Latest / WOMEN MAJORING IN MARRIAGE / EPISODE #11 WHEN YOUR MARRIAGE VOW "UNTIL DEATH DO US PART" HAS BEEN CHALLENGED

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EPISODE #11 WHEN YOUR MARRIAGE VOW "UNTIL DEATH DO US PART" HAS BEEN CHALLENGED · WOMEN MAJORING IN MARRIAGE

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This meeting is being recorded. Well hello to all of my queens
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and welcome to episode number 11 of the women, majoring in
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marriage podcast with yours, truly Janice Vance.
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I am so excited about the day I've been telling you all about
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this day ever, since I started my podcast, I told you my desire
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was to from time to time to have guests.
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And this today I'm having my very first guest and I'm if you
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Love me, you have seen all across all platforms.
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Where I told you all today, I will be interviewing my sister
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and I'm going to tell you a little bit about her.
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My sister name is Barbara Carter, but why your hands at
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these Queens out there. Hey everybody.
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She's the mother of two adult children Amber and Curtis Juwan.
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She has three siblings and I am one of them.
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She's a fun, it she's a widow. She's a two-time cancer,
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survivor, she's a Christian, she's a poet.
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She loved to write poetry. She retired from the Bessemer
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City Schools after 25 years of service as a human resources
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executive and also retired from Mount Hebron Baptist Church in
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Bessemer Alabama, after 31 years of service, as the secretary,
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she's passionate for people. She loves giving and helping she
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loved transforming a space. She loved to decorate.
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She loves human smile. Making lemonade from lemons
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beer, optimistic, she loved her family, and friends love to
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organize, and plan events for family.
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And lastly, she stated that she loved doing me.
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Not for show and love. Helping people not for posts.
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It's right? Yes, that's that's the a lot,
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right? That's it.
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How many of you all know that when we you all know?
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This is the women podcasting by me posting it everywhere.
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I'm sure some of you all me and gonna be sneaking in on our
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conversation. But how many know women when we
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first get married? We so excited about that day via
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it whether we had a five thousand dollar wedding or five
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dollar way in what we just went to the courthouse.
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Whichever way it was. We're so excited. and we
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answered and said, I do to all the things that we probably
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don't even remember saying it, we know one because we heard of
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them but we don't remember that very mama was saying I do.
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I do I do and we so happily say I do to all those things to love
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honor and cherish in sickness and in health till death.
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Do us part. All right well better for worse
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let me say that one again for Better or For Worse.
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You said you said I do you might not remember, but you say that.
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Let's forget about work richer up or let me say that one again,
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you said I do for richer or poorer whether you remember or
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not. But we so happily said, I do to
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those things. Never thinking that one day, the
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very thing that we so happily. Say, I do to are some of the
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same things that we are might have to be challenged with one
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day. That's right.
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You might be chatting with Rich or poor.
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For Better or Worse in sickness and health till death, do us
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part as Frank. So today so today my sister's
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gonna come to you Us in her own way.
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However she feel lead to share her story.
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How her marriage vow was challenged with unto death, do
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us part and hopefully she'll be able to inspire those who might
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be going through that might be some widows.
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Listen, that going through it and don't Know how they're going
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to get through it or may be able to encourage those who went
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through it years ago and still haven't gotten through it and
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then, it curves us ladies that are married to appreciate her
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husband. Appreciate what we have, the
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little things that get on our nerves.
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To be the very thing that people who don't have their husband
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would love to have, that's her. So she'll be able to, should be
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able to encourage adjust and that are, she's gonna come at
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her own way. I want to introduce to some and
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present to all none. Other than my sister, Barbara
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Gaya car that guy, everybody pee again, I just want to say that
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first of all that, I'm just happy to be your first guest and
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I am surprised. I accept you and I think it
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works well. But today, I'm just praying
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that. What I say will help someone
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because this, my daily prayer, I kid.
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You not is that I asked God to let me be something, say
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something, or do something that's pleasing in his sight
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that will help someone and my role is being a servant to him.
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So, J Agnes sent me a couple of questions and the first one was
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reflect back to that night. And oh my God, how many times
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have I reflected back to midnight when Kurt back?
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It was May 19 2015 at 8:33 p.m., if he was three and a half hours
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Short of making it to his 56th birthday and Mind you we had
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just buried his father there Saturday prior to curse death.
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And so he had all of that but that night was the shock of my
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life. Life, was drastically changed
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and it was forever challenge for myself and my two children,
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Amber and Curtis I remember that night that he never ever.
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He came home from work and he was tired but he kept on saying
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baby I got to go walking, I'm tired, but I got to go walk in
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here. I had weight loss surgery and
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had lost over 100 pounds. He was living here and I told
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him that was enough, he is starting to pick up a few pounds
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and he said I'd have to go. I have to start my routine back
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and I was lying in the bed and he got dressed in his walker.
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Staff? And then he climbed into bed,
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too. And he hugged me and he held me
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and, and, you know, nibble on my ear and all that.
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And I'm like, man, you need to go on walking like to say, you
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know, because I thought that was going to lead to something else.
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So I wanted him to go walking and he got up.
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And he, his last words. He uttered to me, was baby.
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I'll be back. And those were the last words he
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ever said to me. While I was there, I was
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starting watching TV and watch one of my favorite shows on to
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you soon and the doorbell rang and I went to the door and it
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was one of his friends. One of his classmates both and
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he said, Barbara, I've been trying to reach hurt and I've
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been calling and calling him and he's not answering his phone.
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So I explain it. But I saw a ball.
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He went walking. I see you, feel like if he's
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trying to make himself go I said maybe you know, he's in the
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middle of it and he's got a call yesterday either way.
