Latest / Pete Vs Anxiety!!!!! / Rise of The Phoenix!!!
Transcript
- peter: Show ⁓ to the Exciting Baselto Peak First Exciting. My guest today is the one, the only, the Phoenix. Phoenix, welcome in. How you doing? I'm doing all right, and yourself? Doing good. So why don't you tell everybody a little bit about yourself. So my name is Phoenix. I am ⁓ a mom of two wonderful boys. I am a partner of an amazing man, and I am a university student pursuing two degrees. because one just felt too easy. I'm also a spoken word poet. I've been doing that since I was about 12 years old. I'm also a creator on TikTok. I go on there and I share my story and my poems for people to enjoy and to get to know and in the hopes to help somebody because I know what it feels like to feel alone. Okay. Well, let's get into your story here. Okay. So I know a little bit from what you told me, so let's get into this thing. For sure. Um, well, before I start, I will just, um, kind of say that I'm not sharing this to shock anyone. I am sharing the story because silence nearly killed me. Um, silence can be deafening sometimes and swallow you whole. It was being honest with not only, not only everybody else, but really honesty with myself that saved me in the end. I'm healing. My story does not have a bow or a happy ending or... you know, a storyline, all I have is the truth and that's kind of all I got. I'm there with you though. My story is a shit show, so trust me. You've heard most of it the other day, so, you know, but yeah, anyways, you know, let's get into this thing. So I'm curious now, so. People often describe me as a guarded person, strong. I dislike that word so much. I dislike the word strong. I dislike when people call me strong because in my opinion, I don't feel like I'm strong. I feel like I just, did what I could and I survived. You know what I mean? I adapted to my surroundings. I adapted to how to build life and how to go through life, going through the things that I did, which... You know, I'm sure I'll hear I'm strong a lot after I share my whole story. One of the earliest moments I can remember that kind of was a pivotal moment in my life and kind of took a normal life, a normal, a normal kid, a normal, my normalcy away was I was 10 years old and we were living in a very small town that did not have an ambulance or police or, you know, any of that stuff. The closest ambulance was probably about two hours away. ⁓ And I was 10 years old. I was at home alone with my eight year old sister and my mom. And I just remember hearing noises and not sure what I was hearing. So I, my 10 year old self got up and looked looking around and I've seen my mom. on the ground. Her eyes were rolling to the back of her head and she was gasping for air. At 10 years old, I didn't know what to do. I thought she was having an asthma attack. I ran to the bathroom to grab her inhaler. I was trying to put the inhaler in her mouth to, you know, get her breathing, get her back. I didn't know what was going on. At 10 years old, you don't, without already being kind of put into that and knowing that these types of things happen in life, I didn't know what to do. I was at home alone and I was 10 years old. And so I Ran downstairs, it was the middle of the night. I'm trying to find any adult I could. I was running into stores. I was running across the small town, just trying to do anything and everything I can to find an adult to help me. I called 911. I said, I don't know what's going on. This is what's happening. I need help. They said, okay, we're on our way. And it felt like an eternity. Yeah. Sitting there waiting for somebody. to come and help me and help my sister help our mom. She what happened was she had two major strokes. And it's crazy to me because I believe God works in mysterious ways. My mother was planning on getting in the bathtub 20 minutes before that started, before she had her strokes. 20 minutes. If those strokes would have hit 20 minutes later, she likely would have drowned in the bathtub. She's alive and well today. She is my inspiration for everything I do. She works a full-time job. She's... paralyzed on her right side and still has a very hard time communicating. But she is she just the definition of resilience. And I mean, so that kind of that was the pivotal moment in my life where I realized bad things happen to good people. And nothing you can do can stop something scary from happening. To this day. I love my mom to the moon and back. She is my everything. But sometimes I do often sit and I wonder like, where would we be right now if that didn't happen? What? What type of life would we be living? Would I still be the same person? Would we be living where we're living? You know what I mean? Yeah, a lot of what if, you know, like what if this would have happened kind of thing. Yeah. Yeah. And they wreck my brain. Yeah. It could be survivor's guilt. I remember we were discussing that a little bit before. Yeah. It could just be that, you know, and it's it's hard when it comes to that. You know what I mean? It's like you live in that moment of what if happened, you you replay that thought your head and it just drives you completely insane. And the when she She spent a lot of time in the hospital recovering a lot. And I remember walking into her hospital room at 10 years old. She didn't know who I was. She had no recollection of her own child. And that hit me so hard because I was like, but you're my mom. Like you're my mom. How do you not know who I am? Right. And at 10 years old, you don't understand what, what a stroke does to somebody's brain, how it removes memories and Changes you really all I understood was that my mom wasn't my mom and my mom didn't know who I was Yeah, it felt like being abandoned a little bit almost cuz you like well You don't know who I am because you're 10 years old you understand what amnesia is You know and and things like that too and the effects of all that stuff It's a lot of things going on like there were no adults around explaining this to you that I kind of find it strange Honestly, there it took probably a few weeks. ⁓ and then there was we had counselors coming in and and doctors and all these people trying to explain what it is, what happens. I was told that I have to be tested for strokes basically for life because it runs in the family. mean, my grandmother had an aneurysm. It's something that will forever scare me. I get a headache and I'm like, am I going to have a stroke? And that event was such a pivotal moment because it rewired my brain in such a way that fear and anxiety became such a consuming part of my life. I could not sleep. Even still now to this day, sometimes I lay awake at wondering, lay awake at night wondering what's gonna happen? Who's it gonna take next? Is my mom gonna fall down the stairs because she's paralyzed on her right side? Like just silly little things. The things we don't understand that with anxiety happens like that thought process of it just racing through your head a thousand miles an hour. Yeah, I get that completely because that's how it is for me. Like I start thinking of shit and I'll reinvent things in my head and then it'll just do exactly what you're doing. It'll just drive you fucking crazy some days. And most people are like, well, just go to bed. It's it's not that easy. Kind of hard to do. know, now, now, you know, ⁓ you know, with all the