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Why Your Teen Wants Independence But Avoids Responsibility · IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective

• 0:00
  Ben: Hello everyone.
• 0:01
  Ben: Welcome back to the podcast.
• 0:04
  Ben: Thank you.
• 0:04
  Ben: Those of you who are here every week, I really appreciate the continued support.
• 0:10
  Ben: today is your lucky day.
• 0:12
  Ben: I have a special guest with me, NOLA Gephart, and we are going to be talking about some really key issues when it comes to parenting teenagers.
• 0:25
  Ben: I guess this could actually probably apply to any age, but specifically teenagers, this is where they will push back, and I am just really excited to have a conversation about how to help your teen seek responsibility and maybe not hyper focus on independence.
• 0:43
  Ben: Nola, welcome to the podcast.
• 0:45
  Ben: Why don't you go ahead, tell us a little bit about yourself and what you do.
• 0:50
  Nola: Okay.
• 0:51
  Nola: Nice to see you, Ben, or talk with you, I should say.
• 0:54
  Nola: I am a coach.
• 0:56
  Nola: I typically work with, high achievers that have all kinds of complex issues, but.
• 1:03
  Nola: For certain deal with their children and how to parent them in the right way.
• 1:08
  Nola: I came into this space a little bit by accident.
• 1:11
  Nola: I originally started my business, coaching parents and teens, and I did that because if I back up even further, I was a lacrosse coach.
• 1:20
  Nola: For middle school and then high school, and I have four kids of my own that are now up and out.
• 1:26
  Nola: They're 20 to 27, so either tail end of college or out into the workforce.
• 1:31
  Nola: So kind of gone through the whole gambit of raising kids, coaching kids, coaching a segment of the population and now into kind of a different segment.
• 1:43
  Nola: But regardless, the concept of.
• 1:46
  Nola: Working with parents and their children.
• 1:49
  Nola: I think no matter what you coach and you're gonna find this because people that have children have issues with their children.
• 1:56
  Nola: Yeah.
• 1:56
  Nola: As wonderful and humbling as they are, they're also, you know, challenging in spaces.
• 2:02
  Ben: Yeah.
• 2:02
  Ben: Do you know what was really good for business in this space?
• 2:06
  Ben: COVID.
• 2:07
  Ben: Do you remember back when they like shut down all the schools and all these poor parents that were like, well, it's not my kid, it's the freaking teacher.
• 2:15
  Ben: Well, now they had to deal with their kids all day, every day, and absolutely, they started to really realize, oh.
• 2:22
  Ben: maybe it's not the teacher.
• 2:24
  Ben: Maybe it's something in my dynamic with my teenager and I do not want COVID to come back at all.
• 2:32
  Ben: That was terrible.
• 2:34
  Ben: But I do appreciate the.
• 2:36
  Ben: Increased level of awareness that came with that.
• 2:39
  Ben: Like, oh, okay, my child is a pain in the butt and now I'm starting to understand that for the first time.
• 2:47
  Ben: So
• 2:47
  Nola: yeah, absolutely.
• 2:49
  Nola: Absolutely.
• 2:49
  Nola: and seeing some of their dynamics too, and how they approach school.
• 2:55
  Nola: Where they had one expectation, and actually the expectation was very different than when it came into practice.
• 3:01
  Nola: Yeah.
• 3:02
  Nola: That they're a procrastinator and they didn't realize that they thought it was the teacher or, yes, totally agree.
• 3:07
  Ben: Yeah.
• 3:07
  Nola: I found that even with my own kids was eye-opening.
• 3:10
  Ben: Yeah.
• 3:11
  Ben: I feel like I wasn't quite as broadsided because my oldest has been a knucklehead, not that he's a knucklehead, but like.
• 3:20
  Ben: He dances to the beat of a different drum, likes to do things his own way.
• 3:25
  Ben: And I blame it on my mom because I remember my mom always saying, Ben, I hope someday you have a child just like you.
• 3:33
  Ben: So that you know.
• 3:34
  Ben: And he was a lot like me.
• 3:37
  Ben: And it was kind of a good, it happened at the right time for our family.
• 3:41
  Ben: 'cause we're like, you know what?
• 3:42
  Ben: You need more time with us anyways.
• 3:44
  Ben: Let's.
• 3:45
  Ben: Get to work on this stuff.
• 3:46
  Ben: one last thing before we get into today's topic.
• 3:50
  Ben: This is just a side note.
• 3:52
  Ben: Do you feel like being a lacrosse coach has helped you as a life coach?
• 3:58
  Ben: Because I feel like being a football coach is one of those things that sets me apart from other coaches.
• 4:04
  Ben: Like not only do I have to be good, like over Zoom, helping you.
• 4:09
  Ben: I have to be good on the field in the heat of battle.
• 4:12
  Ben: Mm-hmm.
• 4:12
  Ben: How do you feel like being a, oh, yeah.
• 4:15
  Ben: tell me more about that for a minute.
• 4:17
  Nola: I think absolutely, because so much of the game is mindset, right?
• 4:22
  Nola: Yeah.
• 4:22
  Nola: Is getting these kids to believe in themselves and their ability.
• 4:26
  Nola: They can have all the talent in the world, but if they've got no.
