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Unlocking Emotional Regulation: Empowering Conscious Parenting for Gifted and Sensitive Children with Mr. Chazz Lewis · The Spiritual Parent: Mindful Tools for Raising Spiritual and Conscious Kids

• 0:00
  Mr. Chazz: the better you're able to name your emotions, the better you'll be able to tame your emotions, the better you'll be able to regulate your emotions.
• 0:06
  Mr. Chazz: Okay, I'm feeling triggered, I'm feeling frustrated, I'm feeling overwhelmed.
• 0:11
  Mr. Chazz: I want to get out right now.
• 0:13
  Mr. Chazz: And I'm feeling overwhelmed, feeling frustrated.
• 0:14
  Mr. Chazz: And then the fourth step is choosing to see it differently.
• 0:16
  Mr. Chazz: Okay, this child isn't trying to give me a hard time.
• 0:19
  Mr. Chazz: This child's having a hard time.
• 0:21
  Mr. Chazz: I'm in a state, he's in a state.
• 0:27
  Mr. Chazz: Okay.
• 0:27
  Mr. Chazz: And the fifth part is coming up with wind solutions that work with everyone.
• 0:28
  Mr. Chazz: Right, and so the wind solution here would be all right.
• 0:31
  Mr. Chazz: So what can I do here?
• 0:32
  Mr. Chazz: Let me just acknowledge.
• 0:34
  Mr. Chazz: Let me see what's underneath the behavior, and not just judge the behavior, but see what's underneath that and acknowledge that.
• 0:41
  Carrie: Hi, conscious Parents.
• 0:42
  Carrie: It's Keri here and I am here with a little info about raising our mindful kids.
• 0:46
  Carrie: I've got some tips and tricks about breaking free of the box and becoming who you are and teaching your kids how to do that.
• 0:53
  Carrie: Along the way.
• 0:54
  Carrie: Join us.
• 0:54
  Carrie: Hi there, conscious Parents.
• 0:56
  Carrie: Before we start today's episode, it's Keri here and I wanted to reach out to ask you guys for a quick favor.
• 1:01
  Carrie: As a follower of our show, we would love for you to give us a five-star rating and leave us a review.
• 1:09
  Carrie: It can be just a few words, that's it, and it really goes a long way with us with the podcasting community on Apple or Spotify.
• 1:17
  Carrie: So thanks so much for tuning in and I'm so excited for you to hear today's message.
• 1:22
  Carrie: Happy listening, hi there and welcome back.
• 1:23
  Carrie: It's Carrie here and I am so excited for you to hear today's message.
• 1:25
  Carrie: Happy listening, hi there and welcome back.
• 1:26
  Carrie: It's Keri here and I am so excited.
• 1:27
  Carrie: I have a amazing guest here today.
• 1:29
  Carrie: I have Mr Chaz Lewis, who has a teaching background and he is all over social media inspiring teachers and leadership.
• 1:38
  Carrie: He has a passion for inspiring and understanding and igniting curiosity and possibility in kids.
• 1:42
  Carrie: That really stood out to me.
• 1:43
  Carrie: I feel like that overlaps with Heart toiting curiosity and possibility in kids.
• 1:45
  Carrie: That really stood out to me.
• 1:46
  Carrie: I feel like that overlaps with Heart to Heart Parents and our mission here.
• 1:49
  Carrie: So I'm so excited to have Mr Chaz here today.
• 1:52
  Carrie: Thank you, mr Chaz, for being here.
• 1:55
  Mr. Chazz: Happy to be here.
• 1:56
  Mr. Chazz: Hope that I can help.
• 1:57
  Carrie: Yes, so I was just telling Mr Chaz, we have a focus here.
• 2:01
  Carrie: We talk a lot about raising gifted, spirited and highly sensitive kids.
• 2:06
  Carrie: I myself have a parent of a six-year-old daughter and a nine-year-old son who fit those areas and I would love to hear there's a lot of these kids being born today and coming in with these passions and these zest for life.
• 2:18
  Carrie: And it can be overwhelming at times for parents and I just wanted to check in to see what would you tell parents like me going through this process with our kids.
• 2:28
  Mr. Chazz: To really practice the pause as opposed to reacting, and I always say, try to stretch that reaction until it becomes a response.
• 2:38
  Mr. Chazz: And a really important piece of that is pausing and regulating our own emotions, because sometimes, oftentimes, our children's behavior bring up emotions within us and what we have a tendency to do is to react with those emotions, as opposed to regulating our own emotions and not putting it on the children, but being able to hold space for their ideas, their disappointment, their frustration, their excitement, without judging it, and that can be pretty hard.
• 3:13
  Carrie: Yes, I feel like that is a very hard one, especially sometimes highly sensitive kids can be being raised by highly sensitive adults as well.
• 3:21
  Carrie: So I love the power in the pause highly sensitive adults as well.
• 3:28
  Carrie: So I love the power in the pause.
• 3:29
  Carrie: And it can feel sometimes pretty hard in raising these kids If we don't understand, maybe, their emotional states.
• 3:33
  Carrie: I do a lot of education for a lot of our listeners and I love looking at those posters right behind you for our people that are on video.
• 3:42
  Carrie: He has the emotional states listed behind him and would you be willing to share some of those pieces with us, mr Chaz?
