Latest / Healthier Together: Larimer County's Public Health Podcast / How to be a Trusted Adult

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How to be a Trusted Adult · Healthier Together: Larimer County's Public Health Podcast

0:04
Welcome to Healthier Together, Larimer County's
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public health podcast, where we come together
0:08
for healthier lives, connected communities and
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real conversations. From your local public health
0:13
team, I'm your host, Tom. And I'm Joanna. Today,
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we're talking about what it means to be a trusted
0:19
adult. Whether you're a parent, caregiver, educator
0:22
or mentor, having conversations with teens about
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tough topics like substance use, mental health
0:28
and sexual and reproductive health can be challenging.
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Building a trusting relationship can make those
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conversations easier and have a lasting impact
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on a young person's well -being. Our guest today
0:39
is Kimber Cook, Program Manager at Action for
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Healthy Kids. Kimber is here to share practical
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strategies for having tough conversations and
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building meaningful connections with young people.
0:51
Kimber, thank you so much for joining us. Yeah,
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thank you for having me. To start, can you just
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tell us a little bit about Action for Healthy
0:57
Kids and Trusted? Yeah, so Action for Healthy
1:00
Kids is a national nonprofit that works with
1:03
schools, districts, and community organizations
1:06
to benefit the health of children using the whole
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child health model. So we have all kinds of different
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pillars, physical activity, nutrition, all of
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that. And I work in the substance use and risk
1:17
behavior prevention pillar. And then TrustEd,
1:20
which was a project funded by the Colorado Department
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of Law. resulted out of the settlement from the
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Juul cases that occurred nationwide. So Juul
1:29
is a manufacturer of nicotine delivery devices
1:32
or vapes. And they were sued by multiple states
1:35
a few years ago based on the fact that they were
1:38
marketing to young people. And the states won
1:40
a lot of money from that. And the money was managed
1:42
by the Colorado Department of Law, the Colorado
1:45
Attorney General. And so we won a grant to do
1:48
work around trusted adult relationships as protective
1:50
factors. It's part of Trusted. We did a lot of
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research. We did our literature review, our background
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work. Something else that was really awesome
1:58
that we were able to do was actually interact
2:00
with young people. So we held focus groups in
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a few locations in Colorado in person, and a
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lot of our data and our end product is informed
2:08
by what we learned from those young people. So
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really grateful to them for their contributions
2:13
to the process. I'm really excited to share what
2:16
we learned from them today. So what do we mean
2:19
when we talk about being a trusted adult or an
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askable adult? It's a good question. This was
2:24
our main question for the young people when we
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spoke to them. And after we collected the data
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and their opinions, we came to the formal definition
2:30
of a trusted adult being someone a young person
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can rely on to create space for vulnerability,
2:36
growth, and connection. And why is establishing
2:40
trust important? How does it change the way that
2:44
those tough conversations go or maybe the impact
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that they have? Yeah, I mean, trust is huge.
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Trust really dictates how much a young person
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is going to share with you. If they expect judgment
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or punishment or negative response from you,
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they're unlikely to disclose sensitive personal
3:01
information to you. But if they expect curiosity
3:04
and care and someone who comes from the angle
3:07
of your health matters to me. they're much more
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likely to disclose. And that is where we get
3:11
the protective factor of trusted adults is when
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young people are willing to go to an adult and
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say, hi, I have something that maybe I don't
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really feel comfortable talking about, but you've
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made me feel safe in your presence. And so I'm
3:22
going to share it with you versus trying to handle
3:24
it on their own or just with their peers or things
3:27
like that. Protective factors are things that
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may prevent you from making an unhealthy or unsafe
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decision, or they may advise when you make those
3:37
decisions. a more safe way to say that. So if
3:41
you're going to do drugs, maybe tell an adult.
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If you're going to make a risky decision, understand
3:45
the world around you versus your brain saying,
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all gas, no brake. It's in the literature. The
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Healthy Kids Colorado survey measures trusted
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adult relationships as protective factors against
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substance use, poor mental health, violence,
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sexual health risks, all of those things. So
3:59
trusted adults are really important in the world.
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And one important thing I wanted to note about
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being a trusted adult is You can be willing to
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be a trusted adult. You can make yourself available
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to be a trusted adult. But ultimately, a trusted
4:12
adult is chosen by the young person. You can
4:14
do all the things that you want to do exactly
4:16
the way you want to do it. And if a young person
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just isn't feeling that, there's not much you
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can do to force that relationship. But it's really
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about doing the work, putting the work in to
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be ready when they do come to you. So Kimber,
4:27
on that note, are there some common do's and
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don'ts for establishing trust when navigating
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some of these tough conversations? Totally. And
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a lot of them are. common pitfalls that adults
4:36
fall into when they're trying to be relatable
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to young people. So some do's that I would encourage
4:41
is being curious, always leading with questions
4:44
like, how did that feel for you? Letting the
4:47
young person write their own story about what
4:49
happened. Being respectful of boundaries. If
4:52
a young person is sharing with you, that doesn't
4:53
automatically mean all doors are open. And so
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if you start to feel some resistance, you should
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be ready to respect their boundaries on that.
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I also think it's just really important, and
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this does not usually need to be said, but It's
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important to be honest, especially if you don't
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know the answer to something. So if a young person
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comes to you and is like, I need help figuring
5:12
out, you know, help with my substance use issues,
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but you're not a substance use expert, it's okay
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to say something like, I actually don't know
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that much about substance use, but what if we
5:20
look into it together? So it's important to be
5:22
willing to be vulnerable in front of young people.
5:24
And then some don'ts are interrogation. Sometimes
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it can feel like rapid fire questions because
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we feel like we want to know. everything, all
5:32
the details that we can make an informed response.
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But I think a confident, trusted adult actually
5:37
doesn't need to know that much information to
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provide support to a young person. So I think
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a common don't would be assuming your authority
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over young people, assuming you know already
5:46
why something happened or minimizing their feelings.
