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S2 Ep2: What Only White People Would Do – Comedy Edition 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_05: Because I care.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_05: I'm trying to help you.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_05: Y'all do shit that no other culture does.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_05: God damn it.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_05: This is the uh way people getting chewed up by shark season.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_05: I'm 52 years old.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_05: All the years I've been on this earth, y'all keep getting chewed up by sharks.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_05: When the fuck y'all gonna learn?
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_05: Why do y'all go out that far?
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_05: That's where they at?
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_05: You ain't heard of a chewed up nigga nowhere on earth.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_05: We go waist high.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_05: Y'all seen us at the beach splash around, make it look like we're doing some shit.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_05: Nigga feel some seaweed.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_05: Nigga, something.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_05: Y'all kids get out that water.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_05: We don't even go get the kids.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_05: Do what daddy talked to swim, nigga.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_05: Nigga jump out dry, nigga.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_05: I joke around, man.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_05: Love who you love.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_05: You understand me?
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_05: I see interracial couples in here, nigga.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_05: And my nigga, you know, you with your white woman tonight.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_05: You taking a chance.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_05: That's all I'm saying, nigga.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_05: Love who you love, but nigga, you taking a chance.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_05: She got that phone call she can make, man.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_05: All she gotta do is 9-1-1.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_05: He's raping me.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_05: Nigga, you going to jail.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_05: Who you think they gonna believe, nigga?
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_05: I ain't fucking around.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_05: Sally, you're safe with him.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_05: But love who you love, man.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_05: You know how hard it is for y'all to be in an interracial relationship?
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_05: Y'all was probably tortured on the way in this room.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_05: Cause motherfuckers be talking shit.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_05: Sussa's cold, nigga.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_05: Look at that nigga with that white bitch.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_05: Couldn't handle us, huh?
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_05: Never.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_05: Had to go get you a snow bunny, never.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_05: Probably little dick motherfucker.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_05: We didn't want your black ass, no way.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_05: Leroy be walking with Sally.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_05: Sally, come on, they're gonna kill us.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_05: Brothers, we the same way.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_05: We see a sister with a white dude, we go the fuck off.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_05: Get your money, bitch.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_05: Get your money, bitch.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah, you couldn't handle that anaconda, huh?
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_05: Get your money, bitch.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_05: Sister be like, what?
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_05: I was just saying something.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_05: Hell motherfucker, yeah.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_05: Love who you love, man, but that's some rough shit, nigga.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_05: You in a uh a fucking relationship that's you know white and black, Leroy and Sally.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_05: Sally, you got it rough.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_05: You better really love Leroy.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_05: Cause that's the only nigga you gonna have.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_05: Cause nigga, white families kick y'all out the family.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_05: White family's cold.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_05: Get your ass out of this goddamn family, Sally.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_05: Bringing that jiggabo to my goddamn house.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_05: He ain't coming in here.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_05: What am I supposed to cook?
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_05: Some fucking fried chicken?
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_05: I ain't cooking no fucking fried chicken.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_05: You out of the family, you're out of the fucking wheel.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_05: Get your fucking good horror, bitch, ass out of this house.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_05: Sally leave the house.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_05: Goddamn Leroy, you're all I have.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_05: Leroy try to take him take her to his mama house.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_05: You already know, Susan.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_05: You ain't bringing that white bitch in here.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_05: You ain't bringing that white bitch in my house, Leroy.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_05: I told you better than this, nigga.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_05: What am I supposed to cook, peach?
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_05: I don't cook no goddamn peach.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_05: Get your black ass out of here with that snow butter, nigga.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_05: You can't come in this goddamn house till you get a bitch with cornrows.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_05: Leroy leave the house.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_05: Grow a god, Sally.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_05: And they wander the earth together, nigga.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_05: That's why you see them walk like that.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_05: They all alone.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_05: Hell yeah, the two most racist motherfuckers on earth is a white man and a black woman.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_05: You understand me?
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah, white man don't give a fuck.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_05: Sister don't give a fuck.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_05: The only cure for that kind of relationship is when they have a baby.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_05: Y'all had a baby yet?
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_05: You got two?