things like yesterday, I was pretty honest about a lot of things, too. You know, and it's just like. I get it completely. That's the first thing came to mind is that you're gonna thought of like, what if, you know, and it happens for anything. And then, you know, then people treat you differently after certain situations like that too, you know. And then you gotta worry about what it's gonna happen if you go somewhere and the kids are by left foot, you know, your other half. And it's like, oh God, how's he gonna, you know, I get where it goes. Yeah, it's so hard. And I mean, that moment was where my nervous system was rewired. went from being a normal child who played and laughed and was crazy and you know all these things to my nervous system being completely rewired and learning lessons that I never forgot. I was changed without a warning and it was that moment changed it from being a carefree, playful kid to always watching, always listening, always being prepared for the worst thing to happen. My hypervigilance was born, my anxiety. I learned to carry and deal with responsibilities that a child shouldn't have to. I grew up helping raise my younger sister because my mom was in the hospital. My stepdad was, you know, dressed and helping my mom and getting us to school and feeding us. you know, so I tried to take some of that weight off by helping care for my little sister, helping her to learn and all this stuff. And that's something that's hard for a kid. Yeah, because you're a kid, you're not supposed to be an adult at 10 years old, you know. That's later on, but you're trying to do what you had to do in the moment. It's a lot of stress for people at that point because you're having to do all these extra tasks that normal kids don't have to do because mom's sick or stepdad's stressed out and things like that. You're trying to take care of your little sister because he's so focused on that. I mean, I get it. It's horrible. really is. No 10-year-old should ever have to do that kind of shit because it makes no sense. So, know, in the anxiety I get, it had to be like a grippingly bad for you though. Like, do you get like panic attacks too at some points too? Those are fun as well. You know what I'm saying? That like raising moment, your heart starts racing. It's like you had a shot of adrenaline just go in and it just starts going. You feel it come in and it's a horrible moment. 100%. I take, I have an EpiPen because I'm allergic to bees. And so the best way I can describe a panic attack is like when you... have an injection of an EpiPen with that. That was a simulated heart attack almost too for most people. like, you know, for me, I go into a state of panic. I'll just like, I'll just like tell me, I'll tell people, me the fuck alone. Is somebody be bothered? And like people just tell you, oh, calm down. Just let me go. Most faces just let me melt down. You don't understand. Like I need to feel this and I need to go through it in order to move past it. Right. Yeah. You most people don't get that though. Except for one person I know, it works with me. He did. He was just watching me melt down. He's just standing there. I'm having a complete meltdown session. And I'm nowhere to be seen or anywhere else, know? And it happened a few weeks ago when I had a PTSD moment. That shit was fucking rough. I was in the, I was, you could watch the camera, see the box, nudge me, and I just go completely berserk for no reason. I'm like, and I'm just flipping out and somebody else looks in there and goes, Hey, are you okay? And there's a, so I'm just going to leave you in there and do what you're doing because you might as well just let me go. I'm already off the edge. Just let me ride because I'm going for it. And sometimes there's nothing that can pull you back from that. You just have to go through it. Yeah. And that's the hardest part for people understand. It's like, you know, when you, when you get in those moments, I was on this panel with some people and let me tell you that none of these people said the one exact thing it should do is just ask somebody how you can help them. I had a licensed person point to me on the panel, go, I'm going, I agree with him. It's like, how did none of you all say that one thing that matters the most, like ask somebody what to do in this moment. But you had all these other great answers, but that one thing that makes the most difference. It's like ask them in the moment what that you can do for that person. Cause sometimes you're just going to to you can't help them exactly what they need or how can I better help this situation? It's crazy. Like you have to teach people these things. But at the same time, people get into those moments where things start panicking, they start freaking the hell out. So then it's like, they start panicking and that just makes the situation worse. So trauma, trauma doesn't just disappear when you grow up. It waits idly for the next thing to happen. It reshapes itself. It finds a new place to fester and grow. ⁓ And as I got older, I found myself in multiple. domestic violence situations. And I want to be very clear, I did not choose the violence. I did not choose to be in those situations. I chose these people because a wolf looks the same in sheep clothing, you know? And really, my trauma chose familiarity. ⁓ You know, it was used to that type of thing. It chose... what it recognized. And I learned how to soften my voice, how to shrink myself to survive, how to become less than. I learned that love meant endurance and safety was conditional. I felt that leaving was more dangerous than staying. That's the biggest thing. When you are preparing and trying to leave a domestic violence situation, that is the most dangerous time. And I... can 100 % agree to that because I nearly died multiple times. I was in a relationship that I met this guy at a party and I was like just infatuated with him or the idea of him. And I was so blinded and so young and I ran off with him. I moved in with him within like a week of us dating and it was all over from there. It was, that was it, you know, once I moved in, there was no escape. He, he got me addicted to drugs to keep me addicted to him. Yeah. It didn't matter if he beat me because I was getting a fix. Yeah. And it, you know, it, got to the point where my own brother, my flesh and blood came to that house because my parents were like, We can't find her. We don't see her. We don't talk to her. We don't know where she is. None of my friends knew where I was. I had isolated myself so much that the only person I had in life was him. I didn't have a phone. I wasn't allowed to. It was bad. It was bad. And so my brother came to that house and I didn't let him in. He kicked down my front door, came into the house, grabbed a coffee cup and hit this man upside the head with it. and said, let's go, you're leaving. In my messed up brain and my loyalty to this man who was such a piece of shit, I called the cops on my brother and I got my brother put in jail. And when I tried to call and tell them, no, I don't want to press charges, like don't arrest him, they said, sorry, it is now the police's discretion, so we are charging your brother. So my brother went to jail and served time because of me. And that is something that I still struggle with today that I did that to him. But at the same time, you weren't in any state of mind to make