• 4:29
  Nola: Belief in themselves, or no, hard, if you will, right?
• 4:32
  Nola: Then it's really hard to get that to translate onto the field and sometimes them borrowing your belief in themselves was enough to get them kind of started.
• 4:43
  Nola: But it was also interesting not only dealing with the kids, but dealing with the parents because you've got the parents that are vicariously living.
• 4:51
  Nola: Yeah.
• 4:51
  Nola: Which I see that all the time with my clients, right?
• 4:54
  Nola: They're vicariously living through their kids or they believe something about their child that, you know, they should have more playing time or they're, you know, they should be able to miss practices and then still have the time on the field that they want.
• 5:09
  Nola: So there was a lot of navigating of all of those things that I absolutely see translating into my business for certain, and I think.
• 5:18
  Nola: Also understanding the kids I found had a trust level with me that was really unique also, is they would come to me for a lot of things that were very unrelated to lacrosse that they were trying to navigate because they built a trust, which I think is invaluable to have someone in the kid's corner.
• 5:38
  Ben: Yeah, and I find it interesting.
• 5:41
  Ben: I don't know if you deal with this a lot in your space, but I'll have parents and teens that'll come to a free consultation with me and they're like, yeah, we're meeting with so and so on Tuesday.
• 5:52
  Ben: We already met with somebody else last week and we're just trying to decide.
• 5:55
  Ben: I can't tell you how many times, like any life coaches listening to this like Go coach youth sports.
• 6:01
  Ben: Like I can't tell you how many times a client, either the parent.
• 6:05
  Ben: Or the teenager has come back to me and they're like, we pick you like something about you being a football coach.
• 6:11
  Ben: I think you can help us.
• 6:12
  Ben: And I'm like, oh yeah, great.
• 6:13
  Ben: I'm like, let's do this.
• 6:14
  Nola: Absolutely.
• 6:15
  Nola: Absolutely.
• 6:16
  Nola: I totally agree.
• 6:17
  Nola: I think it gives you a totally, and it's, you know, that's not an easy position coaching a bunch of, you know, teenagers on a sports field.
• 6:24
  Nola: It's, I have a lot of respect for any coach having, you know, been in that position.
• 6:30
  Nola: So I completely agree, and I think there's a relatability that kids find in the way that you're able to kind of.
• 6:39
  Nola: Communicate and help the parent understand and all of that kind of thing.
• 6:42
  Nola: That's unique to a sports coach.
• 6:45
  Ben: Yeah, and I use so many of the principles just interchangeably.
• 6:50
  Ben: I apply them to football, I talk to my football players about them, and I'll share with my clients, whether they're parents or they're teenagers, like this is what we experienced.
• 7:00
  Ben: On the field Friday night, here's how I apply this.
• 7:03
  Ben: And I think people like seeing, oh yeah, like being successful on the football field can translate into being successful in my life if I just follow these same principles.
• 7:14
  Ben: yeah.
• 7:14
  Nola: Yes.
• 7:14
  Ben: I love that.
• 7:15
  Ben: Let's talk about, before we hit record, you said something that I had never heard before, but I think we'll be really.
• 7:22
  Ben: Applicable to the parents that are listening to this.
• 7:25
  Ben: You talked about your kids wanting independence and you kind of helping steer them to seek responsibility.
• 7:33
  Ben: Talk to me a little bit more about this idea of independence versus responsibility.
• 7:39
  Nola: Okay, so we, this was kind of a family mantra we adopted and I think, you know, it comes from my, my, it doesn't immediately matter where it comes from, but regardless, seeking responsibility really is about at five years old, when my kids went to kindergarten, their responsibility was making their lunch.
• 7:57
  Nola: So that started super early.
• 8:00
  Nola: Obviously it's 5-year-old making their lunches pretty early to do that.
• 8:03
  Nola: And what they would do is make it their lunch, the four of them, and then leave their lunchbox open.
• 8:08
  Nola: And then I would come and make sure that it wasn't filled with, you know, Oreos and lollipop candy bars, something exactly all the things that they really wanted, but knew would never fly.
• 8:17
  Nola: And then I would zip them up and then they could go.
• 8:20
  Nola: They were responsible with what went into their lunchbox, so they got to have the independence of choice.
• 8:27
  Nola: If, however, they had just grabbed onto independent, oh, I get to make my lunch and I can throw whatever I want into it, the responsibility would've been lacking the responsibility of being and learning what a healthy meal would be, learning how they were gonna feel after they ate something that was.
• 8:44
  Nola: You know, candy bars and lollipops.
• 8:47
  Nola: So it, the two go in tandem and it translated their whole lives.
• 8:51
  Nola: Meaning when they wanted to, you know, they wanted their first car.
• 8:56
  Nola: There was a responsibility to help save for that car, help understand what it meant to have a car, help change the oil, or learn how to change a tire on that car.
• 9:06
  Nola: All of that is responsibility.
• 9:08
  Nola: Or take it to the, you know, shop when it needed it, whatever it was.
• 9:12
  Nola: They learned about the responsibility of earning, of having a car, of buying a car, of knowing what insurance was about on a car before they could actually have the independence.
• 9:24
  Nola: Of going on their first car ride alone.
• 9:27
  Nola: Yeah.
