Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 430. Setting Boundaries & Reclaiming Peace with Narcissistic Relationships (Headnoise)

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430. Setting Boundaries & Reclaiming Peace with Narcissistic Relationships (Headnoise) · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:13
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful Beans, and welcome to the episode of Today.
0:16
Speaker 1: So this is a head noise episode. This is where
0:19
Speaker 1: you guys send in your voice messages. It's a voice
0:22
Speaker 1: head nose episode. So you guys send in your voice
0:24
Speaker 1: messages and I respond. I love these ones. These are
0:29
Speaker 1: like a fun, little twist to the normal emails because firstly,
0:32
Speaker 1: it's really cool hearing the beans voices. It's almost like
0:35
Speaker 1: we're having a conversation and it just changes it up
0:38
Speaker 1: a bit. It's I don't know, I just find it
0:40
Speaker 1: really cool. I love doing this. So without any further stalling,
0:46
Speaker 1: we're going to get straight into it now. The first
0:50
Speaker 1: one is not necessarily a question, but it's one that
0:52
Speaker 1: I really really really want to share because when I
0:56
Speaker 1: heard this, I'm like, this Bean is just she is
0:59
Speaker 1: so iconic what she says, and I love that she
1:01
Speaker 1: shared her stories. So this has got to do with
1:04
Speaker 1: the rat Park experiment episode that came out not that
1:09
Speaker 1: long ago. So just have a listen, and it's just iconic.
1:15
Speaker 2: Hey, Alexis, my name is Molly. I'm from the United States.
1:19
Speaker 2: I just wanted to reach out after listening to your
1:21
Speaker 2: rat Park episode because not that you need it, but
1:25
Speaker 2: I just wanted to completely validate everything that you said
1:29
Speaker 2: in that episode. So long story short, two years ago,
1:33
Speaker 2: I was high on crack and all of us listening
1:37
Speaker 2: to podcasts, and all of a sudden, your podcast came
1:40
Speaker 2: on and you kept on saying I can't remember what
1:44
Speaker 2: it was about, but you were answering questions, and you
1:46
Speaker 2: kept on saying are you high on crack? Like why
1:49
Speaker 2: are you doing this? And I just kept on being like, shit,
1:52
Speaker 2: I am, I am, I on crak? What am I
1:55
Speaker 2: doing with my life? I'm making these stupid decisions too.
1:59
Speaker 2: And it took a like a couple of months and
2:02
Speaker 2: I was listening to your pot over and over again,
2:04
Speaker 2: and all of a sudden, I decided to slowly but
2:07
Speaker 2: surely start filling my days with meaningful things, and I
2:11
Speaker 2: quit crack overnight. I've been cleaned two years now. And
2:15
Speaker 2: it was because I started fancy this doing jigsaws and
2:19
Speaker 2: sewing things. I have my two favorite hobbies now. But
2:22
Speaker 2: it's because you reminded me that I love those things,
2:25
Speaker 2: and I stuck them into my routine and I stuck
2:28
Speaker 2: to them. And now, instead of turning to substances, I
2:32
Speaker 2: turned to things that actually fill my life with joy.
2:35
Speaker 2: So this rat Park model is spot on. Thank you
2:39
Speaker 2: for all of the information you share. I love you, Alexis.
2:42
Speaker 1: Oh my god, that is the best, best, best, Like
2:46
Speaker 1: I'm halfway between laughing because your delivery is so fucking
2:49
Speaker 1: great and crying because it just makes me feel like, ah, honestly,
2:54
Speaker 1: it makes me feel it's the best feeling knowing that
3:00
Speaker 1: this kind of stuff really resonates with you and that
3:02
Speaker 1: you were able to pull yourself out of it and
3:03
Speaker 1: the hard work that you put into it, and that
3:05
Speaker 1: you found your rap park. And I love it so
3:08
Speaker 1: much when people, yes, of course send questions, but when
3:12
Speaker 1: people also say, this is a real life example of
3:14
Speaker 1: how this worked for me, and I want to share
3:16
Speaker 1: it with the community, This is really fucking cool. I
3:19
Speaker 1: love the journey that you went on. I love that
3:21
Speaker 1: you're doing jigsaws and sewing. It's so fucking good for
3:25
Speaker 1: the mind and the brain. And yeah, thank you. Honestly
3:30
Speaker 1: obsessed with everything about you, So thank you so much
3:32
Speaker 1: for sending that through. That's just unbelievable. Thank you. And
3:38
Speaker 1: if you haven't listened to the rat Park episode, you
3:40
Speaker 1: need to go check out the rat Park episode. I
3:43
Speaker 1: feel like it's now going to be known as the
3:45
Speaker 1: rat Park episode. I think it's called something around like
3:50
Speaker 1: social media addiction and fixation on your phone, something along
3:53
Speaker 1: those lines. I'm actually going to check out exactly what
3:56
Speaker 1: episode number that is, because I just feel like now
4:00
Speaker 1: we're going to have people being like, what fucking episode
4:02
Speaker 1: is that? Yeah, it's episode four hundred and twenty seven,
4:05
Speaker 1: breaking out if your fine addiction and learning what rat
4:08
Speaker 1: Park can teach you about addiction. So check it out. Okay,
4:13
Speaker 1: let's get into the next question.
4:17
Speaker 3: Hi, alexis I'm setting this in today. I'm officially unemployed.
