Latest / Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute / 84: How Attachment Shapes Relationships, Addiction, and Intimacy

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84: How Attachment Shapes Relationships, Addiction, and Intimacy · Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute

0:00
OK everybody, I've got Alana back here with me and I am
0:02
excited for episode #3 of our twelve session series.
0:06
All right, let me name the experience here real quick
0:09
before we jump into it. Did you ever think back about
0:14
why you picked your romantic partner or maybe a partner in
0:17
the past? You're like, when did I pick
0:18
them? Was it because they felt
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familiar? Was it because of if something
0:23
felt familiar, was it something felt different and that felt
0:27
good that it was different? We're going to talk about not
0:31
really in the weeds, but from a more of a high level, what we do
0:34
in phase two, which is understanding, which is
0:37
understanding attachment, attachment theory and how it
0:40
impacts us and how it already has impacted us.
0:43
So let's jump into it. Welcome to Beyond the Facade
0:49
podcast. I'm your host, Luke Gordon, and
0:51
I'm thrilled to have you join me in this space today.
0:53
What we're going to be doing is diving deep into the trials and
0:56
triumphs and truths of seeking authenticity.
0:59
Becoming your true self isn't about a single action or a
1:02
moment. It's a relentless pursuit, a
1:05
commitment to self that reveals the rich connection and meaning
1:08
that our life has to offer. So whether this is your first
1:10
time tuning in or you're a regular listener, know this what
1:14
you're building here goes beyond a conversation.
1:16
You're here to challenge, to change, and to celebrate the
1:19
incredible journey of becoming your authentic self.
1:22
Because when you dare to show up fully, the rewards are
1:25
immeasurable. So welcome to Beyond the facade.
1:28
Let's get started. All right, Alana attachments.
1:32
I'm thinking about it like I'm thinking about my journey.
1:36
I'm thinking about a couple different books and all the
1:38
walks on the trails, all the runs in the morning and all of a
1:41
sudden my brain, not all of a sudden in moments, just lighting
1:44
up and going like, Oh my gosh, there's some why.
1:47
There's the why that's crazy. Like why that's why I do what I
1:51
do that I couldn't figure it did.
1:54
I felt like some really big moments and learning about
1:59
attachments and why I chose you in a relationship.
2:05
What felt really good about it and actually what was familiar
2:08
that was problematic? We're going to get into that a
2:11
little bit and understand how attachment our nervous system
2:14
learns and what we go back to familiar with.
2:18
OK, so attachment is not primarily about an idea or a
2:21
belief, but it's about our nervous systems conditioning.
2:24
Early relationships taught that our nervous system was a few
2:27
different things. When closeness is safe or when
2:30
it's dangerous, it teaches us whether needs will be met or
2:34
ignored, or how emotions are received or shut down.
2:39
OK, so these lessons were learned implicitly long before
2:45
conscious choice or before language.
2:46
And in fact, I'm drawn back to Alana Blake before we're
2:50
actually even verbal, before we're even verbal as a child, we
2:54
start to feel secure, like I'm safe, like I'm OK.
2:57
Like I can feel, I can emote, I can share or no, I need to shut
3:02
that down. I can't go there because it's
3:04
not going to be accepted. So we started to develop some
3:07
patterns here because of our nervous system is going to need
3:11
to be OK. And that's where we're going to
3:13
seek familiarity and we're going to seek for something that's
3:17
worked for us, not necessarily something that's good for us.
3:20
Any thoughts are on before I keep going?
3:22
I just think about the last episode that we did, we were
3:25
talking about IFS, which was a modality that we use in therapy.
3:30
Attachment systems. Attachment is another modality
3:35
that we'll use that EFT, Emotionally Focused Therapy is
3:39
heavily based in attachment theory.
3:43
And a lot of times you'll see clinicians where we don't, we
3:49
don't go all in on only one modality.
3:52
We'll have multiple and we'll pull different pieces from it.
3:56
And if we try to do all of our work through parts without
4:00
understanding the power and the role and that instinctual Dr. of
4:06
attachment, we would be missing pieces.
