Latest / The Habit Lab / Episode 58: Part 1- Breaking Free from Over-Responsibility

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Episode 58: Part 1- Breaking Free from Over-Responsibility · The Habit Lab

• 1:08
  Speaker 1: We all have areas in our life we might feel stuck or overwhelmed.
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: So join me, jenna Zint Habit Coach, teacher and follower of Jesus, as we go after little bits of better by building offensively small habits that create big impact.
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: This is the Habit Lab Podcast.
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: Hello, welcome to the Habit Lab.
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: I'm going to do a three-part series on over-responsibility habits to break up with it, identifying it, how it shows up, the negative effects of it, and then also probably the last episode would be how to heal from it, like path journey out.
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: The reason I wanted to have this as a podcast series is because I've gone on my own journey.
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: Man, I think it was probably like gosh.
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: I had this encounter with the Lord.
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: So it's like I probably was over responsible for I mean my whole life.
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: Most people will get into it, find it in childhood, like it's kind of a result of something that happened when they were little.
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: But one of my friends I was like shocked at how I didn't recognize it as a dysfunction for so long.
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: And I was talking to one of my friends and I was like man, how did I not see this?
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: Like this was like I wouldn't have called it over responsibility.
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: Obviously, I would have called it being responsible or high capacity or high functioning or something glossy like that.
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: And my friend, profoundly she, was like, yeah, a lot of times the dysfunctions that we have that are shiny or that benefit other people or we get praised for take us the longest and we're the oldest before we recognize them as being dysfunctional, almost like.
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: It kind of reminds me of like anything overgrown can be like what do they say?
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: There's like some kind of quote that's like your greatest strength overgrown could be a weakness or something you know.
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: So I think of it kind of like that.
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: Like responsibility we obviously know is noble and a character trait you want to have, but it's when it crosses the line over responsibility.
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: That's when it becomes dysfunctional and we don't notice.
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: Usually it takes us a while to notice when it's happened.
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: So I would say for me I'll get into more of like the logistics and the details that I did.
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: I have a great little outline for this because I was like I want to make sure I get these points.
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: But for me, one of the reasons I realized I'll never forget I chronically felt lonelier lonely in my friendships, in my marriage.
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: It was this constantly lonely kept popping up when I have like an emotion habit which eventually I'll make that into a little mini course and sell it, because I've taught in my master course a lot and people say that was like really helpful.
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: So, anyways, I have this little habit where I process through my emotions to get to like a helpful spot, rather than just stewing in them or ignoring them.
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: And lonely kept on popping up.
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: I'm like what the heck?
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: I'm like the opposite of lonely.
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: I have a great marriage and I have a lot of friends and like not just direct, not deranged, what's the word, I don't know.
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: I'm in relationship with all my family.
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: I don't understand why lonely kept popping up.
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: And then I got just deeper.
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: After you see a pattern.
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: For a while I noticed like oh, there's usually a narrative or underlying belief here.
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: It's not a one-off incident, and I remember processing with the Lord and be like oh, I actually chronically feel like it is going to be.
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: It is up to me and I will.
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: It has been up to this point and it is currently now and then it will be in my future to be the biggest person in relationships, like to have to give more, to expect less, to show up bigger and better, and that's kind of where loneliness was rooted for me to show up bigger and better.
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: And that's kind of where loneliness was rooted for me.
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: And then I remember I think this was because I was disappointed and had some pain for something Aaron did where, like I think we had oh that's right, we had a party in our backyard and it was for he leads a men's group in town.
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: He's been the pastor of this men's group at Bethel for over a decade and he had the leaders over in the backyard and I served.
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: It was my idea because I wanted to help him like they needed more connections.
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: So then I was like why don't we have the leaders over and we'll do a pool party?
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: And then he was in the pool the whole time and I was like refilling the drinks and the food and I was getting more and more bitter, that I felt like I was his servant to a party that I was trying to help him with, you know, and I remember processing afterwards and I was like bitter and sad.
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: And the reality is, I think the interesting part about over-responsibility is it usually there is a correlation with the other person in the relationship isn't showing up fully, but it's the part that I didn't notice.
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: So I was more aware of how friends were failing me or my husband was failing me, or I was feeling lonely, versus I wasn't noticing my half of it.
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: So I remember when I was like processing, feeling sad and disappointed in that Aaron expected me to serve and he was just like in the pool and I was asked for.
