Transcript

Chelsey · Recovery Chronicles

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Welcome to the Recovery Chronicles, where we dive deep into the inspiring journeys of
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individuals who have triumphed over adversity and found healing and resilience on the path to
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recovery from drugs and alcohol. We'll sit down with people who have embrace changed
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and emerge stronger than ever. Get ready to be uplifted, motivated, and
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empowered as we embark on a journey of healing, growth, and possibilities.
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Welcome back to Recovery Chronicles. Today, we have the beautiful and amazing Chelsea,
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So thank you for coming today. Yeah, thanks for having me.
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So let's start out with what is your drug of choice and how long have
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you been sober? My drug of choice was mess at one point. I
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mean it was essentially pretty much anything I could put in a needle. And
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I've been clean. I just celebrated my eight year. Wow, quite the
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accomplishment. So start us off with where did your using start? How'd it
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begin? I honestly think in hindsight, it started long before I ever used
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the substances. I guess you could say I have pretty significant childhood trauma,
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just the turbulent parent child dynamic growing up. Did your parents use. My
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stepdad, which was the only father figure in my life at the time,
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was actively drinking and he you know, was kind of mean when he was
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drinking. And okay, we were in his biologs, the three of us
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were in his biolog biological children, so he you know, brought that up
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a lot. Okay, I would say probably on almost a daily basis.
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And I was the fat kid, and so that was always the topic of
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conversation too. Sure. I remember stealing frozen loaves of bread out of the
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freezer, you know, to unthought e because I didn't want to eat with
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them at the table, that type of thing, like it was pretty significant,
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yeah, for sure. So yeah, going back to so a lot
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of that contributed to the using. And then how old were you when you
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started using, uh first time? I would say probably sixteen. Started off
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using anything I could pretty much steal, which was like drama, meine,
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robotust, you know, all that over the counter stuff, smoking weed,
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underage drinking. That's kind of where it all started until I was introduced to
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you know, painkillers and things like that. So what do you feel like
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was the appeal for you at sixteen? Like were your friends doing it?
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Or was it to cover some of that pain? That's good? Where were
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you at at that point? You know what, I don't think anybody's ever
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asked me that, nor have I I don't even know if I'd even thought
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about, well here we go. Yeah, oh boy, I you know
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what I think? Well, the first time I reased like something hard was
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with my older sister, and I think, yeah, pure influence was definitely
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a huge factor. And then the you know, abusing in or abusing a
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substance and then realizing, hey, I don't feel anymore or you know what
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I mean, like I am, Yeah, I feel better, you know,
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I don't feel this existential pain. I think that's yeah. They kind
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of go hand in hand absolutely. So when did it increase? When did
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it get crazy? When I was eighteen? Okay, I hit the ground
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run and started shooting up fentanyl gel patches. Oh wow, Okay, where
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did it go from there? Like? What I guess? What were some
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of the consequences that resulted from the using? And how long did you use?
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So I have been in prison four times. I did three years total.
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I've had countless jail stays. I can't even tell you how many times
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I sat in jail treatments. My very first boyfriend ever, the one that
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I started, you know, using IV with Uh, he was doing it
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before me. Anyways, UH saw him overdose and I they did revive him,
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but I saw it happen. And that is a terrifying thing. Absolutely
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just self destruction, you know, in all aspects. I was no one
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was gonna hurt me worse than me. And you know, there was the
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self mutilation, but it that also came in many forms. You know,
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I've I've stolen from my mom. I I didn't care. I didn't know,
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you know, I knew no bounds. So just no sense of preservation
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and whatsoever. How old are you the first time you went to prison?
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Nineteen and for what? Uh? Drug paraphernalia? Uh it would have been
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needles. Okay. So I have three felonies, all of which are paraphernalia
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okay of fetanol or methamphetamine. Uh this you know what it would be myth
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Yeah, for all of them. Yet so two needle needles on a scale
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that had meth residue on it. Okay, So did you switch from fetanel
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to meth use or were you using both simultaneously? So that boyfriend I mentioned
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he wouldn't let me do math. He said it, you know, changed
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women in a sense that I'm not gonna mention. But sure. So I
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was doing, you know, the opiates, and then after I saw the
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overdose and I went through fentanyl withdrawals in jail, I was literally scared,
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yeah, to do opiates after that. So then, yeah, it was
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it was myth. So that's when that transition happened. Okay, got it
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nineteen and in prison tell us about that? Oh boy, well, you
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know they say anger is a secondary emotion, right, but that was pretty
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much all I knew for a long time. I was very just angery in
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general. I would fight anybody. You know, all these scars and you
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know, my front tooth is actually broken in half. I have a cap
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on it. Yeah, I would, you know, just angry. Had
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a really crappy attitude while I was there. I mean, I got along
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just fine, I suppose, But I mean there's a reason I kept going
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back. You know, sure they didn't learn from my mistakes. How long
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were you in the first time? Not very long at all. I sat
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in I want to say I sat in jail longer before, longer than I
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did in prison. When I got sent to prison, if that made sense.
