Latest / How Not To Give Up with Kathy Tulley / My Hopeful Spark Is Tired. Not Gone.

Transcript

My Hopeful Spark Is Tired. Not Gone. · How Not To Give Up with Kathy Tulley

• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Everything gonna be alright, alright, everything gonna be alright, alright, everything to ask you a question.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever felt like a part of you had gone missing?
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: Not physically missing, I mean the part of you that gets excited about things, the part that gets curious, that laughs, that plays, that sees something interesting, goes, ooh, what's that?
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: That little spark inside you.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you remember what it felt like to be excited about something, to get lost in something just because you enjoyed it.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: But lately, maybe you've been so busy getting through the days that you haven't felt much about at all.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're sort of wondering, where did that part of me go?
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I want to tell you a story.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: Because I had an experience that reminded me of something I think we sometimes forget.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: Just because you can't feel your spark right now doesn't necessarily mean it's gone.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's just tired.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Hell Not to Give Up.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: I'm really glad you're here.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: My hope is that by the end of our time together, you'll be remembering a little bit more of who you are.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: Earlier this year, I spent quite a lot of while in the hospital healing.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: And let me tell you about something about healing.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's boring.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, seriously.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: We talked about healing like it's this wonderful, uplifting journey where every day you're getting stronger and stronger.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: You can just see the progress.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you can, but sometimes you wake up and you're still healing.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: You do your exercises, you stretch, you drink your water, you eat the best food you can, you rest, you sleep, you let people take care of you.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: And you wake up the next day and you're still healing.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I was making progress.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: Really, I was, but it was slower than I wanted.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted it stronger.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to be able to do more things for myself.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: And poison, I want to go home.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the thing: there are parts of my recovery I could participate in.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: I could make sure I drink enough water, I could eat, I could do the movement of physical therapy that was appropriate for me.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: I could rest.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: Those things mattered.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: But I couldn't control how quickly my body healed.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: I couldn't just say, okay, buddy, we've been doing this long enough, wrap it up.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: Wouldn't that be nice?
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: And being the hospital meant that even ordinary things weren't always up to me.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: At home, if I want something from the kitchen, I go get it.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: In the hospital, I often had to ask somebody and wait.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: And wait.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: And more waiting.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: There were schedules and routines and people helping things.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: I was used to deciding for myself.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: I was grateful for the care very much.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: But I was also frustrated.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: I like having choices.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: I like deciding what I'm gonna do, when I'm gonna do it.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: I like making things happen.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: And suddenly so much of my day was about waiting.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: Waiting for help, waiting for the next step, waiting for my body to heal, waiting for the progress to become something I can actually see.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever been there?
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe not in the hospital.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you've been working on something for weeks or months, and you're doing everything you know to do.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: Results just aren't showing up yet.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: And you're thinking, come on already.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: That's where I was.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: I was doing the work, I feel sick.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I've loved creating art for a long time, but there's something you should know about me.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: I was never especially interested in pastels.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: I was an amazing artist.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: This woman could practically draw anything.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: She was so good drawing.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: Honestly, almost intimidatingly good.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: The things she could do with pastels, amazing.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: I love watching what she could do with those pastels.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: The chalk pastels, they just look messy.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: They seemed too much like drawing for me.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm much more comfortable with paint and my brush.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: So somewhere along the way, I pretty much decided that pastels weren't my thing.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: Which is funny because I hadn't actually given myself any of a chance to find out.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: But while I was in the hospital, I decided to keep back into making art.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: I thought of the experiment.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: I looked at the art supply book box, and the only thing in there was a box of chalk pep cells.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: The only thing that looked interesting.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: So I decided to experiment.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: And ooh, they were interesting because you could blend colors in amazing ways.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: You could start with that soft powdered pigment and create these beautiful gradients and blending.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: Colors could merge one to the other.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: You can move around, discover combinations you hadn't expected.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: It was different from painting.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: Not better, just different.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I was fascinated.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: I started discovering things I hadn't known as materials could do.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: And then, oh, I discovered oil pastels.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: Now we're talking.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: Because oil pastels had some of the things I loved about painting: the rich colors, the vibrancy, the way you could blend color and blend blend it and build it.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: But I was working on something I just held right in my hand, and I had more control.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: I had this wonderful sense of control over where the color went, how or later, how I blended it.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: It was familiar and completely different at the same time.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I loved it.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: I loved experimenting.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: I loved seeing what happened when I tried something new.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: I love watching an idea turn to something right in front of me.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I love the colors.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: But here's what I didn't fully realize at first.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: Something much bigger was happening than learning to use a new art medium.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: Remember how I said so much of my time in the hospital is about waiting, waiting for help, waiting for healing, waiting for progress, and waiting to go home.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: Well, when I picked up those pastels, I wasn't waiting.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: I was doing.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: I could choose what I wanted to create.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: I could choose my colors.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: I could choose what I wanted to try.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: And if I didn't like the way something looked, I could try something else.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: I could experiment.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: I could change my mind.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: I could make a mess.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes those are the best times.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: I could see what happened.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: I had choices, real choices, and I could immediately see the benefits right there in front of me.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: Now, don't misunderstand me.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: I was still in the hospital.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: My body was still healing.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: I still need help with things.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: I still wanted to go home.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: Pastel did magical tail change?