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: He asked for like a drink refill and I'm like are you kidding me?
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: Um, and anyways, and the Lord was like cause, I was like man, I'm lonely and I always feel like it's going to be up to me.
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: Like, if I look at this plainly, I have this fear that I'm always going to have to be the biggest person in relationships.
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: And the Lord was like well, if you keep, it's part of it is because you always chronically go over your 50% of the relationship.
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: And I saw almost like a pie graph.
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: You know 50-50.
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: If you always show up at 75%, there's literally not room for Aaron to show up at 50%.
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: You're enabling him to show up at 25%.
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: Whether or not that's perceived in your brain, you know, like my interpretation of his input or actions or whatever, or it's real.
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: If you're showing up at 75%, and you always do and you beat him to the punch like how could he show up at 50%?
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: And I was like you're not wrong.
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: So then, when I imagined showing up at just my 50%, I actually felt a ton of fear because I was like he will, like there will be balls that dropped, like it's not, like he's going to instantly show up, the like the sliver of the pie Again, thinking about like a pie chart that I'm no longer taking care of, like there will be things missed and dropped and late fees and tardiness and relationships neglected and lawn cared, snafus and whatever that looked like.
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: Cause I can think of a whole, a whole lot of ways that I was showing up in over 75%.
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: But the Lord was like, totally, are you going to be more afraid?
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: Like you can actually be okay in that, but he will never learn if you keep showing up at 75% and then you're doing this, like you're actually doing this to yourself.
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: It's easy to blame Aaron, but your fear of the misses will not enable him to ever give him back those responsibility and you will be self-sabotaging if you will.
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: So, anyways, it went on this journey where I had to like slowly debunk and like learn to heal from being over responsible, but it has shifted the dynamic in my marriage.
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: It has majorly uprooted bitterness and resentment from me and burnout and relationships in like different spheres that I volunteer in, like how I show up, like I said, in friendship with my kids.
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: Gosh, it has been a game changer for health for me going after health.
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: But it's so much easier to notice when you're the over responsible one, to notice how everyone else is failing you or disappointing you, like this chronic disappointment, and not notice your half of it.
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: So because it's shinier and you get applause.
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: So just wanted to go on a journey of like.
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: I wanted this series to talk about habits to break up with over-responsibility.
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: So I'm going to get into it a little bit more.
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: But we call it over-responsibility.
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: Maybe you've heard it called people-pleasing.
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: It could be.
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: It's a bit codependent.
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: It's a lot of times manifests as perfectionism and it's funny because it's not like when I was doing my research and then also trying to explain my own patterns and patterns.
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: I see, when I work with people, with coaching I'm a life coach and I do a lot of this kind of work I think people think I'm just habits, but I do a lot more emotional and relational boundaries, work with my clients, and what I was trying to say, though, is it's not just a clear cut.
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: It's not like over-dependency leads to people pleasing, or people pleasing precedes over-responsibility, and that grows into that, and then it grows into codependency, which the fruit of codependency is perfectionism.
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: It's not that clear cut, but it almost feels like a ball of yarn, that they're all kind of intertwined and feed each other, and maybe, in somebody's life, perfectionism came first and someone else's, people pleasing came first, but the main thing is that usually, again, it's a shinier dysfunction, so it also feels helpful or noble, but really, what it leads to is exhaustion, resentment, one-sided relationships, and my hope is that this series will unpack what it is, why we do it, how it hurts us and, like I said, like what we can do to stop the cycle and embrace healthier ways.
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: So, like big picture, I'm going to go through a few of the names that other people sorry, I think I might have bronchitis, so if I cough a lot more, I didn't know when I was going to kick it, so I'm just plowing through this episode, but over-responsibility can have like an umbrella of terms.
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: It's like for a pattern.
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: I would say.
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: Like big picture zoom out.
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: It's a pattern of taking on excessive responsibility for other people's emotions, actions or outcome.
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: I think of it as more than 50% and I think different people use different words.
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: Professionals usually call it more codependency.
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: It's a relational pattern where one person over functions in an effort to fix care for others, and it's often at their own expense.
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: Parentification Sorry.
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: In my brain I'm like, yeah, that's how you pronounce it A role reversal.
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: Usually a lot of times again, what came first, the chicken or the egg?