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Sure, I don't know if I worded that. Weird. You were
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in prison longer than your initial sentence, Well, technically, yeah, that
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too. Okay, I was initially sentenced eighteen months. But I kept going,
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you know, because you're getting any charges, well that too, and
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just they'd let me out on probation and I'd tell them, don't you know,
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I had a very negative outlook on law enforcement so to speak, you
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know, and I always you know, not going to have some pseudo cop
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or you know, was my mentality? Tell me what to do with my
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life. No one's gonna tell me what, right, Yeah, it's a
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typical nineteen year old, Oh for sure. Yeah. I just wanted to
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get high to you know, so go on the run right away. And
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they'd always find me at my mom's. Okay, they knew me back then.
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You know. It's not funny in hindsight, it's just craziness, yes,
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and craziness of it. Yeah. Oh yeah, Like, how did
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I think I was getting away with anything? Right? Well? You were.
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Again, nineteen year olds think they know everything. So technically your three
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stints in prison were due to you revoking your probation, going on the run,
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using okay, getting new charges. So in total, how much time
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in prison did you spend? Three years? Okay, but it was in
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broken seven to four segments. Sure, So do you feel like you became
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a better criminal in prison? Yes? Networking for one, I got,
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you know, I'd come out knowing people in different towns, so it didn't
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matter where I roamed, you know, I always knew where to find something.
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And in my case, this is you know, I can't say I've
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ever sold my body for drugs, but I've done worse things jumping people,
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using drug dealers, making them think, you know, they're gonna get what
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they want, and then some of my bodies roll up and kick in their
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door and we rob them things like that, you know. So yeah,
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to answer your question, unfortunately, yes, it did. In a lot
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of it almost made it worse. Yeah. So how old are you when
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you got out of prison? The last stint? Oh? Boy, so
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I actually got kicked out of drug court. I did something super awful out
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an employer to an employer. They were the sweetest older couple, and this
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is something I would love to see them again, just so I could formally
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apologize. But I sold from the cash register, didn't spend any money.
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I emptied the cash register. Sure, they found out I was in drug
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court, you know. So they found out whatever, and I ended up
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giving it all back, but that's not the point. I still did it,
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you know, and they were really good to me. So I got
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kicked out of drug court. They sent me back. I was awful.
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I was in and out of the hole. I don't remember when that was.
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Oh no, yes I do. I'm axed October twenty second, twenty
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fourteen. Okay, So you're how old at this? Safe? Like,
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well, I'm I'm thirty three now, so and what was that ten years
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ago? That's crazy to think it is? It is? So I were
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about twenty three yep. Okay, so you're still January a child really for
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sure? So then what happened from there? Oh you're you no probation or
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anything? No, okay, yep. I immediately relapsed. Okay. I
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met my son's biological father, okay, and a whole other morbid chapter of
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my life began. Yeah. So, I mean I got the best thing
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that ever happened. Okay, buck up. I don't want to speak negatively
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about him, because, like I said, he did give me, you
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know, the best thing that ever happened to me. And he is also
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an addict. He's currently sitting in to a prison. But I didn't realize
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it until long after we broke up that he is indeed a narcissist. So
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there was a lot of that, the narcissistic grooming and abuse, you know,
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the whole time we were together, fistfighting, when I was pregnant.
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And I'm not saying I was innocent. You know, I had explosive anger
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problems right up until you know, seeing my child and you know, motherhood
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totally chilled me out. But real bad. I mean, we would rob
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drug dealers and steal from stores and we've got arrested together because you know,
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he was going to go through opiate withdrawals, so I went to a store
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with him to steal and I had a bad feeling and we ended up getting
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caught just like to steal items for money for drugs or to actually steal like
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prescriptions, oh no, odds. Just so he had a drug dealer that
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we you know, we could steal just items, colonnes perfuge just yea and
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crap yeah and trap yep. I've heard that I walked out of Walmart with
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a vacuum when I was seven months pregnant, and I was clean at that
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time, but I didn't want him to get sick. I mean, even
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while I was that pregnant, I would actively try to help keep him high
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because otherwise, you know, it was fighting and things were awful. So
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I basically was doing it, you know, to maintain the peace. Right
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for sure? Were you using meth ivy daily? Yes? Okay, yep.
