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Creating Human Connection in Uncertain Times with Pete Bombaci · Authentic Living

• 0:01
  Welcome to authentic living with Roxanne, a place where we have as conversations about
• 0:08
  things that really matter in our lives.
• 0:11
  And now here's your host, Roxanne Derhodge.
• 0:36
  Hi, everyone.
• 0:37
  It's Zach Roxanne Derhodge of the authentic, connection movement.
• 0:40
  And today, on authentic living, we have Peter Balmassy.
• 0:43
  And it's my pleasure to talk to someone that's doing things in the world that even more so in
• 0:49
  this time, we are needing.
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  And I think it's forcing us to talk about things that I adhere to my heart.
• 0:56
  So, Pete, thanks so much for taking the time to come on and and spend some time with myself and
• 1:01
  and, my following.
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  Roxanne.
• 1:04
  Great to be here.
• 1:05
  Honestly, just listening to your introduction.
• 1:08
  I know it's gonna be a great conversation.
• 1:10
  Awesome.
• 1:11
  So let me tell you a little bit about Pete and, what he's done.
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  He is in the field of human connection, which is you know, it's it's so gratifying to hear
• 1:23
  that, you know, there's people out there other than people like myself that are on in the
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  field of psychology and psychotherapy, and he's founder of the Genwell project.
• 1:33
  And it's dedicating to making the place, the world a better place.
• 1:37
  And I also say that 2020 has brought so many things, but if anything, my hope is that has
• 1:42
  brought us, together a little bit more, Globally, to to understand what's needed for
• 1:49
  connection in the world.
• 1:50
  What's, important that you know, with Pete is that he was, he led the November men's health,
• 1:58
  project between 2010 2015 where, he brought awareness, based on a man's health, and they
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  earned about $142,000,000 into quite quite impressive.
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  Nobody around does not know about November.
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  So what what an amazing thing.
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  Right?
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  So pizza, I'm just gonna ask you, like, I decided when I was eleven years old based on
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  some things that were pretty uncertain in my life, back in the Caribbean that I I knew that
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  I needed support when things were rough, a little bit rough at home with my parents, and
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  there was nobody to talk to that I wanted to make a difference.
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  And that's kind of where my whole concept of helping gut gut birth.
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  Yourself, tell me what gets you to the point where you develop an organization like you have
• 2:48
  today.
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  To start wherever you'd like.
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  Alright, Roxanne.
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  It's such a big question, and, I'll do what I can to to answer to sinkly as possible.
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  But I would say this.
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  I spent 20 years, in the corporate space.
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  Most of it in the beverage alcohol industry, which I had an amazing time, but what I also
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  recognized is that along with, growing up, I'll say.
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  So, you know, even in high school, I had this concept for a a a blog that I wanna write
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  called the race where I feel like in high school, I was told you start the race now, and
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  that race means that every day your goal is to get more more status, more stuff, more money,
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  more everything, and at the end of 20 years in the beverage alcohol industry, I had an
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  opportunity, to to work for November and it it was literally I've always, donated my time and
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  supported things and so I was growing a mustache and raising the awareness for men's
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  health and had the opportunity to meet the CEO.
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  And when I left Molson where I worked in the beer industry, he actually said, would you be
• 3:52
  interested in coming over and running November.
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  At the time, I hadn't even thought of being in the charity space.
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  I hadn't thought about certainly selling mustaches for a living and certainly men's
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  health which was obviously relevant because I'm a a guy but that experience is spending 5 years
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  waking up every day and understanding the impact that you can have on other people.
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  And more importantly, I call this the dirty little secret, how great it makes you feel when
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  you help other people was the awakening that I needed to, hey, I need to do good in the world.
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  And hopefully, you know, with the Genwell project, we are 5 years into this.
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  I think people are just waking up to what you have known for a long time about the importance
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  of human connect and there was a lot a few incidents along the way that inspired this, but
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  I think it was that first taste of helping other people as part of a what I'll say a
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  career step that really awoke a woke in my eyes to just how important it is to wake up every
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  day and make a difference in the world.
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  So in reference to human connection, we know that it's a basic need.
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  I often say just, you know, like, just like we need oxygen and that we are mammals, we, you
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  know, we get stored for 9 months with our parents, mums, and then we we come out in the
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  world.
