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Upgrade Your Brain: Rewire Fear and Take Back Control · the ACT OUT podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome to the Act Out Podcast.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_01: I'm your host, Adam Tomblett.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_01: Today's guest is a brain retraining specialist, Arnold Biggs.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_01: Let's roll the tape.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: Arnold, how are you?
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'm excellent.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you very much.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, uh, thank you for coming on.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, as soon as I saw your uh as soon as I saw a little bit of beer biography, I was like, man, I I've got to talk to this guy.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: Can you can you uh tell our audience uh pick what you do now currently?
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: What I'm doing now is to let me put my intention.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: My intention is to enable people to become better for all leaders.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: The emphasis is on better for all.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: And in order to do that, you basically need to upgrade your brain.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I mean that uh that that sounds uh sounds great, but I bet you there's a catch.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: Like uh how does one upgrade their brain?
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_04: Well you need a little bit of help.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's yeah, uh that is what I'm providing.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a coach slash trainer for more than 50 years now, so and I am myself the biggest guinea pig.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: So everything I'm teaching, sharing, coaching with people, I I tried on myself always, and if it doesn't work, I don't include it in my training.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: So and and and this goes on every well, yeah, every day.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: Um I I'm now starting for new practices.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'm always testing, trying, because uh well, I I I still need to grow.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: I want to grow.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: There's some stuff I want to get rid of.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: So it's like, hey, I want to change this, I want to change this.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: What can I do about that?
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: What are gonna do about that?
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so um, yeah, it's it's an ongoing process, but most people don't have the time and energy and effort to do that just by themselves, which is quite challenging, obviously, but I love doing it.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_01: Arnold, now uh you were saying um that uh you you were a uh you've been a guinea pig yourself uh on all of these uh methods, which I I I really appreciate because I I'm one of those people where I feel like you you can't really know uh know something until you have fully experienced it and like you know really immersed yourself into it.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: Uh can you kind of go a little bit into your uh like into your journey?
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_01: So uh whenever you before you became a guinea pig, uh what uh what was your uh I I guess what was your childhood like?
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I think your dad was in the military, is that correct?
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, that that is correct.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: And at home he was no different than at work, maybe even a little bit worse, because at home he was he he was the highest in rank.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: Um and I'm laughing, but it was very challenging.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: It was very challenging.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: So basically everything, and I mean literally everything you did at home, he he had how you should do it, why you should do it, how long it should do, what the goal was, and always criticizing when it was not good enough.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: And that had a huge impact on myself, but also on my siblings, also on my mother.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: So we were and I well, we can later hopefully get back to it.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: I was totally driven by fear.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's like like it's like, oh, I hope he he doesn't get angry.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: He yeah.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: It was totally not physical, I must say that.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: So we didn't hit you, whatever.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: But if he was angry, well, I guess it was I I it was worse than then if he just slapped you in the face.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, so it's it was really not nice because you're like, oh yeah, or what's his mood today, or shall I tell him this, or oh he will be angry.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: Is it like that that is really how how I grew up in in a world so and on top of that which I didn't know at all when when I grew up, but I'm pretty sure that my mother already very soon um got some kind of uh mental health problems for which she got medicated.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: But we were not told that.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'm I'm I don't even know whether my father knew or even my mother knew because yeah, but it must be related to depression or something like that, but but she was none there.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: So that's what I know now, and only quite recently, because again nobody told us, but the only thing we knew is that she was in the evening always she was eat eat eating pills like popcorn.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so it's like and so there was something, but for instance, what now has become known that SSRIs, which people are using for for especially depression related and anxiety-related stuff, it numbs your emotional life totally down.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: So it seems like whenever you were growing up, you learned that your safety depended on how everyone else around you was, like what their mood was.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: So it's like if I get good grades at school, he would not be angry, so then I would be safe.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: But if he if the grade was, well, where everybody else's parents would be happy, my father would not be happy.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: So it's like I need to get very, very high grades, then he was like, oh, that's okay.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's really, really yeah, safety is is the right word, and and fear is really the driver behind it.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's like yeah, you're always scanning and looking like what can I say, how should I say it, what should I tell him or not?
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: I think that whenever um whenever you're uh kind of in that environment and you kind of learn that it's you that that you have to make sure that everybody else around you is is okay, you kind of learn to conform and just to fit in.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Totally, totally.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: So that is where well where I'm now teaching people to move from fitting into what I call flying out, uh fitting in, into school system, into well, university, into work environment, being an employee was really, really easy for me.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_01: I I kind of want to get into that.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: You you kind of you have to learn how to put on a mask uh whenever you are uh whenever you are kind of going around and making sure that everyone else is okay.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_01: So I guess growing up for you, did you really kind of have a sense of identity?
