Latest / AWAKEN with Dylan Ayaloo: Inner Work, Healing, Yoga & Meditation / [EP59] Why your clarity feels like rejection.. and how to say it so it lands

Transcript

[EP59] Why your clarity feels like rejection.. and how to say it so it lands · AWAKEN with Dylan Ayaloo: Inner Work, Healing, Yoga & Meditation

• 0:00
  I would say not as in like you know it's your fault or the blame is on you like there's no blame. I just think of generally if you know I'm communicating something to someone or group of people and it doesn't get across like my communication isn't received the way I want it to be received.
• 0:26
  you know so i have a certain message i'm trying to share that message they don't get it obviously
• 0:33
  there's two sides to it but i think one telling thing can be if that happens consistently you
• 0:41
  know or more than one time in you know different kind of scenarios different people who are maybe
• 0:49
  even not related but somehow you know there's a common thread then that to me is a a clue on
• 0:58
  perhaps there's something for me to have a look at I think either way I don't have control of
• 1:07
  the other person or people right so what I have control of is me and in this case you know
• 1:14
  communication rather than you know making it an issue i look at it as you know i try and look at
• 1:23
  it as okay what here one can i learn from and two i can adjust you know or do differently so if it's
• 1:32
  happening in different places and these people don't even know each other but the consistent
• 1:36
  thing is like people don't really understand what i'm saying i don't they don't get it
• 1:41
  that's, you know, that's kind of feedback without the verbal feedback, right? Like people didn't
• 1:47
  come to me and say, you're not being clear, but they're kind of saying it without saying it,
• 1:50
  because it's not quite landing. So I would look at then, yeah, working on, in this case, you know,
• 1:59
  you're talking about clarity, so intended clarity, like the message, you know, going across.
• 2:05
  there is many aspects to it right like so clarity is most of the time or a good chunk of it i would
• 2:13
  say is you know how can i take what i want to share and want to say and say it in the simplest way
• 2:22
  possible right so in let's say if it was on the level of language then you know and this is
• 2:35
  this happens to people who are English speakers as well,
• 2:38
  like native English speakers.
• 2:40
  You know, like we say things in very, like,
• 2:43
  flowery and complex ways sometimes, right?
• 2:46
  Or we just see it in kind of like a long way
• 2:50
  when actually it can be simplified.
• 2:53
  So clarity is simplifying things and making things, you know,
• 2:59
  like they don't have to work for it basically
• 3:01
  because especially, you know, now, today, in our day and age,
• 3:06
  we're so spoiled with so much, well, technology and good things happening around us
• 3:12
  that we don't actually want to think.
• 3:14
  Like, you know, we're used to kind of just like scrolling,
• 3:16
  and then if you don't get the message, you just scroll to the next thing, you know,
• 3:19
  and if that doesn't work, you just scroll to something else that actually captures your attention.
• 3:22
  So we're kind of trained partly by, let's say, you know,
• 3:28
  social media short form content kind of spoils us because whoever has actually put the work in
• 3:32
  to building that content you know they have worked on really landing every single point and every
• 3:38
  single word i think one thing that teaching yoga has taught me is to get clearer and clearer and
• 3:48
  it's not something i'm done yet i'm still learning myself but um i'm always exploring
• 3:54
  because I'm saying the same thing in a yoga class.
• 3:57
  How can I say the same thing in a different way
• 4:01
  but not so much that it's just different
• 4:03
  but in a way that is digestible?
• 4:06
  Like they can take the information
• 4:08
  and so to speak digest it.
• 4:10
  Like they can understand it
• 4:11
  and ideally do something with it like action it.
• 4:14
  So I think one is simplifying.
• 4:19
  Two, I think it can be a practice of
• 4:23
  on the fly here so I haven't gone like research and anything I'm just gonna say what I what's
• 4:27
  coming to me right now taking complex words and making them simpler so one of the things I didn't
• 4:32
  kind of finish before was you know when we're writing or like talking um speaking in a language
• 4:41
  that is you know like a child can understand and that's not looking down on the person that
• 4:46
  you know we are communicating with but I think if the message doesn't quite land then I'm looking at
• 4:51
  I would be looking at how can I say it in a way that maybe a five-year-old or a 10-year-old can understand, assuming it's a topic that is not like an adult topic.
• 5:02
  So in simpler language, clearer language, it's not just about saying less.
• 5:07
  It's about saying the right amount of stuff, not too much, not too little, just the right amount of stuff for it to actually land.
• 5:16
  And if it doesn't, man, then looking at ways of saying the same thing again, but in a different way.
• 5:24
  I've not, you know, done like a speaker training or anything like that.
• 5:30
  It's just all through teaching yoga.
• 5:31
  That's where my practice came from.