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How old are you when you got pregnant? I was would have been
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twenty five, Okay, so two years after you get out of prison,
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you get into this tumultuous relationship, you get pregnant. Done what So you're
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sober during your pregnancy. No, I was not clean the whole time,
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ampeatedly, So I didn't know I was pregnant right off the bat. Every
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time I would get high, you know, I would get like violently,
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and you know, as a woman who's using, you know your body is
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out of whack anyway. So yeah, and then I had a feeling,
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you know, I got Highlinday and like I was thinking of my I remember
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it exactly in my head. I just had a feeling like, oh,
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I'm pregnant. So we went up north and he went into best Buy to
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steal, and I went into a Dollar Tree and stole a pregnancy test,
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and sure as heck, you know, turned out I was pregnant. Now
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my son is his fifth child, So yeah, I didn't know that right
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away, but yeah I did not. I kept using for a while after,
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and then one day I was just done and I haven't touched it since.
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So wow. Yeah, so your sobriety date was while you were pregnant
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with your son. Yes, okay, what do you think flipped the switch?
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What changed? It was totally spiritual. I would say that I'm a
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person who struggles with religion. I don't know if it's that's a whole nother
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thing in itself, but something spiritual clicked inside of me that I just knew
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I wanted that beautiful little soul more than I wanted what I had been doing
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for years. You know, I was in active addiction for nine years.
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I think it was nine almost ten years, and I just I think I
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was just done. You know, so much had already happened, and best
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thing I ever did, it's gonna make me cry. I was just gonna
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say, girl, gave me the chills thinking about, Oh yeah, children
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do something totally saved my life. And he knows it, you know,
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I've he's seven now, Aga probably told him that. You know, he
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knows that mommy needs to do drugs. Does he fully understand what the means?
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No, And once he gets old enough, all educate him on all
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that stuff. But he knows. How long were you in that relationship after
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son was born, so he would have been almost eighteen months old, So
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we were together almost a total of three years, and he did have a
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length of clean time while he was in drug court. And then you know,
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later I find out I had a feeling that he had relapsed before we
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even broke up, and turns out that was true. Tried to do the
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successful co parenting thing, all that stuff. But yeah, so a little
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over a year I guess, or yeah, about a year and a half,
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so you found out he was using, you broke up with them.
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No, it was just I think the PTSD, the emotional PTSD and being
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told I'm fat every day and ugly, you know, just all the demeaning,
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deprecating things that I just I couldn't do it anymore. He didn't put
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his hands on me, but that verbal and emotional abuse. Yeah, I
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mean I've actively I even now, you know, actively have to use cognitive
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interventions to remind myself, you know, like I'm not these things. Yeah,
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absolutely, like trigger it. Someone will say something and I catch myself
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wanting to get defensive and I have to remind myself that No, you know,
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it's to explained. But do you feel like potentially codependency is more prominent
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than the substance use for you personally? Oh? Yeah, and that probably
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stems from the stepdad, the childhood stuff. Do you feel like there were
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points where you were almost manifesting the relationship with your stepdad and your significant other
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relationships? Yeah? Oh yeah, I think so. Yeah, how did
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you break that cycle? That's a good question. You didn't let me be
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prepared for this. We're just winging it, you know. Yeah, we're
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doing good. This is great. These are awesome questions. How did I
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break the cycle? I think I'm actively, I actively, you know,
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so there's certain things I have to remind myself of every day because I'm trying
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to not only break the cycle within me, but you know, with my
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son, he comes from a long line of addicts. Just emotional intelligence,
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I think is a huge one. Being aware of what you're feeling and then
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bringing yourself back to where like like what made me feel this way? And
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then dissecting the heck out of it, like absolutely, why did I feel
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this? What was it about what somebody said, for instance, that made
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me feel this way? Well? What can I do? You know to
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do the right thing? Essentially, what's gonna be best for me and everybody
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else you know in this situation? Yeah? How long did it? How
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long before you got into another relationship after like a committed, like a healthy,
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committed relationship. Yeah, my current boyfriend that I've been with for almost
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five years, so let's see, I'm not even sure what you're my son's
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and I broke up. I want to say, maybe he was like close
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to twenty sixth, seventeen seventeen, so about two years. Yeah, Yeah,
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what kind of healing did you do in that two years? You feel
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like, also, you're a fresh mom, which is accine in itself.