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: A sense of a sense of identity.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_01: Like, did you did you like I know who I am?
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_01: Or did you kind of No, not at all.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: Um well I well, there's nobody I knew who had, because your identity is derived from the person in charge.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: So I I call fitting in live living someone else's life.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: You're not living your own life.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: What do I mean by that?
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: I mean is that you if I did what my father told me to do and I did it according to his requirements, I would be okay.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: So there was no way that I could say, oh, but uh dad, could we do it in this way or should I do it this or whatever?
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: No way.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: It was only to be done in his way.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: So that means there was never thinking about, hey Arnold, what do you think?
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: Or Arnold, what do you like?
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: Never, never ever I get that question.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: In that case, I'm I'm not an exception because to this very day I would say most people don't know it.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: If you I was in the beginning of my 40s, Adam, when when my first coach asked me, because well, a lot of things happened, and then I was like, oh I was telling him, I don't want the boss anymore, I don't want this anymore, I don't know.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: And and I was ranting, and he was like, Arnold, hold on.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: Can you please tell me what do you want?
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: And then I was like, I totally blanked out.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: Because this was the and I'm not kidding, this was the first time in my life that someone had asked me that question.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: I was the beginning of my 40s, and it has I still vividly remember where I was sitting, where he was standing, he was standing, and normally I'm I'm totally not lost for words, but then I was like, what?
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, exactly.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: I was the exact same way.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_01: How long did it take you to kind of to figure out what you want, or is that something that you are still working on to this day?
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I I would say it's an ongoing process, but uh well I I cannot get a number to it, but but last year I'm pretty confident and and and I think, but it's like I'm constantly growing, so the person speaking to you today, I'm not the same as a year ago, and I'm totally different than 10 years ago, and and much, much longer, etc.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: Um whereas, well, there's still some characteristics which which have been with me for most of my life, but it's like it's like well, it's like peeling an onion, and then you get rid of one layer, and then you see, oh, there's still some other layers.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and then something happens in your life, and then things which would normally work out fine or not.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: Well, but what do I mean by that?
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: I had four years ago a very, very severe car crash.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: I was nine weeks in the hospital to give you an idea, and and that to this very day, well, has still an impact.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: And well, I hope, but maybe it's more hoped than knowing that that something will go away, but I doubt it.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: So it's like there are some permanent, well, dysfunctional things and things which are impacting me to this very day.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: Whereas before that, I was physically very fit and and doing all kinds of sports and and and everything.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: So my physical thing was never a limitation.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: Now it is.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: I have a heel which is destroyed, among other things, and I have had a traumatic brain injury, which means my nervous system is constantly in fight or flight, which is the most irritating.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: My foot I can't used to.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: I can I'm glad that I can walk a little bit.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: But always my my brain in this fight or flight state, I haven't found yet.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: I I I get it reduced, but it's not gone.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I I'm doing all these practices to address that part, but that's something which happened four years ago.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: Before that, I would not have even talked about it because I was totally very fit.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: I I did sports at a high level.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: So it's like things in your life are never static.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so it's not like, oh, Arnold, you're growing in these years and whatever.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: No, and then all of a sudden something completely different happens, and then you're like, oh, I I need to change my focus.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_01: Um now is there like a uh is there a prognosis for you?
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_01: Like, will you be able to kind of get out of this chronic uh fight or flight state with like more uh practice?
