Latest / The Ben Maller Show / The Fifth Hour: Like Opening a Giant Box of Crayons

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The Fifth Hour: Like Opening a Giant Box of Crayons · The Ben Maller Show

0:00
Speaker 1: Kaboom!
0:02
Speaker 2: If you thought four hours a day, 1,200 minutes a
0:05
Speaker 2: week was enough, think again. He's the last remnants of
0:09
Speaker 2: the old republic, a sole bastion of fairness. He treats
0:13
Speaker 2: crackheads in the ghetto gutter the same as the rich
0:16
Speaker 2: pill poppers in the penthouse.
0:18
Speaker 1: Wow.
0:18
Speaker 2: The clearinghouse of hot takes break free for something special.
0:22
Speaker 2: The Fifth Hour with Ben Maller starts right now.
0:30
Speaker 1: In the air everywhere. The fifth hour with me, Ben Maller,
0:37
Speaker 1: and you as we have reached another weekend. It's amazing.
0:43
Speaker 1: That's the only time you hear this podcast is on
0:45
Speaker 1: the weekends. It is Friday, the fourth day of September,
0:50
Speaker 1: a week before the anniversaries for 9-11. It is the
0:52
Speaker 1: 247th day of the year. My computer-like brain tells me
0:54
Speaker 1: that means there are 118 days left. It is the
0:56
Speaker 1: 36th day of the year. It is the final weekend.
1:08
Speaker 1: Without the National Football League, and that means that college
1:14
Speaker 1: football dominates this weekend. It's all about college football, and
1:18
Speaker 1: I'm excited about it. And the reason I'm excited about
1:21
Speaker 1: it is because I actually get to focus on college football,
1:26
Speaker 1: and we can really dig into the college game. And
1:30
Speaker 1: I know there were some games... Yesterday, last night, or whatever.
1:34
Speaker 1: But the schedule, I know there's also some games last
1:37
Speaker 1: weekend and whatnot. However, this is it, right? I mean,
1:42
Speaker 1: it is on. It is on like Donkey Kong, the
1:48
Speaker 1: college football card. Pretty much everyone who matters, I think,
1:53
Speaker 1: if I looked at the schedule, is playing. And yeah,
1:57
Speaker 1: I mean, so we've got some great matches and some
1:59
Speaker 1: games today. In fact, my guy, Eddie Garcia, I was
2:02
Speaker 1: texting Eddie, the godfather, he'll be at the Coliseum in L.A. tonight.
2:08
Speaker 1: Fresno State, a proud Fresno State alumnus. So when you
2:13
Speaker 1: watch that game on TV tonight, Eddie will be there.
2:15
Speaker 1: USC favored by three touchdowns over the Bulldogs of Fresno State.
2:22
Speaker 1: You have some epic mismatches this weekend. Including today, that
2:27
Speaker 1: one mismatch. Although Oklahoma and UTEP, Oklahoma a 41-point favorite
2:33
Speaker 1: in that game. Miami plays Stanford later today. And Miami,
2:41
Speaker 1: the Hurricanes, that's a short trip. 24-point favorites. 24-point favorites.
2:48
Speaker 1: Let's see, what is the biggest point spread? There's some
2:51
Speaker 1: big ones this week, and I'm sure we'll get more
2:53
Speaker 1: to that. on tomorrow's podcast, but we are looking forward
2:57
Speaker 1: to today's college football, and I don't have to do
3:00
Speaker 1: the show tonight, so I can just sit back and
3:02
Speaker 1: watch some of these games. Not the greatest card in
3:05
Speaker 1: the world. I've got the magic box, so I'll be
3:09
Speaker 1: able to flip around and watch some of these games.
3:11
Speaker 1: You're like, what is going on? Rutgers is a 29-point
3:15
Speaker 1: favorite over UMass. I'll check that game out because I'm
3:20
Speaker 1: a curmudgeon. And I stay home, and I do these
3:23
Speaker 1: kind of things. So college football is back. Excited about that.
3:27
Speaker 1: And on this podcast, we've got a movie magic, piece
3:33
Speaker 1: of movie magic, if it was about basketball, and the
3:37
Speaker 1: official postgame show of what was an amazing weekend in
3:44
Speaker 1: Viva Las Vegas. We begin, though, with this. A number
3:49
Speaker 1: of people have reached out to me because I have
3:52
Speaker 1: been very public about my fandom with the people's team,
3:57
Speaker 1: the Clippers, and it was a massive story in our
4:01
Speaker 1: little world here, the sporty world, where the NBA delivered
4:06
Speaker 1: the hammer of God, so many people are saying on
4:10
Speaker 1: the Clippers. And I got an email, and I was
4:13
Speaker 1: going to save this for the mailbag on Sunday. I
4:16
Speaker 1: have decided just to mention it, and I'm not going
4:18
Speaker 1: to do a full rant on that. Got an email
4:21
Speaker 1: from a guy who was very upset that I did
4:24
Speaker 1: not take the loss of these draft picks more personally.
4:30
Speaker 1: Felt like I have gone soft in my older age
4:34
Speaker 1: and says a gentleman named Mike, who did not say
4:38
Speaker 1: where they're from. I assume from Southern California, but I
4:40
Speaker 1: don't know. It's had the tone of a Laker fan
4:43
Speaker 1: or historian, as we like to say. So anyway, Mike
4:45
Speaker 1: was upset. He was, you know, the old mallor. Back
4:49
Speaker 1: in your younger days, you would have gone on a
4:52
Speaker 1: rant and you would have attacked the NBA and you
4:55
Speaker 1: would have gone on, you know what I'm saying? And
4:57
Speaker 1: while that is true to a point, that comparison, I
5:01
Speaker 1: did do a lot of ridiculous rants in my younger days.
5:05
Speaker 1: I have seen things. I have lived life. I have
5:08
Speaker 1: seen how they make the sausage, Mike. I know what
5:12
Speaker 1: goes on. And the stories are out there of... What
5:16
Speaker 1: the Clippers did, now it's possible the Clippers went next
5:20
Speaker 1: level and they went alpha, beta, and just like the
5:24
Speaker 1: whole thing from A to Z and the whole deal.