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I'll let those, you came back and You also, you know, trying
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to reach him. So he said, okay, he left well
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30 days later. Let's do a beer rang again, and
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it was both any Survivor. Somebody's down on my phone
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saying that there's a medical emergency with curb and he said,
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they're just calling people, you know, his last outgoing or
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incoming phone calls, trying to reach somebody to let them know
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and he said, and they say he's unresponsive.
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Responsive. I hate that word.
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I hate to hear that word. Now if it is it pertains to
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anybody on a medical issue. I hate that word.
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That's we heard that work with Jake and it just messed me up
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again. Well, I called my children.
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And they were working, and I tried calling his siblings,
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nobody was answering the phone, so I jumped in something real
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quick and I drove around to their house because your own
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lives a few blocks away. And I was at, they're blowing
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the floor like a Madwoman and a friend family friend came out
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the door and she said they're going to the hospital.
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They got a call about Kirk so I guess you could tell I was just
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unstable. So she said let me drive you let
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me drive you. As you did, I got in her car and
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that was the longest ride of my life.
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It wasn't asked if she was driving it as snail's pace.
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But it's just my my anxiety. My anxious.
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My my oh my mind is just going, you know, and I don't know way
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and I suggest they call him The Seekers falling at the track.
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He's not responding and I just broke down and saying, I just
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want my husband to be, okay, I just My husband to be okay, and
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a hunger from you. And in my mind I could just like
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Envision, what the picture was going to look like when I got
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there and I was thinking it was going to remind me of when you
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had open. Heart surgery some years back
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and that picture was no look gruesome with all the tubes and
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machines and all that. So I was kind of trying to
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prepare myself for that. Well Amber and I we arrived at
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the hospital at the same time and we both go on in holding
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hands, squeezing it. The Titan and I walked into the
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reception area. As soon as I walked in, I'm
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trying to tell him, my husband is Lieutenant Heinrich Hertz top
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Junior, they brought me in and what I'm saying that the door to
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my left open and it was Pastor Harkins.
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Who is my sister-in-law's, their pastor and he said, Barbara come
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this way. Aaron always followed him and
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then he opened his door to this room and all these familiar
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faces in his room and I'll figure out how He got the word,
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and how did you get here? So quick and I'm just now
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showing up, but I'm looking at the room with his siblings, his
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three sisters were there, his brother, his auntie, my pastor,
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his wife, Reverend Harper's, and and I'm just standing the room
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with and they're all of his solemn faces and I'm scanning
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the room. And then I could just middle
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sister. She did one of these numbers.
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And Amber not lost it and I remember just shout, I know my
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baby and leave me. I know my baby.
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Don't leave me. Hmm, because I don't know why I
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look like. I just thought he had that
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choice. You know, there was crazy but
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that's what I was thinking. Like, I just know he can choose
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to do that. And leave me just all of a
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sudden preparing did nothing. Why.
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But you know, I think I even told you Jay and I realized,
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thank God, I'm strong. In my faith that I'm God, wasn't
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picking on me or my children when he decided to take hurt.
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My son came up there. We had to tell you on and he was
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in disbelief as well. And he just kept saying mom who
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birthday tomorrow. He didn't make it to his
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birthday and Ambrose still all upset, her blood pressure
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skyrocketed, so we had to go check her in as a patient so
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that she could get assistance. So, I had to leave the group and
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they tell me so many people came.
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We received so much love and support Jane.
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You all came up and I was trying to figure out of state time the
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next day over there. And I remembered from those who
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I remember seeing coming here, They were.
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Someone they become these about what day are going to now, they
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were so upset, take him out. Damn.
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Now as long as you know the love of her life and her support her
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caregiver, all of that and it was a wet gear going to do now.
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And I was thinking the same thing, what Gail don't do now.
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But when they prepared him and they told us that we could come
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view him, and I was kind of scared walking into that hallway
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or whatever and I will only open that door.
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I saw him lying on the cold table and they had him he was,
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and his mouth was slightly open. He just looked like he was
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asleep. Look like he was in his snoring
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position that he normally being and being, but the thing that
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was so amazing to me was his countenance.
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It was like he had lost Ten years from his face because he
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his dad's death is taking a toll on him and you know just
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everyday life plus. His job was stressful.
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He was overworked and underappreciated, then he had
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just chair was chairperson for the state for fop conference
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that March and he had worked so hard.
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He had worked himself it work. Make it work our children, but
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it was a A grand Affair. And so many has said it was one
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of the best they had attended. So he was tired from all that,
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and but just look at him, all of that had disappeared.
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It was so amazing. Even though I was hurt, it's
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like I knew he was okay if they're making a sense as well,
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I knew that Kurt was okay and I need that.
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I have to be okay you know you got to try to get it together
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and say okay it's time for you to got to make arrange.
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These are so many things going your head like okay, who what
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are you gonna do? What are you going to do?
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And This also, because of his dance, dear, we had talked about
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that until and I had even tried that conversation.
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So many times throughout our mayor's because I was always
15:13
sick, one with the severe illnesses and he never wanted to
15:16
talk about it, but when his dad died, we had that conversation.
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And I told you things I wanted and did morning, you know, I
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don't don't hold me out alone, you know about that, okay, don't
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wait on babe her to come from Utah.
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You hear me that it makes a real to you, you know, when you, when
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you go on and do that that final stage like that, it makes you
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realize. This is real right?
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Stretch it out and people just come and come and come in and
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you just know. So I knew that and then I also
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knew what I wanted for him. I knew I wanted him to have them
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look hot in a casket. I knew I wanted to roses, I knew
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what I wanted for him and the other price.
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This game was pricey and some people.
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I had a cousin joke to me, you need to go dig them up and pull
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some of that stuff out. Why you could all that money in
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the ground but I knew what I wanted for him and to me he
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deserve that the skirt was due to me and my children and then I
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felt like it was the last thing that I could do for him.
