Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #572 What To Do When Kids Won't Listen

Transcript

#572 What To Do When Kids Won't Listen · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.
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  Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just
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  Speaker 2: once answers.
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  Speaker 3: Now, our kids are far more willing to do anything
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  Speaker 3: that we're asking them to do if we collaborate with
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  Speaker 3: them and work on it together.
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  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show.
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  Speaker 4: My mom and dad.
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  Speaker 3: I'm not happy this morning. It's a Monday. I'm not happy.
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  Speaker 3: I'm not happy at all.
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  Speaker 1: This morning.
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  Speaker 3: I got swipped by the first magpie of the season.
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  Speaker 2: I feel like there is a bird theme going on here, sir,
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  Speaker 2: do you know we have a little Is it a peeweet?
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  Speaker 2: What are those black and whitebirds?
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  Speaker 3: A carawong?
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  Speaker 1: A magpie?
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  Speaker 4: No, the carawong.
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  Speaker 2: He flies into my house really leave my back door open,
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  Speaker 2: and he literally, yesterday, I love.
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  Speaker 3: He flows into my house like it's our house till I'm.
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  Speaker 2: In the office and this is your space and that's
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  Speaker 2: my space. It literally flew through the house, down the
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  Speaker 2: corridor into the kitchen.
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  Speaker 3: Every time a bird pops on my car rad to
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  Speaker 3: play wings on the back porch, to show them what
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  Speaker 3: I'm capable of.
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  Speaker 2: So unkind Well, if that's what your morning was like,
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  Speaker 2: my morning was a Monday disoriented?
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  Speaker 1: What happened to you.
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  Speaker 2: I drove here and I was trying to find where
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  Speaker 2: your car was so I could just associate myself with
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  Speaker 2: the fact that I'm here and I couldn't find it anywhere,
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  Speaker 2: only to realize that we'd swapped cars this morning and
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  Speaker 2: I was actually in your car and you didn't have
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  Speaker 2: my car because my car's at Big Serviced.
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  Speaker 3: You got out of my car and started looking around
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  Speaker 3: for me my car was That's so good, oh dear,
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  Speaker 3: So I've dropped your car off.
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  Speaker 1: I've scootered into the.
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  Speaker 3: Office being swept by a mag stook by a magpoint. Meantime,
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  Speaker 3: you've shown up at the office looking for my car
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  Speaker 3: that you drove here in.
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  Speaker 4: I don't know how this is going to go today.
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  Speaker 3: Welcome to Monday.
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  Speaker 2: Well, I hope the day gets better because you have
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  Speaker 2: a really big night tonight.
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  Speaker 3: I'm really excited for our webinar tonight. The webinar is
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  Speaker 3: all about getting kids to listen. Why do our kids
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  Speaker 3: listen to us? So we've got a webinar for You
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  Speaker 3: can get it just by going to Happy Families dot
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  Speaker 3: com dot I you buy it now, it's thirty bucks,
• 2:06
  Speaker 3: or if you would like to become a Happy Family's member.
• 2:09
  Speaker 3: This is the best way to get our webinars. Every
• 2:10
  Speaker 3: single month, we do one just like this, and it's
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  Speaker 3: eighteen bucks to be a Premium member or thirteen dollars
• 2:16
  Speaker 3: to be a Happy Family's Basic member. And once you remember,
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  Speaker 3: you get a whole lot of stuff, including the monthly webinar.
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  Speaker 3: The webinar costs thirty bucks, but if you remember, it's
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  Speaker 3: like thirteen dollars or eighteen dollars. So Happy Families dot
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  Speaker 3: com dot you everything that you need to know about tonight.
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  Speaker 3: Is there how to get your kids to listen. But
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  Speaker 3: we should give people a bit of a taste on
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  Speaker 3: what's going to happen.
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  Speaker 1: What do you reckon?
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  Speaker 2: Well, no matter what age your kids are, this is
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  Speaker 2: a webinar that you just don't want to miss. And
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  Speaker 2: if anyone's equipped to help parents with this, I think it's.
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  Speaker 3: You, because our kids listen to me so well.