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  And the first space that we enter into becomes that, you know, we are helpless and then we
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  need connection to these potentially whoever is our caregiver, mom, or dad, or whoever that is.
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  And, unfortunately, what happens, you know, is that not everybody and on, you know, I wish I
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  could sit across from you as I look at your t t shirts that says love, to say that there's
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  everybody in the world that feels love because of sometimes that's not the case.
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  And, you know, and that's when we kind of, you know, get dysregulation of the body, all those
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  things, and people would end up seeing some sup somebody like myself, to really, oftentimes
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  feel that connection to another human being.
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  So with yourself, with your general project.
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  Tell me about how you promote connection.
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  What do you do?
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  What what is it that you're doing out there in the world to to create connection?
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  Yeah.
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  It's such a such a great question and obviously it is a human innate need.
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  Maslow told us this back in 19 43 as part of his hierarchy of needs, you know, in in many,
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  you know, centuries ago when the caveman you know, when our lives existed within a 1
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  kilometer radius times have changed so dramatically now that we need to be educated on
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  something we've never been educated on this.
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  In Canada, for example, you know, we had the food guide in 1942.
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  We had participation in 1971.
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  And now we need a human connection movement to educate people about the importance of human
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  connection and that's really what the basis for the general project is is we have a society who
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  in the midst of a pandemic don't understand the importance of human connection as one of the,
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  actions that we can all take.
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  And I'm I'm sure you know Roxanne 3 months ago, Massachusetts General Hospital came out with a
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  new study, said that the single greatest preventative action that we can take to avoid
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  depression is our good old social connection It's not about going for a walk in nature,
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  although exercise is still good.
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  Nature's beautiful.
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  Eating well.
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  You know, that's wonderful.
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  But that's not the the single greatest thing we can do.
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  It is social connection and we need to spread this message with people And even in the short
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  term, if it's about social connection on a virtual using technology, it's a great
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  supplement to the relationships that we will get back to as we move forward.
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  And as you say, if we were face to face, I would have already given you a big hug because
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  that's what we need as human beings.
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  When you say what do we do as Jen?
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  Well, the funny thing is it's no different than participation, you know, which was about and
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  foremost thing of behavior change is that I need to educate people about the importance of
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  human connection.
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  So the first mission of the GenWell project is to educate people that now the research clearly
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  shows it reduces anxiety and depression increases empathy, compassion, resilience,
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  strengthens our system and self confidence, increases our longevity, as, yeah, I guess
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  those are the main ones.
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  And then another recent study was actually, that there's a direct correlation between
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  isolation and loneliness and type 2 diabetes.
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  So whether we wanna talk about physical health or mental health, the reality is we need to
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  educate people on an on this information because without the knowledge We will continue
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  to go back to the well that we've been educated on which might be I should eat more fruit and
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  vegetables or I should go for a walk.
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  And those are both really important and so is sleep and slow as drinking water and so is
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  mindfulness.
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  Those are all things that slowly creeped into our lexicon over the last decade, but we still
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  have never spoken about the importance of human connection.
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  And the reason is Is it up until just a decade ago?
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  It just happened because before the fast paced and the distraction of life We used to see 10
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  kids on the street at all times and mom and dad used to wash the car or cut the grass and our
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  fences weren't 6 feet high and we didn't build bigger houses for smaller families and
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  automatic garage doors.
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  We are waking up to a world in which we are more disconnected than ever layered on with a
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  pandemic and now is the time that we need to educate people first and then post pandemic as
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  we were doing before We identified 2 weekends a year when we wanted to catalyze all Canadians
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  and frankly people around the world because we wanna inspire people to celebrate life and
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  human connection, not because you have a mental health problem, not because you're old, not
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  because you're addicted, not because you're struggling with this pressure or stress, but
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  because we're all proactively engaging in human connection, we have to stop celebrating life
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  after people die.
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  We keep having these celebrations of life to celebrate the person after they're gone.
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  How about we take a couple times a year when we all acknowledge that we should get connected
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  that we give people permission to do so and we create a catalyst like what we called our
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  Genwell Weekends, one in May, 1 in September, where when we all participate on a positive
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  action, we all know what we should do like we do on Canada day and New Year's day.
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  We all know what supposed to do those days and if we can actually catalyze people to take
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  action, then I can get you to talk to your neighbor who 50% of Canadians don't know our
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  next door neighbor's name.