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That was my last gesture as his wife is putting him away.
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Nicely And he deserved it. His feel it was Regal, it was
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presidential. It was something that I had
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never seen in some other people had not ever beheld.
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Yeah, well we lined up from this house, get into the limo so
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whatever every block on each block from my house to the
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church. There are officers saluted And I
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remember my sister, I was saying that she was in the limo with
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me. She's gonna give you some like
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Michelle Obama, don't you? It was it was something I had
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never seen anything like it video and you know recording it
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on their phones and stuff. And so when we got to the
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church, I've got to brace myself going in because we had to have
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it at a large church because our church won't when hold it.
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All right, innocence was not large enough and I remember
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walking in New Bethlehem Baptist Church, and seeing a sea of
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blue, there were so many officers there.
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They had taken up one whole section of that church because
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he was loved and he was respected.
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And so many offers respected him.
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So So many came to my house, crying tears, and just share
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some stories of how perhaps help them help them.
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Keep their jobs, encourage them and help them keep their home.
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Some stuff, I didn't even know. I'm like, what?
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No, wait a minute. I didn't know.
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You got to keep do house. Hold on.
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We need have some conversations. But I wasn't angry because we
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both have that type of spear is that if you need our help and we
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are able to help you, we're going to do it.
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And we didn't really have to tell them.
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Apartment or whatever. But now if you were serious
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serious, you know what some big bucks for involved at all of
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that we would consult with each other but it was something that
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we could help somebody do help you in any kind of way that's
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that's who he was and that's who I am.
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So, The funeral got through it. I was trying to be strong for my
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children. I think they were trying to, but
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I broke down because when I walked in and I saw him, that
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was one good-looking black man in that casket.
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It's just me. This is so good to me.
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Awesome! Oh my God.
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Now we've got a good look a bit like him to say what he wants.
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Oh, deserves were nice. We got his schooling from again
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leaving from the church even. They had even shut down the exit
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on the interstate then in has passed by the church. going to
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the cemetery every block again, it was either police officer or
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fire department officers Salute all the way and then we'll be
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ready to turn into the cemetery. There was a huge fire truck and
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I just burst out into tears and officers they did a solute then
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it when it's parade rest and five-stroke have the big flag.
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It was just it was just something to behold.
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But again, I truly believe he deserves because he was loyal to
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the city of Bessemer, some of the cars that these people
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arriving around those SUVs. It's because he wrote the grants
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for some of them. The computers, the technology.
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He was one kept it going and so he deserved that he truly truly
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deserve that. So I was so grateful.
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And for those who didn't didn't catch on Kurt was, what was his?
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What was his position? He worked for the best police
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department, and he had worked there over 20, some years.
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And prior to that, he worked for the graceful Police Department,
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all of Alabama and he was a police officer to his heart.
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He had gone up the race, and he had just received the rank of
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Lieutenant March prior to his dying and it was long overdue.
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If you ask me. So hey, he got what, you know,
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you gotta send off like he deserved.
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He really did. He was a good man.
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Not a perfect man, but none of us.
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Are he had his flaws? And he has some impaired
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jewishness some time but he steals a good man and I look
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back and what I'm grateful for is that we were in a good place
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he and I we're in a good place when he died because Kurt and I
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have been married for 33 years. We had dated for two.
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So 35 years of him in my life and there have been some moments
21:15
where we were in a good place. So I was just so grateful that
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we were in a good place. And again, as I said, I knew
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that God wasn't picking on me and my children when he took her
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from us and then I was grateful that I know, and I know that God
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is still worthy to be praised. I don't care what you're going
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to how to mag, look how dark. It seems how you know you're
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going to say, what do I do now? Just That God is still worthy to
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be praised. And I tell everybody that you
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saying, how did you get through it?
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And I say, the joy of the Lord is my strength and that's what I
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live by this. What I go back and that's how
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I'm able to do what I do. You asked me what was one of the
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hardest adjustments and him dying on me going on.
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And I just have to say living from day to day without it, that
22:10
was one of the biggest Adjustment because you're so
22:13
used to a person 35 years of your life and you're so used to
22:17
that person. Checking on you calling you
22:19
coming in, you know, it was so different.
22:24
It took a while, you know, I was still on the phone ringing, I
22:26
would think it would be Hillman. So you, you have to encounter
22:31
Shake Yourself sometimes. Okay, snap out of it, but I have
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to say this one of his friend, girl, she's a female.
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She calls his friend I'm up high school, like I said, his
22:44
classroom, real close. They always stayed in constant
22:46
contact and fellowship. They were just a great class
22:48
class of 77, just in their High School.
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Give you all a shout-out and better get called me.
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And she was talking that she had lost her husband summary as well
23:02
as she was shared with me. Some things that she said and
23:05
barbarous and six. You talk slow Barbara it's been
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six years since I lost timing and girl I still am not Going
23:12
nowhere. I'm in this house with these
23:14
blinds drawn, and I have to be real.
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I'm like, in my attitude. I'll hurt them.
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Like, six years. Good, please, assist, you smell.
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It is talking about, it takes a toll on.
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You takes a toll on your life. One thing I know without a
23:40
shadow of a doubt is that Kurt loved me and you loved out to
23:43
chill. Okay.
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Nobody tell me otherwise, I don't care what they say.
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He did what he said what if I knew?
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Cause love is what love does. And I knew without a shadow of
23:51
doubt that he loved me and he loved our children and People
23:57
used to take a special family said, girl, you're so spoiled.
24:00
Her got use for it, just don't make no sense to just for and I
24:04
realized he was gone that. Yeah, I was, I am spoiled
24:11
because it okay was wanted to gas in the car.
