Latest / You Didn't Ask For This / 25 | Comrade Danny Ocean

Transcript

25 | Comrade Danny Ocean · You Didn't Ask For This

• 0:00
  Matt: Eric, do you have any strong opinions or beliefs uh on bingo?
• 0:06
  Eric: As in B I N Gio.
• 0:08
  Eric: Yeah, there was a farmer who had a dog and that was a dog.
• 0:11
  Matt: No, no, no, not the dog.
• 0:12
  Matt: Fuck that dog.
• 0:12
  Matt: No, no, no.
• 0:13
  Matt: I'm talking about the game bingo.
• 0:16
  Matt: I am talking about the gambling racket that is streaming through the bloodstream of this country.
• 0:25
  Matt: I feel like there's a for years now, Eric.
• 0:30
  Matt: Uh-huh.
• 0:31
  Matt: For years.
• 0:31
  Matt: Here we go.
• 0:32
  Matt: Ever since I started dating Lindsay Barr.
• 0:37
  Eric: Known bingo addict.
• 0:40
  Matt: No, no.
• 0:40
  Matt: Her parents, on the other hand, play a lot of bingo.
• 0:45
  Matt: And I was the first time I was taken to a bingo hall was life-altering.
• 0:52
  Matt: And I want to know have you ever been in a bingo hall?
• 0:56
  Matt: Oh yes.
• 0:58
  Matt: Isn't it?
• 0:59
  Matt: I am absolutely ooh.
• 1:02
  Matt: Ooh, I am absolutely obsessed with the culture.
• 1:09
  Matt: That is a bingo hall.
• 1:12
  Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 1:13
  Eric: You're you're you're I I know where your head's at.
• 1:15
  Eric: Um and it's in the right place because like my my grandmother, uh my mom's mom, passed away like years and years ago.
• 1:22
  Eric: Uh avid bingo player.
• 1:28
  Eric: Had had several of those like canisters of like that pro marking shit.
• 1:34
  Eric: Yes.
• 1:34
  Eric: Yeah.
• 1:35
  Matt: And like my mother-in-law has like a whole system of color coding and and things that she that she does, and she has like luck charms that go out.
• 1:45
  Matt: And they'll get so first of all, it is so expensive to play bingo for like a whole night.
• 1:51
  Matt: You get all these cards, and the p this is the thing I one of the many things that I can't get over about bingo.
• 1:59
  Matt: If you uh have bingo, since you cannot uh the the rule, the golden rule, is you cannot call bingo before the caller has actually called the number because it goes up on that screen first.
• 2:15
  Matt: Oh so they've got a camera on the ball, and you see the next ball, but you can't call bingo before it happens.
• 2:23
  Matt: But somewhere in the bingo hall, somebody's gonna have bingo.
• 2:27
  Matt: And they must have some, ooh, some fucking irksome grin on their face.
• 2:34
  Eric: Smug motherfucker.
• 2:36
  Matt: Some smug look.
• 2:37
  Matt: And somebody gets a look at that, and somewhere, someone, one solitary soul, will rip off, will begin to rip off the card that they're currently working on.
• 2:48
  Matt: And as soon as that happens, a wave, like a tidal wave of ripping begins and it consumes the whole hall.
• 2:56
  Matt: And I am left there going, how do you know?
• 2:59
  Matt: How do you know?
• 3:00
  Matt: Before the caller goes, G52.
• 3:03
  Matt: And then everyone's like, oh fuck, when the guy's like, ha ha, bingo.
• 3:08
  Matt: Oh.
• 3:10
  Matt: I also won bingo once.
• 3:12
  Matt: Once I got a good bingo in this whole thing, and everyone, all of these elderly eyes, looked at me with disdain as I walked up from my DVD basket.
• 3:25
  Eric: What DVDs were in the world?
• 3:27
  Eric: I don't remember, man.
• 3:28
  Eric: I guarantee it.
• 3:31
  Matt: There was like two shitty movies and like a bag of popcorn.
• 3:36
  Eric: Yep.
• 3:36
  Matt: Uh, but and you know, most of this is held by like churches or or like a retirement home type situation.
• 3:44
  Eric: The American Legion.
• 3:46
  Matt: Yes, and like theoretically, all the money that you're spending and gambling, because that is what you're doing, uh, all of that's going to like a a good cause in some capacity, or at least supporting a community organization, if nothing else.
• 4:04
  Matt: But then there are the like professional bingo halls.
• 4:08
  Matt: There is a huge one in Laurel, Maryland, near where we l where I live, called Delta Bingo.
• 4:14
  Matt: It's this giant red corporation.
• 4:17
  Matt: They're all over the place, as far as I know.
• 4:20
  Matt: And I went in there once, once, to try to see if I could, if they had like a gift shop or something, that I could get something bingo themed for my mother-in-law for a gift.
• 4:30
  Matt: And when I went inside, all I saw was like a casino version of big of bingo.
• 4:37
  Matt: It was it was first of all, it was huge, like the like the length of like two football fields.
• 4:43
  Eric: Jeez.
• 4:43
  Eric: Oh yeah, oh yeah.
• 4:44
  Eric: Like the the amount of bodies they will pack into that single space.
• 4:48
  Eric: Oh, oh, too many.
• 4:49
  Eric: Too many for COVID, I'll tell you that right now.
• 4:51
  Eric: And have you ever noticed because like I would go to the bingo hall with my grandma when I was like real little, and this is back when like you could still smoke indoors, so like there'd be like basically still happening in bingo land.
• 5:03
  Eric: Yeah, nicotine-stained walls and like this fucking haze hanging over the room.
• 5:07
  Eric: Uh, all the ladies with like their totes and like the tote game is so strong for some of these.
• 5:14
  Eric: Very strong with this one.
• 5:15
  unknown: God.
• 5:16
  Matt: And now that has been replaced by when you get to the intermission that happens, it's just a flood of people going out to the parking lot for that sweet, sweet nicotine.
• 5:28
  Matt: Oh and then they and then they f just rush back in.
• 5:33
  Matt: Yeah.
• 5:33
  Matt: Like like a concert venue just around the doors.
• 5:37
  Eric: I have seen human beings dragging their oxygen, oxygen tanks behind them.
• 5:42
  Matt: The w the the sheer war to get to a preferred t fold-out table.
• 5:48
  Eric: God help you, if you take someone's table.
• 5:50
  Eric: Because everyone's got a table.
• 5:51
  Eric: They're not later.
• 5:53
  Matt: Everybody's got a table.
• 5:54
  Eric: Got their fucking table.
• 5:56
  Matt: There are so many rules.
• 5:57
  Matt: I want to write a whole play about the the society that is bingo goers.
• 6:04
  Eric: The game of thrones, the game of bingos.
• 6:08
  Matt: Do you think you would be a good bingo caller?
• 6:12
  Eric: Oh, hell yeah.
• 6:13
  Eric: I was about to say, if you were to ask me player, hell no.
• 6:16
  Matt: Caller.
• 6:17
  Eric: Hell yes.
• 6:19
  Matt: To take us down a side tangent of what I want to be when I grow up yet again.
• 6:23
  Matt: Yeah.
• 6:24
  Matt: I think uh becoming some celebrity bingo caller in the in the bingo.
• 6:31
  Matt: Yep.
• 6:31
  Matt: Uh in the bingo culture.
• 6:33
  Eric: Yep.
• 6:33
  Matt: Because it is a little like sports casting.
• 6:35
  Matt: Because I get up there and I uh, you know, I'm sitting at the table, I've got my mother-in-law's dabbers, and I'm sitting there going, I'm I'm observing the frankly untrained bingo caller at the front of the room, who is who is not in not in the best of voice tonight.
• 6:55
  Matt: That'll I'll put it that way.
• 6:56
  Matt: Eating the mic.
• 6:58
  Matt: He's just he's just eating the mic.
• 7:00
  Matt: He seems, you know, his attitude is sour.
• 7:03
  Matt: It's as if he's been inconvenienced to be at the front of the room.
• 7:07
  Matt: Well, he is a bingo caller.
• 7:08
  Matt: But yet he has well, that's what I'm saying.
• 7:11
  Matt: You hold a power.
• 7:12
  Matt: If I was the bingo caller, uh take the example I used earlier about the the number showing up early.
• 7:20
  Matt: If I was there and I heard that little ripple, you better believe I'm gonna be going, uh, excuse me.
• 7:28
  Matt: Excuse me, I should not be hearing any.
• 7:30
  Matt: I can wait.
• 7:31
  Matt: I can I'll wait.
• 7:33
  Matt: We'll all wait.
• 7:35
  Matt: Deborah.
• 7:36
  Eric: Bring that substitute teacher energy into it.
• 7:39
  Matt: We'll all wait.
• 7:40
  Matt: We'll all wait.
• 7:42
  Matt: Thank you.
• 7:44
  Matt: B12.
• 7:46
  Matt: That's a good bingo.
• 7:47
  Matt: And that's another thing.
• 7:48
  Matt: Somebody I absolutely this is my very favorite part.
• 7:50
  Matt: And I would ooh, I would really, really, if I was the caller, lean into this.
• 7:55
  Matt: Because then there's the check.
• 7:57
  Matt: There's the nail-biting climax of them checking the numbers.
• 8:02
  Matt: Some poor soul in a polo goes over, holds up the thing, reads the numbers to the caller, and the then the caller is looking at their screen.
• 8:12
  Matt: Do you do you know this moment that I'm talking about?
• 8:13
  Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 8:14
  Eric: Yeah, yeah.
• 8:14
  Matt: They're confirming the kill.
• 8:16
  Matt: They're confirming the kill.
• 8:17
  Matt: They're looking at their numbers, and then eventually the guy gives a long, long dramatic pause and finally goes, That's a good bingo.
• 8:25
  Matt: That's a good bingo.
• 8:26
  Matt: And then and then everybody rips off their all of the things.
• 8:28
  Matt: Yes.
• 8:29
  Matt: There's claps.
• 8:30
  Eric: There's polite but but but annoyed claps.
• 8:33
  Eric: See, do you know what spin I would put on it?
• 8:36
  Eric: Tell me.
• 8:36
  Eric: Uh when when when someone called, like, I would be up there like pontificating, and I'm like, B14, I 11.
• 8:44
  Eric: And then when someone dares, like, bingo! I would like accusingly point my finger at him.
• 8:50
  Eric: I would go, who steps forward?
• 8:53
  Eric: Who has said it?
• 8:54
  Eric: Who has spoken?
• 8:56
  Eric: Who's laid claim to the bingo?
• 8:58
  Eric: And I send like a raggedy page boy, like hands quivering as they like and then like what they'll look up to me.
• 9:06
  Eric: I'm staring down imperiously from the dais.
• 9:09
  Eric: You have a hood.
• 9:09
  Eric: You have some hood, a darkened hood.
• 9:12
  Eric: And and and when they look up and like it is as they foretold.
• 9:18
  Eric: It is a bingo.
• 9:19
  Eric: And that's when I would like draw my hood back and be like, by the gods.
• 9:24
  Eric: It's a good bingo.
• 9:26
  Eric: It's a good bingo.
• 9:27
  Eric: It's a good bingo.
• 9:29
  Eric: Give on to them the MASH DVD set.
• 9:34
  Eric: Mash season one is yours, player.
• 9:37
  Eric: Note that the bonus disc is missing.
• 9:40
  Eric: It was donated.
• 9:41
  Matt: So it was, and so it shall be.
• 9:44
  Matt: Gold.
• 9:46
  Matt: Next, four corners.
• 10:00
  Matt: Hello, and welcome to the twenty fifth episode of You Didn't Ask for This, a podcast answering all of life's least pressing questions.
• 10:09
  Matt: My name is Matt Shea.
• 10:11
  Matt: My name's Eric Poach.
• 10:12
  Matt: And joining us today, we have a very special guest.
• 10:16
  Matt: Oh shit.
• 10:17
  Matt: Hold on.
• 10:18
  Matt: Megan, we didn't talk about how you want to be introduced.
• 10:20
  Eric: Oh, that this is great.
• 10:21
  Eric: Oh no, you're being introduced right now, Megan.
• 10:23
  Eric: This is it.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_08: Yeah, this is fine.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_08: I was just thinking to myself that even though it was on the Google Calendar invite, I didn't realize this is the 25th episode.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_08: That's a really big, that's a big that's a round number.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_08: That's an important number.
• 10:34
  Matt: That's why we had you on as the the uh as a marquee guest for this particular episode.
• 10:42
  Matt: Anyway, uh I'm getting the strange feeling everything that's being recorded right now is getting kept.
• 10:47
  Matt: So this is Megan Stanton.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_07: This is Megan Stanton! Yay! Who played my wife?
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_08: That happened.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_08: Yes, that did happen.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_08: We played Wax and then we played uh Rivals immediately afterward.