4:22
Speaker 3: I say that happily because thanks to you and the podcast,
4:24
Speaker 3: I'm taking a leap of faith and I'm moving multiple
4:27
Speaker 3: states away to a city that I only lived in
4:30
Speaker 3: for a short time when I was young. I don't
4:33
Speaker 3: really know anybody. I'm bringing my sister with me, but
4:36
Speaker 3: I'm really excited for this next chapter of my life.
4:38
Speaker 3: I made this decision less than a year ago. I
4:42
Speaker 3: went through a really bad breakup. My mental health was
4:44
Speaker 3: not in in a great spot, but I'm feeling much better.
4:48
Speaker 3: I'm super excited for this next chapter in my life.
4:51
Speaker 3: But I've run into a bit of a dilemma. My
4:55
Speaker 3: ex boyfriend from years ago, not the same guy from
4:58
Speaker 3: last year. We kind of found each other again and
5:02
Speaker 3: have been seeing each other for the last couple of weeks, and.
5:05
Speaker 1: Now I leave in a week.
5:07
Speaker 3: And I would never change my plans based on a
5:10
Speaker 3: relationship or even the potential of a relationship. But I'm
5:13
Speaker 3: just struggling to feel the excitement that I did before
5:16
Speaker 3: for this new life and this new adventure when I
5:20
Speaker 3: feel like now I could potentially be missing out on
5:22
Speaker 3: something here. I just feel I don't know, I just
5:27
Speaker 3: feel confused, and I'm still excited, but now a little
5:31
Speaker 3: bit sad, and I'm just looking for some advice on
5:33
Speaker 3: how to stay focused on me and my future and
5:37
Speaker 3: how to navigate this. Thank you so much for everything
5:39
Speaker 3: you do.
5:40
Speaker 1: Awesome question, and I honestly think so many people can
5:44
Speaker 1: resonate with this based on the fact that we've heard
5:48
Speaker 1: or I've read similar not exactly the same, but similar
5:51
Speaker 1: kind of conundrums. Like finally, when you're ready to make
5:53
Speaker 1: this big move, this big change in your life, then
5:56
Speaker 1: either a new flame or an old flame reappears and
5:58
Speaker 1: you start to question, like fuck, you know, Like now
6:02
Speaker 1: I'm like feeling back like this tie back to my
6:05
Speaker 1: home because of this relationship, or because of this situation,
6:08
Speaker 1: or because of whatever it is. Okay, So what's actually
6:11
Speaker 1: happening here is that you are now before you were
6:15
Speaker 1: one hundred percent there in where you were going to
6:17
Speaker 1: move to. Your head was there, your energy was there,
6:20
Speaker 1: your excitement was there. And when you have your whole
6:24
Speaker 1: self fully committed to an idea or a concept, that
6:27
Speaker 1: is the best state to be in, the best state
6:30
Speaker 1: to be in. So when I spoke about so, I
6:33
Speaker 1: mentioned an episode not that long ago, kind of like
6:35
Speaker 1: how to fuck something, how to ruin something that you
6:39
Speaker 1: had by chasing something else. I think that was around
6:42
Speaker 1: the title and really the main what my main focus
6:47
Speaker 1: of that episode was was to get people to see
6:51
Speaker 1: that ultimately it comes down to how much you commit
6:53
Speaker 1: yourself to something. I believe that in almost any situation
6:58
Speaker 1: in our life, if we make a decision, we can
7:02
Speaker 1: make it the right decision based on how we behave
7:06
Speaker 1: and how we invest ourselves in that thing. You know,
7:09
Speaker 1: obviously within reason, but if you're in a situation where
7:12
Speaker 1: you're like one foot in the door, one foot out
7:14
Speaker 1: of the door, and there're two really good ideas for
7:16
Speaker 1: different reasons. Then I think that anything you truly truly
7:18
Speaker 1: commit to will be the right idea if you put
7:21
Speaker 1: yourself in it wholeheartedly. So for you, what was happening was,
7:25
Speaker 1: prior to you rekindling things with this old flame, everything
7:30
Speaker 1: was exactly where you wanted it to be. You're one
7:32
Speaker 1: hundred percent there, and therefore it allowed your excitement levels
7:37
Speaker 1: to be super super high. It's kind of like, you know,
7:39
Speaker 1: when you're really busy in life, you have so much
7:43
Speaker 1: shit on, everything's pulling your focus, and you've got this
7:46
Speaker 1: epic trip booked, but you almost can't even get excited
7:50
Speaker 1: about that trip until like three days prior because you're
7:53
Speaker 1: a tent You've spread so fucking thin, you know. It's
7:56
Speaker 1: kind of like that thing. It's like I want to
7:58
Speaker 1: be excited for something, but so many things are pulling
8:01
Speaker 1: my attention that even though the desire for excitement is there,
8:04
Speaker 1: I can't because I can't put my all into focusing
8:06
Speaker 1: on this thing. It's kind of a little bit like that,
8:08
Speaker 1: but more of an extreme. So what I want you
8:11
Speaker 1: to do in this situation is ask yourself, how can
8:14
Speaker 1: I get back to that point where one hundred percent
8:17
Speaker 1: of me and what I want is again towards this
8:22
Speaker 1: new adventure that I'm going on. Because if you keep
8:26
Speaker 1: going back and forth thinking, you know, I wouldn't stay
8:29
Speaker 1: for the potential of a relationship, I wouldn't stay for
8:31
Speaker 1: a relationship. I wouldn't. So you know you're going to
8:33
Speaker 1: go regardless, right, So we know that it's not about
8:36
Speaker 1: what do I do? You know what you're doing. You
8:38
Speaker 1: just don't want to lack the excitement. So you've got
8:40
Speaker 1: to reiterate to yourself, what was it about my excitement
8:44
Speaker 1: prior that now I'm struggling to re ignite. Okay, And
