Latest / INSPIRE STORY / The MOST EYE OPENING Speech On Why You FEEL LOST _ UNHAPPY In Life

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The MOST EYE OPENING Speech On Why You FEEL LOST _ UNHAPPY In Life · INSPIRE STORY

0:00
Speaker 1: We confuse success and happiness. Now, success and happiness can overlap,
0:05
for sure, but more often than not they don't. Happiness
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is happiness. Success is success. You're going to end up
0:11
chasing society's idea more money, a better holiday, a nicer phone.
0:15
I'm not saying those things are necessarily wrong. The problem
0:19
is is if we chase them too much at the
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expense of what our happiness is.
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Speaker 2: Hey, everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the number one
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health podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every
0:35
single one of you that come back every week to listen,
0:38
learn and grow. Now today's guest is one of those
0:42
few guests that we've had on twice now today, and
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it's because his last episode was so special, so powerful.
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I know it impacted so many of you, and his
0:52
books have as well, So I'm so excited to talk
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once again to the one and only doctor Rung and
0:58
Chatterity Now. He's regarded as one of the most influential
1:02
medical doctors in the UK and wants to change how
1:05
medicine will be practiced for years to come. His mission
1:09
is to help one hundred million people around the globe
1:13
live better lives. He hosts the most listened to health
1:16
and wellness podcasts in the UK and Europe Feel Better,
1:19
Live More, which regularly tops the Apple podcast charts. The
1:23
podcast has received fifty million downloads to date and is
1:27
consumed by over two point five million people every month.
1:31
He's known for his ability, and this is why I
1:33
love him and why you'll love his latest book, To
1:35
Simplify complex health advice and finding the root cause of
1:40
people's health problems. If you remember his last episode, you'll
1:43
remember we've really got into how doctors can differ and
1:47
change their perspective about how they view their clients and patients.
1:51
And of course today we're talking about his brand new book,
1:54
which I'm going to hold up the virtual digital version,
1:58
which is the world we live in now, Mind Happy Life,
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and I really really hope that all of you go
2:04
out and grab a copy of this book, Ten Simple
2:06
Ways to Feel Great every Day. Rongan, It's great to
2:10
have you on the podcast again. It's great to see you, honestly,
2:15
congratulations on this amazing book and all your incredible success
2:20
and I can't wait for people to read it. But
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thank you for coming to talk to me about it.
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Speaker 1: Jay, Thanks for having me on for a second time.
2:25
Your show's fantastic. It's a real honest and looking really
2:28
look forward to this conversation.
2:30
Speaker 2: Yeah, me too, Me too. And when I was reading
2:31
your book, I love how you're changing the way we
2:37
perceive doctors and how doctors perceive patients. It's like this
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really interesting cycle of here's a doctor talking about happiness
2:49
and how happiness is at the core of our health.
2:53
And that was one of the things I really appreciated
2:55
when you last came on, when you were talking about
2:58
when you often see your patients last more, how many
3:00
times do you see your friends, how many times a
3:03
week do you get to together with the people that
3:05
you love? And I was thinking, Wow, this is really
3:07
a fresh perspective, and you've done it again. I want
3:10
to dive straight in. You talk about this connection between
3:14
health and happiness. I want to start off trying to
3:18
understand because often we find that pursuing happiness is actually
3:24
bad for our health as well. So how are you
3:26
seeing it differently.
3:28
Speaker 1: I'm not necessarily saying that we should be pursuing happiness directly.
3:33
I think happiness is a byproduct when we do the
3:38
right things. There are all kinds of things that we
3:40
can focus on on daily basis, and if we do
3:42
those things, we can talk about some of those later.
3:45
For sure, I think happiness comes as a side effect
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off that, So it's not really I think the destination
3:52
we should be aiming to get to directly. It's more
3:56
the kind of direction we might want to take in life.
3:58
It's something that I think we do want, but it's
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becoming quite unfashionable these days to talk about happiness, and
4:06
that really really interests me. But in terms of the
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relationship between happiness and health, for me as a doctor,
4:12
it's always how can I get to the root cause
4:14
of my patient's problems? Right, Yes, what symptom have they got?
4:19
But actually what's going on behind that? So they might
4:22
come in with a headache or a migraine, and sure
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I can diagnose them and tell them what that is,
4:28
but I want to help them understand, well, what is
4:30
going on in your life and your lifestyle that might
4:33
be contributing to this. And for many years I have
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said publicly on many occasions that about eighty percent of
4:39
what we see as doctors is in some way related
4:43
to our collective modern lifestyles. But then I began to
4:47
wonder a few years ago, Jay Well it's lifestyle the
4:50
root cause. And when I say lifestyle, I mean things
4:52
like food, movement, sleep, and relaxation. And I thought, is
4:57
there something that's even more important, even more upstream, and
5:02
that has consumed me for a few years, And I
5:06
really think there is. It's our happiness and our mental
5:09
well being. So when we are happier with our lives
5:13
and in our lives, we naturally become healthier. And I
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think there's two main reasons for that. Happier people, So
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people who are more content, who f you're more in
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control of their life, who are living more in accordance
5:25
with their values. Actually, they naturally make better lifestyle choices.
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So if you feel good about who you are and
5:33
what you're doing in life, you're less likely to feel
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the need to comfort eat and open that box of
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chocolates in the afternoon to get you through. You're less
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likely to dive into the tub of ice cream in
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front of the sofa in the evening. You're less likely
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to open a bee or half a bottle of wine
5:53
to help you drown your sorrows. If you feel happier
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and more content, So I think that's one component our
5:59
life style choices become better and it becomes much easier.
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But I think that's another component as well. Research shows us.
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There was a study called the Nuns Study, and they
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follow nuns across the duration of their life, and essentially,
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once you had controlled for lifestyle, so same diets, same
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sleep patterns, same exercise habits, once you'd control for that,
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the happier nuns lived longer and they were healthier. Right,
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So it's independently linked with good health outcomes as well.
