Latest / Grounded Growth / Self-Control When You Want to Give In
Transcript
- Stephanie Petry: Hi, welcome to. Nicole Ghirardi: Hi, welcome to Grounded Growth Podcast. I'm Nicole Girardi. And I'm Stephanie Petry. We believe that grounded growth comes from being intentional about compassionate connections that are beautifully balanced while flourishing in faithfulness. Each week we will share real conversations, encouragement, and simple systems to help build a life that feels steady, aligned, and grounded. So sit back, maybe grab a coffee, and join us where clarity meets calm and growth feels intentional. Stephanie Petry: ⁓ And I'm Stephanie Petry. We believe that grounded growth comes from being intentional about compassionate connections that are beautifully balanced while flourishing in faithfulness. Each week we will share real conversations, encouragement, and simple systems to help build a life that feels steady, aligned, and grounded. So sit back, maybe grab a coffee, and join us where clarity meets calm and growth feels intentional. Before we dive in, if you want to make sure you never miss a conversation, hit that subscribe or follow button. Nicole Ghirardi: Before we dive in, if you want to make sure you never miss a conversation, hit that subscribe or follow button Stephanie Petry: right now on whatever app you're listening on. Nicole Ghirardi: right now on whatever app you're listening on. Stephanie Petry: Hi, welcome back. I'm Stephanie Petry Nicole Ghirardi: I'm Nicole Ghirardi Stephanie Petry: And this is our final episode of Fruit That Last series. We are talking about self-control when you want to give in. So biblical self-control is not about controlling everything around me. It is about surrendering myself to God's control. The world often defines freedom as being the author of our own lives. Scripture gives us a different picture though. True freedom comes from knowing that God is the author and I am his child. I like to say that I hope to be a character in that story, and hopefully a main character. but I can try to control those circumstances in my life, other people, my schedule, even my own narrative, but ultimately I am not in control. God is. that realization doesn't make me feel less free. Either. It gives me freedom and assurance and rest, and knowing that the weight of the world is not on my shoulders. self-control is a fruit of spirit and not a personality trait I achieve through willpower. So I can be disciplined and organized and prepared and productive and still have a heart that is desperately trying to control everything. there is a difference between biblical self-control and self-sufficiency as well. Biblical self-control leads me towards humility and wise stewardship, not pride and independence. God has given me good gifts, but my sinful heart can manipulate those gifts. So I love planning and preparing and leading and organizing. Nicole Ghirardi: Okay. Okay. Stephanie Petry: I love doing things with excellence. Nicole Ghirardi: . you Stephanie Petry: Those can be beautiful gifts from God, but I can twist them into performance and pride and need for approval. So, really, my question is am I using what God gave me to glorify Him, or am I using it to prove something about myself? freedom comes when I stop trying to author my story and start faithfully stewarding the story God has written for me. So we talked, I said earlier. Nicole Ghirardi: . Stephanie Petry: I'm not the author of my life, but I am that main character, learning to listen and obey. God Nicole Ghirardi: . Stephanie Petry: doesn't ask me to control the outcome. He asks me to be faithful with what he has placed in front of me. That means I can work hard, I can plan wisely, I can pursue excellence while still holding the results open with open hands. self-control ultimately asks, who is in charge? Me or God? Tim Keller's idea that faith means being controlled by the promises of God rather than our own impressions is such a helpful picture. And I don't need to control everything when I trust the one who does. Nicole Ghirardi: And I think this is where self-control gets really interesting because we often think of it as simply having enough discipline to make ourselves do what we know we should do. But if we're honest, some of our most disciplined behavior can actually be another form of control. So let's talk about what biblical self-control really looks like. Stephanie Petry: So I think self-control is choosing obedience when my feelings are pulling me somewhere else. it is the ability to bring my thoughts, my desires, and emotions and actions under the authority of God's word. that doesn't mean I don't have strong emotions or desires. trust me, I do. It means that they don't get the final word. I can acknowledge what I'm feeling without allowing that feeling to become my master. And so self-control is not the same thing as self-control over everything either. So this has been a big distinction for me. I can control how I respond, but I can't control another person's response. I can steward my time, but Nicole Ghirardi: Okay. Stephanie Petry: I cannot control tomorrow. I can prepare well, but I cannot control the outcome. I can faithfully tell my story, but I cannot control how someone receives it. That's where humility comes in. And God's provision gives us what we need to grow. In 2 Peter 1, Peter talks about God's divine power giving us everything we need for life Nicole Ghirardi: you Stephanie Petry: and godliness. And then he describes growth, faith, virtue, knowledge, steadfastness, self-control, godliness, brotherly