any rational decisions. He had you hooked on drugs and anything else. And it wasn't so much you isolated. He isolated you too, because that's what narcissists do. They get you in that control. And he had every control of you. No phone. They cut off your communication with people. So who are you going to call? can't call anybody. He's got you completely hooked in. So it wasn't only your choice to isolate. He isolated you by choice because he knew he could keep control of you that way. Yeah. ⁓ And I mean, I was in many, many relationships that were like this, that were toxic and dangerous and just bad. And I won't get into all of them because there was a lot, but that one was, that one was the worst one. And I can't even describe the amount of broken body parts, the magic of makeup and how I got so crafty with makeup and covering things. And that's not to make it sound glamorous. That's to make it like, I should have never had to do that. And I did. And I learned to do those things because of the relationship I was in. And because in my already traumatized brain, I thought that was normal. That was my first serious relationship. And I thought that was normal. Yeah, because you you know, like you said, you went to familiarity. It's a pattern. And one of those things, it's hard to break because you always go to the same thing that you're familiar with because people always ask why you pick the same similar partners. It's just because that's the pattern. Now, breaking the pattern is hard, obviously, but you know, you did it. You're, you're in a better place now. 100%. But that left me with PTSD and anxiety and depression and flashbacks. I used to get such severe PTSD episodes that my body would literally shut down. Like my current partner could tell you the horror stories of how he thought he was going to lose me because I would smell a scent. Anything would put me into an episode and my body would just stop. I would stop breathing. I would pass out and hit the floor. would shake. would convulse. And it was a PTSD episode and flashback and like there there was times where I had to have CPR done on me because of these flashbacks. Yeah, no. It was it was bad. Yeah. ⁓ I believe it. Trust me. I experienced a PTSD moment. Let me tell you. Not one of that again. That sucked. And it was just a phone call that did it. wasn't anything else. It was just the sound of their voice alone just sent me into a complete spiral. You know, my friend was at least to listen to me because I was on that edge again. I was like teetering really bad because it just like I didn't realize what happened. Like after the phone call, it was OK. But then all of sudden, it just washed over you like just this complete thing is just complete terror of something was just driving. I was struggling to make it through a few days because I was just like it was so hard, you know. But then, luckily I had somebody to listen to everything was going on. I called this woman at like two o'clock in the morning, bawling my eyes out because I was just like, wasn't sure what the hell was going on. Because I was just so shaken with fear just because after that call, it's when it happened, it just washed over me. And I mean, it's your mind locks those memories away. So your mind knows that you're safe, but your body doesn't believe it because your body remembers the trauma. Exactly. Whether your brain locks it away or not, your body is wired to remember everything. And that was the biggest thing for me. Like I knew I was safe. I knew I was with people who loved me. But a certain scent and I, my body was like panic, tighten up, everything's back. You're, you're in danger. You're in danger. You're in danger. And you weren't right. So it's, it pulls you back to a moment that no longer exists, but still feels just as real. And that's the hardest thing about PTSD. Yeah. I believe it. Trust me. I experienced it for you days. I, I, I more power to you because I couldn't do it for that was fuck me up bad. Yeah. It's a, and I mean, The thing you have to remember too is my PTSD didn't come into effect until I was sober. I became addicted with this man and I continued my addiction because I couldn't feel. I couldn't deal with the events of my life. I had to be numb. I literally had to be or I would not be here. But then addiction stole so many fucking years of my life. So many. It stole friends, it stole family members, it stole, it made me lie and cheat and steal and just horrible things to the people I love. And it made me disappear. It made me run away because it was easier to run than to stand and face the truth. And the drugs numbed the flashbacks, it quieted the anxiety, it blurred the memories. So I didn't have to feel like it, feel anything. That first I used them without anybody forcing me or like asking me to. It felt like a relief. Like I finally had control over something in my life. Like I was breathing for the first time after all of these instances had happened, but it didn't erase it. It postponed it. And when I finally got sober, everything came back tenfold. I felt everything 10 times harder than I did back then. because I had locked it away for so long that when I was finally actually able to feel it, it was like I was being hit with a semi. And I mean, I was an addict for so many years. Years I don't remember clearly, years I can never get back. My family can never get back. Years I don't really even know what I did. Like sometimes I have people come up to me and say, well, do you remember when you did this to me? No, I don't. But I am very sorry that I did and I truly believe that I did do it and I'm sorry. You know what I mean? Yeah. I had become somebody that I didn't recognize. Somebody I didn't like. Somebody who hurt people and that is not who I am. If you know me today, you know that I care so deeply about so many people. Even strangers, like I don't even have to know you. I care so deeply. And addiction made me an angry, angry, mean person. who was vindictive and didn't care about anybody. And that's not who I am. That's not who I've ever been. And this part matters to say out loud. During my addiction, I hurt people I loved. I broke trust. I disappeared emotionally. And I chose substance over honesty, over connection, over my responsibilities. Those are people who loved me deeply, my parents, my sister, my brothers. And they were grieving somebody who was still alive. because they didn't know what they were going to wake up to. They didn't know if they were going to get that knock on the door at 4 a.m. or if they were going to see my face on the news asking to identify me. The guilt of that and waking up to that damage is almost heavier than the addiction itself. But at some point, something within me shifted. It changed my mindset. I don't really know what it was, but something changed. And I realized that I wasn't numbing the pain anymore. I was becoming it. I was becoming the pain. was becoming an angry person because of the pain, because the numbing wasn't working anymore. And I was constantly just trying to chase that first fix, that first feeling that you will never get. ⁓ It doesn't matter what. And I wasn't surviving. I was erasing myself as a person. was destroying every aspect of who I am as a person, as a poet, as a family member, as a... ⁓ human being myself, I was destroying that with addiction. But today, I have been clean and sober