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And I've seen this with my patients, Jay that if
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I can help them think differently. But if you're someone
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who allows the actions of other people to overly influence
6:42
how you feel, you know, an email from your boss
6:45
makes you feel really angry and annoyed and you don't
6:48
know how to process that, that is creating stress and
6:51
tension in your body. That is also absolutely relevant to
6:56
your health and your health outcomes. And we don't think
6:58
of that. People don't realize, I think, or not enough
7:02
of us to realize. Certainly, I would say with the public,
7:05
but also within my profession, that's an inability to forgive.
7:10
Holding onto anger and resentments, holding onto hostility is absolutely
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associated with all kinds of negative health outcomes. Autoimmune disease,
7:20
heart disease, cancer, you know, strokes, all kinds of things.
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So what do I want to do is the dots.
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I want to help people, and I know I'm going
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to be able to help them better if I can
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help them become happier.
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Speaker 2: The reason why we're unhappy, And it would be interesting
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to go down that path, because the reason why you're
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working on these things, the patients that you work with,
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why you wrote this book, is because we are to
7:46
some degree unhappy or dissatisfied or discontent with who we are.
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And we don't know what our values are because we've
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never been trained and educated as to how to develop them.
8:00
And we don't know how to be aligned with ourselves
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because we don't even know what that means. We never
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really were exposed to that vocabulary or those words up
8:08
until the last few years, even in mainstream society. When
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you're looking at the root of our unhappiness, where is
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that root of our unhappiness that you're seeing it come from.
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Speaker 1: I think much of it comes from society and this
8:28
idea of what success is. So I think one of
8:32
the big problems is that we confuse success and happiness. Now,
8:37
success and happiness can overlap, for sure, but more often
8:41
than not, they don't. Happiness is happiness, success is success,
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and unless you intentionally go through a process to actually
8:49
define what those things are for you, you're going to
8:52
end up chasing society's idea more money, a better holiday,
8:56
a nicer phone, you know, a better hotel when you
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go and stay away with your family or your partner. Right,
9:03
I'm not saying those things are necessarily wrong. The problem
9:07
is as if we chase them too much at the
9:10
expense of what our happiness is, and many of us
9:13
fall into that trick. I have fallen into that trap, Jay, Right,
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I have absolutely, you know, I start off the book,
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I think the very powerful story about my dad's you know,
9:23
Dad was you know, he grew up in India. He
9:26
came over to the UK in the nineteen sixties in
9:28
search of a better life for him and his family,
9:32
yes us here in the UK, but also for his
9:34
family back home in India. And Dad worked incessantly. You know,
9:39
Dad was a doctor. There was all kinds of discrimination
9:42
he faced. He had to change speciality because actually, you know,
9:46
he was unable to progress in the speciality that he wanted.
9:49
Many Indian doctors will tell you this story. From the
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nineteen sixties in the UK, there was a glass ceiling
9:54
for you. You couldn't go past a certain point. So
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Dad moves speciality to help provide security and stability for
10:02
us as a family. When Dad was consultant, my dad's
10:05
life for thirty years was he would do his job
10:10
in manster Wom Infirmary as a consultant physician in the
10:15
day and three to four nights a week. My dad
10:20
wouldn't sleep at all, so he'd come home at five
10:23
thirty in the evening or six pm in the evening.
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Mum would give him dinner, he'd go upstairs and shave
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and then there'd be a car picking him up at
10:30
seven pm and their Dad would be off all night.
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He'd come back the following morning at seven am again,
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have breakfast, shave again. I remember he he would shave
10:38
twice a day, go to work. Dad did this for
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thirty years. And here's the problem, Jay, My whole adult
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life until nine years ago when my dad died, was
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being a career for my dad. I moved back to
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the northwest of England to help Mum and my brother
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look after dads. This kind of idea of what's sess
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is it killed my dad. He chased it, he got it.
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I had a fantastic education, right, I couldn't want for
11:08
a better education, but I never saw my dad's You know,
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my dad died very very early in the last fifteen
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years of his life were hell. I think that story,
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whilst potentially not as extreme for some people, there will
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be people right now, Jay, who love your content, who
11:24
are listening to this show or watching it. I'm probably thinking, yeah,
11:28
I sort of I love my job, but maybe I'm
11:31
working a bit too hard and I'm kind of sacrificing
11:35
the things in my life that are really important. So
11:37
I kind of feel society gives us a false idea
11:42
of happiness. You know, we think happiness, Jay, is that
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billboard you know, that billboard image of the smiling couple
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on the beach with their children with the ocean behind them.
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We think that's happiness. Now, that's not happiness. That's a
11:56
pleasurable experience that can form part of a happy life,
11:59
no doubt, but that's not happiness. You know, I've got
12:03
two young kids, Like I've got a eleven year old
12:05
son and nine year old daughter, and you know, all
12:09
of us. I think as kids younger than that, when
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we're really young, we've got that inner happiness. You know,
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we're present, We're in the moment. We're playing, maybe with
12:19
our siblings, maybe with our friends. We're not worrying about
12:22
the future, we're not fretting about the past. We're right
12:24
there in the moment. So that happiness is there inside us.
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But somewhere along the line in the book, I call
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it the adulthood contract. We sign this adulthood contract and
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things start to go wrong. And I already see it
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with the kids. Like school doesn't teach us how to
12:39
be happy. I don't think many of our parents teach
12:42
us how to be happy. Society doesn't teach us how
12:45
to be happy. In fact, society probably teaches us the
12:48
wrong lessons about what happiness really is. And that's the
12:52
key message behind this book, Jay, is to help people
12:54
understand that happiness is a skill. Right. It's a skill
12:57
that you can practice. Just as if you go to
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the gym and you do bicep kills every day, you're
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going to have bigger biceps. Well, you know my concens is,
13:08
I feel like broken down the skill of happiness into
13:10
ten very easy steps of people, and if they practice
13:14
them a little bit, they're going to be a little
13:16
bit happier, and as they become happier, they're going to
13:20
become healthier as well.