• 11:02
  Eric: Yes.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_08: Immediately afterward.
• 11:06
  Eric: They really overlapped those rehearsal processes.
• 11:09
  Eric: Oh, yes.
• 11:10
  Eric: And what what a whiplash that was for an actor going from the cerebral depths of Walt Disney to fucking incredibly dead.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_08: To clarify for the listener who may not know, uh what Eric is talking about is that uh we were in two shows together back to back.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_08: In one of which I played his 1950s black and white housewife, like fully the skirt with the pockets, and there's a lot more to the show.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_08: But then immediately afterward, I played a lady.
• 11:41
  Matt: Thank you.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_08: Yes, there were more layers.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_08: And then immediately afterward, I played a lady in a leather corset with a gun who shot people, including Eric's brother, in a different show.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_08: So it was like a pretty firm crisscross of intentions and motivations that we had to do in like a six-week time period.
• 12:02
  Eric: We're really fucking good at what we do.
• 12:04
  Eric: It's true.
• 12:04
  Matt: Like so anyway, Megan's an actor.
• 12:07
  Eric: Uh and Eric is what, Matthew?
• 12:12
  Matt: Uh it's a great fucking question, my friend.
• 12:15
  Matt: Still trying to figure that out.
• 12:17
  Matt: Hey, we've got barbs and jabs.
• 12:21
  Matt: Anyway, that was a sloppy introduction of you, but uh anything else that you'd like to put on to your title that we haven't covered?
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_08: No, probably not.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_08: You know.
• 12:32
  Matt: Okay, great.
• 12:33
  Matt: Probably for the best at this juncture.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_08: Yeah.
• 12:35
  Matt: You know, we you know, in general, self-confidence doesn't go far on this show, so that's good.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_08: I mean, it's not gonna take anybody anywhere.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_08: If I were to talk about myself, it would just mean that the government would find me faster.
• 12:47
  Matt: Absolutely.
• 12:48
  Matt: So, anyway, Megan, on this show, as you know very well, uh, for a very special reason, uh, you helped, in a way, found this podcast.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_08: Mm-hmm.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_08: Who knew that my stray Facebook comment would result in an actual podcast that's gone on for 25 episodes?
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_08: It's what a time.
• 13:07
  Matt: Yes.
• 13:08
  Matt: We are we are coming dangerously close to our one year mark uh coming up in just a few short weeks.
• 13:16
  Matt: Eric is physically ill because of this.
• 13:20
  Eric: And I'm also physically ill.
• 13:23
  Eric: I have been praying to a god for the past three days, and his name is Alka Seltzer Cold Tablets.
• 13:30
  Matt: Do they work for you?
• 13:32
  Eric: They work so well for me.
• 13:33
  Eric: It's unbelievable.
• 13:34
  Matt: Okay, well, hold on a second.
• 13:35
  Matt: You said you you had like a sinus infection.
• 13:37
  Matt: Alka seltzer is for indigestion last I can.
• 13:41
  Eric: Oh, no, no, no.
• 13:42
  Eric: Like they make sinus and cold ones.
• 13:44
  Eric: Like they they use they are like that medicine has always just kicked so much ass for me.
• 13:51
  Eric: So are the bubbles full of drugs?
• 13:53
  Eric: Oh, yes.
• 13:54
  Eric: Copious, copious amounts of drugs, Megan.
• 13:57
  Eric: Cool.
• 13:58
  Matt: Nice.
• 13:59
  Eric: I don't even know what year it is.
• 14:02
  Matt: He doesn't remember signing up for this podcast in any in any capacity.
• 14:07
  Matt: Uh but at any rate, you did inspire this show and actually its original incarnation when we were just going to do our um unlikely fights every episode.
• 14:20
  Eric: Can I just say, can I just I know I say this every time I'm remote, thank God.
• 14:25
  Matt: Yeah.
• 14:25
  Eric: Well, you know what I mean?
• 14:26
  Eric: Thank God.
• 14:27
  Matt: I do because we did a test episode, as I think we've shared on this show before.
• 14:33
  Matt: And at the end of the test episode, the two of us went, I don't know how we do this concept every show.
• 14:40
  Eric: Oh, the problem is like the concept is so good.
• 14:42
  Matt: It's just like I don't know it was so good.
• 14:46
  Matt: We did it in episode three of the real show and haven't done it again since.
• 14:53
  Matt: But we will.
• 14:54
  Matt: We have some good suggestions.
• 14:56
  Matt: Uh, and of course, send your unlikely fights to you didn't ask for this at gmail.com.
• 15:00
  Matt: Anyway, Megan, do you, as our uh our our our our inspiration, our museum?
• 15:08
  Matt: Our muse.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_08: My goodness.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_08: Let me clutch my pearls for a moment.
• 15:13
  Matt: Do you have any uh questions uh that these two idiots can help solve for you?
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_08: I do.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_08: I do have a couple of questions.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_08: I'm gonna start with one um that I think is gonna feel like a cliched question uh when I pose it to you.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_08: But I have a defense of the.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_08: I mean, is but you know, you guys you follow your paths, you follow your things that you do, and I'm trying to keep find something that's open enough for us to really like get down into the bottom of it.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_08: So that question is Yes.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_08: What is the perfect crime?
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_08: Now, in my mind, this is a two-part question.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_08: Part one being, what is the best crime that you would have to do?
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_08: The best crime.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_08: The best crime.
• 15:58
  Eric: I love it.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_08: And part two being, how would you perfectly commit said crime?
• 16:05
  Matt: Oh, wow.
• 16:06
  Matt: That is now this is a a a brain teaser.
• 16:09
  Matt: Yes.
• 16:10
  Eric: So the three of us are on a caper.
• 16:12
  Eric: We're on a caper.
• 16:13
  Eric: So we're going to commit the best crime.
• 16:15
  Eric: I'm the best crime.
• 16:16
  Matt: We're a crew, we we're a crew now.
• 16:18
  Eric: We're a crew.
• 16:19
  Eric: Um the best crime.
• 16:21
  Eric: So for me, best crime suggests maximum profit with minimum harm to other human beings.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_08: I like minimum harm to other human beings, but maximum we're assigning value already to like what is the best.
• 16:35
  Matt: I think I think there's an element of fun that needs to be.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_08: No, there is true fun.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_07: Tom foolery.
• 16:40
  Matt: Uh yeah, yeah.
• 16:41
  Matt: Daring do.
• 16:42
  Matt: Yeah, because like I don't, I don't think um uh, and this uh no offense to any of our blue-collar crime listeners.
• 16:49
  Matt: I don't think some of this blue, you know, cooking the books, that's not that's not fun.
• 16:54
  Matt: That's not that's not the best crime.
• 16:55
  Matt: If anything, that's the easiest crime.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_08: Accounting crime?
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_08: That's not your that's not your jam?
• 16:59
  Matt: No, I don't think it makes my crime hall of fame, no.
• 17:02
  unknown: No.
• 17:03
  Eric: And to be clear, you said blue collar crimes, and then what I meant was white-collar crimes.
• 17:10
  Matt: That's the perfect crime.
• 17:12
  Eric: Putting it on the pores.
• 17:15
  Eric: No.
• 17:17
  Eric: No, they've been committing that one for centuries.
• 17:20
  Eric: Jesus.
• 17:21
  Matt: No, I I did mean I did mean white-collar crime.
• 17:25
  Matt: I did get confused.
• 17:26
  Matt: That's fine.
• 17:27
  Matt: Oops.
• 17:28
  Eric: Oopsie.
• 17:29
  Matt: Uh so thank you for uh correcting me.
• 17:32
  Matt: Both of you.
• 17:33
  Matt: Yeah.
• 17:34
  Matt: Anytime.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_08: Welcome to getting teamed up on the podcast.
• 17:38
  Matt: Yeah.
• 17:39
  Matt: Um I'm used to it.
• 17:41
  Matt: It's happened with every guest.
• 17:42
  Eric: We we shouldn't assign like monetary value to it.
• 17:45
  Eric: That's true, because crimes can be done for satisfaction.
• 17:48
  Eric: There's like that.
• 17:49
  Eric: Yeah.
• 17:49
  Eric: There's like like cat burglars who steal famous paintings just because they're not.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_08: If I was a part of this oceans three.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_08: I was just gonna say.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_08: I would be in it for the shenanigans.
• 18:02
  Matt: I do think that the I was also just about to say we're looking for an Ocean's 11 level of fun and end level of casualties, which is to say, as far as I can recall, zero.
• 18:16
  Matt: And the and the only real victim of Danny Ocean's escapades is capitalism.
• 18:22
  Matt: So I think we can all agree that uh he's a a model criminal for all of us.
• 18:28
  Matt: Comrade Danny Ocean.
• 18:30
  Matt: Here we go.
• 18:32
  Matt: Comrade Danny Ocean.
• 18:34
  Matt: Fuck.
• 18:35
  Matt: Absolutely, absolutely.
• 18:37
  Matt: Um yeah, I do so I do think there is but so in the Oceans 11 style genre of crime, yes, ultimately it is about getting that sweet, sweet green, but really it's about the fun we had along the way.
• 18:54
  Matt: It's about the friends we made along the way, is it not?
• 18:57
  Eric: It's about the audacity.
• 18:59
  Eric: Yes, you know what I mean?
• 19:00
  Eric: Yes, like the absolute mad lads.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_08: Because if the Ocean's Leaven crew could do what they did, there were like one million easier crimes that they could have done between what they did, like between Zero and the plan.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_08: So there has there's a level of theatricality that's required.
• 19:22
  Eric: It's my something's gonna make headlines.
• 19:24
  Matt: I would love to see the Ocean's 11.
• 19:29
  Matt: So for Ocean's 14, get the band back together, R.I.P.
• 19:33
  Matt: Bernie Mac, and they pull off a robbery of a McDonald's.
• 19:40
  Matt: That would be, I think, a fitting situation, but but keep the same level of hijinks.
• 19:45
  Matt: Like the same level of prep that they have to do.
• 19:48
  Eric: But see, it's cost them more to rob the McDonald's than they will make from robbing the McDonald's.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_08: My challenge to that would be make it about robbing McDonald's corporate headquarters, which I don't even know where it would be, but taking all that good, good burger money away from those.
• 20:07
  Eric: Go to the McDonald's safe.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_08: Yes, exactly.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_08: That I would have to assume is yellow and has a hamburglar on the front of it.
• 20:13
  Matt: I was gonna say it's protected by the hamburglar.
• 20:16
  Matt: So are we we didn't think he was real, but he's real.
• 20:19
  Matt: Oh, he's real, and he's in the basement level two.
• 20:23
  Eric: But are so are we looking for like a Robin Hood-esque scenario?
• 20:28
  Eric: We steal a fuck ton of money and redistribute it.
• 20:31
  Eric: We set a classic and give it to the workers somehow.
• 20:36
  Eric: Um so the question becomes who are we knocking over?
• 20:41
  Eric: Mitch McConnell immediately comes to mind.
• 20:43
  Matt: Well, I mean, why not?
• 20:46
  Matt: That's a great option.
• 20:47
  Matt: Because it seems like every no one's uh just quick temperature check.
• 20:51
  Matt: No one wants to talk about uh murder as fun, uh, right?
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_08: I mean, I'm not saying I do.
• 20:58
  Matt: I'm just saying I'm just asking where you guys are at with murder and the fun scale.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_08: I think we could plumb the depths of a justifiable homicide.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_08: You you know Matthew, perhaps better than anyone, that I would be down for that conversation.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_08: Okay, okay.
• 21:12
  Matt: Uh yeah, again, I'm not suggesting that that is a uh quote unquote fun crime.
• 21:19
  Matt: I'm just asking how the other people in this podcast room feel.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_08: I think I think the thing that makes it because the thing is when people talk about the perfect crime, I feel like most of the time what they're talking about is getting away with murder.
• 21:31
  Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 21:33
  Eric: Which is fair.
• 21:34
  Eric: Which I I I'm just gonna like side tangent real quick.
• 21:37
  Eric: One of the best quotes I've ever heard in my life was came from my friend Willard, who once said, and I quote, it's a victimless crime, like punching someone in the dark.
• 21:52
  Matt: What's all that's all I wanted to add to this conversation real quick?
• 21:56
  Matt: That is uh Unfortunately, I'm forced to ask follow up questions.
• 22:00
  Matt: That is not a victimless crime at all.
• 22:02
  Eric: No, it's a victimless.
• 22:04
  Eric: Matthew.
• 22:05
  Matt: It might be a blameless crime.
• 22:07
  Matt: There's no one to blame.
• 22:09
  Matt: Maybe that's the perfect crime.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_08: The perfect crime is one that no one can tell you did.
• 22:15
  Eric: Yeah.
• 22:16
  Eric: So we've established that the perfect crime is punching someone in the dark.