for seven years. There you go. That's I love it. I love it. Almost coming up on eight. I love it. It's awesome. I love it. That's great. That's so great. I got a friend, he just celebrated 570 days clean the other day. now, you know, tag me that kind of shit. I like to hype that up. I love it. I love when I see that kind of shit because it's like people don't understand. how hard it is to break addictions of any sort of all that shit because, and then it's the after effects of, how do people look at you though after that? Do they kind of give you a lot of hell about it saying, ⁓ well, she's gonna go back to the way she was kind of thing at first. You get a deal with all that and people don't realize that's not helpful. It's like, or you relapse and then people give you hell about it. It's like, well, it's gonna happen. They're battling an addiction, it's hard. But I think I seven years, yes, I've been clean and sober for seven years, but I've... It's also been seven years of feeling everything I buried. Seven years of facing memories I tried to bury deep, deep down. Seven years of rebuilding trust with others, but mostly with myself. Sobriety, it didn't fix me. It exposed me. It put me on the front page, blasted, forced me to sit with my PTSD, my anxiety, my depression, my trauma without anesthesia. And some relationships healed, some didn't. Some I lost. some of those people during our addiction. I literally watched them die. And I had to learn that forgiveness, especially self-forgiveness is a process, not a guarantee. It's hard. And I mean, even still to this day, I struggle with self-forgiveness. I hold myself personally hostage in a prison cell that I've built for myself for the things that I've done to people. Because there's, I have lost. I have lost friends to addiction that I brought into the addiction. They were sober. We were sober friends. And then I started using and I brought them into using with me and they lost their lives. That is something I find so hard to forgive myself for. Did I force them to do it? No. Did I, you know, force the smoke in their mouth or a needle in their arm or whatever? No, I did not. But I influenced it and they lost their lives because of it. Yeah, that's heavy. But you have to remember though, it's not your fault that they chose to do it though. mean, at the end of the day, yes, you introduce them to it, but they are still people at end of the day that decide to do these things. And you're carrying the guilt of something that someone else chose to do, you know, but you weren't even in the right state of mind. had to keep that in mind too, you know. And I get it though. I understand that you feel responsible for what happened to these people, but it's not your fault that they, that's what happened to them. You know, and things like that, too. I mean, you just have to remember that though, at the end of the day. And I know it's hard because, you know, forgiving yourself for these things, it's tough. It really is. I know I went through a self reflection period. I don't like myself already. So I'm there with you. I hear you though. It's hard. I had a lot of things that happened for me. Like when I was drinking really bad, I was going online. I was verbally abusing people that were just trying to be my friend. I was I was a fucking asshole. Like I was bad. I don't remember. It's easier to put up walls than to let people in. Exactly. Exactly. That's why I tell a lot of people about half the things I struggle with all the other times while recording this show early on, because I just didn't feel like a lot of people would understand what the hell's going on. And most of them didn't. When you start talking to half of them what I talk about all day, they all look at you weird, like, oh, OK. And they don't want to get in that conversation because they're so scared to talk about their feelings or anything else or talk about the subjects of suicide and all these other topics that come up in those areas, know, sexual assault and anything that falls in these kind of categories of things that we talk about in this show. A lot of people just look at you and go, okay, and they don't know what to say because they're not ready to talk about it or they may be experienced it and they don't want to talk about it. And the shame of it just hasn't been like, well, I don't want to talk about that right now. It's a tough conversation. It is really is, you know, you ever try to tell you something like my parents don't even know I struggled every day with trying to try not to kill myself. They didn't know. They don't even know how they don't even know. They're going to find out pretty quick. I was told by somebody I should probably tell them ahead of time for they find out on the show, but I'm kind of like, Well, somebody's gonna find out, tell them about the Simptoint at this point. So fucking might as well just ride the wave when it comes up as a subject. I'll discuss it because it's still not an easy conversation to have. How do you go tell somebody that you were thinking about taking a bottle of pills and just keep going until you don't wake up? mean. Let alone, let alone a parent. was a really big one for me. mean, I, growing up, I struggled very heavily with anorexia, malemia, depression and anxiety. And I remember one time I had cut myself and I had walked into my parents' room and I said, help me. I don't know what to do anymore. And my stepdad stopped in his tracks and said, I don't know how to help you, but I know who to reach out to on how to help. And he made the phone call to 911. That's good. And I mean, it didn't stop there. I put my family through so fucking much. I came home. from school one day after spending time in a psych ward. And I was being bullied so mercilessly in school. was being followed home on the bus to get beat up like bad. And on this specific day, I was punched in the face outside of school. I went to my driver's ed class and I had people waiting, a whole group of people of women waiting for me to finish that class so they could beat me up. I ran, I got on the bus and I got home. They followed me home and just called me every name in the book. I did nothing to these people. was, I did nothing but like a guy that some other girl liked. And I went into my basement and I chugged bleach and I cut my wrists and I just laid there, beside my dog, feeling everything escape, feeling myself fading away. Everything started going black and starry. And all of a sudden I hear my oldest brother screaming. stay awake, stay awake. feel I, it was almost like I was outside of my body staring down at him helping me. he was like trying to grab my arms and cover things. And he, he's like, I don't fucking know what to do. He picked me up out of my bed. Keep in mind my dog is a pit bull, was a pit bull. She was scared. She did not want anybody coming near me. He picked me up, took me upstairs and laid me down on the couch while screaming to my stepdad, come on. She needs help. She needs help. The operator was on the phone and my brother said that the operator asked him to tell her how I was breathing by saying now, now every time she would breathe, right? So the way that my breathing was, was it was like now, now I was literally almost dead and the paramedics came. My people would not let them come to me. They would not let them come near me. So my brother had to take my dog and put