• 3:49
  Mr. Chazz: Yeah, let's see if I can give you the elevator pitch, five minutes or less of the brain state.
• 3:57
  Mr. Chazz: Let's see how I do so.
• 3:59
  Mr. Chazz: We have our three brain states.
• 4:01
  Mr. Chazz: What's important to know as I go into this is that the brain develops bottom up and it processes information bottom up.
• 4:08
  Mr. Chazz: So let's start with the bottom, which is the survival state.
• 4:11
  Mr. Chazz: And this is where our survival state is.
• 4:15
  Mr. Chazz: And this is when the way that you can tell that a person is in a survival state is they're using their survival state skills like fight, flight, fawn or freeze.
• 4:23
  Mr. Chazz: And fawn is really that people-pleasing survival state skill.
• 4:27
  Mr. Chazz: It's ignoring your own needs to please somebody else.
• 4:31
  Mr. Chazz: Imagine if someone put a gun to your head and said give me all your money.
• 4:34
  Mr. Chazz: You're just like please take it, just please don't hurt me.
• 4:36
  Mr. Chazz: That's an example of fawning.
• 4:38
  Mr. Chazz: Now, what triggers us to go into a survival state is a threat or perceived threat.
• 4:44
  Mr. Chazz: The threat doesn't even have to be real.
• 4:46
  Mr. Chazz: Think about those times where maybe you're in the kitchen doing dishes or whatever you're doing, and someone walks in and you don't expect them to walk in and you're like whoa, you're like it's scared.
• 4:54
  Mr. Chazz: For a moment, you jump a little bit.
• 4:56
  Mr. Chazz: They just said, hey, that wasn't actual, real threat, but your body perceived it as a threat and so you react it.
• 5:03
  Mr. Chazz: And it's also important to know that this part of the brain, the executive state, isn't fully developed, the capacity for it isn't fully developed till at least 25, 26.
• 5:13
  Mr. Chazz: And it's back to the emotional state.
• 5:15
  Mr. Chazz: The trigger for us getting into a survival state, the trigger for us to getting a survival state, is a threat or perceived threat.
• 5:22
  Mr. Chazz: Now, what helps us move up in the brain is a felt sense of safety.
• 5:26
  Mr. Chazz: So that means if the child's body, brain, if they feel that felt sense of safety, then they can move up the brain to the emotional state.
• 5:38
  Mr. Chazz: And this is where our verbal reactions tend to come from.
• 5:40
  Mr. Chazz: And this is where the blaming, the name calling, the judgment tend to come from.
• 5:46
  Mr. Chazz: And this is where the blaming, the name calling, the judgment, the you're not invited to my birthday party, the no, the you're not my real mom or y'all don't have to listen to you, I don't care.
• 5:52
  Mr. Chazz: But all of this comes from the emotion.
• 5:55
  Mr. Chazz: That's the sign that we're in the emotional state.
• 5:57
  Mr. Chazz: Us, as adults, get in the emotional state too when you're driving, something cuts you off, and I see that's a very common time where I see adults get in their emotional state, because the trigger for us getting down to our emotional state is something in the world simply not going our way, that when we ask children to clean up and they were hoping to have more time playing with their toy or staying on their screen time or whatever they're doing that is a time where they may likely get in an emotional state because something in the world did not go the way that they were hoping and the way that they were wanting to go.
• 6:31
  Mr. Chazz: That is what triggers us to get into an emotional state.
• 6:35
  Mr. Chazz: Now, what helps us move up from the emotional state to the executive state, where our best skills are, where we can learn more, where we can better at meeting these expectations that often leadership or parents have of us?
• 6:49
  Mr. Chazz: The way that we can move up the brain is a connection, understanding and a sense of belongingness.
• 6:59
  Mr. Chazz: When the body and the brain can answer the question do I feel understood, do I have a sense of belongingness, am I loved?
• 7:08
  Mr. Chazz: Am I connected?
• 7:09
  Mr. Chazz: If they can answer that question with an affirmative yes, they can move up from the emotional state to the executive state where they can be at their best.
• 7:20
  Mr. Chazz: If we're in a survival state or they're in a survival state, the question that the body brain is asking is am I safe?
• 7:25
  Mr. Chazz: And if they can answer that in the affirmative yes, I have that felt sense of safety then they can move up in the brain, and so that is a really helpful way, a framework to just understand behavior a little bit better and know that when a child does use their survival state skills, they're fighting you or they're running away or whatever it is, or they're use their survival state skills, they're fighting you or they're running away or whatever it is, or they're using their emotional state skills, they're backtalking, they're saying no, they're saying I don't care.
• 7:52
  Mr. Chazz: That is not a sign of you being a bad parent or them being a bad kid.
• 7:56
  Mr. Chazz: It's just simply how the brain works.
• 7:59
  Carrie: Okay.
• 8:00
  Mr. Chazz: It's how the brain works, so we don't need to judge them or judge ourselves or shame them.
• 8:05
  Mr. Chazz: Just understand, become aware.
• 8:07
  Mr. Chazz: That's just how the brain works.