• 22:20
  Eric: But it's too easy.
• 22:21
  Eric: It's too perfect.
• 22:23
  Eric: Too pure.
• 22:24
  Eric: Much like the founding fathers, we can go more perfect for this union.
• 22:29
  Eric: Okay, yes.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_08: Um is it no, I think we've arrived at something.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_08: Is it about a victimless crime or a blameless crime?
• 22:42
  Eric: I think for the perfect crime, because crime by definition has a victim.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_07: Sure.
• 22:49
  Eric: But what but I but either either I think it is blameless in the sense that we have no idea who did it, or it is blameless in the sense that everyone knows, but no one's gonna do shit about it.
• 23:02
  Eric: I would say vi I'm not sure.
• 23:04
  Matt: I think I have to give you pushback that not all crime has a victim.
• 23:08
  Matt: Like technically, in some areas of this country, oh well, hold on, I countered my own argument before I said it.
• 23:14
  Matt: The in some areas of this country, marijuana is still outlawed in all uh forms, like even medically.
• 23:22
  Eric: So oh yeah, yeah.
• 23:24
  Matt: So technically, but it but somebody who is pro that stupid law would say to me, but then you're the victim.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_08: Mary Jane's coming for you.
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_08: That's what they would say.
• 23:35
  Eric: You've been smoking the jazz cabbage, kid.
• 23:39
  Eric: Been hitting the Johnny right eye.
• 23:41
  Matt: Yes.
• 23:41
  Matt: The jazz cabbage.
• 23:43
  Matt: That's a new one.
• 23:43
  Matt: I've always I've heard jazz cigarettes, but yeah, jazz cigarettes is my favorite term.
• 23:48
  Eric: It needs to be a crime in which blame is becomes, I guess at a certain point, like irrelevant.
• 23:56
  Matt: Blame is due, but blame is due.
• 23:58
  Matt: Blame is due, but no one can figure out where it belongs.
• 24:02
  Eric: No one can figure out where wrongs, or again, everybody knows, but it was too good for them to be mad about it.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_08: Yeah, or the Robin Hood scenario, where everyone is like, we all kinda know, but no one's talking.
• 24:16
  Eric: And and and and let me kind of take you on my my brain journey here.
• 24:20
  Eric: I'm imagining like higher and higher profile people to be the quote victim of this crime.
• 24:25
  Eric: I feel like the higher the profile of the victim, like the the more adorable the stakes need to be.
• 24:32
  Eric: For example, let me hit you with this hypothetical.
• 24:35
  Eric: We kidnapped Queen Elizabeth's corgis.
• 24:41
  Eric: And we post adorable pictures of them of them with us on our social media before returning them, like, and then returning them before they even realize they are gone.
• 24:52
  Matt: Okay, that might be the key to the whole thing.
• 24:54
  Matt: Because I was gonna say, I don't remember I don't know how much you know about uh people on the internet, but uh Lady Gaga's dog kidnapping is a perfect example of how quickly the internet will track your ass down.
• 25:09
  SPEAKER_08: To be fair though, Lady Gaga's dog walker also got shot.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_08: So there was a little more crime involved in that crime.
• 25:17
  Matt: Okay, I was focusing on the important thing, which is the dogs were taken.
• 25:21
  Matt: This is fair, but this is a fair point.
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_08: But so what you're saying, what you're proposing, Eric, as the perfect crime is that we babysit Queen Elizabeth's corgis for a couple of hours.
• 25:34
  Eric: An unsanctioned corgi babysitting.
• 25:37
  Eric: Uh-huh.
• 25:37
  Eric: Okay.
• 25:38
  Eric: Almost cause an international incident.
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_00: Uh-huh.
• 25:42
  Eric: But we return the pups.
• 25:43
  Matt: No, I think this is okay.
• 25:45
  Matt: I think this is good.
• 25:46
  Matt: Um, I think Eric has forgotten the second half of your question.
• 25:50
  Matt: So, Eric, I'm very interested now for you to explain how how you plan to get away with it.
• 25:55
  Eric: Well, that's where I bring in my poaches three.
• 25:58
  Matt: Oh, poaches three.
• 26:00
  Eric: Poaches three.
• 26:01
  Eric: Wa-na-na.
• 26:02
  Eric: I can I can see the headlines space.
• 26:05
  Eric: The omelet, if you will.
• 26:07
  Eric: You see what I did there?
• 26:08
  Eric: How dare you! How dare you, sir.
• 26:12
  Eric: God damn.
• 26:12
  Eric: It's the best I can do.
• 26:14
  Eric: Uh, that went over easy.
• 26:15
  Eric: Um, so saved it.
• 26:20
  Eric: Ooh! Rescued it.
• 26:21
  Eric: So elaborate disguises will be involved.
• 26:24
  Eric: I know mine for sure, and this is just a me personally desire.
• 26:29
  Eric: I will be disguised as one of those Queen's guards.
• 26:32
  Matt: I was just gonna say, there's no way you're not a royal guard.
• 26:35
  Matt: Oh my god.
• 26:36
  Eric: Yes.
• 26:36
  SPEAKER_07: With the tall hat.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_07: Yes.
• 26:38
  Matt: Something's gotta be in that hat, Eric.
• 26:40
  Matt: You've got that's gotta be a big reveal.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_07: Ooh, ooh, what is in that?
• 26:44
  Matt: That's gotta be how you get something into the Buckingham Palace.
• 26:46
  Eric: Yes.
• 26:47
  Eric: 100%.
• 26:49
  Eric: Um, so so we need to, because they, you know, it's not like they don't have an accurate count of the Queen's Guards at all times.
• 26:57
  Eric: It's not like, oh, how many about about 20, 21?
• 27:01
  Eric: Get in here.
• 27:02
  Eric: Like we were gonna have to we're going to have to subdue a Queen's Guard.
• 27:07
  Matt: Non-believable.
• 27:08
  Matt: I think we're coming up on justifiable homicide.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_08: Or we could murder him.
• 27:14
  SPEAKER_08: Are you saying that hanging out with the Queen's Corgi is a justified homicide?
• 27:20
  Matt: Well, uh, he did say corgis, so it is the complete set.
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_08: Uh-huh.
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_08: So hanging out for a couple of hours, hanging out with the queen's corgis is enough of a reason to murder someone and then be like, Megan, let me say this way.
• 27:34
  Matt: I'm saying, do you want a job done or do you want it done right?
• 27:37
  Eric: Let me put it to you this way.
• 27:39
  Eric: Let me put it to you this way.
• 27:40
  Eric: These guards have sworn their lives to protect Queen and Country.
• 27:45
  Eric: If we can get close enough to take some corgis, they have failed and their life is forfeited.
• 27:52
  Matt: All I'm saying is there's multiple ways to play hitman.
• 27:57
  Eric: Or we could just, you know, knock them out with something.
• 28:00
  Matt: Yes.
• 28:01
  Matt: You could throw the fire extinguisher.
• 28:04
  Matt: Or get them behind some bushes.
• 28:08
  Eric: That's all I'm trying to say.
• 28:10
  Eric: So how are we we need so so we need to lure a Queen's Guard into like a trap.
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_08: And one who I would like to mention, because I know you personally in real life, has really specific height requirements if you are the person impersonating this guard.
• 28:25
  SPEAKER_08: We need to find the tallest member of the Queen's Guard that exists and then knock him out kindly.
• 28:33
  Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 28:34
  Eric: Oh, 100%.
• 28:36
  Eric: We need to find one about six foot six.
• 28:38
  Matt: Yep.
• 28:38
  Eric: Shouldn't be hard.
• 28:40
  Matt: Um I did look it up.
• 28:42
  Matt: The height requirement has been brought down to five tenths.
• 28:47
  SPEAKER_07: What?
• 28:48
  SPEAKER_07: Oh no.
• 28:48
  SPEAKER_07: So what are they not getting enough iron in England?
• 28:52
  Matt: I have to I have to say, Eric, I am closer to the Queen's Guard requirement.
• 28:58
  Eric: Is this is this is this like the like as we're describing the plan, this is the hitch that we didn't foresee.
• 29:04
  Eric: Like we get there like that.
• 29:06
  Matt: Yeah, oh, this is it.
• 29:07
  Matt: Yes, this is the the Casey Affleck scene, because it's always him in the movies that has a problem.
• 29:13
  Matt: So uh or Matt Damon.
• 29:15
  Matt: Matt Damon also has problems, as I recall.
• 29:17
  Matt: Uh but the uh so yeah, you get all so we okay, so we won't kill the guy.
• 29:23
  Matt: Uh so we we lure him to uh I guess with some how did how do we lure a one of those?
• 29:31
  Eric: We disguise Megan as the queen.
• 29:35
  Eric: Ooh, uh body double to her royal majesty.
• 29:38
  Eric: Queen.
• 29:39
  Eric: I can do that.
• 29:40
  SPEAKER_07: Yes.
• 29:41
  Matt: Okay, so ooh, I got it.
• 29:44
  Matt: Oh I got it.
• 29:45
  Matt: Okay, so the queen, so you just so we'll r we'll do some sort of maybe a drive-by in uh in some sort of vehicle with that is where you can see plenty, you know, good windows.
• 29:59
  Matt: Double decker bus.
• 29:59
  Matt: Good windows on this thing.
• 30:00
  Matt: Double decker bus.
• 30:01
  Matt: You see the the the the body double queen.
• 30:05
  Matt: Yep.
• 30:05
  Matt: That's me some sort of perpetrator.
• 30:08
  Eric: Yeah.
• 30:09
  Matt: Uh, you know, all in black kind of thing.
• 30:11
  Matt: Like like or black and white.
• 30:14
  Eric: Like you've got like the little black mask across your.
• 30:17
  Eric: You have a bag with dollar sign bills on it.
• 30:19
  Matt: Yeah, I'm one of the burglars in a Christmas story.
• 30:22
  Matt: Yeah, okay, good.
• 30:23
  Matt: On the lawn.
• 30:24
  Matt: Uh so you see me and like Waluigi style out the window going, ah ha ha ha ha ha.
• 30:30
  Matt: Uh with Megan like tied up in the back.
• 30:32
  Eric: Like, no.
• 30:34
  Eric: That was good.
• 30:35
  Eric: That was good.
• 30:35
  Eric: Follow the impulse.
• 30:37
  Matt: So we'll get a couple of guards chasing us.
• 30:40
  Matt: And there maybe there's some gunfire, but we'll we'll deal with it in a in a laissez-faire manner.
• 30:46
  SPEAKER_08: But what happens It sounds like we have to recruit at least one more person who is driving this bus.
• 30:51
  Matt: Well, so Eric is in the bus.
• 30:54
  Matt: So when we get we have to we'll have to evade enough guards so only one of them catches up with us, and that's when I act like I'm gonna surrender and poach you, knock him out.
• 31:07
  Eric: Oh yeah.
• 31:07
  Eric: Oh, so we get into that scuffle where it's like a cloud and like you just see limbs coming out of the cloud.
• 31:12
  Eric: Yes.
• 31:13
  SPEAKER_03: And then when it comes out of it, you're disguised as a guard, he's dressed as the burglar.
• 31:17
  SPEAKER_03: But here's here's here's the the hitch, I think.
• 31:19
  Matt: Uh now I'm not sure what we do with our impersonating queen, but then you can bring me in Han and Chewbacca style as your prisoner into Buckingham Palace.
• 31:34
  Matt: You apprehended me, and everyone's seen me in the my obnoxious striped shirt.
• 31:40
  Eric: There he is, for honest and for true.
• 31:44
  Matt: Yeah.
• 31:44
  Matt: Oh, Andy, you're gonna love this episode.
• 31:46
  Eric: Oh, Andy, buckle up.
• 31:48
  Eric: Uh anyway.
• 31:50
  Eric: Oh, man.
• 31:50
  Eric: We managed to talk about England for like 10 whole minutes without doing it.
• 31:55
  Matt: We I I and quite frankly, I'm proud of both of us.
• 31:59
  Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 32:01
  Matt: So, okay, so we're in Buckingham Palace.
• 32:03
  Matt: We're in Buckingham Palace.
• 32:04
  Matt: So we're really going down a rabbit hole with this question.
• 32:05
  Eric: Let me just it's we're doing it perfectly.
• 32:08
  Eric: So at this juncture, just so I understand, okay.
• 32:12
  Eric: Who is currently disguised as what?
• 32:14
  Matt: I'm just me a burglar.
• 32:16
  Matt: You are a royal guard, and Megan is we last left Megan.
• 32:20
  Matt: But I can't be a royal guard.
• 32:21
  Matt: I'm too short.
• 32:22
  Matt: I'm too tall.
• 32:23
  Matt: That's what I mean.
• 32:23
  Matt: We get you we gotta do it in the scuffle.