5:28
Speaker 1: My whole point, what I had heard all along, and
5:32
Speaker 1: I had been very open about this, I've talked about
5:33
Speaker 1: it here on this podcast, on the radio show, that
5:36
Speaker 1: the people I know that work in the NBA, that
5:38
Speaker 1: the DNA trail, the fingerprint trail, everything was leading towards
5:43
Speaker 1: It's going to be a soft punishment, and that's it.
5:46
Speaker 1: And then this happened, and we were like, whoa! And
5:50
Speaker 1: now it's this massive quagmire. Steve Ballmer's got F.U. money
5:56
Speaker 1: multiplied by F.U. money. He's got time on his hands,
6:01
Speaker 1: and you have now sullied his name. In his world— and
6:05
Speaker 1: we love Ballmer. He's such a goofball. In his world—
6:08
Speaker 1: based on the things that I've read the last couple days,
6:11
Speaker 1: this is like the worst thing that's happened. You would
6:13
Speaker 1: think when he was working for Microsoft in 07 and
6:18
Speaker 1: got on stage and ranting and raved about how no
6:21
Speaker 1: one's going to buy the iPhone because it was too expensive,
6:24
Speaker 1: you'd think that would be the low watermark. But no,
6:27
Speaker 1: this apparently is. And the whole thing is, I keep
6:30
Speaker 1: going back to the word bonkers. It is a quagmire
6:33
Speaker 1: for the NBA. The Kawhi era. which had so much
6:38
Speaker 1: optimism and so much promise, and we were all excited.
6:42
Speaker 1: It was, oh, finally, we've seen the light. And it's
6:45
Speaker 1: another reminder, be careful what you ask for. And if
6:48
Speaker 1: the Kawhi era with the Clippers was movie magic, it
6:54
Speaker 1: would be a hodgepodge, a mosaic, with all these different movies. Now,
7:00
Speaker 1: the first movie, and I mentioned this when I was
7:02
Speaker 1: on with my friend Bob Fesco in Kansas City on Thursday, No, yesterday.
7:07
Speaker 1: The Hangover is the perfect movie to me. The Kawhi era,
7:12
Speaker 1: it felt like a fever dream, this Vegas bender. And
7:17
Speaker 1: then you wake up and you're missing all these draft picks.
7:21
Speaker 1: You don't know where they went. And there's a bill
7:23
Speaker 1: for $ 30 million. And it was like, It's on the nightstand,
7:27
Speaker 1: and the Kawhi thing was like a one-night stand because
7:30
Speaker 1: he hardly played at all, and it wasn't even that good.
7:33
Speaker 1: And you're like, why did I bother doing that? And
7:35
Speaker 1: then it's a little bit like the Titanic because you've
7:37
Speaker 1: got the Intuit Dome, this beautiful... sparkling new ship of
7:42
Speaker 1: the nba with all those amazing urinal cakes nowhere i'd
7:46
Speaker 1: rather piss than the intuit dome and then balmer's on
7:51
Speaker 1: the bridge like in the titanic and the iceberg is
7:54
Speaker 1: labeled salary cap circumvention but then it's also a little
7:57
Speaker 1: bit like the wolf of wall street where the clippers
8:00
Speaker 1: were living high on the hog and they had excess
8:03
Speaker 1: everywhere right and they ran L.A., really did run L.A.,
8:08
Speaker 1: and they had these side deals that were a little shady,
8:13
Speaker 1: and then eventually somebody came snooping around, and there you go.
8:18
Speaker 1: And then now you look at it, and I'd toss
8:21
Speaker 1: Home Alone, another classic movie franchise, Home Alone in there,
8:24
Speaker 1: because the NBA didn't demolish the house, despite what you
8:29
Speaker 1: may have heard. It just booby-trapped the Clippers' future for
8:33
Speaker 1: the next decade. Right. So, man, what a what a mess.
8:40
Speaker 1: What a mess. Now, I'm sure we'll talk much more
8:43
Speaker 1: about that. And I don't want to do sporty. That
8:45
Speaker 1: was more movie than sporty. So Viva Las Vegas. The
8:52
Speaker 1: Fifth Hour podcast is happy to present. The postgame show
8:57
Speaker 1: from the 2026 Las Vegas Maller meet and greet. And
9:02
Speaker 1: we held that last Saturday, so less than a week ago,
9:05
Speaker 1: at the Stakeout Bar and Grill, our normal stomping grounds there,
9:08
Speaker 1: right across from UNLV Free Parking on a toasty day
9:14
Speaker 1: in Sin City. I am happy to report no one,
9:18
Speaker 1: to my knowledge, was injured. There were no fights that
9:21
Speaker 1: took place, and it was on like Donkey Kong. And
9:24
Speaker 1: we had a great time. I had a great time.
9:26
Speaker 1: I don't know if you had a great time. And
9:28
Speaker 1: if you've never attended... a Malheur meet and greet. And
9:32
Speaker 1: really like, if you haven't attended one of these things,
9:34
Speaker 1: what have you done with your life? Now I have
9:37
Speaker 1: been told, I mentioned this and I've mentioned this in
9:38
Speaker 1: the past, but for those of you that don't listen
9:41
Speaker 1: to every single thing I say, I have been told
9:44
Speaker 1: over the years that these things have become like a
9:47
Speaker 1: bucket list item for certain members of the Malheur militia.
9:50
Speaker 1: And I am truly honored. It is flattering that you
9:55
Speaker 1: think coming out and hanging out for a couple of
9:57
Speaker 1: hours at a bar somewhere is, is on your bucket list.
10:02
Speaker 1: It really is a tremendous thing to say. It's also concerning.
10:08
Speaker 1: You could go to Paris, hang out in Paris, the
10:12
Speaker 1: Grand Canyon, the pyramids. You could go see the Northern Lights.
