Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #162 Favouritism

Transcript

#162 Favouritism · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: You actually touch on this children's perception.
• 0:02
  Speaker 2: It doesn't actually matter what we as a parents feel
• 0:04
  Speaker 2: or think, it's actually what our children perceive.
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: It's a happy family's podcast, the podcast for the time
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: poor parent, he yes wants answers.
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  Speaker 3: Now, So, Kylie, you're one of three daughters, the eldest
• 0:20
  Speaker 3: of three, it was a favorite in your family?
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  Speaker 1: Well, if you.
• 0:23
  Speaker 2: Asked my sisters, they would unequivocally tell you it was me.
• 0:26
  Speaker 3: Really, yeah, yep, they would Why is that what makes
• 0:30
  Speaker 3: them think that you were the favorite? Because you were
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  Speaker 3: the oldest, so you got to I was the.
• 0:34
  Speaker 2: Oldest, and so my mom and dad relied heavily on
• 0:37
  Speaker 2: me to do everything.
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  Speaker 4: It's not favoritism that slave labor would They think that
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  Speaker 4: was good?
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  Speaker 2: And their their perception was that, you know, Mum and
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  Speaker 2: dad looked to me for everything, and therefore I received
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: more attention, I received more liberties, and just in general,
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: I was I was sought after more.
• 1:00
  Speaker 4: I'm want a six and I reckon.
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  Speaker 3: Each one of us would say that we all felt
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  Speaker 3: like we were a favorite because mom and dad just
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  Speaker 3: indulged us all ridiculously. Oh, by the way, my name
• 1:08
  Speaker 3: is doctor Justin Courson. I'm the dad to six daughters
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  Speaker 3: with this wonderful woman beside me, missus. Happy Families, Kylie,
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  Speaker 3: I've written six books about having happy families, and this
• 1:17
  Speaker 3: podcast today is all about the topic of favoritism and
• 1:23
  Speaker 3: being being favorited or you know, having the kids feel
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  Speaker 3: like there's a favorite in the family.
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: Can I just say I did not feel like the favorite?
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  Speaker 4: I really no.
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  Speaker 3: So who did you think was the favorite one of
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  Speaker 3: your sisters obviously, or did you feel like.
• 1:36
  Speaker 4: There was a favorite?
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: No, I don't think I.
• 1:38
  Speaker 3: Did, okay, but they definitely had tall poppy syndrome definitely.
• 1:43
  Speaker 3: So this conversation has coming about because our kids have
• 1:46
  Speaker 3: been asking, well not asking, they've actually been accusing us
• 1:51
  Speaker 3: of having favorites. But the way they accused us is
• 1:53
  Speaker 3: quite funny because each of them says, well, I'm the favorite,
• 1:56
  Speaker 3: and that's why, like they sort of tell people got.
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: Their own reasons. They're taunting their sisters. They're like, now,
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  Speaker 2: you can't do that. That's what I do because I'm
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  Speaker 2: the favorite.
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  Speaker 3: And it was really funny at the start, but I've
• 2:07
  Speaker 3: actually kind of I don't like it, and I've asked
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  Speaker 3: them to stop it, because every now and again it's
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  Speaker 3: actually hurtful.
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  Speaker 4: Right If children.
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  Speaker 3: Feels as though mum or dad loves somebody more than me, that's.
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  Speaker 4: Kind of horrible.
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  Speaker 5: Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: I think when we're having moments of leberty, it's lots
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  Speaker 2: of fun. But you know, every now and again, somebody's
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: not having a great day, and those kinds of conversations
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: don't lend to happy families.
• 2:28
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 2:29
  Speaker 3: Two quick stories about that many many years ago, probably
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  Speaker 3: must have been fifteen years ago now, a friend of
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  Speaker 3: our family, in fact, one of my little brother's best mates.