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Oh for sure, I think I just immersed myself in mothering. I don't
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know that I even and this is just the truth. I don't think I
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started to heal from like the toxic codependency aspect until I got with my current
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boyfriend, and he has helped me so much in ways that I don't think
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he understands. You know. Good for you, for sure, that's awesome.
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So what if you were to describe your recovery, what does that look
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like for you? Lots of tears? Yeah, good, good and bad?
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Yeah? What does my recovery look like? Huh? Well, I
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don't being a mother. I don't completely changed my life. I mean I
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needed him and I you know, you'll hear like you have to be enough
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for yourself. Well, I never was enough. You know, I wanted
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to die. I've tried killing myself before. You know, I have this
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gnarly scar on my just I was never enough. Yeah, so I needed
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my son until I learned to love myself and realize like, hey, I
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need to heal because this isn't working. Mm hmm. You know yeah,
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just like completely submersed yourself in motherhood and I get that and I can relate
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to that too. You know, my son is five years old, and
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I feel like there's a lot that I'm not willing to put up with after
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I had him, because it's almost like I kind of identified my worth in
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a sense. It's a good way to put it. Yeah, So you
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work for a Heartview Foundation. How'd that start? Tell us how you got
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into that? I just celebrated my four year there. Actually, So I
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started off as a residential technician. How did I even get into that?
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I don't even remember fully. I remember I saw Scott Foley one day.
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I was working at a gas station. He slid his card to me across
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the table. I called him, had an interview, and you know,
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here we are. So. Yeah, I started off as a residential tech.
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Loved doing that. I loved the patient experience, you know. I
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wanted to be a part of that. An opportunity arose about a year and
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a half after being with Hertview in our intaken admissions department, and I applied
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and got hired. To know, I've been doing that for a little over
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two years. Cool. Yeah, oh I love it. Yeah. Good.
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So taking it back just a little bit, did you do treatment?
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Did you ever go through treatment? I did. I did treatment four times.
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I've been to Tompkins twice. I'm not sure if you're familiar. You
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probably are, Yeah, through the prison. Yeah, you went to Tompkins
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and of course I did great. You know, I was institutionalized, but
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it was never enough. You know, I knew what to say, I
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knew you know, how to talk the talk, walk the walk. But
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I think deep down and in hindsight, I realized I was never I didn't
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care. You know, I wasn't astorbing. You never had the mindset of
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sobriety. Correct. Yeah, I wasn't ready. So your last treatment was
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at Tompkins while you were in prison, I think so. Either that or
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it was through West Central when they were I don't think they're even having I
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don't think they even have day treatment services anymore. No, that ages me
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me too, So your last treatment, So it's not even a you're a
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Heartview alumni. It just happens stance that someone who worked at Heartview, the
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beautiful Scott Yeah, threw you a card and the rest is history. Yep.
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Wow, that's awesome. So I believe you're involved in some other amazing
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endeavors in going to school and uh working to become an addiction counselor. So
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tell us what that process has looked like for you. So Heartview, you
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know, has done a lot for me in the career since obviously, you
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know, and in my recovery as well. It's helped me a lot.
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But I've also been inspired, you know, by staff that work there,
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seeing you know, they're what they're doing and the impact they're having. And
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I thought, you know what, I've been there. I guess maybe you
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know, I've always wanted to go to college. I didn't graduate high school.
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I ended up dropping out. I got my GD and I just but
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I always did very well academically. So when did you start school? January
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twenty twenty three. Okay, so I'm almost done with my I'll graduate May
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twenty twenty five with my associates, and then I'll transfer for my actual So
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right now, you're going for like your generals correct, Yeah, okay,
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and then you're wearing it, by the way, yes you are. Girl's
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a four point oh yeah, four point oh. That's very impressive, especially
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being a parent and working full time, you know, I mean, so
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kudos to you. That's not easy at all. It's also not easy being
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the thirty seven year old with a bunch of eighteen year olds. You know.
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There's that I was basically there too, and it felt really uncomfortable,
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awkward. It's a little awkward. I'm just like, right, I feel
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Yeah, they were talking about their parties on the weekends, and I was
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like, well, I'm gonna pay my mortgage. You know. Do you
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guys like to read? Yeah? What time do you go to bed?
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Right? For sure? So then once you're done with your generals, you
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will transfer to where might not stay online? Cool awesome, But I don't
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want to stop at my LAC. I really eventually would like to do,
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you know, like more one on one, more intensive mental health. Sure.