10:17
Speaker 1: And apparently somewhere... on that big board, not a list,
10:23
Speaker 1: on that big board, Terry in England, not a list,
10:27
Speaker 1: right between swimming with the Dolphins, seeing the Taj Mahal,
10:33
Speaker 1: running with the Bulls in Pamplona, is going out and
10:37
Speaker 1: watching Big Balls Bob sing karaoke at this bar upstairs
10:44
Speaker 1: near UNLV. Every Maller Gathering, Every one of these things,
10:50
Speaker 1: it takes a life of its own. It's got its
10:51
Speaker 1: own personality. You can plan the location, which we did
10:56
Speaker 1: thanks to our boots on the ground in Vegas. You
10:58
Speaker 1: can plan the time. We did that. You can tell
11:01
Speaker 1: people where to go, where to park. We've done all that.
11:05
Speaker 1: And then after all of the logistics are done, you're
11:09
Speaker 1: on your own. You're on your own. And this year's
11:12
Speaker 1: festivities included Metaglass Kyle. who presented me with something I
11:17
Speaker 1: had never received at any previous listener gathering. I was
11:21
Speaker 1: given the gift of a condiment. Not just any condiment.
11:26
Speaker 1: As Kyle knows, this is the gold standard Ken's honey
11:30
Speaker 1: mustard salad dressing.
11:32
Speaker 2: What?
11:34
Speaker 1: Not just any honey mustard, mind you. The greatest honey
11:37
Speaker 1: mustard dipping sauce in America, which is technically sold as
11:42
Speaker 1: salad dressing. That, I believe, is false advertising. Nobody I
11:48
Speaker 1: know is eating salad with this stuff on it. You
11:51
Speaker 1: dip chicken in it, the fries, maybe a finger if
11:55
Speaker 1: nobody is looking. Now, over the years, I have been
11:59
Speaker 1: very lucky to have listeners present me with nice little
12:03
Speaker 1: gifts when I go and do these meet and greets.
12:05
Speaker 1: And I really do appreciate it. And I've picked up
12:08
Speaker 1: some really cool knickknacks over the years. And I don't
12:11
Speaker 1: ever ask for anything. some people feel like they need
12:15
Speaker 1: to do it. And I'm honored that you do. And
12:17
Speaker 1: it's a very kind welcome. And sometimes it's not even
12:19
Speaker 1: a gift. It's a sign. I mean, I still have,
12:23
Speaker 1: I can close my eyes and see the father-son duo
12:26
Speaker 1: there in Kentucky that had the welcome sign with the
12:32
Speaker 1: son there holding it up. It was just great. It
12:34
Speaker 1: was wonderful, right? And so that kind of stuff is
12:37
Speaker 1: really special and not to get all sappy and all that.
12:41
Speaker 1: But I've received some strange gifts. The strangest from Doc Mike,
12:44
Speaker 1: that was not at a meet and greet when he
12:46
Speaker 1: sent the bloody goat head in the mail, which caused
12:49
Speaker 1: a lot of problems at work and whatnot. And people
12:52
Speaker 1: give me shirts and hats and memorabilia and things like
12:55
Speaker 1: that and homemade items, as I said. Things I probably
13:00
Speaker 1: shouldn't mention I've gotten because I'm not sure if they
13:04
Speaker 1: were legal items. To transport across state lines, but we
13:08
Speaker 1: won't talk about that. However, I have never, ever received
13:12
Speaker 1: the gift of a condiment. So congratulations to Metaglasses Kyle
13:17
Speaker 1: there and his magical glasses, which were, he said were
13:22
Speaker 1: not working. They might have been working. I don't know.
13:25
Speaker 1: But he has made history. And for the next several months,
13:28
Speaker 1: every time I eat fried chicken, I will think of Kyle.
13:32
Speaker 1: And that is either friendship or a desperate cry for help. Now,
13:36
Speaker 1: Big Balls Bob, my guy, also returned. He lit up
13:39
Speaker 1: the karaoke stage. He did some other songs as well.
13:42
Speaker 1: Bob presented me with a classic Las Vegas souvenir hat,
13:47
Speaker 1: which will be added to my collection. Also, J Scoop
13:50
Speaker 1: and Tammy in Montana presented a bunch of Malheur Plus hats,
13:56
Speaker 1: which were amazing. We had a feeding frenzy. I'll talk
13:59
Speaker 1: about that as well. So I left Vegas with two hats.
14:04
Speaker 1: and a container of Ken's honey mustard salad dressing, which
14:10
Speaker 1: is a dipping sauce. Take that, Bellagio! How do you
14:14
Speaker 1: like them apples, Caesar's Palace? Even Circus Circus is impressed. Now,
14:20
Speaker 1: a number of you asked why we did not do
14:24
Speaker 1: the live radio show today. from Las Vegas Thursday into Friday,
14:29
Speaker 1: there was a scheduling situation. I was on the schedule
14:33
Speaker 1: to work. I give my schedule out every Sunday on
14:36
Speaker 1: the Fifth Hour Podcast you're listening to right now. It's
14:39
Speaker 1: an add-on item for those of you that go above
14:41
Speaker 1: and beyond the call of duty and listen to this podcast,
14:45
Speaker 1: which is a work of love, not money. And so
14:47
Speaker 1: I was scheduled to work. I intended to work. I
14:50
Speaker 1: was prepared to do the show. And at the very
14:52
Speaker 1: last minute, there was a snafu. There was a snafu
14:55
Speaker 1: with the studio. I was supposed to use a studio
15:00
Speaker 1: that I had used many times. I've gone to Vegas
15:01
Speaker 1: for probably 25 years now. I've done longer than that, actually.
15:06
Speaker 1: Longer than that. I've done shows from pretty much everywhere.
15:09
Speaker 1: I've done shows from hotels. You name it. It's been
15:13
Speaker 1: all over the place. All over the place I've been
15:17
Speaker 1: doing these shows. And for whatever reason, I don't need
15:22
Speaker 1: to get into it here, the studio that I was
15:24
Speaker 1: supposed to use became unavailable. There was briefly another possibility,
15:28
Speaker 1: which would have involved me taking a remote box and
15:30
Speaker 1: broadcasting from my hotel room, which did not seem like
15:34
Speaker 1: a good idea, considering how loud I am and the
15:38
Speaker 1: time that I broadcast. That would have caused an issue.
15:43
Speaker 1: So that became problematic. At that point, Las Vegas itself
15:48
Speaker 1: seemed to be telling me, Benjamin, stop working. Give us
15:52
Speaker 1: your money. I said, you know what, Vegas? I don't
15:55
Speaker 1: like to stop working. I don't like to give you
15:58
Speaker 1: my money, but why not? I can't argue with Las Vegas.
