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359: How Chronic Caregiving Stress Alters Parent Physical Health, with Andrea Jones · Beautifully Complex

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: So I learned the hard way, and now I'm a
• 0:03
  Speaker 1: lot more strategic about preventing because I've experienced the extreme
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: end of that burnout state, right of having difficulty getting
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: out of bed in the morning and having no energy
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: for anything, and a lot of health issues that came
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: from that.
• 0:21
  Speaker 2: Welcome to Beautifully Complex, where we unpack what it really
• 0:24
  Speaker 2: means to parent neurodivergent kids with dignity and clarity. I'm
• 0:28
  Speaker 2: Penny Williams, and I know firsthand how tough and transformative
• 0:33
  Speaker 2: this journey can be. Let's dive in and discover how
• 0:36
  Speaker 2: to raise regulated, resilient, beautifully complex kids together. Oh and
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: if you want more support, join our free community at
• 0:45
  Speaker 2: hub dot beautifully complex dot life. Hello parents and educators
• 0:54
  Speaker 2: and caring adults. I am so glad that you're here
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: with us today. I have with me Andrea Jones to
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: talk about parent health, like parent physical health when we
• 1:05
  Speaker 2: have constant caregiving stress, because it can have a huge
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: impact on our physical health, and I think it's something
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: that needs to be on parent radar, But also we
• 1:18
  Speaker 2: need strategies. How do we maybe circumvent some of this,
• 1:22
  Speaker 2: How do we prevent some of it from happening. So, Andrew,
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: will you start by introducing yourself to the audience and
• 1:28
  Speaker 2: then we'll jump into our topic.
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: Absolutely well, I'm Andrea Jones. I am a registered nurse,
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: functional health practitioner, and a parent of a child with
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: special needs. So I actually spent the first fifteen years
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: of my career working in inpatient pediatrics, so I got
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: to see firsthand how childhood illness really impacts families, both
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: acute illness and chronic illness. And it wasn't really until
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: I had my own experience with that as a being
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: on the parent side of things that I really started
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: to understand like, Okay, like we're no longer in an
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: acute stress situation, Like this is now a marathon, this
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: is not a sprint, and I have to start to
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: think about this differently. So I think my clinical experience,
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: my professional experience, did inform me because I was listening
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: to parents a lot, you know, of what they were
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: going through. You know, as nurses were not just supporting
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: the child, We're supporting the whole family in that setting.
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: But it really it's like reading a book about a
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: subject and then living the subject, right, those are two
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: different learning experiences. But I really do feel like that
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: experience helped kind of shape how I started to think
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: about taking care of myself because for many years, especially
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: you know, when my daughter was first diagnosed with pandas
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: I would say, the first three years after that, it
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: was extremely high stress. And you know, when you're in
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: that situation, it feels like nothing I do is going
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: to make a difference because it doesn't change the stressors, right, right,
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: And so I found myself getting stuck in that thought
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: loop a lot of like does it matter, Like it's
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: not really making an impact, until I realized I had
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: no choice but to do something different. So that's a
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: little bit about my background what we're talking about today.
• 3:23
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I'm so glad that you said we can't
• 3:26
  Speaker 2: change the stressor, but we can change our response to
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: the stressor. We can change what we do for ourselves
• 3:36
  Speaker 2: under that stress, right, absolutely. Yeah, And so let's start
• 3:42
  Speaker 2: with sort of defining what we mean by chronic caregiving stress.
• 3:48
  Speaker 2: What does that look and feel like?
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it looks and feels distinctly different, and the research
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: does differentiate that from like an acute stressor. So an
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: acute stressor is a very short lived you know, maybe
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: it's a few days to a few weeks of an
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: illness or a.
• 4:05
  Speaker 3: Behavioral issue or what.