• 9:28
  Nola: So one of, one of the, my favorite things, and my father did this to me, is on my birthday, I was so excited to get in my car and drive away and my front tire was off the car, so I literally had to fix it, change the tire.
• 9:42
  Nola: That was exactly the message is, until you can change this tire, then you can't get out into the road.
• 9:48
  Nola: It's that responsibility that I had to seek before I could get the independence.
• 9:52
  Nola: That translates really beautifully into life.
• 9:56
  Nola: If we're constantly looking for independence and not wanting the responsibility, we're gonna bang up against some hard times, and it's a great lesson to teach our children.
• 10:05
  Ben: And just to highlight something your dad did, which I can only imagine was super annoying in the moment, but you are highly motivated in that moment because you want to go out.
• 10:18
  Ben: You want that independence, and so this little hoop that you have to jump through to demonstrate your responsibility.
• 10:26
  Ben: Which, if we just break down the word responsibility, it's basically like your ability to respond appropriately.
• 10:34
  Ben: Like you had to show your dad, look, I have the ability to respond appropriately.
• 10:39
  Ben: If I have a flat tire, now I can go and you probably didn't even like tell me you loved him or tell me goodbye.
• 10:44
  Ben: You just fix it and you're like, I'm out.
• 10:46
  Ben: But the power of when he did it, like you're very motivated.
• 10:52
  Ben: I feel like that is something that as parents, we could.
• 10:55
  Ben: Do, like, understand what our kids are motivated by and use that to reinforce this responsibility that we want them to have.
• 11:04
  Nola: Absolutely.
• 11:05
  Nola: Absolutely.
• 11:06
  Nola: And here we are all these years and there's a few years between when I was, you know, 17 driving and now I still remember that lesson.
• 11:13
  Nola: I remember it really well because it did create for me a, you know, a barrier.
• 11:20
  Nola: And it wasn't a barrier that was insurmountable.
• 11:22
  Nola: It also taught me that I could be self-sufficient.
• 11:26
  Nola: I could solve problems, I could step into an unfortunate situation instead of stomp my feet about it, I could actually just solve for it.
• 11:35
  Nola: And what I think is also really important to take away is he didn't solve for me.
• 11:41
  Nola: I had to solve.
• 11:42
  Nola: Yeah.
• 11:42
  Nola: And we, I find with my clients all the time that it oftentimes, and myself as well, we wanna step into our children's lives and solve for them and yeah.
• 11:52
  Nola: Then the lessons lost and it's really an important thing for them to learn that independence from some of the obstacles that they encounter.
• 12:01
  Ben: Yeah.
• 12:01
  Ben: In my coaching.
• 12:03
  Ben: It doesn't really matter if I'm working with parents or teens.
• 12:06
  Ben: I try and teach this concept of rights versus privileges, and a lot of parents don't have this conversation and it is kind of a shock to the teen and parents don't understand like, I don't get it.
• 12:20
  Ben: My teen is pissed off now and I'm like.
• 12:22
  Ben: Well, because they've never lived in the world of rights versus privileges.
• 12:27
  Ben: They just thought every privilege that they enjoyed was a right and you just completely shifted their reality, which sucks for them.
• 12:35
  Ben: So let's understand why your teen is upset, but it's super powerful.
• 12:39
  Ben: But I would teach about how like.
• 12:42
  Ben: Rights.
• 12:43
  Ben: I'm not gonna take'em from you.
• 12:44
  Ben: Like I'm gonna provide shelter, clothing, food, privacy, but your privileges.
• 12:51
  Ben: Those are things that need to be earned, and I really like this concept.
• 12:56
  Ben: I feel like this could be added to the rights and privileges idea and really take it deeper.
• 13:02
  Ben: Like, Hey, the more privileges you want, which.
• 13:06
  Ben: Most teens just see that as like independence.
• 13:09
  Ben: But look.
• 13:10
  Ben: Mm-hmm.
• 13:10
  Ben: There's this other side.
• 13:12
  Ben: There's the responsibility component.
• 13:14
  Ben: How are you going to about, or going to go about earning these privileges and earning the independence?
• 13:22
  Ben: Because I feel like one of the big problems that we have in today's world, and adults fall into this too.
• 13:28
  Ben: Like I watch what's going on and the protests and I'm like.
• 13:31
  Ben: You guys do not understand what it means to like, earn what you want and be willing to pay a price for what you want.
• 13:40
  Ben: And I feel like this idea of responsibility not being the same as independence is kind of what takes that rights versus privileges to the next level.
• 13:51
  Ben: Like.
• 13:51
  Ben: You want the independence, but do you understand the responsibility that comes with that
• 13:56
  Nola: and it Yes, absolutely.
• 13:58
  Nola: And I love the whole rights versus privileges tied into this.
• 14:02
  Nola: It also takes some of the.
• 14:04
  Nola: I'll call it conflict away at times.
• 14:07
  Nola: If a child is asking for independence, like, Hey, I wanna go on this, you know, I wanna skip school one day and go on this field trip that the school is sponsoring, the question then can be, how have you shown responsibility to allow for that to happen?
• 14:22
  Nola: Yeah, and if they're caught up in their schoolwork, if the teachers, you know, whatever it may be, like they get to fill in that blank.