16:01
Speaker 1: So I was forced, forced to take the night off. Now,
16:04
Speaker 1: this actually turned out to be a great mitzvah. And
16:07
Speaker 1: here's why. This allowed me. to spend more time enjoying
16:14
Speaker 1: the city. I still have great affection. It's a love-hate
16:17
Speaker 1: relationship with me and Vegas. I love to bitch and
16:20
Speaker 1: complain about Vegas. I still have a great romance with Vegas.
16:25
Speaker 1: Despite Las Vegas spending the last 10 to 15 years
16:30
Speaker 1: trying to financially mug me and every man, woman, and
16:33
Speaker 1: child that visits. You got resort fees to the right.
16:38
Speaker 1: You got parking fees right up your keister. Convenience fees.
16:42
Speaker 1: I don't even know what that is. Soon there will
16:44
Speaker 1: be an oxygen fee. And they'll say, Maller, you inhaled
16:48
Speaker 1: casino air for 14 minutes. And 13 seconds. And as
16:56
Speaker 1: a result of you inhaling our filtered casino air for
17:01
Speaker 1: 14 minutes and 13 seconds, you will be charged $ 37. 95.
17:05
Speaker 1: It's a one-time fee. But I had to breathe or
17:11
Speaker 1: else I would have been in a body bag. I
17:13
Speaker 1: know that, but we still, I hope you understand, out
17:16
Speaker 1: of an abundance of caution, and I don't even know
17:19
Speaker 1: why I said that, out of an abundance of caution,
17:20
Speaker 1: there's a supply chain shortage on air. And our air
17:24
Speaker 1: is better air than any other air. So that's going
17:27
Speaker 1: to cost you $ 37. 95. So anyway, we stayed off the Strip.
17:31
Speaker 1: My wife likes the hotel that we stayed at because
17:34
Speaker 1: the beds are very comfortable. She is a bed snob.
17:38
Speaker 1: I don't really care that much about the beds. Anyway,
17:41
Speaker 1: I liked it because parking is free. It's not on
17:44
Speaker 1: the Strip. Parking is free. This is what happens when
17:47
Speaker 1: you get a little older in life. If you had
17:49
Speaker 1: asked me at age 25, Like if Tammy in Montana
17:52
Speaker 1: had come up to a young, very large me, Ben,
17:57
Speaker 1: at age 25, I would have chosen a hotel because
18:01
Speaker 1: it had some kind of great nightclub and all the
18:03
Speaker 1: hot chicks were there and all that stuff. Not that
18:06
Speaker 1: I had any luck with them, but at my age,
18:09
Speaker 1: you tell me more about complimentary parking and I'm in.
18:14
Speaker 1: Just sell me on the parking. So we had good food.
18:19
Speaker 1: We had good fun. We had a few adventures. One
18:21
Speaker 1: thing that happened to me in Vegas has never happened before.
18:25
Speaker 1: And I'm going to save some of that stuff for
18:26
Speaker 1: another podcast because, you know, why not? I don't want
18:29
Speaker 1: to spend my entire weekend. From last weekend, just on
18:34
Speaker 1: one podcast, there was so much that happened. I was
18:36
Speaker 1: in Vegas. I got to Vegas on Thursday. It was Thursday, Friday, Saturday.
18:41
Speaker 1: Came back, as I normally do, in the middle of
18:43
Speaker 1: the night because there's no traffic unless there's an accident.
18:48
Speaker 1: And this is our third straight year. Main event on Saturday,
18:51
Speaker 1: third straight year, Steakout Bar and Grill. And a giant
18:56
Speaker 1: thank you to the ownership there at the restaurant. I
18:59
Speaker 1: want to thank Dave and Slug, our dynamic duo. As
19:03
Speaker 1: Dave gets up there and he's got the karaoke set
19:06
Speaker 1: up and he kills it. And Slug, those are our guys.
19:09
Speaker 1: Slug serving as the lead boots on the ground organizer of...
19:15
Speaker 1: This audio circus. Now, I often will rant behind microphones
19:20
Speaker 1: about television ratings in sports being a wellness check for
19:25
Speaker 1: MLB and the NBA and whatnot. Now, the numbers have
19:28
Speaker 1: been doctored recently. They changed the way they do the ratings,
19:31
Speaker 1: so everyone's got higher ratings. Are people watching? Do they care?
19:36
Speaker 1: And attendance is one thing. Ratings are the most important
19:41
Speaker 1: thing because it's just a TV show. It's just a
19:43
Speaker 1: TV show. And anyway, everyone has pretty much moved. on
19:50
Speaker 1: to on-demand video watching of cats falling off refrigerators and
19:57
Speaker 1: things like that. So these meet and greets for our
20:00
Speaker 1: show are like a little wellness check. It's like a
20:05
Speaker 1: little wellness check. Does the show still matter enough for
20:10
Speaker 1: People to leave their homes. Does it matter? You look
20:15
Speaker 1: into that. And apparently, I'm happy to report, not all
20:20
Speaker 1: precincts are reporting in, but yes. And we're a national show.
20:27
Speaker 1: We're live and local in your eardrums. And we're very
20:29
Speaker 1: lucky to have a big blowtorch of 600 plus radio
20:33
Speaker 1: stations and satellite radio and the iHeartRadio app, which is
20:37
Speaker 1: an absolute Godzilla. And so it's great. However, the audience
20:43
Speaker 1: is scattered. We got packs of people. Where you are,
20:49
Speaker 1: there's other people that listen there, but there's people spread out.
20:52
Speaker 1: And it makes these gatherings an imperfect measurement. And so
20:57
Speaker 1: many people seem to be like, hey, come to my town.
20:59
Speaker 1: I'd love to. I'd love to. But they're not cheap. Vegas, obviously,
21:04
Speaker 1: is different. Vegas is a destination. People were already coming
21:08
Speaker 1: to town. Others made the trip. specifically for this nonsense
21:12
Speaker 1: that we do called the Mallory Meet and Greet. We
21:14
Speaker 1: had the Louisville birthday crowd, which was just wonderful. A
21:19
Speaker 1: few of those people bailed out, but what a great way.