8:52
Speaker 1: I think that as much as you say you wouldn't
8:54
Speaker 1: stay for a relationship, I think that this relationship has
8:58
Speaker 1: awakened something knew that you realize you missed. Whether it's
9:03
Speaker 1: this person exactly that you missed, or whether it's the
9:06
Speaker 1: comfort of the relationship that you missed, the comfort of
9:10
Speaker 1: having someone there, someone to bounce off. There's many things
9:15
Speaker 1: that you could have missed. So that's kind of like
9:16
Speaker 1: pulled you away. But you need to always remind yourself
9:19
Speaker 1: that will always exist for me, maybe not with that person,
9:23
Speaker 1: but I can always have something like this. You know,
9:26
Speaker 1: whether it's with this person but later down the track,
9:29
Speaker 1: whether it's with someone else in this new place that
9:33
Speaker 1: I go to, whether it's not even in a romantic relationship,
9:37
Speaker 1: but it's a kind of security that I feel that
9:39
Speaker 1: I create for myself in my new lifestyle. There's many
9:41
Speaker 1: things that can provide that feeling for you. Okay, So
9:44
Speaker 1: you have to then bring it back to why was
9:46
Speaker 1: I so excited about and ultimately it's going to be well,
9:50
Speaker 1: I'm you know, I was ready for a change. I
9:52
Speaker 1: was sick of where I was living. I need to
9:54
Speaker 1: stop romanticizing the old life because the reason I made
9:58
Speaker 1: this decision is because I was. I was ready for
10:00
Speaker 1: a change. I was done, and all these things that
10:03
Speaker 1: I'm now going to bring into my life have to
10:05
Speaker 1: be at the forefront of my mind for me to
10:08
Speaker 1: feel happy about it. Okay, it has to be. I
10:10
Speaker 1: have to keep reminding myself of like bring it back
10:13
Speaker 1: to the like. I don't know if you did a
10:14
Speaker 1: mood board before you decided to make this decision to move,
10:17
Speaker 1: but create a mood board of what your life is
10:19
Speaker 1: going to look like once you move. What does my
10:22
Speaker 1: you know, daily routines look like. Where will I go
10:24
Speaker 1: for walks. Where will I get my morning coffee? What
10:26
Speaker 1: will my sister and I do for fun? Where will
10:28
Speaker 1: we find friends? You've got to start to really embed
10:31
Speaker 1: yourself in your future life. Create that mood board, create
10:35
Speaker 1: that vision board, saturate, really bathe in this feeling, and
10:39
Speaker 1: I can guarantee you the excitement will start to come back,
10:42
Speaker 1: because what's happened is that this temporary thing has now shifted.
10:47
Speaker 1: Instead of you one hundred percent being so thrilled to go,
10:49
Speaker 1: it's kind of brought a lot of your attention. Now
10:52
Speaker 1: you're focusing on the relationship. And if you're not going
10:55
Speaker 1: to expand on this relationship with this person while you're gone,
10:58
Speaker 1: I would taper off as well. I would taper off.
11:01
Speaker 1: You need to give yourself the best chance possible to
11:03
Speaker 1: experience the best thing you can experience in this move.
11:06
Speaker 1: And if you know that there's not going to be
11:09
Speaker 1: a future with this person, at least in the short term,
11:11
Speaker 1: then I wouldn't be investing too much time there because
11:14
Speaker 1: you're just adding more confusion. If you're thinking, well, maybe
11:18
Speaker 1: we can make it long distance, maybe we can do
11:21
Speaker 1: all of these things. I think it's a conversation that
11:23
Speaker 1: needs to be had with this person and say, I
11:26
Speaker 1: need to do this for myself. So if anything was
11:28
Speaker 1: ever going to work out, it's not going to be
11:30
Speaker 1: right now. I think we need to put a pause
11:31
Speaker 1: on it. And you know, I need to explore this. Okay.
11:35
Speaker 1: So I've got one of my really, really really good friends.
11:38
Speaker 1: She it's interesting, like there's some parallels that are drawn here.
11:43
Speaker 1: A really good friend of mine. She was dating this guy,
11:46
Speaker 1: then things fizzled out. They just cut like dad for
11:48
Speaker 1: a little bit. Then things fizzled out. Then she had
11:50
Speaker 1: another relationship that ended quite catastrophically. Then once she got
11:54
Speaker 1: over that relationship, she rekindled things with the other guy.
11:57
Speaker 1: But the guy was about to do a year abroad,
12:02
Speaker 1: and both of them decided, you have to do this
12:05
Speaker 1: year abroad for many reasons. It's what you want. Firstly,
12:08
Speaker 1: it's an experience you want to have. But also if
12:11
Speaker 1: you don't go, it's going to be really hard for
12:15
Speaker 1: you because you'll always be wondering, oh my god, what
12:17
Speaker 1: if I never had that year abroad whatever. So staying
12:19
Speaker 1: was never an option. Never, So it was kind of like,
12:22
Speaker 1: you have to go, and not only do you have
12:24
Speaker 1: to go, but you have to go for yourself. You've
12:26
Speaker 1: got to do this for you, So we can't be
12:28
Speaker 1: doing a long term relationship or anything like that, because
12:30
Speaker 1: you also want to go wholeheartedly. So he did. They
12:34
Speaker 1: stayed in touch, but not to the extent where it
12:37
Speaker 1: was like we are doing a long distance relationship. We
12:39
Speaker 1: are together. No no, no, no no. They stayed in touch, but
12:41
Speaker 1: very kind of. It was amicable, It was very friendly,
12:43
Speaker 1: but it was distant enough that he wasn't overseas pining
12:47
Speaker 1: for her or whatever. He was having a really good time.