• 14:29
  Nola: However, if the child is failing the subject and hasn't done the homework and is, you know, sleeping through class, then the question is very simply like, okay, how do you square up the things that we're working on?
• 14:43
  Nola: The fact that you're behind on this and this with the fact that you want this independence.
• 14:47
  Nola: How do we square up the responsibility with the independence?
• 14:50
  Nola: It almost takes the drama out of it.
• 14:52
  Nola: Yeah, because it just brings it to the child of like, okay, show me how.
• 14:57
  Nola: Yeah.
• 14:58
  Nola: Instead of me telling you're not doing it, show me how you're doing it.
• 15:02
  Ben: Yeah.
• 15:02
  Nola: Explain it to me.
• 15:03
  Ben: I love that.
• 15:04
  Ben: One of the things that I like to help parents understand, like.
• 15:09
  Ben: Your teen wants independence Naturally.
• 15:12
  Ben: They probably don't want the responsibility that goes with that, like nobody does.
• 15:17
  Ben: We all want to eat junk food and we don't want the responsibility of gaining weight and then having to like, it's just not how we're designed as human beings.
• 15:24
  Ben: So if we can better understand that, but one of the things that I like to do is.
• 15:29
  Ben: I like to understand what my team's motivators are, so like what their values are.
• 15:35
  Ben: This is kind of what your dad did to you.
• 15:36
  Ben: Like, oh, you want to go out tonight?
• 15:38
  Ben: Well, good luck.
• 15:40
  Ben: You're gonna have to put that tire back on.
• 15:42
  Ben: But for me, I like to take it even a step deeper.
• 15:45
  Ben: Like I wanna understand what their driving values are.
• 15:49
  Ben: So as a parent, I can reinforce responsibility or these.
• 15:53
  Ben: Good human traits that I want my team to have with something that's important to them.
• 15:58
  Ben: But I also like to have a conversation ahead of time.
• 16:02
  Ben: So if my, like, here's an example.
• 16:05
  Ben: I've used this a lot with my teens and so they, they like to use my own parenting tools against me, which.
• 16:12
  Ben: Fantastic.
• 16:13
  Ben: That's how you know you have smart kids and what you're doing is working.
• 16:16
  Ben: But there was a time where I wouldn't let my two oldest have cell phones in their bedroom at night.
• 16:23
  Nola: Mm-hmm.
• 16:23
  Ben: I'm like, nothing good happens at night.
• 16:26
  Ben: I don't want you on your phone.
• 16:27
  Ben: And they have this old school alarm clock that I think my wife had.
• 16:31
  Ben: That she had gotten from her grandparents or something.
• 16:33
  Ben: I don't know.
• 16:33
  Ben: It was like built in 1975.
• 16:36
  Ben: Who knows?
• 16:37
  Ben: But sometimes it just wouldn't work.
• 16:39
  Ben: Right.
• 16:40
  Ben: And the power would go out and whatever.
• 16:42
  Ben: And I remember my oldest being like, dad, why can't we have our cell phones at night?
• 16:48
  Ben: And he isn't using my tools.
• 16:50
  Ben: Great.
• 16:50
  Ben: But he is starting a conversation trying to understand where I'm coming from, and I'm like.
• 16:55
  Ben: I don't want you up on your phone all night messaging your friends, like watching TikTok or whatever the crap it is.
• 17:03
  Ben: And I remember him being like, dad, me and my little brother, so he was 16, the younger was 14 at the time.
• 17:11
  Ben: He's like, we are going to early morning football weights at five 30 in the morning every morning.
• 17:19
  Ben: Sometimes our alarm doesn't work and you have to come check on us.
• 17:23
  Ben: He's like, dad, if we can have our cell phones in our room, you would know that we're not staying up late because we have to get up at five 30 in the fricking morning to go to waits.
• 17:32
  Ben: And I'm like, dang, that's actually true.
• 17:36
  Ben: And so he was able to show me like, dad, I want this level of independence.
• 17:41
  Ben: Here is this level of responsibility or in my home rights versus privileges.
• 17:46
  Ben: Like, I want this privilege, here's what I'm willing to do to earn it.
• 17:50
  Ben: Like I'm already doing it.
• 17:51
  Ben: I'm getting up at five 30 in the morning.
• 17:53
  Ben: If that becomes a problem, you'll know you can take away the phones.
• 17:56
  Ben: And I'm like, dang, he's right.
• 17:58
  Ben: And here's the beauty of it.
• 17:59
  Nola: Beautiful.
• 18:00
  Nola: Beautifully done.
• 18:01
  Ben: Yeah, it empowered him.
• 18:03
  Ben: It gave him what he freaking wanted, and it also gave me what I wanted because.
• 18:08
  Ben: I didn't have to go make sure that they're awake.
• 18:10
  Ben: I didn't have to go make sure that the alarm clock worked.
• 18:13
  Ben: They just, their phones were able to wake'em up.
• 18:15
  Ben: They got like that, I believe.
• 18:18
  Ben: Is this idea that you're talking about, like yes, you can have the independence
• 18:21
  Nola: mm-hmm.
• 18:22
  Ben: If you're willing to tow the line when it comes to the responsibility component.
• 18:26
  Nola: Exactly.