it in the kennel. Ambulance took me as the ambulance is taking me. My little sister is walking home from school She said that all she seen that day was my arm fall off the gurney and she thought I was dead and Just knowing that I put my siblings through that trauma Like to this day my brother still talks about how much that fucked him up emotionally. Yeah And just knowing that I did that to them sucks so I do everything that I can all the time to make sure that they know that I'm here, that I'm okay, that I'm healing, that I... You have to understand the situation where you're at at that point for you to get to that point where doing that. Nothing else mattered at that point. Like the state of mind that you were in. It's not your responsibility for what happened afterwards. Yes, I understand they found you and things like that, but they have to understand where your state of mind was. You're just like, fucking I'm done. I can't take this anymore. You know, for them to keep that moment, there was no saving me. It didn't matter if somebody came home and was trying to talk to me or whatever. Nothing would have saved me in that moment. Yeah. Other than being taken to a- My flashlight turned on. Other than being taken to like a psych ward and being locked up. Yeah, that's what mean. But even then, when I was in a psych ward, I- hated my life. I hated everything about it. I said, no, this sucks. I don't want to be here. I would rather be dead. Like if I'm being real, like, you know what I mean? Because you feel so crazy. Yeah. You know, but you're in that state of mind where it's just kind of like, you know, it just doesn't matter no matter what anyone says. But for them to keep reminding you of it, it's kind of fucked up in a way. It's just like, get they're fucked up about it, but they have to understand exactly what your state of mind was, is that you were just done with everything, you know, and it wasn't like you did it on purpose. Like, ⁓ I decided to go home today and try to kill myself. to fuck everybody up in my family. you know, it's like, yes, I get they're traumatized by it, but at the same time, they need to understand that your state of mind at that moment, it didn't fucking matter when anyone said you already were there, you took the bleach, you your ribs. I think it has become to that point where they understand now. they, you know, after talking to them and stuff, I think they understand where I was at and everything I was going through because back then they didn't know what I was going through. I was quiet and I would be happy at home. That's a lot of times I was dark. I was fighting with internally. Exactly. That's a silent battle. A lot of people battle with that. tell people a lot, you know, and things like that, too. So I've been there. I know what you're talking about and know what it's like. But you have that conversation with somebody to tell them, hey, listen, I'm thinking about killing myself today. Most people go straight into a fucking panic mode and just go, OK. And at the same day, I was told, well, it's the wrong time. I'm like, oh, really? I'm sorry. Let me fucking schedule this for you. So it works better for your fucking life. My bad. I'm sorry. These thoughts are right here right now. me tell you, let me go ahead and schedule on another fucking day where I don't feel like this moment, you know? And she was like, know, and it was like, know, it was like a heat of the moment. You're like, you think it was PTSD, you like that Santa moment. It was that moment we started arguing, you know, and like I was talking to yesterday, you know, I was arguing. and it just intensified everything right there. And it was just like those thoughts just came washing over. And for me to tell you that, and then for you to tell me that and then say, well, you know, next time make me the 13 threes one, because you wanted to scare me. What the like, what the fuck kind of state of mind puts you in that they think that's OK, you know, like how fucking deranged you have to be. There's also me, oh, no, hold reskeleton your thoughts for another fucking day. Don't worry about it. It doesn't fit in my schedule today. 100%. You know what saying? I get you 100%. I understand exactly what moment you're at. I was there four months ago. The plan was already set in place, but then something stopped me because I was literally seconds from doing it too. I was just that upset about it because it's like, how could you tell me that you love me, but at the same fucking time you come and tell me, oh, well, this is not fitting into my schedule right now. Or you pick this moment to talk about it. Well, I'm telling you about it because this is a feeling I'm having right now. And for you to sit there and tell me, make me the 13th reason why next time it's like, well, fuck you then. I'm fine. See you later. I'll prove you then, bye. So, you know, when you met your husband though, was it a little difficult in the beginning? It had to be in beginning for him not to understand everything you've gone through. Were you open about your trauma situations and all these things that you went through before? was it, did it take you a little time to open up to him? So I was pretty open with him from the beginning. I straight up told him, listen, I'm not a sexual person and here's why. Okay. Like, he waited, I think it was like seven or eight months before we did anything other than kiss. That's a real one right there. Just the fact that he sat there and in respect to your boundaries, means that was, that's great. That's awesome. The first month of our relationship was long distance because I had just moved to Ontario. that right there just showed me that he was not like the rest of them, that he was different. So yes, I was very, very honest and clear with him from the beginning about everything I had went through. And I mean, obviously like the more that we... The more years that have passed, been together for almost eight years in August. The more time that went on, like he still learns new things about me. I'm sure when he watches this podcast, he's going to learn new things about me. You know what I mean? Like, just got you something new today. Yeah, pretty much. I'm like, you what? You went through that? Like, you know, I mean, one of the, one of the biggest things I was very honest with him about was my sexual assaults because it wasn't just one time. was multiple times. It was hard to talk about too because you know a lot of people feel embarrassed about it because they blame themselves. know somebody recently I met said it was you know it wasn't my... you try to blame themselves and I was like no don't blame yourself for that. That's not your fault. You didn't choose what this this monster chose to do to you kind of thing. A lot of them I'm kind of just like... it happened. What can I do about it now? I hate myself for it but what can I do about it? Move on you know. The one, the one that changed my life. I was, it was, it was bad. I was at a party and I met somebody and I was like, ⁓ cool. Like whatever, right? And yet one thing led to another and it was hell from there. I mean, when I was with that, that abusive relationship that I talked about in the beginning, that one, was rarely consensual. mean, Basically, I was his and my body was his for the taking. There was no, you don't get to say no today, fuck you. ⁓ I was mutilated. I