21:21
Speaker 1: They were celebrating the 50th birthday for the wife, and
21:25
Speaker 1: they come out, have some drinks with us. And it was,
21:27
Speaker 1: I really want to thank them. The party bus arrived.
21:29
Speaker 1: Mad Jack, my man, pots and pans. Mad Jack, so
21:34
Speaker 1: great to see him. And, you know, he's battling some
21:38
Speaker 1: stuff and he's got some creeping crud and some other things.
21:41
Speaker 1: And he walked up those stairs and he, it was
21:45
Speaker 1: just awesome. It was just awesome. And our peeps, Robin
21:48
Speaker 1: and Ruthie from Vancouver, they made an appearance and I
21:54
Speaker 1: talked to them briefly. My wife had a good conversation,
21:57
Speaker 1: said some really cool things about Robin and Ruthie. I
22:00
Speaker 1: think my wife is helping them plan their wedding or
22:02
Speaker 1: give them some pointers and I don't want to give
22:05
Speaker 1: too much away here, but I think she gave some
22:07
Speaker 1: advice from my situation. Based on my memory, we had
22:11
Speaker 1: a Johnny Cash-like everywhere crowd. I've been everywhere, man, crowd.
22:16
Speaker 1: Robbie the Mariner fan representing Oregon. Several of the guys
22:19
Speaker 1: from Northern California. A lot from Southern California, west of
22:22
Speaker 1: the 405 and OC, my guys who flew in just
22:26
Speaker 1: for the event. They used to listen when they were
22:28
Speaker 1: younger lads. Now they're all grown up. And I'm very proud.
22:32
Speaker 1: I'm like a surrogate father. You had Mr. Luca Jersey
22:36
Speaker 1: and the NBA Ignite there. Good dudes. Las Vegas locals,
22:39
Speaker 1: bunch of Vegas locals, as you might imagine. Henderson, which
22:42
Speaker 1: is one of my favorite cities. It's just outside Vegas.
22:45
Speaker 1: Good food. Good food in Henderson. A gentleman flew up
22:48
Speaker 1: from San Diego to see the UNLV game, and he
22:51
Speaker 1: stopped by our place. JT, the wingman. His sixth Malheur
22:55
Speaker 1: meet and greet, he came out from Tennessee, had a
22:59
Speaker 1: listener who dragged his wife from Tallahassee. Brandon and Nathan,
23:04
Speaker 1: they came from Florida. I think they're in the Gulf
23:07
Speaker 1: Coast part of Florida. I'm not sure. I think that's
23:10
Speaker 1: the case. Had a gentleman from Boston, had a nice
23:13
Speaker 1: woman from Denver that was in town and she wanted
23:16
Speaker 1: to come out. She stays up late. And several people
23:20
Speaker 1: from places that when they told me where they lived,
23:23
Speaker 1: and I'm pretty good at geography. I'm not great, but
23:25
Speaker 1: I'm pretty good at geography. But several people told me
23:29
Speaker 1: where they lived, and I smiled politely and I nodded
23:31
Speaker 1: my head while having absolutely no effing idea where they
23:36
Speaker 1: were talking about. Like, I didn't know. So for those people,
23:40
Speaker 1: I'm putting them down as Timbuktu. Now, it's possible that
23:44
Speaker 1: they live in the suburbs of Timbuktu or another town
23:47
Speaker 1: that a couple of miles down the road from Timbuktu.
23:49
Speaker 1: And it's also conceivable that at one point they lived
23:52
Speaker 1: in Walla Walla, Washington, and they might have relatives in Kalamazoo.
23:57
Speaker 1: I'm not sure. It was a hodgepodge of Malheur militia
24:01
Speaker 1: guys and gals, good-looking people, good-looking people. There was a
24:05
Speaker 1: lot of karaoke. There was a ton of drinking, massive
24:10
Speaker 1: amounts of alcohol. There was more karaoke. You had my
24:14
Speaker 1: friend Lorena bouncing around, socializing, the social butterfly. My wife
24:18
Speaker 1: was doing similar things. You had Coop, who was holding
24:22
Speaker 1: court in the back. My guy Natron, who's pretty much,
24:26
Speaker 1: he owns the back left part of the venue if
24:30
Speaker 1: you're on the stage, that if you see a guy
24:32
Speaker 1: wearing an ugly orange Gigantes hat, the Giants hat, with
24:36
Speaker 1: his very kind wife there in the back of the room.
24:39
Speaker 1: That's Natron and his wife, and I'm happy for Natron.
24:41
Speaker 1: He just made the leap, bought the house. Big move. Congratulations,
24:46
Speaker 1: Mazel Tov. I hope you guys enjoy the house. Good
24:49
Speaker 1: luck having the fine handymen to come in and fix
24:51
Speaker 1: the house and all that. Well, maybe Natron. Natron looks
24:53
Speaker 1: like he's good with his hands. He probably can fix
24:55
Speaker 1: a lot of stuff. There were Raider people roaming around,
24:58
Speaker 1: and as always, there were the babushkas. I got to
25:02
Speaker 1: tell you, I love the babushkas. One of the great
25:06
Speaker 1: discoveries that I had no idea when I started doing
25:10
Speaker 1: radio at Fox and overnight radio in particular, all these
25:13
Speaker 1: years I've been doing this, I didn't realize, and I've
25:17
Speaker 1: learned it over the years, the silent majority of older
25:21
Speaker 1: wibbit who listen in the middle of the night. Now,
25:26
Speaker 1: some of them are sports fans. I've learned from meeting
25:29
Speaker 1: some of you babushkas. Most of you are not. And
25:33
Speaker 1: I haven't decided whether or not that is a badge
25:35
Speaker 1: of honor or whether I should be wearing the shame bell. Shame! Shame! Like,
25:42
Speaker 1: what does it say about your sports show when people
25:45
Speaker 1: who don't care about sports enjoy it? Should I be
25:50
Speaker 1: proud of that? Should I be somewhat concerned? Does there
25:53
Speaker 1: need to be some kind of investigation? Now, one woman
25:55
Speaker 1: who was probably... I don't know how old anyone is.