4:08
And I think if we only focused on attachment and we didn't
4:13
understand our different parts, and different parts even can
4:16
have different attachment needs, I think we'd be losing pieces of
4:20
it. So this to me is just another
4:23
piece of the puzzle. But when we realize how deep and
4:27
in depth it is and how it's not even connected to rational,
4:32
logical thinking, it's connected, like you said, to the
4:35
nervous system, and it's also connected to that part of your
4:38
brain that's hooked to survival. It's that part that's hooked to
4:43
life or death that when we were infants and if our needs weren't
4:48
going to be met, we would die. So we would find ways to get
4:53
those needs met as part of a survival instinct even that
4:58
plays into our attachment in adulthood today.
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And so I, I love that we're talking about this because it's
5:05
just another layer and another puzzle piece for understanding a
5:09
bigger picture of understanding ourself, understanding our
5:13
relationships, and I think also just understanding what healthy
5:17
looks like. OK, so we come into this world,
5:19
me as a baby boy, and the way that I'm wired is I'm wired to
5:24
know that I won't survive unless I have somebody that's going to
5:27
take care of me. OK?
5:28
So me as a baby boy, and I know I'm oversimplifying this, but it
5:32
is attachment as a whole. OK, Simplified.
5:35
OK, so I'm immediately looking for who's going to take care of
5:38
me. I'm going to lock eyes with them
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and I'll go. That's my person.
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That's my primary caregiver. That was my mom.
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OK? That was my mom.
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And what I do is I go and I am all my body's always sensing
5:49
whether I'm safe, whether I'm OK.
5:52
All right. So we call this when I feel safe
5:55
and I'm OK Really what it becomes about long term through
5:59
development, through child, through childhood, through
6:02
adolescence is not just am I going to get my needs met from a
6:07
shelter, food. Do I have those basic needs?
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It is now I need to, I need to develop in other ways, which is
6:16
a gaining a sense of who I am and myself for like who this
6:20
person is. So it's still what we still do
6:23
is because we need those needs met as we go back to that person
6:27
who's our primary attachment. And we when we feel upset or
6:31
dysregulated, when the world isn't going OK, we look to them
6:35
in something that we can't find in ourselves and we go, OK, am I
6:38
OK? Am I safe?
6:40
And what they're supposed to do is they're supposed to mirror
6:42
back to us. You are OK, you are safe.
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I know you're upset. I get emotional every time I
6:46
think about this because it's just this concept matters so
6:49
much to me because it's the world.
6:50
It's our world. We see in them something that we
6:53
can't find ourselves, which is I'm safe, I'm OK.
6:56
And that's what they get back to us so they don't get
6:59
dysregulated with our dysregulation, OK?
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That's what's supposed to happen.
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And that creates what we call secure attachment, OK, Because
7:07
of what it is, it's consistent, it's responsive, and it's
7:10
emotionally available, OK. This is a spectrum because none
7:15
of us had perfect parents. We would have all got that at
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some level or. Didn't.
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Even if your parents were perfect, they could not attend
7:22
to every single attachment. Cry moment of every single day
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in our. So even the most perfect of
7:28
parents, you would still have unmet attachment needs or
7:33
attachment cries or calls out to know if the person's there for
7:38
you. Even the best of parents you
7:40
would still have that. And that's why we say secure
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attachment is generally consistent, generally
7:45
responsive, generally emotionally available.
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OK, OK, that's secure attachment.
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If you have insecure attachment, that's where it is inconsistent.
7:54
That's where, and I'll use the word intrusive, it's
7:57
unpredictable. Like it's where you have a
8:00
parent. That's like, I don't have time
8:01
for your emotions. I'm too busy focus on my old
8:03
things. And that's the general message,
8:04
which is you're the child, I'm the parent.
8:07
If anybody's getting catered to, it's me.
8:08
OK, So that's where you have a couple different patterns start
8:11
to exist, OK. When there's insecure
8:13
attachment, you have one that's anxious.
8:15
OK, What's that's like where that child goes?
8:19
Uh oh, my needs aren't going to get met.
8:22
But wait, No, they do. Sometimes they start to go, you
8:26
know what if I show up the right way, the perfect way, If I do it
8:31
the right way, they I sometimes can't get my needs met.
8:34
It might because they actually can do that and they show up the
8:37
right way to that parent. That parent can be more attuned
8:39
to them. But there's an anxious pattern.