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Kurt was the one who gave me breakfast and big curves one
24:19
charge my cell phone. I think you did too much, to be
24:24
honest. She we going on?
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Yeah, oh my God. And when I got the news that he
24:32
had passed when I got the news, he's past.
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The only thing I was I was crying.
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I was so hurt. I kept saying, what is Gail
24:41
gonna do? I didn't know how she was going
24:43
to make it because everything? Oh, thank you, baby.
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That's what day. She's old curtain, brought me
24:51
some oranges here. Got him.
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Slice look for me. Curtain did this.
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He did indeed there, but, and you can share a little this, and
25:03
you can share a little this as well because about you being a
25:09
cancer survivor. So he, he, he again so used to
25:13
doing things for you, and when you got okay, he was there.
25:17
He was your nerves. He was he was here.
25:19
He was everything a stir and the Thank you diagnosed with cancer.
25:24
Just tell us a little. Tell us a little bit about that,
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so that's in sickness and in health, that will allow the girl
25:31
that he said, I do too Jan. I could hear atopic baby, but I
25:40
was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma, and at that time, my
25:45
kids were small, earring, five, and eight.
25:48
And it was just a little knot in my neck and I wasn't going to
25:52
Don't feel bad, it wasn't hurt me, you know, so I said he's not
25:55
bothering you, so I'm not gonna bother it but a friend, a
25:59
co-worker, DARE officer, believe it or not.
26:02
Come on said, my childhood was spent in it.
26:04
But and so, it came back in the doctor said, I have some good
26:10
news and I have some bad news. I'm late.
26:14
I said okay let me have the bad news first.
26:18
He said well it came back and it's cancerous but the good news
26:22
is if you got to have cancer is one of the best ones to have.
26:24
I'm like come on and it's so strange how that happened to
26:33
Curt would take. Go to me on my appointments, on
26:36
care, what I had to do some days, I would like that.
26:38
Nobody else was getting this weight room but I look back
26:42
down. And we have some people here
26:46
doing some work on our bathroom. I think.
26:48
And he didn't go with me and so they had the trucks all around
26:51
driveway, so I can get it out of the park across the street.
26:55
And he met me out there cuz he like, he just sensed something
26:57
was wrong and I told her and when I say he was there for me
27:02
guys, oh my God, he was there. Kurt went to the chemo.
27:06
Treatments, sat through that stuff, brought me home.
27:15
Then that was because, you know, some days, right after chemo.
27:20
You be so sick and he kind of had a weak stomach, but he dealt
27:25
with me because, you know, you had denies, you just throwing up
27:27
and I'm just saying I'm sorry, he would, you know, baby?
27:30
It's okay. You can't help yourself.
27:32
He was his good to me, guys, he really was.
27:35
So what I say he was a gym and then when I got canceled the
27:40
second time, again, he as with me this time on the news though.
27:46
I had gone in the doctor, said your Barber, his cast was, I had
27:50
breast cancer and I looked at her, when the doctor walked out
27:54
the room and I said, baby, not opinion.
27:56
And he said, baby, you know what?
27:58
We survived it before we gonna survive it again?
28:03
And again, he was there. He was just there and I'm so
28:07
grateful that he was there. Nothing was too much.
28:11
They didn't act like, you got tired.
28:13
Nothing was too gross. And I'm just grateful.
28:17
I really am. He was a good person Grand my
28:21
bath water, and then I was even working.
28:24
Some mornings, I would wake up and there was just be new outfit
28:27
on the door and he was a baby. This is what you wear in the
28:30
work today and just doleful. He had a whole outfit once he
28:37
learned my taste because a lot of times I let my son was too
28:40
small or too big. I'm taking that back.
28:46
But what's he trying to learn my taste?
28:48
It was pretty good. I was glad.
28:50
And I mean, down to the pantyhose, the accessories that
28:54
go with it. So he was just and I even also
28:58
remember jail when I was working, you know, now, come on,
29:02
those two kids, I'll be what out how to fall asleep and it was
29:06
time. That's how I had hair and ready
29:07
to roll my hair and I will wake up the next morning and
29:11
Roosevelt have credit roll my hat and you know, if you don't
29:13
how to roll those Ends the ends. You stick it out.
29:44
As after the phone calls and the texts and the visits are no
29:48
more, you will live back, just sit back, just a little bit.
29:53
Maybe I can, I can see. But okay.
29:55
Okay. Okay.
29:56
That's damn you that I'm better. Okay, okay.
30:00
All right. The long, the loneliness.
30:03
Yeah. The loneliness is no joke.
30:07
Once you know, all the noise has stopped.
30:11
And that's sometimes about again like visits and texts and phone
30:14
calls. And on that Bobby Womack's.
30:17
Isabelly wrote a song Save You Think You're Lonely.
30:19
Now wait until the nighttime. Those are some long nights they
30:25
really are and One other thing I want to tell people is Dad.
30:33
If a person. Give them time to process.
30:37
This will sometimes you fluid people, and it's hard.
30:42
And I remember one day, I just said, a y'all, I got escaped and
30:45
we went to a apartment and it wasn't me being rude or, or not
30:49
being grateful for the people, you know, who was coming to
30:53
support. But sometimes you just need like
30:55
a quiet time because this stuff when it hits you and his best
30:59
shot, you need to process it. And, you know, people come in
31:02
and you trying to smile and go through it.
31:05
Act normal and you're not normal, you're not knowing you
31:09
had the shock of your life and know that your life is changed
31:12
forever more. So you're not normal.
31:14
So give people time to process and while we're talking just
31:18
gonna throw this out here for free.
31:20
What a person? Die you all had need to have
31:23
Facebook and social media and Equipment stop posting people's
31:27
damn let their family, you know, right, I had not.