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_05: See, you're back in the family.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_05: Because only the babies can cure that racism.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_05: You bring that baby over to that sister's house.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_05: It's my grandbaby.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_05: Lord.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_05: He got that good hair.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_05: He got the skin to wind.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_05: Sally, come on in here, girl.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_05: I just bullshit.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah, I went on that food network.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_05: I learned how to make that quiche.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_05: Come on in here.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_05: You think over that redneck off?
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_05: He's my goddamn grandson.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_05: And then look at the little fuckers got a permanent time.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_05: I mean, look at the size of the balls on this fucker.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_05: Look at how big his hands are.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_05: We're going to the NFL.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_06: This is why I can read certain news stories.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_06: And I can tell without I can just tell from the news story without even looking at it too hard.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_06: I could tell the hue of the people involved.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_06: Yes, I said hue.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_06: I did go to school San Francisco.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_06: This actually happened in England a couple of years ago.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_06: You can Google all of this.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_06: This is all true.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_06: Google.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_06: So it's a beautiful summer's day, beautiful summer's day in England, one of the three that we get.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_06: And the couple decide to go for a walk along their local riverbank.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_06: That's the first clue.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_06: They decide to go for a walk.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_06: Along their local riverbank.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_06: So they're pushing their baby in a stroller, and their pet dog, that's the second clue, pet dog is running alongside them.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_06: The dog ran off and fell into the river and got into trouble.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_06: And the couple, as in both of them, jumped into the river after the dog leaving their baby on the river bike.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_06: Both of them jumped.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_06: Chew story.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_06: Don't do it.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_06: It's the awfully sad story.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_06: I don't need to look at the pictures.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_06: This is the flexist.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_06: I'm not placist.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_06: No differences between us.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_06: We're all similar, but we're different.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_06: It's white people, you love your animals.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_06: You love your animals.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_06: You would die or even kill for your animals.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_06: You would you have pets?
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_06: You love your pets.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_06: You said, Do you have pets?
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_06: Do you have animals?
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_06: You can get one dog.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_06: What's your dog's name?
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_06: Wolfie! And he's gonna need that thing.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_06: You know Wolfie's gonna die one day.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_06: He said that he knows.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_06: And you bury Wolfie in the garden money.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_06: Because that's what white people do.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_06: You have an emotional connection to your animals.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_06: It's a beautiful thing.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_06: Black thing we haven't got the emotional connection.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_06: We like animals.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_06: We love them on a plate.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_06: We like them, we don't love them.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_06: So we're gonna jump into the river after the duck.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_06: Are you serious?
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_06: Really?
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_06: Yes, I have no children, people.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_06: I have no children.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_06: I fucking hate kids.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_06: I ain't gonna lie.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_04: I call the supervisor for everything.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_04: When I get upset, I call the supervisor.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_04: You ain't gotta worry about that.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_04: That's my mother and me.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_04: My mother calls the supervisor, she'll say, get the supervisor.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_04: And I say, You heard it, get the supervisor.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_04: And you better not say nothing else.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_04: Get the supervisor.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_04: So I call the supervisor.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_04: Because customer service can be poor.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_04: So I just called it.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_04: So I wanted the supervisor to explain to me what the problem is.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_04: And I take everything back.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_04: I got that from my wife friend.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_04: I didn't know you can take things back after 12 years.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_04: I didn't know anything like that.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_04: I did.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_04: My friend Molly, oh man, she had these boobs about 12 years old.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_04: She said, I'm taking them back.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_04: They have a lifetime warranty and they ripped it and I'm not dead.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_04: I said, okay, well, I'ma ride with you.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_04: I ain't never seen this before.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_04: After 12 years, I said, black folks can't take nothing back in about a month.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_04: They be like, nah.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_04: Where did you get this receipt from?
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_04: She went in there too.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_04: She said, I need a new pair of boots.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_04: They are torn and it said it had a lifetime warranty.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_04: I'm not dead yet.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_04: They gave her a new pair of boots.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_04: She said, You should try it.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_04: I said, No, Molly, it ain't gonna work like that with me.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_04: They're gonna have the police escort me out.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_04: I do though.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_04: I call the supervisor.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_04: Like I went to buy some shoes maybe a couple of weeks ago.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_04: And the little guy, you know, I told him to bring me a nine and a half.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_04: He gonna bring me a six.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_04: So I looked at him, I said, Well, what's that for?