• 8:09
  Mr. Chazz: Now, in Conscious Discipline, there's a bunch of different strategies that we can talk about or are also in this book, where you can learn better how to upshift children and yourself in the brain so that we can be more successful when we are navigating these challenging situations, like setting and respecting boundaries.
• 8:30
  Mr. Chazz: Or maybe we see someone has something that we want, or maybe it's a situation where we're trying to encourage a child without labeling them and judging them, and that can be difficult in itself, because we often have a tendency especially for our kids who are gifted we might say you're so smart, you're like a perfect little angel, and that actually is not as helpful as we might think it is.
• 8:58
  Carrie: Yes, that's so right on.
• 9:00
  Carrie: Spot on with what I've been finding with my kids when they're having a moment where they're having a breakdown and they're yelling I hate you, mom.
• 9:09
  Carrie: You told me I could do such and such thing today, at this exact moment, and now you changed it and not having that flexibility.
• 9:16
  Carrie: But my kids want to be seen and heard and I'm noticing.
• 9:20
  Carrie: Before I used to try to explain to them what we're going, what we're seeing, but now when I connect with them and I say I see you.
• 9:24
  Carrie: Before I used to try to explain to them what we're going, what we're seeing, but now when I connect with them and I say I see you, I hear that this is really hard.
• 9:30
  Carrie: Is that the right thing?
• 9:31
  Carrie: Am I doing the right thing?
• 9:34
  Mr. Chazz: You're a hundred percent on the right track.
• 9:36
  Mr. Chazz: That that we often will.
• 9:38
  Mr. Chazz: When they're in this emotional state, we try to logic and a reason with them and try to give them all of explaining the why and sometimes try to do consequences and all that stuff.
• 9:49
  Mr. Chazz: When they're in an emotional state they're not able to really access those executive skills that is required for them to do that perspective taking, see another person's perspective and regulate their emotion.
• 10:01
  Mr. Chazz: But if we help them feel understood and seen and we use skills like empathy or choices or encouragement, as opposed to just fixing them and problem solving in this moment, what ends up happening is they upshift in their brain to that executive state where they are able to take in the logic and the reasoning and the problem solving and what to do better.
• 10:25
  Mr. Chazz: Next time I'm going to give you a short little script that Conscious Discipline has and I always say here's a script, don't use it.
• 10:33
  Mr. Chazz: But the script is helpful when you don't really have the words for it because it's all new and this isn't what we were raised with and so this is our first language.
• 10:43
  Mr. Chazz: So we often have to just get some language to get us started and the language I would recommend you want it next time.
• 10:51
  Mr. Chazz: And the you want it is the piece where you're acknowledging them and helping them feel understood and seen and acknowledging their desires.
• 11:00
  Mr. Chazz: And then the next time is that okay, this is how you can get what you want in a better way.
• 11:05
  Mr. Chazz: This is how we can problem solve in a better way.
• 11:07
  Mr. Chazz: So, for example, you wanted my attention next time.
• 11:11
  Mr. Chazz: Tap me on the shoulder like this you wanted a turn.
• 11:14
  Mr. Chazz: Next time, put your hand like this and say turn, please.
• 11:19
  Mr. Chazz: You wanted to, you really wanted to have more time outside.
• 11:26
  Mr. Chazz: Next time, tell me you want more time over.
• 11:29
  Mr. Chazz: Or tell me how you feel.
• 11:31
  Mr. Chazz: Next time, say I'm really mad at you, or whatever it is.
• 11:34
  Mr. Chazz: It's the.
• 11:35
  Mr. Chazz: You want it to acknowledge what they are wanting out of the moment.
• 11:39
  Mr. Chazz: And the next time is the.
• 11:41
  Mr. Chazz: This is how you do it in a better way.
• 11:43
  Carrie: Hi there, changemaker moms and dads.
• 11:45
  Carrie: It's Keri here.
• 11:46
  Carrie: I hope you're enjoying today's episode.
• 11:48
  Carrie: If there's any pieces of this episode that resonate with you, we would love for you to share it with a friend.
• 11:54
  Carrie: A little helping hand goes a long way.
• 11:56
  Carrie: We appreciate you tuning in, and here's more.
• 11:58
  Carrie: Okay, that's really helpful.
• 12:01
  Carrie: I love having a carrier phrase to use here and there, because it does feel like I'm learning Spanish while I'm also parenting at the same time, from how I was raised.
• 12:10
  Carrie: So thank you for those carrier phrases, which I think are great to use in the first one or two times as we're going through that, and then we come up with our own version as we get used to it.
• 12:20
  Mr. Chazz: So I love that.
• 12:21
  Mr. Chazz: And again, the big piece is versus seeing them before you try to guide them.
• 12:28
  Mr. Chazz: That's just the big piece helping them feel seen.
• 12:32
  Carrie: Okay, okay, and then with a, I have a question with that If we're needing to do a consequence.
• 12:40
  Carrie: So there's, for example, we I asked my son, my nine-year-old, to clean up and he's in his zone, he's in his flow and I just suddenly we had to get our coats on and go.
• 12:52
  Carrie: So I said clean that up real fast.
• 12:53
  Carrie: We got to go.
• 12:54
  Carrie: I know the time strains, there's a lot of stress going on in that situation.