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  70 3 percent of people who went to the workplace were feeling disengaged maybe we can
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  inspire all Canadians whether it's at home on their street in their office, in their
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  community to reach out and get connected at least a couple times a year.
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  You know, it's interesting because, you know, I end up talking about relationships all the time
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  in my work, whether it's people at home or at at at in their work environments.
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  And now guess what?
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  It's been collapsed into 1.
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  And, you know, what we know is that, we're not reptiles and reptiles turn away when they're
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  hurt.
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  We're supposed to lean in to your point.
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  And what I find as a as a psychotherapist is that the one thing that I often do is I create
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  a reparative connection for people that potentially have never experienced it before in
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  their life.
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  So people will say, you know, what is it that you do?
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  And I say sometimes I say nothing, and that individual, is it able to attune to my space
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  and and and what we train, obviously, we go through all these things, Pete, where, we learn
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  to just sit there and really kind of tap into what the, you know, what our space is and in
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  turn, invisibly.
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  And we know this in neuroscience is that we connect even though you are you and I have
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  connected already just because we're both connectors.
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  I can tell how how quickly and easily we did it.
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  But oftentimes, most people haven't practiced that because they haven't experienced it.
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  And it feels so unfortunate, but within a 50 minute hour, if that's all I ever get with
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  someone, someone, they walk away and they've at least connected or felt the presence of another
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  human being.
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  And I think going to back to what you said originally when we started to talk, that's
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  something that is it's going away quickly.
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  And and we're just accepting, you know, you have to be independent.
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  You don't need other people, but in fact, I think I truly believe the reverse is necessary
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  for us to heal.
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  Yeah.
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  Hey.
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  There's no no question.
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  It it, you know, I mentioned the physical barriers that we created?
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  What about the emotional barriers that we've created in creating such an individualistic
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  society over the last 60 years you know, since the 2nd world, we've lived in the greatest
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  growth era in the history of the world and yet we have less connection than ever before.
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  And then you throw technology on and whether it's the time that technology takes away from
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  us or it's the emotional burden that it puts on us because we're watching people live their
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  human highlight real curated, you know, not reality in most cases but you know, when I I
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  always like to say when I was a kid, the my competitive set were the five people I could
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  see out my front window and maybe a few extra in my my grade 1 class or grade 5 class, but
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  today young people are coping with watching the world.
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  The Kardashians, the jenners, every sports star, TV star, movie star, racing star, pick
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  your pick your genre you're competing with them because it's there all day 24 hours a day and
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  the social media firms are doing a great job at Bill those addictions because we are up against
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  teams of social scientists who are working day night trying to get us spend more time on our
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  technology because that's how they make money.
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  And part of the GenWell Pro, we're not an anti technology campaign either because thank
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  goodness.
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  We have it because if we had to go through this pandemic without it, I would be truly afraid of
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  what would have happened already.
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  We already know it's bad with technology.
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  Imagine what it would have been without, but we're not anti technology.
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  What we wanna do is give people the information that can help them make the healthy choices.
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  You know what?
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  If you understand what technology is doing to you and you now understand the importance of
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  human connection maybe you can carve out 5 more minutes today than yesterday and maybe tomorrow
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  it's 10 and maybe you can find more time to spend with somebody else because when we talk
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  to other people, it puts all of our challenges in perspective.
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  And when we talk to ourselves and we're inside our own heads and you know this as a
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  psychotherapist, We aren't we don't tend to be kind to ourselves and and so what we wanna do
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  is inspire people to get connected because it'll almost work out a self if I can actually
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  get you to get out of your own head, get out of your own house, and get connected with other
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  people.
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  And get in your body because I can tell you the one thing that I seem to speak or or, deal with
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  people on is just about I would say that most of us, a lot of us, unfortunately, didn't have,
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  you know, what we would call secure attachment, right, where but, you know, it can be learned.
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  And that's a thing.
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  Even if you didn't have the ideal situation where every, you know, you were meant to evolve
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  into who you needed to be, with, you know, mom and dad or whoever those your attachments were
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  to be ideal, that at some point, we we all kinda grow into adulthood and we could learn
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  these things.
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  And I think that's what I love, about the advancements in, neuroscience since I now that
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  we can prove it.
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  Whereas before, when I started in the field 30 years ago, it was like, oh, yeah.
