Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1026 - Growing Growing, Not Gone

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#1026 - Growing Growing, Not Gone · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
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  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers. Now, I have
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  Speaker 1: got so many facets to myself because of all of
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  Speaker 1: the skills that I learned in those mundane, everyday interactions
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  Speaker 1: with my children and my family that have elevated me
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  Speaker 1: and allowed me to have opportunities that I would never
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  Speaker 1: have had without them. And now here's the scars of
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  Speaker 1: our show, My Mum and Dad.
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  Speaker 2: You Kylie had an incident, a conversation a conversation is
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  Speaker 2: a better word for it, with a friend recently that
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  Speaker 2: has been insightful, and that's what we're going to talk
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  Speaker 2: about in our podcast today. Tell us about it.
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  Speaker 1: Well, a few weeks ago. It was actually an online conversation,
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  Speaker 1: so we weren't face to face, but one of my
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  Speaker 1: friends and I were chatting. I have been, you know again,
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  Speaker 1: just kind of revisiting this kind of concept of what
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  Speaker 1: do I want to be when I grow up?
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  Speaker 2: Right, because when you're in your forties, that's the time
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  Speaker 2: to start to thinking about that.
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  Speaker 1: Well, all of the kids are getting older now, and
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  Speaker 1: I definitely have a little bit more time on my
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  Speaker 1: hands to do things that interest me. But because I
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  Speaker 1: have spent so much time with the kids over the years.
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  Speaker 1: While I've got lots of things that I kind of
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  Speaker 1: pique my interests, there's nothing that really stands out as
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  Speaker 1: being something I want to do for good. Okay, I've
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  Speaker 1: been writing for Kylie's Corner for the last couple of
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  Speaker 1: years now, and I really enjoy writing, and I feel
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  Speaker 1: like I'm getting better at it. And I wondered whether
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  Speaker 1: or not that's something I might kind of look into
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  Speaker 1: a little bit more. And so one of our friends
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  Speaker 1: is actually an editor for a publishing house, and so
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  Speaker 1: I just sent her a little message and I said, look,
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  Speaker 1: I'm just playing around with this idea. I've been doing,
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  Speaker 1: you know, a little bit of writing, and I'm really
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  Speaker 1: enjoying it, but I'd like to know how to be
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  Speaker 1: better at it. And we started this conversation going, and
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  Speaker 1: finally she just said, she said, I'm so excited for
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  Speaker 1: you that you're thinking about doing something new. She said,
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  Speaker 1: you know, I was talking to my husband about it,
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  Speaker 1: and we realized, you know, before we had the kids,
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  Speaker 1: we had of these little hobbies that we used to do.
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  Speaker 1: We were really interesting. Right now we're kids, but now
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  Speaker 1: we're just boring right, And it just got me thinking
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  Speaker 1: about this kind of idea of being interesting and boring.
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  Speaker 2: You know what they need to do, have more kids,
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  Speaker 2: nothing boring when you've got six kids.
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  Speaker 1: Well, I don't think they're talking about life being boring.
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  Speaker 1: I think they're talking about them and being boring, being boring.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, okay, when.
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  Speaker 1: You know, I remember back to there times when we
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  Speaker 1: had younger kids, and all of our conversations revolved around
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  Speaker 1: the kids.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah it was it was sleep, and it was eating,
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  Speaker 2: and it was well yeah, yeah yeah, and how hard
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  Speaker 2: it is all the growth start. Yeah yeah, yeah for sure.
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  Speaker 1: And there wasn't a lot of me time. There wasn't
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  Speaker 1: a lot of time to kind of develop myself or
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  Speaker 1: do things that I really loved to do or lit
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  Speaker 1: me up.
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  Speaker 2: You're standing a little bit grandmotherly. I can imagine some
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  Speaker 2: of our podcast listeners who are in their late twenties
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  Speaker 2: sort of going, what's that like to have kids that
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  Speaker 2: are so old that you can say I remem but
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  Speaker 2: back when? Because it's hard, right, I mean, when you're
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  Speaker 2: in you think of it, it's hard. And I guess
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  Speaker 2: I can get what somebody would say, Yeah, lifeels a
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  Speaker 2: little bit boring. Because it is just so tiring.
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  Speaker 1: But you know, it just made me start to think
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  Speaker 1: about things, and I think about the person that I
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  Speaker 1: am now. It's a direct result of those years that
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  Speaker 1: my friend is right in the middle of right now,
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  Speaker 1: where she's feeling that she's not interesting, and the recognition
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  Speaker 1: that I am only the person I am now because
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  Speaker 1: of those years that felt mundane and felt at times
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  Speaker 1: just so ho hum and hard and you know, just
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  Speaker 1: day to day struggle.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, but Kylie, you're not the person because of the struggle.