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A lot of times, big feelings in a young person
5:52
seem like something that might not be a big deal
5:55
to adults. And so we can commonly try to calm
5:58
them down by saying something like, oh, well,
6:00
it's not that big a deal. Or you're 14, how much
6:03
can your boyfriend mean to you? Things like that,
6:05
when it's really easy to validate instead. And
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I know we'll talk about validation a little bit
6:09
later. But really, the main thing that we learned
6:12
from young people was warm and firm boundaries,
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being clear that I'm an adult supporting you,
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I'm not your friend. And there's different behaviors
6:19
when friends and adults interact with young people.
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And so being trusted doesn't mean you have no
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expectations and all doors are open, all limits
6:26
are off with you and me. It just really means
6:28
that I communicate clearly that I care for you
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and these are the limits of what I can do for
6:33
you, but I can help you find other things if
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that's what we need to do. So in that same vein,
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are there some common things that adults maybe
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just have kind of a knee -jerk reaction to that
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they think are, hey, you know, this is something
6:44
that we'd come into with a good intention, but,
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you know, might actually make somebody less likely
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to open up? A hundred percent. Actually, one
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of the things we learned during our research
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for Trusted was oversharing on behalf of the
6:54
adult. And so a lot of times as adults, we We
6:58
show that we're empathizing. We show that we're
7:00
connecting with people's story by sharing our
7:02
own experience. But what we learned from young
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people was that that can feel dismissive or like
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you're assuming their experience with something.
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And so if a young person says like, oh, I'm going
7:11
through a really hard time with like my parents'
7:13
divorce or I'm having a hard time with school
7:15
sports, and the adult decides to talk about their
7:17
own current adult problems, like I'm currently
7:19
having relationship problems or things like that.
7:22
Me, me, me. Yeah. Except then the young person
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is like, OK, I guess we're solving your problems
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now. And so what we learned from young people
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was first to ask about their experience instead
7:30
of assuming you understand it. So good questions
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like, how did that feel when that happened? Or
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how did you respond in that moment? Or now that
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you've had a couple of minutes, how do you feel
7:39
now? Things like that. And then if you're going
7:42
to share experiences, young people told us that
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they should be brief and relevant and also. ideally
7:49
from when you were their age so there's not much
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that a 14 or 15 year old can can gleam from the
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story of a 55 year old but if you say yeah when
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i was in your shoes i had a similar experience
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and here's how i overcame it it should be hopeful
8:02
helpful and limited like very short and brief
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just so they get the point not like a whole therapy
8:08
session for you so how much should adults be
8:10
listening versus talking then when they're having
8:13
these conversations yeah that's a great that's
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a great question there's no required ratio but
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Honestly, during a difficult conversation, the
8:20
young person should probably be doing more of
8:21
the talking. There's always times when young
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people kind of go off the edge and you have to
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bring them back to focus. And I think that's
8:28
like just a conversational skill that adults
8:29
can have. But one thing that happens in a trusted
8:33
adult conversation is you finally think like,
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oh, it's happening. Like I've done it. I've earned
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it. And so you feel this pressure to say the
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right thing, the perfect thing. Like I have to
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drop unbelievable wisdom on this child right
8:45
now. And that's just not. the case, likely if
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you're doing your best and putting your best
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foot forward, you're actually probably going
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to make a mistake or say something that you wish
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you didn't say, all those kinds of things. And
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so you just have to be confident that just showing
8:59
up and doing your best is actually the most important
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thing. And then being a trusted, perfect, trusted
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adult is the icing on top of everything else.
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So the most important skill, I think, is just
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creating space for the young person to say what
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they need to say and also being comfortable with
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silence. If a young person says something and
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you just feel the need to let space be held for
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what they just said, oftentimes they will keep
9:20
talking. So there's some power in silence and
9:23
really just your confidence in leading the conversation.
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So what else would you say good listening skills
9:28
look like in these kind of environments? Something
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that the young people pointed out to us was that
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they're watching adult behavior very closely.
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And so if they feel like they're bugging you,
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they're going to want to leave. Like they don't
9:39
want to sit there and pour their guts out. And
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that's fine if you're busy, but you need to be
9:42
clear to them. I'm busy right now. Can we talk
9:44
later? So obviously active listening, let the
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young person drive and feel understood. Like
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I said, questions like how did that make you
9:51
feel? How did you respond? Let's them put into
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words what they're experiencing themselves, which
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is different from saying you seem like you were
9:58
mad about that or I would be mad if I were you.
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It's really just letting them define how it how
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it felt for them. And then we also just again,
10:07
sometimes we get so caught up in wanting to drop
10:09
the perfect knowledge that we start rehearsing
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what we're going to say. before the other person
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is done speaking. And that is not active listening.
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That's, you know, taking it back onto your plate.
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And so I just think the most confident thing
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you can do is listen. Take a moment. If you need
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to take a beat, it's okay to say, give me a second
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to digest that and then come back with what you
10:28
think. And like I said, it's always okay to say,
10:31
am I understanding you correctly? Or how would
10:33
you say you experienced that? Or those kinds
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of things. Let them put it into their own words.
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A really helpful question that we like to have
10:41
adults use is, what kind of support do you need
10:43
right now? Do you want me to listen? Do you need
10:45
me to help you think through options? Or can
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I help you do something about what's happening?
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So really letting the young person decide the
10:53
action that comes from the conversation. Gotcha.
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So that's in the midst of the conversation, though.
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But how can an adult help kind of build that
10:59
trust before these conversations happen? Trust
11:02
is built over a lot of small moments and not
11:04
one giant crisis moment. Sometimes we can secure
11:07
trust in a crisis if we show up as an authority
11:10
figure. But if we want a long standing, trusting
11:13
adult relationship, it's little instances over
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time. So one of the main points is showing genuine
11:19
care. So showing interest in them when nothing
11:21
is wrong. How did your sports game go? Did you
11:24
get a haircut? It looks nice. You know, just
11:26
showing that you pay attention and value the
11:27
young person's experience. If they had a big
11:30
event, can you put it in your calendar to check
11:32
in with them after and see how it went? And remembering
11:34
what matters to them. It's generally if one of
11:37
them shares like, oh, it's really important to
11:39
me to become the captain of the soccer team,
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then later don't be like, do you play sports?