• 18:27
  Nola: And if you would come in it.
• 18:28
  Nola: 12 o'clock and he is on his phone, then you know that the responsibility is lagging.
• 18:33
  Nola: Right.
• 18:33
  Nola: Or if he wasn't able to get up beautifully.
• 18:35
  Nola: Like Exactly.
• 18:36
  Nola: That's exactly the concept of seeking responsibility, not independence.
• 18:41
  Nola: He was seeking the responsibility of getting himself up.
• 18:44
  Ben: Yeah.
• 18:44
  Nola: So that he could go and have, it was also, honestly, he was seeking responsibility for going to the weights in the morning.
• 18:50
  Nola: Yeah.
• 18:50
  Nola: The independence that he got was the phone.
• 18:52
  Ben: That's
• 18:53
  Nola: the responsibility were both ends of it.
• 18:55
  Ben: Yeah.
• 18:56
  Ben: So I don't know if this is too much of a transition, but the other thing that I'm really intrigued by, you talked about the difference between being a sponge and being a parent.
• 19:05
  Ben: Mm-hmm.
• 19:06
  Ben: Or being a parent, being a sponge versus being a trampoline.
• 19:10
  Ben: I think we could apply that to the other one.
• 19:13
  Ben: Talk to me, what is this idea of being a sponge or a sponging, I think you called it, and trampolining.
• 19:20
  Nola: Yes.
• 19:20
  Nola: So this is, I applies to, it doesn't matter whether you're parent and child.
• 19:25
  Nola: It doesn't matter whether you're dealing with a spouse or whether you're dealing with a coworker or a friend.
• 19:32
  Nola: It doesn't matter where you apply this, and it works everywhere.
• 19:35
  Nola: We, as human beings tend to sponge people's emotions, especially if you're what we call people pleaser.
• 19:42
  Nola: Like someone who really cares a lot about, yeah, pleasing others.
• 19:46
  Nola: Sponging is your child comes home from school and starts unloading about a friend of theirs and how mean they are and how awful they are, and all of a sudden you're absorbing all of this and it's becoming your emotion.
• 19:59
  Nola: And now their, you know, distress or their hurt or their anger is becoming your.
• 20:06
  Nola: And you're starting to formulate your own beliefs.
• 20:08
  Nola: Oh, that person's never coming to our house again.
• 20:10
  Nola: This is an awful child.
• 20:11
  Nola: And you start thinking all of these thoughts based on what's happened to your child.
• 20:16
  Nola: You're no longer really even engaged with your child's story.
• 20:19
  Nola: Now you're just thinking about.
• 20:20
  Nola: All the ways that this child, oh, I didn't like him from the start.
• 20:23
  Nola: and what you probably are gonna do is step in and try to solve, you're probably gonna be like, yeah, you should stay away from him.
• 20:29
  Nola: You shouldn't talk to that child.
• 20:31
  Nola: He should never have done that.
• 20:32
  Nola: This is all the, you know, this is the pattern for him and he's just a, that person and you're gonna get into all of this.
• 20:39
  Nola: Then your child either has one of two options.
• 20:41
  Nola: They're either going to need to defend this child that is their friend.
• 20:47
  Nola: Which flips the script.
• 20:48
  Ben: Yeah.
• 20:48
  Nola: Or they're gonna feel like they almost have to take care of you Now sometimes like, oh, don't worry mom, it's okay.
• 20:55
  Nola: We will figure this out.
• 20:56
  Nola: And it doesn't actually hold the space for them that they were coming.
• 21:00
  Nola: If they came to you, you've won.
• 21:02
  Nola: That's battle one.
• 21:03
  Nola: They're coming to you with a problem that they wanna talk to you about.
• 21:06
  Nola: So the trampolining that happens.
• 21:09
  Nola: It happens kind of with consent too, but the trampolining that happens instead of taking on this emotion that your child has and then you're left feeling heavy and wet and like you just wanna be rung out.
• 21:21
  Ben: Yeah.
• 21:22
  Nola: Instead, it's the trampolining, meaning it lands.
• 21:26
  Nola: You feel that emotion, that anger, that hurt, that whatever the emotion is that your child is expressing, you feel it, it lands, and then you give it back to them.
• 21:35
  Nola: Recognizing it isn't your emotion.
• 21:38
  Nola: Instead, you hold kind of that space for them to talk to you.
• 21:42
  Nola: And then what ushers in hopefully, is what I call consent.
• 21:46
  Nola: So it's sponge, it's trampoline instead of sponge.
• 21:49
  Nola: And then there's consent.
• 21:50
  Nola: And what consent sounds like is, are you looking for me to listen, or would you like to help me to help problem solve That one sentence, if I could teach parents anything, is that one sentence.
• 22:02
  Nola: Because oftentimes kids just want you to listen.
• 22:05
  Nola: Whereas we as parents wanna get in there and solve.
• 22:08
  Ben: Yeah.
• 22:08
  Nola: And sometimes when we get in there and solve, we actually, they push away and they stop coming to us'cause they don't actually want us to solve.
• 22:17
  Nola: So that's kind of the concept of sponging and trampolining is letting it land, letting it feel really heavy and hard.
• 22:23
  Nola: And then allowing it to go right back to the individual, the friend, the parent, you know, the child, the coworker, whatever it is, where that emotion came from.
