Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #163 My Daughter Has a Boyfriend

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#163 My Daughter Has a Boyfriend · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: As a parent, letting go is one of the scariest
• 0:04
  Speaker 1: things you'll ever be asked to do.
• 0:09
  Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families podcast.
• 0:12
  Speaker 3: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just
• 0:15
  Speaker 3: once answers me out.
• 0:17
  Speaker 2: I can't believe you just blew a raspberry at me. Really,
• 0:20
  Speaker 2: you literally just went at me. Yeah, thanks so much.
• 0:23
  Speaker 2: So every now and again, when we're putting this podcast together,
• 0:26
  Speaker 2: we have our moments, don't we. It's not supposed to
• 0:29
  Speaker 2: tell everyone may maybe you have your moments. I'm going
• 0:31
  Speaker 2: to leave it. I'm going to It's not really you,
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  Speaker 2: is it. What happens is when we start the podcast,
• 0:37
  Speaker 2: I'll usually say something like, I'm doctor Justin Colson, I'm
• 0:39
  Speaker 2: the author of six books about raising happy families. And
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: then I'll say something about Kylie how she's my co
• 0:43
  Speaker 2: host and today's Friday, and so I'll say how good
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: are Fridays? And Kylie just looks at me, like how
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: am I supposed to respond to that? When you just
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: start talking, and Kylie's like, no, we need to script this.
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: So how do you feel about Fridays?
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  Speaker 1: I Love Fridays podcast for the absolutely love Fridays.
• 1:03
  Speaker 2: Is there a particular reason other than that you don't
• 1:05
  Speaker 2: have to sit down and try to work out how
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: we're going to figure this out.
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  Speaker 3: I don't have to make a school lunch tomorrow morning.
• 1:10
  Speaker 2: Right right? You know what, since we started making mornings magic,
• 1:14
  Speaker 2: and we did that podcast episode about it just a
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: couple of weeks ago, but we've been practicing those making
• 1:20
  Speaker 2: mornings Magic skills for a few years now. We don't
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: really have to make many school lunches. You know, it's
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: only the baby. Really, it's only our six year old
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  Speaker 2: that needs help us. That's what I'm telling you.
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  Speaker 3: I don't have to make her lunch tomorrow.
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: But we don't even have to do much for her,
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  Speaker 2: like she gets it going. But yes, you're right, we
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  Speaker 2: don't have to. Instead, we get to tidy the house
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  Speaker 2: and do all the or the easy things.
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  Speaker 3: I get to take the kids to nippers. It's the
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  Speaker 3: best way to start the weekend.
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  Speaker 2: I am looking forward to that. Hey, I want to
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  Speaker 2: This is the episode every week where we talk about
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  Speaker 2: how we're going to do better tomorrow because we make
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  Speaker 2: so many mistakes as parents and we want to own
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: that sort of stuff. But this week I want to
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  Speaker 2: do something a little bit different because I had something
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: happen that just you know, I love what I do.
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  Speaker 2: I feel like the work that I do is really
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  Speaker 2: meaningful and it makes a difference in the world. And
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: I get emails with some frequency from people who say,
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  Speaker 2: we're so grateful for the podcast or the books, or
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: their Facebook page or their Happy Families membership, because our
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: family is happier because of it. But I had an
• 2:19
  Speaker 2: experience that just left me weeping. In the last couple
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: of days. I got an email from somebody and I
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  Speaker 2: wanted to share it. Do you mind if I share
• 2:27
  Speaker 2: that with you?
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  Speaker 3: I'd love to hear it.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, it's a really nice one. So there's a little
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: bit of background here, but basically, I was dealing with
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: somebody who was having a very very very hard time
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  Speaker 2: in their family. And the long and the short of
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: it is that I invited them to participate in a
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  Speaker 2: webinar that they probably technically didn't have to be at.