11:43
Because obviously you weren't paying attention
11:44
to the values of that young person. Another important
11:47
thing that I mentioned a little earlier was respecting
11:49
a not right now or another boundary. Trust is
11:52
sometimes most actively cultivated when you respect
11:57
the other person's boundary to not have you in
11:59
their space right now. Like that just shows that
12:01
your respect for their space, for their mental
12:02
state, all those kinds of things. So being willing
12:05
for that. And then the last thing that I really
12:08
wanted to mention was young people pointed out
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to us that they really pay attention to how adults
12:14
are treating other young people. So it's important.
12:17
We obviously form different relationships with
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all the young people that are around us in our
12:21
lives. However, if we give preferential treatment
12:24
to some young people or we're more strict with
12:26
other young people, just depending on the context
12:28
of our relationship, that can make you untrustworthy
12:31
or they might think like you act if you context
12:33
switch, you act differently around other people.
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And so. That makes me wonder what you're doing
12:37
when I'm not around. And so I think if you decide
12:39
you want to be a role model, a trusted adult,
12:41
that needs to be the same across the board so
12:43
that young people feel like you're a figure that
12:46
treats all young people with the same respect
12:48
and they can all trust you in the same way. You
12:51
mentioned earlier the importance of avoiding
12:54
interrogation. How can adults go about asking
12:58
questions to learn more without making youth
13:00
feel judged and making them feel accepted in
13:03
those conversations? I would actually say that
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the first thing I would encourage is considering
13:08
whether you do judge them or not. A trusted adult
13:12
entering a respectful conversation has engaged
13:15
with their biases. And engaging with your biases
13:17
doesn't necessarily mean you're bias -free. It's
13:21
knowing what your biases may be. How do you feel
13:23
about young people that use substances? How do
13:25
you feel about young people who choose risk behaviors?
13:27
Before you enter the conversation with the young
13:29
people, you should be aware of how that might
13:31
show up in your reactions. So engaging with your
13:34
biases. I also just think open -ended questions,
13:36
like I've mentioned, let the young person articulate
13:39
or correct you if you seem like you're misunderstanding.
13:43
So allowing space to say, am I understanding
13:46
what you're saying correctly? And be okay if
13:48
they say, actually, no, that's not how I felt
13:50
or what I said. And sometimes that can set us
13:52
as trusted adults, you know, back a minute, like
13:55
we're like, whoa, I didn't expect you to say
13:56
that I don't actually understand that. But I
13:58
think it's important as a trusted adult. to have
14:01
enough respect for the young person that if they
14:03
correct you or tell you your misunderstanding,
14:05
we're both working towards the goal of your health.
14:07
And so whatever we have to do to have the same
14:09
understanding of that, let's have that conversation
14:11
versus I have five minutes, so I'm going to say
14:13
you're upset and I'm going to fix it. The last
14:16
thing that I was just going to say is in Trusted,
14:18
we really came with the statement of being a
14:20
respectful steward of a young person's story.
14:22
When a young person chooses to share their story
14:26
with you in any capacity, That's trust in itself.
14:29
And so the way that you manage that story, whether
14:31
you go and share that with your colleagues, whether
14:33
you keep that to yourself, all those kinds of
14:35
things, those are things the young person is
14:37
going to notice. So just making sure that you're
14:39
being a respectful steward of someone else's
14:41
story when they're sharing it with you. I imagine
14:44
for lots of parents, especially, it's really
14:48
easy to jump into problem solving mode when youth
14:51
come to them with some of these questions or
14:53
issues. Do you have any tips for avoiding jumping
14:57
to that problem -solving mode? I think it takes
15:01
a lot of self -control in those moments. And
15:04
I think the first thing you need to do is ground
15:06
yourself in your priority. Is your priority the
15:09
young person's health and well -being? Because
15:11
if that's the case, then the way you respond
15:13
is very different from what you might have been
15:15
your knee -jerk reaction. And that's normal.
15:17
If you're a parent or an adult, we want to protect
15:19
young people. Our instinct is action to fix whatever
15:23
the problem is. But if we ground ourselves in
15:25
the fact that no matter what we're talking about,
15:27
whatever the issue is, my priority is the health
15:30
and safety of this young person, then that can
15:32
be influential in the path that we choose forward.
15:35
So the way you choose to respond changes a lot
15:38
if you're working to find an answer versus prioritizing
15:41
a young person's well -being. So if I just assume
15:43
unconditional positive regard, you're just a
15:46
person living your life, how does that maybe
15:48
soften the response that I'm going to have? One
15:51
important note here is to know whether your role
15:53
makes you a mandatory reporter or not. So we
15:56
like to touch on that a lot. Being upfront with
15:58
young people about confidentiality. So if you're
16:01
an educator or a school social worker versus
16:04
a parent, there's different responsibilities
16:05
for what you can keep secret and what you can't.
16:07
So sometimes if a young person is about to share
16:10
information with you and you know you're a mandatory
16:12
reporter, it's important to tell them ahead of
16:14
time. I really appreciate that you're coming
16:16
to me with this information. You should know
16:18
that if you disclose these kinds of things, I
16:20
have to take action because some young people
16:22
won't want you to do that. And it's their right
16:24
to know if you're going to make that choice or
16:25
not around them. So, yeah. And all I would really
16:28
say is that sometimes adults rush into solutions
16:30
just because we're uncomfortable with the young
16:33
person's discomfort. But being a trusted adult
16:35
means tolerating some of that discomfort alongside
16:38
them, showing them how to be in that discomfort,
16:40
be in an uncomfortable position and then navigate
16:43
your way out of it versus. I will solve it for
16:45
you. It's a lot about modeling as a trusted adult.
16:48
How can adults walk the line between validating
16:51
a young person's feelings without necessarily
16:54
agreeing with all of the decisions that they've
16:57
made? Sometimes we accidentally say something
16:59
that we don't mean, like everybody does drugs
17:01
or something like that. And we obviously don't
17:03
want it. We still want to model healthy decision
17:05
making. And so a useful distinction we like to
17:07
share here is that validation is not endorsement.
17:09
So you can communicate your feelings make sense
17:12
to me. I can understand how you got there. without
17:14
saying, I think that choice was safe and healthy.