• 2:39
  Speaker 3: He passed away unexpectedly. I think he was about twenty
• 2:42
  Speaker 3: twenty one years old something like that. He was hit
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  Speaker 3: by a car while he was riding a bike and
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  Speaker 3: tragically died.
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  Speaker 4: It was a very, very sad moment.
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  Speaker 3: And at the funeral, what was interesting is that every
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  Speaker 3: one of his siblings and even the parents stood up
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  Speaker 3: and as they made remarks about Joe, they talked about
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  Speaker 3: how Joe was the favorite baby of the family and
• 3:00
  Speaker 3: he was the favorite. There was this universal acknowledgment that
• 3:03
  Speaker 3: he was the baby and the favorite, and everyone was
• 3:05
  Speaker 3: cool with that. And I thought that was really interesting
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  Speaker 3: because I don't know if i'd feel the same way
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  Speaker 3: if I felt like there was a favorite in the house.
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  Speaker 3: Second story was a maid of mine Andrew, who shared
• 3:16
  Speaker 3: that he definitely felt like his sister was the favorite
• 3:20
  Speaker 3: in his home and as a child growing up, he
• 3:22
  Speaker 3: and his brother just hated it. So the sister got
• 3:24
  Speaker 3: to have braces. Not that anyone's got to really aspire
• 3:27
  Speaker 3: or dream, Oh, you're so lucky you've got braces. Like
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  Speaker 3: I know that that's an unusual thing to say, but
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  Speaker 3: that was how he felt.
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  Speaker 2: But I think from the kids perspective, there's this association with.
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  Speaker 1: The amount of money that spent.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, you care more about my sister than me, because
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  Speaker 3: I've got crooked teeth too, but you gave her the braces.
• 3:45
  Speaker 3: But by the way, interesting fact, studies show that we
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  Speaker 3: give braces to girls more than boys, really, and I
• 3:51
  Speaker 3: think that's because we care more about body image and
• 3:54
  Speaker 3: appearance for girls. I think we send a subtle message
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  Speaker 3: to girls about how they look anyway.
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  Speaker 4: But I think it's really interesting way we do that.
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  Speaker 3: Anyway, Andrew was just saying, never felt like I was
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  Speaker 3: the favorite, But then he sort of said I kind
• 4:05
  Speaker 3: of got around that though, because me and my dad
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  Speaker 3: were really close, like we played football. He was a
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  Speaker 3: good footballer and I was a good football and we
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  Speaker 3: had that connection. He's like, but my older brother, he
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  Speaker 3: just had nothing, no friends, didn't feel like he was
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  Speaker 3: a favorite in the family. He went on to live
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  Speaker 3: a reasonably happy life after all of that, but growing
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  Speaker 3: up was hard because he didn't feel like he was
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  Speaker 3: the favorite.
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  Speaker 1: It's tough, you know.
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  Speaker 2: I think in your book Twenty one Days to a
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  Speaker 2: Happier Family, you actually touch on this perception, children's perception.
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  Speaker 2: It doesn't actually matter what we as a parents feel
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: or think, it's actually what our children perceive and so
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: on both those stories as a perception. In the first
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  Speaker 2: family with Joe, there was a perception that Joe was
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  Speaker 2: a favorite, and the family were actually very vocal about
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  Speaker 2: it and okay, like it worked for their family. Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: But in the second story, there's obviously an acknowledgment and
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  Speaker 2: a feeling that I'm not the favorite.
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  Speaker 1: I feel left out.
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  Speaker 3: It's a definite taboo, Like people don't like to acknowledge
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  Speaker 3: that there's a favorite in the family, and they work
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  Speaker 3: very hard to not and I've got to be honest.
• 5:00
  Speaker 3: In our family, I don't want the kids to feel
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  Speaker 3: like there's a favorite. It's really important to me that
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  Speaker 3: they all feel like they're the favorite for different reasons.
• 5:08
  Speaker 3: So let's come back in a second, and we'll have
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  Speaker 3: a conversation about what we do when there's a sense
• 5:13
  Speaker 3: that favoritism's creeping in, and let's talk about what the
• 5:17
  Speaker 3: science says about whether it's actually going to be a problem.