13:21
Speaker 2: Absolutely, thank you so much for sharing that story as
13:24
well about your father, which really you know, encapsulate this
13:26
idea really well. I think for me, when I think
13:30
about what happiness means to me, happiness is the as
13:35
you said, ability, the ability to know how to navigate
13:40
uncomfortable and uncertain times, because when you know what you
13:46
have to do, it's more important than wanting to know
13:50
how things will end up. So we think our happiness is, well,
13:54
how will this end up, what will the result of
13:57
this be? Will that make me happy? And to me
14:00
actually go no, Actually, happiness to me is knowing what
14:03
to do right now in the moment and having that
14:06
sense of reflection and introspection and the stillness to be
14:11
able to carry that out because the search, as you said,
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for that billboard happiness that's out there, that's a projection again,
14:20
a societal projection. We're trying to invent and create that
14:25
in a world that doesn't allow for that every day
14:28
or at every moment. And so knowing what to do
14:31
in the moment. To me is where happiness begins, of
14:35
knowing how to behave, how to think, and what to do.
14:37
And that's what these ten habits do. You break down
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what you call core happiness as a three legged stool, contentment, alignment,
14:46
and control. I want to go through each of these
14:48
because they've formed the tenets of these these ten habits
14:52
or principles you give us. But let's start with contentment.
14:56
And you describe contentment here. I've got it in the book.
14:59
Feeling content means being at peace with your life and
15:03
your decisions. That's really hard because most of us, when
15:06
we look back, especially in the past, we think, Wow,
15:09
I've made a lot of bad decisions. I wish I
15:12
tried that thing. I wish I never went out with
15:15
that person. Well, I should have left that job a
15:19
lot earlier. So most of us actually have a very
15:21
negative view of our decision making process. Let's talk a
15:26
bit about decisions, especially decisions of the past that we regret.
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How do we create contentment around.
15:30
Speaker 1: Those, specifically around decisions in the past. If you know
15:36
we have a deep regret, let's say, or I wish
15:38
I'd done something differently. I think the first step is
15:42
to really try and get to a place of acceptance.
15:46
You were doing the best that you could at that
15:48
time with what you knew. Right, if you could have
15:51
done it differently, you would have. And you know, it
15:54
depends how deep you want to go with this, but
15:57
certainly for me, one of the things that's really helped
16:01
me with my happiness and my contentment in particular as
16:05
a real acceptance of every single thing that has ever
16:08
happened to me or I have done, whether it's something
16:11
I'm proud of, whether it's something I'm not proud of,
16:13
or it's something that actually I could make a case
16:16
that I'd made the wrong decision. Now, actually I made
16:20
the very best decision for my growth, because actually, if
16:22
I look back now and see that it was potentially
16:25
a negative, it's about reframing it to go, oh, what
16:30
did I learn from that?
16:32
Speaker 2: Right?
16:32
Speaker 1: What did I learn from that? Oh? I never would
16:36
have learned that had that not happened, had I not
16:38
gone to that job that I didn't like. You know,
16:41
I can think of one particularly in my minds. You know,
16:44
early on in my career as a dot SA, I
16:45
was like I worked in a practice that I hated
16:48
the framework and the structure there. Right. I would get frustrated.
16:51
I would come home and complain to my wife every day.
16:54
She kept saying, hey, babe, you know, if you don't
16:56
like it, why don't you leave? I can't leave, you know,
16:58
this is it pays us money, It does this, you
17:01
know story. I created this kind of almost like a
17:04
victim story around it, you know, And I know the
17:07
word victim can be very triggering for people, and I
17:09
don't mean it to be certainly you've talked about my
17:11
own experience. What I've learned, Jay, is that you can
17:16
always write a different story about any event in life.
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You've always got a choice in what story you put
17:25
onto something, and you can practice this and train it.
17:28
So one of my sort of tits of people is,
17:31
in any bit of friction you encounter in life, see
17:33
if you can choose a happiness story around it. And
17:37
there's a couple of ways that we can think about this. So,
17:40
you know, if we remember back to March twenty twenty,
17:42
when the whole world was sort of going into lockdown
17:45
and people were getting scared, there was lots of images
17:48
of supermarket shells being empty and there'd be no toilet
17:51
roll there. Right, So these are big headlines and the
17:54
amount of people who were like criticizing, I can't believe
17:56
there's who's doing this? You know, who's taking more? You
18:00
can tell yourself that story for sure, but you can
18:03
also see if you can write a different story around
18:06
the same situation. So, okay, what was going on there? Well?
18:09
Could it have been there? Every shop at that day
18:13
took one extra role and so by the end of
18:15
the day the supermarket shells are empty. Okay, that's possible.
18:19
Could it be that actually one person went in and yes,
18:22
they did buy loads and loads of packets because actually
18:25
they look after four elderly grandparents and actually they're really
18:30
worried about what's going to happen. Maybe it was someone
18:33
who actually went in and they wanted to buy as
18:36
much as they could and sell it on eBay. Okay,
18:38
how do you happen as story there? Ah? You know
18:41
what must be going on in their life. Maybe they
18:44
really don't have any money. Maybe they are so desperate
18:47
they don't feel they've got any opportunities in life, and
18:49
actually this is an opportunity for them that they've seen
18:51
to make a bit of money. You know what I've realized,
18:54
when it comes to most bits of friction in our life,
18:59
the truth actually doesn't matter jay for your happiness, the
19:03
truth doesn't matter. Write a happiness story that works for you.
19:07
And this is something I try my best. See. It's
19:09
probably the thing that's had the most impact on my
19:12
feeling of contentment is that every day if I get
19:16
a bit of social friction, Let's say someone leaves a
19:18
negative comment on my social media for example, right, instead
19:21
of wishing it was other than the way it was, Oh,
19:24
I can't believe they acted like that, it's like, ah, okay,
19:27
let me go through a process here. You know. Number one,
19:30
is there any truth to this? Okay, yeah, there's a
19:33
bit of truth here. I can learn here. I've been
19:35
given an opportunity to learn. If there's no truth here, well,
19:39
why is this bothering me? And it's like putting the
19:41
mirror up and instead of looking out there, it's like,
19:45
what is being triggered within me? Is it my insecurity?
19:48
Is it my need to be liked and loved? You
19:51
know what is it? Because then you start to take
19:53
control of the situation. Do you know what I mean?