have scars because if I said no, and I tried to push him off, it resulted in a knife being pulled out. I literally to this day, I find it hard to want to be sexual at all in general. I can see that. With my partner and it took a very long time for me to be comfortable enough. to even let him see me because I'm mutilated, because I was cut up, because I have scars, you know? And that's something that really fucks me up. mean, even looking at myself and seeing those scars, it's something that really, really, really fucks me up. And being assaulted is it changed the way I trusted. It changed the way I saw myself. It changed the way I existed in my own body. Addiction blurred my boundaries. And trauma stole my sense of safety. And you know, I tell people sometimes that there are certain things that I will never feel from no matter how hard I work on them. I will never. heal from them and I will never say that I'm healed for them from them or that I accept them and that is a very big one because I have the scars for life. There will never be any getting rid of it any moving on for it from it because it's something that did I go through it? Yes. Does it fucking suck? Yes. Will I be able to move on from it? No. I still panic and look over my shoulder when I'm out in public to see if he's there because he fucked me up. so badly and and yeah it's that's something I will never heal from. I've been in abusive relationships and I have peeled from most of them but that one that one relationship I will never heal from. Yeah. It completely rewired everything about me. It rewired my sense of self really like I when I left that relationship the best way I can say it is I was a fucking puddle. on the ground and the only reason I left is because he beat me with a bat. A bat. I was beaten and the police came and my dumb ass got up to that door and I said everything's fine we're okay with my ribs broken but the police are not stupid and they seen right through it and I am so fucking grateful that they did and that they took me out of that situation whether I wanted to or not. Yeah yeah that's that's just that yeah. I mean to this day to this day my rib has never healed fully and still pops out and sticks out. So again, a forever reminder of that relationship that I will never heal from. My rib will never heal properly from that. So if my rib can't heal properly, how the fuck can I? Every time that rib pops out, it's a reminder of that relationship I was in. Yeah, but you're in a better place now though, to kind of remind yourself. 100%. You a partner that understands completely what you've been doing. Hats off to him. It had to be a rough ride for that poor guy. But he's still there. He's still there though. One of the biggest things I... I'm actually fucking shocked he's still here, man. And the reason for that being I relapsed when I was with him. I cheated and lied because of my addiction. And I got in so bad with drug dealers. that they were threatening to come and kill me. They had showed up to my house to come and kill me, but I was not there. I was gone because I owed them so much money. This man paid off my fucking debt with them so that they wouldn't come for me anymore and I could heal and recover. That in and itself is like what? I don't even think we were together for a year at that point. That's standup guy right there. mean, he understood. You know, the fact you cheated because you were dealing with your addiction at the same time. Oh, he's still there. mean, that's a stand up guy. I don't know how else he put that, but he really wanted to be with you, regardless of what happened. And hats off to him, man. From what I knew before this whole thing is you've always been real friendly to me, real nice. I loved your energy you give off and things like that too. You've always been friendly with me and things like that as well. I had no fucking clue until, like I said, I'm never really shocked in this show, but goddamn, let me tell you, that's number two of the craziest things I've ever heard story-wise on this show. just like, and it's not to say that I'm ranking, but I'm just like, no, that story's right up there, like some wild stuff I've heard, but you're here now, you're doing great things now, you have the kids, you can teach them what not to do, to do these other people, you know what saying? you you're just 100%. How many kids do you have? I have two boys. Okay, so you know, obviously then you can teach them how to better treat women better than like you got treated like, which is great because then, you know, they can go on and be better men in life than versus what you've been dealing with. You know what saying? I mean, I think a very, very important thing to remember is your children watch the type of relationships that you're in and how you're treated. Each four is like they're paying attention. My partner treats me amazing, right? He loves me, he cares about me, he checks in on me, he hugs me, he kisses me. My kids are seeing that. So my kids are going to know how to properly treat a woman. Exactly. Or a person in general. And I am still in my children, it doesn't matter if somebody looks different, sounds different, is different, you love them anyway. And I maybe instilled that too well with my child because now he's being bullied and picked on in school because he's overly caring and loving. It's gonna be what it's gonna be. you know, at least I know I did my part as a parent. My kids are good. Yeah. Yeah. But I mean, like I said, though, you know, you're in a better place now. mean, you know, the fact that you're here sharing that is just somebody's gonna hear it and gonna find that they kind of line up with the same thing, you know, and that's that's powerful itself, especially with everything you've gone through. And that's that's a hard story to tell people. Hey, I drank bleach and cut my wrist. Let me tell you, the conversation turns instantly wild because then you have people that treat you differently. No, you try to. suicide and you're almost there. You're almost babied. I was literally treated like a baby after that happened. I came home and was like everybody was walking on eggshells and it was it's like no like I want to come home to normalcy not not you scared to talk because you're scared of how I'm gonna react. But that speaks volumes that people that have never been in that situation don't understand that situation. It's a lot more takes a lot more than you realize to trigger people. Cause like those videos I've been watching lately on the internet, have you seen these videos where these people are like, if you take your life, you know, there'd be X amount of messages, all this dumb shit. ⁓ My thoughts, and I want your thoughts on this too, my thoughts were like, what the fuck are you posting this shit for? Cause right now, if I'm in that day in mind where I'm thinking I'm going to take myself, I'm going to go fucking commit suicide. Well, it's okay to go do it now because you just told me my life doesn't fucking matter. Everything else after that, it's going to get going without me, you know? And to me, it's just so fucking stupid. Like I hate these, I fucking cringe every time I see these fucking videos they just aggravate me even more and I asked the psychotherapist about it he said the same thing too. He's like, you know, once you're at that level where you were at and I was at, it