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That's really what it involves is more of like a, a pursuit, a
8:45
hyper vigilance, but it's really that fear of a being abandoned,
8:49
the fear of not having those needs met, those emotional
8:51
needs, those physical needs. That's one type of ancient.
8:55
That's, that's an anxious pattern that exists.
8:57
Then you have another one which is an avoidant pattern.
9:00
And this is where used, it starts to involve more of like
9:03
emotional distance. There's a lot of self-reliance.
9:06
There's I can't count on somebody else.
9:10
I have to get my needs met myself.
9:12
There's a lot of discomfort that comes from vulnerability.
9:15
Like I, I can't share my emotions.
9:17
I can't be sad, I can't be angry.
9:20
I can't be these stronger emotions because if I am, that
9:24
vulnerability is a meth. It's like things get worse for
9:27
me. OK.
9:28
So those are two different experiences and avoidance.
9:30
And, and one thing I want to highlight here too is even
9:33
personality plays into this like it's, it's not black and white.
9:38
It's still fairly nuanced. So you have the personality of
9:41
the individual that plays in to how the different caregivers
9:45
respond and it plays into what works and what doesn't.
9:49
And so I think what you're saying, like for an anxious
9:53
attachment, they tend to have a really sensitive nervous system.
9:58
They tend to struggle communicating their needs
10:02
directly. They tend to get more vocal or
10:06
act out when they're triggered because that's how they're
10:09
trying to bring the other person back in.
10:13
And some of that is personality. Some of that is the way your
10:16
care caregivers responded. Some of that is just from the
10:20
ways you figured out how to cope.
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And then with the avoidant, like you said, they learned that
10:26
their needs weren't going to be met.
10:28
They learned that the person wasn't there.
10:30
But also they could have a personality that kind of just
10:33
downplays the how big things are that their nervous system is
10:38
trying to, instead of a Rev it up to get people to listen.
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It's their system saying, oh, you need to shut things down.
10:47
You can't be too much. So there's this, this shutting
10:50
down, there's this going inside downplaying the importance of
10:55
relationships. Or they're really self reliant,
10:59
but they say I'm self reliant and I'm really independent.
11:04
But that's just a way that they're kind of avoiding,
11:08
avoiding. That's funny.
11:09
They're being avoided and avoiding and having that more
11:12
dismissive traits. So I'd I like to bring in the
11:17
personality piece too, because that does play even with which
11:22
way we swing and which way we try different survival
11:28
techniques when we're little, even before we know consciously
11:31
what we're doing. There's the attachment styles
11:34
assessment that's really well known.
11:36
You guys can jump on. It's free and take it and it
11:39
actually has you do it with attachment style with your dad,
11:42
with your mom, with your romantic partner, and with the
11:46
rest of the world. Because I want to highlight what
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you just said. Some of them don't work in areas
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where they work in other spots. Like you might have an anxious
11:53
attachment with your dad and avoid an attachment with with
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your romantic partner. So you, you just, it depends.
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All we want to do here is just point out there are different
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patterns to become aware of because they're really, these
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patterns are more adaptive responses.
12:09
They're not character flaws, so we're not avoiding because we're
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just like some character flaw avoiding because it's worked in
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the past but it's kicking our trash now.
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The thing that I found so like mind blowing about attachment is
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if somebody wants to change their attachment style, like if
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you find out that you have a really avoidant attachment style
12:32
and when you Start learning about it and you're like, Oh no,
12:35
I always thought that I was secure and independent, but
12:38
actually I'm pretty Dang avoidant to change that.
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It I was, I remember reading a research article and I wish I
12:46
would have saved it, but it said on average it was like 3 to 4
12:52
years of therapy and you can change your attachment style.
12:56
And I remember at the time being like mind blown because Patrick
13:00
Carnes in his work was like to really heal sexual addiction,
13:06
you need really consistent good work for three to five years.
13:10
And I was like, how interesting that the time frames to change
13:14
your attachment, which then I just say it heal, right, You're
13:18
heal those parts that need healing versus if you do have a
13:22
sexual addiction healing that we're talking about like the
13:26
same amount of time frame. So going back, just reinforcing
13:29
what you said, we're not talking about character flaws.