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  Speaker 1: You know, a kid goes in for surgery for a
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: broken leg and they have to learn how to walk
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: with a cast. Again, that's an acute stressor, but doesn't
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: have a lifelong impact In most cases. A chronic stressor
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: is long term, tends to be life changing, meaning like
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: I can look back at her diagnosis and say, absolutely,
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: beyond a shadow of a doubt, everything in our life
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: changed from that point, how we functioned as a family,
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: how that changed my ability to work, Like there were
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: multiple layers of stressors, right, And I think that's the
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: other important piece to this. With chronic stress it's never
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: just one stressor. It's multiple layers of stressors, which I'm
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: sure you've you know, you've talked about too. But a
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: chronic stressor is long term, and therefore we have to
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: think about strategies differently because any of us can door
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: a short term stressor, because we know in the back
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: of our head, three weeks from now, the doctor said,
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: we get the cast off and life gets to go
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: back to normal.
• 5:08
  Speaker 3: Right.
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  Speaker 1: But many of us that maybe are parenting differently wired
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: children or children with a chronic illness or you know,
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: a behavioral or whatever diagnosis. We don't have an end
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: date right to when that stress might be. And I
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: think that's without diving into what the research defines as
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: chronic versus acute. That's how I would describe it. There
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: is maybe no end in sight. And that changes how
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: we think about our stress too.
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: I when you say multiple layers, like, I'm thinking about
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: our own stress of the parenting that we want, the
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: childhood that we want to create for our kids, then
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: the stress of the way society says we should parent.
• 5:48
  Speaker 2: Then the stress of the school saying well, your kid
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: has to get here, they have to behave in this
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  Speaker 2: certain manner, they have to perform, you know, to this
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: certain level. Right, And that's just three aspect. There's so
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: many more, so, right and be really this like just
• 6:05
  Speaker 2: layer upon layer upon layer of stressors coming at us. Right,
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: how do we then reduce the impact. I don't know
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: how to say it, like, right, how do we keep
• 6:16
  Speaker 2: it from affecting our physical health? And what does that
• 6:21
  Speaker 2: even look like? I don't know if you want to
• 6:22
  Speaker 2: start with prevention or if you want to start with
• 6:24
  Speaker 2: what it looks like if we don't go down the
• 6:26
  Speaker 2: path of prevention. I'll leave that up to you. But
• 6:30
  Speaker 2: that's where my brain is going.
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and I think so many of us. You know,
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: I thought I was doing fine until I wasn't right.
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: And because I have a pretty strong internal I have
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: a lot of internal strength, I would say to me,
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: and so I just there were a lot of signs
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: that I ignored in myself.
• 6:48
  Speaker 3: And I think that's very very common.
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: I know, at least you know the parents that I
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: talk to, it's very common we ignore those little blinking
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: lights on our dashboard that are saying like, hey, I'm
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: not really doing well right, and we'll talk about what
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: those are. But for me, I thought I was doing
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: well till I wasn't. And then it was like every
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: little thing felt like too much right. And then I realized, like, oh,
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: I have gone beyond like what a normal like, well
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: beyond what a normal capacity should be. And now I
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: really have to start looking at why am I not
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: resourcing myself? Because it wasn't necessarily a matter of I
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: can't resource myself, but I had some pretty strong part
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: of that internal strength in me is a little bit
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: fiercely independent, not wanting to ask for help, because maybe
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: you've experienced shame in that area, right, Like maybe you
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: have in laws that don't understand you, or they don't
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: understand what's happening with your kids, so they're not going
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: to step in and help. Maybe you are tapped out
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: of financial resources, right, and so that prevents you from
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: or it feels like a very legitimate obstacle, right. So
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: for me, I very much learned the hard way of
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: like massive burnout that showed up as you know, lots
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: of physical health issues. My gut was a mess, my
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: hormones went whack a doodle crazy, which could have been
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: a little bit of perimenopause, could have been probably the
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: combination of both, and I just fell apart, like my
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: whole body was just like yeah, girl, we're done, Like
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: you can't keep going at this rate. So now I'm
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: a lot more strategic with myself, and I'm a lot
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: more strategic with parents and helping them to identify what's
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: the one thing you can do today It may not
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: feel like enough, Like we're not trying to eat the
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: whole elephant in a day.