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: I I tell you, I'm uh I'm I I live most of my life in the Netherlands.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: I I have a Dutch passport, and I was in the Netherlands with that accident.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: Um I was telling about these things and whatever, and then they said, oh, you get PTSD, and uh and then they were and I well I got tremors and I got other stuff.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, it will go away, it's nothing.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: But I think the problem was I can still, under any circumstance, fortunately, well, even fortunately with my TBI, I can express myself very clearly.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: So they think, oh, there's nothing wrong with that guy.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and I said, no, it's it's not.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not okay.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: But they didn't believe me, whatever.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: And then PTSD, I got a couple of sessions with a therapist, and well, that didn't help at all, and what always helped happening with well, this was my first and only therapist, but I've been at many, many coaches.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: But what happens after a few sessions sessions, I start coaching them and not the other way around.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um but the it was only and then I well I I moved two years ago from the Netherlands to Romania, and I found here a brain clinic, something as far as I know, didn't exist in the Netherlands.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: In the brain clinic, they found out I got a TBI, which was two years later or three years later than my accident, but in in the Netherlands nobody thought, oh, there's nothing wrong with you.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: And then they said, no, it's we can clearly see you had a TBI.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: And the TBI is causing my nervous system and it's impacting my tremors and impacting my sleep.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: And then I was like, see, those uh buggers, let me put it nicely, in the Netherlands, it's like they are so lousy at their job because I was telling them, like, no, there's something really wrong because I was not like this.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and uh and it didn't go away even after a few years.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: So I was, well, between quotes, quite kinda happy that that they yeah, that they found out that they're the TBI, and that's the cause of a lot of these things.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: But that doesn't mean that you know the cause, but it doesn't mean that you know how to address it.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_01: I can I can imagine that it would feel uh good on the one hand to have an answer.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_01: Like uh there isn't I am not messed up, there is just something wrong with with what happened to me.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_01: But then on the other hand, you're like, well, I have this information, but how like it doesn't really give me a path forward how to with how to deal with it per se.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, well, that's why I'm uh oh I'm constantly trying new practices, new exercises, and and I'm I'm doing them literally uh now twice a day, a set of exercises, and uh yeah, it's it's like I will continue doing this because I don't like this state.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: And uh I gotta deal with it.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and and I I can play the victim, I don't like that.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: But it's like no, I I gotta fix this.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: But the well the the good thing is that well, there's now this AI thing which has got a well positive sides and negative sides, but it helps you with the search and things, what to do, whatever.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: So that's what I'm using.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: So it's like I hope I can find uh something, and I'm pretty sure, but it's it's already better than it was.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: So but it's it's like small steps, but it's like that's why I say there's always always challenges, and there are always challenges to deal with, and but you yeah, through those challenges you grow.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_01: So you were saying that like this uh the this brain injury that kind of puts you puts you in a like a perpetual state of uh of fight or flight, and it and it's also kind of like uh impacted uh like executive functioning as well, like kind of uh like daily tasks.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: No, it it's but but it's like if something, well, especially which is out of my control and you're dependent on other people, that has biggest impact.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: For instance, talking with you, I have zero problem with it.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: I'm totally confident and I'm I love doing this, so I'm not nervous at all.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's really fine.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_00: But when I'm I'm depending on other people and I'm planning things, I'm like, oh, that might go wrong.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: Or like, well, the simple thing is like, well, I'm I'm flying, I will move to Paraguay in a few weeks, and but then I have to fly from here to Spain and from Spain to Paraguay, and then I'm like, oh I hope I don't lose my luggage.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_00: Because my luggage is the only stuff I have, I have no more stuff at all.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: So it's like, well, it would be nice if that would still be there.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: And it's also like, oh, I need to transfer to another terminal, but I cannot walk very fast, especially not with a heavy suitcase.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm like, then I get nervous, yeah.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: So it's like and previously I didn't have that.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, well, I can I'm fine.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but now I'm like, I gotta fight my own mind.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, well, don't make such a big fuss about it.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: You so it's like I'm constantly balancing between beating myself up and being kind to myself in like, Arnold, you can do this.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: There's no problem, there's enough time, and you will fix it.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_01: That's one of the things that uh that I struggle with the uh with the most is uh my internal voice and trying to be more encouraging with myself versus like, oh Adam, you're doing terribly, or you know, something like that.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome back after some technical delays.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_01: We've got a super professional operation here.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_01: The last that uh that I had heard from you that you're kind of having uh a little bit of trouble trying to um kind of having a battle between uh speaking kindly to yourself versus ha you know versus being like, oh Arnold, you know, oh you're you're bad, you're bad.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_01: That is something that uh I very deeply relate with.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_01: Um that was I think um the internal voice was something that I did not even realize that we had any power of changing um until I actually went through therapy.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_01: Can you kind of uh was that similar to you?
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_01: Did you kind of have that have a similar progression as well?