17:16
Those are two different things. And young people
17:18
are in tune enough to understand the difference
17:20
between those statements. So for example, if
17:23
a young person says they started vaping because
17:24
they were overwhelmed and they need to calm down,
17:26
which is a huge leading reason why we see young
17:28
people use tobacco and nicotine products, you
17:30
might say something like, I can understand why
17:33
you reached for something that gives you quick
17:34
relief, but maybe we can talk about what else
17:36
might help you when you're feeling that way that's
17:38
maybe a healthier choice for you. So that response
17:41
does three things at once. validates the emotion,
17:43
names the health concern, and then also keeps
17:46
the young person involved in what's happening
17:47
next. So not, you're not vaping anymore. I'm
17:49
taking your vape and you're going to therapy.
17:51
It's more like, let's work on this together so
17:54
that you know that I'm invested in your health,
17:56
but I also teach you how to be invested in your
17:58
health. So how should adults respond when they
18:02
don't have the answer to one of these questions
18:04
that somebody's bringing to them? I think it's
18:06
really important to be willing to say you don't
18:08
know. It's not advised to make something up.
18:12
or try to figure out something along the way.
18:16
Being askable doesn't mean that you're an encyclopedia,
18:19
like you know everything that's happening around
18:21
you. It just means that you're a trustworthy
18:22
person for a young person to approach to figure
18:25
things out with. So something we like to say
18:28
is, I don't know. That's a really good question.
18:30
Let's find out together and then show them. Open
18:33
your computer, show them how to find information,
18:35
how to look through reputable resources, how
18:38
to find help when you need it. the kind of behavior
18:41
that young people need to see from adults versus
18:43
this adult has all the answers and is always
18:45
going to solve everything for me. So it's really
18:47
an opportunity to model decision making and information
18:50
finding versus show yourself as an authority
18:52
figure on every topic. And I'm assuming then
18:55
that this also means that you should also follow
18:56
up when you don't know. Yes, follow up is very
18:59
important, especially in trust building. If you
19:01
say you're going to do something, you need to
19:02
follow up and do it. And if for some reason you
19:05
can't do it, it's equally as important to find
19:07
the young person and communicate why and tell
19:09
them that you're not going to be doing what you
19:10
said and here's the reasons why. Either way,
19:13
you can't have this connection with a young person
19:15
and then send them off into the world and then
19:16
you never talk to them again. That's going to,
19:18
one, impact your relationship and then might
19:20
impact their choice to trust adults moving forward
19:23
as well. So follow through is one of the clearest
19:26
ways to build trust. It shows the young person
19:27
that you didn't forget about them, that you were
19:30
listening and what they said was important to
19:31
you. And then. Also, when you follow up, it's
19:34
important to be thoughtful of the setting. So
19:36
are you pulling aside a young person in the school
19:39
cafeteria? Are you pulling them out of sports
19:41
practice to talk to them hush -hush on the sideline?
19:43
Or are you pulling your young person out of hanging
19:45
out with their friends to talk to them? Like
19:47
maybe that's more negative than positive for
19:49
a young person. So being mindful of where you're
19:52
talking to them. Hey, can you swing by my classroom
19:54
a little later and we can check in? Or if it's
19:56
appropriate to text a young person, a simple
19:59
message can give them an opportunity to answer
20:01
on their own time. hey, no pressure to respond
20:04
right now, but I wanted to check in, something
20:06
like that. Put it in their court. Let them answer
20:08
when it's time, when it's private for them. But
20:11
if texting isn't appropriate, I would suggest
20:13
giving at least some control over the timing.
20:16
So I wanted to follow up on what we talked about.
20:18
Are you willing to swing by sometime so we can
20:20
talk privately? Things like that. Let the young
20:22
person determine when you're going to re -engage
20:24
with this emotional topic with them. The goal
20:27
is protect privacy without making a young person
20:29
feel singled out and really follow up should
20:32
feel supportive and not like surveillance. So
20:33
if a young person is giving signals that they're
20:36
kind of done talking about this, it's not your
20:38
job to pursue more and more and more conversation
20:40
out of them. It's just to show them that you're
20:42
still there if they still want to talk to you
20:44
about it. So you've talked about the importance
20:45
of kind of being chosen almost by a young person.
20:48
Hey, I'm going to divulge this to you. But I
20:50
would imagine there's some situations where an
20:52
adult wants to have one of these more difficult
20:54
conversations. How would you say somebody should
20:57
start one of those? A good rule of thumb here
20:59
is that the best difficult conversations often
21:01
don't start as difficult conversations. Things
21:04
feel much bigger, much scarier, more emotional
21:07
if we're like, let's sit down, we need to talk
21:09
versus making it seem more approachable just
21:12
by weaving sensitive topics into their normal
21:14
life rather than waiting for a crisis moment.
21:16
So talking about things early and often, casual
21:19
approach, just making sure that you're sharing
21:21
factual information with young people. And then
21:23
I would say leading with curiosity again instead
21:26
of an agenda. So rather than opening with what
21:28
you want to teach them, like we need to talk
21:29
about vaping, vaping is bad for you. You could
21:32
ask questions about what they already know or
21:34
maybe how they already feel. So what are you
21:35
seeing in your friends at school or what are
21:37
you seeing on social media with other kids? Like
21:40
what does this look like for you? And let them
21:42
start to articulate their experience for themselves.
21:44
Another nice way to get someone talking is to
21:48
use kind of a tertiary effect. Asking about the
21:50
world around them versus them directly might
21:52
allow them to share information about themselves
21:54
that they're not willing to state directly. I'm
21:57
using this substance or I'm doing this thing.
21:59
So they could say something like kids at school
22:01
are doing this or like, what are the kids around
22:04
you doing? What are your friends doing? And then
22:06
understand that they may be sharing on behalf
22:08
of themselves. And so the way you respond is
22:10
important. So if they say like, oh, my friend
22:13
Kimber is using vapes at school. If you respond
22:16
as an adult and say. oh, that's gross. Like,
22:19
Kimber should not be doing that. That's so bad
22:20
for her. That could inadvertently shut down the
22:23
young person from ever sharing or divulging to
22:25
you that they're using substances. So you can
22:27
respond in a more supportive way. Like, that's
22:31
probably not the choice I would make for Kimber.