31:32
When I came home that night and stuff and I said, oh Lord, I am
31:35
too. One of my best friends.
31:37
And when I called her, she said, yeah, my daughter called me
31:40
because it's on social media. Somebody from the police station
31:44
and I'm like, give the family time to prime.
31:47
It will notify. People have some fans, have some
31:54
adequate. Everybody want to get out and
31:56
tell how they move that person hush.
31:59
You have time to tell your story.
32:01
All right? Let the family be able to do
32:04
that. And when I say, Bellamy
32:06
immediate family magazine, it was Unreal.
32:10
I mean, the videos and the tributes, we appreciate it, but
32:15
it was too soon. It was too simple.
32:18
So once you get to that, And I look back and like I said, Kurt
32:26
was a giver and, you know, this Jay and I mean, the holidays
32:30
were just unreal and the one prior to him dying, the
32:36
Christmas before he died. It was like, it was his overly,
32:41
you know, above what he normally did and I was like, what about
32:44
me all these Rings? It I don't need all these
32:46
watches and why are, you know, but I asked I realized was his
32:50
last Christmas and What? I'm here to tell you guys,
32:56
that's not what you miss. That's not what Maps.
33:00
You miss the small things. You know.
33:03
I'm a, I'm not a materialistic person, I like stuff, I like
33:07
nice things I like to do. I want to ride it.
33:09
I want to where I want to eat it.
33:11
I want to I do that but don't be so materialistic and let that be
33:16
what defines you or what? Makes you know you missing the
33:19
Small Things guys? I miss your smell.
33:23
His cologne, his scent. I held onto a shirt for the
33:26
longest of him, because he still had his scent on it and turn it
33:31
faded away. I miss him.
33:34
Holding my hand curve has always held my hand.
33:37
When we go on trips, he was going to have my hand going at
33:40
this house or he's going to have my hand, I miss him.
33:44
The curved side of service, he was going to drop me off in
33:47
front so that I won't have to walk the distance.
33:51
He was going to go and get the car and bring it back.
33:53
So when we left the place, I miss that, I miss his snuggling
34:00
me every morning before he went to work.
34:02
I miss that grasp. I missed his that touches him
34:06
holding me men. And him holding me.
34:11
It's like I knew stuff is going to be okay, regardless of what
34:15
we were going through, just his touch and him holding me in that
34:18
strength in his arms. I knew things were going to be
34:21
okay. I miss his voice.
34:24
I missed a good morning. Babe, I missed a good night
34:27
babe. I miss the phone calls during
34:29
the day. How you doing babe?
34:31
Are you okay? The small things?
34:35
It's not the material stuff. You can buy this stuff, and this
34:39
stuff when you leave here, this stuff is gonna be here.
34:43
Gonna be record that everything in this house.
34:48
You know what? He had gained and all of that
34:51
this material stuff, so Don't be so materialistic.
34:54
That's not what you're gonna miss.
34:56
I missed. I love you.
34:58
Oh my God. I miss that little I miss him
35:01
telling me. I'm beautiful and I miss him
35:05
helping me. Get rid of on Sundays for trips.
35:11
Are you need some help in all these spikes and all this?
35:15
Oh my God, we were on vacation last month and we can ready to
35:22
go. Go to church and she tells them.
35:24
Oh, Lord! I miss Kirk Jen.
35:26
Could you come over here and help me?
35:28
I salute you even a break my nail.
35:30
I ain't not occurred. Some of the wild used to curse.
35:34
You still use absurd here for her little smart but small
35:39
things I'm serious. Tell me I'm beautiful and I
35:43
leave you always said coming back I coming out modest on he
35:46
said who who is they're pretty woman right there and we just
35:50
beautiful and even with a mastectomy and all that he still
35:54
made me feel beautiful and he would say, okay, all right, turn
35:59
around. I want to be the first to tell
36:01
you I know you do. The church today Church though
36:03
me and going to tell you and they don't be trying to get a
36:05
hood, I missed that, I miss our field trips.
36:09
I call a field trips when we just jump in the car and just go
36:13
somewhere and just stop wherever you want to stop and, and eat or
36:17
buy something or go to a park, I miss that, I miss our fun trips.
36:23
He loved to go. And that's one of my biggest
36:25
regrets is that I didn't travel with him as much as he wanted me
36:28
to because With him and being in fop and with the police or
36:33
whatever. He was always going to some type
36:36
of conference. And he always wanted me to go
36:39
with them and a lot of them I declined because I felt like
36:43
okay I need to stay here because mama need me.
36:46
I need to stay here. That the children need me.
36:48
So that's another nugget women. Place your marriage as a
36:54
priority place. Your husband as a priority.
36:58
God, your husband and everything else.
37:01
Fall in place. Get, it's okay to get those
37:03
cheer from the baby seal trust the baby seal.
37:06
Yes, absolutely them with, and you travel with your husband and
37:10
do some things. Just the two of you is good to
37:12
go on a couples trip is good. If on a girls trip is good on a
37:16
family trip but you need some a long time.
37:19
Just you and me. You and your the most essential,
37:24
it really is. And I'm so glad that we had just
37:28
come off of a trip in May and we had the best time, all we have
37:35
the best time. And so I reflect back on that
37:40
because it was just unreal and he was happy, I was happy, it
37:44
was just good so I miss all that and again, don't take it for
37:49
granted. Don't take life for granted
37:51
dads, do Don't take it for granted, please don't.
37:55
I say that. We the richest person and the
38:00
poorest person have the same thing in common, the healthiest
38:04
person. And a person who is terminally
38:06
ill have the same thing in common and that's this moment.
38:09
And you have to cherish this moment.