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, it's it's part of my training.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_00: I added it quite recently, is like your inner voice.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_00: And you even have inner voices, plural.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's not just one.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_00: There are a couple of theories around it that you get at least four, maybe five different voices inside of you.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_00: But what I noticed, and and that is quite common, which people understand, that is what they call the inner critic.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: And um the inner critic, well, I guess in your case, and in my case certainly, it's like you you you develop it as a kind of protection against, in my case, my father is like, oh, he will be angry, he'll be doing I better should do this, or this is not good, our others should do this.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_00: It was like preparing me for his anger and hopefully doing things in a way that would be okay.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_00: So but since well, I've been working on this for well, I guess a few years now.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_00: It's like I talk to many people and everybody recognizes it.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_00: And it is like so it's it's it's not uh probably in your and my case, it's a little bit stronger inner critic than with most people, but everybody recognizes that they have this inner critic.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not helpful.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's not helpful at all.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so that's why I said you need to move your inner critic to an inner cheerleader.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I that's actually what I was about to say.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_01: You were um you you think the the that inner critic uh it it seems like it's something that's like hates you and wants the worst for you, but actually it's trying to protect you.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_01: It just doesn't, it doesn't have the tools to be able to help you well.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_01: So it's doing the only thing it knows how to do, it just is you know kind of harmful for you.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's it's like, well, don't go there, don't do this, or this is wrong, or this should be done better, or whatever.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's like it it doesn't try to hurt you, it tries to protect you, which which is in itself a huge insight.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_00: But in the end, by doing that, in some cases it's okay.
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, if if your inner critic says, don't deal with that person because it cannot be trusted, or uh whatever, yeah.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_00: That might be something you should listen to.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_00: But but yeah, in in other cases, it it's it's not putting you in a good mood.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_00: So, but that's not only there, there are a couple of other inner voices.
• 21:49
  SPEAKER_00: So the change which you have to make is like trying to understand what are these voices and listen to them.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_00: And one of the voices, and I've been working let's say two years every day to listen to my heart people know well I'm I'm I'm labeling myself the brain upgrade trainer so well I I know a little bit how the brain works and and how it's it I've been working on that for the past 25 years but people think we have one brain and then they point to their head and say this is my brain yes it's your brain okay but you have actually three brains Adam okay you're lying what are what yeah I was about to say well what are what what are the three uh what are the three brains your head your heart and your gut ah head heart and gut yeah okay that's that's that's not just my insight that's scientifically proven but as we grow up our upbringing and schooling the education system the media everything tries you to think no you only have one brain it's in your head and that's where everything happens and whatever but that means you get still two other brains but you're ignoring them with it you're not consciously ignoring them because if you don't know you have that is yeah you have the same response when I tell it to most people everybody's like oh what free is it what I started doing that and then that there's a a very good book is called the Hard Math Solution which is I think it's written at the end of the 90s so this is not new knowledge this is something that has been like everything which is really good for you it's suppressed and ignored yeah and and people prevent you from getting that because they don't want you to to work with your heart yeah I'm doing every day literally every day I I want to like well what is that that heart brain because first you cognitively understand okay I got three brains okay fine yeah but how am I gonna use that?
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_00: And how can I listen to that?
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_00: What can I do with it?
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_00: What what what's the different rules?
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_00: And that comes out with a difficult word which is called coherence means you gotta create a balance between what your head is good at, what your heart brain is good at and what your gut brain is good at.
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_00: So that's and that is I would say your heart brain is the most important voice.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_00: You and I and most people well if you don't know that that voice is there you you you you're not gonna listen to it.
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_00: So you don't know if it's there then it's not like well let's listen to my heart what?
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah so it's like by learning that and and I said I'm I'm I'm doing these practices for more than two years now I'm like whoa I didn't know that voice was there.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know what it role was I didn't know what what it inside is like what they say your heart brain knows your head brain thinks and your gut brain feels and if you well if you it's be from becoming cognitively aware to a felt experience that takes a lot of practice that's a lot of steps that's why I I still keep on doing this practice because it's bringing me a lot yeah oh yeah and that is one maybe the most important inner voice where you should listen to is the voice of your heart and it is there but our thoughts are so loud and so much in volume yeah in volume in quantity and in quality that your heart brain was there or was always there but it it it it it it was is it was totally overwhelmed by the noise of of your head.
• 26:19
  SPEAKER_01: Mm-hmm oh yeah absolutely so I um I practice uh internal family systems uh therapy so uh like the the brain uh you're not you don't just have like one brain it's your your your parts uh that's kind of how I see it so uh what you're as you're saying it made it it made a lot of sense to me I I was smiling because it's just it's a it's basically a a different language of saying the same thing.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_01: It's uh it it's so fascinating to me.