• 8:38
  Speaker 3: Right.
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  Speaker 1: It's the metaphor is how do you eat an elephant
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: one bite at a time. Terrible metaphor, I know, but
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: like it gets the picture across, right, it does.
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  Speaker 3: And so what's the.
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  Speaker 1: One thing that I can do today? And for me,
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: that meant really kind of getting over myself for lack
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: of a better word, and learning to ask for help
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: and learning to advocate for myself in a different way.
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: Doing some of the things that I felt like felt
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: like privileges almost, like moving finances around to go to therapy, right,
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: or making sure that I was going for walks every
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: day or three times a week so that I got
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: breaks from my child, right. Those felt like luxuries and
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: I had to learn that they actually were not luxuries,
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: like they were lifelines. And so yeah, so I learned
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: the hard way, and now I'm a lot more strategic
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: about preventing because I've experienced the extreme end of that
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: burnout state, right of having difficulty getting out of bed
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: in the morning and having no energy for anything, and
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: a lot of health issues that came from that.
• 9:40
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 9:41
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I was struggling for a while with my health
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: and it took I think it was three years and
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: seven doctors to get a diagnosis of fibromyalgia. And the
• 9:56
  Speaker 2: way that we finally figured it out was every time
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: there was this stressor, like a big stressor I was
• 10:02
  Speaker 2: in pain. Yeah, it, but it helped me to recognize
• 10:08
  Speaker 2: how important self care is and that self care isn't
• 10:12
  Speaker 2: like taking a vacation or getting a massage. Self care
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: is being able to manage stressors without them tearing us apart. Absolutely, yes,
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  Speaker 2: And that is a totally different picture than what we're
• 10:30
  Speaker 2: typically talking about when we talk about self care exactly.
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: And so I think this conversation is so so important
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: because there are all sorts of different physical things. Do
• 10:40
  Speaker 2: you want to name some of the more common physical ailments,
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: I'll call them, for lack of a better word, Yeah,
• 10:47
  Speaker 2: that can come from chronic stress.
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: Absolutely, I would say for women, but obviously mothers, especially
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: difficulty sleeping. That is a big sign that your stress system,
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: your nervous system is disregulated, because we digest our day
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: while we're sleeping, not just literally but emotionally as well,
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: and so we don't recognize that we're you know how
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: I spent my day, meaning I didn't eat regular meals, right,
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: even if it was a snack of protein, right, I
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: didn't get enough water in. That's going to spill into
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: your nighttime. Right. And so a lot of times women
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: will come to me like what supplement should I take
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: for sleep? And my first question is what does your
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: day look like? And they get confused because they're like, wait,
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: I asked you, like, what supplement I should take for sleep?
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: I'm like, well, I got to know some things first, right. So,
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: sleep disregulation is a big one. Waking up that three
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: am heart racing, like feeling sweaty, kind of panicky feeling
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: that's not usually just anxiety. Usually that's also a cortisol
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: slash blood sugar dysregulation issue. Fatigue that's another big one
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: where you because you're not sleeping well, you wake up
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: not feeling rested, and then by two or three in
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: the afternoon you are completely done for right, which is
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: like when your kids are getting home from school and
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: their second wave of intensity is hitting, right, So it's
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: like the worst time you've got to be on and
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: you can't be because you're exhausted. And that's when you know,
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: we feel guilty because we're snapping or we're irritable, and
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: it's because our body is sending up these cues. Digestive
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: issues is another really really big one. I see a
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: lot of women with heartburn, reflux, bloating in gas, constipation.
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: Those are really common signs that you may not think
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: are connected, but they absolutely are connected to you know,
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: if you are in stress, your digestive system, because of
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: how it's connected to the vagus nerve, is going to
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: be the first thing that's impacted. And I know for me,
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: like I ignored a lot of signs of digestive issues
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: not until it was too late. It wasn't too late,
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: but it was like it took so much work to
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: come back from that, and that was just you know,
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: I was like, yeah, that was seven years of the
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: most intense stress I've ever had in my life. And
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: so I would say those are the three big ones.