19:56
It's I think it's I think it's you can rewrite
19:59
a st on anything. And i'd tell you when this
20:01
was really brought home to me. Jay, have you heard
20:04
it from Edith Eager? Yeah, I don't know if you've
20:07
interviewed either. If you haven't, you absolutely should. You would
20:09
absolutely love talking to her. But Edith came onto my
20:11
podcast last year. At the time she was ninety three
20:15
years old. I think about that conversation pretty much every
20:19
single day. It had such an impact on me. When
20:22
Edith was sixteen years old living in Eastern Europe, she
20:24
was getting ready that evening she was going to go
20:26
on a date with her boyfriend. There was a knock
20:29
on the door and before she knew, her and her
20:31
sister and her parents were on a train to Auschwitz.
20:35
She gets to Auschwitz. Within two hours of getting there,
20:37
her parents are murdered. She's there with a sister, she
20:41
doesn't know what's going on, what's happening. And then later
20:47
that day she had to dance, right, she had to
20:50
dance for some of the prison guards there. And the
20:53
last thing her mum said to her was, Edith, nobody
20:57
can take away from you what you put inside your mind.
21:00
So the first thing she told me was when I
21:01
was dancing, I wasn't dancing in Auschwitz. I was dancing
21:06
in Budapest opera house. I was dancing. There was a
21:09
full orchestra there, that the crowds were there, That's what
21:12
I was dancing. So that's the first lesson I learned
21:14
for her, that you can create a story in your mind.
21:18
And then she told me Dr Chaussey, when I was
21:21
in Auschwitz, I wasn't a prisoner. The prison guards were prisoners.
21:25
They weren't living their life. I was free in my mind.
21:29
And it just went on and on, And the words
21:32
I think about every day, Jay, are when she said
21:34
to me, wrong and listen. I have lived through Auschwitz.
21:41
But I can tell you the greatest prison is the
21:44
prison you create inside your own mind. And I thought, Okay,
21:50
if Edith Eager can write a different story about events,
21:56
a happiness story, if you will about events in the
22:00
hell of Auschwitz, that I'm pretty sure I can reframe
22:04
most of the small frictions in my own life. And
22:07
it's a it's it's been so powerful for me, Jay,
22:10
it really has. I mean, do you ever you know,
22:12
how do you deal with friction? Is that something you
22:14
try and apply in your own life or how do
22:16
you see it?
22:17
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean I just everything you just shared right now,
22:20
and I had come across edith EGA's story and I
22:24
didn't realize you interviewed her, which is which is fantastic
22:27
and so phenomenal to hear about your experience with her.
22:30
Everything you just said, I am fully aligned with. And
22:34
I don't think you could have picked a better example,
22:36
because to share it from someone who has been through
22:40
the worst of the worst of the worst, and for
22:43
that person to be able to create a reframe at
22:46
that time gives us all an opportunity to realize how
22:49
powerful it is. And so I am fully with you,
22:53
like fully aligned, fully in agreement with you, and in
22:57
my own small way in my life, I do this thing.
23:00
And I think when we look at our life as
23:04
a story as opposed to a checklist, or as opposed
23:11
to a hit list, or as opposed to a list
23:15
of goals, right, like, it's a very different approach. When
23:19
you see your life as a list of goals, and
23:22
if you don't reach them, you don't feel good about yourself.
23:25
You're missing the story. Right if you look at all
23:28
the people who've achieved goals that we admire. They all
23:32
got there because they lived a story. They didn't live
23:35
a goal, they didn't live a journey to a goal.
23:38
And so I do it all the time as well.
23:40
I'm constantly reframing my experience of life. And what you
23:45
said is so true that they're in one sense, there
23:48
is no truth in one sense to any of our
23:52
stories and journeys, because what is objectively the truth is
23:58
just a perception.
23:59
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, I think you're like this one, Jake,
24:01
because I know you're a football fan, or I should
24:03
say soccer fan, as I'm on your show. But they
24:07
did this study, right, They looked they were talking to
24:09
football fans, same incident. Right, everyone can see the incidents,
24:13
and they interviewed both sets of fans on different sides.
24:17
What happens, completely different version of reality over the same incident. Right.
24:24
Think about any I guess marriage or two partners right
24:29
when they have a disagreement. There are two versions of reality, right,
24:33
you know, it depends on which side of the table
24:35
you're sitting on determines your reality. And I've learned, actually,
24:40
and it sounds quite controversial, that for your happiness, I
24:44
think sometimes the truth doesn't matter. It's the spin you
24:47
put on it that you can put a spin on
24:49
it that's going to make you feel disempowered and a victim.
24:53
And look, I want to be respectful. I understand there
24:55
are some pretty horrendous things that happen in life to people.
25:00
I understand that, and sometimes it's harder than in other times.
25:03
But this is something you can get better at. You
25:05
can always put a new story on it. And what happens, then, Jay,
25:09
is that every day becomes a school day. Right, every
25:11
day you're being given, You're being gifted opportunities by the
25:15
world around you to learn something about yourself and a
25:19
tip maybe for your audience if they think, Okay, this
25:22
is quite difficult. Right, you know someone's done this and
25:26
I don't like it. Something that I found really helpful,
25:30
it's this idea that if I was that other person,
25:35
I'd be doing exactly the same. And what I mean
25:39
when I say that is if I'm with that other person,
25:44
with their childhood, with their childhood experiences, with their parents,
25:48
with the bullying they received at school, with the boss
25:51
that they had, if I were them, I would absolutely
25:55
be making the same decisions as them. Yes, I honestly
26:00
feel that if we don't think we would. You know,
26:02
I invite people to consider maybe it's not ego talking
26:05
because they made the decisions. That's their version of reality.
26:08
And I find that gives me this ability to be compassionate,
26:13
much more compassionate to every single person that I meets,
26:17
whether I agree with them or not. And Jay, look
26:20
at the state of the world at the moments right
26:22
it's seemingly pretty divided. Certainly online it seems pretty divided.
26:26
And I think this approach not only makes us feel better,
26:30
but I think when we can exercise this compassion to everyone,
26:35
even people we disagree with, I think that's what's going
26:38
to make the world a much much better and happier.