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: But a lot of us learn to be overly responsible Because in childhood the roles were reversed and we had to take care of someone, either a parent or a caregiver.
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: But it was like the message and whether it was like literally, like I have some friends who literally had addict moms or mentally unsafe moms or unstable and had to literally take care of them or my experience was the messaging was emotionally ever my parents emotions were my responsibility and some of it was like you know, my own little self's interpretation of what they were doing or saying.
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: Some of it was said to me, so it almost doesn't quite matter how you got it.
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: But a lot of times again, the idea of parentification is a role reversal in childhood.
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: Professionals can call it hypervigilance.
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: Again, that's usually often linked to trauma, but hypervigilance makes Again, that's usually often linked to trauma, but hypervigilance makes.
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: I would say it makes you overly attuned to others' needs and emotions because if you can, if you, I think of it like, I feel I'm totally.
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: This is me hypervigilant.
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: I'm constantly reading people's body language, facial cues, tones, because what I learned as a little kid it comes from like almost this anxious spot, like, if I get real honest, the first level doesn't feel anxious.
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: Now I just I'm actually really good at reading people and noticing nuance and subtle changes and I'm usually fairly accurate.
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: But what it was rooted in was when I was a little kid, I needed to be able to sense the shift so that I could see if I needed to like duck and cover or maybe I could like a shift.
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: I, one of my parents' moods was shifting or they started fighting and I would like notice it and I would try to figure out how I could, um, make the situation like well, it's not deescalate, that's the word.
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: So that's.
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: Hypervigilant is like overly attuned to other people's needs and emotions.
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: Another term that professionals use is overfunctioning.
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: A lot of times they'll talk about, like in family systems, to describe someone who takes on more than their share of responsibility and relationship, and they often again thinking of it like that pie graph.
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: Like I said, they often compensate for someone else's under functioning, so kind of like it's a beautifully terrible.
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: What do you call it?
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: Symbiotic relationship, where one person over functions that enables the other one to continue to under function?
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: Culturally, I would try to think of different like terms, maybe more like that, aren't professional, but we just call like people pleasing.
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: But compulsion, which is like the compulsion to keep other people happy, um, a lot of times it comes at your own, like personal cost, and some of the people pleasing is rooted in like avoiding conflict or rejection, or, um, yeah, another one was a martyr, complex rejection.
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: Or yeah, another one was a martyr, complex feeling the need to sacrifice or overextend yourself, believing that it's sign or evidence of love, or like it's virtuous.
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: But again, if you even think about it, I actually have teased that one day I'm going to write a book that says it's called motherhood not martyrhood, because I think in our culture the idea of not having needs or overextending yourself is love and I think, if you think about it, a martyr dies.
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: So it's not the selfless love or unconditional love.
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: It goes beyond that Again.
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: Think about like a strength overemphasized Control freak.
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: It usually describes someone who micromanages or insists on doing something like really specifically this way, like their way, is the only way to do it.
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: I remember my mom would admit this, but she was a control freak about how we folded laundry and she had her reasons.
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: That's the interesting thing is, a lot of times they have their reasons, but it means that there was no way like we weren't allowed to fold the towels other ways.
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: We would get in so much trouble.
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: I actually felt anxious about doing laundry my whole childhood because it was like wait, are the dish towels in thirds, or are the hand towels in fourths, or did the beach towels get folded the same way as the bath towels?
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: Like it was like, and her logic was that we had a smaller house and really specific cabinets.
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: But what it?
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: It always messaged back to me like I'd be afraid of doing it and I'd avoid it because I felt like I got in trouble and I often did so.
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: Then it would reinforce this idea that she was the only one who could do it right.
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: So insist on doing things themselves because they fear other people's failures or they lack trust in other people.
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: Another way that we talk about this in our culture is superwoman syndrome.
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: Have you heard of this?
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: Or superman, or Superman, depending.
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: It's kind of like this expectation and I would say superwoman is kind of what I hear more but to do it all and to do it all perfectly but really like that, leads to burnout and excessive responsibility for other people's happiness or emotional well-being being another term we would say is maybe the caretaker or the fixer role, taking on the role of solving other people's problems or meeting other people's needs, and a lot of times to the detriment of themselves.
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: I kind of think about this again more than 50% of the pie, but going in the red in your bank account to get someone else out of the red.