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  Speaker 2: No, but it is the very reason why I actually
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  Speaker 2: started listening to you. We had an experience with one
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  Speaker 2: of our kids way back in the early days. You've
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  Speaker 2: obviously shared multiple times that as a first time and
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  Speaker 2: then even going into second time dadthood, you weren't such
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  Speaker 2: a good Dad, you weren't doing a great job appreciate
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  Speaker 2: and I wasn't taking advice from you ever, parenting wise.
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  Speaker 2: And as you started on your journey of self discovery
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  Speaker 2: and I guess betterment was.
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  Speaker 1: A dad, it wasn't so much self discovery.
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  Speaker 3: I discovered that I was lousy and I wanted to
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  Speaker 3: do something better, so I went and studied.
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  Speaker 2: But anyway, you would share stuff with me, but I
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  Speaker 2: was so kind of blinded by the fact that you
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  Speaker 2: were actually improving and learning that I didn't listen for
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  Speaker 2: many years. But one day we had baby number three.
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  Speaker 2: She was a baby. Baby number two had spent pretty
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  Speaker 2: much the entire day screaming at my feet, just wanting
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  Speaker 2: something from me, and I didn't have the capacity, all
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  Speaker 2: the know how to give it to her. By the
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  Speaker 2: time you walked in the door, I was done, and
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  Speaker 2: I pretty much much handed the kids to you and said,
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  Speaker 2: if I don't leave, I might do something I regret.
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  Speaker 3: Like I was.
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  Speaker 4: I was pretty bad.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: My recollection is that I showed up at the house
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  Speaker 3: at about eight o'clock at night. The kids spent time
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  Speaker 3: was between six and six thirty, and every light was
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  Speaker 3: on and it was noisy and the house was a shambles.
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  Speaker 3: I'd been working hard all day, slaving away, trying to
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  Speaker 3: I don't know, earn a degree or something like that,
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  Speaker 3: and when I walked in, you growled at me and
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  Speaker 3: said your problem, not mine, and stormed out or something
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  Speaker 3: like that, and went into the bedroom and locked the
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  Speaker 3: door and didn't want to have anything to do with
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  Speaker 3: me or the three kids.
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  Speaker 1: From the second I walked into the door.
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  Speaker 4: Yep, that's about right.
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  Speaker 1: I I didn't walk into the door, walked through the doorway.
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  Speaker 2: Just for clarification, But obviously you walked in, I walked out,
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  Speaker 2: and within seconds of you walking in, the house went quiet,
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  Speaker 2: And obviously I was keenly aware of that, because that's
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  Speaker 2: all I had wanted all day, was quiet, and I
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  Speaker 2: hadn't been able to get it. No matter what I
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  Speaker 2: said to my child, there just was no so cooperation, nothing.
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  Speaker 2: I couldn't get it to go to sleep, I couldn't
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  Speaker 2: get it to eat.
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  Speaker 4: She just cried.
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  Speaker 2: And so by the time you walked in, everything went quiet,
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  Speaker 2: and I kind of put my ear up to the
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  Speaker 2: door to work out what's going on. When I couldn't
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  Speaker 2: hear anything, I actually just opened the door a little
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  Speaker 2: bit and had, you know, kind of a look through
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  Speaker 2: the crack, and here you were down at our two
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  Speaker 2: year old's eye level, and you literally looked at her
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  Speaker 2: and you said, it looks like you've had a really
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  Speaker 2: hard day. She fell into your arms and that was
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  Speaker 2: the end of the noise.
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  Speaker 4: It literally just stopped.
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  Speaker 2: And at that point I realized that there was something
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  Speaker 2: that you knew that I didn't know, and I wanted
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  Speaker 2: to know more. And so from there our journeys continued
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  Speaker 2: and I think we'd do.
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  Speaker 4: A pretty good job working as a team.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, I did too.
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  Speaker 2: So I'm really excited about what you are going to
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  Speaker 2: share with everybody tonight. Assuming knowing you the way I do,
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  Speaker 2: you don't have two or three points they do.