• 12:58
  Carrie: But for example, he turned around and said shut up, mom, which I don't know where we learned shut up, but it has been coming in lately and I know in this there's this.
• 13:10
  Carrie: There's been a lot of positive parenting pieces and people don't understand consequences.
• 13:12
  Carrie: So what are your feelings on consequences?
• 13:15
  Carrie: What would it look like in that moment, for an example for us?
• 13:18
  Mr. Chazz: Yeah, that's a good question In that moment, not the time for consequences.
• 13:24
  Mr. Chazz: And also, I want to acknowledge, before we even I even talked about this piece, that there are three kinds of consequences.
• 13:31
  Mr. Chazz: There are natural consequences, logical consequences and there are illogical consequences, and I'll touch more on that in just a moment.
• 13:38
  Mr. Chazz: But regardless, the time to come in and say will often react and be like you don't talk to me this way, you need to listen to me.
• 13:48
  Mr. Chazz: I'm the parent, you're the child.
• 13:50
  Mr. Chazz: You don't say that to me, so you're going to be grounded.
• 13:53
  Mr. Chazz: If you ever talked to me like that again, or you talk to me like that, you don't get to play with your screen time for the rest of the day or for the rest of the week If you want to talk about it.
• 14:01
  Mr. Chazz: This is so unfair.
• 14:02
  Mr. Chazz: You never let me get into this power struggle and we get into this and really what happened was we told your child to clean up and really I'm gonna actually go back even a little bit further here, because the other piece that we have to recognize is our state dictates their state, so the child can't be in a higher state than us.
• 14:33
  Mr. Chazz: So if we're in an emotional state, they're likely going to be in an emotional state.
• 14:35
  Mr. Chazz: If we're in a survival state, they're likely going to be in a survival state.
• 14:39
  Mr. Chazz: If we're in an executive state, we have a shot at helping them move up to an executive state so they could solve the problem or meet our expectations or whatever.
• 14:47
  Mr. Chazz: In this moment, you it sounds like you were probably started off in an emotional state where you and you probably weren't using your best skills because things didn't go your way right.
• 14:58
  Mr. Chazz: Whatever happened, you were, you ended up being in a rush.
• 15:01
  Mr. Chazz: You didn't have and, by the way, one of the executive state skills is time management.
• 15:04
  Mr. Chazz: So it's and it seems like we were lacking some skills here in this moment too right.
• 15:09
  Mr. Chazz: And so we came into this moment, in this emotional state, we're trying to make up for our own lacking skills and we're like, hey, you meet me where I'm at because I'm losing it and I'm late right now.
• 15:21
  Mr. Chazz: So you need to rush and be done with what you're doing right now and shift your attention very quickly and do what I care about and forget what you're caring about.
• 15:36
  Mr. Chazz: And from the emotional state and again, this is not just the words that we're saying, this is also tone and body language, it's also communicating our state and communicating to them and also influencing their state.
• 15:41
  Mr. Chazz: So we're in this emotional state, trying to get ready to go out the door, and then the child reacts from his emotional state right, things aren't going his way.
• 15:51
  Mr. Chazz: He wanted to do more of whatever he was doing.
• 15:54
  Mr. Chazz: He wanted to stay focused on what he was focused on, and you were trying to shift him and trying to rush him out the door.
• 16:01
  Mr. Chazz: So he reacts from his emotional state.
• 16:04
  Mr. Chazz: And so what happens?
• 16:04
  Mr. Chazz: Because things didn't go away, he does the verbal reaction.
• 16:07
  Mr. Chazz: He said shut up, mom.
• 16:09
  Mr. Chazz: Now we can stay down this emotional state and stay in and open up this power struggle that they've invited us to and focus on their behavior and all that stuff, or we could see what's underneath that.
• 16:23
  Mr. Chazz: We could pause.
• 16:25
  Mr. Chazz: We can move ourselves up to the executive state and say okay, hey, this is a moment where I have a choice in how I handle this.
• 16:32
  Mr. Chazz: I could yell and react, or I could respond, see where he's coming from and guide him from there and meet.
• 16:39
  Mr. Chazz: Either I can meet him where he's at or I can expect him to meet me where I'm at.
• 16:46
  Mr. Chazz: And if we choose to meet this child where he's at, we are going to pause because we're likely triggered.
• 16:52
  Mr. Chazz: We're probably already triggered.
• 16:53
  Mr. Chazz: We're probably extra triggered from when we heard the shut up.
• 16:55
  Mr. Chazz: All this stuff is coming up from us, all of our mental models, all the stuff of you know you shouldn't let him talk to you that way how you were raised is coming up and I know that would have happened if I would have said that to my mom.
• 17:07
  Mr. Chazz: I would have been smacked in the mouth, I would have been X, y.
• 17:10
  Mr. Chazz: All this stuff is coming up, right.
• 17:11
  Mr. Chazz: So we have to regulate that, we have to recognize that we're triggered.
• 17:16
  Mr. Chazz: I'm going to quickly go over the five steps of self-regulation so I can answer your question.
• 17:20
  Mr. Chazz: But there's, this book goes so much deeper into it.
• 17:23
  Mr. Chazz: It'll teach you how to go through the five steps of self-regulation and also teach you how to teach your child to go through the five steps of self-regulation.