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_04: I thought maybe you could fit it.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_04: I said, that ain't how feet work.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_04: I said, so you ain't had my size, you looked at me and decided what size I should wear.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_04: I said, that ain't how feet work.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_04: Well, can I get you another shoe?
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_04: I said, you can give me the supervisor.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_04: You can give me the supervisor, because you do something wrong with you.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_04: So when the supervisor came out there, I said, you know what, he don't need to be working during the day.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_04: He needs to be working at night doing inventory.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_04: I said, because I knew something was wrong with him when I walked in here and he was going like this.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_04: I knew he had an issue there.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_04: I knew.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_04: I called the supervisor.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_04: I went to Wendy's to get something to eat.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_04: And the little girl, she at the cash register, she couldn't even take my order.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_04: Her eyelashes were so heavy, she couldn't even see the keypad.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_04: I walk up in there, may I help you?
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_04: Like she killing the game.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_04: May I help you?
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_04: I mean, like she's sexy, may I help you?
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, let a burger joint.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_04: I said, where are the whites of your eyes at?
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_04: You at work, you know, all overdressed in the face.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_04: I mean, face just overdressed, you know what I'm saying?
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_04: Look like Dinah Rose from the movie Mahogany in the face.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_04: With khakis in a t-shirt on.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_04: I was like, what is wrong with you?
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_04: Ma'am, I can see you.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_04: I said, no, you can't.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_04: And don't get me wrong.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_04: Don't get me wrong.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_04: I'm saying, don't get me wrong.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_04: Eyelashes are fine.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_04: You just gotta wear them appropriately.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_04: They shouldn't be so long.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_04: I can roll my weed up in the last.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_04: I ain't supposed to bend your head over.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_04: Say, bring your big head over and let me roll this weed up.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, big head self stand up there with an attitude.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_04: Ma'am, I can see you, so I close my eyes.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_04: I say, can I see you?
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_04: I don't know what you can see.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_04: Yes, you do, and you being sans.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_04: I would smack you.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_04: But y'all don't fight, y'all shoot, so I'm gonna leave you alone.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_04: You never kill me and post it on Facebook.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_04: Mess with me at work, see what I do.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: I mentioned race.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: Gotta talk about race.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: Gotta talk about race.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: Weird things going on now.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: White women.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: Stop calling the cops.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: White women are calling the cops on black people so much.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: I am this close to giving up white women.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: I swear, I'll do it.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'll do it.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: I am like three phone calls away.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: I just white women are calling the cops on black people for doing nothing.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: Literally, doing nothing.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: Two brothers were in a Starbucks in Philadelphia, not doing anything.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: They called the cops for doing nothing at Starbucks.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: You know who's doing nothing at Starbucks?
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: That's why you go to Starbucks.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what you doing?
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: I ain't doing nothing.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: Let's go to Starbucks.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: They built it to do nothing.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, sure, there's always that one asshole who's got his laptop out and all his papers.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: He thinks it's his office.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: But other than him, you're doing nothing.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: They called the cops on a black family having a barbecue in the park.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: You know why that upset me?
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: Because Mexican families are always having a barbecue in the park.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: At any given moment, there's a Mexican family barbecuing in the park, right?
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: They're having a quincenary, they're about to bust a piñata, and nobody says a word.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: The minute five black people break out some ribs in an open flame, suddenly we need law enforcement.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: They call the cops on a little eight-year-old black girl for selling water.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, here's an idea.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: Buy a bottle of water, take it to the barbecue, and make a friend.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm saying?
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need the cops.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not worried about me.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'm trying to help people.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: I ain't worried about me.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: Ain't nobody calling the cops on me because I know how to stay ahead of the game.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: That's right, I figured it out.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: You can't call the cops on me.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: You know why?
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: Because everything I do, I do at the police station.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: You can't call the cops if I'm already there.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: You want to have coffee?
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: Meet me at the 17th precinct.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: They got a coffee pot and a lobby, we'll just hang out for a little while.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: They follow black people around in the mall, not following me, because I don't go to the mall.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: Everything I buy, I buy online.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: Deliver it to the precinct.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: I just show up with my ID.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, officer.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: Believe you have a package for me.
• 15:59
  unknown: Right?
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, would you stop doing this?
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, wasn't me, it was Siri.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: Where's my box?
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: Give me a box.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: I stay ahead of the cops, man.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: Stay ahead of the cops.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: Sold my car.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: Got rid of my car.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: I drive a pickup truck now.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: You know why?