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  Speaker 2: It wasn't something that really involved them, but I just
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  Speaker 2: thought if I can get them to just see the
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: world a little bit differently without me talking to them,
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  Speaker 2: it might make a difference. Anyway, I got an email
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: from somebody who knows them telling me that it made
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: a difference. And here's what the email said. At the
• 3:06
  Speaker 2: end of our catch up, he said to me, I
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: had a really amazing time at that justin Coulson webinar
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: the other night. I enjoyed it very much. He talked
• 3:18
  Speaker 2: about how it made him reflect on his own parenting practices. Now,
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  Speaker 2: the background of this is that this dad in particular
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: had I'm not really under exaggerating when I say he
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  Speaker 2: had an anger problem and he was treating his I
• 3:31
  Speaker 2: think seven year old son really really badly. And he
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  Speaker 2: said that since the webinar, he'd started employing several of
• 3:38
  Speaker 2: the strategies that I'd talked about in the webinar. And
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  Speaker 2: then just this morning, this friend said he told me
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  Speaker 2: that his younger son was being a pain and wouldn't
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  Speaker 2: get in the car, and he just wanted to step
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  Speaker 2: in and be angry and say just do as you're told,
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  Speaker 2: just get in the car, but instead he hugged his son,
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  Speaker 2: acknowledged the big feelings that his son was having, and
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  Speaker 2: then said, since you're having such a hard time, what
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  Speaker 2: do you need from me so I can help you?
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  Speaker 2: How can I help? And then his son just pretty
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  Speaker 2: much gave that a hug and hopped in the car
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  Speaker 2: and put his seatbelt on. And he said it took
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  Speaker 2: less time to do this than it would have taken
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  Speaker 2: to wrangle the child into his car seat, said how
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  Speaker 2: much he learned from it. And I just thought, this
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  Speaker 2: is why I do what I do. And because of
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  Speaker 2: that webinar and maybe even because of this podcast. There's
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  Speaker 2: a little seven year old or eight year old boy
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: or whatever the age of this kid is, I can't
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  Speaker 2: quite remember now, whose dad's being a little bit kinder
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: and who didn't get yelled at today, didn't get didn't
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: get a wallop on the backside. Instead, he got a hug,
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: and he got some understanding, and then he got into
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  Speaker 2: the car happy so that he could go after school.
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: I love Fridays for this reason, and I love that
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: story because this is what Fridays is all about, this
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: recognition that I can be and do better tomorrow. You know,
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: we all get it wrong, all mess up, and sometimes
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: we mess up bad. But the reality is that if
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: we are intentional, we can be better.
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  Speaker 2: You know where that story actually, it reminds me of
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  Speaker 2: how I learned that strategy. So I've got the PhD,
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  Speaker 2: I've done all the reading and all the research, but
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  Speaker 2: reading this stuff and actually applying it are totally different.
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  Speaker 2: And I remember a few years ago, probably about ten
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  Speaker 2: years ago, when we were living in Woollongong on the
• 5:25
  Speaker 2: New South Wales South coast, and we had an issue
• 5:29
  Speaker 2: in the car one day with the kids. They were
• 5:31
  Speaker 2: really being nasty to each other in the car, and
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  Speaker 2: I pulled the car over. I got them out of
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  Speaker 2: the car, standing on the side of the road, and
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  Speaker 2: I thought, well, what am I going to do with
• 5:38
  Speaker 2: them now? Now they're in public, and I'm not going
• 5:40
  Speaker 2: to whack them. You know, I'm this parenting expert. I'm
• 5:41
  Speaker 2: supposed to get this right, And so instead I gave them.
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  Speaker 2: I looked at Mom, I said, you're really struggling with
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  Speaker 2: each other, aren't you come and give me a hug.
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  Speaker 2: Let's figure this out. How can we make this right?
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  Speaker 2: And thirty seconds later we were back in the car
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  Speaker 2: after we'd had a hug, and everything was right. And
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: a couple of days later, I was on the radio
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  Speaker 2: doing this radio interview and I shared that experience and
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  Speaker 2: I said, so, next time the kids are driving you
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: crazy in the car, pull the car over, give them
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: a hug, and everything will be okay, and the radio
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  Speaker 2: announces were like, that is just so ridiculous. But about
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: a week later, when I was talking to them again,
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: they were like, we got so many phone calls over
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  Speaker 2: the next week from all these families that were like, Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: we pulled over and we gave our kids a hug,
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  Speaker 2: and it was amazing. It worked, And I think that's
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  Speaker 2: the whole thing, Right, I'll do better tomorrow. If you
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  Speaker 2: had allows your day, give your kids a hug, make
• 6:21
  Speaker 2: it better. And it's incredible how quickly the relationships are
• 6:25
  Speaker 2: restored and life is good again.