38:13
Don't let it slip away. Don't use your your moment in
38:17
foolishness and feel feelings and Have I left you say no you
38:25
see it's okay because I have a phone call coming through this
38:29
whacked-out but I see. Okay.
38:34
And you have this moment and don't don't don't don't waste a
38:38
moment if headedness and jealousy and envy and all of
38:42
that, use the moment. Your time wisely last piece
38:47
wise. So the takeaways unless Jake You
38:52
have any questions for the takeaways?
38:55
You do you doing good? Where are you going through?
39:04
If you have lost your spouse, whatever pain you're going
39:09
through. I will tell you grieve in your
39:12
own way and in your own time move on when you're ready, don't
39:18
move on because somebody somebody I'm going to set you up
39:22
with somebody don't because they said, okay, been long enough.
39:26
He's been moping long enough, you've been grieving long enough
39:29
or you got to be over him by now.
39:32
People don't really understand if you're not going through it,
39:34
so grieve in your own way. I'm not asking it about away
39:39
seven years. Like me, I thought I was ready
39:43
for someone else in my life and I even allowed me to come for
39:48
how many weeks tan 30, I was some weeks.
39:57
Yeah, I'm just tease, it would maybe three weeks, three weeks
40:01
and I realize, I'm still not ready and it's not because I'm
40:05
so hung up on Kurt and I can't move on from him.
40:09
It's just that, I'm just at a place in my life where I know
40:11
what I want. I know what I had, and I know
40:14
what I'm doing to accept and not accept.
40:16
And if you can't come, you know, correct.
40:19
Then I rather you not come at all.
40:22
So That would take away is in your relationships.
40:26
As our receiver takes a enjoy one, another Yes.
40:31
Do things. Just the two of you?
40:33
I'll keep this small just going to the park.
40:36
I'll give you just ran to the convenience store, to get an
40:39
icing. Do some things that just love
40:43
you, right? And laughs laughs then another
40:48
thing, boost that man ego stroked their man's ego.
40:52
Stroked your apartments ego, let them know that you love them,
40:56
let them know that you appreciate them because that's
40:59
something. I know that.
41:00
I knew that I appreciate you. I told him that I don't care
41:04
what he brought me what he did. For me, I said to thank yous and
41:08
we've been, we got there for my mom.
41:11
Mama told us to say, you'd be great here that people don't
41:14
have to boy and even though you're married to a person and
41:18
you think okay, that's their job.
41:20
I realize through my illnesses and seeing other people up
41:24
there, that their spouses weren't anywhere near around
41:27
around or how blessed I will. Us to have a spouse who care so
41:33
tell him. Thank you.
41:34
Tell him, thank you. Tell you love them.
41:36
Tell them you appreciate telling their your king boost their ego
41:40
support them curnow. We supported each other.
41:44
Like I said, you had that big conference.
41:47
I got there, I had to do the program booklet and every day
41:50
coming home with a new age. I'm like, man, if you bring
41:53
another ad here for me to type, but the book was massive, it had
41:58
almost like 200 pages in it for love.
42:00
It's in the 80s, had to be encoded.
42:02
We had to collect this stuff but I get it for him because he did
42:06
for me at the church. You again.
42:08
I'll be there all night sometimes curve would be right
42:10
there with me. Sometimes children to, if I had
42:14
to decorate, he was going to be right there.
42:17
And so stroke that ego support them, help them do fulfill their
42:23
dreams and their goals are and don't just be nagging all the
42:27
time. You know, some things may not
42:30
be. Be like, you know, my goodness.
42:32
He's come against talking about this.
42:35
He come again, bring it in, you know, you got to act like you're
42:39
not tired, right? Okay.
42:44
Now what, what's your, what's your dream?
42:46
How do you think you can get to that point?
42:48
And I'm here, I'm here to help you get there.
42:51
I said when I said he worked me and my cheers and the death that
42:54
we can. We did my son.
42:57
No color later. He had to cook the food with me,
43:02
I'd like I said, do the problems.
43:04
Then we learn at the last minute that The Decorator went there.
43:07
I had to go into Civic, some Bessemer, City Center, decorate,
43:11
all those tables and to call in a favor for my sister-in-law
43:15
tired, tired, tired, but it was so worth it.
43:19
So submittal, You learn to talk things out, don't fuss things
43:26
out of Customs out. Talk them out at again.
43:30
I'm grateful for that I learned early on and I'll mayor's.
43:33
I remember I was there to Curt about something and he had gone
43:36
downstairs and I'm just pacing back and forth with the the door
43:40
open. So he can hear me, suspect,
43:42
Henry, fussing, and I had kind of got quiet for a minute, but I
43:46
heard. There's no one's coming from
43:47
downstairs, that's it. Me asleep.
43:51
It was Laura so loud. He don't even hear you about
44:01
being, okay? I'm gonna say what I have to
44:02
say. You know, my chest and we move
44:04
on It's okay for your husband or
44:28
your spouse, you're not that angry.
44:31
And I always said, I don't care if we live in a three-room
44:33
house, it was large enough for the both of us to calm down in
44:38
that space. Never go without speaking.
44:42
It's too much work outside. People do that.
44:45
You had a permit of you. How much work that is?
44:47
A lot of energy actually. Yeah.
44:50
Whole intentionally, not to speak this too much work.
44:56
I see his troubles. You go then to the last thing.
44:59
One of the last things is have those hard conversations about
45:04
dear. A lot of us don't want to do
45:08
that, but the thing about it life is the thing, that's
45:13
uncertain, death is sure. We all got to leave here one day
45:17
we don't know when it's going to happen.