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  You're just gonna, you know, be warm and fuzzy, and you're gonna tell me, how great I am and
• 15:44
  you're really not making any change.
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  But now with the functional MRF MRIs, we can actually prove that we there is shifts that
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  occur when we we actually treat someone.
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  Whereas years years ago, people would be like, oh, well, you know, what's gonna change in
• 16:00
  anyone?
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  And we were underestimating the impact that you were actually having by, you know, being kind
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  or by being gentle or teaching someone how to respond to an emotional need versus, kind of
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  turning away.
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  So I think we're coming along.
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  And but, like, to your point, we need bigger movements like yourself or even like mine,
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  which is the authentic movement, to really have protocol, recognize that we need each other to
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  survive.
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  We need and thrive
• 16:31
  Hey.
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  100% Roxanne and and certainly a part of the motivation behind this movement is my own
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  experience.
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  I lost my dad as a kid.
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  To a heart attack and and I felt lonely.
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  I felt like I didn't have that support there.
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  It took me 30 years to figure out what the impact of that was along my journey and
• 16:51
  recognizing the the meaningful moments of my life where I didn't have a father there or a
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  mentor there to be, that support network, to be that person to chat through some of the biggest
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  challenges and and and experiences in our lives.
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  But I also, Nick, I also know that there's, you know, as you say, research going on all the
• 17:12
  time.
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  I just finished the course at Yale, the science of well-being, and, you know, even as simple as
• 17:18
  talking to a stranger and connecting with people, Nick Eppley out of the University of
• 17:22
  Chicago was doing studies on the fact that you know, I I think he did it on a subway and they
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  they asked people going on to the subway, hey, would you mind connecting with somebody?
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  And, you know, people's now a natural inclination is to say, no way.
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  I'm not gonna talk to somebody on a subway and then they do the survey afterwards and they
• 17:40
  say, well, how did you feel after it was done?
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  You're like, Oh my god.
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  That was the best ride.
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  And we've all seen this in a cab.
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  You get into a cab.
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  You're like, I'm gonna be quiet.
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  And then you have a conversation.
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  And by the end of it, you know, where that person grew up, you've it on a subject, you
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  know, whether it's COVID, whether it's this that and the other.
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  And so it's amazing how we have had the idea of social connection beaten out of us in our
• 18:03
  society, you know, and and in many different ways.
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  But yet when we get the opportunity and this is what we've seen on our gen well weekends when
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  we catalyze people and when people take action and they do it, they all come back wanting to
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  do it again and they wanna do it more often.
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  So again, I really I I can't stress enough how important your work and our work is to actually
• 18:25
  get people to understand the fact because if they understand how important it is to their
• 18:31
  health and happiness, man, I just think it's a natural inclination We all go buy fruit and
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  vegetables now and most everybody talks about going for a run every day.
• 18:40
  Well, how about we talk about reaching out?
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  And today's blue Monday.
• 18:43
  You know, we're interviewing on blue Monday.
• 18:45
  Oh, exactly.
• 18:46
  I I saw that really briefly, but, you know, it's interesting.
• 18:48
  I'll give you my path coming here when I was 16, and, I went to University of Toronto, but
• 18:54
  at the Aarondale campus.
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  And I remember, you know, because I come from a small island at everybody, you say hello to, or
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  their auntie or uncle on the street.
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  And when people came to your door, led to your your, front yard and, we would set out food.
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  Right?
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  So if people didn't have food, of course, it's trop and all of that.
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  So I hear I I come from the small island.
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  Yes.
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  I traveled.
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  Never lift anywhere, and I'm talking to everybody.
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  Right?
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  So I'm like, hi.
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  Good morning.
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  How are you?
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  Hi.
• 19:24
  Good morning.
• 19:24
  How are you?
• 19:25
  And you and you know you know this experience of the elevator.
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  Right?
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  And then I'm like, after about 3 weeks of doing, I'm like, nobody looks at me.
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  It's so sad.
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  Nobody is saying hello back.
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  And
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  I guess I should stop too.
• 19:41
  Exactly.
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  And then I was like, what is wrong?
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  Because I grew up with in a small village, you know, Diamond Village, and I moved to Little
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  City, but remember, turn it as a 1,300,000 compared to you know, Missus Salvatorento at
• 19:55
  that time, even though it's grown immensely, but it was inherently cultural.