12:50
Speaker 1: He then came back. They then rekindled things after the
12:53
Speaker 1: year that he was gone, and now they're like engaged
12:57
Speaker 1: with the child. So what I'm saying he is sometimes
13:03
Speaker 1: you need to create your own timing. Actually, you always
13:05
Speaker 1: need to create your own timing, And this is one
13:07
Speaker 1: of those things where you have to create your own timing. Right,
13:10
Speaker 1: I'm moving. I'm not gonna fuck around with being one
13:12
Speaker 1: foot in the door one foot out of the door.
13:13
Speaker 1: I need to fully commit. The best way to get
13:16
Speaker 1: excited about something is if I'm wholeheartedly in there. So
13:19
Speaker 1: what can I do to rekindle that excitement that I
13:22
Speaker 1: had a few weeks ago or a few months ago.
13:24
Speaker 1: Do the vision board, do the mood board, Have like
13:26
Speaker 1: brainstorming sessions with your sister because you're gonna go with her.
13:29
Speaker 1: Get excited, okay, have images of where you're moving to
13:33
Speaker 1: as the backdrop on your phone. Really relish in that,
13:36
Speaker 1: and I can guarantee you that feeling of excitement's going
13:39
Speaker 1: to come back and have the conversation with this person
13:43
Speaker 1: that you're dating as well. Have the conversation so they
13:45
Speaker 1: understand where your head is at. But very excited for you.
13:48
Speaker 1: I love this. I love this.
13:56
Speaker 4: All right, next one, just when I say I absolutely
14:02
Speaker 4: love your potty, I feel like your voice has become
14:05
Speaker 4: like the soundtrack to my life.
14:08
Speaker 5: So yeah, thank you for everything you do. I'm thirty one.
14:12
Speaker 6: I recently split with my ex fiance. It was a
14:17
Speaker 6: very hard decision, but yeah, I had a wedding plan,
14:21
Speaker 6: one hundred people invited, the dress on the way everything,
14:24
Speaker 6: and decided to pull the plug. And I think, now
14:27
Speaker 6: I'm on the other side of all the grief. It
14:29
Speaker 6: honestly feels so rewarding. And yeah, I wish him well,
14:33
Speaker 6: I really really do. But we just we grew apart
14:36
Speaker 6: and we became different people, and yeah, So now I'm
14:39
Speaker 6: here today.
14:41
Speaker 5: I love my life now, I love where I live.
14:44
Speaker 6: I live alone, I feel really empowered and strong, and
14:49
Speaker 6: I'm studying psychology actually plan to be a future psychologist.
14:53
Speaker 5: While I'm working.
14:54
Speaker 6: So yeah, I'm very busy and entertained, and I feel
14:57
Speaker 6: very secure in who I am.
15:00
Speaker 5: But something I struggle with is people just giving me a.
15:02
Speaker 6: Lot of their opinions because I'm thirty one, I was
15:06
Speaker 6: on my way to marriage and kids and all that,
15:08
Speaker 6: and it's still everything that I want. Everyone loves, you know,
15:12
Speaker 6: telling me about freezing my eggs or dating apps or
15:14
Speaker 6: all these things, and I just feel very overwhelmed by
15:17
Speaker 6: all of that. But then when I'm in my own company,
15:19
Speaker 6: I feel really secure. So I'm wondering if you have
15:21
Speaker 6: any advice navigating that and yeah, finding that balance between
15:27
Speaker 6: planning but not you know.
15:30
Speaker 1: Yeah, Okay, So this is what's so fucking annoying is
15:34
Speaker 1: that you can't ever fully avoid the wrath of unsolicited
15:40
Speaker 1: comments that you're going to get from people. And so
15:42
Speaker 1: many of them are well meaning people. Most of them
15:45
Speaker 1: are well meaning, and I don't think they realize how
15:47
Speaker 1: fucking annoying they can be. And a lot of people
15:50
Speaker 1: speak to you based on their own life experience and
15:53
Speaker 1: based on what they think is normal, what they think
15:55
Speaker 1: is acceptable. So before I go into how fucking annoying
15:59
Speaker 1: it's going to be things that you can do, we
16:01
Speaker 1: also have to keep in mind that, for the most part,
16:03
Speaker 1: a lot of these people are the ones that really
16:05
Speaker 1: adore you, really love you, and they think they're helping
16:08
Speaker 1: or they think they're doing the right thing, which doesn't
16:09
Speaker 1: make it any better, but obviously that's you know, why
16:13
Speaker 1: it's happening. The fact that you feel really good when
16:16
Speaker 1: you're alone or in your own company is key. That's
16:19
Speaker 1: the most important thing, and that's what you ultimately have
16:21
Speaker 1: to keep reminding yourself off. You're well aware of all
16:25
Speaker 1: the resources that are out there. You're well aware if
16:28
Speaker 1: you want to freeze your egs or if you don't
16:29
Speaker 1: want to freeze your eggs. This is not what this
16:30
Speaker 1: discussion is about. Like, you know the options that you
16:33
Speaker 1: have available to you. You are a grown adult. You
16:37
Speaker 1: can make your decisions. And also people don't even know.
16:39
Speaker 1: This is what frustrates me about. You know, maybe you
16:42
Speaker 1: should freeze your eggs or mate, it's like you can't.