• 17:29
  Mr. Chazz: So, recognize that you're triggered, pause and do something to calm yourself.
• 17:33
  Mr. Chazz: Take a deep breath, in through your nose, out through your mouth, and breathe so that you can actually get the benefits of breathing, which means your belly needs to be expanding on your in-breath through your nose and your out-breath needs to be longer than your in-breath.
• 17:47
  Mr. Chazz: And even with that one breath, I feel a little bit calmer and you might even be able to notice the difference in my voice and the place that I'm talking just from that one breath.
• 17:55
  Mr. Chazz: The next step is, I feel, recognizing what you're feeling.
• 17:58
  Mr. Chazz: Recognizing, you know, it's the whole thing of what Tina Payne Bryson and Dan Siegel talk about name entertainment, and also Brene Brown talks about it.
• 18:07
  Mr. Chazz: The idea is, the better you're able to name your emotions, the better you'll be able to tame your emotions, the better you'll be able to regulate your emotions.
• 18:14
  Mr. Chazz: Okay, I'm feeling triggered, I'm feeling frustrated, I'm feeling overwhelmed, I want to get out right now.
• 18:21
  Mr. Chazz: And I'm feeling overwhelmed, feeling frustrated.
• 18:22
  Mr. Chazz: And then the fourth step is choosing to see it differently.
• 18:24
  Mr. Chazz: Okay, this child isn't trying to give me a hard time, this child's having a hard time.
• 18:29
  Mr. Chazz: I'm in a state, he's in a state, okay.
• 18:32
  Mr. Chazz: And the fifth part is coming up with win solutions that work with everyone right, and so the win solution here would be all right.
• 18:39
  Mr. Chazz: So what can I do here?
• 18:40
  Mr. Chazz: Let me just acknowledge, let me see what's underneath the behavior and not just judge the behavior, but see what's underneath that and acknowledge that it seems like you really wanted to spend more time on your game.
• 18:51
  Mr. Chazz: It seems like you really want to finish it and you're feeling upset because I'm rushing you out the door.
• 18:57
  Mr. Chazz: Yeah, I get that.
• 18:59
  Mr. Chazz: That must be a really hard moment for you and likely they're going to either continue expressing how they feel and just hear that pause and hear that help them feel seen and heard and understood.
• 19:12
  Mr. Chazz: It's hard to backtalk and be in a power struggle with someone who's just listening to you and hearing you and helping you feel seen.
• 19:19
  Mr. Chazz: And when they do feel seen and understood and heard and like, yeah, you really want, yeah, I just really you're always rushing me and you never taking consideration what I have to do and I'm trying to finish this level and you never let me finish this level.
• 19:32
  Mr. Chazz: Yeah, you really wanted me to help you finish this level.
• 19:35
  Mr. Chazz: Okay, when you want more time, say mom, may I please have more time?
• 19:40
  Mr. Chazz: Can we please have more time.
• 19:42
  Mr. Chazz: Can I, can you give me two minutes?
• 19:44
  Mr. Chazz: May it finish this?
• 19:45
  Mr. Chazz: Whatever the problem solving, whatever you want him to do or her to do in that moment, instead next time, and I would even take a moment.
• 19:54
  Mr. Chazz: Okay, so let's practice this, let's role play it in the moment, and I know meanwhile you're getting later and later for your appointment and you can choose to rush them out and go that route.
• 20:04
  Mr. Chazz: You can go that route and I imagine what's likely going to happen is you're dealing with that all the way to the car on the appointment, after the appointment, and next time when you want to get out the door, you're going to be dealing with it again.
• 20:20
  Mr. Chazz: Right, you didn't really teach them another skill, practice what to do instead.
• 20:33
  Mr. Chazz: Then, in the long run, you're going to be spending more time dealing with the same thing over and over and over again, not to say that they're going to do it perfectly the first time that you practice with them, because you're not going to do this perfectly the first time.
• 20:46
  Mr. Chazz: You practice this and change, you try to change your behavior.
• 20:49
  Mr. Chazz: We're all learning.
• 20:55
  Mr. Chazz: We're all on this learning journey together.
• 20:57
  Mr. Chazz: So it's helping that child feel seen first and then helping them figure out what to do and take a moment to practice, literally go through the motions of okay, I'm going to pretend like I'm rushing you, like I'm in a state right now and you practice telling me what you need, and then you go through that and you practice that, and then they have that skill, a little bit more practice than what they did before.
• 21:15
  Mr. Chazz: And there's other times that you can practice a skill.
• 21:18
  Mr. Chazz: But that is how we can handle that moment, in a way where it goes from what could be a power struggle that disconnects us and breaks down communication.
• 21:27
  Mr. Chazz: It actually becomes a teachable moment, disconnects us and breaks down communication.
• 21:29
  Mr. Chazz: It actually becomes a teachable moment that increases communication and increases connection.
• 21:36
  Carrie: That was an amazing answer.
• 21:37
  Carrie: I have to give you props, mr Chaz, because I kept, as I was creating that scenario, I kept adding on all of these pieces.
• 21:44
  Carrie: That was making my brain an example.
• 21:49
  Carrie: It was putting me farther more toward the survival state, right as a mom.
• 21:53
  Carrie: So I appreciate you going through all of those pieces because I did make that a very complicated scenario in that example.