don't fucking matter what you're saying to me. All that shit don't scare me at all. Like you're not scaring me anything. You're just basically giving me more fuel to tell me to go for the fucking thing. Hey, go for it. You know, it don't fucking matter. You know I'm saying? And it's just sickening. These people put these stupid videos out there and every time I see them, I fucking cringe. I'm like, can you just take that shit down? It's not fucking helpful. It's just It doesn't help anybody. No, it pushes you further because you know, like you're thinking about it. You're like, OK, well, my life don't fucking matter. Text messages are still going to come to fucking will still go on. You know what I'm saying? It's like, what the fuck is wrong with you guys? Like you think you're being helpful and you're not. Maybe, maybe it's helpful for a small percentage, but 90 % of us, I can tell you right now, it ain't fucking mattering to me. I don't care what you're saying to me. 100%. So I'm going to say this and then I'm going to read a poem. Hell yeah. I'm ready. I'm excited. I'll be ready for more questions. So. Healing for me hasn't been about forgetting. It's meant learning how to live well remembering, not being numb. It's been therapy, boundaries, rest, choosing peace over chaos most of the time. Most of the time I will say, because sometimes I choose chaos. Okay. Sometimes when a sergeant jumps your fire, it's okay. I'm still very guarded. I'm still a very guarded person, but now it's intentional. I choose who gets access to me. And that's a big thing. I choose softness. and grace. And if you're listening to any part of my story, and if it feels familiar, if you've survived the trauma, addiction, violence or loss, please hear me. You're not weak for how trauma shaped you. You're not broken for how you survived. And your worst moments do not cancel your worth. Healing is messy. Recovery is not linear. And sometimes just staying alive is an act of rebellion. I'm always here. I'm still learning. and I'm still healing, but I'm here, clean, sober, and alive. Yeah, love it. I absolutely love it. Now I will read this poem. So I will say that this poem is a rough one. It's about that relationship I was in, and it's titled Trigger. The smell of Axe body spray trigger. Timberland hiking boots trigger. A man's warm breath down my neck trigger. Triggers do not pick and choose who gets to pull them even when it is the man I love. His warm breath, bang. His Tim's, bang. The smell of his body sprayed, bang. Triggers always lead to something. Anxiety becomes the bullet in the chamber you loaded only now it is the people I love pulling the trigger unintentionally. Knock knock. Who's there? Love. Love who? How could I love you when you were the cause of all this pain and torture? You were the bullet in the chamber I never intended to load. You. That's who you are, not who he is. He is the safety around the trigger. Even if I can no longer tell bullet from trigger anymore, I hate how you played me. Always in control, pushing my buttons to follow your command like I was always your game boy. A puppet in your personal first shooter, cynical entertainment, 1,335 days. I was expendable, controlled. And the worst part is every time I died for those 1,335 days, I woke up to another heart barely stitched together. And even after I unplugged the console, you consumed me with missed phone calls, unknown name, unknown number, unknown name, unknown number, cell phone trigger. I didn't get far. In 35 days, when something repeats for that long, you almost get used to it. So I came back. Every hand raised, followed by a sorry, convinced me that you were genuine. So I stayed. Regarding each and every day spent with you, riddled with low self-esteem, bang, anxiety, bang, self-hatred, bang, all because I chose to stay. I seen the signs, they were all right in front of me. Abuse taught from a young age that it was wrong, that I should run the other direction if I ever came close to the signs. Although they were all there, I was always too dazed or drunk to notice or care. I became a junkie. With you I could get my fix for free and maybe that's why I stayed. Addiction not only killing the inside but also physically all because I loved you. I loved the pain. I loved the bullet. And now I can't tell who isn't one. Who is just a trigger but it doesn't matter because you made me a target. They called me a slut. and so much more for what I let you do to me. So I left. I hope the fragments of my heart in your bed cut you like my memories. I hope the chains you placed me in for 1,335 days choke you while you sleep and your nightmares are of all you stole from me. Funny thing about a bullet, it dies after the trigger is pulled. And I'd much rather feel his breath down my neck trigger than ever give you another thought after you shoot far away. Knock, knock. Who's there? Someone who is free from you. I obviously love it. That was awesome. That's great. I actually like to take that and use that on my Instagram and all other feeds and give you credit for it obviously so that people can see it too. Cause I think that's, I love it. I thought it was awesome. So we're at the part of the interview where I'm gonna ask you a fun question. Of course. I like to ask everybody the same question. Okay. So the question to you is if you're meant to hold out a song, what would that song be? It's always an interesting answer to these questions every time you ask me that one because you never know what you're going to get. Everybody in the comment section here is saying it was great. He says, I'm proud of you. I know Spunge had made a comment when you were talking about the makeup thing. She said, wild side note is that I started, that's how I started in any special thing. I've seen that. I've seen that and that is insane because you know what, Spunge, look at you now. Yeah, that's crazy. Spongebob even offered to come on the show, so that'll be a fun interview as well. I feel like that'll be really great. You know, I got to the point of using makeup so often to cover up bruises and marks that I fucking hate wearing makeup now. I hate it. You're about it. don't need it. wearing makeup. You're a beautiful young lady. You don't need to wear it. You're fine. You look great as you are. How it makes you feel is what you feel like. You know what mean? You shouldn't need makeup to identify you. Dee says the same thing. She said the same. So I think it's awesome. I think you're great. I loved all the interactions we've had. I appreciate you coming to share that because that's a tough story to share out for people like that, you know, and things like that too. And it takes a lot of strength to come on this show and do it because now the whole internet is going to see this thing and they're going to see, you know, what is you dealt with and all these other things. And you're going to inspire somebody. I'm sure I'll get an email here eventually. Somebody will say something like, I watched Phoenix's episode. Like I get emails every day about different episodes people watch and things like that too, you know, so. It's so awesome. If I can help one person and let them know that what they're going through, they're not alone in it, then that's all that matters. You will. You will. Somebody will hear you. I I got a little choked up a couple of times and I was feeling it, man. was like, you