Latest / Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute / 73: The Myth of "I Told You Everything"

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73: The Myth of "I Told You Everything" · Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute

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I can't tell you how many times I've heard a man say she knows
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everything now. And honestly, every time I hear
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this it makes me cringe. Not because not so much because
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he I think he's lying, but because I know he believes it
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and that belief itself is is the problem.
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So let's discuss that some more. Welcome to Beyond the Facade
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podcast. I'm your host, Luke Gordon, and
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I'm thrilled to have you join me in this space today.
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What we're going to be doing is diving deep into the trials and
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triumphs and truths of seeking authenticity.
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Becoming your true self isn't about a single action or a
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moment. It's a relentless pursuit, a
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commitment to self that reveals a rich connection and meaning
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that our life has to offer. So whether this is your first
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time tuning in or you're a regular listener, know this What
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you're building here goes. Beyond a conversation.
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You're here to challenge, to change, and to celebrate the
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incredible journey of becoming your authentic self.
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Because when you dare to. Show up fully.
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The rewards are immeasurable. So welcome to Beyond the Facade.
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Let's get started. All right, everybody.
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So what we're going to do here is we're going to talk about
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this. You've already read the title of
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the episode, so it's the myth of I've told you everything.
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So just go back to a moment when you, if you're the betrayed
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partner, your partner says everything's out there,
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everything's out there and you're just like, oh, it just
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doesn't feel right. Think about the times that
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you're like, and you know, if you're the betraying partner,
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the times that you've been like, everything's out there and
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you're just so want her to see that and go want your partner to
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acknowledge that you've shared everything and she's hesitating
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or they're hesitating. Let me expand on this part,
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which is it's cringe not because I think the person is lying, but
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it's because they believe it. And that's the being the problem
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because at the end of the day, it's it reflects that there's a
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misunderstanding of like honesty and awareness.
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So I just want to point out that most people don't realize that
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they're still trapped in a constructed reality, in
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something that they've constructed to live in the world
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that they believe is real. But that version of their story,
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it feels safe, it feels logical, it feels defensible, but isn't
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fully true. OK, can I just repeat that
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again? So.
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A version of the story that feels safe, logical and
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defensible, but isn't fully true.
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So let's tie in what people do so they create realities all the
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time. All right.
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So. Denial isn't just like refusing
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to see something. It's not like I don't want to
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see that. It's like building an entire
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world view that keeps you from seeing what reality is, right?
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We construct it there. It is constructed.
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So we we all build stories that make sense of our world.
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That's a human experience, right?
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Just like step into another culture, step another part of
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the world, watch it crumble. What you think, you know, just
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because you step into some, you know, like because diversity
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happens, because you step into a place where you're like,
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something is different. The problem is, is when the
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story becomes like this fortress of I have to believe this, I
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can't look at anything different.
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So when we defend that fortress that we've built and we defend
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that with like selective evidence, like we're looking at
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things and we're going, OK, this is how I can make sense of this.
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There's just going to be a bunch of rationalization.
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There's going to be a bunch of partial truths, right?
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And we don't have to actually see it.
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Let's just think of someone who believes something that's
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clearly not true and then gathers endless evidence to
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prove it. All right.
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So. That's not deception, that's
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devotion to some false narrative.
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And that's exactly what denial does.
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I don't know, baby. I don't know how you all feel
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about this analogy. Maybe I brought it up in a
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podcast before, but think about a flat earther.
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There's some really passionate people out there that are like
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the world's flat, the Earth's flat.
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And it's like, really, that's what you believe.
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How? And they can actually provide
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some evidence or whatever it might be for them to have make
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sense of it, to believe what they believe.
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So that's exactly what denial does.
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What we want to do is we want to name the pattern in our groups,
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especially phase one and phase two groups, men's groups.
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We talked about the addictive system at work and please learn
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about it if you haven't already. It's so important because if we
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just start focusing on like, the problem is the behavior itself.
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The problem is the cheating, the problem is the born, the problem
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is the lying. We don't even tackle What's of
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the root here, OK? So.
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Let's zoom on. Zoom in on what's actually
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happening internally when a person says I told you
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everything. All right, let's tie it into the
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addictive system, and specifically the belief
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structures that come in place. So the addictive system depends
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on control. What is it trying to control?
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An image, an emotion, a narrative and an outcome.
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So. I've told you everything becomes
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like a control statement. It's like it's not about truth,
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it's about regaining balance, right?
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When something fills out of balance, there's the belief
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that's underneath this. And I'll give you some examples.
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Actually, I'll give you one example.
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A belief that might exist that's faulty is, is if I've arrived
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and now I am in reality, I don't have to keep facing harder
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truths. And how painful is that?
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Like that it comes in layers, like every time we think we
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know, also more face with something new.
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But if I've arrived and I figured it out, that means I
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won't face anything new right now.
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No more surprises in my recovery.
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No more, no more. Just that feeling of not
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knowing. So.
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What somebody might say is, as I've told you everything, but
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what they're really saying is, is I need this one to be over.
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I need this to be over. I need to stop feeling like this
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out of control feeling. But here's the deal, recovery.