• 32:26
  Matt: So like now you're leading somebody in.
• 32:29
  Matt: And you know, this does leave the opportunity for someone to give us the aren't you a little tall to be a royal guy?
• 32:37
  Matt: That is good.
• 32:38
  Eric: Are you a little tall to be a member of the Queen's God, guff?
• 32:44
  SPEAKER_08: I'm so sorry to whoever Andrew is.
• 32:47
  SPEAKER_08: And I'll about this.
• 32:48
  Eric: And I'll just be like, Grossbur in it.
• 32:53
  Eric: It'll be perfect.
• 32:56
  Eric: Oh man.
• 32:58
  Eric: Alright.
• 32:59
  Eric: So oh, so wait.
• 33:01
  Eric: So okay, okay, yeah.
• 33:02
  Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 33:03
  Eric: This is perfect.
• 33:04
  Eric: So we have we're in, we're we're through the power of cinema.
• 33:11
  Eric: We are in Buckingham Palace.
• 33:13
  Eric: Yes.
• 33:14
  Eric: I'm a queen's now.
• 33:15
  Eric: All we gotta do is get those pooches.
• 33:18
  Eric: Matt, Matt is is not being beaten to death with batons.
• 33:21
  Eric: He is in handcuffs, being led still by the queen, who is Megan.
• 33:27
  Matt: By you, and I guess also the queen.
• 33:29
  Eric: Yes.
• 33:30
  Eric: I will I will convince the rest of the guards, like, oh, don't worry, lads.
• 33:35
  Eric: I got it from me.
• 33:37
  Eric: We fucking it'll be great.
• 33:40
  Matt: Let me ask you this, Eric.
• 33:42
  Matt: Why, why are all of your British characters all a Dekenzian urchin?
• 33:51
  Matt: Why are all of them some sort of street ragamuffin?
• 33:57
  Eric: Because every fucking the late 19th century.
• 34:00
  Eric: I and I shit you not.
• 34:02
  Eric: Here's the legitimate reason.
• 34:03
  Eric: No, no.
• 34:04
  Eric: Um, growing up, I would go to my anytime I go to my grandparents' house, there was one movie I would watch.
• 34:10
  Eric: It was one of the only movies they had, and I fucking loved it, and I watched it every single time I was there, and it was the 1972 musical Oliver.
• 34:19
  SPEAKER_07: Oliver Twist.
• 34:20
  SPEAKER_07: Oliver Twist.
• 34:22
  Eric: So that is literally it's all I have to go on.
• 34:25
  Eric: No, I say that's all I have to go on.
• 34:27
  Eric: Like I didn't study acting for a bunch of years.
• 34:31
  Eric: Like you didn't take dialect.
• 34:32
  Eric: But uh, but it's my favorite.
• 34:34
  Eric: Um but yeah.
• 34:36
  Eric: So we are in Buckingham Palace, so now it's me.
• 34:38
  Eric: It's Matt Burglar.
• 34:40
  Eric: It's Megan.
• 34:41
  Eric: Here's my question for you.
• 34:42
  Eric: Yes.
• 34:44
  Eric: So when I present the burglar to the queen, as is tradition under English law.
• 34:49
  SPEAKER_08: Yes.
• 34:50
  SPEAKER_08: As we all know.
• 34:51
  Eric: It's right there under Prima Nocta.
• 34:53
  Eric: Yes.
• 34:54
  Eric: You are face to face with the Queen, disguised as the Queen.
• 34:59
  Eric: Inevitably, this is gonna happen.
• 35:01
  Eric: What do you do now?
• 35:02
  SPEAKER_08: How do you how I mean I have to imagine you're having your back to the future too, Moment?
• 35:07
  SPEAKER_08: I am, and I have to imagine that what I'm gonna lean into is that the Queen doesn't know all of the security operations that are in place for her life.
• 35:16
  SPEAKER_08: So I'm just gonna say, hello, I'm Megan Stanton.
• 35:20
  SPEAKER_08: Um I was hired to play you, I was hired to be your body double, like just in case something like this ever happened.
• 35:25
  SPEAKER_09: And so, hi, thank you so much for having me.
• 35:28
  Matt: Um and she'd say, an American.
• 35:32
  Eric: Just like that.
• 35:33
  Eric: But then she'd follow up with like an aside to the camera, like, impressive.
• 35:38
  Eric: It'd be good.
• 35:39
  Eric: It'd be good.
• 35:40
  SPEAKER_08: But so I would just hope that she didn't know that there's uh probably I mean, who knows?
• 35:44
  SPEAKER_08: Probably there are like 25 body doubles for the queen.
• 35:46
  SPEAKER_08: But I would hope that she didn't like know them all by name or face or accent.
• 35:50
  Matt: And just idea.
• 35:52
  SPEAKER_08: I foiled a kidnapping plot.
• 35:54
  Matt: You foiled the kidnapping plot on your way to walk the dogs.
• 36:00
  SPEAKER_07: The dogs.
• 36:01
  SPEAKER_09: The dogs.
• 36:02
  Matt: So then you say present me with the dogs.
• 36:06
  Matt: Maybe you don't say that.
• 36:06
  SPEAKER_09: You say present me with the dogs.
• 36:08
  SPEAKER_09: Mom.
• 36:09
  SPEAKER_09: I must see the dogs, queen.
• 36:12
  SPEAKER_09: Miss Lady Queen.
• 36:13
  SPEAKER_09: Go off with that.
• 36:14
  SPEAKER_09: Thank you.
• 36:15
  Matt: Yes, I do believe the proper um address is Miss Lady Queen.
• 36:21
  Eric: Miss Lady Queen.
• 36:22
  Eric: Uh, yeah, and then so now we have so so Queen Elizabeth, she summons dogs.
• 36:27
  Eric: I fucking in my head, I just imagine her like doing like a fucking pentagram on the floor and in telling me.
• 36:33
  Eric: In my mind, they're just always with her all the time.
• 36:35
  SPEAKER_08: They're always like, that's why.
• 36:36
  SPEAKER_08: We had to gain access to her with this elaborate ruse, and then also sell the ruse that I'm really I'm the body double dog walker.
• 36:45
  SPEAKER_08: That's my really specific genre of body double that I am, is that I walk the dogs while looking like Queen Elizabeth.
• 36:51
  Eric: Mm-hmm.
• 36:51
  Eric: Mm-hmm.
• 36:51
  Eric: Mm-hmm.
• 36:53
  Matt: Okay, so I am um I am very pleased to tell you that I have done the research I needed.
• 36:59
  Eric: Did you look up the names of the Corgis?
• 37:01
  Matt: Uh in fact, I have the family tree of the Corgis.
• 37:04
  Eric: Oh my god, give me a shit.
• 37:06
  Matt: So they they all so the the the overall patriarch of this family was Susan.
• 37:13
  Matt: Uh the offspring of Susan were sugar and honey.
• 37:17
  Matt: Okay.
• 37:17
  Matt: Uh honey had one child, B.
• 37:21
  Matt: Uh and sugar had whiskey and sherry.
• 37:25
  Matt: So the the current generation uh that are the queen's dog.
• 37:30
  Matt: Now uh oh wait, no, I think there might be even more.
• 37:33
  Matt: Anyway, those those are the fur oh I'm sorry, those are the first three generations of Jesus.
• 37:39
  Matt: Since the de So a quick Google will say since the death of Holly and Willow, the Queen is said to have two remaining dogs, Candy and Vulcan.
• 37:48
  SPEAKER_08: Very different naming conventions happening there.
• 37:51
  SPEAKER_07: Okay.
• 37:52
  SPEAKER_07: Candy and Vulcan.
• 37:54
  Matt: Vulcan.
• 37:55
  SPEAKER_07: Vulcan.
• 37:56
  Matt: So, okay, so she says, you know, take us you say, take us to Candy and Vulcan.
• 38:03
  SPEAKER_09: Please, sir.
• 38:04
  SPEAKER_09: May I see Candy and Vulcan?
• 38:06
  SPEAKER_09: What?
• 38:07
  Matt: That's how Eric uh that's his that's how he frames all British uh sentences now that we now know.
• 38:13
  Matt: Yep, yep, yep.
• 38:14
  Matt: Uh and she says, Oh, but of course, right here, right here.
• 38:18
  Matt: And lead you into the Corgi's bedroom.
• 38:21
  Matt: They do, they do get their own.
• 38:22
  Eric: I assume they get their own.
• 38:24
  Eric: They must, yes.
• 38:26
  Eric: Um, so now we have the dogs.
• 38:28
  Eric: We have the dogs, and we have uh and this is where I go, oh right, off to the Tower of London with you, Gov.
• 38:36
  Matt: Or, or perhaps this is another good twist in the movie we didn't see coming up.
• 38:40
  Matt: An Oliver twist.
• 38:41
  Matt: The Queen.
• 38:41
  Matt: The Queen gruffly grabs my wrist and says, I'll take him from here, and starts leading me away with two other guards.
• 38:51
  SPEAKER_08: This feels very sexual all of a sudden, and that's not what I sign up for.
• 38:55
  Eric: About to commit another perfect crime?
• 38:57
  Eric: Oh, I didn't even think about breaking the queen's heart.
• 39:00
  SPEAKER_08: King consort, Matthew Shea.
• 39:03
  Matt: I didn't consider seducing her majesty on this voyage.
• 39:09
  Matt: Matt, what are you prepared to do for this perfect crime?
• 39:12
  Matt: It's like I said, do you want a job done or you want it done right?
• 39:16
  Matt: Okay, so unexpectedly, I need to seduce the queen.
• 39:20
  Eric: Yes.
• 39:21
  Eric: Yes.
• 39:21
  Eric: This crime just remember how I said we're gonna make it more perfect?
• 39:24
  Eric: It just keeps getting more perfect.
• 39:26
  Eric: Okay, so I have to go do that while you guys are get out, get out of my life.
• 39:33
  SPEAKER_08: No, we need a blow by blow map.
• 39:34
  SPEAKER_08: We need like a step-by-step map.
• 39:36
  Matt: No, I I gotta yada yada yada over that whole.
• 39:39
  Eric: You gotta a tasteful fade to black.
• 39:42
  Eric: Or, or, okay.
• 39:43
  Matt: Or perhaps my ver my shenanigans are the queen gets very seductive in the private quarters.
• 39:53
  Matt: Yeah.
• 39:53
  Matt: I have to make some excuse of like, uh, well, just uh let me go freshen up.
• 40:01
  Matt: I escape to the bathroom where I try to like rope my way out the window somehow.
• 40:07
  Eric: Matt, this is where me and me and Megan.
• 40:12
  Eric: We have a screenplay.
• 40:13
  Eric: Me and Megan are walking outside.
• 40:15
  Eric: We timed this.
• 40:16
  Eric: We we timed it so we're so part of the plan.
• 40:19
  Eric: We're walking below that window outside.
• 40:21
  Eric: This is when I take the hat off, and inside is a grappling hook.
• 40:26
  Eric: Oh fucking.
• 40:28
  Eric: We found it.
• 40:29
  Eric: Yep, we found it.
• 40:31
  Eric: We knew we would.
• 40:33
  Matt: Okay.
• 40:33
  Matt: I grapple out of the queen's bathroom.
• 40:36
  Matt: Grab out of the queen's bathroom.
• 40:38
  Matt: All three of us complete with Vulcan and Candy.
• 40:40
  Eric: Yes.
• 40:41
  Eric: We uh now here's the question.
• 40:44
  Eric: Do we even leave the palace grounds or do we just start, do we change back into our civvies and just start taking pics with these dogs?
• 40:51
  SPEAKER_07: My impulse is that we just we just hang out with the dogs.
• 40:55
  Eric: We just hang out.
• 40:56
  Eric: I feel like it's one of those situations where like you're so deep in the complex that anyone who sees you there assumes you have a very good reason to be doing whatever you're doing.
• 41:05
  Eric: Yeah.
• 41:06
  SPEAKER_08: Like trying to get the two royal croogies onto London Eye just for a selfie is like a whole other level of thing, but just hanging with them, being like, just hanging with them.
• 41:17
  Eric: And honestly, you're already disguised as the queen.
• 41:19
  SPEAKER_07: Like who's gonna ask me any questions?
• 41:22
  Eric: Who's gonna fucking say shit?
• 41:24
  Eric: Nobody.
• 41:25
  Eric: I'll hit them.
• 41:26
  Eric: And then uh do we then return these?
• 41:29
  Eric: So we then return the dogs.
• 41:31
  Eric: Like the the likes, the updutes on these pictures are just gonna be biblical.
• 41:36
  Eric: Um because we gotta get Megan to do some crazy ass shit.
• 41:39
  Eric: Like like hard styling next to these dogs.
• 41:43
  Matt: Sorry.
• 41:44
  Matt: Did you say the updukes?