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: We're like, oh, actually I can help people, but it shouldn't be to the detriment of putting me in the red, not because I'm self-centered, because that's kind of the messaging or what keeps us going, but it's because realizing like I can't help, kind of the whole idea going back to why martyrhood not motherhood?
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: You're no good to anyone if you're dead, so if you're burnt out and frazzled or if you are in the red emotionally bank account wise, like you're actually not helpful, like keeping and maintaining some reserve so that you can show up continually, day after day, instead of resentful or bitterness, like, oh, that's actually, that is a benefit to everyone.
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: That isn't selfishness.
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: Another term that we'll hear sometimes is being the bigger person.
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: I think this comes on a value for being selflessness Meaning like I would say it's used as an excuse for unhealthy, overfunctioning or silencing boundaries that maybe would be needed.
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: So kind of like.
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: Oh, I know one friend would always say, like I always have to eat the punches or something like.
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: What is that like?
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: Be the punching bag?
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: Or eat the cost, or I'm gonna have to be the bigger person and I'm like actually like in.
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you might have to be, extend grace or mercy, but not saying something is robbing them from feedback in a way that like will allow them to perpetuate that cycle.
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: You know which?
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: Again, I'm guilty of these things too.
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: I think they're all kind of different terms for over-responsibility, which is the whole theme of this podcast series.
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: Sometimes, like ways that over-responsibility show up is perfectionism, like the belief that it's only worth doing or done well if it's flawless, and then a lot of times that leads to us taking on too much, or a fear of delegating, which is kind of like going back to the control freak thing Again.
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: Do you see how these kind of feed into each other?
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: Micromanagement, that's kind of also a manifestation of this.
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: I need to control because a fear that they can't do it or they'll fail me or the way they'll do it will actually create chaos or more work for me in the long run.
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: And the reality is like, even as I'm saying this, some of you are probably just like I would be.
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: What's the rebuttaling in your head?
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: But they would, and I think it would cause me chaos or they wouldn't do it well, or they would forget, and we'll get into that in future episodes.
• 21:28
  Speaker 1: But the awareness of like, oh, actually nothing will shift unless I note one notice that fear is driving me to overfunction.
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: And then, two, we have to go on a journey of getting a better balance in our relationship and that means there's going to be a season where balls get dropped.
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: But unless that happens, we won't actually find better equilibrium and health in our relationship.
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: So it's okay for a season.
• 21:56
  Speaker 1: I can be okay with mistakes, deadlines being missed, fees being added, tardies, whatever this looks like, potentially creating more chaos or problems.
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: If they do it, I can be okay, because I actually don't want to rob them or our relationship from a chance to mature and grow up to a healthier level.
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: Another manifestation of over-responsibility is emotional caretaking, taking responsibility for other people, how they feel, by either trying to fix them or prevent discomfort, or not share your own pain, or always listen to their pain.
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: And that goes into enabling shielding others from natural consequences of their action.
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: And it's funny because do you guys see how these all work hand in hand?
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: Even the micromanagement or control freak actually also comes in, enabling because of I don't want that mess, because I'm going to have to pay for that mess and you have to pay for that mess, so then I'll keep doing this, which enables them to never feel the consequences of balls dropped.
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: And then, lastly, I think one of the manifestations of over-responsibility is burnout and resentment, feeling emotionally, physically, mentally drained due to chronically overextending yourself for others.
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so hopefully I'm not the only one who can relate to those terms or idea.
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: So that is kind of like what is over-responsibility, hopefully kind of like what is over-responsibility.
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: Hopefully, if one of the terms struck something and you're like, oh, I get it more, I understand, or maybe you can even relate to that, but what I wanted to say about that is just simplifying over-responsibility the definition I would like, the working definition I'd like to use for this series is taking on excessive responsibilities for other people's emotions, actions or outcomes, to the detriment or at your own expense, like I'm trying to think of examples feeling like you always need to remind your spouse about tasks or jumping in to fix their mistakes, either at their job or with friends, or shielding them from pain or constantly worrying about their emotions.
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: And if you hear, being empathetic to someone's emotions is different than the stance of like worrying about it, like that's two different.
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: I think that's kind of again going back to the responsibility is great.
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: Over-responsibility is a strength out of control that then becomes a dysfunction.
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: So just noticing like there's going to be subtle things where it's like, oh, you're not terrible, you're not bad, this has just gotten out of control in a way that it isn't actually serving your relationship and is going to perpetuate your lonely feeling.