• 22:00
  Carrie: I would love to mention that the books that Chaz is talking about I will include in the show notes so that way we have the access to those as well.
• 22:07
  Carrie: So, if you would mind talking about the three consequences that you mentioned at the beginning, because I think that is a huge part of this conscious parenting piece, conscious parents were.
• 22:20
  Carrie: I think we're guided in one direction so often and we think we know what we're doing, but really I think reviewing consequences is so important for today's parents.
• 22:30
  Mr. Chazz: Yeah, yes, and consequences are something, even with the the talking more about natural consequences and logical consequences.
• 22:41
  Mr. Chazz: So, in conscious discipline, what is really cool and one of the things I love about the framework the most, is that it actually color codes the different skills that you use that coordinate with the different brain states and and the skills for the uh, higher, for the lower brain states, can be used for the higher brain states, but the skills for the lower brain states can be used for the higher brain states, but the skills for the lower brain states are unlikely to be helpful for the higher brain states or for the lower brain states.
• 23:07
  Mr. Chazz: So let me actually talk a little bit more about what I'm talking about and then I promise you I'm going to go to the consequences, but this is a little bit foundation for the consequences and when to use them and how to use them.
• 23:18
  Carrie: Can I pause you for a second?
• 23:20
  Carrie: I am realizing as a mom of raising two 2E kids.
• 23:24
  Carrie: There are so many times in our day where I am, as a mom, living in that emotional state and recognizing that as a parent is so important.
• 23:34
  Mr. Chazz: Very important that it's not just the children who are in the state, it's us too and it starts with us.
• 23:39
  Mr. Chazz: And again our state dictates their state.
• 23:40
  Mr. Chazz: That it's not just the children who are in the state, it's us too and it starts with us.
• 23:40
  Mr. Chazz: And again, our state dictates their state.
• 23:42
  Mr. Chazz: So it's important for us to recognize when we're in a state to that first step of recognizing when we get triggered so that we can regulate enough to actually help the child regulate and respond and use their best skills and learn something different.
• 23:55
  Mr. Chazz: And so these are the seven skills.
• 23:58
  Mr. Chazz: Composure and assertiveness are the survival state skills.
• 24:01
  Mr. Chazz: Those are helpful for all of the brain states, no matter what state.
• 24:06
  Mr. Chazz: Composure is like our own self-regulation and assertiveness is about clear communication and boundaries and setting limits, and that is what assertiveness is about.
• 24:17
  Mr. Chazz: Now we have our emotional state skills encouragement, choices and empathy.
• 24:21
  Mr. Chazz: Now, encouragement and choices and empathy are helpful when a child is in an emotional state or executive state, but unlikely to be helpful when a child is in a survival state.
• 24:30
  Mr. Chazz: Sometimes you might be trying to give, sometimes you use a lot of really great skills, but at the wrong time you might try to give choices to a child in a survival state and something that's likely that's not going to be very helpful.
• 24:41
  Mr. Chazz: Now, positive intent, which is really the skill to turn moments of conflict into moments of learning, and consequences are skills that are helpful in the executive state but unlikely to be helpful when a child is in an emotional state or survival state.
• 24:58
  Mr. Chazz: So, that being said, consequences right.
• 25:01
  Mr. Chazz: I wouldn't even really think about using consequences when a child is still in the emotional state or survival state.
• 25:08
  Mr. Chazz: So that's the first thing, and that's part of what I was just talking about, of just empathizing, help the child feel seen, before you talk about what to do differently next time.
• 25:19
  Mr. Chazz: Now here are the three kinds of consequences.
• 25:21
  Mr. Chazz: You have your natural consequences that happen without adult intervention.
• 25:26
  Mr. Chazz: You have logical consequences that have three requirements that they're reasonable, related to the thing that's happening and respectful.
• 25:37
  Mr. Chazz: And then you have illogical consequences or punishments that don't meet those three requirements of reasonable, related and respectful.
• 25:46
  Mr. Chazz: Now let's shift to talk a little bit more about what these three different and give like a little bit of an example.
• 25:53
  Mr. Chazz: Natural consequences for example, a child is running around inside and they trip over something and they hurt their knee, and that is a natural.
• 26:02
  Mr. Chazz: The natural consequence, without our intervention is they tripped over something and they hurt themselves.
• 26:08
  Mr. Chazz: Now sometimes we could turn this into an illogical consequence when we are like see, I told you so.
• 26:15
  Mr. Chazz: I told you not to run in the household.
• 26:17
  Mr. Chazz: How many times do I have to tell you you wouldn't listen to me, it wouldn't right't.
• 26:20
  Mr. Chazz: Right that is.
• 26:21
  Mr. Chazz: We're just venting at this.
• 26:24
  Mr. Chazz: It's not helpful.
• 26:24
  Mr. Chazz: We're just bending out there.
• 26:25
  Mr. Chazz: We're putting our own emotions, we're blaming.
• 26:28
  Mr. Chazz: That's coming from our emotional state and that's not very helpful.
• 26:31
  Mr. Chazz: That's not helping them learn anything at all.
• 26:33
  Mr. Chazz: Instead, what we could do in those moments is they trip oh, it looks you got hurt or come up and say something happened and then, yeah, I tripped and I fell and I got hurt.