know, it's only three times I've ever cried on this show, honestly, like this, you know, and one of them was I got I started breaking down, bro. She was telling me a story and I was fucking dying over here. I was like, oh, yeah, I'm going. And it was hard. It was hard, you know, and then the second episode of this season, I broke down a little bit because we were talking about myself. Like the interview turned from talking about the person, she's talking about myself and we were talking about my inner child and it was, it was fucking hard. This show, I hear a lot of stories. I hear a lot of things and it's tough sometimes. One thing I can, I can for sure say, I, when I came onto TikTok and I met Snicks and Spun, well Snicks and I met Spunge later on, but Snicks and Riot and them. Pyro in general, I was in a very dark spot in my life and I can honestly say I would probably not be here if I did not have them to sit in discord with for hours on end. 100 % believe it after me and Nick's conversation between the two of us, I could see it. you know, the fact when he sat down and talked to me and we just chatted for that whole hour and we were just discussing shit, I could just already, I was already drawn to him already. And then when I came back, to TikTok after I took a break. Lo and behold, that's the first person I fucking saw was him. He was in there talking and I was like, look at this motherfucker right here. And it was just fate for us all to meet up again. I was just like, you know, because Nick and I, after we had that conversation, was always like, you know, kept, I just kept going forward and things like that. I've watched his show too. I've been watching Unboxed Thoughts. I've been trying to get through a lot of it during my free time and things like that too, because I was always interested to know more and things like that for him to put himself out there. And I was like, you know, I was like, this is good, man. And then like when we linked up, It was really great. you know, I mean, it was awesome though. But, you know, I loved it. He's great. He really is. Hats off to him and Bunch for what they've created. Like I said, I think it's great. Like I said, you just get drawn to his personality because he's so inviting to you. But the fact that he's so powerful with his words when he tells you that he cares about everybody, he really does. He's not like he's telling you some bullshit story. He's not selling you some shit and then leaving you hanging there with your dick in your hand, basically, essentially. 100%. So let me ask you the main question and the reason I started this whole podcast is if you could break the stigma about mental health. Now this falls into anything that you hear that pisses you the fuck off. What would you say it be? that men can't cry. Yeah, I agree. That one pisses me right off. And I've had my brothers tell my son, real men don't cry, boys don't cry. Like that, it pisses me off to no end. Yeah, that shit pisses me off. That shit fucking aggravates me because it's like that's the shit that's killing us at 80 % of us, you know. And that's a scary statistic. Like I was talking to those guys yesterday, the three of us having a conversation about the subject of mental health alone. means that we're beating the statistic right there because these two guys, were 20. The one guy knows 21. I think the other guy's about the same age range he was, you know, for the two of them to have an open conversation with me about the whole thing. We're already winning the battle right there because men are more likely to commit suicide versus women that talk more about it and don't succeed as much. Not to say that either side is not important, but it's just this stupid fucking rhetoric of, oh, what a real man looks like. It's so fucking dumb because me and that person had an hour long conversation about negative self-talk and that was one of the subjects I got into. I just don't get this whole fucking tier system. It's like if you're the alpha male, why can't you talk about everything? If you're alpha to me means that you can do everything, but it's not. Exactly. It's a toxic thought process because we have the tower system versus females who like to, who had the more like the kind of group kind of gathering type thing. You all kind of gravitate together and stick together. You know, it's like we'd like to make jokes about y'all are pack animals, but you know, it makes sense though, because you all look out for each other versus us. We're just trying to out fucking do each other because we want to see who the who the bigger dickhead can be in the situation. Yeah, exactly. So anybody have any questions? In anybody knows, it's the first show of the first episode done where I have an actually chat section off here on the side. A lot of the family are here. Does anybody have any questions they'd like to ask before we start wrapping this thing up? But no, that pisses me off that I fucking can't stand that shit, you know? And that was the thing that aggravates me also when people fucking say that shit, it's just ugh. I know. That's a good feeling. We all have feelings, why can't we fucking discuss these things, you know? It's fucking- We were all given the same feelings, so why can't we talk about them? Yeah, you know, and there's a couple of you I met are trying to change that whole thing. There was a girl I met, she does a book called No More Monsters Under the Bed. It helps kids emotionally regulate at a young age. I met her a few episodes before this recording. She and I had a discussion. And she sent me a copy of the book, signed everything, which is the greatest part of this fucking, I love this podcast for every reason. I get a lot of really cool shit sent to me. Signed it and everything, had to sign a card for me, signed the book itself. It was phenomenal. It was so cool, but it's a kid's book. So she's starting a whole series of kids books to help kids, you know, deal with certain issues and things like that, but breaks it down into a kid book for people to understand. you know, and it also helps the parents too. So I'll have to show it to you here in a second when I can pull it out. I'll pull it out and show it to you. But does anybody have any questions or anything you'd to ask her? I'm waiting on your comments. Okay. We're watching. Everybody's good. Okay. Well, we're to wrap up this episode of Pete versus anxiety. Phoenix, would you like to tell me where they can find you on TikTok? Of course. We need to know where everybody can go find you. My, uh, my at username on TikTok is phoenix of the ashes. I am also on YouTube under the name spoken. I love it. For my poetry. Awesome. Awesome. We'll make sure we'll tag it. And if you want, can collaborate our YouTube channels. This interview could show up when it pops up if you like. It's up to you now if you want this to be out there. we can figure all that out later, guys. With that being said, we're gonna wrap up this episode of Peteford's Anxiety, guys. You know where to find me? I'm Peteford Anxiety on Spotify, all the way down to Pandora Radio. Yes, I'm everywhere. I'm on XLVN on the TikTok. And as I always say, costs nothing else. I know to be kind to somebody, one kind act you could do could save some life or hell, you can make their day. I'm Peteford Anxiety signing off saying, don't ask your day yesterday. Say, hey, how's your mental health?