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  Speaker 3: No, No, I have a lot more than that. And
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  Speaker 3: if you want your kids to listen to you, this
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  Speaker 3: is definitely going to be a webinar to tune into
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  Speaker 3: and be part of. Let me just make one point
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  Speaker 3: right at the outset, though, If you have a child
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  Speaker 3: who is a chronic non listener, my first piece of
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  Speaker 3: advice is always to rule out any medical issues. You
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  Speaker 3: can book in for your GP. You can do hearing
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  Speaker 3: tests and all that kind of thing. But sometimes it
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  Speaker 3: can be hard to book in a doctor and it
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  Speaker 3: seems like an expensive thing to do when you can
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  Speaker 3: do it much more cheaply. So if you just want
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  Speaker 3: to know if your kids can hear or not, I
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  Speaker 3: recommend standing at the doorway and then in a soft
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  Speaker 3: whisper just saying who wants ice cream? That should usually
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  Speaker 3: test their hearing just fine, Or who wants twenty bucks
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  Speaker 3: or something like that.
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  Speaker 2: You don't even have to say that. Usually in our house,
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  Speaker 2: it's just rustle the plastic of any lollibag, and you
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  Speaker 2: can bet your bottom dollars they'll come running.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, that's exactly right.
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  Speaker 3: So once you know that you don't have any physiological
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  Speaker 3: hearing issues, I think we need then rethink what we're
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  Speaker 3: saying about our kids not listening, because our kids do listen.
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  Speaker 3: Our kids can listen. Listening is not the problem. The
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  Speaker 3: real question is why do our children not follow our instructions.
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  Speaker 3: That's what the webinar is really about. Because your kids
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  Speaker 3: can listen, Your kids can hear, they know what you're saying,
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  Speaker 3: but they're choosing not to follow instructions, and there are
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  Speaker 3: so many reasons why. I mean, you think about it
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  Speaker 3: when I ask you to do something, not that I
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  Speaker 3: do that very often, Kylie, of course. But if I
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  Speaker 3: were to ask you to do something, why might you
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  Speaker 3: not follow my instructions or vice versa? Why do I
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  Speaker 3: not do what you want me to do?
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  Speaker 2: Sometimes because I've got my own agenda, I've got my
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  Speaker 2: own task list of things that I want to do,
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  Speaker 2: and then you ask me to do something and it's
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  Speaker 2: not a high priority to me.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, And sometimes laying on the couch and flicking through
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  Speaker 3: a social media account or watching or watching something on
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  Speaker 3: TV or reading is actually what my agenda is, Like
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  Speaker 3: I just need to chill out for fifteen minutes and
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  Speaker 3: have some downtime. And it's the same with the kids.
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  Speaker 3: They don't like being told what to do. They're hyper
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  Speaker 3: focused on what they're doing right now. They sometimes have
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  Speaker 3: a preference to do anything other than what we're asking
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  Speaker 3: them to do. We might say can you please do this,
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  Speaker 3: and they're like, can I do anything else?
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  Speaker 1: Except that?
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  Speaker 3: Sometimes it's too early in the day, sometimes it's too
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  Speaker 3: late in the day. Sometimes they're hungry, sometimes they're full,
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  Speaker 3: sometimes they're tired, sometimes they're full of beans. Sometimes it's
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  Speaker 3: the way that we've asked them like, there's all these reasons,
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  Speaker 3: so many, so many reasons that they may not want
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  Speaker 3: to follow through and comply with what we're asking.
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  Speaker 4: It feels like we're just set up to.
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  Speaker 2: Fat yeah yeah, yeah, but there with that massive list
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  Speaker 2: of what it could possibly be.
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  Speaker 1: But there are things we can do enough to break.
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  Speaker 3: Let's explore some of those as a sort of a
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  Speaker 3: taster for what tonight's webinars all about. Get curious, not furious,
• 8:47
  Speaker 3: be where your feeder mistakes lead to mastery, high emotions,
• 8:52
  Speaker 3: low intelligence. Have you ever heard these or any of
• 8:55
  Speaker 3: the other principles I share and thought I need to
• 8:57
  Speaker 3: stick that on my wall? Well now you can. Happy
• 9:00
  Speaker 3: Family Team has pulled out the best justinisms for a
• 9:02
  Speaker 3: five mini posters, perfect for your home or even the classroom,
• 9:06
  Speaker 3: and easy to grab at Happy families dot com dot
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  Speaker 3: I you.