• 26:44
  Mr. Chazz: Yeah, that does look like it hurts and we comfort them and hug them and help them feel seen and make sure that they're okay.
• 26:52
  Mr. Chazz: And then, when they start to regulate a little bit more and feel seen, you can see a shift in their body language.
• 26:58
  Mr. Chazz: If you're really noticing, then that's when we can say something like oh, look what do you think that we could do better next time so that you don't get hurt?
• 27:08
  Mr. Chazz: Right?
• 27:08
  Mr. Chazz: And start the thinking process about what to do.
• 27:10
  Mr. Chazz: Oh, I could walk inside or I can push in the chair or whatever.
• 27:14
  Mr. Chazz: Oh, yeah, that's right, we could do that.
• 27:16
  Mr. Chazz: Natural consequences motivate children to learn new skills and we'll come back to that Now.
• 27:26
  Mr. Chazz: Logical consequences, reasonable, related and respectful.
• 27:30
  Mr. Chazz: Let's start with reasonable.
• 27:31
  Mr. Chazz: Let's say they don't clean up.
• 27:32
  Mr. Chazz: Unreasonable would be since you can't clean up your toys, I'm throwing your toys in the trash.
• 27:38
  Mr. Chazz: Or you're not going to get in the way with these toys for the rest of the week or whatever.
• 27:42
  Mr. Chazz: That's not reasonable.
• 27:43
  Mr. Chazz: Relate it they're not cleaning up, so no screen time, you're not going to have any screen time.
• 27:48
  Mr. Chazz: Or you're not going to have outside time because you're not doing your.
• 27:50
  Mr. Chazz: That's not related, that's not going to be helpful.
• 27:53
  Mr. Chazz: And respectful has a lot to do with the words we're using, the tone, we're using our approach.
• 28:03
  Mr. Chazz: Right, if you wouldn't want someone to talk to you, your boss or your partner to talk to you about a mistake in this way, then it's, that's maybe a hint or a clue that it may not be respectful.
• 28:11
  Mr. Chazz: Right, if we're saying something like maybe yelling or lecturing and or saying something like that you need to do your homework.
• 28:21
  Mr. Chazz: You came here and you didn't do your homework.
• 28:23
  Mr. Chazz: What's wrong with you?
• 28:24
  Mr. Chazz: And we could even have the reasonable piece in there or in the related piece here.
• 28:32
  Mr. Chazz: But if we're not respectful in how we are approaching it, then it is going to go into the punishment.
• 28:42
  Mr. Chazz: Illogical consequences realm as opposed to staying in a logical consequences realm, because when we start all of that stuff, we'd actually distract them from actually learning from the moment because we're so busy putting our emotions on them.
• 28:56
  Mr. Chazz: And here's what's important to remember here in terms of when to use them and how to use them One important piece here or really the impact of them, or what these different kinds of consequences do Natural consequences motivate children to learn new skills.
• 29:17
  Mr. Chazz: Logical consequences motivate children to use skills that they already have.
• 29:25
  Mr. Chazz: So if they're trying to use logical consequences but they don't have the skill.
• 29:31
  Mr. Chazz: Then let's say you're saying something like they have a ball inside the house and they're bouncing the ball in the house and maybe the rule is it's about the ball in the house and maybe the rule is to bounce the ball in the playroom or outside.
• 29:41
  Mr. Chazz: And you maybe it's a three-year-old and you're saying, yeah, bounce, bounce.
• 29:48
  Mr. Chazz: We can be given the ball and they're bouncing it wherever, they're bouncing living rooms with this glass, and we then just we take a, we maybe, we, hey, I'm gonna take away the ball and we're going to maybe play, we're gonna, and then we can have another chance to play with it tomorrow.
• 30:09
  Mr. Chazz: We have another chance to play with it later, we'll try again later.
• 30:12
  Mr. Chazz: And so you give them the ball back later, but you haven't helped them with the skill of learning what that boundary is, and maybe through a visual, and they're still struggling like they don't have the impulse control not to bounce the ball when the ball is available to them in the living room.
• 30:31
  Mr. Chazz: Then you're going to be doing that logical consequence over and over again.
• 30:34
  Mr. Chazz: All that's going to happen is just going to continue to disconnect and disconnect you from your child, making it harder for you to teach them this thing that you're trying to teach them where the ball bounces and all the other things that you want to teach them.
• 30:48
  Mr. Chazz: Because connection grinds the brain for willingness and it's that willingness that is going to inspire them to do the hard work to learn a new skill.
• 30:57
  Mr. Chazz: Inspire them to do the hard work to learn a new skill Because, at the end of the day, I know you're doing a lot of work as a parent, but so is that child is doing a lot of work to learn that new skill.
• 31:08
  Mr. Chazz: Right, just like that whole piece I talked about of just when you're feeling triggered or they say shut up, mom, and I'm telling you to respond empathetically, not judge the behavior, respond, helping them feel understood.
• 31:19
  Mr. Chazz: That's going to be hard for you to do, especially in the beginning.
• 31:23
  Mr. Chazz: It's going to take practice for you to do and know that you're not going to be perfect at it and you're going to stumble over that.