• 26:45
  SPEAKER_01: Um but yeah so I've I've ever well I didn't I haven't been doing it the past uh couple of mornings but what I will try to do is like whenever I first wake up in the morning I'll have a uh cup of coffee uh I'll sit down in my um you know like sit down in a like kind of a dark room uh cross my legs and take a sip and I like just try to feel like just try to be completely with my like completely with my body kind of do a scan and a check like is there anything you know I'll literally say like is there anything you want to say and if I I feel like some tightness in my shoulders or I'm like okay so what what's going on and it just to be like after you know like well I I'm feeling nervous because I have a couple of conversations today and I want to do really well and like I after having that little moment I kind of I can feel you know my shoulders less tense and I feel much better starting the day.
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_00: But to to do like it would you I I there is no way I would have been able to do that prior to uh practicing uh therapy no that's that's what that is the what I think is very sad is that there are so many many very good things for your brain and your body and your well being some of these things are thousands of years old but they're not taught at school they're not taught in the medical establishment they're not taught in in well any therapy or whatever it's like there are things which practices which people have been going on for years but that they they don't want you to use them because they well they basically create make prisoners out of us out of this prison planet and it's like they want you to be unhealthy and unhappy because that gives them energy so they're not gonna share these things.
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_00: I'm very convinced that I know about these things because up till this very day even up this very second there are people who make huge inventions that that can cure cancer or heart disease or or make you deal with fear or whatever and they're really good thing but it's like these people are well in the worst case they're being killed yes that is what is happening that's why yeah when I just explained to you that we have three brains I'm like why don't you tell me at school yeah my life would have been totally different I tell you well I asked that and I this is just one of those kind of hypotheticals do you think it would have been different or uh you know like once you got home the dynamics of your home were such that I I don't know if you would have been able to apply that lesson you know well probably secretly in my room but but the yeah but the wish I wish my father would have known yeah I wish my mother would have known because they also didn't know it's it's not that they were uh uh non very unkind people no they were struggling in their own lives as well but they had zero idea about that yeah but right that's the same like me because nobody told them so how can I expect that they react like that and they didn't know exactly you you can't teach something that you've never been taught yourself.
• 30:24
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly exactly how did oh I just uh out of my own curiosity um were you how how were you able to kind of like reconcile your uh relationship uh with with your dad uh kind of you know like the yeah there was a lot of pain that you went through and at the same time he also didn't know any better kind of like did you did you have a tough time with those two kind of conflicting thoughts yes absolutely but it's like especially when you're a child you're not in a position to to change your parent yeah or or to to it's like hey dad why why don't you go to this training I think it's good for you like that well I wouldn't be able to do that it's uh it it's like it doesn't work like this so you you just gotta accept and and uh and and what I accept is that and I'm I'm totally convinced that my father had the best of intentions he wanted the best for us and and for himself because he wanted high status and the status would also mean that his children would be performing well so but still he was not not he well he was a bit narcissistic but it it was not that he didn't want the best for us and he did the best you so and well but for me one of the main things in my life is when I I got out of the house and I started moving to the city in which I went to university and I was like wow yeah just just yeah I got my own room in another city and only well mostly twice a week I went home again to do my laundry and and and and and and and talk with him and then move again back and and but for me it was like oh this is so great yeah what was uh so whenever I had that first taste of freedom I I was kind of like you I was like oh my oh my god it's like a brand new world and I definitely ran in the exact opposite direction doing things that I had no business doing it took me a it took me a long time to grow up yeah well it is like well when you go studying the the system in the Netherlands is a bit different than the US but it's like my my father still paid for everything so it was like I still had to make sure I get good grades and everything else yeah uh I was working part-time almost 20 hours a week as a hockey trainer so it's uh I still I still applied all these things but not having every day that pressure on you would was so so nice uh you said that your dad was uh was kind of status driven uh were you uh status driven whenever you kind of like first came into your own zone not at all what what because I I saw the things well basically about my father that I would develop the opposite like he was and and I was seeing like even though in and he he well he he wanted to become a general in the army and he didn't and he was frustrated about that and then he moved which which is totally admirable because in his spare time he studied law at the university and then he became a judge and and but and then he was like well at some point in time he he got a position in well even it became the Department of Justice he got a position where he was at the same level as a general and he was like see I'm at the same level of a general now yeah so it's like yeah but are you happy?
• 34:16
  SPEAKER_00: Are you healthy?
• 34:18
  SPEAKER_00: Are you enjoying yourself?
• 34:20
  SPEAKER_00: Well totally not my my father died at 68 of cancer so it's like it I saw that this driven by always like going for that status well it killed him well not any reason but a couple of other things but it's like I'm I'm pretty sure it killed him so I'm like I don't I don't give a shit about status because I I've seen it every day in in my life is like this this is not the the way to go just like that's why I I I have had many many leadership positions senior leadership positions in the corporate world but I had the coaching style and coaching is the opposite of an authoritarian style it's the complete opposite okay can you speak a little bit on that?