• 22:31
  Nola: And get clear on what you're actually feeling.
• 22:34
  Ben: I love that.
• 22:35
  Ben: I teach this idea of trying to manage your teenager's model.
• 22:40
  Ben: So how they think, how they feel, how they behave.
• 22:43
  Ben: And anytime you're trying to do that, you can't efficiently manage your own model'cause you're wasting all your energy on their model.
• 22:51
  Ben: And that sponging to me sounds very much like.
• 22:55
  Ben: You are absorbing, like you're almost experiencing their model for them and trying to manage it for them, whereas that trampolining is like, you let it land.
• 23:06
  Ben: Like yeah, I see how you feel.
• 23:08
  Ben: I can understand why you would feel that way, but you put the ball right back into their court.
• 23:13
  Ben: And I liked those two questions.
• 23:16
  Ben: 'cause really you're positioning your teenager in a position where they're.
• 23:21
  Ben: You're inviting them to take the lead.
• 23:23
  Ben: Like, what do you want from me?
• 23:25
  Ben: Do you want me to listen?
• 23:26
  Ben: Do you want me to help you problem solve?
• 23:28
  Ben: But either way, you are in charge.
• 23:31
  Ben: You are leading this thing.
• 23:32
  Nola: Yes, exactly.
• 23:34
  Nola: And with my own kids, I would use this.
• 23:36
  Nola: And I even went a step further.
• 23:37
  Nola: am I mom or am I your coach?
• 23:39
  Nola: Because oftentimes what they were really looking for is some coaching, but sometimes they just wanted me to be quiet and be my, their mom, love them and not give them any feedback.
• 23:48
  Nola: So it's that all that same, it's kind of like we are our children's coaches.
• 23:53
  Nola: Yeah, we are sometimes our employees coaches, right?
• 23:56
  Nola: That's kind of our role in some respect.
• 23:59
  Nola: Not quite, you know.
• 24:01
  Nola: Not maybe as effective sometimes as we want to be, but that is kind of our role in life is be their mentors and all of those things.
• 24:07
  Nola: So holding that question, you know, what is it that you're looking for from me can be super transformational and the kids will wind up talking more when they believe that they're not always gonna be told what to do.
• 24:23
  Ben: Yeah, and just to like bring things full circle.
• 24:26
  Ben: If you can get good at that question and letting your teen lead, then they're gonna come take the lead when you don't expect it.
• 24:34
  Ben: And they'll be like, why can't I have my cell phone at night?
• 24:37
  Ben: Like, you're just empowering your teenager and this is really hard to do by the way, because like man, sometimes I say things that.
• 24:46
  Ben: Probably piss some people off.
• 24:47
  Ben: But we live in a society that is very much disempowering.
• 24:51
  Ben: Like kids at school have to raise their hand and ask if they can go to the bathroom, and like everything is managed like we're not taught, like, Hey, figure out your own health.
• 25:01
  Ben: Like go to the doctor and let them tell you how to manage your health.
• 25:04
  Ben: And we just live in this society where you're supposed to fit in.
• 25:09
  Ben: You're supposed to play by the rules and follow.
• 25:12
  Ben: The leadership, whatever that might be, and you're, yes.
• 25:16
  Ben: Like this is an effort to empower your teenager to think for themselves, feel for themselves, and behave in a way that is true to them and true to what they want.
• 25:30
  Ben: Those privileges and that independence that we talked about earlier.
• 25:33
  Nola: Absolutely.
• 25:34
  Nola: Absolutely.
• 25:35
  Nola: And I think that if we could be more curious as almost like a society, if we could be more curious with each other instead of either judgmental or.
• 25:45
  Nola: Wanting to always be right.
• 25:47
  Nola: Like as parents, sometimes we want to be right more than we want to be understanding or un, you know, understand our child.
• 25:55
  Nola: And this question like, what are you looking for?
• 25:58
  Nola: Are you looking for me to, you know, solve or it's, I call it the three H's actually, and I use this a lot with my corporate co clients or anyone that's like, is the three H's are, do you want me to hear, do you want me to help or do you want me to handle?
• 26:12
  Nola: Yeah.
• 26:13
  Nola: Ooh, that's crazy.
• 26:13
  Nola: And sometimes they just want you to hear, sometimes they want you to help.
• 26:17
  Nola: If they want you to handle it, that's where you wanna get super curious.
• 26:22
  Nola: Like, no, I want you to handle this.
• 26:24
  Nola: Okay?
• 26:24
  Nola: Help me understand why.
• 26:26
  Nola: Because there's a disempowerment that's happening when they want you to handle it.
• 26:30
  Nola: They're giving all of their power away to you to take care of it.
• 26:33
  Nola: So now I wanna know why are they hiding from something?
• 26:36
  Nola: Are they looking for an offloading?
• 26:39
  Nola: Like, what's going on here?
• 26:40
  Nola: That like, no, you go talk to my coach for me, mom.
• 26:44
  Ben: Yeah.
• 26:44
  Nola: Now I'm gonna pump the brakes and be like, okay, why is it that you want me to talk to the coach?
• 26:48
  Ben: Yeah, that's,
• 26:49
  Nola: you can find out a lot that way.