22:33
Why do you think she's doing that? And then kind
22:35
of dig into it in a more tertiary way. So just
22:38
the last thing I want to say about that is that
22:40
the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services
22:41
Administration, SAMHSA, just advises to keep
22:44
it appropriate and conversational. Sometimes
22:47
when we get young people in this conversation,
22:49
again, like I said earlier, they're like, we
22:51
did it, we're here. And we can want to just throw
22:53
information at them, but that can be overwhelming.
22:55
So it's important for the adult to feel in control,
22:58
ready to stop when the young person stops, light
23:01
pressure, all those kinds of things. So are there
23:04
ways that adults can kind of use these everyday
23:05
moments to then start some of these more uncomfortable
23:08
topics? Everyday life gives adults a lot of openings
23:11
to feel less confrontational. If something happens
23:14
in a TV show, a movie, or you see a TikTok, some
23:17
kind of song or something, or even a comment
23:20
from another family member can be a conversation
23:21
starter. So immediately, instead of giving your
23:24
opinion, you could say something like, oh, this
23:26
made me think about something I wanted to ask
23:27
you about. Instead of being like, I showed you
23:29
this movie so we can talk about smoking. It's
23:31
like, oh, I see like they're smoking in this
23:33
movie. What do you think about that? Like, are
23:34
your friends smoking or what's the plan over
23:36
there? So using those as opportunities to casually
23:39
bring it up. One other thing that can be very
23:42
beneficial is capitalizing on side -by -side
23:44
moments. So one thing that is a very useful skill,
23:48
car rides, cooking together, walking your dog,
23:51
running errands or something that can make a
23:52
sensitive topic feel less intense because it's
23:55
less prolonged eye contact directly looking at
23:57
an adult. So a lot of times you can say like,
24:00
hey, you want to go with me and we'll get a coffee
24:02
and then talk on the way there in the car. And
24:04
then when you get out of the car, it's over.
24:05
Things like that can make it seem a lot less
24:07
scary for a young person because they can look
24:09
forward, they can touch their coffee, those kinds
24:11
of things makes it a lot less intimidating. So
24:14
what I would really say here is you don't have
24:16
to wait for the perfect moment to plan one giant
24:18
conversation. The goal is to make these topics
24:20
normal enough that when something serious does
24:22
happen, talking to you about it doesn't feel
24:24
brand new or new or scary. It's like we've already
24:26
talked about this before. Now let's use our skills
24:29
together. How often would you say then should
24:31
parents or guardians be checking in with their
24:33
kids regarding mental health or substance or
24:36
sexual health? The goal really is for topics
24:39
like mental health, substance use, other health
24:41
discussions to become normal enough that they
24:44
don't automatically mean crisis or punishment
24:46
or something like that. So frequently enough
24:49
that the young person is comfortable with the
24:50
conversation topic and not thinking, oh, no,
24:53
we're going into uncharted territory. Things
24:54
are about to get crazy in here. So regular low
24:57
pressure conversations are just a lot better
24:59
than waiting until something big goes wrong.
25:01
It doesn't have to be every day at dinner. You
25:03
talk about the top five, like biggest health
25:05
threats to young people. It just can be, you
25:07
know. When you drive them to school once a week,
25:09
just talking about what's going on in their world
25:11
or if they need anything from you can be enough
25:14
to show them you're there. Let's say that you
25:16
try to start one of these conversations and,
25:18
you know, your child doesn't even want to open
25:21
up to you about some of the simple things. Like,
25:22
how was your day at school? And it was fine.
25:25
I'm definitely guilty of that. Yeah. How should
25:28
an adult respond? Yeah, I think, first of all,
25:31
it's important to not assume that that's personal.
25:34
A lot of times when we're trying to make a relationship
25:36
with a young person or with anybody, we assume
25:38
that their unwillingness to be emotionally intimate
25:42
with us is a sign that we're not providing for
25:45
them. But there's all kinds of other reasons,
25:47
and it's usually not about you. The most important
25:49
thing is that you continue to show up and just
25:50
make sure that the young person knows if you
25:53
do want to talk, I'm here and I'm ready to talk
25:56
to you about it. So stay available, stay committed
25:58
to trust building. Young people told us in our
26:01
focus groups. That adults can ask difficult questions
26:04
that doesn't really bug them, but they also need
26:06
to respect when a young person is not comfortable
26:08
answering. So just knowing that the young person
26:11
sets the pace and as long as they're safe, as
26:15
long as you continue showing up, trying to build
26:17
trust, that's the best you can do. And then the
26:19
other thing I wanted to mention was just considering
26:21
potentially that you may not be the adult that
26:23
they need. A trusted adult is chosen by the young
26:27
person. And as much as we make ourselves available,
26:29
I'm your mom, I'm your dad, I'm your teacher,
26:31
whatever. That doesn't automatically mean that
26:34
a young person is going to trust you and choose
26:35
you as their adult. And so one thing that trusted
26:38
adults need to be open to is I might just be
26:42
a conduit for you to find the right trusted adult.
26:45
So if you're not going to talk to me about what
26:46
you're doing, can I help you find a coach or
26:49
a teacher that maybe relates to you on a better
26:51
level? So being humble enough to know that my
26:54
job here might not be to be your therapist, to
26:56
be the untire of your mental wires. It's just
26:59
that I might be able to help you. find somewhere
27:02
where you're safe so that takes a lot of work
27:05
especially when we want to be there for a young
27:07
person we love and care about them obviously
27:08
but sometimes the best way to show that love
27:10
and care is by helping them get somewhere where
27:13
they feel more supported even if that's not with
27:15
us how can an adult know when it's time to seek
27:19
outside professional support so maybe more than
27:22
just that trusted adult conversation but some
27:24
professional support with either substance use
27:26
or mental health A useful threshold that we use
27:29
in the field is duration, intensity and impact.