45:19
So how those hard conversations? And then I also have your
45:23
Affairs in order. I learned that in Jam is as as
45:27
as harped on that and and and, and it's so true that you need
45:30
to have your paperwork in order. You need to have things like
45:33
will be of your living wheeler because you'll be Has been
45:36
people died. How to tell you stuff, changes.
45:41
It changes and so, The regrets there are going to be some, you
45:50
know, I look back. Like I said I didn't travel him
45:52
as much as I wanted to and thereto.
45:55
I regret that I saw the value that I had in him but I didn't
46:00
see the value of that others had in him.
46:02
I didn't see how important he was to the senior investment,
46:05
how important he was to those officers, how important he was
46:10
to his friends and he was he was a good guy, I can see now A
46:17
screen and he helped so many people.
46:21
And so Don't live your life with regret.
46:25
You know, I regret not traveling this much but there's nothing I
46:28
can do about it. Regret is just that's it is
46:31
already is read about it. Some, don't let the moment slip
46:39
away, be thankful, be grateful, and All Seasons.
46:44
Love on each other. Love on people, help people.
46:48
And it's Jan said, help people without posting I love doing me.
46:55
Not for show, I love just being me.
46:58
I love helping people, not for post.
47:01
Let's not be so quick to just post everything that we do for a
47:04
person. I've helped so many folks and I
47:06
forget about because it's from my heart and you run into people
47:10
in the street and they're still bring it up and somebody, I
47:13
forgot to tell you. I did, I did it for my heart,
47:17
not for know after ladies because man can hide you.
47:21
And then there's so my as I see it, my goal every day is to do
47:27
something, say something, be something that's pleasing and
47:30
Gus. Like and so I'm just going to
47:32
end with a poem that he wrote to go and cursed program and it's
47:38
entitled baby. And it stays little.
47:42
Did I know that would be our last Embrace little?
47:47
Did I know I never again. See your smiling face right now.
47:52
I am feeling lost and so long. So many questions and emptiness
47:58
in our home. They you have really been so
48:03
good. Taking care of me like a husband
48:06
shooter standing by my side through sickness and him being a
48:12
great provider, working hard to attain with, we survive through
48:18
the good times and the bad, we've stood the test of time
48:23
whether happy or saying, Our vows retail.
48:35
To death, do us part. You should always have the key
48:40
to my heart with love and great to Gail.
48:44
Love of water here. Guys, life is so insert, your
48:48
life can change in an instant. I'm a witness mind.
48:52
Do you. Thank you, James for this
48:54
opportunity. I pray that I've said something
48:59
or somebody's heard something that will help them in their
49:04
life, in their Journey. In their struggle.
49:10
I pray. Thank you so much.
49:15
WoW, with what an awesome. First interview.
49:18
Thank you. Thank you, thank you.
49:20
Yeah, like she said, I will when I told her and she immediately
49:24
said, yes, I was like, oh, I know this God, this is working
49:29
on girl because because she has, she's a speaker, she's a writer.
49:35
She's the porch has all its these things in In her.
49:38
So I'm like, okay, now I know she can do is going to bring it
49:41
out and this has been a great Inspiring interview.
49:46
And I'm sure one of the things that I did is because, and this
49:52
is so important. Because, as far as grief is
49:56
concerned and loneliness is concerned, the devil will get in
50:00
your ear and it's not that you can't make it without that
50:06
person. It's just like every day is a
50:09
struggle. You wake up with that, hope you
50:11
go to bed with that whole. You're trying to move.
50:13
All day with that whole than you because you know the two of you
50:17
may want to it's like you're not home yet again and here getting
50:23
your ear and I'm living witness and you know I am sharing this
50:27
with a lot of people he got in mind to help make you think just
50:31
just cook this thing called life you don't have to hang around
50:34
just and it's not that I don't think I can do without Kirk
50:38
again. It's that feeling is that hope
50:40
is that depression? And depression is real.
50:44
And some tell a person who, who's, who's going through that
50:48
are having that in your ear because you're tired of that
50:52
hole, you're tired of them for what you're talented emptiness,
50:55
you're tired of waking up that way, feeling like that all day.
50:59
Pray, pray your way through, pray your way through.
51:05
And then also put something that means something before you, I
51:11
would always see my children's face and I Sam & Dave, I really
51:14
don't do this. I heard in the loss of a parent.
51:17
Now, why you want to hurt them? The two most precious things
51:22
that you love and I will see my mom and my siblings and I fought
51:27
my way back, guys, I fought my way back.
51:31
I'm always watching smile, I don't care what and last, I
51:34
don't care what and so I was kidding.
51:37
I've heard you say, hidden behind the mask are hidden
51:39
behind the mask that Martin was hidden from the Those who I
51:44
love. They didn't know that I had
51:47
those thoughts or I was going through that.
51:50
So, you know, check on the folks who smile check on the ones who
51:53
laughing. And then the ones who are
51:56
obvious, you know, the tell they're different check on them
51:59
as well. But if you're going through
52:01
that, there is light, life is worth living.
52:05
Don't succumb to what the enemy is putting your ear.
52:09
I love y'all with the love of God, you can get through it.
52:13
And pray. And what I had to do, I promise
52:16
you guys, I pray as God to renew my mind for a new, give me a
52:22
renewal. I'm not, that's the key.
52:25
That is the key and he will give you a Zeal and zest for life.
52:29
So hey, I'm on a I'm on a New Journey.
52:32
Now, I'm on a new kick. Now babe, I'll try to get
52:34
something this weight off of me assume that I can just live my
52:38
best life and that's what I encourage you to do to again.