• 26:50
  Ben: Yeah, I love curiosity.
• 26:52
  Ben: I, that's one of the things I tell parents in the very beginning, like if you can just be a little bit more curious and all of it, it leads to empowering your teenager.
• 27:03
  Ben: And I love that question.
• 27:04
  Ben: Do you want me to hear, do you want me to help or do you want me to handle?
• 27:07
  Ben: That is a very empowering question, especially if you can take it to the next level and get curious and be like.
• 27:14
  Ben: Even if your teen was like, I want you to go talk to my coach for me like that.
• 27:20
  Ben: Like why?
• 27:21
  Ben: How do you think this is going to play out?
• 27:23
  Ben: What benefits?
• 27:25
  Ben: Oh, we could go so deep on that.
• 27:26
  Ben: that's really good.
• 27:28
  Ben: Let me ask you this question.
• 27:29
  Ben: If someone's listening to this podcast, if someone is, hopefully someone is, besides my mom, I always tell my mom, don't listen to my podcast, please.
• 27:37
  Ben: But someone who's listening to this, if they're thinking, geez, I could really, I could probably use Nola's help.
• 27:44
  Ben: How would they know if they're a good fit for you or if they're ready to take their life to the next level with you?
• 27:53
  Nola: great question.
• 27:54
  Nola: So if you're stuck, if you're feeling like, I know that this is not the life that I really want, or if you've stopped choosing your life, if you're just letting life kind of dictate and you're just rolling with it, but you realize, you know what?
• 28:09
  Nola: I don't even choose the things I'm doing anymore.
• 28:11
  Nola: I'm doing them on autopilot.
• 28:13
  Nola: That's a great space.
• 28:14
  Nola: If you've also got issues in the workplace or with the, with family, all of these places, empowerment isn't exclusive to anyone's space in your life.
• 28:24
  Nola: Empowerment and relationships are everywhere.
• 28:27
  Nola: Yeah.
• 28:27
  Nola: I kind of work across lots of different, segments of populations, but high achievers tend to have a certain, you know, common.
• 28:36
  Nola: Common goal, I would say, and they miss, they've got blind spots that are really, you know, similar.
• 28:43
  Nola: And same thing with parents, and same thing with like, everybody's got different issues, but they're all kind of the same.
• 28:50
  Nola: They're all just slightly, you know, fragmented in the ways that they intersect, but they're all very similar.
• 28:57
  Ben: So basically if someone just feels like they're stuck and they've kind of lost.
• 29:02
  Ben: The power to choose.
• 29:03
  Ben: Like they're basically living in reaction, right?
• 29:07
  Nola: Yes.
• 29:08
  Ben: And here's the crazy thing about empowerment.
• 29:11
  Ben: When you start to empower yourself, you can't help it, but you start to empower other people around you.
• 29:18
  Ben: And sometimes that's a uncomfortable conversation.
• 29:21
  Ben: Like if your teenager or your spouse or your boss is used to you managing.
• 29:27
  Ben: Their model for them.
• 29:30
  Ben: And you come in and you like manage how they feel.
• 29:32
  Ben: The moment you empower yourself, that's when you realize, oh, I can't control that.
• 29:37
  Ben: That's not my job.
• 29:38
  Ben: I'm gonna do my job.
• 29:40
  Ben: Well now you've just empowered that person, which they're probably not gonna like by the way.
• 29:44
  Ben: 'cause they rather.
• 29:45
  Ben: I liked it when you were managing it for them, but you've just empowered them because now they've gotta manage that on their own, or they at least have the choice like, do I manage this on my own or do I not?
• 29:57
  Ben: Yeah.
• 29:57
  Ben: That is really good.
• 29:58
  Ben: I think you and I have similar niches, like I only talk to like parents of teenagers and yet.
• 30:06
  Ben: People bring their teenagers to me probably because they don't want to actually do the work themselves or like fix my kid.
• 30:12
  Ben: But there are times where due to my, like I just can't wait.
• 30:18
  Ben: I feel like now I can be like, go talk to Nola.
• 30:21
  Ben: Like Nola will fix you.
• 30:22
  Ben: Just like that.
• 30:23
  Ben: And here's the thing about Nola.
• 30:25
  Ben: I, we've met in person, have we met once or just twice?
• 30:29
  Nola: I'm not sure that it was once or twice.
• 30:31
  Nola: We met at the conventions a couple times, so maybe twice.
• 30:34
  Nola: Maybe twice.
• 30:35
  Ben: Have you ever been to, oh, that, I just forget her name.
• 30:39
  Ben: Loses.
• 30:40
  Ben: Lost a hundred pound.
• 30:41
  Ben: Corinne.
• 30:41
  Ben: Have you ever been to any of her?
• 30:43
  Ben: Oh, life events.
• 30:43
  Ben: I
• 30:43
  Nola: don't, but we both live in Nashville.
• 30:45
  Ben: Yeah, I was thinking maybe, so
• 30:48
  Nola: I haven't been.
• 30:48
  Ben: She does just as good an event as Brooke ever did.
• 30:53
  Ben: but anyways, maybe I should let you know the next time I go to Corrine's and should be like I was saying, will you come to, you should sign up.
• 30:58
  Nola: Absolutely.