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  Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time
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  Speaker 2: poor parent who just wants answers.
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  Speaker 4: Now.
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  Speaker 2: Now, like I said, I know you've got a big
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  Speaker 2: one list that you're dying to share, and you're going
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  Speaker 2: to share that tonight. Sure, but I'm wondering, can you
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  Speaker 2: give us two or three tips on how we can
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  Speaker 2: help our children?
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, what I'm going to do, I'll give you I've
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  Speaker 3: got three layers of response. Okay, so we've got basic
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  Speaker 3: ways that we can help our kids to hear us
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  Speaker 3: and follow our instructions. Then we've got some fancy answers,
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  Speaker 3: and then we've got some advanced answers. So what I'm
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  Speaker 3: going to do is, I'm going to give you some
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  Speaker 3: basic answers first, Okay, keep it simple, Get on your
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  Speaker 3: child's level, and get them to repeat it back to you.
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  Speaker 3: Really simple things. So when you say something to your child,
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  Speaker 3: when you convey an instruction, just keep it really simple.
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  Speaker 3: Don't ask them to do eight things at once. Just
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  Speaker 3: will you please put your shoes on? Will you please
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  Speaker 3: brush your teeth? Will you please bring your play it
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  Speaker 3: over from the t Just one thing at a time,
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  Speaker 3: Keep it simple. Once they've done that, give them a hug,
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  Speaker 3: telling me you love them, and then ask them to
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  Speaker 3: do the next thing. Another one that you can do
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  Speaker 3: is get on their level, make eye contact, make sure
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  Speaker 3: that it's smiling, and sure that the child has heard you.
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  Speaker 3: And the best way to ensure that they've heard you
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  Speaker 3: is to get them to repeat it back to you.
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  Speaker 4: What did I just ask you?
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  Speaker 1: To do.
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  Speaker 3: You didn't move, but I just asked you to do something.
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  Speaker 1: What was it? Hey?
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  Speaker 3: About two minutes ago, I asked you to do one
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  Speaker 3: little job and you're still sitting here. Did you hear me?
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  Speaker 3: Can you tell me what it was? So just really
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  Speaker 3: simple ideas. And I've got a handful of others, another
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  Speaker 3: three or four of those that we're going to talk
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  Speaker 3: about in the webinar tonight. The fancy answers, I'm going
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  Speaker 3: to suggest just one, although again I've got like five
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  Speaker 3: or six slightly fancy answers. My favorite one is just
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  Speaker 3: consider their capability. So we expect too little of our
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  Speaker 3: children physically, and we expect too much of our children emotionally,
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  Speaker 3: Like if we're demanding that they calm down or that
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  Speaker 3: they stop it, sometimes at an emotional level, that's more
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  Speaker 3: than they can manage. But if we ask them to
• 11:01
  Speaker 3: clear the table or hang up the towel, or pick
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  Speaker 3: up their socks and put them in the laundry basket,
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  Speaker 3: that's typically not going to be too much, even for
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  Speaker 3: a young child. So we need to just consider their
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  Speaker 3: developmental capability, both emotionally and physically, before we issue our
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  Speaker 3: edicts to our children.
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  Speaker 1: But the advanced answers. These are the.
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  Speaker 3: Best ones, and I'm going to share one. I have
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  Speaker 3: six that I'm going to go through tonight, but i
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  Speaker 3: just want to share one right now. This one is
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  Speaker 3: my favorite one, and it's just to work on it together.
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  Speaker 3: So when we say to our little kids, hey, I
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  Speaker 3: want you to go and carry out this task, and
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  Speaker 3: we expect them to do it alone, that can feel
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  Speaker 3: both isolating, but it can also feel punishing, like the
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  Speaker 3: kids feel like they've been sent to Siberia to do
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  Speaker 3: this horrible task. I know it's only in the next room,
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  Speaker 3: but we're separating them from everyone.