• 41:46
  Matt: Yeah, he did.
• 41:47
  Matt: Updutes.
• 41:48
  Matt: What the fuck does that mean?
• 41:50
  Matt: Oh Is that a is that something the kids are saying?
• 41:54
  Matt: Yeah, yeah, yes.
• 41:55
  Matt: The youths.
• 41:56
  Matt: Are the youths saying that?
• 41:57
  Matt: Or are you you saying that?
• 41:59
  Eric: No, it's a thing that youths say.
• 42:01
  Eric: Alright.
• 42:02
  Eric: I think.
• 42:03
  Eric: The updutes.
• 42:04
  Matt: The updutes.
• 42:06
  Matt: Oh, I thought you were saying updutes.
• 42:08
  Matt: I still don't know what updutes is, but Yeah, neither of them are a real thing.
• 42:12
  Eric: In the time it would take me to explain it to you, it would only disappoint all of us.
• 42:16
  Eric: Great.
• 42:17
  Eric: Uh all right, so you were saying then.
• 42:20
  Eric: So we get mad likes, they're mash and subscribe.
• 42:23
  Eric: I I we we get a nice little family photo with the dogs.
• 42:27
  Matt: Yes, okay.
• 42:28
  Matt: Tasteful, very tasteful.
• 42:29
  Matt: Very tasteful.
• 42:30
  Eric: Very tasteful.
• 42:30
  Eric: I put the hat on one of the dogs.
• 42:32
  Eric: It's gonna be fun.
• 42:33
  Matt: Now do we return the dogs?
• 42:35
  Matt: That was uh originally part of the crime.
• 42:38
  Eric: Yeah, we we have to return the dogs.
• 42:41
  SPEAKER_08: My contribution to this would be I think before this, we've created an unhackable, many layered social media account.
• 42:51
  SPEAKER_08: And for the rest of our we return the dogs.
• 42:53
  SPEAKER_08: It's been a lovely afternoon, we give them back.
• 42:55
  SPEAKER_08: And for the rest of our lives, we live on the kudos slash advertising that we can get for our capers that are very wholesome and fun.
• 43:04
  SPEAKER_08: Like, imagine how much the dodo would pay this crime syndicate to just go do cute shit.
• 43:10
  SPEAKER_08: We would live the rest of our lives on that money.
• 43:12
  Eric: Oh yeah.
• 43:13
  Eric: Like, we'll be selling merch with those pictures of like you like fucking dabbing with the with the corgis.
• 43:20
  Eric: Yeah.
• 43:21
  Eric: Like the queen dabbing, and we also have the cor the corgis there also dabbing with you.
• 43:25
  Eric: Like, we throw that shit on a mug, we're millionaires.
• 43:28
  Eric: Millionaires.
• 43:29
  Eric: Millionaires.
• 43:30
  Matt: So the perfect crime, Megan, is that breaking into Buckingham Palace by means of knocking out a guard and staging a kidnapping of the Queen of England.
• 43:44
  Matt: Uh, taking the dogs, taking the dogs for a walk.
• 43:49
  Matt: Uh truly uh seducing and then uh just going to town on the queen.
• 43:55
  Matt: I never went to town on her majesty.
• 43:58
  Matt: I escaped.
• 44:00
  Matt: Via hat grappling.
• 44:01
  Eric: Sorry, they call it a stroll through the country over there.
• 44:07
  Matt: Oh man.
• 44:08
  Matt: And then taking some photos, returning the dogs, which I noticed we didn't feel the need to get into.
• 44:16
  Eric: And then and then some stuff happened and the dogs were back.
• 44:19
  SPEAKER_07: Yada yada yada, the dogs are back.
• 44:21
  Eric: Yada yada yada, the dogs are back.
• 44:23
  Eric: Well, here's what we do.
• 44:24
  Eric: Like, as we're jumping the fence, as like as as they quickly realize what's happened, like we just let the dogs go.
• 44:30
  Eric: They know where to go.
• 44:31
  Eric: And that's what I say.
• 44:32
  SPEAKER_08: They're gonna be much more concerned about catching the dogs than they are about catching us.
• 44:36
  SPEAKER_08: Yeah.
• 44:36
  unknown: Oh, oh, I got it.
• 44:38
  Matt: What?
• 44:38
  Matt: I got it.
• 44:39
  Matt: What?
• 44:39
  Matt: We leave the dogs with the unconscious guard.
• 44:44
  Eric: Ooh.
• 44:47
  Eric: Mm-hmm.
• 44:48
  Matt: That's got some That's got legs.
• 44:50
  Matt: That's some Sherlock Holmes shit.
• 44:51
  Matt: Unfortunately, I think that could very well result in the execution of that guard.
• 44:56
  Matt: But that, hey, that's not on us.
• 44:58
  Matt: No! That's on the Royal Guard's procedures.
• 45:02
  Eric: Yeah.
• 45:02
  Eric: Yeah, man.
• 45:04
  Matt: Well, I think we've answered it.
• 45:06
  Matt: I think that I can't imagine another crime as perfectly laid out as the one Poach's three just came up with.
• 45:13
  SPEAKER_08: Mary a hole.
• 45:15
  SPEAKER_08: Marry a hole.
• 45:18
  SPEAKER_08: There's nothing.
• 45:18
  SPEAKER_08: It's airtight.
• 45:19
  Eric: I don't know why we're not doing it right now.
• 45:21
  Eric: Yeah.
• 45:22
  Matt: Steven Soderbergh is just jotting notes as he listens to this episode.
• 45:26
  Matt: Uh excellent.
• 45:28
  Matt: So, well, thank you for the question, Megan.
• 45:30
  Eric: I'm always happy to help.
• 45:32
  Matt: Now, Eric, I do believe.
• 45:35
  Eric: I have a question.
• 45:36
  Matt: You have uh a question for our guest here this week.
• 45:40
  Matt: The mystery question.
• 45:41
  Matt: Now, Megan.
• 45:43
  Eric: As you know, good start.
• 45:47
  Eric: Are domestically associated with one Michael Ziccardi?
• 45:51
  SPEAKER_08: I am, it's true.
• 45:53
  Eric: We live together.
• 45:54
  Eric: Yes.
• 45:58
  Eric: What is the dumbest thing that you two have ever legitimately fought over?
• 46:06
  Eric: Like, legitimately, like, it was a legitimate argument, but what was it?
• 46:11
  Eric: It was the dumbest fucking thing.
• 46:13
  Eric: Oh, you really want a legitimate fight?
• 46:16
  Eric: Not like they were screaming and there were tears.
• 46:19
  Eric: Like there was no ironically disagreeing with each other.
• 46:24
  Matt: This is a disagreement.
• 46:26
  Matt: The parties were getting authentically heated over a meaningless thing.
• 46:30
  Matt: Is that what you're saying?
• 46:31
  Matt: Yes.
• 46:32
  SPEAKER_08: Okay.
• 46:33
  SPEAKER_08: I don't know.
• 46:34
  SPEAKER_08: All the things I'm thinking of are just things that we both have passionate answers for, but most of the time that is like uh the other person doesn't care at all about it.
• 46:45
  SPEAKER_08: So like me ranting at Michael about the results of the 1997 Tony's, where he's like, mm-hmm.
• 46:54
  SPEAKER_08: Like him talking to me about horror movies where I'm like, yep.
• 46:57
  SPEAKER_07: Which is like, yeah, yeah.
• 46:59
  Matt: Uh I just know that the two of you do watch a lot of reality television.
• 47:07
  Matt: And I feel as though there must be some uh heated debates there because Lord knows that Lindsay and I, who are both avid fans of Survivor, have gotten into it about strategy in the past.
• 47:23
  Matt: Not so not a w we are not fighting about this, but it is a real life heated argument.
• 47:28
  Matt: It is a real life heated argument.
• 47:29
  Matt: All right, Eric, while while how about this?
• 47:31
  Matt: While Megan thinks on that, do you have something prepared for your own question?
• 47:35
  Matt: Like, what have you and Sam had a non-ironic fight about?
• 47:40
  Eric: Oh, I know we've had them.
• 47:43
  Eric: Um like not fight fight, but like hard oh, I have to think about it.
• 47:48
  Eric: I know like there's one that immediately comes to mind.
• 47:50
  Eric: I can't, I'm but like I can see it, but I can't remember it.
• 47:53
  Eric: Lindsay and I had a very good.
• 47:55
  Eric: You have a laundry.
• 47:58
  Eric: I saw you pull out the list and it did the little unflip.
• 48:00
  Eric: It's like two feet of paper.
• 48:02
  Matt: If you I was gonna I was gonna say, if both of you need to think about this, one came to mind right away for me because Lindsay put this on Facebook and the the the poll ran the gamut.
• 48:14
  Matt: The uh the lunchable debate.
• 48:17
  Matt: Uh, because Lindsay feels that the best lunchable is the pizza lunchable.
• 48:24
  Matt: And she would be wrong.
• 48:25
  Matt: Yeah.
• 48:25
  Matt: No, she's right.
• 48:26
  SPEAKER_08: Are you kidding?
• 48:27
  SPEAKER_08: What's happening?
• 48:28
  SPEAKER_08: Oh my god.
• 48:29
  Matt: See, this is what I'm talking about.
• 48:30
  Matt: My I feel very strongly that the shitty meat and cheese sandwiches.
• 48:35
  Matt: Thank you, Matthew, is the best because it is the base.
• 48:48
  Matt: Yeah, you got it.
• 48:49
  SPEAKER_08: And just like choking it all down.
• 48:53
  Eric: Are you talking about the lunchable that involves spreading ketchup on a chewy saltine?
• 48:57
  Eric: Yes, I am.
• 48:58
  Matt: It's not a chewy saltine, it's a fucking pita pocket.
• 49:02
  SPEAKER_07: Yes, it's soft.
• 49:05
  Matt: I wouldn't go so far as to say it's soft.
• 49:10
  Matt: It's simple.
• 49:12
  Matt: Just because it's a it's it's a disc of just yeast.
• 49:15
  Matt: Let's see how let's see how to do that.
• 49:19
  Matt: Um anyway, that was a real argument that we had.
• 49:22
  Matt: Turkey or ham mat.
• 49:23
  Matt: I I I mean, I always prefer turkey to hammet.
• 49:26
  Matt: My man, my man, my fucking man.
• 49:27
  Matt: My man.
• 49:28
  SPEAKER_08: I'm looking up now, I'm remembering that Michael and I had a an Italian restaurant disagreement that I made a Facebook poll about.
• 49:38
  SPEAKER_08: And I know that my one was Wasn't it something about the Olive Garden?
• 49:41
  SPEAKER_08: It was okay.
• 49:42
  SPEAKER_08: This is what it was.
• 49:43
  unknown: Okay.
• 49:44
  Matt: What was it?
• 49:44
  Matt: Give us the tea.
• 49:45
  Eric: Tell us the tale.
• 49:46
  SPEAKER_08: So um I'm sure everyone has their preferred uh, you know, chain Italian restaurant.
• 49:53
  SPEAKER_07: Sure.
• 49:54
  SPEAKER_08: Being a a stalwart Baltimore girl, in my mind that's what this comes from, but I don't really know.
• 50:00
  SPEAKER_08: Uh, I was raised uh in a Bertucci's family.
• 50:04
  SPEAKER_08: Bertucci's is a fine Italian restaurant, like all of the chains are.
• 50:09
  SPEAKER_08: But the thing that sets them apart is that when you come in the door, they give you, if you're a child, a bundle of uncooked pizza dough to just like play with for however long that you want to.
• 50:21
  SPEAKER_08: Um so I'm a Bertucci's person.
• 50:24
  SPEAKER_08: Michael is an Olive Garden person.
• 50:26
  Eric: He would be.
• 50:28
  SPEAKER_08: I have never been to an Olive Garden in my entire life.
• 50:31
  Eric: Oh.
• 50:32
  SPEAKER_08: So the only way to settle this, objectively, I felt, was to put a poll out on the social media and say, is Bertucci's or Olive Garden better?
• 50:42
  SPEAKER_08: And I will say, Bertucci's won handily in that public poll.
• 50:48
  Eric: Handily.
• 50:48
  SPEAKER_08: Handily.
• 50:49
  SPEAKER_08: Handily.
• 50:50
  SPEAKER_08: Because uncooked pizza dough is better than whatever unlimited nonsense it is that they give you at the Olive Garden, apparently.
• 50:57
  Matt: Here I would have said the best way to determine would have been to go eat at both places.
• 51:02
  Matt: But that's just me.
• 51:04
  Eric: But Matt, that speaks to the dumbness of the argument in that we're not even gonna do it by any objection.
• 51:10
  Matt: We're not even actually considering scientific methods.
• 51:14
  SPEAKER_08: Matthew Shea, are you telling me that pandemic Matthew Shea would have gone to an olive garden to settle an argument?
