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You Don't Heal by Pretending It Didn't Hurt · Harder Than Life

• 0:00
  No regrets, it's not wisdom, it's armor. People saying it the loudest are usually the ones carrying it the most. Who in your life deserves the version of you that actually dealt with the regret? Who? If you have a child, you're bleeding on them. If you have parents, sisters, brothers, the world needed that version of you at that time. It now needs to heal the version of you. Your family needs it, and you need it, and I'm begging you for it.
• 0:28
  Regret is not the enemy. Silence, pushing it down, exiling it, is. It's not here to haunt you. It's here to redirect you. Learn from it, forgive yourself, and then go build the life you were supposed to be living all along.
• 0:47
  Those of you that are watching and you tune in every single week, please smash that subscribe button. We are focused on growing that for you to get bigger and better guests. I appreciate it. It means the world to me and our team breathing into you. If you're watching this on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify, subscribe on that platform. I have regrets.
• 1:12
  A lot of them. That might be the most honest thing I've said on this microphone yet. No regrets. It's not wisdom. It's armor. People saying it the loudest are usually the ones carrying it the most. Regret is not the enemy. Silence. Pushing it down, exiling it is.
• 1:32
  What if regret isn't something we're supposed to bury? A tractor beam of telling you where you need to complete something, where you need to finish. What if it's where you're meant to go? I'm Kelly Siegel and this is Harder Than Life. Today we're going to talk about regret is just a voice you never finished using.
• 1:55
  Hope you guys are enjoying these episodes. I am changing them up as I heal and riffing more on my healing journey and just being absolutely vulnerable and honest with you guys. So today we're going to talk about regret.
• 2:09
  all the regrets that I have, what I did to overcome them, and then four-step action plan. I never give you a problem. I don't give you a solution. And I really appreciate you guys being here. You can be anywhere you want in this world, but you decided to tune in to the Heart and Life podcast, and I really appreciate it. I'm going to do my best to give back to you each and every week as well as bring on great guests. So please, if you haven't already,
• 2:35
  Subscribe to us on YouTube. It's where our main focus is right now, but Spotify and iTunes are still a big part. So we're gonna start off with a story as I always do. My number one regret is starting off doing the work on myself so late. I really started when I was 43 and wish I would've started when I first started
• 3:01
  noticed there was an issue. So really the, which came first, the chicken or the egg? Did I stop drinking and start the work or did I start the work and then drinking kind of fell off? I don't know. I, I don't know what to say other than the moment I stopped drinking, I started feeling feelings and I had to process those feelings. So, um, yeah,
• 3:24
  There was a version of me that was operating on this unhealed trauma without me knowing it. I just kept repeating this. I was on life's merry-go-round, so to speak, and I couldn't get off. So I just was puking and bleeding on everybody around me that literally didn't cut me. So all my family, my friends, coworkers, they all felt the wrath of my unhealedness.
• 3:54
  Let me just say I'm sorry. I didn't know. And I regret it. I regret not starting sooner because I could be making a bigger impact had I started sooner. I'm going to be very foldable for you guys right now. There were several relationships that I sought after and held on to very dearly. I wrote about the ex-fiance and ex-wife. Those two relationships were because I didn't heal. And it was God going.
• 4:23
  For the love of me, Kelly, I'm sending you all the signs. I'm sending you all the pain. Please learn. And I didn't. I just kept going face first into these relationships with unhealed people. And this isn't a knock on them. I've wrote about in the past. It's about me and you, the audience.
• 4:47
  So I want you to understand that we choose people like attracts like and we choose people that are of equal mind of ourselves both emotionally and Financially and that's why they keep telling you that you are the sum of the people you hang out with most because your water rises to the top so I
• 5:09
  These relationships, even in business, so every relationship I picked was one from scarcity and fear that I literally was trying to heal and just give myself the love that my mother never gave me. So I would go to people that if I just performed, I would hope that they would love me.
• 5:30
  That hurts. So my regret is that I didn't start to work much, much, much sooner. I had some inklings around 30 that had some massive trauma that I needed to deal with. I had gone to...