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  Speaker 4: Else, taking them away from us, all the rest of
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  Speaker 4: the family.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, and they're having to do something that they're not
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  Speaker 3: motivated to do. There's no intrinsic desire on their part
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  Speaker 3: to tidy up, pick up, clean up or whatever, and
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  Speaker 3: quite often the task feels overwhelming, especially for little kids,
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  Speaker 3: but even for big kids. I mean the other night
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  Speaker 3: I asked the kids to one of the kids, one
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  Speaker 3: of our big kids, to help out in the kitchen,
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  Speaker 3: and she lost it. She was like, but I've already
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  Speaker 3: done this, and I've already done that, and I'm exhausted
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  Speaker 3: and I've been at work all day and blah blah,
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  Speaker 3: like she really gave me a hard time, and I
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  Speaker 3: just put my hands up in there and said, that's okay.
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  Speaker 3: So I'm sorry, but I'm going to be in there
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  Speaker 3: and I'm going to be doing it. So if you
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  Speaker 3: feel like you can help, any help would be great.
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  Speaker 3: And then I walked into the kitchen and started on
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  Speaker 3: it in About thirty seconds later, she walked into the
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  Speaker 3: kitchen said sorry, I'm happy to help you, and we've
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  Speaker 3: got to have a great chat about her day. But
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  Speaker 3: it was about the working on it together process.
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  Speaker 1: Because our kids want to be in our world.
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  Speaker 3: They love spending time with us, and when we say
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  Speaker 3: let's do this thing together, we create connection, we create respect,
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  Speaker 3: we create shared moments. We get to have conversations that
• 12:54
  Speaker 3: can become a meaningful highlight to the day, whether it's
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  Speaker 3: cleaning the bedroom or doing the dishes or washing the car.
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  Speaker 3: Our kids are far more willing to do anything that
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  Speaker 3: we're asking them to do if we collaborate with them
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  Speaker 3: and work on it together. And what I've also found,
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  Speaker 3: I don't know if you've noticed this as well, but
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  Speaker 3: you often find that you don't have to do so
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  Speaker 3: much when you're working together, like sometimes just being there
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  Speaker 3: and talking and offering some gentle guidance. Like I've said
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  Speaker 3: this to the kids hundreds of times over the years,
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  Speaker 3: what are the first three things that you want to
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  Speaker 3: pick up in the bedroom here? I don't actually pick
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  Speaker 3: anything up. I just sit with them while they're doing
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  Speaker 3: it and guide them through the process. And it's extraordinary
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  Speaker 3: for getting stuff done. So we're going to explore a
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  Speaker 3: handful of really advanced ideas like that to help get
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  Speaker 3: stuff done around the house, to help get the kids
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  Speaker 3: to listen and have a desire to comply.
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  Speaker 2: It's so funny, as you shared that last example, I
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  Speaker 2: think about even now as an adult, when I've got
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  Speaker 2: a massive task in front of me and i just
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  Speaker 2: don't know where to start. So often I'll just I
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  Speaker 2: just want you in my space, or a girlfriend will say, well,
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  Speaker 2: how I help, and.
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  Speaker 4: I'm like, can you just come and chat with me?
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  Speaker 1: Yeah?
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  Speaker 2: Can you just be in my space? I don't need
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  Speaker 2: your help, I just I need something else to kind
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  Speaker 2: of take away the enormity of the task in front
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  Speaker 2: of me, to take away that focus. And then all
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  Speaker 2: of a sudden, the job becomes so much easier.
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  Speaker 3: I had an experience with our youngest Emily, just about
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  Speaker 3: a week and a half ago, and I think it
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  Speaker 3: really captures the essence of what I want to share
• 14:26
  Speaker 3: in tonight's webinar about getting your kids to listen. So
• 14:31
  Speaker 3: you know how I feel about cold weather, like I
• 14:33
  Speaker 3: wear layer upon layer upon layer.
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  Speaker 4: The kids are still waiting and build a snowman.
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  Speaker 3: I just we've never been to the snow. I live
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  Speaker 3: for the endless summer. I just love the warmth. I
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  Speaker 3: hate it when it's cold and you touch my skin
• 14:46
  Speaker 3: with your freezing cold fingers. I hate when it's cold
• 14:48
  Speaker 3: and I try to play the piano and my fingers
• 14:50
  Speaker 3: are frozen and they won't move properly.