• 5:34
  Sometimes it's, you know, using things like stories.
• 5:40
  So, you know, like I'm putting my message into, you know, I'm sharing an example.
• 5:46
  or like a real life, you know, like true story that's actually happening.
• 5:52
  So if I'm speaking to a friend and they don't quite get it,
• 5:55
  then it's like, okay, how can I say this?
• 5:56
  And how can I share like the real experience that I'm having?
• 5:59
  You know, if that's relevant to the conversation.
• 6:02
  But I guess it's a long winded way of me saying,
• 6:06
  I only have control of what I have control of, you know, my side of it.
• 6:09
  So I'm going to put work into my communication.
• 6:12
  and I think we all, whether you're a native speaker in a language or not,
• 6:17
  I mean, language is one part of it,
• 6:19
  but sometimes I find people who are native English speakers,
• 6:22
  it's terrible at actually getting a point across
• 6:25
  because they just flounce around, there's too much happening
• 6:30
  or they just don't say enough at all and it's like, what do you mean?
• 6:34
  So you get the whole kind of spectrum of that.
• 6:37
  So it's not even about being a native speaker,
• 6:39
  but I think clarity is like if my communication wasn't received in the way that I intended like
• 6:46
  my message didn't get across then that's feedback for me to look at how can I communicate it in a
• 6:54
  different way and all the different ways possible for it to actually be received you know I think
• 7:00
  it's in I think it's in NLP like neuro-linguistic programming where they talk about you know the
• 7:07
  communication is it's how it's actually received i don't know the exact quote but like you know it's
• 7:11
  how it's received is feedback on the actual communication so if it's not received well then
• 7:15
  i'm looking at okay what can i bring to you know for it to actually land sometimes you know if it's
• 7:21
  like too long-winded and i'm just going around and around in circles like it takes effort for
• 7:26
  people to try and work out like what the hell is he talking about right and people again as i said
• 7:32
  Like we're trained to be lazy in our brains these days.
• 7:35
  We don't want to do work, right?
• 7:36
  So when it's too much, it'd be like, yeah, just shut down.
• 7:39
  You know, and then they start paying attention to other things.
• 7:41
  And you're like, oh, you're not, you don't care about what I'm talking about.
• 7:45
  And it might not be because they don't care.
• 7:47
  Like they probably do care.
• 7:49
  But, you know, some part of their brain, like they're just trained to switch off, right?
• 7:52
  So it's just too much, too hard.
• 7:53
  I'm just going to like, oh, that's the distraction here.
• 7:55
  Like we're so messable with, you know, we just get distracted so easily.
• 8:01
  you might find you know that can happen and when you talk about connection
• 8:04
  like you know we can lose connection with people or feel like they don't care so therefore the
• 8:09
  connection kind of starts to to dissipate right and and separate over time or or quite instantly
• 8:19
  you're talking about so this results in a loss of connection to a colleague
• 8:22
  i used to have a really good connection with so i think okay if you had a really good connection
• 8:28
  what was it before that allow you to have that connection and what has changed so i would look
• 8:36
  at that as well you know is it something external is it something internal is it something that i
• 8:43
  have control like agency over you know i can influence as in like my own communication
• 8:50
  is it my choice of words is it that um also like we're not just speaking with words right
• 8:58
  words is just part of it it's also non-verbal you know like our body language and us paying
• 9:04
  attention and um us not being like you know like checking out while maybe they're communicating
• 9:12
  um being a really good listener like actually listening twice as much as you know as we speak
• 9:19
  expressing the emotion not just with words you know like here in in the uk people are very good
• 9:25
  at actually saying the words like, oh, you're so wonderful, blah, blah, blah. But like, there's no
• 9:29
  emotion in their face. And I'm not saying you're like this. But that's one example of like not
• 9:34
  showing, you know, we're using our nonverbal, like our body, we're communicating not just with words,
• 9:40
  but with our body as well, you know, our hands, our body language. So all of that helps. Like,
• 9:46
  you know, if I'm if I'm saying like, I'm really excited, you might not believe me that I'm actually
• 9:52
  quite excited or if I'm like yeah I'm really excited about this thing right like that's me
• 9:57
  also using my body to express so making sure that there's a congruence between my words and you know
• 10:04
  my actions as well well my body language but following that you know my actions also match
• 10:10
  so everything is in alignment and things are not what's the word like clashing you know my words
• 10:18
  say something my body language says something else and then my actions are doing something else
• 10:22
  and you're like what's going on so these are all ways of bringing clarity is like
• 10:30
  elements of clarity that there's an alignment between all the parts of my communication
• 10:35
  you know and then actions as well i would say so i'm here with the question again
• 10:42
  so he's saying if people receive my intended clarity as rejection
• 10:47
  is it on me to adjust i would be curious on like how do you know it's a rejection
• 10:54
  um and if they told you or if they communicate it to you i would look at
• 11:00
  okay then how come like i'm not communicate like you know i'm not communicating it as a no
• 11:05
  but you've received it as a no you know if if there is that closeness with that person or people
• 11:11
  I asked them maybe for some feedback like what made you think it was a no you know and they might
• 11:17
  say something that like maybe it's just you didn't consider right and but for them on the receiving
• 11:23
  end it's very obvious you know because it's like it's hitting them that's the communication okay
• 11:28
  she told you that's cool like if she told you then there is some level of openness for them
• 11:36
  to communicate back with you so if there's some level of openness and some kind of level of
• 11:41
  closeness for you to just be able to speak about that stuff i would just ask for more feedback and
• 11:46
  like you know so she said yeah okay i received it as a rejection how come what made you think
• 11:51
  or feel it was you know what about the thing i said or how i said it you know my communication
• 11:57
  sometimes it's as simple as like a facial expression you know your words are saying
• 12:02
  one thing your face is saying something else it's like huh but like what's going on you know
• 12:07
  Like you're not happy.