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: There are some subtle things that we can see on
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: blood work too that can tell us, you know, that
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: somebody is really living in more of a chronic state
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: of fight or flight, but symptom presentation wise, those are
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: I would say the big three.
• 13:28
  Speaker 2: And can it also affect things like our cardiac health
• 13:32
  Speaker 2: or things like that. Let's talk some about cortisol. Yeah,
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: because we see the term cortisol all over the place
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: now and I think it's really important to understand what
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: cortisol is what role it's playing so that we know
• 13:49
  Speaker 2: what to do with this information that we're getting, yeah,
• 13:52
  Speaker 2: or that we're hearing like little snippets.
• 13:54
  Speaker 3: Right. Yeah.
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: So cortisol is it's a hormone produced by your adrenal gland,
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: so just sits right on top of your kidneys. There
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: are these two little walnut shaped organs that just sit
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: right on the top of your kidneys and their job
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: is to I mean, if you think about cortisol, it's
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: a very energizing hormone. It's what controls when you wake up,
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: how you wake up, what your energy peak and dip
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: is throughout the day. It's also you know, if you
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: think of the extreme end of that, it's you know,
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: if you are being chased by a bear, that is
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: what gives you the energy to outrun the bear when
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: you physiologically should not be able to. So so many
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: of us without our own consent, right, we've been thrown
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: into this world of special needs parenting or parenting a
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: child with difficulties. You're in a caregiver role now that
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: you didn't sign up for. And that's what allows us
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: to step into that place and survive the initial stages, right.
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: But then what happens after that, If we don't ever
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: come out of that chronic release of cortisol where the
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: body's like, we're in survival mode. We've got to keep
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: releasing this energy because she needs it to survive. If
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: we don't ever come out of that, then what happens
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: is we specifically for women, the pattern I see the
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: most often is not high cortisol. It's low, like you've
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: bottomed out completely. The symptoms look very similar, which is
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: why blood work and you're intestine can be really helpful
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: to help us identify like are we in a high
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: pattern or a low pattern, because that changes how we
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: treat the symptoms. This is what I had seen anecdotally
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: in my practice over the last seven years, was like
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: everybody's bottomed out in their cortisol, and yet they think
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: they have high cortisol because the symptoms kind of mirror
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: each other. But that's what the research shows. The research
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: shows that caregiver stress that burnout looks different physiologically. It
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: tends to not be high cortisol. It tends to be low.
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: But then what happens is paradoxical, meaning that you're in
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: that low cortisol state and then because you're low, your
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: body will you use its last resources to dump out more,
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: and so you'll have these like spurts of high cortisol,
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: which is that three am wake up, right, that's like
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: your heart's racing very much. Can mimic cardiovascular changes. This
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: is why women a lot of times end up in
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: the er thinking they're having a heart attack when they're not.
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: It's a panic attack, but it's driven by cortisol. Right.
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: So it is complex. If it sounds overwhelming, that's because
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: it is that complex and it is very nuanced. But
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: I would say for most caregivers, the pattern that I
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: see is that low cortisol because you've been so depleted
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: for such a long time, and so understanding that does
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: actually help us to know where we need to start
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: in helping somebody to regain some function of their adrenal
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: glands and keeping their cortisol from wigging out all of
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: the time. For lack of a better word, I was like,
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: the I had the worst cortisol dumps. Oh my god,
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: it was awful, And so I'm like, I don't ever
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: want to go to that place ever again. Yeah, if
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: that means I have to slow down a lot, then
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: I will because that's miserable.
• 17:19
  Speaker 2: I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around cortosol
• 17:23
  Speaker 2: being low when you have chronic stress. Yep, what am
• 17:28
  Speaker 2: I missing? Like I feel like, wouldn't it be dumping
• 17:32
  Speaker 2: cortosol constantly right and would not make it high?