affection, and love. I love that self-control isn't isolated, it is a part of a growing life of faith. We aren't simply becoming more disciplined people. We are becoming more like Christ. Nicole Ghirardi: . Stephanie Petry: And finally, true freedom is found under the loving authority of our Father. J.I. Packer, he's a Canadian Christian writer, teacher, and church leader. he's known for his book, Knowing God, but he's also very well known for being a main editor of the ESV Bible, English Standard Version. Anyway, so J.I. Packer, he wrote that if we really understand Christianity, being God's child should shape our worship, prayer, and our whole outlook on life. Nicole Ghirardi: . Stephanie Petry: So when I know whose I am, I don't have to prove who I am. That changes how I approach discipline and ambition, productivity, relationships, and even my failures, all through self-control. So knowing what self-control is doesn't automatically make it easy. In Nicole Ghirardi: . Stephanie Petry: fact, some of the places where I most need self-control are connected to the places where I most want control. When life feels uncertain, when my instinct is often to tighten up my grip rather than to surrender my grip. So, Nicole, why is self control so hard to live out? Nicole Ghirardi: Self-control is hard because we live in a world built for instant gratification. So almost everything we want is one tap. one click or one swipe away for us. mean, Amazon has completely ruined us. Our desires are loud and they want it now. The reward of giving is an immediate and the cost usually shows up much later. So willpower runs out. We can white knuckle it for a while, but grit alone is a tank that always eventually hits empty for us. So in the book Reshaping It All, that lasting change is inside out and that our efforts fail when we lean on discipline alone without a deeper motivation. So self-control that is only willpower never lasts. And a lot of giving in is really just soothing for us. We reach for the snack, the scroll, or the purchase to numb a feeling we do not wanna sit with. I think mine lately is that purchasing. I buy to make me feel better or where I don't have to express my feelings anymore. So that's my big one lately. But in Living Well, Spending Less, if you've never read this book, it's an amazing book. The author Ruth writes, the real enemy is not the stuff, it is the wanting. an endless craving that comparison keeps feeding, that wanting is exhausting to keep saying no to. And if I'm honest, my weak points are small and daily. The one more episode right before bed, or the extra scroll, or the extra glass of wine that I completely regret the next day, or that snack that I'm not even hungry for, but I still wanna eat it just because it's in front of me. The yes that should have always been a no. I also give in when I am completely depleted. When I'm tired or I'm stressed, my resolve is the first thing to crumble. And I reach for whatever takes the edge off fastest. I do this a lot with parenting the kids. When all I wanna break because work has been so crazy and they're begging for electronics and they are completely out of time. but I'm like, okay, that's just an easy pacifier, go do it. You know, I'm just depleted and I just crumble and that's something I'm working on. But I think of Esau who came in from the field starving and traded his entire birthright for a single bowl of stew in Genesis. Instant relief felt worth more than a lasting blessing and I make that same trade in smaller ways all of the time and I think we all do. But in Proverbs chapter 25 verse 28 says a person without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls That is exactly how it feels one small yes at a time until there is no fence left at all for us So when self-control is that hard giving in is usually does not And when self-control is that hard, giving in usually does not feel like a big rebellion. It feels small and it sneaks in through the ordinary cracks of a normal day for us. So what does it actually look like when we give in, Steph? Stephanie Petry: For me, giving in often looks less dramatic than you'd think. It can look like reacting instead of responding. It can look like saying yes because I need someone's approval. It can look like overworking because I want to prove my value. It can look like trying to control the details because Nicole Ghirardi: . Stephanie Petry: I don't trust the outcome to God. That one's a tough one to admit. and it can even look like judging someone because I think I know how they should be handling their life. Sometimes I what I call being responsible is actually anxiety disguised as control. like I like to be prepared down to the tiniest detail. I want to provide quality and promptness when I say yes, and I can lead and delegate well. Nicole Ghirardi: Yeah. Stephanie Petry: but then become very frustrated when other people don't have the same expectations or intentionality that I do. Am I speaking to anyone else that understands here? Nicole Ghirardi: Yeah. Stephanie Petry: because I have to ask myself, am I pursuing excellence for God's glory or am I expecting everyone else to validate my standard? that was a journal prompt, Nicole Ghirardi: Yeah. Stephanie Petry: let me tell you. so giving in can also mean giving in to the need for approval. I have to be careful with this one personally. I've recognized patterns in my life where performance became a way to survive, to earn praise and to feel accepted and loved. So but the gospel tells me that I don't have to earn what Christ has