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: Because black people don't drive pickup trucks.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know how I didn't think of this 20 years ago.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: I'm on the road now.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'm getting away with murder.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: I was on the freeway doing 80 miles an hour.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: Cop just waved.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm saying I don't stop at stop signs, turn signals.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: I don't give a shit.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'm in a truck.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: One cop, I think he was on to me because he started following me, but I got away because I got an NRA sticker on the back of my truck.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_00: He was like, whoa, no, he he going to stand his ground somewhere.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: He's alright.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: Here's my thing, right?
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_00: If you're gonna be racist, at least be consistent in your racism, okay?
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I'll give you an example of what I mean.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: There's a common belief amongst white people that all large black men are pro-athletes.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: I get this every day, like, wow, do you play pro football?
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, I'm the oldest man in the NFL.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: I've been in the league approximately 35 years now.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: But here's my thing if you're gonna make the assumption that we're pro-athletes, then be consistent and also assume that if you see us in an expensive store, we can afford to be there.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_00: In Milwaukee, thank you.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: In Milwaukee, a black man six foot eight in a jewelry store and they call the cops.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_00: If you see a black man six foot eight in Milwaukee, he's in the NBA.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: Alright?
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_00: You know how I know?
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: He's in Milwaukee.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: Black people ain't just kicking it in Milwaukee, you know what I'm saying?
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: You're only an hour from Chicago.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: Ain't nobody black just hanging out in Milwaukee.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: Assume he's a ball player, at least give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he's a successful drug dealer.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: All right?
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: But he's not stealing anything.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: Too obvious, too easy to identify.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: Again, they're not getting me.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_00: Because when I'm in an expensive store, not only am I not stealing anything, I'm keeping an eye on the white people.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: That's right, because I know if something comes up missing, that's my ass.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'm looking at white people, put it back, put it back.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_00: No, you tried it on.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_00: I now put, I see those sunglasses, I'm watching your ass, right?
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm looking at security like relax, I got this.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: Ain't nothing coming up missing on my shift.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_03: I'm glad I got a chance to go from an all-black skull to an all-white skull, because that gave me a chance to study white dudes.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_03: And hear my findings.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_03: I feel like white dudes don't take advantage of nor appreciate how many different kinds of white guys you get to be in your lifetime.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_03: It's beautiful.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_03: It's amazing.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_03: And y'all don't give a fuck.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_03: There's so many different kinds of white guys.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_03: I'll give you an example.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_03: Let's say you're like a senior in high school, right?
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_03: You're like a skinny band geek, you get shoved in the lockers, people taking your lunch money.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_03: Like, give me that shit, you fucking nerd, and you hate it.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_03: It's time to switch to white guy.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_03: So what do you do?
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_03: Summer going into freshman year, hit the weight room, put on 35 pounds of muscle, throw some axh gel in your hair, get to college freshman year.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_03: Now you a frat dude.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_03: Two white guys in one year.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_03: You doing keg stands, you calling people bro.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_03: You playing beer pong, you getting laid, but you don't like the frat player, do you know?
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_03: It's time to switch your white dude.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_03: So what you do?
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_03: Drop out the frat, grow you some white boy dreads, get you a couple reggae albums, start buying weed by the backpack, sell weed sophomore year.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_03: Now you that white dude.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_03: Three white guys in two years.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_03: You making money, you living the roster lifestyle, you found out where the best incense deals in the city are.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_03: You killing it?
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_03: You on your third white dude in two years.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_03: But you on white college, do you play it?
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_03: No.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_03: It's time to switch your white dude.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_03: So what you do?
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_03: Drop out, move to an organic farm in Portland.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_03: Sell your last pair of shoes on eBay, cut up your debit cards, start eating carrots, ride out the fucking dirt.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_03: You killing it! You're your fourth white dude in three years.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_03: And then your dad calls and he goes, hey boy, I'm sick.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_03: I need you to take care of this family business.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_03: We've been running for 75 years.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_03: And he said, Guess what, dad?
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_03: You in luck.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_03: I got one more white boy left in me.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_03: Cut your dreads, get 10 business suits, two iPhones, move downtown.
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_03: Now you a businessman.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_03: Five white dudes in four years.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_03: That shit's dope as fuck.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_03: Black men do not have that option.