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It's it's not about control. It's about the surrendering
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process. I mean, how annoying is it like
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12 step, like surrender, right? It's not annoying.
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It's just it can feel hard when it's like recognizing that you
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to let go. I do need to surrender.
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Let's spend some more time exploring some of these belief
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systems. If we had a belief
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infrastructure build on some early messages, maybe in family
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of origin around power, love, sex, truth, that can really
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shape our belief system that would cause us to not be able to
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be in a reality, right? If I believe I'm not enough.
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If I believe that worth comes from acceptance, comes from a
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performance, that means I'm going to have to build a
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infrastructure that supports that.
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It allows me to be able to stay accepted by people.
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So. When these beliefs that we have,
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they're distorted, denial is going to take a lot of root
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because it's feels safer than reality.
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And but there's a lot of errors in thinking.
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So addictive system, belief systems, thinking errors.
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OK, so that's what we have to follow.
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A belief system has to prop it up, which is thinking errors.
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So that's. The scaffolding to this like
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false self, right, so much of this shift, blame shifting, the
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rationalization, the minimization, all of it happens
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because of the thinking errors and I can mop up when I was
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spilling myself. OK, so let's.
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Talk about why it's so problematic.
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You might be like, look, we already talked about why it's
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problematic, but the illusion is I'm in full awareness, OK?
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That's what I'm telling my partner.
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I'm in full awareness. I have nothing to hide from you.
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I've shared everything. That's impossible, right?
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Oh my gosh, I get passionate about this.
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Just stop telling your partner that you're in full awareness.
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The impossibility of being in full awareness.
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I'm not in full awareness. I'm not.
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I hate that I said that way. Like on the benchmark for full
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awareness, I'm actually trying to illustrate the fact that the
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full awareness is something that you are working for all the time
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to try to get there. So recovery, it's progressive.
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Like it's progressive, it's layered.
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What did I hear somebody say? It's progressive revelation.
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Like it builds. Like you can't understand one
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concept until I understand another concept.
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I can't be ready for one level of truth until I have a certain
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level of truth. By the way, I'm all sudden
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realizing as I'm like speaking, I'm becoming all the sudden
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aware that I'm not giving. Like if you're a betrayed
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partner or if you're betraying partner, I'm not giving this
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pass on. It takes a little while before
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you can be honest because you're not an awareness.
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That's not what I'm saying. I'm not saying like the lies
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that exist. It's just the stop defending the
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reality. Do you think is actually
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reality? Phase one of healing is coming
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out of denial. OK?
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So early in healing, you don't yet have the capacity to see
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what's still hidden, right? Because your brain and your
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nervous system and the shame defenses are they're still
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protecting it. They're still alive, they're
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still still hitting. That's I think it's a lot of
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reason why trickle disclosures happen.
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I don't think trickle disclosures are all about
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partners going. I don't want to share all the
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truth with you as is how much I push that crap down and I don't
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want to acknowledge it, say anything about it.
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So. I think that's the process,
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which is your brain and your nervous system.
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Your same defenses have to come down to gain access to those
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parts of our brains that we shut off.
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OK? So true awareness isn't true
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awareness grows as like, safety grows.
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OK, So I have the chance to come into true awareness because all
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of a sudden they realize I'm safe.
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Like, I watch guys go through the Full disclosure process.
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It's amazing. You see them going, I don't know
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how I can't remember all the details.
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How am I supposed to remember all this stuff?
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And you watch them lean into the process and they start to feel
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safer in ways they didn't even know was possible.
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As they start to comb through the recesses of the brain and as
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they and they start to feel safer, even though they're going
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through all the hard stuff and they're like, oh, wow, this
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isn't going to kill my relationship.
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It's scary. Maybe it will, but I'm not
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feeling the same way I used to about it.
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So they also they have a level of awareness because safety
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increases where the safety creases.
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It came in through leaning of the process.
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So you can't see what your brain still protecting you from.
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Can I say that again, you can't see what your brain still
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protecting you from. That's why humility is like a
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really essential in this process because it keeps you open to
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learning what you can't see yet. All.
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Right, So let's talk about this false safety trap.
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So saying she, she knows everything provides emotional
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relief, right? So for him, sometimes even for
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her temporarily, right? You know, everything's out there
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that can be a temporary relief for that, right?
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Some emotional relief. But that relief's built on a lie
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because it creates that false safety, that sense of stability
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that is going to collapse later when new truth emerges.
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That's the part is if I tell you, you know everything, when I
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come into awareness now I got to defend like that, that what I
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said earlier, we want to get rid of that.
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So fault safety, it's kind of like building a house on sand.
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So it feels like really solid, but it just takes a big wave and
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it comes knocks it all in and it always does like it always does.
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So what are you building it on? Here's another piece of this.
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It's interesting how acknowledging the danger helps
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your partner. So when you name the reality,
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which is I don't know everything yet, you actually create some
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real safety right there and then paradoxically, like
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acknowledging danger builds trust because it's signals like,
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like I'm self-awareness, humility.
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I'm not going to try to tell you everything's going to be OK.