16:44
Speaker 1: You don't know where my head is at around you know,
16:46
Speaker 1: having children or not having children, and you don't like
16:48
Speaker 1: you don't as shit. Okay, so I guess Look, there's
16:53
Speaker 1: several things that you can do. And it depends on
16:55
Speaker 1: where these comments are coming from. Because if they're coming
16:58
Speaker 1: from people that are very close to you, friends, family, whatever,
17:02
Speaker 1: in a circle, and it's happening regularly, then I would
17:07
Speaker 1: raise the topic. Okay, I think it's important. Like say,
17:11
Speaker 1: let's say I was in a situation where you know,
17:14
Speaker 1: my parents were constantly asking me, are you gonna pree
17:16
Speaker 1: use your eggs? Are you going to this? Are you're
17:17
Speaker 1: gonna that? That's something that I would have to raise.
17:20
Speaker 1: I wouldn't try and think, Okay, how can I like
17:22
Speaker 1: co you know, a good comeback or whatever. I think
17:25
Speaker 1: that actually calls for a conversation. And the next time
17:28
Speaker 1: someone close to you raises it repeatedly again, that's when
17:33
Speaker 1: I would say, listen, can I just can I just
17:37
Speaker 1: pause for one second and just let you know. I
17:39
Speaker 1: know this is well meaning, but you've raised this topic
17:42
Speaker 1: several times and I don't want to discuss this topic.
17:45
Speaker 1: This topic is not up for discussion. I'm very well
17:48
Speaker 1: aware of what my options are with my body. I'm
17:51
Speaker 1: also very well aware of, you know, my wants and
17:55
Speaker 1: my desires for where I am right now. No one
17:58
Speaker 1: is in my head. I'm not in yours. I'm not.
18:00
Speaker 1: And hopefully you can actually say this and mean it.
18:03
Speaker 1: I'm not telling you what you should be doing, so
18:05
Speaker 1: I would appreciate the same in return. I'm actually good.
18:09
Speaker 1: I'm really good. The only thing that's frustrating is you
18:12
Speaker 1: know these well meaning quote unquote comments, I would absolutely
18:15
Speaker 1: say that, and if they say, oh, I was just
18:18
Speaker 1: trying to help, I was just trying to do this,
18:19
Speaker 1: So I was just trying to that you say, I know.
18:22
Speaker 1: I know you were, and that's why I'm gently talking
18:25
Speaker 1: to you about it. That's why I'm having this conversation
18:27
Speaker 1: because we do have a good relationship, and because I
18:29
Speaker 1: should feel comfortable telling you this. You feel comfortable telling
18:32
Speaker 1: me to freeze my eggs, so I should feel equally
18:34
Speaker 1: as comfortable telling you I don't want to hear about it, okay,
18:37
Speaker 1: because people will. You know, you have to hit the
18:41
Speaker 1: fucking between the eyes and say this topic is actually
18:44
Speaker 1: not up for discussion, and then people will always get
18:47
Speaker 1: defense in and saying, oh, well, you know you know
18:49
Speaker 1: I didn't mean it like that. I meant this, and
18:51
Speaker 1: you know I was just trying to help her. I
18:52
Speaker 1: was just trying to this, and I was just trying
18:54
Speaker 1: to that. And this is when you have to respond
18:56
Speaker 1: saying I know that, I know that. That's how you
18:59
Speaker 1: f and you obviously said this to me because you
19:03
Speaker 1: feel comfortable enough in our relationship to say that to me,
19:08
Speaker 1: and I value the comfort that we feel towards each other.
19:12
Speaker 1: But therefore it should be reciprocal. If you can feel
19:15
Speaker 1: comfortable telling me that, which as you should. You know,
19:17
Speaker 1: that's fine. I should feel comfortable telling you that I
19:20
Speaker 1: don't want to talk about it, and then we move on.
19:22
Speaker 1: And if I ever raise anything to you where you're
19:25
Speaker 1: not comfortable, let me know. I'd love to know, because
19:30
Speaker 1: I might be blissfully talking about shit that you don't
19:32
Speaker 1: want to talk about.
19:33
Speaker 6: You.
19:33
Speaker 1: I would really value your honesty because it would mean
19:37
Speaker 1: that we've got a close enough relationship that you can
19:39
Speaker 1: say these things. Okay, now, it's so, that's what I
19:41
Speaker 1: would do. I would absolutely raise it as an independent
19:44
Speaker 1: thing on its own. I don't think you always have
19:46
Speaker 1: to come up with a witty comeback. I shut someone down.
19:48
Speaker 1: I think it's good to be like, not on the cards,
19:51
Speaker 1: I'm not interested in talking about it. If it's someone
19:55
Speaker 1: who's not that close to you, then this is something
19:58
Speaker 1: that I probably would be more likely to say I
20:02
Speaker 1: don't want to talk like I'm not interested in that topic,
20:05
Speaker 1: or you could say I'm well aware of what my
20:08
Speaker 1: options are. You know, you don't have to go into
20:11
Speaker 1: the explanation of like, oh, I know, yep, and I
20:13
Speaker 1: was thinking about it and then whatever. You know, It's
20:15
Speaker 1: just I think the more you give when people ask questions,
20:19
Speaker 1: the more they think that it's something that you are
20:21
Speaker 1: open to discussing or that it's pressing on your mind,
20:23
Speaker 1: and then they're going to raise it again. If someone says,
20:25
Speaker 1: oh my god, have you thought about freezing your eggs?
