Latest / RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way / Ep. 19 – Guilt vs. Shame

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Ep. 19 – Guilt vs. Shame · RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Today's episode is produced by my friends at Walk West.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: If you're looking to grow your brand and generate leads through podcast or video production, head over to walkwest.com.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, let's start the show.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Rise Up.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: Live Joy Your Way with Comedy Wood.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's time to step into your power.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: Hey everybody, welcome to another episode of Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: I am Comedy Wood, and beyond hosting this podcast, I am a certified life coach that works with individuals on healing that relationship with themselves so that they can stop outsourcing that self-worth, learning to self-source their self-worth so that they can build healthier relationships and find and define success and happiness for themselves in all aspects of their life, whether it be in business or personal matters.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_01: And today I wanted to tackle the subject of guilt versus shame, or just guilt and shame in general.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_01: Recently I was actually on a podcast episode as a guest, and the host was asking me my take on guilt and shame.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_01: So the first thing I want to discuss is the difference, right?
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_01: The difference between guilt and shame.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_01: Now, guilt is more it can, you know, we talk about honestly, we hear about guilt tripping and things like that, and and in that sense, I would not necessarily cater it as a positive when somebody does guilt trip for you or you feel guilty all the time.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_01: But sometimes it can be a useful emotion.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: Um, when you know that you have hurt somebody's feelings, for instance, and you feel guilty about it, it can be a way to trigger you to actually have some compassion for the other person and to possibly look at what you did or said, apologize for it, take ownership of it, but then also learn from it so that it doesn't happen again.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_01: You know, for instance, that that moment, that feeling of guilt can actually trigger this idea that um, you know, you might not be living up to who you want to be or living in integrity with yourself.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_01: And in that moment, the guilt can can lead to a positive effect where it allows you to recognize that that you're not living with maybe with an integrity of yourself and that you would like to apologize, and you can learn from it, right?
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: So you can do things differently in the future.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: Shame on the other hand is um I would say that it comes from a different type of self-talk.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: It's you know, when whereas guilt will come from a place of a growth mindset, for instance, where it's I did something bad, but I could do better next time.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: That's how guilt is is shaped, and and generally speaking.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: Shame on the other hand is more of that emotional manifestation of a fixed mindset, and shame tends to um lead to a more of a this is who I am, right?
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: That's what I mean by fixed mindset versus growth mindset.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: The fixed mindset says, well, this is who I am, this is how I was born, I can't do anything different.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_01: A growth mindset leads you to say that there is a possibility for change or to um get better or grow.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, that's why it's called a growth mindset.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: So, guilt, while it still feels awful, something with this idea of acceptance that you know that maybe you didn't do something the way that you wanted to do it or should have done it, and you're going to try to own that mistake, you're gonna try to learn from that mistake, and you will try to uh rectify it.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_01: Make you know, we can't fix the past, but we can we can um make decisions and choose to behave in a way that at least tries to um rectify the situation.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_01: Shame, on the other hand, is um usually met with resistance.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: Um with shame, we tend to um maybe lie, we tend to run away, we tend to blame others.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: Um sometimes we just try, I mean, it's really about the analogy that I use is is keeping things in the dark, right?
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: It's the it's the difference between um keeping things in the shadow and bringing them to the light.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_01: So shame is all about staying in that shadow, uh trying to get away from the situation, not really owning it, feeling like um it you can't let it be known, this thing that you did or something about yourself, because shame is tied up, it ties up not just our actions, but it ties up our actions with our self-worth.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_01: And we fear that if somebody else uh sees what we feel shameful about or sees what it is that we have done or are, somehow we would be notated as being bad or not good enough or um broken, if you will.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_01: And the thing about shame is that it's really difficult to move through it and beyond it until we're willing, until we're willing to bring whatever it was that happened into uh into the light.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_01: Um some experts will believe that shame is associated with things like depression, aggression, violence, abuse, eating disorders, for instance, addiction.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: Uh while guilt um is not necessarily like sometimes we can feel sad when we feel guilty, but shame is when it can lead to these things such as um all of these issues like depression and addiction and things like that.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: Um understanding the difference between guilt and shame can help tackle the negative thoughts or the self-judgment, right?