• 31:28
  Mr. Chazz: And just like you're learning how to help your child feel seen so that you can guide them, they're learning all of the things in the executive skills, all the executive skills which are attention, time management, organization, prioritization, impulse control, flexibility, time management, emotional regulation, just to name a few of these executive state skills that we want them to use.
• 31:56
  Mr. Chazz: Wrap it all up, create that sense of safety, connection, understanding and belongingness, and when those things are present, you'll be able to actually teach them so much more for them to be successful in the future.
• 32:10
  Carrie: Love that.
• 32:11
  Carrie: I think so many adults are actually having challenges in these executive functions ourselves.
• 32:17
  Carrie: We're all working in survival mode a lot of time.
• 32:20
  Carrie: So I love what you're saying and I love these pieces.
• 32:23
  Carrie: Are all of these?
• 32:24
  Carrie: They're in the conscious discipline book as well.
• 32:27
  Carrie: What you're describing, that's all part of it.
• 32:29
  Mr. Chazz: Yes, Okay, and so much more, and I quick, shameless plug here, because I 30, 30, 35, however long we did this is not enough for me to explain this whole framework for you, but this is such a transformational framework.
• 32:44
  Mr. Chazz: I really it is so helpful and it lays things out so well and it's based off of brain science and it's still evolving.
• 32:50
  Mr. Chazz: This book breaks down the whole framework, all of what I talked about, all the different skills.
• 32:55
  Mr. Chazz: This book actually has a different chapter for each of those skills and it breaks it down into lots and lots of very practical strategies that you can use.
• 33:02
  Mr. Chazz: It's called Conscious Discipline, building Resilient Classrooms, and I know it says classroom, but it's so helpful for parents as well, and you can get anything off the Conscious Discipline website using my code, mrchaz24, and you'll get free shipping off anything on the website.
• 33:17
  Mr. Chazz: And the other one that I really want to gear your attention towards is Managing Emotional Mayhem, the five steps to self-regulation.
• 33:24
  Mr. Chazz: This book teaches you how to self-regulate and teaches you how to teach your child to self-regulate, and those are two big things that, if you're really looking to continue this journey and learn more about what I talked about and you love the videos that I share on social media, where I'm talking about the brains and do all that stuff.
• 33:43
  Mr. Chazz: Those are the books that I would recommend starting with In particular.
• 33:47
  Mr. Chazz: Start with this one first, because it has the whole framework in it.
• 33:51
  Carrie: Okay, I love that and I love the name.
• 33:53
  Carrie: I think conscious is huge in our industry and it's growing, which is awesome.
• 33:57
  Carrie: People are becoming more aware.
• 33:59
  Carrie: Do you feel like this conscious discipline that it's neuro affirming for kids, or for parents that have neurodiverse kids?
• 34:06
  Carrie: Have you seen positive changes?
• 34:08
  Carrie: Great?
• 34:09
  Mr. Chazz: A hundred percent and actually the creator of it.
• 34:12
  Mr. Chazz: Part of what inspired her to create conscious discipline is because she had a traumatic brain injury when she was younger.
• 34:19
  Mr. Chazz: She's much older, she's recently retired, she's like in the 60s or maybe pushing 70 now, but she had a traumatic brain injury and she was learning how, like, how do I help myself, how can I learn in a better way?
• 34:34
  Mr. Chazz: And through that process she was also learning how children learn and the things that were helpful for her and her learning were also helpful for children, also helpful for neurodivergent children.
• 34:46
  Carrie: Amazing.
• 34:47
  Carrie: That sounds perfect.
• 34:48
  Carrie: I think that it's really important to have that piece as well.
• 34:51
  Carrie: So thank you so much for sharing all of these wonderful tools and tricks, and I know we compressed just like your Instagram videos.
• 34:58
  Carrie: We compressed a lot of info in a very short amount of time, so I really appreciate it, and thank you so much for being here with us today, mr Chaz.
• 35:08
  Mr. Chazz: Thank you for having me and fun and please reach out Mr Chaz on all social media TikTok, facebook, instagram, linkedin, youtube.
• 35:16
  Mr. Chazz: Come find me and come along the journey.
• 35:19
  Carrie: Yes, and I don't know if you mentioned your podcast, but it's amazing.
• 35:22
  Carrie: I love it.
• 35:22
  Carrie: That's one of the ways I started connecting.
• 35:25
  Mr. Chazz: Learning curve with Mr Chaz on all podcasting platforms.
• 35:29
  Carrie: Yes, Thank you.
• 35:31
  Carrie: Well, that's a wrap.
• 35:32
  Carrie: Thanks so much for tuning in.
• 35:34
  Carrie: Change makers.
• 35:34
  Carrie: This is Carrie, and if you haven't done a review for us, five stars and a little few words about what you've enjoyed in our podcast episodes, we would really appreciate it.
• 35:45
  Carrie: If you guys would like to ever message me, I would love any questions you have or any feedback.
• 35:50
  Carrie: At info at hearttoheartlifecom, we also have a brand new website which we're super excited to share.
• 35:57
  Carrie: It's hearttoheartlifecom.
• 36:00
  Carrie: Thanks so much for tuning in and happy life, happy times.
• 36:04
  Carrie: Changemaker families.