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: Actually, I remember, as I just said that, the feeling when I had that encounter with the Lord about the pain about hosting and then noticing how much lonely was coming up and then realizing I was half of the cycle, I was part of the codependent cycle and that in that instance I dubbed it my lonely loop because if I kept showing up more than 50 percent then it was a self-fulfilling prophecy that I had a bigger capacity and everyone expected me to do it.
• 25:20
  Speaker 1: So I should keep doing it.
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: So I just kind of for me realizing like I can't just blame other people for me being on this lonely loop because I have not enabled or made space or back down or come to a healthy 50% to only own my other, my half.
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: So anyways, that's one of my things I think, like on my journey of getting to a healthier spot with over-responsibility, I had to break my lonely loop and own and recognize my half of the equation.
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: Where does it come from?
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: Where does over-responsibility come from?
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: Like I said, most of the time I would.
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: I think professionals too, but even from my experience as a life coach sitting with people and then my own patterns, friends' patterns, often it comes from your childhood and whether that is that parentification thing which means taking on responsibilities early for either caring for your siblings too early where that was like your role, like you almost stepped into a parent role or emotionally supporting your parent.
• 26:25
  Speaker 1: So maybe you didn't have an addict or you weren't the oldest of seven or whatever.
• 26:30
  Speaker 1: But sometimes parents with kids that are mature and thoughtful and emotionally intelligent will actually lean on them beyond what is helpful.
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: And then they get praised or affirmed for being mature or considerate.
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: And it reemphasizes this is to a point again overemphasize where then we learn this is my worth, this is valuable, this is actually my role, this is my job, versus a kid's job is to be the kid, not actually provide emotional support in that capacity for your parents.
• 27:03
  Speaker 1: Another thing, another reason that it can develop is from unstable environments Like.
• 27:09
  Speaker 1: Another reason that it can develop is from unstable environments Like gosh, this is like.
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: All of these are me, but like learn, I had to learn.
• 27:15
  Speaker 1: I learned that if I was over responsible and you know, like I said, hyper vigilant in attuning to the atmosphere, relational dynamic between my parents or my brother, setting off my mom that if I could get ahead of it that's why I was hyper vigilant, I could get ahead of it, that's why I was hypervigilant, I could keep peace.
• 27:30
  Speaker 1: So sometimes the unstable environment that people grow up in.
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: They learn over responsibility as a tool to keep peace in a chaotic home.
• 27:42
  Speaker 1: Sometimes people learn it from their childhood, from conditional love, the opposite of unconditional love.
• 27:48
  Speaker 1: Like, oh, I feel valued or my parents seen, or I get praised only when I'm performing or I'm meeting their needs.
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: And I want to say like, even as you're listening to this, whatever my heart would be that whenever I'm presenting anything from childhood, realizing that, like most of us don't have parents that were villains, like most of us had parents who who maybe, like you know, parentification or unstable environments or conditional love, maybe that was our takeaway from their behaviors and then we accidentally built this pattern that they weren't aware what was happening inside our little brains, the awareness of like, okay, that actually comes from something broken and painful in them.
• 28:29
  Speaker 1: So I think that not demonizing this and almost like in this conversation, just be more aware of where this probably started, versus really diving into the parent role or something like that.
• 28:44
  Speaker 1: But yeah, I remember as a kid, with my childhood, watching my parents start to escalate and I knew my dad was the more rational one and he had the slower temper.
• 28:56
  Speaker 1: So if I could catch his eye or we'd always tease that I'd kick the back of his seat and be like you got this dad.
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: I would literally try to intervene.
• 29:04
  Speaker 1: Oh, I feel a little sad.
• 29:05
  Speaker 1: I remember so many times watching the scene and I was like, oh, my dad could just not take the bait.
• 29:10
  Speaker 1: I know she's insulting him, but this won't turn into an atomic explosion.
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: Like if he could actually just manage some self-control and not hone in on the insult or the accusation, like this could be thwarted and I would like try to catch his eye or squeeze his hand.
• 29:26
  Speaker 1: Anyways.
• 29:28
  Speaker 1: So I, while you're listening to this, just asking yourself, like where did some of my over-responsibility take roots?
• 29:36
  Speaker 1: Because I think in noticing where it came from, I think that's actually where I mean, that's what psychologists, not just Jenna think.