26:41
Speaker 2: Place, definitely. And you reminded me of that. I'm sure
26:45
you remember that famous Prince William meme where he's holding
26:48
up his fingers like this, and so he's actually saying,
26:52
I think he's like number three, And if you look
26:55
at it from the other angle, it looks like he's
26:57
putting his middle finger up. And it's like these two
27:00
pictures that are put next to each other, and one
27:02
of them looks like he's putting his middle finger up
27:04
to the press. But actually, when you see it from
27:06
another angle. He's putting three, and he obviously means something
27:10
else by that, and so I love that. When we're
27:12
talking about contentment, that makes a lot of sense. Let's
27:14
shift to alignment. I really like the way you define alignment.
27:17
You said, feeling aligned means that the person you want
27:21
to be and the person you are actually being out
27:25
there in the world are one and the same. And
27:28
I remember a very beautiful thought by Gandhi whenever I
27:31
think about alignment, and I believe he said that when
27:36
you experience peace and harmony when what you think, what
27:39
you say, and what you do are aligned. And whenever
27:43
I think about that or whenever I share that teaching,
27:46
I find that most people think something but say something else.
27:51
We say one thing, but then we do a completely
27:53
different thing. And so we're living in this very divided world,
27:57
even inside of ourselves, because it's completely disconnected. How do
28:02
we start creating a more aligned life because often we're
28:07
scared of saying what we think, and we're even more
28:10
scared of doing what we say, and then we're worried
28:14
about what everyone else thinks of all of that. So
28:16
alignment becomes a really big challenge walk us. Through that
28:19
for a bit.
28:20
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean the first thing to say, it's not
28:21
going to be super easy in the sense that it's
28:24
not something you can just listen to us having a
28:26
conversation and then immediately afterwards go, okay, cool, right now
28:29
I'm going to go and acts aligned in the world. Now,
28:31
this is a process. It's a very fun process, but
28:34
it's a process nonetheless. So you know, alignment this idea
28:38
that are inner values on our external actions are matching up,
28:42
whatever that is. And the reason I guess I'm so
28:46
passionate about this day is I've really this is something
28:50
like I've really struggled with pretty much my entire life.
28:52
I feel that what I'm really trying to do these
28:55
days is become more and more aliant and actually to
29:00
really tune into who I actually am, which sounds like
29:03
the easiest thing in the world to do, but actually
29:06
for many of us it's one of the hardest things
29:09
because since we were kids, we started to do things
29:12
to gain the approval of others. I know, for me,
29:15
for much of my life, I only felt that I
29:17
was worthy of love and acceptance if I achieved, if
29:23
I was successful, and I think for me, well, I know,
29:28
a lot of it comes down to my upbringing. And
29:31
you know, I love my parents to bits I think
29:33
they did. I'd like to think they did a pretty
29:35
good job with bringing me up, but there were some things. Again,
29:38
there's two versions of reality, right, I remember, and I
29:41
think there's something in the immigrant mentality here. I don't
29:44
know if this echoes your experience or not. But if
29:46
I came back from school with nineteen outs of twenty
29:50
and something, my mom would say, well, why didn't you
29:52
get twenty? If I came back with nineteen nine percent,
29:56
my mom would say, well, yeah, why didn't you get
29:57
one hundred percents? And I didn't I realize it at
30:00
the time, but I took on this perception that I'm
30:04
only loved and really seen and valued when I win
30:08
and get top marks. And that's very toxic because on
30:12
the outside, you can appear quite successful, you can appear
30:15
as though you're achieving and doing things, but on the inside,
30:19
you know there's nothing. There's a real deep insecurity. I've
30:23
had that for much of my life. I think, you know,
30:26
external success looks good, but on the inside, you know
30:29
you don't feel good, and so you go to what
30:31
I call these junk happiness habits, whether that be you know,
30:34
drinking or gambling or you know these days Instagram potentially
30:38
over using it and this sort of stuff. So for me,
30:41
the process of alignment started with recognizing why I behave
30:47
the way that I do, and it was a very
30:50
rewarding process. It's taking a bit of time, but this
30:53
is not one hit, Jay that people are going to
30:55
just think, oh, I need to do this, and now
30:56
I can. The first step in any change is awareness.
31:00
So even if someone's listening to this conversation and going, yeah,
31:04
you know what, I'm not living in aligned life, like
31:07
I'm not being the person out there who I really am. Okay,
31:12
that is progress. Okay, you may want more, but that
31:15
is a good start. At least now you know, and
31:18
then you can work on the next stage. So there's
31:21
many ways in which people can do this. I think
31:24
doing some sort of values exercise is really really helpful.
31:29
I know we spoke about this when you came on
31:31
my show. You've done a great job with this in
31:32
your own book, Jay of talking about values in Happy Mind,
31:36
Happy Life. There are some simple exercises to help people
31:39
understand what are your values? Can you choose three values
31:44
from this long list, and you know, maybe once a
31:47
week you reassess, you go, yeah, I think that is
31:51
that doesn't fit quite right. I'm going to tweak it right,
31:53
so you can keep tweaking until you really understand what
31:56
these values are. And then you can, you know, look
31:59
at your life, go how much of the time am
32:01
I living in accordance with these values? And it's so simple,
32:07
but just the act of writing it down and reassessing
32:11
is really really powerful. You start to make subtle shifts
32:14
when you do that. So I think that's an important
32:16
piece around alignment also, and I'm very very interested in
32:22
your thoughts on this as well, Jay, this whole idea
32:25
of core happiness, which has these three components. It's basically
32:30
I was trying to come up with a model for
32:32
happiness that actually people find genuinely practical and useful, not
32:38
like a lofty concept. But can I come up with
32:40
a model that holds true in every single situation? And
32:44
I think I cracked it with this model. Of course,
32:47
I welcome hearing where I may not have got it
32:49
quite right, but I really think that this encompasses this
32:54
deep sense of happiness. These three components, contentments, control and alignments.
33:00
And then I remember thinking what about meaning and purpose?
33:04
Because we keep hearing and of course you know your
33:07
show is called on Purpose. You talk a lot about purpose.
33:10
I thought, well, where does meaning and purpose fit in here?
33:13
Because a lot of people that you say say we
33:14
shouldn't be chasing happiness, we should be chasing meaning. I've
33:17
spent weeks trying to solve this, and the way I
33:21
came down on it, what I think underpins this altogether
33:26
is that meaning and purpose comes with alignment. So meaning
33:32
and purpose is important, right, It's a necessary ingredients for happiness.