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: You would think so, And it is confusing, And I
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: wish I had like a graph to visually show people,
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: because it does make more sense when you see it
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: kind of in a pattern. We all have a baseline
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: cortisol production that we should be in, right, like this
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: medium range if you think about it like this For
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: those of you that are watching, and I'm just kind
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: of making a graph with my hand, it's very rudimentary,
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: not exciting at all. We all should be within this range.
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: But when your cortisol, when you have this bucket of
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: cortisol that your body can tap into because it requires resources, right,
• 18:11
  Speaker 1: it requires nutrients to make that hormone in the body,
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: b vitamins, zinc, magnesium, glucose, all of that's needed to
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: be able to produce cortisol. Well. When we're under stressed,
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: we're typically under eating or we're eating foods that aren't
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: super nourishing because we're stressed right, and so then we're
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: not getting those nutrients to be adrenal glands to then
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: be able to produce adequate amounts of cortisol. So what
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: I typically see is more like a flatline. When we
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: actually do the testing, we'll just see a flat line
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: where there's not a whole lot of cortisol production throughout
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: the day at all, but there will be like a
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: little bump at three o'clock in the morning where it's like, Hey,
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: we're just gonna shoot this woman awake and make her
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: lay in bed sweating and feeling miserable for an hour.
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: And so it is paradox and it is confusing, which
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: is why I definitely recommend, especially for women over the
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: age of thirty five, if you're experiencing those symptoms, don't
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: assume that it's high cortisol. It very likely, and I
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: would say most likely would be more of a low
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: cortisol picture, which requires a very different approach to resolving that.
• 19:21
  Speaker 2: Wow, gotcha, and what does that affect? Like, I know
• 19:26
  Speaker 2: that every chemical in the body doesn't just do one thing.
• 19:29
  Speaker 2: It affects other things as well. So are there like
• 19:32
  Speaker 2: symptoms that parents could see in themselves that might be
• 19:38
  Speaker 2: identifying that they have low or high cortosol that that
• 19:43
  Speaker 2: system is sort of out of whack.
• 19:45
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: Absolutely, I would say it does range there. I would
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: say well over fifty different symptoms that somebody could experience.
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: Some people experience it like shaking, like that angry feeling
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: when you get when your blood sugar is low. That's
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: because cortisol coming in to rescue the low blood sugar,
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: so that like shaky, jittery feeling. It can feel like
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: passing out, like that right before you pass out feeling
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: where you're like a little bit woozy. That's some cortisol dysregulation.
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: I do have some clients that experience like dry throat
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: where their their throat feels really parched and dry. They'll
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: feel that like sensation to gulp. A lot a lot
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: of people do experience like abdominal tightness where they just
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: feel jittery, stressed, tight in their belly. That's a big one.
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: And then when we have those symptoms continue to grow,
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: that will start to see like physical appearance changes. So
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: we might notice puffiness in our hands or our face
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: because we're retaining water to help dilute that cortisol. There's
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: you know a physiologic response to that weight gain around
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: the belly. That's a very common one for women. I
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: mean it's hard to differentiate that from like what's perimenopause,
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: what's cortisol, But they go.
• 20:57
  Speaker 3: Hand in hand, right, we all overlap.
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: Yeah, they do us, right, But there is some physical
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: appearance changes for a lot of women. It can range
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: from you know, anxiety, heart palpitations, racing thoughts that like
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: racing thought you know, your brain just won't shut up,
• 21:15
  Speaker 1: to just feeling very flat and fatigued. So there are
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: you know, if you were to google high cortisol symptoms,
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: you would get a long list, which is why testing
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: can be helpful in helping us identify what pattern exactly
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: are we looking at and what system are we looking
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: at because court is all it's I think about it
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: like a rescue hormone. Its job is to provide us
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: the quick energy that we need to rescue us from
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: a stressor right. But when we live in that state
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: all the time, it actually can become quite toxic to
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: the body. And that's where we start to see that
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: chronic impact on all of the systems.
• 21:54
  Speaker 2: Yeah, what else do we need to know about chronic
• 21:57
  Speaker 2: stress and our physical health.