• 51:21
  Matt: Of course I wouldn't have.
• 51:23
  Matt: I just I didn't know we were putting this in the context of the last year.
• 51:28
  SPEAKER_08: What a pandemic argument that is, to be like two restaurants neither of us have been to in the last 10 years, but we both collectively believe is better than the other one.
• 51:36
  SPEAKER_07: Yes, sure.
• 51:37
  SPEAKER_07: No, that is fucking perfect.
• 51:39
  Matt: That makes it so much dumber and better in my eyes.
• 51:41
  Matt: Absolutely not.
• 51:42
  Matt: Pandemic match.
• 51:43
  Matt: I would not have considered going to either restaurant.
• 51:45
  Matt: Of course.
• 51:46
  Matt: Of course not.
• 51:47
  Eric: Uh I know me and Sam's.
• 51:49
  unknown: Oh.
• 51:49
  Matt: Uh.
• 51:50
  Eric: And it's not something we actually find.
• 51:51
  Eric: Well, it's something like it came to a it it could it is the dumbest in how it had to be resolved.
• 51:57
  Eric: Uh-huh.
• 51:58
  Eric: Ketchup does not go in the refrigerator.
• 52:00
  Eric: Shut the fuck up, both of you.
• 52:02
  Eric: I know what you're gonna say.
• 52:03
  Matt: Yeah, you're wrong.
• 52:04
  Matt: Yeah, ketchup goes in the refrigerator.
• 52:05
  Eric: It does not go in the refrigerator.
• 52:07
  Matt: It says it on the bottle.
• 52:08
  Matt: It's a health and safety instruction, Eric.
• 52:11
  SPEAKER_07: Say it, man.
• 52:12
  Eric: Do you regularly get food poisoning?
• 52:14
  Eric: They have.
• 52:15
  Eric: You open your ketchup and you put it back in the cabinet.
• 52:18
  Eric: Oh yeah.
• 52:19
  Eric: Right the fuck back in the cabinet.
• 52:21
  Matt: Okay, but Sam's the sane one here.
• 52:22
  Eric: Is that what you're saying?
• 52:23
  Eric: Sam wants her ketchup in the fridge.
• 52:26
  SPEAKER_08: Sam, we support you.
• 52:27
  Matt: Along with Heinz.
• 52:29
  Matt: Along with the Heinz family.
• 52:31
  Matt: They want it in the fridge too.
• 52:32
  Matt: That's why they put it on the label.
• 52:34
  Matt: They have to say that.
• 52:35
  SPEAKER_07: So they have to say that, or the FDA will arrest them.
• 52:41
  Matt: They have to say that so you don't die.
• 52:43
  Eric: This is how Big Pharma wins.
• 52:46
  Eric: So the resolution.
• 52:48
  Eric: We have two bottles of ketchup in this house.
• 52:53
  Eric: One in the cabinets.
• 52:56
  SPEAKER_03: Jesus.
• 52:57
  SPEAKER_03: Tommy two ketchups over here.
• 53:02
  Eric: Yep.
• 53:03
  SPEAKER_08: You're realizing you're making it so, so easy for Sam to eventually murder you by poisoning the ketchup.
• 53:10
  unknown: Okay.
• 53:11
  Matt: Okay.
• 53:12
  Matt: Okay, hold on a second.
• 53:13
  Matt: So where is the warm infected bottle of ketchup?
• 53:18
  Eric: Okay, first of all, I've been eating ket I've been eating ketchup prepared in in that style since I was a child.
• 53:27
  Eric: Yeah.
• 53:27
  Eric: Since I was a motherfucker.
• 53:32
  Eric: What were you gonna say?
• 53:33
  Eric: I turned out.
• 53:40
  Matt: Oh here we here we go with the dirty Bernie Stobb story again.
• 53:44
  Eric: God damn.
• 53:46
  Eric: On the on the mean street in the mean streets of Ferndale.
• 53:50
  Matt: You can't you can't blame Glenn Burney for the crime against humanity that isn't ketchup hackers.
• 54:04
  SPEAKER_07: What is a threpany?
• 54:06
  Matt: I'm sorry, I didn't realize Glenn Burney was in in lower London.
• 54:11
  SPEAKER_07: Dickensian England.
• 54:12
  SPEAKER_07: Yes.
• 54:14
  Matt: Uh okay.
• 54:15
  Matt: Well, Eric, I think once again, uh we've taken a question posed to Megan and made it mostly about us.
• 54:22
  Matt: So I think we did a good job there.
• 54:24
  SPEAKER_08: Yeah.
• 54:25
  SPEAKER_08: So I do have uh one more question that I brought with me because I'm prepared.
• 54:29
  SPEAKER_08: I wrote it down in a post-it note.
• 54:31
  SPEAKER_08: An actor prepares?
• 54:32
  SPEAKER_08: Yes, an actor does prepare.
• 54:34
  SPEAKER_08: Uh and so it's a little bit more like interview style, but I feel like it's maybe fair play now that you've asked me an interview question, which is Absolutely What is the apocalypse scenario that would see you called up by the government, uh Armageddon style, that that movie, where they have to they send all the geologists to the asteroid or whatever it is.
• 54:59
  Matt: Yeah, it was oil drillers, wasn't it?
• 55:02
  Matt: I think there was oil rig operators.
• 55:05
  Eric: So what would our what would our sphere of expertise be?
• 55:08
  SPEAKER_08: What is the oil driller of your life that would mean that the US government would have to deputize you to save the world?
• 55:16
  Matt: Well, I think anything involving anxiety, uh, I have to be on the short list if there's some anxiety-based issue that needs to be.
• 55:27
  Matt: Or maybe I guess it'd be the opposite.
• 55:29
  Matt: Since I'm an expert in having anxiety, uh, they'd need a calming situation.
• 55:35
  Eric: There's a serial killer on the loose, but we know this.
• 55:38
  Eric: He's very anxious.
• 55:39
  Matt: No, he's very relaxed.
• 55:41
  Matt: We need we we need to get him out of it.
• 55:43
  SPEAKER_07: We need we need you to make him anxious.
• 55:47
  Matt: Oh, or you know, you are right, like he's very anxious.
• 55:51
  Matt: Track him, track him down through his existential dread.
• 55:54
  Eric: Yeah, you we need to think like a very anxious person.
• 55:59
  Eric: We know he's we know he's white, approaching middle age, and anxious.
• 56:04
  Eric: Approaching middle age.
• 56:05
  Eric: Within a stone's throw.
• 56:10
  Eric: Damn, sir.
• 56:12
  Eric: Well, technic, technically, a two-year-old is approaching middle age.
• 56:16
  Eric: All right.
• 56:17
  Matt: Uh okay.
• 56:19
  Matt: I mean, yeah, uh, so that comes to mind, but I feel like there's gotta be something more specific.
• 56:25
  Matt: What about you, Eric?
• 56:26
  Matt: And Megan, do you have do you have an answer prepared for this?
• 56:29
  Matt: Have you thought about this before?
• 56:30
  SPEAKER_08: I do have an answer prepared for this, and it's very specific, and I can't tell you what the scenario would be that it would involve uh this, but it would be um when and how often to apply sunscreen.
• 56:42
  SPEAKER_08: Because that is something I'm an expert in.
• 56:46
  SPEAKER_08: Because I do it constantly.
• 56:49
  SPEAKER_08: Or else the sun would burn me like a tiny, tiny potato crisp.
• 56:54
  SPEAKER_08: I lock a potato crisp.
• 56:57
  Matt: That's what I'm saying.
• 56:58
  SPEAKER_08: I went with the British theme for the crisp.
• 57:00
  Matt: Yeah, absolutely.
• 57:02
  Matt: Absolutely.
• 57:03
  SPEAKER_08: I mean, I think another good one that I have would be uh bumming people out with crime facts.
• 57:12
  SPEAKER_08: That's something I'm pretty good at.
• 57:14
  SPEAKER_08: Like, need the conversation to be ground to a halt.
• 57:17
  SPEAKER_08: Ring in Megan Stanton and let her tell you about the multiple murders that occurred in your hometown.
• 57:22
  Eric: So once they've apprehended the anxious cr homicidal maniac, you're the one they use to interrogate.
• 57:29
  Eric: Like, do you have them to confess?
• 57:30
  SPEAKER_08: I'm the one to just go in and be like, hey, what's going on?
• 57:33
  SPEAKER_08: Did you know that a family of five was bludgeoned to death in your neighborhood?
• 57:38
  SPEAKER_08: Did you want to know all the details about that?
• 57:40
  Matt: Yeah, but he might counter with Yeah.
• 57:43
  SPEAKER_08: But then that's like, was it you?
• 57:45
  Eric: And then we're on a new one.
• 57:47
  Eric: That's the game.
• 57:47
  Eric: Yep.
• 57:48
  Eric: Yes.
• 57:48
  Eric: Uh I again I just like Megan said, I don't know where this will be implemented.
• 57:54
  Eric: Uh, but when the when Uncle Sam needs uh someone who's willing to argue for hours at a time about interpreting the works of J.R.R.
• 58:06
  Eric: Tolkien.
• 58:09
  Matt: Sure.
• 58:10
  Eric: Yeah.
• 58:12
  Matt: Well, in that vein, I would be summoned for anybody.
• 58:15
  Matt: Oh, any kind of crisis that involves knowledge of specifically how the space-time continuum works in Back to the Future universe.
• 58:27
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 58:28
  Matt: That I would be summoned for.
• 58:29
  Eric: I was so certain you were gonna say Stephen King.
• 58:31
  Eric: And I was like, oh yeah, no, but that is so much better.
• 58:34
  Matt: So knowledgeable in that universe as well.
• 58:37
  Eric: Yeah.
• 58:38
  Eric: Yeah.
• 58:38
  Eric: Matt can give you a fucking dissertation on how it all makes sense.
• 58:41
  Eric: There's no paradoxes, it all fits.
• 58:44
  SPEAKER_08: Yes.
• 58:44
  SPEAKER_08: I also think, Matt, you could get called up for some kind of fantasy baseball apocalypse situation.
• 58:50
  Matt: Uh that is very kind of you.
• 58:53
  Matt: Uh uh there's plenty of people who know more than me uh when it comes to fantasy baseball, but I do feel passionately about it.
• 59:01
  Matt: Um, as I mentioned earlier, say if there is something that involved some sort of cosmic game of survivor, I do think I could be of an extreme assistance.
• 59:15
  Matt: Extreme assistance.
• 59:16
  Matt: I don't know why.
• 59:17
  SPEAKER_03: Extreme assistance.
• 59:18
  Matt: If you know I if somebody needs a play-by-play of how to best make the merge, then I will be summoned.
• 59:28
  Matt: Yes.
• 59:28
  SPEAKER_08: See, I wish the reality shows that I watched were like that, but no matter how many episodes of the Great British Baking Show I watch, it will not actually teach me how to make puff pastry.
• 59:38
  Eric: No, it'll only teach you how to love Raul.
• 59:41
  SPEAKER_08: Yes, Raul Precious Angel.
• 59:43
  Eric: You've hoped.
• 59:47
  SPEAKER_08: If there's anyone that Michael, the person with whom I'm domestically associated, loves more than me, it is Raul from the Great British show.
• 59:54
  Eric: I saw his statuses about Raul.
• 59:55
  Eric: I was like, fucking go off, King.
• 59:57
  Eric: Like it, yes.
• 59:59
  SPEAKER_07: He's a sweet angel, and we all have to protect him until we die.
• 1:00:02
  Eric: We do.
• 1:00:02
  Eric: He's my favorite contestant on that show ever, hands down, and he's perfect.
• 1:00:06
  Eric: And when, like, in our in humanity's darkest hour, when they're like, hey, uh, so we've we've we're at war with these aliens and they've been studying our literature, and they they they they're asked they're demanding answers as to why, you know, Tom Bombadil couldn't have just taken the ring.
• 1:00:28
  Eric: And then I would come in and I would be like, Well, because Tom Bombadil is, you know, he predates uh you know Sauron the Greater Evil, he's like an ancient being and like he has concerns that are not of this world.
• 1:00:41
  Eric: Like he could take it, like even though he has the power to destroy the ring, he just doesn't care enough to do it.
• 1:00:47
  Eric: And like, even if he kept on like kept hold of it, like it wouldn't corrupt him or anything, but like So your solution to this plot hole you're telling us about is he was too lazy.
• 1:00:57
  Matt: Is that what I'm hearing?
• 1:01:01
  Matt: He was too lazy to fuck up the plot.
• 1:01:03
  Eric: He just could not bother to give a fuck.
• 1:01:08
  SPEAKER_08: He was just like so chill.
• 1:01:11
  Eric: Really fuck what?