33:40
But I don't think it's happiness in and off itself.
33:42
And the reason I say that is because let's say
33:45
that's could be you or me, for example, or it
33:46
could be someone listening. Let's say you have a job
33:49
that gives you meaning and purpose and you love it
33:52
and it is helping the world, it really nourishes you. Okay, great,
33:56
you've got meaning, but maybe you're working too hard, getting
34:00
back too late each night. Maybe you're not spending time
34:04
nourishing the important relationships in your life. Sure you've got meaning,
34:08
but you don't have core happiness. And then you could
34:11
take it to another extreme. Let's say in World War Two,
34:15
you might make the case that a soldier fighting against
34:18
the Nazis was living a meaningful life. But I'm not
34:23
necessarily sure you could say that they were happy. So
34:27
I'm all for meaning in purpose, but I think it
34:30
comes under the alignment leg off, the core happiness model,
34:33
the core happiness stool. And then I think it also
34:36
takes the pressure of people. Jay, I'm sure you get
34:39
messages like this, but people often say that, you know, yeah,
34:43
I want to find my I want to find my purpose,
34:45
but I don't know where to start, you know, what
34:47
is my purpose? And they see people online and think,
34:51
oh man, they've got their purpose. I don't you know.
34:54
Have you heard of the Japanese concept's a icky guy.
34:56
Speaker 2: Yes, it's beautiful.
34:57
Speaker 1: Yeah, it really is beautiful. And I remember in my
35:00
second book, The Stress Solution, I wrote about it, this
35:03
idea that ikey guys these four things, you know something,
35:06
you know, we should be looking to try and find
35:08
something that we're good at, that we enjoy doing, that
35:12
the world needs, and that also makes money. And I thought,
35:16
what a beautiful concept. I want some ikey guy in
35:19
my life. And I remember, Jay, I was giving a
35:22
talk in London, and I remember it so well because
35:25
at the end of the talk we were doing Q
35:28
and A, and you know, a young lady at the
35:31
back put her hand up and she said, Dot, I'm
35:34
an eighteen year old Japanese students living in London, and
35:38
I grew up with this concept of ikey guy, and frankly,
35:41
I found it demotivating and it really put me off.
35:44
It seemed like a too lofty bar for me to meet,
35:49
and that really hit me. Jay I thought, yeah, that's interesting.
35:53
These nice ideas for some people, they're very off putting.
35:57
I think that's what alignment and values can be, really,
36:00
because if you're struggling to find your meaning and purpose, right,
36:04
I would say, focus on your values. So let's say
36:07
you hate your job. Let's say you work in a
36:09
core center. You don't like it, but that pays you
36:12
money and it helps you feed your family and put
36:14
a roof over your heads. And you hear this stuffrom
36:17
that meaning and purpose, I say, okay, focus on values.
36:20
If one of your values is kindness, Let's say then
36:23
if you get up in the morning and you're kind
36:26
to your partner, you get a coffee on the way
36:29
to work and you're kind to the barista. You get
36:31
on the bus and you're kind to the bus driver,
36:34
and whilst you're at work you're kind to your work colleagues.
36:38
Then you're living a life of meaning that is a
36:41
meaningful life. You may not love your job at the moments,
36:44
but the more you act in alignment that meaning that
36:47
purpose is going to come as a byproduct. So like,
36:52
that's where I think meaning and purpose kind of fits
36:55
into this core happiness idea. I mean, did that make sense?
36:58
You know? Do you do you have any thoughts on that?
37:00
Do you agree? You know, I really welcome challenging this
37:03
still because I kind of think it holds true in
37:05
every situation. But you know what, let's know your view.
37:08
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, my honest take is I think that
37:13
a lot of these discussions can be explained just through
37:19
different terms in different language, used by different people, for
37:23
words that appeal in different ways. So there are certain
37:28
words that when you unpack them, I can see that
37:32
we're trying to say the same thing. But you may
37:36
use certain words that I don't use. And this is
37:38
exactly what you were saying before that If I don't
37:41
take the time to listen to understand and to take
37:48
a moment of stillness to say, well, let me understand
37:51
what Rangon's really trying to say. Even though we use
37:54
different words, we may actually find that we're trying to
37:57
say the same thing, Whereas if I simply look at
38:00
the words, I may say I disagree with you completely.
38:02
I think you're wrong, and I have another opinion. And
38:06
so I think we have to be so careful with
38:08
language because words mean so so many different things to
38:12
so many different people. And it's why I always say
38:15
to people that we need more faces and voices in
38:20
the world of health and wellness, or in any field
38:24
for that matter, because everyone needs to hear from a
38:27
diverse set of voices and faces. Everyone is not going
38:32
to connect to my language, and that's okay, and everyone's
38:35
not going to connect to your language, and that's okay.
38:38
Because there have been times where I've heard a piece
38:40
of wisdom one time, twice, three times, four times. I
38:44
hear it the ninth time from some random person. But
38:49
the way they said it, the penny dropped and it
38:51
hit me, like it just hit me, and I was like,
38:53
but I've been hearing that since I was a kid,
38:56
but hearing it from that person at that time and
38:58
that voice in that moment that had an impact on me.
39:02
And so I've become of the belief that I love
39:05
the word alignment. I think it's fantastic, And I would
39:09
say that an aligned life is a purposeful life. Agree,
39:12
and that you are spot on when you say that
39:15
if we can start living and practicing just one of
39:18
our values, that that will grow into a purposeful life.
39:22
Speaker 1: And so we're in alignment.
39:25
Speaker 2: We're in alignment. And I'm very content with the language
39:28
that you use is different to me, but that we
39:31
are of the same ethos and spirit in what we're
39:35
trying to share.
39:36
Speaker 1: But of course a language will be different because with
39:38
different people, right, we've had different experiences. You've gone off
39:42
to be a monk, you know. That's something that in
39:44
my head I think, well, wouldn't that be incredible to
39:46
go and do that, although I can't see that happening
39:49
anytime soon, especially being married and having two young kids
39:52
who need me. But you will be informed by your
39:56
life experience. I've been a medical dott for or you know,
40:00
nearly twenty one years now, seeing tens of thousands of patients.