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_03: Black dudes wanna do shit.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_03: Why you think there's no black mountain climbers?
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_03: We wanna feel wind on our face.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_03: I'll tell you why.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_03: Cause every black dude in this room, at some point in our adolescent life, we suggested.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_03: A semi-white activity to our family.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_03: And that shit did not go the fuck over.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_03: That's why black people don't do chick.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_03: We want to.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_03: We want to do shit because you're young.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_03: You don't know you 13 years old.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_03: You at the beach with your family.
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_03: It's a beautiful day.
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_03: It's a picturesque day.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_03: You with your families, with your cousins, your favorite uncles barbecuing by the shoreline.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_03: You just hanging out.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_03: You like you standing there like, shit, man, what a great day.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_03: 13 years old, man.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_03: Damn.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_03: Uh hey, uh, hey, Uncle Mark, man, uh, bruh.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_03: When you done with those burgers, man, um, hey, uh, uh, I don't know how to say this, man, but uh when you done with those burgers, um, hey, uh, I'm just gonna say it.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_03: Uh hey, uh.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_03: Hey, Uncle Mark, there's a kayak over here.
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_03: I ain't never been kayaked.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_03: And already at that point, every black person is already bad.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_03: Even though you're 13, your cousins just start coming out of nowhere, and you know it's bad because your uncle just goes, what what you say?
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_03: And you just start backing up, you'd be like, man, I don't even mind, I don't even want to, man.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_03: I hit my head earlier.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_03: I thought it was a little weird.
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_03: I don't, I just saw life best.
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_03: I thought we might take a lap or something.
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_03: And at that point, it's too late.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_03: Your uncle just turns into Sam Jackson from Paul Fish.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_03: You're like, say it again, say Tackin again, motherfucker.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_03: Like, I just want to feel win the money.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_03: Every black person knows.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_03: If you suggest a white activity in your family and that shit does not go over, that's gonna be your nickname for the next 25 years.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_03: You be 48 years old, like y'all wanna go to the bar after the comedy show.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_03: Ziplining over here wants to go to the bar.
• 23:45
  SPEAKER_03: Go get your friend laying the grass with no blanket, tell him we're ready to go.
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_02: White people, best dancers.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_02: Not a lot of buy-in on this concept.
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_02: Uh all the non-white people are suspicious.
• 24:05
  SPEAKER_02: Even the white people, you guys are confused.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_02: You don't know what's happening.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_02: You're looking at me like No, Dwayne.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_02: Actually, I don't I don't think that's accurate, which you just Well, let me explain.
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_02: Here's why white people uh are the best dancers.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna prove it.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_02: Because when white people dance, and we know this for a fact, white people, you have more fun than everybody else.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_02: Especially if there's some drinking.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_02: What?
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_02: Like I've seen white people dancing, I've been like, huh?
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_02: How do I get that?
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_02: What is I never had that.
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_02: That looks tremendous.
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_02: What's going on with me?
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_02: And why do white people have so much fun?
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_02: Two reasons.
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_02: Two reasons.
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_02: One, first reason, I think it's just a a pure celebration of your whiteness.
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_02: I'm white.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_02: First world, first world.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_02: And why else do white people have so much fun?
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_02: Because when you dance white people, you have a freedom.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_02: A freedom that a lot of us don't have.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_02: Very free.
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_02: Why?
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_02: Why are you so free?
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_02: Well, because you're not you're not married to the bee.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_02: I I guess is the thing I'm trying to.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_02: You're not gonna let the bee tell you what to do.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_02: That's freedom, my friends.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_02: Because that means it doesn't matter what song is playing, you can do any dance.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_02: I don't have that luxury.
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_02: I gotta do what the song tells me to do.
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_02: And every black person in this room, we've all tried it.
• 26:01
  SPEAKER_02: I don't speak for black people, but for this, I do.
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_02: Talk to us after the show.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_02: Every single one of us, we've all tried it at home.
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_02: We did.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_02: We failed.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_02: At some point when you're black and you're at home, you turn to your brother, your sister, you know, and you go, let's try it.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_02: Let's dance off beat.
• 26:27
  SPEAKER_02: Let's try it, let's see.
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_02: And we literally cannot do it, is what I'm saying.
• 26:36
  SPEAKER_02: Because what happens is we get back on beat by mistake, not on not on purpose.