• 5:20
  Speaker 4: It's the Happy Families Podcast.
• 5:23
  Speaker 6: Imagine a home where discipline got results without anyone having
• 5:26
  Speaker 6: to feel bad or in trouble. The do's and don'ts
• 5:28
  Speaker 6: of discipline as a webinar to help parents set limits
• 5:31
  Speaker 6: with love, compassion, and humanity. Find it now at Happy
• 5:35
  Speaker 6: families dot com, dot au slash shop.
• 5:37
  Speaker 3: We're talking favoritism on the Happy Families Podcast. Favoritism within
• 5:41
  Speaker 3: families and siblings. This is how Melinda handles the situation
• 5:45
  Speaker 3: in her house.
• 5:46
  Speaker 5: For me, I've got a girl and a boy, and
• 5:48
  Speaker 5: a step daughter and a stepson, and the overcompensation is
• 5:52
  Speaker 5: the tricky bit. Then I have to whisper it quietly
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  Speaker 5: into my daughter's erin and say I have to say
• 5:58
  Speaker 5: that he's the favorite while he's listening, but you know
• 6:00
  Speaker 5: you're my favorite, and give her a hug and a kiss,
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  Speaker 5: and she's happy with that she'll run off laughing thinking
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  Speaker 5: that it's true. And I'm not saying it's not true,
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  Speaker 5: because I actually do believe, you know that they are
• 6:11
  Speaker 5: all my favorite at different times, and it depends on
• 6:14
  Speaker 5: the situation.
• 6:15
  Speaker 2: We're talking favoritism on the podcast today and I thought
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  Speaker 2: we might, you know, kind of check in with what
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  Speaker 2: are some of the triggers that have children feeling like
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  Speaker 2: there's a sibling in the house that's the favorite.
• 6:27
  Speaker 3: Yeah, so you tapped into one a little bit earlier,
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  Speaker 3: and that's who gets the most money spent on them.
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: Yeah, totally.
• 6:31
  Speaker 3: Kids have got this fairness antenna, and it's like, oh,
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  Speaker 3: you always they get to do all those activities and
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  Speaker 3: they get to have this money spent on them, and you.
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  Speaker 4: Let them go and do stuff that I'm not allowed
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  Speaker 4: to do.
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  Speaker 2: Well, I think too when you kind of look at that,
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  Speaker 2: you know, the children that excel in a particular sport, Yeah, right,
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  Speaker 2: all of a sudden, you've got, you know, one child
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  Speaker 2: who is just an avid basketball player, and you know
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  Speaker 2: they're going places, and so obviously there's a lot of
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  Speaker 2: attention being given to this one child, whereas the other
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  Speaker 2: children actually interested in basketball at or not even a sport.
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  Speaker 3: Or they feel like they now have to be interested
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  Speaker 3: in it so that they can have a similar allocation
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  Speaker 3: of parental investment, whether it's dollars or time. But that
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  Speaker 3: kind of leads into the whole we're more likely, in fact,
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  Speaker 3: the research shows this. We're more likely to see kids
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  Speaker 3: as our favorite when they're easy to deal with, when
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  Speaker 3: they've got a personality that aligns with ours and we
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  Speaker 3: can just get along with them and have fun with them.
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  Speaker 3: Whereas and also the achievers, right whether it's on the
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  Speaker 3: sporting field or in an academic context or wherever it
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  Speaker 3: might be.
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  Speaker 4: The achievers, we love them because.
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  Speaker 3: We're so proud of them, and they make us look
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  Speaker 3: like we're great pairents even if we didn't do anything.
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  Speaker 4: They're just you know, that kid.