27:32
So SAMHSA that I mentioned earlier advises to
27:35
seek additional support when concerning emotions
27:37
or behaviors persist. So one bad day, one bad
27:40
mood is maybe not the time to call in professional
27:42
support. But if you notice a total change in
27:44
a young person's behavior, persistent anger,
27:47
that's like a good clue. And then also if they
27:50
cause significant distress. So if your young
27:52
person is missing school, missing sports. Having
27:55
fights with people they don't normally fight
27:56
with, things that are agitating, that's a good
27:58
sign that they might need help. And then also,
28:00
like I said, interfering with school, home life,
28:02
friendships, everyday functioning. Activities
28:05
of daily living are something that we use to
28:08
measure health. And so if a young person's activities
28:10
of daily living are suffering because of their
28:12
mental health, then that's something we need
28:14
to prioritize. They should be able to enjoy their
28:16
lives. And then really something important is
28:19
unless you are a therapist, a trusted adult is
28:21
not supposed to be a therapist. A useful phrase
28:24
if you find yourself in a situation where you
28:26
feel like you could use some professional help
28:28
would be, I believe you, I'm going to stay with
28:31
you, and we're going to find you somebody who
28:32
can help you. So that's validating. I'm here
28:35
with you. I'm still going to serve you, but I
28:37
can't troubleshoot this actual mental health
28:40
crisis for you. And then, of course, for immediate
28:42
mental health crisis, we advise call 911 or 988
28:45
the National Suicide Helpline. How have these
28:48
conversations changed over time? One really optimistic
28:52
thing that we figured out during Trusted is that
28:55
we know so much about adolescent development,
28:58
and it gives us a lot of clues and tools to be
29:02
able to be successful in supporting them when
29:03
they're young. So we know the prefrontal cortex
29:06
is still developing, which helps us understand
29:08
that young people aren't always 100 % in control
29:10
of their planning, self -regulation. and empathy
29:13
they don't 100 think like adults all the time
29:16
you know like we think through things very logically
29:18
understanding that adolescence is a period of
29:21
really great brain plasticity this is a good
29:24
time for us to mold young brains and so when
29:27
we get them in this situation where they're vulnerable
29:29
it's important that we model to them how to make
29:31
decisions so that they learn that it forms in
29:34
their brain and then they become a higher functioning
29:36
adult so We also understand a lot more about
29:38
protective factors and connectedness. Public
29:40
health is making huge leaps and bounds and understanding
29:43
protective factors around young people. We've
29:45
become really privileged to learn that if we
29:47
can educate adults on how to be trusted adults,
29:49
we can be better supporters of young people.
29:52
So I thought this really connected nicely with
29:54
Emily Humphrey, who you had on recently. And
29:57
she talked about alternatives, youth voice, protective
29:59
factors, all those things. And really just we
30:02
were kind of on the same page that adolescence
30:03
is a critical developmental period. Modernly,
30:07
youth have access to the Internet, social media,
30:11
AI chat. And I imagine that is often where they're
30:15
turning for answers to some of these questions.
30:18
How does that play a role in these conversations?
30:21
And how can parents, guardians, trusted adults
30:24
be aware of that and help kind of guide their
30:27
youth through that? Obviously, a challenge that
30:29
is becoming more and more apparent as the days
30:32
go on. We know that young people have access
30:34
to more information, misinformation, anonymous
30:37
advice, AI conversations than any previous generation.
30:40
One thing we need to be aware of is that adults
30:42
may no longer be our primary source of true information.
30:46
The opportunity here is to become the trusted
30:48
place where young people can bring information
30:50
back and make sense of it. So modeling. OK, so
30:54
this was on the Internet. Obviously, we all know
30:56
you can't believe everything you see on the Internet,
30:58
but. Many of us are sandwiched in the generation
31:00
where young people are talking to AI and then
31:02
adults are using AI generated images. The Internet
31:04
and AI, I think, make trusted adults more important,
31:07
not less. I think I want a young person to be
31:09
comfortable saying, I saw this online. Is it
31:12
true? Is there any more information you can help
31:14
me find? Things like that. So we really want
31:16
to avoid framing technology as the enemy because
31:19
like it or not, it's going to keep coming. So
31:20
we need to show young people how to exist next
31:22
to it. So if adults only say things like AI is
31:25
bad or social media is dangerous. Young people
31:27
may simply just stop sharing how they're using
31:29
it. They're probably not going to stop using
31:31
it. So that's all about risk behavior prevention
31:34
and, you know, providing a space for young people
31:36
to be truthful about what they're encountering.
31:39
And the last couple of things I wanted to mention
31:41
on that was just that we can use these opportunities
31:44
to model questioning sources and making informed
31:47
decisions. We can show young people what you
31:50
see is often not what you get. And so when you
31:52
see something on the Internet, consider where
31:54
it's coming from and then also consider. the
31:57
intentions of the individual it's coming from.
31:59
If it's on social media, there's likely a profit
32:02
associated with it. So if you know in your head
32:05
that this individual has something to gain from
32:08
my belief of what they're saying, how does that
32:10
feel different as opposed to when you thought
32:12
they were just posting out of their own goodwill,
32:13
those kinds of things. And so just teaching critical
32:16
thought when we use the internet is, I think,
32:18
the best thing we can do. We wanted to dive into
32:22
a few topics specifically that are important
32:25
to discuss with teens but can be difficult to
32:28
navigate. So first, when we're talking about
32:31
substances with youth, what's a good way for
32:34
a parent or an other trusted adult to bring up
32:36
things like alcohol, cannabis, tobacco? I think
32:40
in general, when we talk about risk behaviors,
32:43
so things like using drugs, using alcohol, or
32:46
even things like driving without a seatbelt,
32:48
not using sunscreen, unprotected sex, things
32:50
like that. Those are all behaviors that the trusted
32:53
adult principals can apply to. So as long as
32:56
we rely on what we've learned already, we can
32:58
apply that to all kinds of decisions that young
33:00
people make. So the Healthy Kids Colorado survey
33:03
in 2025 told us that a Colorado high school student
33:06
is 73 % less likely to report using electronic
33:09
vapor products in the last 30 days. if they perceived
33:12
unfavorable parent or guardian attitudes towards
33:15
use. So that's a big number. 73 % is a huge statistic,
33:19
but I want to just take a minute to look at that
33:21
a little more closely. The finding that youth
33:23
are much less likely to report vaping when they
33:26
perceive unfavorable parent behaviors is important,
33:29
but that's not necessarily a call to be harsher.