• 29:46
  Speaker 1: But that's how you can heal, like noticing the actual roots and the origin story of where you learn, like cutting a weed off at the top versus getting the roots out.
• 29:58
  Speaker 1: So I'm like I always think it's helpful to look at the childhood stuff because it's like, oh Jesus, like that little Jenna needs to know that it wasn't her job to help her dad recognize self-control, and it wasn't it.
• 30:21
  Speaker 1: So then it wasn't her job to be hypervigilant with everybody's, the rising mood or mode in the room or the tones or the facial expressions.
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: So now when I do that as an adult with friends or in roles of responsibility that I'm in, and I'm trying to read people's faces, like, oh, like I actually have to self-soothe a little bit because that little girl's like ah, ah, we know what happens after this.
• 30:50
  Speaker 1: You can be okay if they have emotions, like it's actually okay and not your job to manage other people's emotions and it's not that you could jump in to save them enough.
• 30:59
  Speaker 1: They might make a mess and you can actually be safe and okay and they could clean up their own mess.
• 31:04
  Speaker 1: You don't have to help them not make messes.
• 31:06
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so looking at where does your I'm going to reflect the question back to you where, if you recognize or identify with any of these over-responsibility patterns people-pleasing, perfectionism, hypervigilance, where did they come from?
• 31:22
  Speaker 1: Like, where do you think you got that?
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: And then just going on a journey to invite the Holy Spirit into that and even forgiving whoever you know, whatever relationship kind of was the one that planted that seed, and then noticing the pattern, how it affected you throughout childhood.
• 31:38
  Speaker 1: I actually was noticing how often it'll come up like in your elementary, middle school, high school days, like a lot of times, over-responsible kids will be the ones that are really tuned into their teacher's desires and like and perform specifically for that, for their affection.
• 31:54
  Speaker 1: I totally did that in middle school and high school.
• 31:57
  Speaker 1: I had favorite teachers and I would most of the time be teacher's favorites, but because I would notice what they like and didn't like and play into that because it was safe to be an adult's good graces, like authority figures, good graces or hypervigilance, or over-responsibility.
• 32:13
  Speaker 1: In school age kids can look like taking more, like in a group project doing more than your share, like a hundred percent.
• 32:22
  Speaker 1: Me, I was the one that people would try to get on the group projects because, one, I didn't want to let the teacher down.
• 32:28
  Speaker 1: Two, I didn't want to get a bad grade and then, three, I just assumed I couldn't trust these deadbeat kids to do their work.
• 32:36
  Speaker 1: So I would just do more than my share because I knew I was like that's what I learned, like that was my coping mechanism.
• 32:40
  Speaker 1: So, whatever degree you're at, or perfectionism not being okay if you miss things or yeah, so, whatever degree you're at, or perfectionism not being okay if you miss things or yeah.
• 32:46
  Speaker 1: So, whatever degree you're at, noticing where it came from, what relationship, how it probably showed up in middle school, high school, in your like school dynamic, how it showed up in friendship.
• 32:55
  Speaker 1: And then just slowly, like honestly, when I do these like I call them self-sozo moments, when I'm reflecting usually I do them on a walk because it helps me not get stuck I always put on sunglasses if I'm headed out to like process something like this, because I'm like I'm probably going to cry, but I think of sunglasses as my tear shields, so no one needs to see it.
• 33:18
  Speaker 1: But it's just beautiful being like, like connecting with.
• 33:22
  Speaker 1: A lot of times I'll connect with the Lord's compassion, like how did you see, like Holy Spirit, what did you feel like noticing me get rooted, like this, getting rooted in me?
• 33:30
  Speaker 1: What did you feel like thinking of 10th grade Jenna, who automatically was so well-versed over responsibility that she would do everybody's job.
• 33:40
  Speaker 1: Or 11th grade Jenna, who was on truly a dozen different committees in the town because she didn't want to disappoint a teacher or an authority figure who was like, hey, could you help us out by doing this?
• 33:50
  Speaker 1: What is your empathetic perception?
• 33:54
  Speaker 1: Rather than villainizing anyone, I think we can just miss it and I think the world does that sometimes and actually instead just shifting, be like as a perfect dad.
• 34:03
  Speaker 1: How did you see those moments?
• 34:05
  Speaker 1: What did you?