• 1:01:12
  Eric: Like he just wanted to hang out, and I also have several theories involving how all of those hobbits were tripping balls on shrooms when they met him.
• 1:01:21
  Eric: And like the text supports this, but that's for another episode.
• 1:01:24
  SPEAKER_07: The text supports this.
• 1:01:26
  Matt: Yeah.
• 1:01:26
  Matt: That does sound like a podcast within itself.
• 1:01:29
  Matt: It does.
• 1:01:29
  Matt: Yeah.
• 1:01:30
  Matt: Onto itself.
• 1:01:31
  Matt: Um, well, uh, Megan, I think once again, that I feel as though we've answered the questions.
• 1:01:38
  Matt: How do you feel?
• 1:01:39
  SPEAKER_08: I feel as though you've answered the questions.
• 1:01:40
  SPEAKER_08: I feel like I learned a lot this evening.
• 1:01:43
  Matt: I d highly doubt that's true.
• 1:01:45
  Matt: But we do we do now have uh we did form a crime syndicate.
• 1:01:49
  Matt: So poaches three.
• 1:01:51
  SPEAKER_08: Here we go.
• 1:01:52
  SPEAKER_08: Poaches three.
• 1:01:53
  Matt: Okay, so Megan, before uh unfortunately, I think we are drawing near the end of our time together.
• 1:01:59
  SPEAKER_08: Oh, that's terrible.
• 1:02:01
  Matt: I know, I know.
• 1:02:02
  Matt: But uh do before you go, do you have any uh anything you'd like to promote here on our our our wee little platform?
• 1:02:11
  SPEAKER_08: Oh, do I have any do I have any plugs?
• 1:02:13
  SPEAKER_08: Is that what you're asking?
• 1:02:14
  SPEAKER_08: If I have one of our plugs something.
• 1:02:15
  SPEAKER_08: Any plugs on our humble platform.
• 1:02:18
  Matt: On our humble platform.
• 1:02:19
  SPEAKER_08: You know, as I think about as I consider it now in this moment deeply, um, there is one thing that I would like to plug, which I think actually both of you, coincidentally, might be familiar with.
• 1:02:30
  Matt: Um, which is another one where you're going with this, yes.
• 1:02:33
  SPEAKER_08: You do it's another podcast that I uh have worked on, which is called Beneath the Headlines, um, which is uh an investigative journalism parody podcast, uh, which I'm the narrator for the first season.
• 1:02:47
  SPEAKER_08: But if I'm not mistaken, like I knew you guys looked familiar as we're on this Zoom call, and I'm pretty sure that you both worked on that.
• 1:02:53
  SPEAKER_08: Am I wrong about that?
• 1:02:54
  SPEAKER_08: Did I am I right about that?
• 1:02:56
  Matt: I'm maybe not wrong.
• 1:02:58
  Matt: If memory serves, I think I'm one of the co-creators of the podcast.
• 1:03:03
  SPEAKER_08: Oh my gosh, that's right.
• 1:03:05
  Matt: Uh as I recall.
• 1:03:06
  Eric: And I got to yell really loudly at two, you, and Paul over Zoom.
• 1:03:13
  Matt: Yes, yes.
• 1:03:13
  Matt: Uh, but yes, yes, beneath the headlines, it now available on all podcast platforms.
• 1:03:20
  Matt: On pod all pod Jesus Christ.
• 1:03:23
  Matt: I went back.
• 1:03:23
  Matt: I even went back to fix it.
• 1:03:25
  Matt: So you're doing so bad.
• 1:03:26
  Eric: You're so don't lose focus, don't lose focus, you're in it, you're in it.
• 1:03:30
  Matt: Now available on all podcast platforms.
• 1:03:33
  Matt: There we go.
• 1:03:34
  Matt: Ooh, I'm a fucking professional.
• 1:03:35
  Eric: Now that there you go.
• 1:03:36
  Eric: Fucking stuck the landing.
• 1:03:39
  Matt: Uh yes, but uh beneath the headlines, season one subtitle is 50 Cent Beer Night and the Legend of the Dundalk Upper Deckers.
• 1:03:48
  Matt: Yes.
• 1:03:49
  Eric: I used to live in Dundalk.
• 1:03:51
  Matt: Dundak.
• 1:03:53
  Matt: Indeed, you did.
• 1:03:54
  Matt: Uh and we we did talk about it back in the the spring here on this show uh when it was running as part of Single Carrot's I Hope This Finds You project.
• 1:04:04
  Matt: But now it is its own independent pro uh podcast.
• 1:04:08
  Matt: It's its own independent podcast, uh available everywhere.
• 1:04:12
  Matt: And we'll uh I think Eric, we should throw the trailer on at the end of this episode.
• 1:04:17
  SPEAKER_08: One hundo, one hundo.
• 1:04:18
  SPEAKER_08: A little promo.
• 1:04:19
  SPEAKER_08: A little promo mode.
• 1:04:21
  Matt: A little cross promo there.
• 1:04:22
  Matt: Wow.
• 1:04:23
  Matt: A little cross promo.
• 1:04:24
  Matt: Uh any, but so besides besides uh our mutual friend beneath the headlines, uh Megan, do you have anything else you want to promote or talk about?
• 1:04:33
  SPEAKER_08: You know, uh look me up on Single Carrot's website.
• 1:04:37
  SPEAKER_08: Uh my face is on there.
• 1:04:38
  SPEAKER_08: I'm occasionally participating in a show with them if you're in the Baltimore or DMV area.
• 1:04:44
  SPEAKER_08: Uh but other than that, you know, I just make my occasional surprise appearances on various podcasts that are recorded in this city.
• 1:04:52
  SPEAKER_08: And that's what I do.
• 1:04:53
  Matt: Hell yeah.
• 1:04:54
  Matt: All right.
• 1:04:55
  Matt: Well, Megan, thank you so much for joining us here on You Didn't Ask for This.
• 1:05:01
  Matt: Uh looking forward to the next time already.
• 1:05:04
  SPEAKER_08: Yay, thank you so much for having me.
• 1:05:06
  SPEAKER_08: Uh yeah.
• 1:05:08
  SPEAKER_08: All right, bye.
• 1:05:10
  SPEAKER_07: Bye.
• 1:05:10
  SPEAKER_07: Okay, bye.
• 1:05:11
  Matt: Okay, bye.
• 1:05:12
  SPEAKER_07: Okay, bye.
• 1:05:13
  SPEAKER_07: Okay, bye.
• 1:05:13
  SPEAKER_07: Bye.
• 1:05:19
  Matt: All right, Eric.
• 1:05:21
  Matt: Well, uh, another guest in the books.
• 1:05:24
  Matt: What do you say we move on to some dumb crime?
• 1:05:27
  Eric: Let's do some dumb crime.
• 1:05:29
  Matt: Yeah.
• 1:05:30
  Matt: Yeah.
• 1:05:30
  Matt: Uh, what do you got for me here tonight, Eric?
• 1:05:33
  Matt: You got a tale to tell me?
• 1:05:34
  Eric: So, Matt, I'm just gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna come as I am.
• 1:05:38
  Eric: Please do.
• 1:05:39
  Eric: Uh man stabbed in butt on train platform didn't notice until he got home.
• 1:05:45
  Eric: NYD.
• 1:05:47
  Eric: A man was stabbed in his buttocks several times.
• 1:05:51
  Eric: Several times by another uh by another strap hanger on the subway platforms in Forest Hills.
• 1:05:59
  Eric: Mm-hmm.
• 1:06:00
  Eric: But told police he was not aware of it until he returned home.
• 1:06:05
  Eric: The man was waiting for the F train at 71st Continental Avenue Station in Forest Hills around 710 PM when he said another passenger, quote, bumped into him, according to the NYPD.
• 1:06:18
  Eric: Nice.
• 1:06:18
  Eric: The victim, who said his attacker was wearing a red and black checkered coat and black pants, said the man followed him when he got on the train and then when he got off at the Union Turnpike Station, where the victim told investigators the man, quote, bumped into his buttocks several more times, authorities said.
• 1:06:38
  Eric: The victim said he did not know the assailant and no dispute preceded the incident, according to the police.
• 1:06:44
  Eric: He also said that initially he felt no pain and did not realize he was actually stabbed until he went home and saw blood on his pants.
• 1:06:52
  Eric: He then discovered three puncture wounds to his left buttock and one to his right buttock, each of them about an inch wide.
• 1:07:01
  Eric: What?
• 1:07:02
  Eric: Police said.
• 1:07:04
  Eric: The victim reported the incident and was taken to Forest Hills Hospital and is in stable condition.
• 1:07:10
  Matt: Eric.
• 1:07:12
  Matt: How much drugs do you think this individual was on?
• 1:07:14
  Matt: Because how do you not feel like that?
• 1:07:16
  Matt: Just look at her or the stabby.
• 1:07:18
  Matt: I've never been stabbed.
• 1:07:20
  Matt: Alright?
• 1:07:20
  Matt: I've never been stabbed.
• 1:07:22
  Matt: But what I'll tell you this any little infraction to my skin.
• 1:07:27
  Matt: Infraction.
• 1:07:28
  Matt: I feel so I feel as though four inch stab wounds would be a red flag for me.
• 1:07:39
  Eric: Here's what I'm gonna hit you with.
• 1:07:41
  Eric: I don't think he didn't feel them.
• 1:07:42
  Eric: I think he was worried about looking like a sissy in front of the cops.
• 1:07:47
  Eric: So we realized he was stabbed in the ass.
• 1:07:49
  Eric: I feel like it was just one of those, oh yeah, no, I didn't even feel it, bruh.
• 1:07:53
  Matt: Oh yeah.
• 1:07:53
  Matt: Oh bro, I didn't even notice.
• 1:07:54
  Matt: Yeah, bruh.
• 1:07:55
  Matt: I got all the time.
• 1:07:56
  Matt: So you just think it's bravado.
• 1:07:58
  Eric: Well, he's been stabbed in the ass, Matt.
• 1:08:01
  Eric: It's like he's gotta take something from this.
• 1:08:04
  Eric: So like he's probably trying to put on a brave face, be like, oh I didn't even I didn't even notice.
• 1:08:12
  Eric: Yeah, but like you go like, oh yeah, dude, I was stabbed.
• 1:08:16
  Eric: And like, oh man, you were stabbed, yeah, in the ass.
• 1:08:19
  Eric: Right in the four times, and I cried really hard.
• 1:08:23
  Eric: Well, wouldn't you?
• 1:08:26
  Eric: I mean, nah, bro.
• 1:08:27
  Eric: I probably wouldn't even feel it until I got probably.
• 1:08:29
  Eric: Oh, yeah, that's right.
• 1:08:29
  Matt: All that all that all that karate training.
• 1:08:32
  Eric: Got all that, got all that karate training, testosterone pumping through my ass cheeks.
• 1:08:37
  Matt: Oh, nice, nice.
• 1:08:38
  Matt: I didn't know that's what had I known that's what you all were up to in the dojos, I would have joined.
• 1:08:43
  Matt: It's day one, man.
• 1:08:45
  Matt: Day one is the ass.
• 1:08:46
  Eric: When you can take an ass stabbing without flinching, then your training is complete.
• 1:08:51
  Eric: On day one?
• 1:08:53
  Eric: On day one.
• 1:08:53
  Eric: Then the next ten years are spent getting stabbed in the ass repeatedly until you can't flinch.
• 1:08:59
  Eric: By then you felt up enough scar tissue that your ass cheeks are essentially Kevlar.
• 1:09:03
  Matt: That's how you get those thousand hours I've heard so much about.
• 1:09:06
  Matt: Or ten thousand hours, whichever one, whichever one it is.
• 1:09:10
  Matt: Clearly, I'm an expert in nothing, so uh it doesn't really matter.
• 1:09:13
  Matt: Wow, that is a wild, wild story for many reasons.
• 1:09:18
  Matt: Uh I do think either either the victim was on some sort of uh uh reducing drugs, yes.
• 1:09:27
  Matt: Yes, or was very embarrassed uh by the way.
• 1:09:33
  Matt: Uh which probably honestly makes more sense, but not the healthiest option.
• 1:09:38
  Matt: If you get stabbed in the ass, there's no shame in it.
• 1:09:41
  Eric: There is no shame in being stabbed in the ass.
• 1:09:43
  Eric: There's no shame in crying about being stabbed in the ass.
• 1:09:45
  Eric: Full disclosure, if I was stabbed in the ass, I'd ball my eyes out and it'd be okay.
• 1:09:49
  Matt: Uh well, Eric, um, unfortunately, there is shame in false 911 calls.
• 1:09:56
  Matt: Ew.
• 1:09:57
  Matt: Yes.
• 1:09:57
  Matt: Or at least uh 911 calls for uh non-emergency situations.
• 1:10:02
  Matt: Look, it all happens.