• 5:44
  talk therapy but not really leaned into it so having said all that my every relationship from 30 till 43 was meant to send me a lesson and i regret not learning that lesson and working on myself sooner that aha moment for me harder to life nation is i realized i was put on
• 6:07
  this earth for a reason. And it was, I have been spared a life from beatings, from both my mother and my stepfather. I have been shot at, I've been stabbed, I've been run over.
• 6:20
  And yet I'm still here. And that's what tells me that I'm here for a reason. So I'm sure that a lot of you listening have had near-death experiences and say, well, why did I live and everybody else didn't? Or why didn't they get as affected as I did? Better late than never is what I would say to you. So I always thought I stayed in that regret because deep down on my subconscious, I thought it was bad.
• 6:46
  I really did. I just thought I was a bad person. I was just making bad decisions. And the bad decisions were hurting me and everybody around me. And for that, I regret it. During the pandemic, as I wrote in my Heart of the Life book, and I've talked about it many times, but if you're new to this, everything happens for you. So I broke up with...
• 7:05
  Brittany and with Aubrey and Christy, which was my ex-wife and her got together and filed a bogus lawsuit and forced me to level up. And at that very moment, I lost my daughter. The pandemic hit. It was literally March 20th, 2020.
• 7:23
  And I had two choices. One was to drink. And by this time, I was 15 months in to my sobriety or fight back and start massively healing. And I chose to fight back with a massive healing. Healing is gangster, guys. So regret is not a final verdict.
• 7:42
  It really truly is the voice with unfinished business. And I, and, and absolutely when you do have that regret and when it fully does feeling, you have to forgive yourself. You have to, you did not know any better. You did the best you could. And the reason why that regrets keep surfacing is because it has something to say that you haven't fully heard yet.
• 8:04
  Like I said a million times, God just keeps sending you a lesson until you learn it. And we mask it with that no regrets because it's just cool. It's one of those dumb things that people just say. It's a cultural phenomenon that is literally bypassing the spiritualness of what it's supposed to be. And it turns into a motivational quote in it.
• 8:26
  It's the dumbest thing. It's right up there with the dumb, with the catching flights, not feelings. People posting these motivational quotes and not actually doing the work. What are you doing? Feeling is healing. Owning your regrets is not a weakness, folks. It's not. It's the first honest accounting of your life, but it's really radical accountability.
• 8:46
  is saying I did this or I waited on this or I chose this person or I chose this path because I was afraid. And you're on this earth for a reason. I've said this over and over and over again. That delay.
• 9:01
  and your healing is costing your family, your friends, yourself, the true life you're meant to live, you are pushing further away by saying, I have no regrets. So regret is the gap between who you were and who you were supposed to be.
• 9:22
  And it stays open until you close it. And how you close it is through healing and leaning right into it. And it is painful. I am in the midst of it right now. By ignoring it, you're not only costing yourself time, but you cost the people, everybody in your ecosystem, you cost them their peace.
• 9:43
  you worship you your peace it's not a reason to collapse in guilt though man don't don't sit here and go oh my god i'm so bad like i did it's a reason to move with massive intention to look straight and focus on your goal and it literally could be i do want to live with no regrets because i do now when you're in alignment you can truly say i have no regrets without it being a saying
• 10:09
  And don't get me wrong, nobody says this out of malice. They're not saying, I have no regrets. It's a cliche. And they haven't yet woken up. You haven't yet woken up. I know there's somebody sitting there shaking their head right now in their car going, yeah, Kelly, you're right. If you're being honest, and I hope you are, if you made it this long, you know I'm right. I want you to focus on the future. We're not going backwards. You can't go back and fix and change the regret.
