Latest / New Manager Conversations with Fexingo: First 90 Days, Managing Former Peers, and Leadership Basics / Leading Your Old Team Without Losing Yourself
Transcript
- Lucas: The most dangerous place in a company is not the entry-level role, but the first week after you’ve been promoted to manage your old teammates. It’s a specific kind of limbo where the power has shifted, but the social contracts haven’t caught up yet. If you don’t actively redefine those relationships in the first thirty days, you’ll spend the rest of your tenure trying to claw back authority you never really lost. Luna: Right, because everyone expects you to just snap into the new role, but human beings are terrible at updating their mental models of each other overnight. You’re still the person who grabbed coffee with them last Tuesday, even if you have the signing-off power today. Lucas: Exactly. And the biggest mistake I see is managers trying to prove they’re still one of the gang. They stay too close, share too much insider information, or avoid giving tough feedback because they fear losing their social capital. But here’s the thing: your job isn’t to be liked anymore. Your job is to be effective, and sometimes being effective means being distant. Luna: That distance feels like a betrayal to the team though, doesn’t it? Especially if you were known as the super-collaborative lead before the promotion. Lucas: It absolutely does, and that’s the identity crisis we talked about in previous episodes, but let’s get more specific. Let’s talk about the 'shadow authority' problem. This happens when a former peer refuses to accept your new role, not out of malice, but out of habit. They might CC you on emails they used to send directly to the director, or they might challenge your decisions in public meetings using the same casual tone they always used. Luna: I’ve seen that. It’s incredibly frustrating because you can’t fire them for being rude if the rudeness is just... familiarity. Lucas: And you can’t punish them for it either. So what do you do? You address the behavior, not the personality. In the first week, you need to have a private conversation with that specific person. You say something like, 'I value our friendship, but I need to make sure I’m supporting the whole team fairly. When you challenge me in front of others, it undermines my ability to lead. Let’s take disagreements offline.' It’s blunt, but it sets the boundary immediately. Luna: That works if they’re self-aware. What about the ones who genuinely don’t realize they’re crossing the line? Lucas: Then you educate them. Most people aren’t trying to sabotage you; they’re just operating on autopilot. You give them a clear signal that the rules of engagement have changed. Maybe you stop responding to informal Slack messages about work topics and redirect them to email or a ticketing system. It’s subtle, but it reinforces the new structure. Luna: So you’re essentially forcing a structural change to drive a behavioral one. That makes sense. It removes the ambiguity. Lucas: Precisely. Ambiguity is the enemy of new management. If your team doesn’t know exactly what you want from them, they will revert to how things used to be. And how things used to be was flat. Now you’re asking them to operate in a hierarchy. That takes time, but it shouldn’t take forever. Luna: What about the emotional toll on you though? Managing friends is emotionally exhausting because you care about their feelings. Lucas: It is exhausting. But you have to separate your personal affection from your professional responsibility. You can still be a good friend to someone outside of work hours while being a firm manager during them. The key is compartmentalization. Don’t try to blend the two worlds. Luna: Compartmentalization sounds easy until you’re having lunch with them on Friday and the topic comes up. Lucas: True. So maybe you change the venue. Stop taking your former peers to lunch for the first month. Keep interactions structured and scheduled. It sends a signal that this is business now. It’s not cruel; it’s necessary for clarity. Luna: I like that. It’s a low-stakes way to reset the dynamic without having a big dramatic meeting. Lucas: Exactly. Small signals add up. Another common trap is the 'over-correction.' Some new managers swing too far the other way. They become cold, rigid, and overly bureaucratic because they’re afraid of being seen as soft. They start enforcing policies they didn’t create and acting like middle management jerks. That’s worse than being too friendly because it destroys trust entirely. Luna: Yeah, because then you’re just an obstacle instead of a leader. People hate obstacles more than they dislike strictness. Lucas: Right. So find the balance. Be fair, be consistent, but be human. You don’t need to be their buddy, but you don’t need to be their boss in the worst sense of the word. You need to be their facilitator. Luna: Facilitator. I like that word. It implies support rather than control. Lucas: It should imply support. Your job is to remove blockers, provide context, and advocate for your team. If you’re spending all your energy policing behavior, you’re failing