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  I recognize that.
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  And then you're right.
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  What happens is then you start to step back because you're like, well, I'm bothering
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  someone.
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  And, you know, and if I go to Trinidad now, Pete, and I and I have to catch myself because
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  I go into my North American ways, And everybody's like, hi.
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  How are you?
• 20:17
  How are you?
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  And I'm like, woah.
• 20:19
  Oh, hi.
• 20:19
  Cause I'm I'm going back because I've lived here most of my life compared to the Caribbean.
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  So I think It's going back to you right.
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  It's all those basics.
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  Like, when you start to recognize that we all have it in us and you know, creating this
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  weekends where you're, like you said, you cross pollinate people and you you kinda say, I'm
• 20:36
  gonna put you in that group, and you're not gonna know anybody to think about anybody.
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  We all want to to talk to people.
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  But if we've not practiced that, it becomes harder to do.
• 20:46
  Yeah.
• 20:46
  And it's interesting just following up on your question when you say, what do you guys do you
• 20:51
  know, initially when we were brainstormed, by the way, the the background, the the real
• 20:54
  catalyst was the summer blackout of 2003 which you probably experienced when 50 million people
• 21:00
  on the eastern seaboard went without power from anywhere from 2 to 7 days.
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  What did you do that night night Roxanne?
• 21:07
  Do you remember?
• 21:08
  God, I'm trying to remember.
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  I think I had a two year old, and I was probably home, and I can't remember.
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  I'm not I'd not I'm not recalling.
• 21:17
  Yeah.
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  So, you know, that's that's a great example because families with young kids just came
• 21:22
  home, came together, put on the candle, maybe they had dinner together, which many of us
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  weren't doing with our families.
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  Maybe they played a board game.
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  As you were a little older, you know, I was on street in Toronto that night and at 9 o'clock
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  at night, I walked out on a busy street and the street was packed with people.
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  And I thought to myself, wow.
• 21:42
  Look what happened when we stop, when we actually wake up and we turn off all the
• 21:48
  distractions and so that was the catalyst.
• 21:51
  For the Genwell project was seeing what happens and seeing how much we crave human connection
• 21:57
  that we actually needed somebody to turn all the power off so we would actually make the
• 22:03
  time to get connected and I can't go and get Ontario hydro or all the hydro companies across
• 22:08
  the country to turn off the power simultaneously for a few hours, but we can
• 22:13
  create these occasions these weekends when we identify, by the way, know, we do the 1st
• 22:18
  weekend in May because suicide rates are highest in the springtime.
• 22:22
  Most people in the psychology space and in the mental health space think it's Christmas time.
• 22:27
  And it's not and there's lots of different factors that go into it and seasonal
• 22:30
  transition.
• 22:31
  We do the 3rd week of September because we come off of our summer schedules and we're about to
• 22:36
  head into the colder, darker days of winter and we wanna catalyze people to connect whether
• 22:41
  it's with their friends, family, neighbors, or colleagues so that they have those healthy
• 22:45
  connection habits as they head into the darker colder days like we're experiencing right now
• 22:50
  just with the added pressure of the pandemic.
• 22:53
  So, if we can help people create those catalyzing moments, then we believe and what
• 22:59
  the research has shown us is that we can actually get people to to make it more of a
• 23:04
  habit because we've got them started and we don't host any events and that was my point I
• 23:08
  was gonna make is a lot of people said, so what do you do?
• 23:11
  And I, you know, me inviting you to a party with a million people with a band and, you
• 23:17
  know, balloons and all that's not the relationship that's gonna sustain itself.
• 23:23
  We wanna get you connected with the people that you are either physically connected to, like
• 23:27
  your colleagues and your neighbors, or emotionally connected to which is your family
• 23:31
  and your friends.
• 23:32
  You have a reason to want to see those people more often and you will see those people and
• 23:37
  now what I need to give you is that permission and that catalyst to actually to get you to
• 23:42
  take action because and Canadians don't know their next door neighbor's name in a time of
• 23:47
  crisis.
• 23:48
  It's not your friend in Vancouver or in London, England who's gonna help you.
• 23:52
  It's actually gonna be that person right beside you that when you break your leg falling down
• 23:57
  the stairs on a on a snowy day, or if you have a heart attack or your child has a challenge,
• 24:03
  god forbid, it's going to be the people around us who can help us and we need to start
• 24:08
  building those healthy connection habits before the crisis comes because COVID's just the first
• 24:14
  there are many more coming.