• 21:59
  Speaker 3: Oh gosh, what else do we need to know?
• 22:02
  Speaker 2: Many things? I'm sure many things.
• 22:03
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: I think what I would say is kind of going
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: back to what you were saying about self care. I
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: used to like it felt like a four letter word
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: to me, Like if I hear one more person tell
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: how much I need to take care of myself? Okay,
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: well are you going to come over and clean my house?
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: Because my kid was having a meltdown for five hours? Like,
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: you know, It's like it just felt like this, like
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: how do we even you know? I think the reality
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: is that when you are a caregiver, regardless of the circumstances,
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: when you're not getting to parent your child the way
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: that you would if they were not struggling whatever, that
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: struggle looks like, the burden for you is greater, which
• 22:44
  Speaker 1: means that you have to change the way you think
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: about your life and your stressors.
• 22:49
  Speaker 3: That means that I.
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: Have to create some sort of room in my life
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: to manage that and create windows or margins or buffers.
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: I don't have the option not to like that. That
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: is the thing I tell parents all the time. You
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: have to flip how you think about this. This is
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: no longer a when my child is better, I can
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: x Y and Z or I will eat better, I
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: will take care of myself. It means we have to
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: do something about it now before this becomes a bigger problem.
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: And I remember one day I just kind of decided.
• 23:22
  Speaker 1: And this might sound mean unless you have a child,
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: like a child that struggles.
• 23:27
  Speaker 3: Like mine, you'll understand.
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: She used to have the worst, like sensory meltdowns around food,
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: which was like, you're supposed to rest and digest when
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: you're eating, right, Like rest and digest. Okay, well, it's
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: really hard to rest and digest when your kid is
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: screaming in your face while you're trying to, you know,
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: eat a meal. And so I just decided one day
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: I was going to let her throw the fit, and
• 23:47
  Speaker 1: I was going to eat my meal, and I was
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: going to reassure her I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere,
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: but I do need to eat my food, because what
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: I was doing was I was skipping meals because they
• 23:57
  Speaker 1: were so stressful. And then you know, kind of not
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: not clinically binging, but basically like binging later because I
• 24:05
  Speaker 1: was so hungry, and that was creating, you know, just
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: a lot of issues in my body. And so the
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: reason I'm sharing that with you is that sometimes we
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: have to do extreme things because our situation is more extreme.
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: It's not the average, right, And so that means that
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: I have to create boundaries internally and externally to manage that.
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: And so I think that's what I would say is
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: the chronic stress is not going to go away until
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: we learn how to manage this differently. And that looks
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: like resourcing ourselves, you know, advocating for help for us
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: just as much as we're advocating for help for our
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: child in all of the avenues that we're doing that
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: with their doctors, their teachers, their friends. Right, how many of.
• 24:47
  Speaker 3: Us are actually doing that for ourselves? Not many, And we.
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: Don't think about that as being you know, two or
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: three pretty significant layers to burn out, right, is that
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: we're outsourcing all of this, all of us to help
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: our child, and we're forgetting that we also need that
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: help to mm hm.
• 25:05
  Speaker 2: And I think mental health is also a big layer
• 25:09
  Speaker 2: absolute that will affect our physical health. I know, for
• 25:12
  Speaker 2: me figuring out how to manage my stress, like I
• 25:16
  Speaker 2: kept going to all these doctors and they kept saying,
• 25:17
  Speaker 2: all your tests are fine, and you know, you just
• 25:20
  Speaker 2: need to reduce your stress. That's what they would to
• 25:23
  Speaker 2: reduce your stress. And I'm like, how am I going
• 25:26
  Speaker 2: to do that? Like, I you know, I didn't understand
• 25:29
  Speaker 2: that I could work on my mindset, I could work
• 25:31
  Speaker 2: on my own anxiety. I could work on things that
• 25:35
  Speaker 2: would affect the way that I felt about the stressors, yes,
• 25:40
  Speaker 2: so that maybe they wouldn't stress me as much. Like
• 25:43
  Speaker 2: the example that you gave with your daughter and saying, Okay,
• 25:48
  Speaker 2: this is our reality right now that sensory issues, sensory
• 25:53
  Speaker 2: struggles are going to make meal time really difficult for her,
• 25:58
  Speaker 2: But I still need to eat and I can't engage
• 26:01
  Speaker 2: in that sort of intensity with her. And that's stress management, right, Like,
• 26:08
  Speaker 2: that's what we need to but that's also working on our
• 26:11
  Speaker 2: own mental health. We have to get to a place
• 26:14
  Speaker 2: where we can accept that it's okay to do that,
• 26:17
  Speaker 2: that we can actually really live it. Because I could say, well,
• 26:22
  Speaker 2: I'm just going to let this thing happen because it's
• 26:24
  Speaker 2: going to happen anyway. I'm going to take care of myself.