• 12:07
  It's like, are you not happy with something?
• 12:09
  What's going on?
• 12:11
  So if you have that relatedness, that closeness with that person,
• 12:14
  then it might be worth asking them for some more input.
• 12:19
  Having tried to improve my language and not got feedback.
• 12:23
  Yeah, I think generally most people are not going to risk, you know,
• 12:29
  like don't want to be not nice, you know, so they want to be nice.
• 12:33
  So they'll always try and just say the thing.
• 12:37
  you know like oh yeah no it's fine it's fine but they're actually not saying the truth so very few
• 12:43
  people will actually take the risk you know in our lives to actually say how it is and i think
• 12:48
  that's one of the powerful and beautiful things about our community is that you know the work
• 12:52
  that we do especially in a circle there's a level of honesty about balance with compassion so that's
• 12:59
  another part like someone can it takes a lot for someone to actually be honest and just say the
• 13:04
  thing but also sometimes people just say things and they need to balance it with a softness a
• 13:09
  compassion that could also be a thing with your communication as well it might be that you know
• 13:14
  maybe it's communicated with a certain directness or a certain kind of you know intensity of power
• 13:20
  and then but actually that's not how it was intended so maybe it can be balanced with a
• 13:25
  you know a softness that's brought to it as well i don't know i don't know the exact situation
• 13:31
  having tried improving the language i think you know it's it's normal to feel like yeah i've been
• 13:38
  trying and i want to just give up that's with anything you know not just with communication
• 13:44
  like i've been trying and it's not being received so i'm just going to give up i'm just going to
• 13:50
  give up on people or i'm just going to give up on trying to communicate to people and you know
• 13:55
  this is why people kind of get like socially weird and awkward for example like they'll just
• 13:59
  to a computer or a device or just stay away from humans or whatever like they'll just make these
• 14:04
  like blanket rules and just be like you know people don't understand me or i you know i'm
• 14:09
  misunderstood or whatever it is i'm not saying this is you i'm just giving some examples
• 14:13
  which is not true so like you know part of working on something and getting to a certain result is
• 14:19
  that when we try certain things it might not work and when it doesn't work that's feedback for like
• 14:25
  okay what can i adjust right until and communication is one of those things that i don't think we ever
• 14:31
  stop you know learning to communicate better because there's so many different people with
• 14:37
  different kind of where they come from in their lives and you know how their brain is wired and
• 14:42
  the kind of life that they've had and their map of the world and every person like you know almost
• 14:48
  needs their own unique way of being communicated to so i think it comes from like understanding
• 14:55
  and understanding comes from being really interested
• 14:58
  and curious about the other person or people
• 15:00
  and then seek to be understood,
• 15:03
  seek to understand before you seek to be understood first,
• 15:06
  as the saying goes.
• 15:08
  So I think that's part of communication as well.
• 15:11
  And then communicating at the level of intensity
• 15:16
  and energy and expression that matches.
• 15:20
  And when it's too jarring, it just feels like,
• 15:22
  oh, there's a disconnect.
• 15:25
  You know, like you're there and I'm here and like we're not connected.
• 15:27
  It's a disconnect.
• 15:28
  So part of it is as well, like being able to see, you know, there's something within us that just wants, you know, like certain level of similarity, familiarity, so that our nervous system can relax and feel like, okay, I feel safe.
• 15:41
  I can trust you and I'm willing to, you know, hear what you have to say in the way that you're saying it.
• 15:47
  That's what I would say about the communication.
• 15:49
  I'd probably go on for more, but hopefully that gives you an answer and helps.
• 15:55
  Thank you for the question.