13:34
We're talking about ways that you learn to survive and cope,
13:36
similar to last week with the parts work, and we want to heal
13:40
those parts so you can move into secure attachment in all of your
13:45
relationships. Yeah.
13:47
Thank you. Thank you, Thank you.
13:50
We're going to take a quick break for a moment.
13:51
I want to let you know of some things that we have coming up at
13:53
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If you're serious about helping her heal, this is where you
14:56
start. Let's get back to our episode.
15:02
So if we go back to how attachment shapes adult
15:05
relationships, let's just notice that our experiences we brought
15:09
into, I'm going to have this come out of my mouth and then
15:13
we'll see. I'll see how it feels because I
15:15
want to make sure there's no weaponizing of information
15:17
that's done here. At least I can frame it if it
15:19
comes out this way. But how attachment shapes adult
15:22
relationships is attachment patterns are influenced by how
15:27
quickly thread is perceived. That's one.
15:30
So attachment patterns are influenced by how emotions are
15:33
expressed or suppressed. And just think back to your
15:37
family of origin. Think about think about the
15:40
environment you grew up in and think about how attachment
15:44
patterns were influenced in these ways.
15:47
How conflict was handled, how you watched mom and dad fight or
15:50
not fight, or what you learned about fighting from that.
15:54
Whether helpful, good, avoided at all cost, and how repair is
15:59
attempted or avoided. So men often that I work with
16:03
repeat familiar relational power, relational dynamics, even
16:09
when they consciously want something different.
16:12
OK, because we can't change to something else and we don't have
16:14
anything else to change to. We just default to what we know.
16:18
And that's where often the, that's where I'm like, when you
16:20
met your partner, what felt really comfortable on what
16:23
didn't, what felt the safest? So some of the patch attachment
16:27
patterns interact with our parts.
16:30
And that's where we chose to put one lesson before the other is
16:33
we have those wounded parts that we talked about in our last
16:36
podcast episode that hold attachment pain.
16:40
And those protectors managed closeness or distance.
16:44
And they say don't get too close, stay farther away, you
16:47
know, or get closer because it's trying to manage things that we
16:52
have to break some of those patterns.
16:54
And addiction or a compulsive behavior is often developed as a
16:58
way to regulate that attachment distress, that wanting more
17:03
closeness or keeping more distance when I'm made to be
17:07
close. Well, it looks like you want to
17:09
say something there, did you? I just think about when I'm
17:13
working with couples, they can work on this together or they
17:18
can work on it in their next relationship.
17:21
But patterns continue with people.
17:24
And I'm not saying that patterns of if your relationship had
17:27
infidelity, I'm not saying patterns that you're going to go
17:30
get another relationship and there's going to be infidelity.
17:32
If you were cheated on, if you were the person who cheated
17:36
could be a pattern that would continue.
17:39
But these deeper levels of how you show up, anxious, avoidant,
17:45
dismissive or avoidant fearful, which we didn't really cover
17:48
today, but those will continue and those same patterns will
17:54
happen in future relationships as well until we heal them.
17:58
So I'll say to my couples, like you're here now and you're
18:01
wanting to work on this. And I say this because the work
18:06
has to be done for both of you either way.
18:08
So we can work on it here. You can work on it in future
18:11
relationships. But if you want to break free of
18:14
this, we actually have to break free of this.
18:17
Ending the relationship doesn't just make these patterns go away
18:20
because you find a new person. I I even see people who are in
18:25
abusive relationships if they do not do the healing work before
18:30
they go start dating and go find a new relationship.
18:33
Even though everything they say logically is I don't want this
18:37
and I don't want this and I want this and I don't want this.
18:40
Often they find themselves in the same type of patterns of
18:43
relationships, which sometimes doesn't show itself for six
18:47
months or a year or five years into it.
18:50
But then they discover it's those same patterns.
18:52
Because we have to be able to do the healing work to really heal
18:57
the attachment styles. Thank you Or.
18:59
Attachment Coping. So there, by the way, there are
19:03
the the four different ones and they're labeled differently.
19:05
I feel like there's three labels to each of them.
19:08
There's your secure attachment. We talked about that and that
19:10
the your insecure attachments are three different types, your
19:13
avoidance or. Or dismissive.
19:17
Yeah, there are so many different labels, avoidant or
19:20
you're anxious. OK, so those are two opposites.