• 26:26
  Speaker 2: I could still really be stressing internally. You know, there's
• 26:30
  Speaker 2: more to it that we really have to work on.
• 26:33
  Speaker 2: But I think that mental health piece is a huge
• 26:36
  Speaker 2: part of our physical health, and we tend to separate
• 26:40
  Speaker 2: them too much. So I just wanted to add that
• 26:43
  Speaker 2: layer to you because for me, it was really I
• 26:46
  Speaker 2: had to figure out my mindset to manage my stress.
• 26:50
  Speaker 2: That was the only thing I was going to be
• 26:51
  Speaker 2: able to do successfully to reduce the stress as they
• 26:55
  Speaker 2: were telling me to do. And it took me years
• 26:58
  Speaker 2: to figure that out. I don't tell you that part, right,
• 27:01
  Speaker 2: you know, to send you away and say you're fine,
• 27:04
  Speaker 2: reduce your stress, something like, yeah, okay, you're not helping.
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: Well, what does that look like in this situation? And
• 27:10
  Speaker 1: it is so different for you know, I would say
• 27:13
  Speaker 1: from family to family, but even family member to family member, right, Like,
• 27:18
  Speaker 1: there was a period of time where my daughter did
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: so much better just eating her food in her room.
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: And if I had held so firmly to this belief
• 27:29
  Speaker 1: that families eat together and that's how health happens, which
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: is kind of how I was raised, right, I think
• 27:37
  Speaker 1: is wonderful, right, and now we do get to eat
• 27:39
  Speaker 1: family meals together, But there was a period of time
• 27:42
  Speaker 1: where that was costing me so much more. In this
• 27:46
  Speaker 1: you know stress area than it was to just let
• 27:50
  Speaker 1: her eat in her room and like, come, come and
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: join us when you're ready. You know, we're here if
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: you need us. You're being well fed, she's being well
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: cared for. Nobody's being neglected. Everybody gets to eat a
• 28:00
  Speaker 1: meal in peace. That is the goal, right. So, but
• 28:04
  Speaker 1: it did mean shifting my mindset, and that is you know,
• 28:08
  Speaker 1: I think that's where we struggle a lot and not
• 28:10
  Speaker 1: even realizing maybe where our mental health is being impacted,
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: because it feels so in so many areas it's being impacted. Right.
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: It's financial, it's emotional, it's in your marriage relationship, it's
• 28:24
  Speaker 1: in your relationship with your other children and how they're
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: being impacted by what's happening.
• 28:28
  Speaker 3: In the family.
• 28:29
  Speaker 1: And so that's what feels unescapable. But I think you
• 28:33
  Speaker 1: nailed it with the I can work on myself. I
• 28:36
  Speaker 1: can go to therapy. I can work on how I
• 28:39
  Speaker 1: think about these things. I can work on how I
• 28:41
  Speaker 1: process these things. I can go for a five minute walk.
• 28:45
  Speaker 1: I can yank weeds in the yard and throw them
• 28:49
  Speaker 1: somewhere to get my anger out, you know, like any
• 28:53
  Speaker 1: of those things are appropriate stress management, and it goes beyond.