• 30:59
  Nola: I'll meet you there for sure, Ben.
• 31:01
  Nola: Absolutely.
• 31:02
  Ben: That was awesome.
• 31:03
  Ben: so my wife and I, the last time we went, that was the first time I had ever been to Nashville and Oh, okay.
• 31:10
  Ben: It is a beautiful place.
• 31:12
  Ben: The food is.
• 31:13
  Ben: A little bit too delicious.
• 31:15
  Ben: Which for a guy like me that loves to eat, that can be a problem.
• 31:18
  Ben: But
• 31:19
  Nola: yeah.
• 31:19
  Ben: Yes,
• 31:19
  Nola: it's a fun place to live, that's for sure.
• 31:21
  Nola: We, we moved here about 11 years from the New York metro area, so it's been a huge shift in life.
• 31:28
  Ben: Wow.
• 31:28
  Nola: And we bought a farm.
• 31:29
  Nola: So we went from living, you know, lived in Manhattan for a while, then raised our kids in the suburbs.
• 31:33
  Nola: and then we bought a farm.
• 31:35
  Nola: So we've had like a really interesting segue into life that was kind of fun.
• 31:40
  Ben: Yeah.
• 31:41
  Ben: That's awesome.
• 31:42
  Ben: Well, yeah, I can vouch for Nola.
• 31:44
  Ben: She's fantastic.
• 31:45
  Ben: our paths have intersected so many times and I just, I love what you do.
• 31:51
  Ben: You are a blessing to the coaching community and in a time where, I don't know that I can vouch for all the coaches that are out there, but.
• 32:00
  Ben: I feel very confident that I can vouch for you.
• 32:03
  Ben: Like I've seen your work.
• 32:05
  Ben: I know people very connected to you, and they all just, I want people to talk about me the way that.
• 32:11
  Ben: People talk about you,
• 32:13
  Nola: oh, thank you Ben.
• 32:14
  Nola: That's so nice.
• 32:15
  Nola: Thank you so much for today.
• 32:16
  Nola: This has been, a joy to be able to share some of this information with you.
• 32:21
  Nola: I really had a good time and I will continue to send people your way because there isn't anyone better than Ben, that's for sure.
• 32:28
  Ben: Oh, well thank you.
• 32:28
  Ben: You're very kind too.
• 32:30
  Ben: Last question, and then I'll set you free.
• 32:33
  Ben: If someone is like, man, I gotta have Nola in my life.
• 32:37
  Ben: I need her help.
• 32:38
  Ben: Where can people go to find out about you, about what you do and start that process?
• 32:44
  Nola: The best place to go is to my website, which is NolaGephartcoaching.
• 32:48
  Nola: com.
• 32:49
  Nola: It's just a very simple nolagephartcoaching.com and you can always reach out to me also through that for a consult.
• 32:57
  Nola: Happy to jump on a call, see what's going on in your life and whether we're a great fit for coaching moving forward.
• 33:03
  Ben: Oh, awesome.
• 33:04
  Ben: Yeah, and the way I see it, like if you want someone who can not only love you, but can also.
• 33:11
  Ben: Sift through your BS and hold you accountable.
• 33:13
  Ben: That's Nola.
• 33:14
  Ben: Like she will help you from day one.
• 33:17
  Ben: So really good.
• 33:19
  Ben: Kay.
• 33:19
  Nola: Thank
• 33:19
  Ben: you Greg.
• 33:19
  Ben: Yeah, my pleasure.
• 33:20
  Ben: Anything you want to share before you go?
• 33:23
  Ben: Any closing remark?
• 33:25
  Nola: gosh, if the only thing, the closing I think is one, thank you very much for inviting me on.
• 33:30
  Nola: It's been a pleasure and two.
• 33:33
  Nola: If I could kind of impart any, anything on people as kind of the blessing I'd love to pay forward is if life feels hard or it feels heavy, or you feel stuck, or if you're, God forbid, feeling like a victim, make a change.
• 33:47
  Nola: Take a step towards, call Ben or call me.
• 33:51
  Nola: Like what?
• 33:52
  Nola: Or connect with us.
• 33:53
  Nola: It doesn't need to be that way.
• 33:56
  Nola: I know that's an easy thing to say and a hard thing to do, and I'm not gonna tell you for a second.
• 33:59
  Nola: The transition and transformation is easy, but it is worth it in the end because freedom lives on the other side of that, and that's worth having.
• 34:07
  Nola: Yeah,
• 34:07
  Ben: I love that.
• 34:07
  Ben: So powerful guys.
• 34:09
  Ben: That's the truth.
• 34:11
  Ben: If you feel like the victim change something.
• 34:14
  Ben: Make sure that something starts with you, so really good.
• 34:18
  Ben: Okay.
• 34:18
  Ben: Well Nola, we should do this again sometime.
• 34:21
  Ben: I'll just keep love in the loop.
• 34:23
  Ben: I would
• 34:23
  Nola: love to Ben.
• 34:24
  Nola: Thanks so much again, Ben.
• 34:25
  Ben: Awesome.
• 34:26
  Ben: Thank you.
• 34:26
  Ben: And those of you listening, be sure to come back next week.
• 34:30
  Ben: I'll be right here and we'll give you more powerful parenting tips.