33:32
Adults should be willing to communicate clearly
33:34
their opinions on health and well -being and
33:37
what substances or decisions may benefit or...
33:41
not benefit your health and well -being so one
33:43
other thing we always mention is just looking
33:45
beneath the behavior so rather than assuming
33:48
that a young person is just vaping and that's
33:49
the answer a lot of times we find that young
33:51
people are using substances to deal with stress
33:53
and anxiety and then you can dig a little deeper
33:56
and address the root cause go a little more upstream
33:58
consider the behavior you're modeling so if you're
34:01
using substances if you are vaping in the car
34:04
on the way to work if you're using cannabis at
34:07
your house those are all your prerogative but
34:10
are you holding young people to a higher standard
34:12
than you? And are they seeing you using these
34:14
substances with little to no consequences? Because
34:16
we hear that all the time. Well, my parents buy
34:19
me vapes. I vape at home with my parents, things
34:21
like that. I don't know how a young person is
34:23
supposed to determine that that's an unhealthy
34:24
behavior if they see their family doing it. Is
34:28
there an appropriate age to start having conversations
34:31
about substances with youth? Earlier than many
34:33
adults think. So SAMHSA prevention resources
34:36
really recommend. as early as you're ready, age
34:39
-appropriate conversations in childhood and then
34:42
continuing through adolescence. So a nine -year
34:44
-old and a 16 -year -old get different conversations,
34:46
obviously, about substance use, but it's okay
34:48
to incorporate that early on. So the point really
34:51
is avoiding waiting until exposure has already
34:54
happened. We want the young person going into
34:56
the world already knowing what's in front of
34:59
them versus coming back and having a retroactive
35:01
conversation about it. In my work with the Colorado
35:04
Department of Public Health and Environment,
35:06
We do tobacco -free schools work, and we are
35:09
seeing an ask from schools and districts to provide
35:12
programming for elementary -level nicotine and
35:14
tobacco use. I would say that the earlier the
35:17
better because young people are being exposed
35:19
to things way earlier than we would assume. And
35:22
how can adults talk about the risks of substances
35:25
without relying on scare tactics? You can be
35:29
accurate, but... For my work with the Colorado
35:32
Department of Public Health and Environment,
35:33
we oversee a program called Second Chance, which
35:36
is used as an alternative to suspension for tobacco
35:38
and nicotine infractions in schools. And we just
35:40
rewrote it. And something that we were really
35:42
intentional about was avoiding scare tactics.
35:44
This is what it does to your mental health. Now
35:46
that you have that information, what decisions
35:48
are you going to make? One other thing is correcting
35:50
misconceptions. So this is a statistic we really
35:53
like to rely on in our tobacco and education
35:54
is the 2025 Healthy Kids Colorado survey results,
35:58
which are. reliable, well -calibrated data. They
36:01
had so many young people contribute to it this
36:04
year. It's really good data. They tell us that
36:06
10 percent of youth in Colorado vaped within
36:08
the last month. So 10 percent. So a lot of times
36:11
from young people, educators, we hear everybody's
36:13
doing it. Everyone is vaping. That's not actually
36:16
true. Most young people don't vape. Most young
36:19
people don't use tobacco and nicotine. And we
36:20
don't want to diminish their experience and say,
36:23
like, whatever you're experiencing, that's not
36:25
true. But if we zoom out. It's not normal. It's
36:28
not a normal thing to choose to do. That's not
36:30
going to make you fit in. And so having those
36:32
kinds of statistics on hand, obviously, you don't
36:34
want to just like throw out statistics at young
36:36
people like you were ready for this conversation.
36:37
But being able to say like, you know, are you
36:40
interested in hearing some more about what I
36:41
know about this? Or can we look up some information
36:43
together and then say, oh, my gosh, this thing,
36:45
140 ,000 students did it. And only 10 % of them
36:49
said that they are using tobacco and nicotine.
36:52
Like that's only 10%. Like if you have a dollar,
36:54
that's only a dime. Young people get really fired
36:57
up when they feel like they're being tricked
36:59
or conned into something. And so if you can explore
37:02
tobacco and nicotine advertisements and talk
37:07
about things like, why is this candy flavored?
37:10
Why does it have a game built into it? Things
37:11
like that. And you can lead them to the conclusion
37:14
that it's targeted at young people. That can
37:16
cause them to second guess buying into it or
37:18
becoming a customer themselves. So really just
37:21
providing them with the information around them
37:22
to make their own choice. making sure that you're
37:25
providing them information that's probably going
37:27
to benefit their choice to a healthier decision.
37:30
If an adult is concerned that a young person
37:34
is already using substances or maybe finds a
37:37
vape in a backpack when they didn't know that
37:39
they were using tobacco products, how can they
37:43
approach that conversation in a way to maintain
37:45
and build trust? Yeah. And that can be really
37:48
hard because that can be very jarring. So I think
37:50
the first thing that's important is to regulate
37:52
your own reaction. Take a beat. Remember all
37:54
the things we've talked about. Adolescents are
37:56
developing. The way you respond really matters.
37:58
So once you've centered yourself, address immediate
38:02
safety. So if there's something like actually
38:04
a problem, obviously take that away right then.
38:07
Like so if they're using a lighter unsafely or
38:09
things like that, like you don't want to try
38:11
to talk to them while they're doing something
38:12
unsafe. But once that's happened, find a calm,
38:14
private moment. describe what you know rather
38:17
than making accusations. So I was cleaning your
38:20
backpack. I found this vape. Can you tell me
38:23
about it? Versus I found this in your backpack
38:25
and now we're going to have a fight, that kind
38:27
of thing. And then just listening for context.