already given me, which is it brings me that freedom. Nicole Ghirardi: . . Stephanie Petry: My works don't determine my identity. They demonstrate what God is doing in me. And when I forget that, I start performing for people instead of faithfully serving God. When I believe I in control, I become more vulnerable to judgment and despair as well. So if I believe everything depends on me, then every disappointment feels like a personal failure. every person who doesn't meet my expectations Nicole Ghirardi: . Stephanie Petry: become frustrating. Every unexpected circumstance feels like something has gone wrong. But when I remember that God is sovereign and in control of all things, I can surrender the outcome and ask him, Lord, what does faithfulness look like right here? Nicole Ghirardi: Steph just said giving in is usually less dramatic than we think and that is so true for me. For me, it is the ordinary stuff, the second helping I did not need. the hours scrolling I meant to be for only five minutes, the impulse buy, like I said earlier, just to justify on the way to the cart. So it looks like snapping at a coworker or an employee or a family member because I'm running on empty and never dealt with what was actually going on inside of me. And Steph mentioned saying yes out of the need for approval. and mine is a cousin of that, I say yes to one more thing I do not have room for and then quietly resent it later. So for a long stretch, I thought saying yes to everything was one of my greatest strengths. I built my business on it. Every client who came my way, every speaking engagement, every networking meeting, every opportunity, every favor, I said yes because I could not stand to let a single one go. and it felt like ambition and drive and the people around me praised me for it so I just kept piling it on. Then I met my lovely friend Stephanie Petrie who brought eyes to what I was doing and I learned that underneath it was not discipline at all. It was the opposite. It was a total lack of self-control because I could not tell someone no. calendar was packed to the very edges. There was colors everywhere and none of them were Nicole Girardi colors. They were everyone else's colors. And I was answering messages late into the night. I was saying yes to good things I had no room to carry. And it caught up with me. I got so stretched and so depleted that I had nothing good left. Not for my family, not for my faith, not for my health and Honestly, not even for the work I had already committed to and I needed to change. And clearly, I mean, it was depression season, heavy. I had locked myself in my room and just didn't want to do anything then. So what I'm slowly learning is that self-control is not only about saying no to the obvious junk, the scrolling or the snacking or the wine or whatever the case may be, but sometimes the hardest and most important no is to one more good thing. that I simply do not have the margin to hold anymore. And every yes I give is a no to something else. And that is a Stephanie Petry mantra because it just has stuck with me. And I want my yes to actually mean something instead of just being one more thing that I could not turn down. And I'm in that season right now. And with work, with saying no to networking events, no to the extra lunches with friends and... no to the time that will take me away from my family. And it's hard because I don't want to upset people. And you know, it's been heavy on my heart for the last few weeks because I've had people reach out and think that something was wrong with me. And it's not. It's just that I am saying no to the things in this season that aren't in the margin for me anymore. It's not because relationships are... right or wrong or whatever the case may be, it's just I'm in the season that I am having to work on my notes a lot more than my yeses right now. So it looks like the little I'll start tomorrow that quietly becomes next week and then in the next month. It looks like reaching for my phone or the pantry the second I feel bored, anxious or uncomfortable. Instead of just bringing that feeling to God. It was the easiest answer that I just was never, never doing. So what studies me is remembering that every small no is actually building something inside of me. And God is not asking me to be perfect. He's inviting me to bring even these little cravings back under his own care. So thankfully Jesus doesn't simply give us a list of things we're supposed to control. He shows us what surrendered obedience looks like if we want to understand self-control. We need to look at the one who perfectly submitted his will to the Father. So Steph, what does Jesus show us about this self-control? Stephanie Petry: Well, before we go there, I just have to say how proud I am of you. 