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Insights And Strategies To Enhance Your Impact, With Your Host Melinda Lee · Speak In Flow

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  Melinda Lee: This day, we're going to talk about an important
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  aspect of influence. And that is deep listening. I have a
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  question for you, when you are about to meet with someone
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  interact or communicate with somebody, are you seeking
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  certainty, or clarity. And in order to illustrate these
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  concepts, I'm going to tell you a story what happened over the
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  weekend, I was at a baby shower and sitting on the couch
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  admiring the decorations, the balloons, the flowers, and then
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  my old client who happened to be there sat on the couch next to
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  me. And because we know each other very well, she starts
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  talking to me about her husband and says, Melinda, you know, my
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  husband has ADHD, he I not mad at him for having it, he cannot
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  help but have it yet, I am so frustrated and tired, because
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  he's not doing anything about it. He's not reading up on it,
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  he's not learning about it to help himself. And so I'm doing
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  so much I send him YouTube videos, or or give him an
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  article or a book. And yet, he just doesn't do anything. And so
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  it's quite frustrating for me, and I just don't know what to
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  do. So I turned around and asked her, I said, What do you think
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  he thinks about this? Like, when you look at him, is he happy in
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  his life? And she just looked back at me with this really
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  blank stare. I haven't never asked, I don't know what he
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  thinks about it. I don't know if he's happy? That's a good
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  question. That's a great point. And so I want to ask you, are
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  you seeking certainty or clarity? In that interaction,
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  she was seeking certainty, and clarifying in understanding her
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  own assumptions, or forging her own assumptions. So let me
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  explain a little bit more the difference between certainty and
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  clarity. Certainty is when we validate our own assumptions
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  with certainty is like, we want to know that we are right, or we
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  want to know we're what's about to happen is what we assume
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  that's about to happen. So we're constantly seeking certainty
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  because our brain loves it, it helps us feel safe, it helps us
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  feel like we know. And so for her, she was so certain, my
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  client was so certain that she had all the solutions, she had
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  all the answers. So she was trying to clarify her own
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  assumptions. And so this is happening all the time. And it's
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  not just her, we as people, as humans have biases. And we're
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  constantly seeking certainty to clarify our own biases, you
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  might see somebody walking down the street, and they're dressed
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  really nicely. And you might want to assume or infer that
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  this person has a nice job, they're responsible, or you're
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  about to go into a meeting. And this is a high person, that's
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  authority of you. And you may have had a bad interaction with
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  this person of authority. And so in your mind, your brain is
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  going to prepare you and assume that this might happen again,
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  because it just wants to feel certain. And it wants to know
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  and be prepared. If it's an unknown, it just wants to be
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  prepared. And so we're boring, our brain is doing that. But
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  what happens when we're constantly doing that is that we
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  start to bring in our own assumptions into the reality,
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  what we think is a reality. And it might not be the other
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  person's reality. And it might not be with the other person
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  where that person is at. And so there's a disconnect between the
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  person that person reality and my reality. So we want to move
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  more into clarity and seeking clarity in our own in the other
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  person's world has nothing to do with us now. So we are moving
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  into the other person's world and asking genuine questions,
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  seeking clarity about where the other person's at, in my case
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  with that my client, she couldn't ask genuine questions
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  about where her husband is at today. And I'm saying today,
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  because people change, I change. And so you change. And so we
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  always want to see clarity of where the person is at today.
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  What is motivating them today? What are they feeling today? Do
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  they feel that they even have a problem to be solved? And so
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  asking genuine questions, if you want to influence your team
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  member, you want to ask genuine questions, what might be holding
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  them back? What they might be resisting, they're playing a
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  story in their head of why they're resisting or why they
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  don't want to do what they do. And so it's your job to see and
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  understand that story and draw it out from them. And if you've
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  done it correctly, they will tell you that That means that
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  you are connected to them. And that is your whole goal is to
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  listen deeply without judging. And if they don't feel judged,
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  if they don't feel evaluated, then they're going to tell you
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  their story. And when you hear that story out, then you could
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  potentially seek inconsistencies with what they're saying, or
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  bring in your specific solution that is right for them in this
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  moment. And that is the key. So listening deeply, without
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  judgement, forging that connection, that trust and
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  leveraging your own influence in that way. People don't want to
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  be told what to do. You want to motivate them, because you want
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  them to want to do it. And so my question to you is, are you
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  seeking certainty and validating your own assumptions? validating
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  that you have all the solutions? And you're right? Or are you
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  seeking clarity and understanding of the other
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  person's worlds? I have an activity for you a fun activity
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  you can do right after this podcast, I want you to start to
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  be aware of your own mindset. When it comes to these
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  interactions. Are you seeking certainty and validate your
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  assumptions, or clarity, there is a storytelling approach
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  called character creation, and cost play. So in character
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  creation, you get all these traits. And then you can create
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  a story based on that trait, you can create their behaviour, you
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  can create the motivation of that character. That sounds like
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  clarifying our own assumptions, right? That sounds like
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  certainty. And so are you doing that? Are you getting the traits
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  of this person and looking at that person's trait and creating
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  your own story? Or are you moving into cosplay, and cosplay
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  is a method where you go into the realm of this environment,
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  you don't know what is about to happen, you don't know the
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  character. So want you to go even if you've known this
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  person, or even if you had interactions with this person,
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  constantly seek clarity, and move into the realm of cost
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  play, which is really just seeking to understand the person
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  today, as if you've never met them before. What is happening
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  today? What are their feelings today? What are their problems
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  today? They might not know what their problem is? And you by
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  asking genuine questions can help them clarify this problem?
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  And asking, what is the impact of the problem? Oh, it's
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  impacting your relationships, it's impacting your health, they
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  might see that, then only then you might offer for them to
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  figure out their own solution. So what do you think might help?
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  What do you think are the best next steps for you, then the
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  person feels more motivated to help themselves versus coming in
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  with our own assumptions of what we might think that they need.
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  So moving into understanding, first seeking to understand the
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  person deep listening without judgement, just accepting the
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  roam the environment, the character as is, and then
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  helping him or her to clarify their situation, and possibly
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  their own solutions. So this is a very different way of
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  listening and influencing. And when you do this, when you're
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  able to listen at this level, you are increasing your your
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  trust, and building that trust and that connection, forging
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  meaningful relationships. And then and only then will your
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  influence skyrocket. Because you're there for them. You're
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  helping them see their own problem, clarifying their own
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  solutions based on what they want to do. And when you can do
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  that you're building their relationship, you're then
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  therefore making a bigger impact in that person's life. And
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  therefore impacting more people, perhaps your team impacting the
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  organisation and you are seeing even more so as that powerful,
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  effective leader that you are. I hope that you take these these
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  tips for deep listening, forging meaningful connection and
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  building trust and making a bigger influence in the world.
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  And so, until next time, I'll see you on the next episode.
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  Take care