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  Speaker 3: But the kids that aren't achieving, the kids that are
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  Speaker 3: really struggling, dragging the chain, maybe a child who is
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  Speaker 3: not performing at school or even gets in a fair
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  Speaker 3: bit of strife, or the child who starts stuff and
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  Speaker 3: then quits and just has a bit of a depressive
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  Speaker 3: or challenging attitude, much less likely to be perceived as
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  Speaker 3: a favorite or perceive themselves as a favorite and struggle
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  Speaker 3: as a result.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, And I think personality plays a part in that.
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  Speaker 2: You know, when you look at the people that you
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: hang out with, even in the workplace, for instance, you're
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  Speaker 2: not going to be gravitating to every single person there.
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  Speaker 1: And it's the same in our families.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, which is why we had six, right, We
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  Speaker 3: want to make sure that we really liked at least
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  Speaker 3: one or two of them.
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  Speaker 4: I didn't.
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  Speaker 2: I did, But you know what I love is that
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  Speaker 2: we do have six children, and they've just all got
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: such different personalities. And I think that what I've loved
• 8:24
  Speaker 2: as a mother kind of watching them evolve is just
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  Speaker 2: how different they are, and as a result, my relationship
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  Speaker 2: with each of them is really different.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, personality clashes happen, but even with the easy to
• 8:36
  Speaker 3: get along with kids, there's still personality clashes.
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  Speaker 1: It can be started about our easy one.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, I mean this still happens.
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  Speaker 3: So whether they're easy or not, I guess that whole
• 8:45
  Speaker 3: perception thing though it really matters. The research is very
• 8:47
  Speaker 3: very clear there are pretty much no positives that come
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  Speaker 3: from favoritism as a general rule, So kids are more
• 8:53
  Speaker 3: likely to have low self esteem, they're more likely to
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  Speaker 3: act out aggressively, They're definitely more likely to resent their
• 8:59
  Speaker 3: siblings who's received as the favorite, you know, so it
• 9:02
  Speaker 3: creates that sibling conflict that's really significant. That sibling rivalry
• 9:05
  Speaker 3: really gets nasty. They're less likely to do well at school.
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  Speaker 3: I mean, you name it. The list of challenges that
• 9:11
  Speaker 3: come from feeling like you don't matter as much as
• 9:13
  Speaker 3: somebody else does in the family, it's definitely concerning. We've
• 9:17
  Speaker 3: got to do something to we've got to be alert
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  Speaker 3: to it so that we don't let it happen in
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  Speaker 3: our homes.
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I think intentional, be really intentional.
• 9:26
  Speaker 2: You know, there will be different times in our families.
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: Where there'll be a fire to put out.
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  Speaker 2: There'll be a child who needs our time, attention and
• 9:36
  Speaker 2: love more than the other children. But in those times
• 9:39
  Speaker 2: and spaces, it's so important that we're really intentional with
• 9:42
  Speaker 2: our other children, and as we build individual, authentic relationships
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: with each of them, regardless of where our time and
• 9:52
  Speaker 2: energy are spent, our children will fell loved and appreciated
• 9:56
  Speaker 2: and accepted.
• 9:57
  Speaker 3: Yeah, that just reminds me of I mean, I don't
• 10:00
  Speaker 3: do much one on one work with families now. It's
• 10:02
  Speaker 3: mainly in talks and books and the podcast and that
• 10:05
  Speaker 3: kind of thing. But I was recently having a conversation
• 10:07
  Speaker 3: with a mum who was having just an awfully hard time.