• 28:58
  Speaker 3: Like you said, just manage your stress.
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: Okay, Well, if I had a magic wand and I
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: could just get rid of my stress, yeah, we'd have
• 29:05
  Speaker 1: done that. I would have figured that out already. I'm
• 29:07
  Speaker 1: not you know, none of us are unintelligent here. So yeah, yeah,
• 29:12
  Speaker 1: you nailed.
• 29:13
  Speaker 3: It with that.
• 29:13
  Speaker 2: And there's just a separation like I'm going to MDS
• 29:18
  Speaker 2: for my physical wellness. Yes, and they never suggested maybe
• 29:23
  Speaker 2: you should speak to a therapist. Maybe there's you know,
• 29:27
  Speaker 2: other components.
• 29:28
  Speaker 1: Now.
• 29:28
  Speaker 2: I probably would have felt like I was being gaslighted
• 29:30
  Speaker 2: if they had just said talk to a therapist, because
• 29:33
  Speaker 2: I would have felt like they were saying it was
• 29:35
  Speaker 2: all in my head. But yes, they weren't connecting that
• 29:41
  Speaker 2: for me, and so it was really difficult to get
• 29:44
  Speaker 2: there on my own. I know there's so much more
• 29:46
  Speaker 2: that people can learn from you, Andrea. We have barely
• 29:49
  Speaker 2: scratched the surface of this conversation. Where can they find
• 29:52
  Speaker 2: you online so that they can connect and learn more?
• 29:55
  Speaker 1: Yes, so I hope we get to chat more. This
• 29:57
  Speaker 1: was a really fun conversation of places you can find me.
• 30:01
  Speaker 1: I'm on Instagram. My handle is at abundant Wellness with Andrea.
• 30:05
  Speaker 1: I also have a private channel on there just for
• 30:09
  Speaker 1: parents of special needs kids, where we have you know,
• 30:11
  Speaker 1: different conversations in there that are really enriching. I would
• 30:14
  Speaker 1: say that's probably the easiest place to find me. You
• 30:17
  Speaker 1: can certainly shoot me an email. It's Andrea at Abundant
• 30:21
  Speaker 1: Wellness with Andrea dot com. I'm also on YouTube, but
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: it's kind of just a longer conversation of what I
• 30:28
  Speaker 1: share on Instagram. So however you want to find me
• 30:31
  Speaker 1: all all three of those places are good, and.
• 30:34
  Speaker 2: I'll link everything up in the show notes for folks too,
• 30:36
  Speaker 2: which is at PARENTINGADHD and autism dot com. Thank you
• 30:40
  Speaker 2: for being here, Thank you for being real with Thanks
• 30:43
  Speaker 2: for having me this experience, because I think it's so
• 30:46
  Speaker 2: important that we are speaking the truth for parents and
• 30:51
  Speaker 2: not sugarcoating it and not saying, you know, if you
• 30:54
  Speaker 2: just change your diet and it will all be great,
• 30:56
  Speaker 2: or if you just exercise more everything, I'll be fine, right,
• 30:59
  Speaker 2: Like yeah, getting to the real nitty gritty of it
• 31:03
  Speaker 2: and that acceptance that it is more of a struggle,
• 31:07
  Speaker 2: so I really appreciate that.
• 31:08
  Speaker 3: Well, thank you, Penny, thank you for having me.
• 31:10
  Speaker 2: Of course I will see everybody next time, take good care.
• 31:15
  Speaker 2: I see you. You're doing hard and meaningful work, and
• 31:19
  Speaker 2: you don't have to do it alone. If you found
• 31:21
  Speaker 2: this episode helpful, share it with someone who needs it
• 31:24
  Speaker 2: and leave a quick review so others can find this
• 31:27
  Speaker 2: support too. When you're ready for next steps, the Regulated
• 31:31
  Speaker 2: Kids Project is here with the tools, coaching, and community
• 31:36
  Speaker 2: to help you raise a more regulated, resilient child. Get
• 31:40
  Speaker 2: more info at regulated kids dot com