20:28
Speaker 1: And if you haven't actually, or if you thought about
20:29
Speaker 1: it and dismissed or whatever whatever wherever your heads at,
20:31
Speaker 1: and you're like, yeah, well you know, yes, and you
20:34
Speaker 1: start opening up about it, they're going to be like,
20:36
Speaker 1: this is a topic of discussion that is now a
20:38
Speaker 1: fucking free for all. So no matter how much you
20:42
Speaker 1: want to save face or not hurt someone's feelings, if
20:45
Speaker 1: you don't want to discuss it, don't discuss it. It's
20:48
Speaker 1: not impolite to not want to discuss it. And I
20:52
Speaker 1: know a lot of people are going to say yeah,
20:53
Speaker 1: But if I say I don't want to talk about it,
20:55
Speaker 1: it sounds like it's a pain point. Well, then you
20:57
Speaker 1: don't have to say I don't want to talk about it.
20:58
Speaker 1: You can you can say something. You can say I
21:01
Speaker 1: know what my options are next conversation, you know, or
21:07
Speaker 1: I've thought about all my options, I've thought long and
21:09
Speaker 1: hard about this, appreciated whatever it is. Or you could
21:13
Speaker 1: just stare at them and nod whatever. But what I
21:17
Speaker 1: the main thing that I encourage you to do is
21:19
Speaker 1: not to try and be nice to them and save
21:24
Speaker 1: hurting their feelings by agreeing and nodding and contributing to
21:27
Speaker 1: the conversation. Because when you do that, socially, people take
21:31
Speaker 1: that as this is now an appropriate topic that I
21:34
Speaker 1: can bring up at any point. Okay, So you have
21:37
Speaker 1: to make it very clear that it's not a conversation
21:40
Speaker 1: that you want to talk about. Whether you shut it down,
21:42
Speaker 1: whether you give nothing, whether you blatantly say I don't
21:45
Speaker 1: want to talk about it, whatever it is, you have
21:47
Speaker 1: to set the standard otherwise people are going to think
21:50
Speaker 1: it's fine. All right. Hopefully that helped, but yeah, you
21:55
Speaker 1: know what, You're in a really good place in your life.
21:56
Speaker 1: You don't need to fuck around with this kind of shit,
21:58
Speaker 1: Like you know what your options If you want to
22:00
Speaker 1: fucking freeze your eggs, you can make a phone call
22:03
Speaker 1: to a clinic and have a consultation. You don't need
22:05
Speaker 1: a thousand people telling you that that's an option on
22:07
Speaker 1: the table. If I can hate it where people that
22:09
Speaker 1: like cheers captain obvious like yes, I'm well aware that
22:14
Speaker 1: I can freeze my eggs. Or you could be super
22:16
Speaker 1: sarcastic and be like what what what do you mean
22:20
Speaker 1: you can freeze your eggs? Oh, I had no idea
22:22
Speaker 1: that was a possibility. I didn't even know that I could.
22:24
Speaker 1: It's like, can't. Of course, I'm aware that I can
22:26
Speaker 1: fucking freeze my eggs. Fuck off, Okay, that's me blowing up.
22:30
Speaker 1: Don't do that. Don't say that, Okay, last one.
22:38
Speaker 7: Hi Alexa, I love you.
22:40
Speaker 1: I love your podcast.
22:42
Speaker 7: You help me through life and complications in my eyes,
22:47
Speaker 7: maybe well you help me be me and for better.
22:51
Speaker 5: At myself, and I love that.
22:53
Speaker 7: I was just wondering, could you do anything about narcissistic mothers,
23:00
Speaker 7: because I can't remember whether you had anything on that,
23:05
Speaker 7: and it's frustrating to try and deal with that and
23:08
Speaker 7: work with it, especially childhood trauma with a narcissistic mother,
23:15
Speaker 7: and how to deal with it when they're still narcissistic
23:18
Speaker 7: at the right age of twenty five, and how to
23:23
Speaker 7: deal with it, because sometimes it's really hard and emotionally
23:28
Speaker 7: when you're trying to have a conversation or a relationship
23:32
Speaker 7: with that narcissistic mother, it's really hard.
23:38
Speaker 5: Yeah.
23:39
Speaker 7: I don't know what else to say other than that,
23:44
Speaker 7: thank you.
23:47
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, you're right that it's very hard. It is extremely, extremely,
23:51
Speaker 1: extremely difficult to have a relationship with a narcissist and
23:55
Speaker 1: I would imagine even harder with a narcissistic parent, because
24:00
Speaker 1: because by default, we have expectations of our parents, you know,
24:05
Speaker 1: they are the people that raised us, that brought us
24:07
Speaker 1: into our life, there is a standard you would think
24:11
Speaker 1: that that parent should adhere to as a parent, and
24:14
Speaker 1: especially when you see other people with healthy relationships with
24:17
Speaker 1: their parent, it can be beyond infuriating and frustrating to
24:22
Speaker 1: then draw those comparisons to what your relationship is like.
24:25
Speaker 1: With your parents. So there is no denying that it
24:28
Speaker 1: would be a very very difficult situation for a child
24:31
Speaker 1: to navigate, an adult child, even to navigate with a
24:33
Speaker 1: narcissistic parent. So there's I fully validate what you're saying.
24:38
Speaker 1: What you need to understand, which you probably already do,
24:41
Speaker 1: but I'm going to reiterate it is that you cannot
24:46
Speaker 1: change a narcissist. You cannot change a narcissist. You probably
24:50
Speaker 1: have you're probably aware of that based on your experiences
24:53
Speaker 1: with your mother. You can't change them. You can't get
24:56
Speaker 1: them to see things the way you would like them
24:59
Speaker 1: to see things. Just you can't put your self in
25:02
Speaker 1: their shoes. It's really difficult to put to get yourself
25:06
Speaker 1: in the headspace of a narcissist when you're not a narcissist,
25:09
Speaker 1: because you're like, but how can't you see your heart level?