• 35:15
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah yeah please uh please speak a little bit on that military and and your father and everything else is like it's command and control.
• 35:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah it's like I tell you what to do and then I will check whether you did it and if you didn't do exactly like I told you you got a problem that is not only in the military and the fireware and and the police and that's how most corporations are still run to this very day.
• 35:46
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah so what does coaching do?
• 35:51
  SPEAKER_00: And if you well most people pretend to be fine with it but they are not but it's like if you do exactly what they tell you to do and you meet the thing you are okay.
• 36:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah and I'm intentionally using the word okay it's not like you're super or or you're you're fantastic whatever my father never in his life gave me a compliment never so that's the command and control and authority is like yeah I'm always right and if I'm not right see rule one.
• 36:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah so it's like yeah that's that's how it is and again it's like that's how still many many managers and leaders in big companies are.
• 36:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I decided it's like I don't like that because hey I got my own ideas I got my own suggestions there's more than I can do hey by the way you tell me to do it like this but I think if we do it like this it would be much better.
• 36:46
  SPEAKER_00: But you're afraid to say it and they're not interested even you so it's like so that's why I developed this coaching style when I I I very soon get management responsibility so people reporting to me it's like I get this coaching style.
• 37:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's like hey what are you ready?
• 37:03
  SPEAKER_00: What are you good at?
• 37:05
  SPEAKER_00: What do you love to do?
• 37:07
  SPEAKER_00: So that came very natural to me so that ended up then when in beginning of my 30s I managed 6,000 people.
• 37:15
  SPEAKER_00: So it's like this total different approach yeah and and it was my coaching style which brought me the success it's and it's it's very funny that uh your coaching style direct opposite of of the dad model i you you were right yeah it's it's like well I think in essentially there there are two main roads is one you become exactly the same or worse than your father or you do like me you become kind of the opposite what do you think the difference is how what one do some people do worse and some people do better I think most people will will become the same yeah well you you have your internal family system but it's like intergenerational thing you repeat the same mistakes over and over and over again and even like well there are there are many cases of people who were physically abused you know beaten up and and everything like that.
• 38:24
  SPEAKER_00: And then what they end up is when they get children of themselves they do the same it's really really yeah it's like you you just copy the program because that's the only program you know so you cannot even blame the people because that's what they saw as an example day in day out to deviate from that it takes hard work it takes effort it takes you're being lonely because nobody will support you.
• 38:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's like it it's it's like it's literally following your own path and carving out your own path that is challenging and most people prefer not to put in that time and effort and they're like well I'll just do what I'm used to doing.
• 39:17
  SPEAKER_00: Let me give a a more positive experience than being beaten up the I'm now moving to my fourth country in which I'm living I'm 67 Most people think I'm totally crazy.
• 39:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's like like Arnold why are you doing it?
• 39:39
  SPEAKER_00: Why are you moving to to another country why why are you doing all of this stuff whatever but it's like this is one of the most liberating experiences I had in my life so it's like but it is not easy is but it it's like you you gotta do that but most people prefer to stay in their own world in in what they know and the language they speak and and the food they eat and and everything like oh I'm not gonna do that.
• 40:06
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm like I'm constantly challenging myself I'm curious I want to live in other cultures in other countries and have that experience that the majority of people think like I would never do that.
• 40:21
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah so if people want to uh if if people want to uh utilize you as a coach how how can they find you well there are there are a couple of ways uh obviously uh they can find me on LinkedIn Arnold Bakers um but I I got two ways I I got a website called brainatletes.club so brain and then athletes is plural it's one word brainathletes.club where I explain about my philosophy and and what I'm doing and we just recently uh opened a a a community on school.com school is with skool dot com slash okay brain dash fitness dash seventy seventy so 7070 so school.com slash brain dash fitness dash 7070 that's a few community I have there a lot of my interviews I have books I've written and we have a couple of master classes about dealing with your emotions dealing with with your finding out what your uniqueness is dealing with aging so all of these they're free you can sign up to become a member of that free class and of course if you still enjoy it you can sign up for my trainings and everything else but the basis is is free on theschool.com okay uh Arnold this has been absolutely fascinating man thank you so much for acting out with me well I uh I love to be uh here and uh I I love your approach so uh uh thank you very much