• 24:16
  And what we need to do is start building those hap habits now.
• 24:20
  So how could people get involved, with, with your project to, like because I I am all in.
• 24:27
  I'm like, okay.
• 24:28
  We need to do this.
• 24:29
  We need to do this because it's what I promote, and I often say, you know, and in my, you know,
• 24:36
  walks, which sometimes I think it creates a space within me.
• 24:40
  The only thing that I that keeps coming to me over and over again is that we can love.
• 24:44
  That's the one thing we have control over.
• 24:46
  So how is it that we can help and in any way to make people aware and, when when your next
• 24:54
  event is gonna happen, if
• 24:56
  so first off, I just wanna say thank you, Roxanne because honestly getting people like
• 25:01
  yourself who get it, who understand it, and sharing it with your community is the greatest
• 25:07
  gift that you can give us.
• 25:08
  Because only by sharing this information with people who have trusted relationships will we
• 25:14
  start to spread this message What people can do right now is they can head over to
• 25:18
  jenwellproject.org and they can, check out what we've done.
• 25:22
  We've actually taken a pause right now we've taken down our website and part of the reason
• 25:28
  is because that website was originally built to register people for our gen well weekends.
• 25:33
  And what we wanna come back with is a full hub of content and information help people build
• 25:40
  healthy connection habits.
• 25:41
  In the meantime, we have a campaign up called disconnected and it's really about reflecting a
• 25:48
  after 5 years, even I felt disconnected because I was under the stress and pressure of getting
• 25:53
  content up every every day but just kinda putting it on pause and making sure that
• 25:58
  everybody recognizes just how disconnected we are.
• 26:01
  They can answer a question they can leave us some comments of support or, you know, ideas
• 26:07
  that they might have for helping get people connected because we will be coming back we
• 26:12
  have a team of people that are working on, you know, kind of the the best approach moving
• 26:16
  forward, including building a national network of organizations that are working to make the
• 26:21
  world a happier and healthier place.
• 26:23
  And I will say since you're in Niagara Falls, that the mayor of Niagara Falls has been one of
• 26:28
  the greatest supporters of the human connection movement from a Mayor All standpoint, as has
• 26:34
  the mayor of Toronto and, the mayor of Victoria, the mayor of Edmonton, So a few of
• 26:39
  the mayors across this country have jumped in, but we need all the mayors.
• 26:43
  And we
• 26:44
  That's awesome.
• 26:45
  Jim's an amazing man.
• 26:46
  Yeah.
• 26:46
  He he honestly He posted the most beautiful picture of himself and his family and talked
• 26:52
  about human connection and encouraged the the citizens and Niagara Falls to jump on board.
• 26:58
  And it was it was it was tremendous to have his support.
• 27:01
  So
• 27:02
  Well, anything I can do, this is an amazing project.
• 27:06
  And I will definitely make sure that, I promote it as much as I can.
• 27:09
  Thanks so much again for your time.
• 27:12
  For for everyone listening, we need to stay connected.
• 27:15
  That's that's what the main element of our health is.
• 27:18
  So think through in your neighborhood, and I challenge everybody listening, to try to go
• 27:25
  knock on the door, do your social distancing, and say, hello, and say, is there anything I
• 27:30
  can do to help you today?
• 27:32
  And, you know, that it's all it takes is getting a little bit uncomfortable if you've
• 27:36
  never done it before.
• 27:38
  So reach out to someone.
• 27:40
  And whether if it's walking by someone and, and, you know, generally a lot of people look
• 27:44
  down now, which is unfortunate, not connecting, smile, and say hello.
• 27:49
  And if you're wanting more information on authentic relationships, I've just launched a
• 27:54
  relationship course that will be, starting in 2 weeks.
• 27:58
  You can, check the link be below.
• 28:01
  Thanks for tuning in to authentic living with Roxanne creating the base for positive, healthy
• 28:07
  change.
• 28:08
  Roxanne is a keynote speaker, psychotherapist, and coach to work with Roxanne, visit roxanne
• 28:15
  Durhaj.com/blueprint.
• 28:18
  We'll see you next time.
• 28:20
  An authentic living with Roxanne.