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: Any of that.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: But something had changed inside me.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: Something inside my experience of being there.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: I had something that inspired me.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: It made me happy.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: Something to look forward to.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: And so for all that color experimenting and creating, I had my spark back.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: I felt like me again.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: That's the part of the story I really want you to hear.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: Hadn't stopped being in me while I was healing.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: The curious part, the creative part had disappeared.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: The part that loves discovering things and figuring out how they work, still there.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: But for a while, my days were so focused on recovering.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: Then I found a doorway back, a doorway made of color and chalk dust and oil pastels.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: Who would have thought?
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: I've been thinking about that experience.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: Here's what I keep coming back to.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes when we're going through something difficult, that difficulty starts taking up so much space in our lives it's hard to see anything else.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're dealing with illness or grief, a relationship that's falling apart, your career that's imploding, possibly.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're exhausted from taking care of everybody else.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're trying to rebuild something.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe life has just become one long list of things you have to do.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: And somewhere along the way, the things that made you feel like you have gotten pushed aside.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: Not because you stopped caring about them, but because you're so busy surviving, busy managing, getting through the next thing, the next crisis.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: And when that goes on long enough, more start believing the person needs to be there anymore.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: That the curious, playful, hopeful, grand side of you is gone.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: But what if that's not the whole story?
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: What if that part of you is still there?
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's just been a while since you've had a chance to experience it.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: What if you don't need to become a completely different person?
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: What if all you need is an opportunity to reconnect with something that's already yours?
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: And here's another thing I discovered.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes opportunity doesn't not look like the way you expect.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: I don't return to art by doing exactly what I've already done.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: I tried something I didn't even think I'd like, and it turned out to be something I absolutely loved.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: So maybe there's a possibility for already dismissed.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: Something you assume isn't for you.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: Something you've never tried because the first time you saw someone do it, it was intimidating.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: I can never do that.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe something you used to enjoy could feel different if you approach it in a new way.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not saying it's guaranteed to happen.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm certainly not saying you can solve every difficult situation by picking up an arch supply.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: I am saying this.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: The way things are right now isn't necessarily the full story of who you are.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: You may be tired, you may be discouraged, you may be in a season where your choices feel terribly limited.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: But that doesn't mean everything about you has disappeared.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: The person is still there.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: You are still there.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's about choices.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: Because when you're in a situation where you can't control the big things, it's easy to feel like you don't have control over anything.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: Couldn't choose how fast my body heals, couldn't choose the day I'd be ready to go home.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: But I could choose my colors, I could choose what I wanted to create.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: I could choose experiments.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: And those choices matter to me.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: They didn't fix anything.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: But they reminded me I still had to say in part of my life.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe that's something worth looking for.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: Not some enormous life-changing decision, not a perfect plan to fix everything.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: Just what's one small thing that's still yours to choose?
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's the music you listen to.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's something you want to learn about.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's picking up a pencil and doodling.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's picking up a favorite book and rereading it.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: Or sitting by a window and noticing something beautiful.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's calling someone who makes you laugh.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's deciding to give a weird idea five minutes just to see what happens.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't have to impress anybody.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't have to become a business.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't even have to be useful.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't have to turn out well at all.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: What if you can just enjoy being curious about something?
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: What if you give yourself permission to play?
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're in a place where even that is too much, that's okay.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: This isn't another assignment.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to prove anything.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's simply questions to leave open.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: What is still available to me?
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: What is still mine to choose?
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: You know, when I look back at my time in the hospital, I remember the slow healing.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: I remember the frustration.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: I remember wanting to go home so badly.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: But I also remember those colors.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: I remember experimenting.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: I remember the excitement of doing some discovering I could do something that I never expected to even love.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember that wonderful feeling.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: There I am.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: There I am.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: Me.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: Not a branding me.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: Not a magically healed me, just me.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: Still here.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: Still curious.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: Still capable of finding joy.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: So capable of creating something beautiful.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe that's what I want you to leave you leave you with today.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: If that hopeful spark has been quiet for a while, if you haven't felt like yourself lately, please don't assume that means part of you is gone.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's tired.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's been buried under a whole lot of difficult things.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you hadn't had much room to breathe.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: But what if it's still there?
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: And what if along the way you find a little doorway back to it?
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'll leave you with one more question.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: What's one small thing that makes you feel a little bit more like you?
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to answer anything today.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: Just knows what comes to mind.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: And me look at it with a little wonder.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for spending this time with me.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm really glad you're here.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, remember, you're still here, and that matters.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.