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I don't know. I'm still working on going
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through my recovery Suddenly when when you can say that I'm
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still learning to be honest, building a process to be honest
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for when you're not what that looks like.
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That's going to that foundationally, that's going to
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there's going to be levels of trust that can start to be
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restored even when you aren't acknowledging the fact that
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you're never going to make a mistake again because it's not
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about being perfect. It's about being real and it's
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about being consistent. That's what provides that level
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of always forgot the word stability.
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It's not that security. Security.
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That's what creates the security is the is that consistency, not
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perfection. All right, so one more piece of
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this, one more piece of the why it's so problematic.
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The illusion of full awareness is that the arrival illusion,
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thinking that you've made it so believing that you've arrived
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shuts down our ability to be able to grow.
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OK, so if I think that I'm in full awareness and that's where
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I've gone, I'm like, yeah, it's all truth.
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I'm not going to be looking for evidence that I'm not a full
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awareness. I'm going to shut that down.
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So it signals that the learning process isn't over, Like I don't
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know. So now that's the self no longer
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needs to examine it, but now I need to examine it because I've
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acknowledged the fact that I'm not in full awareness.
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So it's that mindset that breeds like in recovery, like that
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mindset breeds breeds stagnation and relapse when I think I've
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arrived. Because the moment you believe
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that you've arrived, in that moment, you're going to stop
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growing. And in recovery, when you stop
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growing, you start sliding back into your old system.
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All right, last piece of this. So managing outcomes versus
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living in truth. Let's break the distinction
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down, OK, Managing outcomes versus living in truth.
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So managing outcomes, that's what you're doing is controlling
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perceptions. So like, that's your partner
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going. That's not the way that I see
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it. You're like, no, no, no, no, no,
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no, no. I know what truth is.
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Let me show you what that truth is.
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You're managing A perception. I feel like you're hiding
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something. Nope, not hiding something.
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Live in my world, doesn't it not like that's controlling
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perception, that's managing outcomes, trying to get specific
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results. For example, I need my partner
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to be calm. I need stability in my
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relationship. I need this image that I used to
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have restored. Managing outcomes, living in
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truth. What is that?
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That's like being honest, regardless of how it affects
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outcome. It's so beautiful to watch men
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do this. I love it.
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Sorry I keep saying men, women betrayed too.
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Keep doing that. It's not just a man thing.
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Managing outcomes is still still about you, the living in truth,
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being honest, regardless of how that affects your outcomes.
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So when you let that go, your comfort, your control, your
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image, living in truth, that's about the integrity.
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So it's doing what's right, even though it'll cost you something
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or everything. And that is going to that is the
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letting go of the illusion of that.
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I'm in full awareness and there's something has to move
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there. OK, let me give you, before we
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start to wrap out this episode, I want to give you some.
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I want to give you some better alternative, some language that
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could exist if you're used to defending your reality.
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OK, let me give you a more practical language that you
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could use. Again, not a script.
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Find your version of this, right?
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Find what your truth is. So it might be something like
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this. Your partner's asking you all
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the details and your theme of your messages right now.
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I've shared with you everything that I'm awareness of, but I
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know there are parts of my story that I'm still learning to see
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right now, and I'm committing to the process.
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I'm not committing to what I think reality is, and it's not
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because I want to hide anything, but it's because I'm still
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waking up to myself. Now, I recognize when you say
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that you're going to put your money where your mouth is.
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You have to go to your work to come more into awareness, right?
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You can't just say that and then you weaponize it.
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If you just say that and don't do anything, your weaponizing
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and your partner calm down because it sounds like a good
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thing to say. I just want to encourage you
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keep bringing those new insights forward.
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I'll let awareness deepen. We're going to practice
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curiosity. Why am I still holding that?
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What am I blind to? And get it just super involved
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with people that are feel safe, that can challenge your thinking
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that can you feel like really value you care about you
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mentors, therapists. Coaches.
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Other group members that give you feedback about your blind
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spots, they know they care about you, but don't sugarcoat
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anything for you. They care enough about you to
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not do that. They challenge your reality.
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So anyway, just appreciate you spending some time with me.
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The invitation is the myth that I've told you everything.
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It's not actually about so much the being dishonest.
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It's about that misunderstanding that what honesty really is.
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But true telling, it's not like that finish line, but it's that
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way we live. It's that way of life and it's
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how we live in humility and we keep growing and we rebuild
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trust to like one layer at a time.
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Just ask yourself right now, like what parts of my story, my
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what am I still holding on to? What do I still need to believe?
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That was a strong feeling. What do I, what I still need to
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believe? What can I look at right now?
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Let's look at it as a layer of truth and just watch what
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happens. Watch what happens when you you
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share that next layer of truth and you see what happens.
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See what sets you free. All right, let's go spend time
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with y'all. Hey, thanks for joining us
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today. If this is something.
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That you connected with. I'd love to meet with you more
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and talk about it. So what you can do is go to
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chooserecoveryservices.com or check the show notes and there
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what we can do is set up a quick.
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Conversation meeting. Thanks so much for listening to
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Beyond the Facade where we. Unmask the authentic itself.