19:24
But then you have that other one which I find to be very, very
19:28
fickle, which is the combination of the both, which is the
19:30
avoidant and the anxious. Fearful, it's avoidant fearful
19:34
and it's more extreme because you never knew what you were
19:39
going to get. And so with that it is a a
19:44
higher level of instability. And so there's this wanting to
19:50
connect but unable to connect. So there's this pulling towards
19:54
while pulling away. And you see it in abusive
19:56
relationships, in adult abusive relationships, you'll see that
20:00
you see that often after betrayal if you have an
20:04
individual who has gone through a betrayal trauma.
20:07
Often they are thrown into that attachment of the avoidant
20:12
fearful because they're in that place of I want to come to you
20:16
because you were my safe person. I want you to hold me and
20:19
comfort me because you've done that before.
20:21
But I don't know if you're safe now.
20:23
And I don't know if I'm going to get Doctor Jekyll or Mr. Hyde.
20:27
And so I see partners fully get thrown into that avoidant
20:32
fearful for a season after being betrayed.
20:37
The concept here I love so much because what I put along in in
20:42
our adult relationship, in our romantic attachment relationship
20:46
was not fair at all. And I'll tell you the attachment
20:50
concept that I put on her, I put on her a primary attachment, as
20:54
in like a caregiver attachment, which is if my needs aren't met,
20:58
I will die, which is a very appropriate thing for a child to
21:01
experience. If my needs aren't met, I don't
21:04
have the ability to take care of my needs.
21:06
I need somebody else to do that, OK, And I'll die.
21:09
So there is some, I would say appropriateness to if your
21:13
parents can't give you those needs, that there would be some
21:17
adapting that would be very appropriate.
21:19
But if I take those same attachment patterns and I put
21:21
them on, which I did with Alana, which is if she doesn't meet
21:26
those needs, I will die. I'm setting my relationship for
21:31
a lot of failure because what I'm doing is I'm judging threat
21:37
in an old way, the threat of death or the threat of not being
21:41
OK, and putting in this a place where I am capable.
21:44
I am a man, I am grown up. I can provide, meet my own
21:49
needs. I don't have to have my partner
21:50
doing them. So how quickly threat is
21:52
perceived as part of that pattern I need to recognize.
21:55
So we call this like an open versus a closed nervous system
21:59
state because let's talk about this.
22:02
An open nervous system, what it does is it allows some things.
22:04
And we talked about this when parts work last time, which an
22:07
open nervous system who doesn't see threat is as I'm going to
22:11
die, everything's going to go bad.
22:12
I can lean into some of this, leans out of curiosity, is
22:15
flexible. They stay emotionally present.
22:18
They have the capacity for repair.
22:20
That's an open nervous system state.
22:22
A closed nervous system prioritizes some other things,
22:25
OK? It prioritizes protection,
22:28
control, avoidance, survival like responses, right?
22:33
Because I view that person is the person who's going to hurt
22:36
me, the person that's going to really impact me.
22:40
But I took that from a family of origin experience.
22:42
I put on a romantic partner and that's where those attachment
22:45
wounds keep our system closed when there's really absence of
22:49
threats like life threatening threat.
22:52
I know it's big and a lot of maybe help me clean that up
22:55
because I don't want to minimize the scariness of the a loss of a
22:58
relationship, but it is different.
23:00
Well, but what you're talking about really is about nervous
23:03
system, right? That's the nervous system
23:07
regulation and what it is registering as danger and not
23:11
danger. And that's why the somatic work
23:14
is so essential, doing the body work, because nervous system is
23:19
your body. And so if you're only doing talk
23:22
therapy and we're not actually healing the nervous system,
23:25
you're not going to be healing what we're talking about here.
23:30
And so this like you've heard me so much over this last year,
23:35
like pound in this idea of you have to heal the body to really
23:40
heal from this, from whether it be be trial trauma or those who
23:44
have been acting outside of their values and injuring other
23:47
people through sexual ways, both of you need nervous system
23:53
regulation, nervous system healing.
23:55
So we have to do this deeper level work in the body to heal
24:00
the nervous system because it's heal the nervous system and heal
24:03
everything else. Like you can read all the books
24:06
in the world and never heal the nervous system.