25:11
Speaker 1: It's very infuriating. Okay, So, just like you can't put
25:14
Speaker 1: yourself in their shoes, they're never going to put themselves
25:16
Speaker 1: in your shoes. They don't empathize, they don't they can't
25:19
Speaker 1: do that. So the hardest thing to grasp, but the
25:25
Speaker 1: most important thing to understand with dealing with any narcissist
25:30
Speaker 1: is how can I manage my expectations around this person?
25:34
Speaker 1: You need to lower your expectations, unfortunately, to the fucking ground. Okay,
25:42
Speaker 1: because only when your expectations are lowered are you, at
25:47
Speaker 1: the very least not let down. You want to set
25:51
Speaker 1: it up that they can't let you down. It is
25:55
Speaker 1: a privilege for someone to be able to have the
25:59
Speaker 1: risk of letting you down because it means that you
26:01
Speaker 1: hold them to a certain standard. Okay, it means that
26:04
Speaker 1: you have a track record with the person, trust you've got,
26:08
Speaker 1: like a good relationship, and then you allow them to
26:11
Speaker 1: let you down because I have high expectations of you,
26:13
Speaker 1: Like if I've got anyone in my life who is trustworthy,
26:16
Speaker 1: who is there for me, who has my back, who
26:19
Speaker 1: treats me with respect, to listens to me, who can
26:22
Speaker 1: you know, not spill my secret? To all of that,
26:25
Speaker 1: and then they go and do something that hurts me,
26:27
Speaker 1: they've let me down, Right, but I have an expectation
26:30
Speaker 1: of their behavior because they've said a standard of being
26:33
Speaker 1: a great friend. Okay. However, when I look at a stranger,
26:39
Speaker 1: a stranger can't let me down because I have no
26:41
Speaker 1: expectations of them, right, I'm not holding them to a
26:44
Speaker 1: certain standard. I could be surprised at a stranger's behavior
26:48
Speaker 1: around me, but I'm not let down, right because I
26:52
Speaker 1: have not given them the ability to let me down.
26:57
Speaker 1: I have not held them to a standard yet. So
27:00
Speaker 1: when you think of a narcissist, you want to think,
27:02
Speaker 1: how can I hold them to the same standard that
27:04
Speaker 1: I would a stranger, right, because I need to get
27:08
Speaker 1: them to a position where they can't let me down.
27:12
Speaker 1: And I know it's hard because it's your parent and
27:14
Speaker 1: you want to expect things. You should be able to
27:17
Speaker 1: expect things from the parent. You should, but unfortunately you can't.
27:21
Speaker 1: That's just the reality of the situation. And if you
27:23
Speaker 1: keep expecting things from someone who's repeatedly demonstrated that they
27:26
Speaker 1: are not capable of providing that thing for you, then
27:30
Speaker 1: you're the one that's going to keep getting hurt and unfortunately,
27:33
Speaker 1: as unfair as it is, because life just isn't fair
27:36
Speaker 1: all the time, as unfair as it is, it is
27:39
Speaker 1: your responsibility to protect yourself. It's not your mother's and
27:43
Speaker 1: it sucks. But if you don't protect yourself, you're going
27:46
Speaker 1: to be let down, let down, frustrated, hurt, frustrated, hurt,
27:49
Speaker 1: and it's going to be cycle of anger, wanting, anger, wanting.
27:54
Speaker 1: You've got to get to a place in your life
27:56
Speaker 1: you're like, I don't want to ever have to expect
27:59
Speaker 1: anything for you that you have demonstrated you cannot give me.
28:03
Speaker 1: If your mother has shown you time and time and
28:06
Speaker 1: time again that she's going to behave this certain way,
28:08
Speaker 1: she's going to react a certain way, she's going to
28:10
Speaker 1: be selfish in these ways. She's going to treat you
28:12
Speaker 1: like this in these different circumstances, you have to expect it. Okay,
28:18
Speaker 1: Lowering your standards and lowering your expectations when it comes
28:23
Speaker 1: to certain individuals is one of the healthiest things you
28:26
Speaker 1: can do to protect your own mental health and to
28:27
Speaker 1: protect your own space. You have to remind yourself every
28:30
Speaker 1: single day you can not change or influence a narcissist.
28:33
Speaker 1: You can't so now knowing that, knowing that you can't
28:38
Speaker 1: change them, knowing that all the then you can determine
28:43
Speaker 1: how do I want this relationship to proceed. If I
28:47
Speaker 1: knew for a fact that she would never change, that
28:51
Speaker 1: everything that I've seen in the past is just going
28:52
Speaker 1: to continue, And that was a fact I had a
28:55
Speaker 1: crystal ball. Nothing's ever going to change, It's going to
28:57
Speaker 1: be the same or worse. What parts of my life
29:01
Speaker 1: would I let her into? Where would I draw the line?
29:05
Speaker 1: Where would I set some boundaries? Because it's your job
29:08
Speaker 1: to protect yourself, and a boundary exists to protect you.
29:12
Speaker 1: A boundary is not a way of trying to teach
29:15
Speaker 1: someone how to behave ever, because like I said, you
29:18
Speaker 1: can't control other people, let alone a narcissist. So when
29:21
Speaker 1: we talk about boundaries, it's how am I protecting my bubble?