• 34:06
  Speaker 1: What would you have told me as a caregiver, who I did not need to be the bigger person in that role, like what was your thought and heart for me?
• 34:14
  Speaker 1: And just start to heal by inviting him in and we'll go.
• 34:18
  Speaker 1: We'll get on more gosh more in the future, but I would say recognizing, like how do you recognize in yourself, do you often feel responsible for other, how others feel or whether they succeed?
• 34:32
  Speaker 1: Do you take on tasks that others should handle or could handle and then do you get bitter when they don't?
• 34:38
  Speaker 1: Do you find that you're chronically disappointed with how people don't show up or underperform?
• 34:44
  Speaker 1: Do you find that you're lonely?
• 34:45
  Speaker 1: Like, do you feel?
• 34:46
  Speaker 1: Like, can you resonate with that?
• 34:48
  Speaker 1: I feel frequently like the bigger person in my friendships or my marriage and I just wanted to say like, okay, like I want to invite you to get off the lonely loop and off learn how to show up in just 50% of your half of the relationship, but one of the very basic.
• 35:06
  Speaker 1: So, before I end, this like just a tiny step of awareness is pause and ask yourself one is this truly my responsibility or is this beyond my 50%?
• 35:16
  Speaker 1: And then what I'm not asking, if you notice, is like what will happen if I don't do it?
• 35:21
  Speaker 1: Because that's often where I pick stuff up that's not mine and I'm like, oh, they can't handle, or this will be hard, or this will make more mess for me in the long run.
• 35:29
  Speaker 1: I just ask like, oh, actually, is this my job or is this not my job?
• 35:33
  Speaker 1: And then the next thing I do because the anxiousness that kind of naturally arises for me, especially when I was going on this journey, when I would be like I don't know if this is my job or this is beyond my 50% of the relationship, would be imagining how it would go bad, or balls would get dropped, or the fallout of me not showing up bigger than I meant to be is.
• 35:55
  Speaker 1: I would think like I'd feel anxious and overwhelmed, and so that's just real simple.
• 36:01
  Speaker 1: I would remind myself.
• 36:01
  Speaker 1: It's like a thought habit.
• 36:03
  Speaker 1: I've talked about thought habits before.
• 36:04
  Speaker 1: I think, though, strategically, to me a thought habit is usually the half of you know renewing your mind, like that concept, christian, but realizing when I uncover an unhelpful belief that has been formed from pain.
• 36:21
  Speaker 1: So in my deformation I had this belief that got formed that I had a ton of evidence for that I had to be the bigger person.
• 36:25
  Speaker 1: So going on a journey of first just countering that by simply saying I'm not the biggest person in this relationship and what I meant would be at least I could start by knowing that that was true for me and God.
• 36:36
  Speaker 1: So maybe I didn't think I could trust my husband to do it, my kids, my friends to show up for me or show up, own their 50%.
• 36:45
  Speaker 1: But actually reminding myself it was just almost like going after the roots of this deeply well-worn path of I have to, it's only me, it's up to me.
• 36:55
  Speaker 1: So me just reminding myself I'm not the biggest person in this relationship and I don't have to be.
• 37:00
  Speaker 1: And I would say it again and again.
• 37:03
  Speaker 1: Sometimes I'd actually imagine myself as a little kid purposely getting up on like their dad God's lap, because I'm like oh it's true, I'm literally not the biggest person.
• 37:13
  Speaker 1: Maybe in the natural I still like the evidence might be there, but in the big picture I'm not the biggest person in this relationship and I'm learning how to not show up as the biggest person in the relationship because I'm going after breaking up with my lonely loop.
• 37:27
  Speaker 1: So if that resonates with you at all, I would just like I'm going to reiterate notice where it came from, invite the Holy Spirit in for some healing and then the next time this comes up and you notice yourself wanting to show up over responsible, just ask what is my responsibility and what's not, and then simply sit and remember I'm not the biggest person in this relationship and I don't have to be.
• 37:48
  Speaker 1: Okay, the next episode we're going to go into the harmful side of over-responsibility.
• 37:54
  Speaker 1: I hope this episode we just cleared up, we defined it for you talked about like where it usually comes from, like where do people pick it up and how it shows up, and recognizing it in yourself.
• 38:05
  Speaker 1: Okay, I hope you have a great week everybody.