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  Speaker 2: The person you are because of the way you approach
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  Speaker 2: the struggle. So the choice that you have when you're
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  Speaker 2: a young mum specifically, but even a young dad. I
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  Speaker 2: mean I made a pretty big choice around fatherhood as well.
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  Speaker 2: The choice that you make, the way you choose to
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  Speaker 2: act with intention, that determines what your destiny is. It's
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  Speaker 2: the day to day decisions that determine destiny. You can't
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  Speaker 2: so I like you. You're incredible with birthday parties, You're
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  Speaker 2: amazing with events. You're an incredible, I mean just fabulous,
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  Speaker 2: stunning in the kitchen, you know how to do all
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  Speaker 2: this stuff. But it's because when we made the decision
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  Speaker 2: primarily when you made the decision that you're going to
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  Speaker 2: stay at home and raise the kids rather than go
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  Speaker 2: out to work. You put your heart and soul into it.
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  Speaker 2: You put everything into it. And it was mundane and
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  Speaker 2: it was hard, and it was banal, and it was boring,
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  Speaker 2: but you put everything into it, and that has led
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  Speaker 2: to the growth that's led to you being the phenomenon
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  Speaker 2: that misappy Families is today.
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  Speaker 1: It's very much about intention. And for me, when I
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  Speaker 1: look back on those years and even now, I mean,
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  Speaker 1: I'm still developing, I'm still growing, I'm still learning. The
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  Speaker 1: thing that I have loved the most is there are
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  Speaker 1: some strengths that I have tapped into. And the number
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  Speaker 1: one strength would be creativity. Like I love to be creative.
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  Speaker 1: And so before before we had kids, I was doing
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  Speaker 1: craft all the time. And then we had kids and
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  Speaker 1: I tried to keep doing craft and it just got hard.
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  Speaker 1: And so you talk about birthday parties, you talk about planning,
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  Speaker 1: you talk about you know, just doing events for the
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  Speaker 1: kids and things like that. That's where I was able
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  Speaker 1: to utilize my creativity in the kitchen, learning new recipes.
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  Speaker 1: That was how I kind of explored my creativity. But
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  Speaker 1: it was actually out of necessity.
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  Speaker 2: Can we just yeah, I want to paint the picture here.
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  Speaker 2: This isn't where you sort of went, well, I used
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  Speaker 2: to be creative like this, but now we have children,
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  Speaker 2: so I'm going to be creative like that. That's not
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  Speaker 2: what happened. I remember you would be sitting in the
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  Speaker 2: room on the bed in a heap, going, I don't
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  Speaker 2: know how I'm going to do this. I've taken on
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  Speaker 2: too much. This was a ridiculous idea. I've got no
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  Speaker 2: idea how I'm going to make this event work. And
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  Speaker 2: the headaches and the challenge and the trial that you
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  Speaker 2: went through to make each of these events what it
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  Speaker 2: became like. This was not an easy thing for you.
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  Speaker 2: And it's not like you wanted to be doing these things.
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  Speaker 2: Quite often, you were doing it because you felt duty
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  Speaker 2: bound to do it, but you just wanted to give
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  Speaker 2: the kids a good experience. Again, you put your heart
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  Speaker 2: and soul into it, and the learning that you've had,
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  Speaker 2: the experiences that you've had have shaped who you are now.
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  Speaker 2: There's and nothing was boring about it, but it was
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  Speaker 2: really really hard, and at the time it felt.
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  Speaker 1: Like it was boring. You know. One of the things
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  Speaker 1: that actually was pivotal to shaping me was actually living
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  Speaker 1: on a budget. Ah yeah, all of those years while
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  Speaker 1: you were a student. I had to find ways to
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  Speaker 1: be creative and to give the kids experiences without it
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  Speaker 1: hurting us financially with.
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  Speaker 2: Literally I remember one year we did a homemade Christmas
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  Speaker 2: because we had no money for Christmas gifts at all,
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  Speaker 2: and so we just made the decision at homemade Christmas,
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  Speaker 2: we have to make stuff for everyone, which.
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  Speaker 1: I thought was a great idea at the.
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  Speaker 2: Time, wasn't it. I mean it was a massive drama,
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  Speaker 2: But how much did we learn and how much fun
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  Speaker 2: was it?
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  Speaker 1: Well? I had to make presents for everyone because then
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  Speaker 1: I had to spend one on one time with six
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  Speaker 1: children at various ages who had all got one sister.