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: I just don't like the cold.
• 14:53
  Speaker 3: So with that, as I guess some background information, A
• 14:58
  Speaker 3: couple of weeks ago, Emily skipped out the door to
• 15:00
  Speaker 3: go and play with the friends up the street, and
• 15:02
  Speaker 3: she left the front door open. She leaves the front
• 15:04
  Speaker 3: door open one hundred percent of the time she walks
• 15:06
  Speaker 3: out the door, and so I called out to her, Emily, Emily,
• 15:09
  Speaker 3: you need to close the door. Close the door, please, Emily, Emily.
• 15:12
  Speaker 3: Emily Emily closed the door and she's sprinting away like
• 15:15
  Speaker 3: she heard me, but she ignored me. She purposely chose
• 15:19
  Speaker 3: to keep on skipping towards the scooter with literally not
• 15:23
  Speaker 3: a shred of intention of turning around and shutting the door.
• 15:26
  Speaker 3: And so, in spite of how cold it was, I
• 15:28
  Speaker 3: felt my temperature rise and ran to the door and
• 15:31
  Speaker 3: called out to her again, Emily, I asked you to
• 15:33
  Speaker 3: do something. Now, come back here and close the door.
• 15:36
  Speaker 3: And she's gone. She's out the gate. She's scootering up
• 15:39
  Speaker 3: the street while I'm calling across the curb to her
• 15:44
  Speaker 3: on her scooter. And so I've got this list of
• 15:46
  Speaker 3: twenty different ways to get the kids to listen.
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: And you know what I did when she.
• 15:50
  Speaker 3: Chose to not respond to my request that she come
• 15:52
  Speaker 3: back and closed the door, I'm going.
• 15:54
  Speaker 4: To guess that you close the door.
• 15:56
  Speaker 3: Yeah, just laughed to myself. I love that she was
• 15:59
  Speaker 3: going to play with the friends, and I realized I
• 16:01
  Speaker 3: was standing right next to the door while insisting this
• 16:04
  Speaker 3: she come.
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: Back and closed the door.
• 16:05
  Speaker 3: So I closed the door and went back inside.
• 16:07
  Speaker 4: It really wasn't such a big deal.
• 16:08
  Speaker 2: So while I love that example, I'm sure that there
• 16:10
  Speaker 2: are parents out there going but This happens all the time,
• 16:12
  Speaker 2: and it's not just about closing the door. They leave
• 16:14
  Speaker 2: their school bag right at the front door and everybody
• 16:17
  Speaker 2: trips over it, or you know, they don't bring their
• 16:20
  Speaker 2: plate up from the kitchen table.
• 16:21
  Speaker 4: I'm not their slave, No you're not. So who's going
• 16:24
  Speaker 4: to do it? If I? If I don't do it.
• 16:26
  Speaker 3: Well, I reckon I've given enough hints, tips and ideas
• 16:29
  Speaker 3: and shared enough heart in this podcast to be helpful.
• 16:33
  Speaker 4: And I think you're not going to fix it now.
• 16:35
  Speaker 3: And I think that the things that I've shared can
• 16:37
  Speaker 3: be useful even with that question you've asked. But if
• 16:39
  Speaker 3: people want more info tonight, the webinar happens at eight
• 16:42
  Speaker 3: pm Australian Eastern Standard Time about getting your kids to
• 16:46
  Speaker 3: actually listen. Please find more information about it on our
• 16:49
  Speaker 3: Facebook page doctor Justin Colson's Happy Families or at the
• 16:51
  Speaker 3: website happyfamilies dot com dot au.
• 16:54
  Speaker 4: I reckon it might even help with husbands.
• 16:56
  Speaker 3: That Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Roland from
• 16:59
  Speaker 3: Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer. And more
• 17:03
  Speaker 3: info about making your family happier join us for the
• 17:05
  Speaker 3: webinar tonight. Please become a Happy Family's member where you
• 17:09
  Speaker 3: can get access to all of these resources on a
• 17:11
  Speaker 3: month to month basis to make your family happier and
• 17:13
  Speaker 3: visit us at happy families dot com.
• 17:15
  Speaker 2: Do a