26:00
Speaker 1: Maybe she was in her 20s. She looked to be
26:02
Speaker 1: in her 60s. I don't know. Maybe even older than that.
26:04
Speaker 1: Who knows? And she came up to me, and she
26:06
Speaker 1: was very excited. She didn't stay very long. She came
26:09
Speaker 1: up to me, and she told me her whole story
26:11
Speaker 1: about how she became a member of the Malheur militia.
26:14
Speaker 1: And she said she wasn't a sports fan at all,
26:18
Speaker 1: and she's still not, but she listens to Because she's lonely,
26:22
Speaker 1: and she did the whole menopause thing years ago, and
26:26
Speaker 1: she's got, I guess, menopause-induced insomnia, which is apparently a thing,
26:30
Speaker 1: and she's up late, she's lonely, and she enjoys, she
26:35
Speaker 1: said she enjoys how I do the monologues. She likes
26:38
Speaker 1: the jigsaw puzzle thing where I'll say, like, pretty much
26:42
Speaker 1: all I do now is I'll say three things and
26:43
Speaker 1: then try to, like, put them together, and she says
26:45
Speaker 1: she enjoys that, which was a compliment. I thought that
26:47
Speaker 1: was very kind of you to say that, and I
26:48
Speaker 1: do appreciate that. because a lot of people don't say that.
26:51
Speaker 1: So I thank you. And she said she's even learned
26:54
Speaker 1: some things about sports that tell her grandkids, which is great.
26:59
Speaker 1: I'm sure the grandkids probably roll their eyes, but that's fine.
27:04
Speaker 1: So apparently I'm now educating the babushkas. You don't need
27:07
Speaker 1: to go to Harvard or Yale or Stanford. Malheur U, baby.
27:12
Speaker 1: Malheur U. M-U. Overnight classes. No tuition. Questionable. Accrederation or
27:22
Speaker 1: whatever the word is. Yeah, it's early. Of course, like
27:26
Speaker 1: every social media gathering, plenty of people say they're coming
27:30
Speaker 1: and then life gets in the way. We had no shows.
27:34
Speaker 1: I'm not here to call anyone out. The biggest were
27:36
Speaker 1: Mouthwash Mike and Wayne from Missouri. Now we learned Mouthwash
27:40
Speaker 1: Mike called up. He was in the hospital yet again
27:43
Speaker 1: as he does this tap dance with the Grim Reaper,
27:48
Speaker 1: and he's trying to stay alive. And considering Mike has
27:51
Speaker 1: spent many portions of recent years bouncing between hospitals and
27:56
Speaker 1: various jails around Vegas, he's like a pinball going back,
28:02
Speaker 1: you're in the hospital. No, no, I'm in jail now.
28:04
Speaker 1: And the various other accommodations not listed on Expedia. This
28:09
Speaker 1: was not entirely shocking that my man Mouthwash Mike didn't
28:14
Speaker 1: show up. I actually drove around Vegas a little bit.
28:17
Speaker 1: My eyes peeled as I was looking to try to
28:20
Speaker 1: find where Mike might be. I saw a lot of
28:24
Speaker 1: his contemporaries, people down on their luck, homeless, and did
28:30
Speaker 1: not see him. No Mouthwash Mike. In my head, I
28:33
Speaker 1: had this plan. I told Robbie, the Mariner fan, I
28:36
Speaker 1: had this plan to, after the meet and greet, I
28:39
Speaker 1: was going to take Mouthwash Mike to the Bellagio, to
28:41
Speaker 1: the fountains, so he could demonstrate his famous Aquaman skills.
28:46
Speaker 1: And some people swim in the Pacific. Other people say,
28:49
Speaker 1: I'm more of an Atlantic person. Maybe you swim in
28:52
Speaker 1: a great lake like Lake Michigan or Lake Superior, the
28:55
Speaker 1: newly named lake from President Trump. Mouthwash Mike, he loves
29:00
Speaker 1: the great lake that is the Bellagio. Now, I wanted
29:04
Speaker 1: to bring Robbie the Mariner fan, Jay Scoop, and a
29:07
Speaker 1: few others who are characters on the show to witness
29:11
Speaker 1: what could loosely be described as majestic Olympic swimming. Very loosely. Unfortunately,
29:19
Speaker 1: as we said, Aquaman did not appear. Now, Wayne from
29:23
Speaker 1: Missouri is another person I was really hoping to meet.
29:25
Speaker 1: And Wayne also did not make it. Hopefully he's doing okay.
29:28
Speaker 1: Wayne survived a near-death motorcycle accident and lost a leg.
29:33
Speaker 1: He also has the distinction of having dealt with the
29:37
Speaker 1: most famous drill sergeant. in the history of the united
29:42
Speaker 1: states marines gunner sergeant hartman the relentless drill sergeant from
29:47
Speaker 1: full metal jacket famously portrayed by r lee ermy and
29:54
Speaker 1: That guy, Wayne, actually had R. Lee Ermey as his
29:58
Speaker 1: drill sergeant. Imagine what that must have been like for
30:00
Speaker 1: a young lad like Wayne. Yeah, Big Lou, not on
30:05
Speaker 1: number two. He was a healthy scratch. We mentioned mouthwash
30:09
Speaker 1: Mike was in the injury tent. And also somebody failed
30:14
Speaker 1: to clear waivers, so they were not there. That's two
30:16
Speaker 1: straight years, by the way, Lou. You have told us
30:19
Speaker 1: you're going to show up. You've even tried to plan
30:21
Speaker 1: events after the meet and greet and have not attended yet.
30:24
Speaker 1: Two straight years, something has happened. Now, at some point,
30:28
Speaker 1: we're going to have to put Lou on timeout, or
30:31
Speaker 1: at least on the physically unable to attend list.
30:36
Speaker 2: Right?