40:04
My view to this topic of happiness is informed by
40:08
the tens of thousands of patients I've seen and their struggles. Right,
40:11
so we're gonna say it differently and you know, pulling
40:15
together alignment and what you asked me right at the start,
40:17
which is what are the you know, why is it
40:20
we struggle so much with happiness and this idea of happiness.
40:23
Another exercise that I think is really useful for people
40:27
that also helps them be more aligned. It's a two
40:30
part exercise, right. I love it and I don't know
40:34
if you want to try it on yourself. Actually, yeah,
40:36
should trying it? Okay, so the first yeah, let's do it.
40:39
Let's do it. The first part of the exercise is
40:41
write down or you can just tell me three things
40:45
that if you did them each week, would give you
40:48
a deep sense of happiness.
40:51
Speaker 2: Okay. Yeah, So I'm not gonna say stuff I already do,
40:54
so just just to clarify for everyone, because I already
40:56
meditate an exercise, I'm not going to include those because
40:59
they would be are huge ones for my happiness. I'd
41:02
say one of the biggest things is doing something fun
41:06
and playful with my wife. So whether that's going to
41:08
an escape room or whether that's going to an assault
41:12
course or like some sort of like fun outdoor activity
41:16
with my wife brings me a lot of happiness.
41:18
Speaker 1: So that's one of them, Okay.
41:20
Speaker 2: I'd say another one is spending time outdoors in nature
41:24
in the sun. I'm going on a hike on Saturday.
41:27
But that is something that I know if I did
41:29
more of i'd be that would increase my happiness. And
41:32
the third one would be spending even more time reading.
41:35
I love reading and making notes and learning, and I
41:38
do plenty of it, but I know I could always
41:40
do more, So those would be my three.
41:42
Speaker 1: Okay, so there's three things that. Okay, Now, the second
41:44
part of the exercise is called white You're Happy Ending.
41:46
So fast forward to the end of your life. Imagine
41:49
you're on your death beds looking back on your life.
41:53
What are three things you will want to have done?
41:56
Speaker 2: So then it comes to I would say, you know,
42:00
serving as many people as possible through the work that
42:03
I do right now, that's number one. The second one
42:08
would be to have felt that I was able to
42:12
purify my heart and my mind of ego, of envy,
42:19
of jealousy, of any impurities that lie in my mind
42:23
and heart. That would be my second one, and my
42:25
third one would be that I was able to express
42:33
compassion towards all the pain I saw and not create
42:37
more pain.
42:38
Speaker 1: I mean, that's lovely, so wonderful to hear. Now that
42:42
the next part is you go back now to your
42:45
first three answers, and the idea for people is, Okay,
42:50
if you do those three things that you've stated initially weekly,
42:53
will that get you to the happy ending that you
42:57
have already said that you want. And I've done it
43:00
with so many people, and you find it really useful
43:02
because you know, for example, you know you've already mentioned
43:05
you meditate and exercise, you want to do something fun
43:08
and playful with your wives, spend time outdoors and nature
43:10
and reading. Now, if you do those things, let's say,
43:13
those five things every week, does that get you to
43:18
that happy ending where you've served others, where you've purified
43:22
your mind of ego, and you've managed to practice compassion.
43:26
You know, do you see those things as aligned?
43:28
Speaker 2: Yeah? Definitely, I mean especially and now. And that's why
43:31
it's useful doing the activity with sometimes things that I
43:34
already do. Yes, I think that a lot of those
43:39
elements of like personal time for meditation and practice a
43:43
lot of the work around the reading and study that
43:46
I do, which is really powerful for cleansing the impurities
43:50
within the heart. And even that play is so integral
43:55
because that playfulness is what keeps it fun and exciting.
43:58
And so absolutely yes, there are lots of links in between.
44:02
Speaker 1: Many people when they do that exercise find that they're
44:05
not aligned at all. Like at the end of the life,
44:08
they say, yeah, I want to have spent time with
44:10
my friends and family. I want to have engaged in
44:13
passions that mean the world to me. They say all
44:16
kinds of things, and then you look at the three
44:19
happiness habits and they don't match up at all.
44:22
Speaker 2: It's a fantastic exercise. That is a brilliant exercise, And.
44:26
Speaker 1: It's not about making people feel bad. It's about bringing
44:30
awareness and then intention. Like if you say you value
44:33
your friends and family, yet you're too busy working, let's
44:37
say to find time for them. Okay, that's okay, but
44:41
you need to start making a small shift there because
44:43
you ain't going to get to that happy ending otherwise.
44:45
And so you know what I'm about, Jay, It's always
44:48
about how can I simplify a message, simplify an exercise
44:51
that people can actually do, reiterate and hopefully result on
44:55
them living I guess, a more intentional and a happier life.
44:59
Speaker 2: Wrong. The reason I love that activity and exercise like
45:02
it's brilliant by the way, it's It's absolutely fantastic. And
45:05
I think everyone on the everyone who's listening and watching
45:07
right now not only should go and get the book
45:09
because the book is full of lots more activities and
45:11
exercises like this one, but do this one with a
45:14
friend this weekend. Because what you've explained so beautifully, there
45:19
is the difference between circumstantial and existential happiness. And so
45:27
there are a lot of things we do every day
45:29
because circumstantially, situationally, they make us feel better. But the
45:36
existential core happiness, which as you describe as alignment, contentement,
45:40
and control, that can only be measured when you look
45:44
at the gravity of a moment like death. And when
45:48
you're doing that in this activity, that's what you're putting
45:51
it under a microscope and going, well, how is this
45:54
affecting your existence as opposed to your circumstance? Right? And
45:59
that is, of itself is a really fascinating way of thinking.
46:02
And I know that I don't do that activity. But
46:06
I think about those questions very often, and for me
46:09
for so long, I always ask myself that I'll sit
46:12
there and I'll go, how is this going to make
46:14
me feel when I'm dying? Will I regret doing this
46:17
or not doing this? And everything that I'm doing on
46:21
a daily basis, and the commitments I make and the
46:23
priorities I make are all dedicated to that purpose that
46:27
I've committed to, because I know that that's what brings
46:29
me joy. And there are a lot of sacrifices with that,
46:32
and there are a lot of things that you forego
46:34
for that. But I realize that health was so integral
46:38
to your purpose, no matter what it is, that that's
46:41
something you can't sacrifice in the pursuit of any alignment
46:45
or contentment you chase, because if you're not healthy, then
46:47
all of it falls apart. So, you know, I really
46:50
love that activity and I'm so grateful you put that
46:52
and many others in the book.