• 1:10:03
  Matt: Sometimes you call 911 when you should have called 311, and they'll inform you that.
• 1:10:08
  Matt: They'll say, they'll say, look, that car parked in front of the the garage door.
• 1:10:13
  Matt: Like, that's a 311 call, buddy.
• 1:10:15
  Eric: Yeah.
• 1:10:15
  Eric: Oh, dude, when I was a kid, I thought if I ever dialed 911, even by accident, I would be like going to federal prison.
• 1:10:22
  Matt: I also had that fear instilled in me.
• 1:10:25
  Eric: And then it happened one day, and they were just like they were just they're hungover and annoyed.
• 1:10:30
  Matt: That's all I think it was the Dare people that put those thoughts in our heads.
• 1:10:34
  Eric: Yeah.
• 1:10:36
  Matt: Uh, but unfortunately, uh, I do have a story, however, that involves someone I don't think they meant to falsely uh uh call, but they did unnecessarily call.
• 1:10:46
  Matt: Um man kept calling 911 to report he was tired.
• 1:10:53
  Matt: And this this is from the smoking gun from September 17th.
• 1:10:57
  Matt: An Indiana man who repeatedly called 911 to inform police operators that he was, quote, tired.
• 1:11:04
  Matt: We'll spend the next two months resting up in county jail, according to court records.
• 1:11:09
  Matt: Daniel Schroeder, 61, was arrested a Tuesday night at his Evansville home in connection with a quartet of calls placed that evening to the police emergency line.
• 1:11:21
  Matt: Quote, the mail caller kept calling in stating that he was tired, according to a police report.
• 1:11:27
  Matt: Schroeder's calls about his wariness came a day after he pleaded guilty to a prior misuse of the 911 system.
• 1:11:37
  Eric: Oh, Daniel.
• 1:11:39
  Matt: In the earlier case, he copped to calling police to report that he was upset that a female relative was, quote, not following the rules.
• 1:11:49
  Matt: Which, gotta say, that's a pretty big red flag, police.
• 1:11:53
  Matt: Yeah.
• 1:11:53
  Matt: That's just a pretty big red flag in general.
• 1:11:56
  Matt: Anyway, a judge ordered Schroeder to serve six months in jail, but suspended imposition of the sentence, quote, on the condition the deft does not call 911 unless it is an emergency.
• 1:12:11
  Matt: Schroeder violated that agreement the following day.
• 1:12:13
  Matt: Fire for prompting prosecutors to file a motion seeking the revocation of his suspended sentence.
• 1:12:21
  Matt: Schroeder pleaded guilty Wednesday to his most recent unlawful use of 911.
• 1:12:26
  Matt: He was sentenced to 60 days in Vanderburgh County Jail on the misdemeanor charge.
• 1:12:33
  Matt: He his sentence in the original case was amended to 60 days behind bars to run co-currently with the latter case.
• 1:12:41
  Matt: And of course, his rap sheet includes four convictions for driving while intoxicated, as well as uh convictions for narcotics possession and leaving the scene of an accident.
• 1:12:50
  Eric: Well, some people, you know, text their ex their exes at 3 a.m.
• 1:12:55
  Eric: when they're drunk.
• 1:12:56
  Eric: Other people dial 911.
• 1:12:58
  Matt: And listen, I also frequently, Daniel, inform my wife throughout the day, especially on a Monday, that I am tired.
• 1:13:08
  Matt: I get the need to broadcast to the world that you're exhausted.
• 1:13:14
  Eric: But maybe I'm tired right now.
• 1:13:16
  Matt: Same.
• 1:13:16
  Matt: Maybe get it, maybe just get a TikTok.
• 1:13:19
  Matt: Get a TikTok about it.
• 1:13:21
  Matt: Or a Twitter.
• 1:13:22
  Eric: Just tweet at 911.
• 1:13:24
  Matt: Just tweet at 911.
• 1:13:26
  Matt: I am tired over and over again.
• 1:13:28
  Matt: I don't think anyone's gonna send you to jail for unnecessary tweets.
• 1:13:32
  Matt: No.
• 1:13:33
  Matt: But 911 is not there to talk about how you didn't sleep so good.
• 1:13:37
  unknown: No, no, no.
• 1:13:39
  Eric: Do you think like how how did he open?
• 1:13:41
  Eric: Like, was it just 911, 911?
• 1:13:44
  Eric: What's your emergency?
• 1:13:45
  Eric: I'm tired.
• 1:13:46
  Matt: Well, actually, if I may, and and of course, um, as always, I will put this on uh Instagram.
• 1:13:52
  Matt: If you look at America, he does look tired.
• 1:13:55
  Eric: Oh, he looks so tired.
• 1:13:57
  Matt: His mugshot, he does look like a a wearied man.
• 1:14:01
  Eric: He looks sick and tired of being sick and tired.
• 1:14:04
  Matt: You're like, he is looking at the camera with an expression that says, Can you believe this shit?
• 1:14:10
  Eric: Yeah, I'm looking in I'm looking in the eyes of this man.
• 1:14:12
  Eric: I'm like, oh, he's gonna complain about something.
• 1:14:15
  Matt: Absolutely.
• 1:14:16
  Matt: Absolutely.
• 1:14:17
  Matt: And that is his current exhaustion level.
• 1:14:20
  Matt: So anyway, don't go call a 911 for non-emergency issues, please.
• 1:14:26
  Matt: Please.
• 1:14:27
  Matt: Please don't.
• 1:14:28
  Matt: Uh and uh again, that was that article came courtesy of the good people at the smoking gun.
• 1:14:33
  Matt: Uh and I think that about I think that about does it.
• 1:14:37
  Matt: I think that about done did done crime.
• 1:14:39
  SPEAKER_03: Dangled do don't did it.
• 1:14:41
  SPEAKER_03: And for episode 25.
• 1:14:43
  Eric: 25, Matthew.
• 1:14:44
  Eric: We do.
• 1:14:45
  Eric: Our podcast can rent a car.
• 1:14:49
  Matt: Absolutely it can.
• 1:14:51
  Matt: It's out of college and into debt.
• 1:14:54
  Matt: So for all of us here at uh you didn't ask Chris, thank you for joining us yet again.
• 1:14:59
  Matt: Uh for those of you who've who've now spent over a day of your lifetime listening to these two fools.
• 1:15:06
  Eric: Oh, I never thought about it like that.
• 1:15:07
  Matt: We appreciate you.
• 1:15:09
  Matt: We appreciate you.
• 1:15:10
  Matt: Uh and if it's any consolation, we've been listening to us talk for far longer.
• 1:15:15
  Matt: So unfortunately, we we twice as long, in fact.
• 1:15:19
  Matt: We we just have to live with this.
• 1:15:20
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 1:15:21
  Matt: Uh so uh if you have least pressing questions of this world, bring them to us.
• 1:15:28
  Matt: Yep.
• 1:15:29
  Matt: You can do so at you didn't ask pod, the letter you didn't ask pod on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook.
• 1:15:36
  Matt: And of course, you can email us at you didn't ask for this at gmail.com.
• 1:15:40
  Matt: And you don't have to just email us questions.
• 1:15:42
  Matt: You could email us you're tired a letter.
• 1:15:46
  Matt: Tell us it, tell us you're tell us you're tell us you're tired.
• 1:15:50
  Matt: Not not 911.
• 1:15:52
  Matt: But you could write us a letter about you could rebuke something in in our in of our views if you find something that's wrong.
• 1:16:02
  Matt: Uh really, you send feel free.
• 1:16:05
  Matt: We love to hear from you.
• 1:16:06
  Matt: So for all of us here, uh, you didn't ask for this.
• 1:16:10
  Matt: Again, thank you for joining us.
• 1:16:12
  Matt: And uh after the uh after the credits today, stick around for a sneak preview of the trailer of uh Beneath the Headlines Season One, 50 Cent Beer Night and the Legend of the Dundalk Upper Deckers, a new parody true crime podcast.
• 1:16:31
  Matt: Uh that was created by myself, Megan Stanton, and Paul Diem, and of course features a star turn by Eric Puss.
• 1:16:41
  Matt: Stop.
• 1:16:42
  Matt: It's uh it's it's a it's a fictional uh true crime podcast, so fictional crime podcast.
• 1:16:49
  Matt: Uh it's a lot of fun.
• 1:16:51
  Matt: So stick around after the credits and get a get a preview of that as I said.
• 1:16:56
  Matt: So uh, but for everybody for everybody else here on this podcast, my name is Matt Shay.
• 1:17:02
  Eric: My name's Eric Poach.
• 1:17:03
  Eric: You didn't ask, but you wouldn't put tomato in the fridge.
• 1:17:08
  Eric: I don't put sugar or water or vinegar in the fridge.
• 1:17:12
  Matt: Tomatoes in the fridge either.
• 1:17:15
  Matt: No, fuck no! Eric, you're doing this wrong from the get-go.
• 1:17:19
  Matt: From the vine on.
• 1:17:27
  Matt: Your your produce habits are concerning.
• 1:17:31
  SPEAKER_08: Uh, you know the sound.
• 1:17:49
  SPEAKER_08: Whether you think of it as America's pastime, or just the sport your parents forced you to play in middle school, most Americans have some connection with the game of baseball.
• 1:17:58
  SPEAKER_08: And whether you're a fan or not, living in a baseball town is a unique experience.
• 1:18:03
  SPEAKER_08: It can feel like the team represents the city itself.
• 1:18:06
  SPEAKER_08: Like they represent, well, you.
• 1:18:09
  SPEAKER_08: Even in an off-year, nothing brings a fan base together like watching the hometown team fight for a shot at the playoffs.
• 1:18:17
  SPEAKER_08: After all, who doesn't like an underdog story?
• 1:18:21
  SPEAKER_08: But what happens when that hometown team, the one you've supported season after season, no matter what, betrays you?
• 1:18:28
  SPEAKER_08: What happens to your passion then?
• 1:18:31
  SPEAKER_08: Back in the summer of 2021, one fan found out.
• 1:18:37
  Matt: And now in Sporting News, we continue to bring you coverage of the strange saga playing out in Baltimore, where a man known as Big Joe Bandicoot has been starting a grassroots campaign to found the 31st Major League Baseball team, the Dundalk Upper Deckers.
• 1:18:54
  SPEAKER_01: That's right, Keith.
• 1:18:56
  SPEAKER_01: What seemed like a midsummer prank has turned into one of the most trending stories of the summer, as the Baltimore Orioles announced today that they have formally challenged the Upper Deckers to an exhibition game on October 7th.
• 1:19:08
  Matt: Yes, and in his press conference that followed, Big Joe declared the game would be Camden Yards's first ever, get this, 50 Cent Beer Night.
• 1:19:18
  Matt: Madness is what it was.
• 1:19:22
  Matt: Never forget it.
• 1:19:24
  SPEAKER_08: Okay, so you were there.
• 1:19:25
  Matt: Was I there?
• 1:19:26
  Matt: Of course I was there.
• 1:19:27
  Matt: Oh, Baltimore was there.
• 1:19:29
  SPEAKER_00: I tell you, I couldn't wait to spend time with my grandson at Camden.
• 1:19:33
  SPEAKER_00: But never.
• 1:19:33
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, never did I think we'd be ducking for cover in a dugout.
• 1:19:36
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know why anyone was surprised.
• 1:19:38
  SPEAKER_02: Once Joe gets going on something, he don't take no half measures, huh?
• 1:19:41
  SPEAKER_08: Joe is, of course, referring to Joseph Carlton Bandicoot, better known to you as Big Joe.
• 1:19:48
  SPEAKER_07: Big Joe.
• 1:19:48
  SPEAKER_07: Big Joe.
• 1:19:49
  SPEAKER_07: Big Joe.
• 1:19:50
  SPEAKER_07: Big Joe.
• 1:19:52
  SPEAKER_02: When was the last time you saw Joe?
• 1:19:54
  SPEAKER_02: Last time anybody saw him 50 Cent Beer Night.
• 1:19:58
  SPEAKER_08: The Upper Deckers captured America's heart in the summer of 2021.
• 1:20:02
  SPEAKER_08: But on 50 Cent Beer Night, they would become much more than a hashtag on Twitter.
• 1:20:07
  SPEAKER_08: They would become the most polarizing team in the history of the sport.
• 1:20:11
  SPEAKER_08: And they would change baseball forever.
• 1:20:18
  SPEAKER_08: This is Beneath the Headlines Season One 50 Cent Beer Night and the Legend of the Dundalk Upper Deckers.
• 1:20:24
  SPEAKER_08: I'm Megan Stanton.
• 1:20:29
  SPEAKER_08: Beneath the Headlines is sponsored by Single Carrot Theater.
• 1:20:32
  SPEAKER_08: To learn more, visit Single Carrot.com.