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I'm actually my main academic journey is inspired by someone who no longer works
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at hartpuw By. She did what I want to do, like clinical counseling
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essentially, so and I'll get there, you know. I'm just reminding myself,
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no rush, yep. I may be thirty three years old, but
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there's time. Absolutely, it's never too late. There's also people in their
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forties, fifties, sixties going back to school, you know. So,
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yeah, you definitely got this. And I think you have a hard work
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ethic and drive. You know, what do you think it is about yourself
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that is driving you to do more of the mental health stuff. I struggled
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with my mental health for years. I still do. I you know,
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used to have much more debilitating anxiety, but you know, thankfully putting in
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self work. I suppose you know it's it has improved dramatically. I think
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just being in those shoes and being in these dark places before, you know,
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it's not it's not even that I can relate to people. I think
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that'll help too, absolutely, but it's I want people. I want to
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help people understand, like, you know, help get to the bottom of
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it and be a safe space. That's the biggest thing, because I know
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what it feels like. You feel very alone, you know, in the
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dark places and right So have you been in therapy? I went to therapy
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after I had my son. I had postperum depression pretty aggressively. But what
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I learned was, you know, being fresh off drugs after using for so
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long, plus all the pregnancy hormones, all this stuff, it hit me
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pretty hard. So at that time I did do therapy. Other than that,
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no, I haven't, okay, like just individual one on one therapy
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or E M d R therapy, trauma therapy. I believe it was just
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individual therapy. Okay, how'd that help? She? The woman I saw,
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I think she literally saved my life all over again. She was amazing.
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It helped me a lot. Yeah, pus, Like I wasn't sleeping
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and you know, I didn't want to do the medications because I was breastfeeding,
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and you know, so it therapy saved my life. And I would
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recommend it to anybody honestly, absolute. Yeah. It's just it's a good
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place to go in and have a professional source and like I said, safe
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space to just get that stuff out, you know. Definitely, So anyone
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who might be listening, who is currently struggling, and what's one thing you
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would tell them. The first thing that popped into my head is you're not
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alone, even if you feel like it, and it is okay to ask
25:38
for help. Don't be embarrassed. You know, there's a lot of people
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who even if they haven't been through it, you know, even if they
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aren't an addict themselves, you know, they are in the field to help,
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you know, and understand and get help choose the heel. Yeah,
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that's the biggest thing, you know, you have You have to want it
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for yourself otherwise it's not gonna work. That's a big thing too. Yeah,
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if you were to tell nineteen year old Chelsea anything, What would you
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say? I would, first of all smack the crab, same thing that
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that you're worth it for sure, like you you need to get better,
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you know, all that, all that stuff that happened to you. I
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think I would more so try and connect to my inner child, you know,
26:34
because I think that's what's been hurting all along. Yeah, try and
26:38
have those conversations with the nineteen year old Chelsea because she was. It's funny
26:47
someone I encountered I knew their son a long time ago, and he knew
26:52
the broken crazy for lack of better words, Chelsea And having a conversation with
26:59
this person, and in you know, they mentioned that the sun they were
27:03
having I got brought up in conversation, I guess, and the sun made
27:06
a comment that that crazy never goes away, and I, you know,
27:10
I want I've thought about it a lot over the past couple of days,
27:12
and then I started to get upset, and I'm like, that's insane,
27:15
because it does. You know. I'm a mother now, for one,
27:22
and like you, I'm healed. I suppose it doesn't go away if you
27:26
choose not to heal. It just was interesting to hear this that there is
27:30
a version of me that you know, lives in somebody's mind, right that
27:36
I'm not that person anymore, you know, And I think that's a big
27:37
part. I'm looking at that whole situation as that's where I'm at my recovery
27:42
today, as I need to learn to let that go because that's bugging me.
27:47
Yeah. So I guess that's an example too of there's certain things that
27:51
you know, I maybe eight years clean, but I still got work to
27:53
do, you know, in some ways. And I think that's just life,
27:57
you know, like wherever I've all be and hopefully forever getting better and
28:02
hopefully growing as people, and yeah, recognizing where those things are bothering us.
28:10
But if the world were to believe that the crazy never goes away,
28:15
no one would ever change, and no one would ever get better, and
28:18
people like us wouldn't be in the world to support to people who are capable
28:22
of the change, which is everyone's rightful. Yeah, beautiful, So yeah,
28:30
well, thank you and remember that you are a beautiful, wonderful person.
28:34
Thank you, and I'm glad you're in my life. So thank you.