'Cause like I was listening and I was kind of like, where are we going with this? And then you finally got there. I was like, good. I but I have to say the the people reaching out and noticing a change in you may not be understanding where that change is stemming from. and also just saying that You know, you're you're focusing on your no's because that's the harder part for you right now. But one thing that made it easier for me when I started saying more no's was because I already knew what I was saying yes to. And not that you ever have to justify your no, but if you sometimes you do. I mean, it depends on the situation and who you're talking to. but it really helped me to know that I was what I was saying yes to, and I knew that that was what mattered most to me in this moment. And then I was able to share that with them. And that's another way to model self-control to someone else. You know, I I actually have rest scheduled for that weekend because I've had something every weekend on this month. So I really don't, I really can't give that up. Our family decided we're going to spend the day together that day. No one can argue with that. You know, like that's a that is a solid great why. Nicole Ghirardi: Hello. Stephanie Petry: and then that other person doesn't feel as let down either. They're not feeling like you're just avoiding them, like you have said you've thought this through, you know. Nicole Ghirardi: Okay. Stephanie Petry: and so I think, you know, they're reaching out because they care, but how they are reaching out or how they're explaining it may not feel as caring. Nicole Ghirardi: And. Okay. Stephanie Petry: so what does Jesus show us about? Self-control in the Bible. So Luke 22, 42 says, Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours be done. So this is the prayer that Jesus prayed before his crucifixion in the Garden of Gethsemane. And Jesus shows us that self-control begins with surrender. One of the clearest pictures is Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane because Jesus knew what was coming. He experienced anguish, yet he prayed, Not my will, but yours be done. That's not weakness. It's actually the ultimate picture of strength under submission to the Father. Nicole Ghirardi: Okay. Stephanie Petry: sometimes the most self-controlled thing that I can do is open my hands and say, God, I don't understand this, but I trust you. And gosh, those moments of surrender. Like it just brings you it Nicole Ghirardi: Mm hmm. Stephanie Petry: brings tears to my eyes and it brings me to my knees every time. Jesus did not allow his circumstances to dictate his obedience either. he wasn't controlled by comfort or popularity or fear or even the approval of people. He remained faithful to the Father's will, even when obedience was costly. Nicole Ghirardi: Mm-hmm. Stephanie Petry: He was obedient even when it was costly. I don't think anyone like if you're listening to this, you didn't have to pay for anything with your life, like Christ did. That's so different from the world's definition of freedom, where freedom means doing whatever feels right to me. So Jesus shows us a better freedom. Nicole Ghirardi: Okay. Well. Stephanie Petry: Being so secure in the Father's love that I can obey him even when it costs me. Jesus shows us that self control is directed toward love and service. So biblical discipline isn't simply about becoming better at controlling ourselves. It actually frees us to love other people well. And when I'm not consumed Nicole Ghirardi: No. Stephanie Petry: With managing my own image and comfort or expectations, I have more capacity to notice someone else's needs. in Romans 13, it reminds us that love fulfills the law. My intentionality and planning and discipline should ultimately help me love God and love people more faithfully. and then Nicole Ghirardi: . Mm hmm. Stephanie Petry: also Jesus perfectly demonstrates. What we are called to grow into. I cannot manufacture his character through sheer effort, but because I belong to Christ and have the Holy Spirit, I can increasingly put off the old ways and put on the new. The goal isn't how can I become more impressive? It is how can my life increasingly look like Jesus. That changes the way I think about self-control. it wasn't just me gripping life my life tighter and trying harder to manage myself, everyone around me, and everything that happens. It's actually learning to surrender my will to God and then faithfully steward whatever it is that he puts in front of me. So Nicole, how do we actually grow in this everyday life? Nicole Ghirardi: So number one, surrender it to the Spirit. Just like Steph said, this begins with surrender, not a tighter grip. Self-control is fruit of the Spirit, so it grows as you abide. So in 2 Timothy chapter one, verse seven, says, God gave us a spirit of power, love, and self-control. You are not doing this on your own strength. Start the day handing God the very thing you are most likely to give in to. Number two, starve the impulse. Put a pause between the craving and the choice, even 60 seconds, and the urge usually loosens its grip. So name what you're feeling, and a lot of giving in is just tired, hungry, lonely, or anxious in disguise. You do not have to obey every impulse the second it shows up. Number three, Set up guardrails. Do not rely on willpower in the heat of the moment. Decide ahead of time and move the temptation out of arm's reach for you. A city without walls gets overrun, so build a few walls before you need them. Make the good thing easy to reach and the tempting things a little bit harder for you. Number four, steady your rhythms. I feel like we say this one practical tip. throughout the full series is steady your rhythm. Self-control grows out of ordinary habits far more than hero. through heroic bursts of willpower. Build small daily rhythms of scripture, prayer, sleep, and rest so you are not fighting every battle empty. You will rarely rise above life you have actually built, so build a steady one instead. Next one, say no to the small thing. Practice self-control on the little stuff so that the muscle is there for the big stuff. Paul said his He disciplines his body like an athlete in training. And that's 1 Corinthians chapter 9, verse 25 through 27. Small reps build real strength. Every small no you keep makes the next one a little