38:28
So again, that deeper level, experimentation,
38:31
my friends are doing it, stress, family influence,
38:34
things like that. And then just decide on next
38:37
steps together. So it's okay to say, I'm not
38:40
okay with you using vapes, especially in our
38:42
house. How can we come up with a plan? Do you
38:44
feel like this is a substance? that you're addicted
38:46
to because and then talk about what addiction
38:48
is. If you're addicted, we have to take more
38:50
steps. But if this is your first time and we
38:52
can just get rid of it and agree that you're
38:53
not going to do this again, then we can take
38:55
those steps. But really involving them in their
38:57
own decision making and sharing the power with
38:58
them is important. So really encouraging connection
39:01
before correction and connection before correction
39:05
doesn't mean there's no correction. It just shows
39:07
that you're on the same team. I'm on your side.
39:09
We both want you to be healthy and happy. So
39:11
let's figure that out. Obviously accountability
39:13
matters, but if the goal is behavior change,
39:16
we really have to ask ourselves whether our response
39:18
actually helps a young person understand what
39:20
happened or if we're just shutting them down
39:22
and showing them that what they did is shameful
39:24
or embarrassing. When talking about sexual health,
39:28
do you have any tips for ways that adults can
39:31
create an environment where youth feel comfortable
39:34
asking questions? Yeah. So sexual health isn't
39:37
my specific area of practice. So I wouldn't necessarily
39:40
position myself as a subject matter expert, but
39:43
I am in the field of public health and the same
39:45
tenets are true. So the trusted adult principles
39:47
absolutely apply, including avoiding shame or
39:50
teasing them for asking, making fun of them for
39:52
not knowing things, giving accurate information
39:55
and admitting when you don't know. So if they
39:57
ask a question about one of these topics and
39:59
you just have no idea, it's important to say.
40:02
I actually don't know. Should we learn together?
40:03
And that can be really positive for a young person
40:05
to know that asking questions is normal and finding
40:08
information is the right way to go about making
40:10
health decisions. What are some ways that adults
40:13
can talk about healthy relationships, consent,
40:16
setting boundaries in an age appropriate way?
40:19
A lot of this starts with what adults model,
40:22
not just what they teach. Young people learn
40:24
what respect looks like when adults respect their
40:27
privacy and their boundaries. They respect a
40:30
no or a not right now, take their feelings seriously,
40:33
apologize when you get something wrong, communicate
40:36
clearly, and involve them in the decisions that
40:39
affect them. So in TrustEd, we talk about relationships
40:41
being a two -way street. So sharing power, having
40:44
warm and firm boundaries, all the things that
40:46
you would do to nurture a relationship should
40:48
come into play with your relationship with young
40:49
people. Giving young people real life examples
40:52
of mutual respect shows them what it feels like
40:54
to be disrespected later. And they know that
40:56
they feel different than when they felt respected
40:58
by you. And that can help them with making decisions
41:00
that maybe are more protective of them. So one
41:03
other thing is that you can model that boundaries
41:05
are allowed to change. So if a young person says
41:07
they don't want to talk about something right
41:09
now, respecting that can teach them that their
41:11
comfort matters. But as they get older or later
41:13
on, they come back to you. It's OK to just not
41:16
make a big deal out of it and say, oh, yeah,
41:17
I was wondering if you were going to come back
41:18
and talk to me about it versus. finally, we've
41:20
cracked the code, like time to talk about these
41:22
things. So again, these are all better as ongoing
41:25
conversations and modeled behaviors rather than
41:27
one big talk. The one big talk can cause all
41:30
kinds of fight or flight in young people, and
41:31
then they're not going to gain anything from
41:33
what we're talking about. So really my main point
41:36
there would be that young people learn what respect
41:37
and boundaries look like partly by how we treat
41:40
them. So what's one conversation adults often
41:42
avoid that they really shouldn't? I think one
41:45
of the hardest and most important, most critical
41:47
conversations a young person and an adult can
41:49
have, is an adult asking a young person for feedback
41:52
when they know something has gone wrong. It can
41:55
be very difficult as an adult to admit that we
41:58
make mistakes, especially when we're dealing
42:00
with young people. We put a lot of pressure on
42:01
ourselves to do things right. And so when a young
42:04
person has feedback for us, that can be really
42:06
upsetting or really shake our foundation. And
42:08
so really what I think I'm trying to say is that
42:11
receiving feedback from young people, especially
42:13
when you're doing your best, can feel extremely
42:15
vulnerable. So it means being willing to hear
42:17
that you hurt someone or you or mishandled something
42:20
that you thought you did well on, those kinds
42:22
of things, even if you feel misunderstood. Like,
42:24
that's not what I intended to do. If a young
42:26
person didn't process it well, ultimately, that's
42:28
the young person's experience. So what I would
42:31
say, especially when you receive feedback, is
42:33
first instinct is to explain yourself. But that's
42:36
really not what young people want to hear. They
42:38
want to hear that you're understanding that you
42:40
did something that crossed a line for them and
42:42
that you'll try to do better later on. If we
42:45
jump straight to defending our intentions, we
42:47
can really miss acknowledging the impact we've
42:48
had on young people. So a trusted relationship
42:50
in general should have enough room for a young
42:53
person to say things like, that didn't feel good,
42:55
I didn't feel heard, or I wish you had handled
42:57
that differently. And the way that we model receiving
43:00
feedback can influence young people's ability
43:03
to handle feedback later on. Does Action for
43:06
Healthy Kids or Trusted have any resources for
43:09
people who work with youth that they can use
43:11
for these tough topics? Definitely. Action for
43:15
Healthy Kids has a ton of resources, many of
43:17
them available for free on our website. So that's
43:20
actionforhealthykids .org. Specifically, Trusted
43:22
would be trusteducation .actionforhealthykids
43:25
.org. Second Chance information can be found
43:27
at secondchancetobacco .org. Awesome. Kimber,
43:31
thank you so much for joining us today. Thank
43:32
you for having me. You can find links to learn
43:35
more about the topics we discussed today in the
43:37
show notes. If you have a question about public
43:40
health in Larimer County or a topic you'd like
43:42
us to discuss, Let us know. Email us at healthiertogetheratlarimer
43:47
.org. Thanks for listening, Larimer County. Until
43:50
next week, stay well, stay connected, and remember,
43:53
we really are healthier together.