30:37
Speaker 1: That's a list, Terry. He has become our version of
30:40
Speaker 1: the Loch Ness Monster. There are rumors that Big Lou
30:43
Speaker 1: is going to be there. No confirmed sightings. Also, Nada,
30:48
Speaker 1: our friend from LAX by way of Australia... She had
30:52
Speaker 1: said she was going to attend, and she did not
30:54
Speaker 1: make it. I was looking forward to meeting her. She
30:56
Speaker 1: seems like a cool, cool woman. Hopefully her divorce party
31:00
Speaker 1: was tremendous, or who knows, maybe she got back with
31:04
Speaker 1: her husband. Based on some of the things she was saying,
31:07
Speaker 1: I'm betting that was not the case. Lance the bus
31:09
Speaker 1: driver also teased an appearance. He did not make it. Unfortunately,
31:13
Speaker 1: Rod the ambassador did not attend. He did cancel, so
31:17
Speaker 1: we'll give him credit for that. I should not mention
31:21
Speaker 1: that Supermarket Steve's wife was not there. I will not
31:24
Speaker 1: mention that, even though she was in Vegas. I will
31:26
Speaker 1: mention Supermarket Steve did make an appearance and was somewhat
31:30
Speaker 1: nice to me this time, so that's kind of cool.
31:32
Speaker 1: And I will not mention at all, I've been told
31:35
Speaker 1: not to mention, that it is possible that Supermarket Steve's
31:38
Speaker 1: lovely wife, who makes a mean tiramisu, apparently ate some
31:43
Speaker 1: bad lettuce and may have ridden a first-class seat on
31:47
Speaker 1: the Vomit Comet suffering from Vegas Vic's revenge, which is
31:51
Speaker 1: a cousin of Montezuma's revenge. I don't know. I don't know. However, listen,
31:56
Speaker 1: the day was not about who didn't show up. It
31:58
Speaker 1: was about everyone who did. And I cannot thank you enough.
32:03
Speaker 1: That's the part of these gatherings I never, ever get
32:07
Speaker 1: tired of. It's difficult. I'm an introvert. I don't eat
32:12
Speaker 1: at these things because I want to give my time
32:14
Speaker 1: to you because you're giving your time to me. And
32:17
Speaker 1: the audience is spread out. We're lucky it spans the globe.
32:22
Speaker 1: We've got what I would say, like rich people, there's
32:26
Speaker 1: poor people, there's people in the middle, there's people stuck
32:29
Speaker 1: somewhere outside the Milky Way. I think there were some
32:34
Speaker 1: Lizard people that might have shown up there in the back.
32:37
Speaker 1: You've got all ages. You've got young people, old people, babushkas,
32:42
Speaker 1: as we talked about. It's kind of like opening a
32:45
Speaker 1: giant box of Crayola crayons. Different backgrounds, different careers, different opinions,
32:52
Speaker 1: different politics, all of those things. And for a couple
32:56
Speaker 1: of hours, a couple of hours, none of the culture
33:00
Speaker 1: war bullcrap, none of that garbage matters. Nobody cared who
33:05
Speaker 1: you voted for or anything. what your position is on
33:09
Speaker 1: the latest WNBA bull crap. Nobody cares about what cable
33:12
Speaker 1: news you're watching. Are you even still watching cable news, right?
33:17
Speaker 1: We're there because of this ridiculous little overnight radio show
33:22
Speaker 1: that is the unifying force, overnight sports radio. Hallelujah. Who knew?
33:29
Speaker 1: Who knew? And again, the wellness check came back positive.
33:33
Speaker 1: The overnight airwaves still matter. You showed up, you showed out,
33:38
Speaker 1: and I could not have been prouder. These events are
33:42
Speaker 1: not promoted by Fox Sports Radio or iHeart. I have
33:47
Speaker 1: tried to get them to be part of it. They
33:50
Speaker 1: have been unable to do that, which is their decision.
33:53
Speaker 1: They can decide what they want to invest in or not,
33:56
Speaker 1: and that's fine. I'm not complaining. I'm just saying that
34:00
Speaker 1: that's the reality, and a lot of you have said, well,
34:02
Speaker 1: do more, and they're expensive. We don't have a marketing department.
34:07
Speaker 1: There's no free swag that we're getting from corporate anyway.
34:11
Speaker 1: There's no budget. Nobody's handing Slug a giant expense account
34:15
Speaker 1: to put together this exorbitant, razzle-dazzle event. We're not the
34:19
Speaker 1: fancy daytime shows with the promotional tent, the catered lunch,
34:24
Speaker 1: the seven interns handing out koozies and bumper stickers. This
34:28
Speaker 1: is a grassroots situation by the people, for the people.
34:32
Speaker 1: We're meeting the electorate. The hoi polloi, the unwashed. And
34:38
Speaker 1: I would love to do more of these events. Again, though,
34:40
Speaker 1: the cost is a problem and the logistics can be brutal.
34:44
Speaker 1: And sometimes I have the money for them and then
34:46
Speaker 1: the logistics don't work out. And that's the situation. You
34:50
Speaker 1: do the overnight show and there's give and take. There's
34:54
Speaker 1: good and bad. And those are the facts of overnight
34:57
Speaker 1: radio life. My financial department is basically me looking at
35:01
Speaker 1: an airline ticket and saying, how much is that? Wait
35:04
Speaker 1: a minute. And the hotel. Now I've been incredibly fortunate.
35:07
Speaker 1: We've had some super fans who've been very kind and
35:10
Speaker 1: helped out J scoop, help make that Seattle meet and
35:13
Speaker 1: greet Nico and Vancouver was amazing. My God, that was
35:17
Speaker 1: first class all the way. And so I thank him and,
35:21
Speaker 1: I had a lot of help from Spin Cycle Regina
35:24
Speaker 1: in Minnesota. And the South Carolina thing was awesome as well.
35:30
Speaker 1: And the whole deal. Andy Furman helped me a lot.
35:34
Speaker 1: My colleague with Newport, Kentucky, among other places. So you
35:38
Speaker 1: guys have gone above and beyond the call of duty
35:40
Speaker 1: to organize a lot of this stuff. And I'm really
35:43
Speaker 1: grateful for that. And some of you have even been
35:46
Speaker 1: very generous and helped cover the cost of which is amazing.
