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Two Things A Struggling Relationship Needs · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate the podcast, finding the space for all of you in life and love.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Ann Hartnell, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: In soulful, deeply supportive DNMs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans, moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: A life and love completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also like to acknowledge that this podcast is recorded on the traditional lands of the Wurundri people and pay my respects to elders past, present, and emerging and acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: Today on the podcast, I'm going to be discussing the two key things a struggling relationship needs.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: In my experience, it is my belief that there are two key things that any relationship needs, especially one that is struggling to survive or is in a challenging season.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: And now this might be with your current partner, or it could even be with your ex, your co-parent, your sister, a friend, your parent.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: And those two things that a struggling relationship needs are number one, willingness, and number two, capacity to shift or change the experience of your current relationship, regardless of who that's with, requires at least one of you to have the willingness to create the change you most want to see and feel.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: If there's no willingness on either part, nothing will change, nothing can change.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: If there's no willingness to create something different, nothing will be changed, nothing will be different.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: Now, willingness on only one person's part also often means, but not always, often means that the relationship cannot survive long term or it cannot survive in its current iteration, its current form long term.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: If only one of you is willing to put in the work, if only one of you is willing to look at the challenges, if only one of you has the willingness to unpack the issues, and only one of you is willing to commit to change and growth, that person will often change and grow beyond the relationship, or will stay stuck, stagnating in a space where they aren't met or held.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: Frustration builds, resentment builds, and we all know that is a slippery slope to relationship breakdown.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: Holding onto frustration, resentment, and bringing that into the space with the relationship.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: Now you can, if you're willing, if you're willing to be the one to lead the change, you can, as I speak of with my one-to-one clients, you can be the one to redefine the container of your relationship, reinvent shift and change so that the container that the relationship sits in is something more like what you want it to be, what you're hoping to create, the change you're hoping to create.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: So you redefine the container of your relationship, which then invites your partner to step in and meet you in that new version of relationship.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: You're inviting them to step in, they may not necessarily choose, they may not have the willingness, they might not have the capacity to step in and meet you, but you can't single-handedly do all the work all of the time.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: There may be seasons when you're carrying more of that emotional load than your partner, but the flip side of that is that there needs to be seasons when they are holding that space for you, so it's not one person doing all the work all the time.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: There needs to be some willingness on both sides.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: Now, the second part of that is you both also need to have capacity to create that change, capacity to do the work.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: You can be willing, one or both of you, but simply not have the capacity to do the things, to do the work, to do what needs to be done in order to create the change you most want for yourselves and your relationship.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: And without capacity, even if you do love one another deeply, there's just no possibility for change, at least not right now.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: Again, it might be a season that you're in where one of you doesn't have capacity, and that is a discussion that you can have as a couple.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: You can want to change, you can hope change will be created, you can deeply desire things to be different, you can still love the other person deeply through all of that, but you may or they may simply not have capacity to create the change you both want or that you want.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: You may not have capacity or they may not have capacity, you might be able to see what needs to change, you might be able to articulate this, to step it out and to ask for it from your partner, you might be able to see what you need to change, and if they for whatever reason don't have the capacity to act on your conversation or commit to your request, it doesn't make them wrong, it doesn't make them bad.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: They are simply unable at this point, at this moment in their life, they just don't have capacity, and that could be for a number of reasons.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: It could be because of other commuting competing commitments, work, uh, extended family pressure, all the things.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: It could be that it's actually not their highest priority as much as it is yours, so they don't have capacity to build it in to create and make it a priority for them.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: It could be because of their own health and well-being impacting their capacity, or it could be their own stories, conditioning, family wounds, childhood wounds, relationship patterns, it could be all that stuff that is impacting their capacity to show up for you and the relationship in a way that creates meaningful change.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: Now, whatever is holding them back, whatever is restricting their capacity, doesn't make them necessarily wrong or bad.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: Just unable.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: And the same applies to you.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: If you just don't have capacity for all of the reasons I've already outlined, and another reason that I'll throw in there is that you've done it for so long.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: You've tried, you've shifted, you've changed, you've morphed, you've grown, you've shifted things so that the relationship fits or that you fit into the relationship and it is not met, it is still not what you want it to be.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: So you've run out of capacity, your tank's empty.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: And none of that, as I said, makes you or your partner, makes whoever doesn't have capacity wrong or bad or a villain.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: But it is where you have choice.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: It is where you can reclaim your agency, it is where you can take back your power.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's where you can take the time to decide.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: Are you willing to wait?
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: Are you willing to wait for your partner, for yourself to have capacity?
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: Are you willing to sit in the situation and are you willing to hope that their capacity will change?
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: Can you have the hard conversation about if they believe their capacity will change?
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: Or is it time for you to choose something different?
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: At some point, you might just have to choose you.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: You might just have to say, yes, I love you, yes, I love this person, yes, I would love to be able to create a life with you, to create a future with you, and I'm no longer willing to wait for that.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'm no longer willing to keep things small or less than what I really desire for yourself for myself.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm no longer really interested in the level of life of love relationship that we have together, and because of that, I have to walk away.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: Because I love myself and I want more than this for me, and because the capacity is not there, even if the willingness and desire to be in this relationship with me is, or with you, is and as hard and as heartbreaking as that can be for both of you, it may come time to choose that option.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're not sure, if you're really not sure how much willingness, how much capacity you have or your partner has, if you're asking the hard questions about your current relationship and you would like to explore this more deeply in a confidential space, I would invite you to book a free call with me where we can discuss both your willingness and your capacity and how you can expand into both of those things or both of those elements to create the change that you really want, whether that's stay or go.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: You can book a free call via the link in the show notes.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: I would love to support you.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: But for now, I just invite you to reflect.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: Are you willing and do you have capacity?
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: Is your partner willing and do they have capacity?
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: How much willingness, how much capacity have you both to create the change you most want?
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for being here.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you've got something out of this episode.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: If you liked it, please review the podcast, rate it, share it with someone who might like to hear it.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: And until next time, go gently with yourself.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, Relationship Coach, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim, and Liberate.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: And if you can think of anyone who would love this episode, please, please share it with them.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you follow the podcast in the previous episode so we can get it in the ears of the ears just like you're ready to reclaim and liberate this in the past.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you join me next time for another episode.