• 10:10
  Speaker 3: She's got a teenage daughter, she's got a son self
• 10:15
  Speaker 3: harm really big issue with the teenage daughter, and the
• 10:18
  Speaker 3: son started to become resentful because the teenage daughter is
• 10:21
  Speaker 3: getting all of the attention, but right now she's got
• 10:24
  Speaker 3: a really bad need. She really needs the attention of
• 10:27
  Speaker 3: her parents. But the son became resentful. He's like, no,
• 10:30
  Speaker 3: this isn't fair. And what I talked to the parents
• 10:32
  Speaker 3: about in this situation was, imagine you've got a couple
• 10:35
  Speaker 3: of houses in a coulder sack. You own the two houses,
• 10:37
  Speaker 3: the only two properties at the end of this little
• 10:39
  Speaker 3: cul de sac. You look after them both beautifully, but
• 10:43
  Speaker 3: then one of them there's a fire. You run to
• 10:46
  Speaker 3: that house and you put that fire out, and then
• 10:48
  Speaker 3: you restore the house as best you can. And maybe
• 10:50
  Speaker 3: you can talk to your son about how the two
• 10:52
  Speaker 3: kids are like that. They're like those two houses. But
• 10:54
  Speaker 3: if there's a house on fire, you don't just let
• 10:56
  Speaker 3: it burn down. You do your very best to save it,
• 10:59
  Speaker 3: and maybe he can be involved in that saving. You
• 11:03
  Speaker 3: participate in saving the house, either by just not winging
• 11:06
  Speaker 3: about the fact that the big sisters getting all the attention,
• 11:09
  Speaker 3: or by being an active contributor to building up the relationship.
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  Speaker 3: I thought that was just a really interesting metaphor to
• 11:14
  Speaker 3: highlight that just because you're spending time on somebody doesn't
• 11:18
  Speaker 3: make them the favorite.
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  Speaker 4: But it also highlights that our kids can sometimes perceive
• 11:21
  Speaker 4: it to be like that.
• 11:22
  Speaker 3: You know, you have a brand new baby and the
• 11:24
  Speaker 3: child's screaming and crying, and everyone's like, well, you pay
• 11:26
  Speaker 3: all this attention to the.
• 11:27
  Speaker 4: Baby, but they're a baby.
• 11:28
  Speaker 3: It makes sense, and so we've got to be able
• 11:31
  Speaker 3: to help our kids to know that when one child
• 11:33
  Speaker 3: is getting more attention and love and favoritism than the other,
• 11:36
  Speaker 3: that sometimes there are good reasons for it.
• 11:38
  Speaker 4: We just need to make sure it balance is out.
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: We hope you enjoyed the podcast today.
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: If you do enjoy our podcast, please visit Apple Podcasts
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: and leave a rating and review. It's the reviews that
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: help people find the podcast to have happier families.
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: We're really excited to hear from Carly five Stars.
• 11:57
  Speaker 3: I'm just going to say thank you, Carly five Stars.
• 11:59
  Speaker 3: Appreciate that we really like the five star reviews. I
• 12:02
  Speaker 3: don't know if I can be any clearer about that.
• 12:04
  Speaker 4: Live stars five stars are good. We like that. But
• 12:07
  Speaker 4: Carlie lift us a message as well.
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: She said, These short conversations between Justin and his wife
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: are packed with useful information and tips to help you
• 12:14
  Speaker 2: build stronger and happier relationships within your own family.
• 12:18
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 12:18
  Speaker 3: Awesome, Thanks so much, Carlie. We really appreciate the rating
• 12:21
  Speaker 3: and review that you left. We would love to hear
• 12:23
  Speaker 3: from you podcasts at Happy Families dot com dot you,
• 12:27
  Speaker 3: or of course you can leave that rating and review
• 12:28
  Speaker 3: at Apple Podcasts. We appreciate that the Happy Families podcast
• 12:32
  Speaker 3: is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media, and our
• 12:35
  Speaker 3: executive producer is Craig Bruce. If you'd like more about
• 12:37
  Speaker 3: how we can help make your family happier, you can
• 12:39
  Speaker 3: find us on Instagram.
• 12:40
  Speaker 4: You can find us on.
• 12:42
  Speaker 3: Facebook dot Justin Coulson's Happy Families and Happy Families dot
• 12:46
  Speaker 3: com dot U is where you can find all the
• 12:48
  Speaker 3: info you need to help your family to flourish and thrive.
• 12:52
  Speaker 4: Thanks for listening.