52:42
I love you with the love of God. And I pray that you've been
52:44
here, I'm sure I'm sure a lot of people have been helped and
52:49
being blessed those who have gone through those, who's going
52:53
through it and even you might, it might not be death, it might
52:57
be another season that you're going through in your marriage
53:00
or whatever that you don't. You want to give up on our you
53:05
don't feel like there's no hope. I'm sure from this interview,
53:08
you learn, how you can make it. But think about what she went
53:14
through suddenly. And she still here to tell her
53:18
testimony. It's Ryan and and so we can, but
53:22
don't suffer in silence. A lot of people walking around
53:26
suffering in silence. It's okay to get help.
53:29
It's okay to say under pressure so it's okay.
53:32
Okay, no matter what it is, you it might not even be a husband.
53:36
That my name, be the situation might be something else.
53:39
But whatever it is, you can get through.
53:41
This has been a great interview. You can't get through.
53:45
I have certainly, I have certainly been inspired.
53:48
And I know everyone else had as well.
53:51
I thank God for a testimonial testimonial.
53:54
Thank God for the time that he allowed her and Kirk to hell,
53:58
and to share, and all the good times.
54:02
And You know, she shared some her regrets that she didn't go
54:06
on some of his troops with with his job.
54:09
But he took on a lot of other trip, they went on vacations and
54:14
and spent time together. So that's important to.
54:18
So remember that you are not like you did go on trips with
54:22
them. I hate, you know, he's the last
54:25
one. And I remember column, and I'm
54:37
just talking, like I'm stealing best messed up.
54:38
That's it. I'm letting that you go, Isis
54:40
balance. Am I got to go and spend some
54:42
time with my who lets you buy a sigh and a person became moms
54:46
are not so much. The curtain, we enjoyed
55:35
ourselves. Yeah, yeah.
55:36
I did a lot of trips in a lot of family trips with the end only
55:40
when the children were small and and everything, but that was
55:46
just, that was, that was great. I appreciate it.
55:49
As I'm sure everyone has gotten something out of this.
55:58
Something of value that they can take and using their life even
56:02
all y'all me and The stalking don't be trying to stop stop
56:06
this. Women, major and marriage, where
56:08
I talk about thing, marriage and the marriage, major with you
56:15
here and at the introduction of the podcast, it tells what the
56:20
mayor's major is is for women that are married who not just
56:25
want to have a surviving married, we're going to thrive
56:29
and marriage and to those that are engaged.
56:33
To encourage them to prepare for being a wife before that wedding
56:38
day, you know you'll get caught up.
56:39
Once he asked him to marry, you get caught up and saying, yes
56:44
and you don't focus on what marriage is all.
56:47
What is marriage all about it? What you getting yourself in?
56:50
So I try to encourage those that are engaged to prepare for the
56:57
wedding. I mean, they're married prepare
57:00
for being a wife, right? Can you, can you cook?
57:03
Ooh, can you manage money? So I'm sitting around waiting
57:06
waiting on her husband hadn't. Gotten her husband, are you
57:09
really a white material, right? You know room.
57:15
But you can't, you can't manage your money.
57:19
You ain't gonna be able to manage his you saying you will,
57:22
but you won't. All right.
57:24
You you, you can't keep your clothes wash but you said, you
57:29
can get you gonna be able to keep it.
57:32
So I try to encourage them, you stop and picking up all your
57:36
fast food because you don't know how to cook, but you can see and
57:39
you're going to learn how to cook when you get married.
57:42
So just to encourage them to prepare for being prepared, for
57:48
being a wife, know, who, you know, who you are and and
57:52
embrace yourself, and then those that are in the seasonal way
57:57
than seem like, that's the most people that I hear from those
58:01
that. At are believing God for the
58:03
husband waiting for their husband, and I encourage them to
58:10
let him find you, right? Don't be, don't be vulnerable,
58:14
right? Don't let down your standards
58:20
just to say, you got a man or you tired of waiting or you
58:24
looking at the biological clock talking about.
58:27
Oh, I'm in my third, I'm in my forties.
58:29
I need to get married. So you get anxious and To settle
58:32
for anything. But I enjoy life and find
58:34
yourself. Learn, you love yourself.
58:37
So that's what the the mayor's Majors all about, but we're
58:42
going to close. And I just thank God for episode
58:45
number 7, which will which will be posted on Wednesday.
58:50
Is the second and fourth, Wednesday, and the link will be
58:54
on, on all the platforms since I put it out that I normally
58:58
don't, I normally just put stuff in my Facebook group women,
59:03
majoring in their marriage, but this particular one I want to do
59:07
different so I'm going to put it.
59:09
It's on be on my page is going to be on Gail page and if you
59:13
see it, you share because it is gonna bless somebody no matter
59:19
what season they're in. And that's what I wanted.
59:22
This this to be all be about, but in a way once again, thanks,
59:26
Gail and we're going to end this.
59:30
We're gonna end this. And yeah, please that been
59:34
rocking with me because she I look at my I look at my
59:36
followers and I see you all supported me and it's not all
59:42
about me. The things that I'd be doing
59:45
this God is just get to me in my sleep oil or something and it
59:51
won't let me learn. So I do it.
59:53
And so I have to just be obedient and do it and I'm like,
59:57
okay now let's calm down. I won't do anything else.
1:00:01
Just let me We sit and do this and that, but I have to be
1:00:04
obedient. So it's not about me, it's about
1:00:06
encouraging, is about encouraging women, and that's
1:00:10
what and that's what we need. We need encourage, we need to be
1:00:13
there, we need to be there for each other, and that's why a lot
1:00:22
of people because they think they do.
1:00:32
That's what the mayor's Majors all about.
1:00:35
But you guys should go have a great day and you can find me at
1:00:40
www.ge.com ants.com and I have Facebook group women, majoring
1:00:47
in their marriage, you all have a blessed day and I'll see you
1:00:53
next month. Thank you.
1:00:56
You're welcome. next month. Thank you.
1:00:56
You're welcome.