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  Speaker 1: We did secret sisters sister to make a present for
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  Speaker 1: and work with them without anyone else knowing what was
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  Speaker 1: going on. It was so much work and I was
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  Speaker 1: exhausted at the end of it. But one of our
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  Speaker 1: favorite Christmas memories.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah, And I think you started preparing for
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  Speaker 2: Christmas in September because it was a homemade Christmas and
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  Speaker 2: we had no money. What's this got to do with? Actually,
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  Speaker 2: before I ask that question. A quick point, creativity is
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  Speaker 2: infinite unless you're tired. Creativity is really limited. When you're
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  Speaker 2: super tired, you're just like, I have no capacity for creativity.
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  Speaker 2: But creativity itself is infinite. You think about how many
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  Speaker 2: bajillions of songs have been written, You think about how
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  Speaker 2: many stories have been told. You think about how many
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  Speaker 2: inventions have been created, and how many there will yet be.
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  Speaker 2: Creativity is infinite. And so from a parenting point of view,
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  Speaker 2: when we're looking at the mundane everyday ho hum stuff
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  Speaker 2: that we're trapesing through, especially when the kids are young
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  Speaker 2: and we are that exhausted, we can come up with
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  Speaker 2: an infinite number of ways to play with the kids,
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  Speaker 2: an infinite number of ways to host a party for
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  Speaker 2: the kids, an infinite number of ways to discipline the
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  Speaker 2: kids in positive and efficient, effective, productive ways. I think
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  Speaker 2: we just need to illustrate that, and recognizing that creativity
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  Speaker 2: is infinite should give every parent who's exhausted and over it.
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  Speaker 2: It's some hope that if they just look at a
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  Speaker 2: little bit differently, just try something new, it will change
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  Speaker 2: the way their family feels. And in ten, fifteen, twenty
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  Speaker 2: years time, I mean, we've been parenting now for twenty
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  Speaker 2: three plus years. Over time, it changes and shapes who
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  Speaker 2: you become. Being creative is really vital to that process.
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  Speaker 1: At one of the times in our lives where time
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  Speaker 1: was so limited, funds were so low, and we were
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  Speaker 1: really really struggling, and yesterday I needed I needed an outlet.
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  Speaker 1: I remember finding joy in mending. Yeah, people would hand
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  Speaker 1: closes down to us all the time because we had
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  Speaker 1: six girls, and so they were constantly handing downs coming
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  Speaker 1: through the door left rown center. I would go through
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  Speaker 1: the bags and find clothes that were ripped or you know,
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  Speaker 1: kind of just stretched out of place, and I would
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  Speaker 1: spend a handful of minutes just putting them back into shape.
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  Speaker 1: And I found so much joy out of that finding
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  Speaker 1: something that was completely ruined, destroyed, couldn't be used again,
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  Speaker 1: and I would make it into something that the kids
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  Speaker 1: could wear.
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  Speaker 2: I haven't seen that sewing machine for a while. I
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  Speaker 2: remember one time you pulled apart a few pairs of
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  Speaker 2: genes and turned them into a cushion cover. I mean,
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  Speaker 2: well before.
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  Speaker 1: That, it was actually a baby's activity blanket, and that
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  Speaker 1: was my favorite. That's right, Yeah, you use it, which's
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  Speaker 1: the bolt loops for toys to be attached to it,
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  Speaker 1: pockets to hide things, and it was so much fun.
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  Speaker 2: So when you're having this conversation with our friend and
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  Speaker 2: she's saying life's boring, we're boring. Having children has ruined
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  Speaker 2: the fun that we have in life. What's the real upshot?
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  Speaker 2: What's the real outtake here of this conversation? Because I
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  Speaker 2: feel like we've talked a lot about being creative and
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  Speaker 2: maximizing resources with even when they're limited, being creative with that,
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  Speaker 2: But what's the central thing that you're trying to get
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  Speaker 2: up for any mum who's kind of going, yeah, yeah,
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  Speaker 2: I kind of missed my life before kids.
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  Speaker 1: For me, as I look back on those years, I
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  Speaker 1: recognize that the person I am today I couldn't be
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  Speaker 1: this person, and I feel like I'm quite an interesting
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  Speaker 1: person these days. I have got so many facets to
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  Speaker 1: myself because of all of the skills that I learned
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  Speaker 1: in those mundane, everyday interactions with my children and my family.