bit easier for you. And number six, start again quickly. Self-control is not never failing. It is getting up fast when you do. When you give in, do not spiral. Name it, receive grace, and take the very next faithful step. You are always one choice away from starting fresh, no matter how many times you have given in. Stephanie Petry: So as we wrap up this episode, here is the encouragement we want to leave you with because self-control is never meant to be something you white knuckle on your own. So what are some closing things for this self-control episode? Nicole Ghirardi: Self-control is not about gritting your teeth and trying harder. It is about handling the controls to the one who is actually in charge, because it's not us, okay? You do not have to overhaul every habit this week. Pick one place you tend to give in and invite God right into the exact spot that you're in. And like we said at the very start, self-control is a fruit of the Spirit, not a personality trait. If you belong to Jesus, the power to grow it already lives inside of you. So on the days you give in, and there will be some, do not quit. Bring your desires back under the care of Jesus, choose again, and take the next faithful step. Stephanie Petry: So I'm actually going to wrap up the series and I'm gonna go a little off script here. So Nicole and I are getting ready to start a Bible study on the Psalms, and it's seeing our Savior in the Psalms, and it's called Turn Your Eyes. And I was reading, it's becoming my favorite Psalm, and it is Psalm one. Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of the sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers. But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither, and all that he does he prospers. The wicked are not so, but are like chaff that the wind drives away. Therefore Nicole Ghirardi: Okay. Stephanie Petry: the wicked will not stand in the judgment, nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous. For the Lord knows the way of the righteous, but the way of the wicked will perish. There are two types of people in this world. There is Nicole Ghirardi: You. Stephanie Petry: the righteous that will prosper and the wicked that will perish. And we keep talking about the fruit of the spirit. And I just keep seeing the imagery of a tree and and how tree a tree is to bear fruit when it abides in Christ. Nicole Ghirardi: Okay. Stephanie Petry: And so I just was journaling about this psalm, and I just was thinking how trees they are anchored by their roots, but that anchor in the roots are not what gives it life. They are reaching for the life, and the life is the Nicole Ghirardi: . Stephanie Petry: water. So Christ is our living water, and we need to be grounding our roots down into God's word. And reaching for the truth in God's word and allowing the Holy Spirit, the power of the Holy Spirit to bring us that new life. And also, it doesn't end with the roots, it also is reaching. Trees are reaching for the light for this, for the sun, and it provides nourishment and things for Nicole Ghirardi: Okay. Stephanie Petry: the tree to grow strong and secure. And so we too need to be looking and turning our eyes to the light of the world, which is Jesus Christ. So don't mean to get preachy there, but man, it was just such a sweet moment Nicole Ghirardi: Yeah. Stephanie Petry: of w of personal worship this this morning. and and just the the imagery of that is just gorgeous, but also the fruit that the fruit it is never to help the tree. The fruit is always produced to help others. Nicole Ghirardi: Okay. Okay. Stephanie Petry: and so like if you're if you're collecting apples for for an example, it's not like the tree's gonna eat the apples. The the apples are for other people and and it's to be a blessing, it is to show that overabundance and that outpouring of love that Christ has for you that you then can outpour to others. So all that to say, ladies, is thank you for joining us for the Fruit That Lasts series. Nicole Ghirardi: . . Stephanie Petry: And and that's our prayer for you is that through this series you are able to meditate a little bit more about the fruit of the spirit and be able to to be in prayer and to practice and know that it's progress over perfection when it comes to abiding in Christ. So with that, we're gonna go ahead and tell you about the next series coming. so next time on Ground and Growth, we are going to be beginning a special new series called Motherhood Rooted in Grace. We're going to talk about what it looks like to mother from a place of grace rather than pressure, perfection, or performance. we're going to be talking about faith and motherhood and things we inherit from the women who came before us and the ways that God writes a story through generations. So stay tuned and we will see you again next time. Bye. Nicole Ghirardi: Bye friends. Thank you for joining us for another episode of Grounded Growth. We hope today brought you clarity, encouragement, and a gentle reminder that you're not walking this journey alone. If this episode spoke to you, we'd love for you to share it, subscribe, and leave a review. We'll see you next week. Until then, Stephanie Petry: Thank you for joining us for another episode of Grounded Growth. We hope today brought you clarity, encouragement, and a gentle reminder that you're not walking this journey alone. If this episode spoke to you, we'd love for you to share it, subscribe, and leave a review. We'll see you next week. Until then, stay grounded and keep growing. Nicole Ghirardi: stay grounded and keep growing.