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_01: So um research has actually shown that children can experience guilt as early as age three.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_01: Uh however, children can actually experience shame even earlier.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_01: Uh many people have actually seen the reason why shame is more difficult to fight against is because it's again deeply wired in our brain and it's connected to our self-worth.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: So when we when we are identifying our self-worth through shame, it's really difficult to move past it.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: The best way to work through your feelings of shame is, or one of the really good ways to work through your shame is the practice and the exercise of self-compassion, which I know if you've been listening to my podcast or have listened to other episodes that I'd guessed it on, I talk about self-compassion all the time because it's vital.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, self-compassion is again the ability to comfort yourself.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_01: It's uh the ability to comfort yourself and relate to yourself with kindness.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: It's learning how to um snap out of judgment mode when something uh didn't go, you know, the way that we thought it should.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: It's being able to recognize that you are a spiritual being having this human experience and you are doing the best you can with the information you have at the given time, and that when we are experiencing those those feelings of shame, it's to talk about it, to bring it into the light with our supportive structures, the people that we actually trust, recognizing that we're not isolated, that there are other people who have experienced similar things that we can find and seek out the support that we need, and we can also learn from what it is that happened.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: We can learn and we can apply it moving forward.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: It's about treating yourself with acceptance and recognizing that you can move beyond what has occurred.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_01: You don't have to sit in that judgment phase and just look at your flaws and imperfections, that the human experience is about an evolution, a personal evolution, a growth process, and it's about recognizing that there is no such thing as perfect, that we are all evolving and life is this journey that's happening through us.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_01: And so if we can take lessons from the things that we've experienced and apply them moving forward, then we are continuing that growth.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_01: It's about letting go of that negative self-talk where we want to uh tell ourselves that we're forever flawed and that um we can't ever get better, right?
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: It it's it's stepping outside of that.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: It's recognizing, sure, we're human, we're not gonna do things perfectly, but that we're going to take from our experiences and apply them forward.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: It's about learning to forgive yourself, learning to forgive and be compassionate.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_01: You know, it's it's so interesting when I'm talking to my clients a lot of times, I'll have to ask them, you know, when I hear them start, start down the um the process of being very uh negative and self-critical.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: I'll slow them down and just ask them if they would speak to a loved one that way or speak to their best friend that way.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_01: And most often they stop and they look at me and they'll say, Well, no, I wouldn't do that.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: And so the question then becomes, well, why would you be compassionate enough to your friend or your loved one, but you're not being compassionate to yourself?
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: So it's something that we have to learn to practice because a lot of us have gotten into this habit of being so self-critical, but it's um it's recognizing that we do need to forgive ourselves and that even when you plan things perfectly or that you show up, you know, life will throw us things, will throw things at us that we didn't expect.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_01: And sometimes, you know, we're gonna mess up, we're gonna make a mistake, or things aren't gonna go the way that we wanted them to go.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_01: And it's recognizing that we can hold ourselves accountable for our mistakes, but we don't have to define ourselves by our mistakes.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_01: And with shame, what happens is we get really stuck in that spiral of uh identifying with whatever it is that went wrong, and we think that that's who we are, and it's a process of learning that we are not defined by our mistakes, that's not who our identity is.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_01: It's like when, you know, I've said to my kids in the past, I'll get upset with them, and they'll say, You don't like me, or you think I'm a bad person.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_01: And it's it's not about them being a bad person, it's about maybe not necessarily a great decision was made, or the action wasn't very loving.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_01: And so I remind them, this does not define you as a person, this is just a mistake that was made.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_01: What can we learn from this?
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_01: And what would what can we what can we do to move forward?
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_01: So as you are experiencing um, you're going through life and and and you come up against these concepts of guilt and shame, it my the biggest takeaway that I would love is to recognize that you know being kind to yourself and recognizing that you are doing the best you can is really important.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_01: It's about learning from our mistakes, and when we do start to feel shame, it's about seeking out the support we need so that we can start moving through it.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_01: We can step outside of that dark place, that darkness, and into the light.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, I talk about Brene Brown a lot because I really believe wholeheartedly in her concept about this there is strength and vulnerability.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_01: It is so true, especially when dealing with shame, that when we can be vulnerable and we can start talking about the things that we're feeling bad about or shameful about, that is when the healing starts to happen.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_01: And it doesn't mean we walk around and we start talking about it and being vulnerable with the whole world.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_01: It's figuring out who we feel safe with, who are our supporting structures that we feel safe with, and working through it with them.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_01: But it is absolutely vital to work through these things because if we stay in a place of shame, it's our self-worth is defined by that.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_01: And it's so important to recognize that we are more than any mistake that we have made or anything that has gone wrong.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_01: If you ever would like to talk to me and talk about what's going on in your life and would like to see if I could support you on your journey of self-growth and and uh figuring out all of your unique gifts that that are um that are meant to be shared with the world, feel free to book a time at chatwithcomony.com.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_01: Or if you would like to learn more about my coaching or just want to read some blog articles about different areas of life, I hope you'll visit comedywood.com.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_01: And until next time, I am Comedy Wood.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for listening to Rise Up.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: Always remember your uniqueness and the gift that you bring to this world.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: Life happens for you, not to you.