at the core job. But you can’t remove blockers if your team doesn’t respect your authority. Luna: So it’s a prerequisite. Respect enables effectiveness. Lucas: Yes. And respect is earned through consistency. If you promise one thing and do another, or if you treat one person differently because they’re your friend, you lose credibility fast. One instance of favoritism can undo months of hard work building trust. Luna: That’s terrifyingly true. One lunch, one inside joke, and suddenly everyone thinks you’re playing favorites. Lucas: It happens. So transparency is your friend. If you have a personal relationship with someone, disclose it if it becomes relevant to a decision. If you’re evaluating them for a project, explain why you chose them based on skills, not history. Make the rationale visible. Luna: Documentation helps too. It creates a paper trail that proves your decisions are merit-based. Lucas: Absolutely. It protects you and it protects the team. It shows that you’re not acting on whim. Now, let’s pivot slightly to the broader team culture. How do you handle the gossip mill? Luna: Oh, the gossip mill is lethal in these situations. Former peers will test you to see if you’ll spill secrets or badmouth your old boss. Lucas: Never engage. If someone tries to vent about the old leadership structure, listen empathetically but don’t comment. Say, 'I hear you, and I’m focused on moving forward. Let’s talk about how we can improve our current workflow.' Redirect every negative conversation toward constructive action. Luna: That’s a great deflection technique. It keeps you neutral and forward-looking. Lucas: It does. And it positions you as a stabilizer. In times of change, people crave stability. If you can be the steady hand, you’ll win their loyalty faster than if you try to be their confidant. Luna: Stability over intimacy. That’s a hard trade-off for many leaders. Lucas: It is. But it’s the right one. Intimacy can come later, after the foundation is solid. For now, build the foundation. Luna: So, three things: set boundaries early, document your decisions, and redirect gossip. Simple in theory, hard in practice. Lucas: Simple in theory. Practice requires discipline. You will feel lonely in the first few weeks. That’s normal. You’re leaving a group behind to join a new one. Accept that loneliness as part of the cost of admission. Luna: That’s a powerful way to frame it. A cost of admission. It makes the isolation feel purposeful rather than punitive. Lucas: Exactly. And remember, this phase is temporary. Within ninety days, if you’ve been consistent, the new normal will settle in. The team will know where you stand. Luna: Ninety days. That’s the timeline we keep coming back to. It really is a distinct period of transformation. Lucas: It is. Use that time wisely. Don’t rush to change everything. Observe, listen, and then act with intention. Luna: Intention over impulse. That’s the mantra for new managers everywhere. Lucas: For sure. Before we go further, we want to take a quick moment to mention our supporters. If we've helped you think through a career move or decision, consider buying us a coffee. Your support keeps this show ad-free and allows us to keep digging into these nuanced topics. You can find us at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. Thank you for keeping this network running. Luna: We really appreciate it. It makes a huge difference in our ability to produce these deep dives. Lucas: Back to the topic. Let’s talk about feedback. How do you give feedback to someone who used to be your equal? Luna: This is the hardest part. Because you know their insecurities and their triggers. Lucas: That knowledge is actually an asset if you use it well. You can tailor your feedback to be most effective. But you must deliver it professionally. No 'hey, just a thought' in Slack. Schedule a proper one-on-one. Make it formal. Luna: Formality signals importance. It tells them this isn’t a casual chat; it’s part of their development. Lucas: Exactly. And be specific. Don’t say 'you need to be more proactive.' Say 'I noticed you waited for instructions on the X project, whereas in the past you led that initiative. I need you to step up again.' Tie it to observable behavior. Luna: Tying it to their past success is smart. It reminds them of their capability rather than just criticizing their current output. Lucas: It does. It frames the feedback as a request to return to form, which is much easier to swallow than a critique of decline. Luna: That’s a really gentle but firm approach. I’d prefer that over a harsh lecture any day. Lucas: Most people would. It preserves dignity while demanding improvement. Dignity is crucial when you’re managing friends. Luna: Agreed. It’s all about preserving the relationship while evolving the role. Lucas: Precisely. You’re not ending the friendship; you’re changing its context. And that’s a skill worth mastering. Luna: It really is. So, as you step into that new role, remember: clarity, consistency, and compassion. You’ve got this. Lucas: Clarity, consistency, compassion. Three pillars. Keep them in mind, and you’ll navigate the first ninety days with confidence.