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  Speaker 1: I really appreciate you sharing that story. It's awesome, feel
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  Speaker 1: good story for Friday morning.
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: All right, Next, we're going to find out how you're
• 6:34
  Speaker 2: going to do better tomorrow. It's the Happy Families Podcast.
• 6:37
  Speaker 4: US Screens Creating Tension at Home, Tweens, teens and Screens
• 6:41
  Speaker 4: is a webinar to guide families to healthy, safe superscreen solutions.
• 6:46
  Speaker 4: Bye today at happyfamilies dot com dot au slash shop.
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: Today we're talking about I'll do Better tomorrow and.
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  Speaker 2: It's your TI.
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: Now.
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  Speaker 2: I'm kind of skipping out this week. I haven't really
• 6:57
  Speaker 2: had a great story that I could tell, but I
• 6:59
  Speaker 2: really loved the email that I got about that dad
• 7:02
  Speaker 2: who realized that he could do better tomorrow. And that's
• 7:05
  Speaker 2: just so heartwarming for me. And I think that's more
• 7:07
  Speaker 2: inspiring sometimes than hearing that I'm messing up. But you,
• 7:11
  Speaker 2: I don't know exactly what you're going to tell me,
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: but you had a very interesting conversation with one of
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  Speaker 2: our daughters who has a boyfriend. That's all I know.
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: Well, last week we actually talked about this whole concept
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: of when's too young to have a boyfriend? Twenty four
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  Speaker 1: and we acknowledged that we had only just found out
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: that one of our older daughters has a boyfriend.
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  Speaker 2: I mean, she's almost seventeen. She's only a few weeks
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  Speaker 2: off seventeen, so it's not like she's a grade one
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  Speaker 2: or a preppy.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, And you acknowledged last week that even though you
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  Speaker 1: know she's old enough that it was still a little
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  Speaker 1: bit confronting.
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  Speaker 3: For you as a dad.
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  Speaker 1: It still is, yeah, And so I guess you know,
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  Speaker 1: my thought processes have been a little bit more challenged
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  Speaker 1: than yours were probably not necessarily on the same page
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  Speaker 1: with this recognition that she's old enough to have a boyfriend.
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  Speaker 3: Like logically, I recognize that.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, but my heart, my heart just says, no, not yet.
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  Speaker 3: I'm not ready.
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  Speaker 2: Even though it's a good thing, right, Like they're good kids,
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  Speaker 2: they're behaving themselves, it's still just so hard to let
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  Speaker 2: it happen.
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  Speaker 4: You know.
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  Speaker 1: And as I was listening to one of your podcasts
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  Speaker 1: from before I came on and you were talking to Wendy.
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  Speaker 2: Wendy grolnik Oh from Clark University, this was, if you
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  Speaker 2: haven't heard it, such a great conversation about controlling your kids.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's where you're going at It.
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  Speaker 1: Really triggered something in me, and so I had to
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: kind of have this internal conversation as I kind of
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: unpacked why I was feeling the way I was. The
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: reality is she's she's seventeen and two months time, so's
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: she's getting there. In a year's time, she's going to
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  Speaker 1: be an adult. And I really have a say in
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: her life when she becomes an adult. So, you know,
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: at this point in time, she's really at a stage
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  Speaker 1: where she should be able to start to make these
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: kind of decisions for herself.
• 9:00
  Speaker 3: She's been upfront with us.
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  Speaker 1: She actually wants our involvement, you know, like she's not
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  Speaker 1: doing this behind our back. She's she's so excited about
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: this new space of her life, and she's including us
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: in the process, and as a parent, I should be
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  Speaker 1: grateful for that.