29:26
Speaker 1: So for example, if I go and visit as she
29:29
Speaker 1: starts talking about something that I don't want to talk
29:31
Speaker 1: about or like she's being hurtful, I remove myself. I
29:34
Speaker 1: don't sit there and say I came to see you
29:36
Speaker 1: and this and that and what. No, if I want
29:40
Speaker 1: her to call me on my birthday when she's not
29:42
Speaker 1: called me on the last five birthdays, who is getting
29:45
Speaker 1: hurt here? By expecting a phone call on my birthday?
29:47
Speaker 1: You are getting hurt. If she makes every situation about herself,
29:53
Speaker 1: even when the event has nothing to do with her,
29:55
Speaker 1: then I'm not going to invite her to an event
29:57
Speaker 1: that's important to me because I know I'm going to
29:59
Speaker 1: be be hurt at the event. I know she's going
30:02
Speaker 1: to make a scene, make it about her, cause a scandal,
30:05
Speaker 1: whatever the fuck it is. Whatever, And I don't know
30:07
Speaker 1: nothing about your mother, but I'm just saying, you know,
30:09
Speaker 1: there's are like you know, hallmark narcissistic behaviors. If you
30:13
Speaker 1: can predict, based on the track record for the behavior,
30:17
Speaker 1: how they're going to behave, how can I set a
30:19
Speaker 1: boundary they're no longer invited to this event, or if
30:21
Speaker 1: they're going to be at this certain event, and I
30:23
Speaker 1: know exactly how they're gonna behave, I'm not gonna go
30:25
Speaker 1: to the event, even if I miss out, even if
30:28
Speaker 1: I wish I could be there, I have to pick
30:30
Speaker 1: my battles. Okay, So you start to then really become
30:34
Speaker 1: a lot stronger. You strengthen yourself, and I can guarantee
30:37
Speaker 1: you you're gonna initially think, well, once I get strengthened,
30:40
Speaker 1: maybe they learn. Maybe they won't. They won't, they won't.
30:43
Speaker 1: This exercise is here to protect you so you can
30:46
Speaker 1: learn how to move forward in life with the fact
30:49
Speaker 1: that you've got a narcissistic mother and unfortunately you cannot
30:52
Speaker 1: change your behavior. So your role here. Your job is
30:56
Speaker 1: to protect yourself so you start to feel better within
30:58
Speaker 1: yourself and more empowered. It's there's things in life that
31:03
Speaker 1: you can't change, and it is always going to be
31:06
Speaker 1: frustrating for you to look at other relationships and think
31:09
Speaker 1: why the fuck couldn't have had that? And that's okay
31:12
Speaker 1: to feel that way, but don't let that influence you
31:15
Speaker 1: in trying to change a narcissist, because you can't do it,
31:18
Speaker 1: and you're just going to be so fucking infuriated and
31:21
Speaker 1: annoyed and it's not worth it for your mental health. Okay.
31:24
Speaker 1: So you've got to say, I've done what I can do,
31:26
Speaker 1: I've seen what I needed to see. I now need
31:28
Speaker 1: to put myself first. I need to put my mental
31:31
Speaker 1: health and my happiness first, because this is a drain,
31:34
Speaker 1: a drain for my emotions, a drain for my mental health,
31:37
Speaker 1: and it's I'm not having it, okay. So hopefully that helped.
31:40
Speaker 1: Definitely go check out my episodes on how to deal
31:42
Speaker 1: with narcissists. I do have ones on like narcissistic in laws.
31:46
Speaker 1: I do think I have one specifically on narcissistic parents
31:49
Speaker 1: as well, but narcissists in general, I think I've got
31:52
Speaker 1: like at least three episodes on it, so definitely re
31:56
Speaker 1: listen to those ones and so you can feel like
31:58
Speaker 1: a little bit more empowered in the situation that you're in. Guys,
32:02
Speaker 1: thank you so much for listening to today's episode. If
32:05
Speaker 1: you do want to send in a head noise question,
32:07
Speaker 1: if it's a voice note that you want to send in,
32:09
Speaker 1: just go to www dot deifmpod dot com and there'll
32:13
Speaker 1: be like a thing in the menu for you to
32:14
Speaker 1: submit a voice message that can be up to one
32:17
Speaker 1: and a half minutes long. And if you want to
32:19
Speaker 1: send an email instead, just email info at dyfmpod dot
32:23
Speaker 1: com and we will get through answering them. And I
32:26
Speaker 1: mentioned this last head Noise episode, but if you don't
32:29
Speaker 1: hear let's say you submit a head noise question this
32:31
Speaker 1: week and you don't hear it play out next week,
32:33
Speaker 1: that doesn't mean I'm never going to answer it. Sometimes,
32:35
Speaker 1: you know, depending on the question, sometimes we grab questions
32:38
Speaker 1: from you know, weeks ago or even months ago, so
32:41
Speaker 1: we do have a big database. Sometimes they answered on
32:43
Speaker 1: the week, sometimes it be a couple of months later.
32:45
Speaker 1: But don't think that we'll never get through to them.
32:47
Speaker 1: It's just like we've got like this process of like
32:50
Speaker 1: sorting the questions that come through. Um yeah, I'm like
32:54
Speaker 1: always aiming to get through as many as possible. Guys,
32:56
Speaker 1: thank you so much for listening. As always, remember be
32:58
Speaker 1: kind to yourself, be kind to your rain, don't text
33:01
Speaker 1: it from anyone, and especially don't text it from yourself.
33:04
Speaker 1: Don't care