35:52
Speaker 1: The Boston event, Mike, the leprechaun, our friend in New Hampshire,
35:55
Speaker 1: Mike in New Hampshire, just awesome. I still want to
35:58
Speaker 1: meet Mike in New Hampshire. We might have to do
36:01
Speaker 1: another Mallard meet and greet Mike. So you're at, you
36:03
Speaker 1: gotta be there. I know you had a lot of
36:03
Speaker 1: stuff going on, so I get it. I definitely want
36:06
Speaker 1: to meet you. So without those guys there, there are
36:08
Speaker 1: no Mallard meet and greets. I also do want to
36:11
Speaker 1: thank Tammy and Montana and J scoop again for providing
36:14
Speaker 1: the Mallard plus hats, not from the company. Near the
36:18
Speaker 1: end of the event, there was a literal, I said,
36:21
Speaker 1: feeding frenzy. There was. And we ran out. And I
36:23
Speaker 1: feel terrible because Tammy from Vegas, she really wanted to
36:27
Speaker 1: get one. And she didn't get one. And I felt, man,
36:29
Speaker 1: that sucks. And then, of course, I could have given
36:31
Speaker 1: her the one I got. But I only got one hat.
36:33
Speaker 1: And I was like, well, I kind of want that.
36:34
Speaker 1: But I should have probably given it to her. And
36:36
Speaker 1: I was kicking myself. I was like, ah, I should
36:37
Speaker 1: have given the damn hat to Tammy. But that would
36:39
Speaker 1: have been the gentlemanly thing to do. I guess I'm
36:41
Speaker 1: not a gentleman. But then I'm like, well, I need
36:42
Speaker 1: to get one. My name's on it. I kind of
36:44
Speaker 1: want one. I'd be kind of cool. And so, anyway,
36:47
Speaker 1: I did learn again. I was reminded there's apparently a
36:49
Speaker 1: black market for underground Malheur merch. There have been a
36:53
Speaker 1: few things made over the years, and so people do
36:55
Speaker 1: want the swag. So I will attempt again to at
36:58
Speaker 1: least have some T-shirts, some hats made. There was even
37:02
Speaker 1: a legitimate discussion about launching a Malheur Plus product, which...
37:11
Speaker 1: Began as a bet with J Scoop and may actually
37:16
Speaker 1: become a thing. May become a thing because that's how
37:19
Speaker 1: all great businesses begin. Someone makes a joke. It gets
37:24
Speaker 1: mocked and ridiculed, mainly to poke fun at Wayne in Duluth.
37:29
Speaker 1: And then somebody says, you know, people might actually pay
37:33
Speaker 1: something for that. So we're still figuring out if we're
37:36
Speaker 1: going to do Mahler Plus and what Mahler Plus would
37:39
Speaker 1: be like. maybe insider information about how the show comes together,
37:44
Speaker 1: behind-the-scenes material, extra P1 shows, special merch, that kind of stuff.
37:52
Speaker 1: And perhaps, perhaps access to my private honey mustard rankings
37:57
Speaker 1: with my buddy Kyle. It's premium content. So if you've
38:01
Speaker 1: got ideas... You can email realfifthouratgmail.com, all letters, no numbers, realfifthouratgmail.com.
38:11
Speaker 1: If you are interested in supporting a Malheur meet and
38:15
Speaker 1: greet in your city, if that's something you want and
38:18
Speaker 1: you can help us out on that, you can certainly
38:21
Speaker 1: contact us and we will consider any and all offers
38:24
Speaker 1: will be weighed based on the time, the logistics, the
38:28
Speaker 1: financial situation, all of that stuff. But I am more
38:32
Speaker 1: than open to going anywhere. I really want to see
38:34
Speaker 1: everyone and everything I can before my time is up.
38:38
Speaker 1: So I definitely want to get to all these places.
38:39
Speaker 1: And finally, to everyone, and this is the most important part,
38:43
Speaker 1: to everyone who did travel from near, far, or, you know,
38:48
Speaker 1: my guy, Billy, who I was so happy to meet Billy. Billy,
38:51
Speaker 1: a guy that has been calling the show for years.
38:53
Speaker 1: He's lived all over the country. His dream is to
38:56
Speaker 1: work in sports. And it was so great to put
39:00
Speaker 1: a face to the voice. And, and he lived literally,
39:05
Speaker 1: he said right down the street from the steak out
39:08
Speaker 1: bar and grill. And so that that's about as close
39:10
Speaker 1: as you can get. And so thank you to him
39:14
Speaker 1: and to everyone else. Uh, you didn't have to show up,
39:18
Speaker 1: you know, nobody charged you a ticket, but you, you got,
39:21
Speaker 1: you got the free parking and not, not on the strip,
39:25
Speaker 1: but with us and in Vegas, free parking alone is
39:27
Speaker 1: a significant, perk, I believe. And you came because somehow
39:35
Speaker 1: through all these many years of the ancient art of gasbaggery,
39:40
Speaker 1: the strange, bizarre cult of the Malheur Militia on the overnight,
39:46
Speaker 1: the radio fraternity, We do have a little community. It's
39:49
Speaker 1: a dysfunctional community. We bust each other's balls. We bust
39:52
Speaker 1: our chops, and we poke fun at each other. The
39:55
Speaker 1: microphones are on. The gas bagging begins. You listen. We argue,
39:59
Speaker 1: and we have a good time. And every once in
40:03
Speaker 1: a while, we meet up on the second floor of
40:07
Speaker 1: a bar in Vegas. We eat some questionable food. We
40:12
Speaker 1: sing karaoke. We hand out hats. and exchange premium condiments.
40:18
Speaker 1: That is the Mauler Militia, baby. And based on how
40:23
Speaker 1: things went last Saturday, the wellness check, we're still alive.
40:27
Speaker 1: We're loud. We're proud. We're still a bunch of wackadoodles.
40:30
Speaker 1: And I love every wacky thing about this group. And
40:34
Speaker 1: we are still in the air everywhere. And we will
40:40
Speaker 1: chat with you later. Tomorrow, tomorrow, more tales from the
40:46
Speaker 1: Naked City on the next edition of the Fifth Hour.
40:49
Speaker 1: Enjoy the college football games tonight. I will be watching,
40:54
Speaker 1: and we'll talk to you next time. As Dick and
40:56
Speaker 1: Dayton would say, bye-bye.