46:54
Speaker 1: Yeah. Thanks, And you know it's something that I use myself.
46:57
You know, I'm keen to. I don't want people to
47:01
feel that I haven't got it yet. I'm not there yet,
47:05
you know, I'm not aligned. That's okay, right, that is
47:07
absolutely okay. I would guess by anyone who's listening to
47:11
your podcast, Jay, I guess naturally would feel drawn to
47:14
this sort of content anyway. They're wanting to live a
47:16
more intentional and more purposeful life, right, So they're already
47:20
that way in cline. And it's not this thing, like
47:22
I said, it's not this destination that you get to.
47:26
It's a constant process of tweaking and then society life
47:29
will pull you away. You know, I definitely have times
47:32
where I work too hard and I'm not as present
47:36
as I might want to be. Right, you know, just
47:38
because I know what I should be doing, it doesn't
47:42
mean I'm not human and I'm not susceptible to the
47:44
same mistakes that many of us make. Jay, I've never
47:48
felt this calm and good and at peace with myself
47:55
and my life. Like when I last spoke to you
47:57
a few years ago in La you know about the
48:00
Stress Solution book. I was a different person, like I
48:05
really was. It was a different version of me. I'm
48:08
just a lot more content these days. I've done a
48:11
lot of work to ridden myself off ego and the
48:15
need for external validation. I've also really let go off
48:19
this idea that I need to be right. I think
48:22
for much of my life I define myself are you right?
48:25
Are you winning? And letting go of that it's just
48:28
made me happier. Like I'm no longer attached to being right.
48:32
I'm attached to learning. I won't even call it attached.
48:36
I'm committed to learning right every day. Any friction that
48:40
comes in my life, anyone that sends me a rude email,
48:43
it's all an opportunity for me to go in. But
48:46
I go what can I learn here? What can I
48:48
learn about myself? How can I be compassionate about that
48:51
other person? And it keeps life fun and interesting? Right?
48:55
It really doesn't. Yes, I feel calmra and content, But
48:59
all kinds of on nickels and things that you know
49:02
I used to get, they're just sort of going because
49:04
there's less emotional tension in my body.
49:08
Speaker 2: I love that wrong and that's and by the way,
49:10
on a personal level, that's just really beautiful to hear.
49:13
I mean, you know, I think hearing that that's the
49:15
journey you've been on in the last few years, and
49:17
that's what's brought this book about. Is really beautiful, and
49:20
I want everyone to know. You know, we described the
49:22
surface today. But rung And goes on to talk about
49:26
a ton of great habits in this book, eliminating change,
49:29
treating yourself with respect, making time stand still, seeking out friction,
49:34
talking to strangers, treat your phone like a person, having
49:38
maskless conversations, which I love the sound of that. One,
49:41
go on holiday every day, give yourself away. These are beautiful,
49:45
beautiful breakdowns in each and every chapter, with exercises, with
49:49
things to reflect on and think about. And rung And,
49:52
I want to congratulate you on writing this beautiful book,
49:54
Happy Mind, Happy Life. Ten simple ways to feel great
49:58
every day. I want to ask you your final five,
50:00
which are our rapid fire fast five round. So these
50:05
questions have to be answered in one word to one sentence. Maximum,
50:10
Let's go.
50:11
Speaker 1: Are you ready? I'm ready, feeling trying to maintain that
50:14
level of calm and contentment whilst I whilst I get ready?
50:17
Speaker 2: All right, great, all right, here we go. So here
50:19
your final five. Question Number one, what's the best happiness
50:23
advice you've ever received, heard, or given?
50:27
Speaker 1: Spend time with friends and family.
50:29
Speaker 2: Second question, what is the worst piece of happiness advice
50:33
you've ever received, heard, or given.
50:35
Speaker 1: Do what makes you feel good in the moment?
50:40
Speaker 2: Fascinating? All right? Question number three. What is something that
50:43
you used to value that you don't value anymore?
50:47
Speaker 1: An attachment to being white?
50:49
Speaker 2: Question number four, what is the kindest thing someone has
50:52
done for you recently?
50:54
Speaker 1: Just my daughter coming back from school giving me a
50:57
big hug, big smile, saying I love you, daddy. I
51:00
don't think anything makes me feel as good as that,
51:02
And that was super kind. I love that.
51:05
Speaker 2: I love that, all right. Question number five. If you
51:07
could create one habit that everyone had to do every
51:11
single day in the world, what would.
51:13
Speaker 1: That habit be, no question, A daily practice of solitudes
51:18
beautiful everyone.
51:20
Speaker 2: That is Doctor rung and Shadowy. The book is called
51:22
Happy Mind, Happy Life. It is out now. When you
51:26
hear this podcast, make sure you go and grab your copy.
51:30
Speaker 1: Rungon.
51:30
Speaker 2: It has been a joy talking to you. I look
51:32
forward to being in person with you again. I congratulate
51:34
you on all the self work you've done internally it
51:37
sounds like, but also the amazing work you're putting out
51:39
there into the world. And I appreciate you, man, and
51:42
I'm so glad that we finally got to do this
51:44
and get together again. So thank you for your time
51:47
and thank you for your energy. If you're watching or listening,
51:50
make sure you tag me and Rungon on Instagram, on Twitter,
51:53
on Facebook, any platform you're using. We love to see
51:56
what you're learning, what you're taking away. There were so
51:59
many great pieces of wisdom, nuggets of advice and insight
52:02
today and I want to make sure that we see
52:05
those so we know what you're taking away. Thank you
52:08
so much for listening to on Purpose. I'll see you
52:10
again next time. If you want even more videos just
52:13
like this one, make sure you subscribe and click on
52:15
the boxes over here. I'm also excited to let you
52:18
know that you can now get my book, Think Like
52:21
a Monk from Thinklike a monkbook dot Com. Check below
52:25
in the description to make sure you order today.