24:09
You have to tend to the body and what's been stored there from
24:14
day one because your body started getting messages even in
24:16
the womb. So I want to share is a glimpse
24:20
into me that isn't just past, but it's present, which is that
24:25
familiar often will stop progress.
24:28
So familiar relational dynamics feel right to the nervous system
24:31
even when they're painful. So change is initially going to
24:35
feel unsafe because it's unfamiliar.
24:37
So when Alana would step out of a role and continues to step out
24:40
of a role of a caregiver of needing to emotionally make sure
24:45
I'm OK, like the in my an old system exists as this is the
24:51
end. This is I'm not going to be OK.
24:54
But that's not true. I will be OK.
24:56
I will be, I will be just fine. And it is hard and it is
25:00
difficult. So that change initially feels
25:02
unsafe because it's unfamiliar, but it is very appropriate.
25:06
So the men that I work with and myself interpret like that
25:09
discomfort is like failure rather than our nervous system,
25:13
like learning from that experience.
25:15
So that's where those patterns, it's so important that they're
25:17
in play, which is understand the dynamic that exists that maybe
25:20
came from family of origin where Alana, I'm still like, I'm
25:23
speaking like you're not here. That felt really good in our
25:25
relationship. Like when you show up and you'd
25:27
be like, no, Luke, you are a mate, you are awesome.
25:30
Like you are capable. And I'm not saying you shouldn't
25:32
say that to your partner, but I needed Alana be that for me,
25:36
rather than finding that internally for myself.
25:39
Stepping out of those dynamics that exist can be really
25:41
appropriate. But it's that's why that change
25:44
feels so hard, is because that feels, feels so familiar and
25:48
those patterns do and so appropriate.
25:50
I love that you just bring up the challenge of breaking
25:54
patterns. Breaking patterns is never going
25:57
to feel good. It may be really healthy.
26:01
It may be really wise. It may be exactly your next
26:03
steps, but it doesn't feel good to do it.
26:07
And a lot of times we take of if it feels good, it's right, or if
26:11
it feels good, I'm headed in the right direction.
26:14
But that's not accurate with what we're talking about at all.
26:18
It doesn't feel good to break patterns, which is why we have
26:22
to do, again, not only the body work, but also just
26:26
understanding that, like you said, I think you said this not
26:31
only at the beginning of this episode, but I think you
26:33
mentioned in the last episode too, is learning that it's OK to
26:38
have the pain and OK to have the discomfort when we understand
26:41
what the value or benefit of it is.
26:44
It kind of kind of reminds me of that, the gym experience where
26:47
the muscles breakdown, you go to the gym and does not feel good.
26:50
That's when I want to quit. Isn't like those first few
26:52
weeks, like I'm this first year right now.
26:54
Maybe you're experiencing it. I want to quit now.
26:57
It can feel good when we start to become tolerant of pain and
27:00
we start to notice the pain is going to have an advantage that
27:04
is going to help us. So there can be a reward that
27:07
can come from once I become more used to it, but it's always
27:11
painful. It doesn't feel good.
27:12
It's just we can start to evaluate once we have some
27:15
repetition underneath our valve. Well, I even think about the
27:19
analogy with a butterfly. When a butterfly creates this
27:23
cocoon and it goes inside of the cocoon, it literally completely
27:28
breaks down into mush, and then it rebuilds itself back up into
27:33
the beautiful butterfly. But that process is a whole
27:37
breaking down. It's messy.
27:39
What it was to get to what it was to what it needed to be had
27:44
to be this whole disintegration process.
27:48
But if you would have stopped in the middle of that and looked at
27:51
that, you would be like, how is all of this falling apart
27:55
actually good or helpful? But we outside of the butterfly
27:59
can go, Oh, yeah, this is part of their process.
28:01
So they can become. And so if you are in your
28:04
chrysalis and you're in this breaking down and it's feels
28:08
hard and difficult and you feel like mush and you can't see what
28:13
it's going to look like or what your wings will look like, Just
28:16
have comfort that yeah, that is what it can look like.
28:19
And keep going. Yeah.
28:22
And obviously there can be pain, this experience without growth,
28:26
but that's where there's some key people that came into my
28:28
life. And then I watched for you a lot
28:30
of the word trail guys along the way that said, guess what?