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  Speaker 3: But also I recognize that I've taught her really well.
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: I've taught her what our values are as a family
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: and the things that are important to us. And even
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: from the psychology researcher in our home, she has heard.
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  Speaker 3: She's heard it all.
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: She knows the ins and outs, the wives and the
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: nuts and all of that. And so as I kind
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: of started to, you know, think about those things, I
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: recognized and realized that I was just I want to
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: control her.
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  Speaker 3: She's still my little girl. I want. I want to
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  Speaker 3: know it all, and I don't.
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  Speaker 2: I reckon, if you were to put a list together
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: of the hardest things you've got to do as a parent,
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: number one would be watching your children struggle and suffer,
• 9:56
  Speaker 2: especially when the suffering is beyond anyone's control. But I
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: reckon a close Number two is actually letting go.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: And when I thought about how I felt when I
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: was her age, I was just a girl who wanted
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: my parents to be okay, be cool, be cool with
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: this idea of me growing up and letting me have
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: and share my experiences with them.
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: You know, I love that insight. When I was that age,
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: I wasn't even thinking about my parents. I was just
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: I can't wait for what's coming, and I'm so excited
• 10:31
  Speaker 2: about it. And if my parents came into the picture
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: at all, it was why can't you be excited too?
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: And that's what I wanted. I just wanted their excitement.
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: I wanted their approval, I wanted their acceptance. And so
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: when I kind of tapped into that, when I tapped
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: into what I wanted at her age, we ended up
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: having a conversation quite out of the blue. I didn't
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: even know what was going to happen. But we were
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: in the car and she started talking about you know,
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: life choices and this boyfriend and you know, what she
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: wanted to do after school, and the fape that she
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: might want to travel, and our previous conversations have been
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: me kind of trying to talk her out of all
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: of those things.
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  Speaker 3: I don't want her.
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: To travel around the world right now, you know, once
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  Speaker 1: she finished high school, I don't want her to have
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: a boyfriend. I don't want her to you know, do
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: x y and zed and then I kind of realized,
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: with Wendy's help and with a little bit of you know,
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: kind of introspective thinking, that that's exactly what I wanted.
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: I wanted all of those things, And I said to her,
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: I just had to have a really honest, open conversation
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: with her, I said, Ella. I said, as a parent,
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: letting go is one of the scariest things you'll ever
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: be asked to do. Whether it's your almost seventeen year
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: old telling you she has a boyfriend, or your eighteen
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: year old wanting to travel around the world, or watching
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: her pick a career you know isn't well suited to
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: her skills or strength. Yet the reality is it's actually
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: not my journey, it's hers, and I have to celebrate
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: the fact that she is making decisions for herself and
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: she's going in her direction because she's choosing it.
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: All this parenting game, it's all about growth. Great story,
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: I'll do better tomorrow. So the idea is, let's control
• 12:18
  Speaker 2: a little less and let's celebrate their optimism and hope
• 12:21
  Speaker 2: and excitement for the future.
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: It felt really really good to connect with her and
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: to have that conversation, and you know, kind of further
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: to that just realizing that I am looking through the
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: lens of a forty plus year old woman with experience
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: and seeing all the pitfalls and wanting to stop my
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: children from having those experiences because they hurt. It hurts
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: when you fall, right. But the reality is, when I
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: look back on my own life, I recognize and know
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: that it's those pitfall, those those hard times that have
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: helped me to grow and mold me into the person
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: I am today, and I wouldn't change any of that.
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: I'm going to call that winning. We have you enjoyed
• 12:58
  Speaker 2: the podcast. If you do enjoy the podcast, we love
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: it when you visit Apple Podcasts and leave a rating
• 13:04
  Speaker 2: and review. It's the reviews that help people to find
• 13:06
  Speaker 2: the podcast and have happier families. The Happy Families podcast
• 13:10
  Speaker 2: is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. Thank you Justin,
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: and our executive producer as always is Craig Bruce. If
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: you'd like more information about how we can help make
• 13:18
  Speaker 2: your family happier, please jump online to Happy Families dot
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: com dot au.