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  Speaker 1: I didn't see it at the time. It just often
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  Speaker 1: felt really hard, and I was frustrated because I wanted
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  Speaker 1: more time to be able to do the things that
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  Speaker 1: I loved. But it's actually been those hard years in
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  Speaker 1: the trenches, working alongside my kids to create experiences for
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  Speaker 1: them that they'll remember that have elevated me and allowed
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  Speaker 1: me to have opportunities that I would never have had
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  Speaker 1: without them, would never have had without them. And now
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  Speaker 1: my events aren't little kids' birthday parties. I'm doing big
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  Speaker 1: events for big adults, weddings and things like that that
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  Speaker 1: I would never have attempted to do if it hadn't
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  Speaker 1: have been for the little birthday parties I did in
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: the backyard. I love that.
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  Speaker 2: I love that idea, the idea that you've got to
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  Speaker 2: start somewhere, so it start small with a two year old,
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  Speaker 2: because it doesn't matter what it's like, but the more
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  Speaker 2: you do it, the better you get at it. It's
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  Speaker 2: another reason to have more kids.
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  Speaker 1: Well, the other thing that really stood out to me
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  Speaker 1: about it is those in those early years, often we
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  Speaker 1: spend our time with other mums, and I think about
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  Speaker 1: all of the skills that I learned, Like I wasn't
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  Speaker 1: always good at doing things, but there were always other
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  Speaker 1: people around me who were, and we were able to
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  Speaker 1: share ideas with each other, and that's what I absolutely loved.
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  Speaker 1: Because now we're all kind of older and our kids
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  Speaker 1: are moving on, people are doing different things with their lives,
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  Speaker 1: and it's harder to get together than it was when
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  Speaker 1: we had little kids at home.
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  Speaker 2: When I hear say that, what I'm really hearing is
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  Speaker 2: it can be easy for some people to forget who
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: they were when they become a mum. But that's I
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  Speaker 2: think what you're saying is part of the beauty of
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: becoming a mum. You in some ways, you don't completely
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: leave that behind. Who you were shapes who you become.
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  Speaker 2: But once you're a mum, if you invest in it
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  Speaker 2: the right way, it actually shapes you and helps you
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  Speaker 2: to grow in a whole lot of new ways that
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  Speaker 2: make you better, more capable, and change the trajectory of
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  Speaker 2: your life.
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  Speaker 1: There is nothing boring about being a mum. And I
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  Speaker 1: look at these two friends of ours and I think
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  Speaker 1: they've got a fascinating life, and they are so creative,
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  Speaker 1: and they bring so much joy to their children's lives
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  Speaker 1: into the families that associate with them.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, let's wrap up with just some really cool research
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  Speaker 2: from Harvard psychologist Daniel Gilbert. He's written a bunch of
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: really really best selling books, really really best something. Can
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: I say that he's some really great psychology books, and
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  Speaker 2: he talks about how when you ask people in their
• 12:37
  Speaker 2: thirties how much they've grown in the last decade, they say, oh, amazingly,
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: so much. But when you ask them do you think
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  Speaker 2: there's much to go, they'll usually say, oh, yeah, a
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  Speaker 2: little bit, there's definitely surmary for growth, but the last
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  Speaker 2: decade was seriously the most growth that I've ever had
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: in my life. And then you ask people when they're
• 12:54
  Speaker 2: forty what happened in the last decade, and they say,
• 12:55
  Speaker 2: I thought my twenties was big, but the thirties, holy smokes,
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  Speaker 2: and how much to go? Well, yeah, there's probably a
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: bit more to go, but this was the big decade.
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  Speaker 2: And then you get somebody who's fifty and they say, oh,
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  Speaker 2: my forties, Holy cow, I can't believe how much I progress,
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  Speaker 2: how much I grew. What the research shows is this
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  Speaker 2: pattern continues up until the time we're about eighty. We're
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: in our eighties before we start to say, oh, yeah,
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  Speaker 2: maybe I'm slowing down a bit now. And what that
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  Speaker 2: tells me is there is so much hope, there's so
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  Speaker 2: much opportunity for growth and development. If we've got our
• 13:23
  Speaker 2: eyes open for it, if we're looking for it, and
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  Speaker 2: if we can somehow find the opportunity for a little
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  Speaker 2: bit more creativity, a little bit more contribution, a little
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: bit more involvement with the kids, it makes a huge difference.
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  Speaker 2: I'm so glad to have that conversation. Thanks for the insights.
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  Speaker 1: I am too. It was really good to reflect on
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  Speaker 1: it and to see how much I've grown over the years.
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, you have. The Happy Family's podcast is produced
• 13:44
  Speaker 2: by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media, with Craig Bruce acting
• 13:47
  Speaker 2: as our executive producer. For more information about making your
• 13:50
  Speaker 2: family happier, please visit us for a whole lot of
• 13:53
  Speaker 2: resources at happy families dot com. Do a