28:33
This pain. So emotions here, yeah, it feels
28:36
like mush inside. It is a lot of mush.
28:38
But you're on the right path. You're doing the right things.
28:41
Don't stop compared to just. And I'm speaking mostly to the
28:45
men that I'm around with myself, which is just the yeah, you can
28:48
just go through pain to go through pain and there's not
28:50
growth, but there are markers along the way to signify that.
28:54
OK, so this remember here understanding attachment
28:58
patterns does not automatically change them.
29:00
OK, So attachment is like a rewired repeated experience we
29:05
talked about with parts work in the last episode.
29:07
That insight alone is not going to override your nervous system
29:10
conditioning. So just because you listen to
29:11
this podcast, you're like, that's good.
29:14
Like I will, if you had that experience, you lose the podcast
29:16
and thought it was good, but you're like, oh, that's
29:18
important information. Guess what?
29:20
This information isn't going to change anything.
29:22
It's not it's going to be the catalyst that provide an
29:25
opportunity inside alone is not going to override your nervous
29:28
system conditioning that growth is going to require tolerating
29:31
unfamiliar relational experiences.
29:33
OK, really on being there in that not running from that
29:37
experience, OK. So just remember we have this
29:40
container that exists. Phase two created that space for
29:43
you to explore your family of origin.
29:45
Our men's program helps you understand those patterns safely
29:50
and intentionally. We're going to guide you to
29:52
understand those attachment patterns without shame.
29:55
Not just like they're having a shame fast over, but creating
29:58
some accountability and normalizing the experience, but
30:02
creating accountability out of it.
30:04
And that works is going to work, is going to focus a lot on
30:07
building new experiences. OK, Staying in that pain, not
30:10
analyzing it the past endlessly when I'm just going to sit there
30:14
and just talk about our family of origin forever and not do
30:16
anything about it. We're going to put some work in
30:18
place and then attach from work in phase two supports emotional
30:22
regulation. This is where you're going to
30:23
learn to experience connection differently.
30:25
In this next episode, we're going to go into a little bit
30:28
more of the addictive system and what comes into play of how what
30:32
those cycles look like and how we break those cycles, how we
30:37
break those patterns. We're going to get into the
30:39
system anyway. It's good to spend time with
30:41
you. Take care.
30:43
Alana Halley and myself are so excited about our upcoming July
30:49
Costa Rica intensive Rise, Renew and Restore.
30:53
This is going to be a sacred fusion of science, soul and
30:58
somatic renewal. For those of you who are doing
31:02
the work now, it's time to receive.
31:05
You've faced the pain. You're rebuilding your strength.
31:08
You've carried the weight of. Healing.
31:11
You've shown up for therapy, you've shown up for your family,
31:13
your responsibilities, and you've learned how to survive
31:16
all of it. But even after all of your
31:18
growth, maybe you're still feeling a little bit
31:19
disconnected. Disconnected from life.
31:21
Disconnected from yourself, your body, and from joy.
31:25
Healing helps you survive. But you deserve more than just
31:28
survival. You deserve to fully live.
31:30
This retreat is for women who have done a significant amount
31:33
of healing work and are ready to rise, rise into the next phase
31:38
of wholeness, the next phase of living.
31:40
You're longing for rest You're longing for joy.
31:43
You're longing for. That deeper connection to.
31:46
Yourself. This retreat is going to give
31:49
you just that. Deep healing.
31:51
Luxury and adventure. Between all of the modalities
31:54
that Hallie, Alana and myself bring to the table, you're going
31:58
to have an incredible experience.
32:00
Spaces are filling up and are limited.
32:02
Head over to the show notes and check out Rise, Renew and
32:07
Restore. Get your spot held today.
32:09
We say every week at the end of every episode, choose Recovery.
32:12
Choose. Healing and choose you.
32:14
This intensive is going to take. Choosing you.
32:17
To a whole new level. Cannot wait to see you there.
32:26
Hey, thanks for joining us today.
32:28
If this is something that you connected with, I'd love to meet
32:31
with you more and talk about it. So what you can do is go to
32:33
chooserecoveryservices.com or check the show notes and there
32:37
what we can do is set up a quick conversation.
32:40
Thanks so much for listening to Beyond the Facade where we
32:42
unmask the authentic cell.