• 10:36
  You can learn the lesson, go forward in a way that honors the cost that you paid and shows that you did learn that lesson. Keep in mind, the rear view mirror is much smaller than the windshield. And that's because we're going forward, not backwards. There's some hard truths that I'm going to be completely vulnerable about. If you guys are watching this on YouTube, I'm super uncomfortable because
• 11:02
  is about as real and as raw. If you're still listening to this and I haven't lost you, it's because you're either here or you've been there and you identify with this, this is resonating with you. So for me, everyone who came in contact with me paid a tax on the trauma, on the childhood trauma that I didn't dealt with. I didn't even know, I had pushed
• 11:29
  the trauma down so deep that I didn't even think it was that bad. And now that I'm bringing it back up, I talked to my sister who's nine years older. I mean, she's like, it's worse than anything you could ever imagine. And I'd imagine that's for a lot of you too. And that's why we say no regrets is to minimize those feelings. And don't, don't, don't do that. Stay with us because coming up next will be the four steps that I'm going to give you to combat this, the four steps that I used. Okay.
• 11:56
  It's really hard to own our mistakes, our regrets, and even looking and saying the things that we're saying to cope, to get by. Hello. Look what TJ Maxx dragged in. The Devil Wears Prada 2 is now streaming on Disney Plus and Hulu. We are digital. We are downloadable. We are streamable. The fashion event of the year is certified fresh. Pull yourself together. We have work to do. Critics say it's smart and witty and the perfect sequel. That's all.
• 12:27
  Get runway ready for The Devil Wears Prada 2 on Disney Plus and Hulu. Rated PG-13. I ain't working. Do it anyways. Please. That's why it's called Harder Than Life. I don't know why I want to say this. The world needed that version of you at that time. It now needs to heal the version of you.
• 12:49
  Your family needs it and you need it. And I'm begging you for it because I'm close. It's still a work in progress, but I'm close. And I need to tell you this, peace, I'm starting to feel joy. I've been happy at moments, but happiness is fleeting. Joy is everlasting. I'm starting to feel joy, a tremendous amount of peace. And my purpose has never been more clear. And that was by leaning into these regrets.
• 13:18
  The longer you call the no regrets, the longer the best version of you stays dormant, stays hidden. And as I'm healing all those childhood traumas,
• 13:32
  That version of me that I was born to be is starting to come out. The true self. That was the person that I drank alcohol and did drugs to become. And I am seeing that person come out more and more and more every day. Unprovoked. No matter what's going on in my life. Whether it be good day, bad day. Or just a day. So...
• 14:01
  I always promise to give you guys action items. Four steps. Very simple. Very easy. I break it down easily. Digestible because I'm not the smartest guy in the world. And I want everybody to heal. I want everybody to be happy. I want everybody to be emotionally intelligent, emotionally equipped to handle this world. That's why I call it harder than life again. Harder than life, happier than life. Lead us to be healthier than life.
• 14:30
  So four steps. Number one is name the regret out. Write it down.
• 14:39
  Stop letting it live only in your body. And that's literally what happens when you suppress it. I'm learning this in the IFS, in the Integrated Family Systems therapy I'm doing. They're called exiled emotions. We just push them down and push them down and push them down, and they just get bigger and louder, and all they want to do is be witnessed. So if you just name it,
• 15:04
  I regret treating somebody this way. I regret lashing out because I didn't know any better. That's what I felt. It was my truth at the time, but it wasn't right. So I regret not quitting drinking earlier. I regret treating women poorly. So name it, write it down, and it tends to release it. That's step one. Step two, identify the cost honestly. Not to punish yourself.
• 15:32
  but to understand what you're converting and what the goal is. So for me, the cost to me is love. I was doing this in the pursuit of love and pushing it away because I didn't love myself. I didn't know how to love. I didn't know how to be vulnerable and allow my feelings out so I could attract the right things.
• 15:59
  And I built a self-fulfilling prophecy. So identify what it's costing you. And it's probably costing you the thing that you want the most. Could be money. Could be respect. In my case, it was love. So step one was name the regret. Step two is identify what it's costing you. Step three, forgive yourself. Not to let yourself off the hook. To pick yourself up off the floor. And to take action today and get moving and live the life you're meant to live.
• 16:32
  That one hurts. It's hard, man. Forgiving myself was hard. I didn't know any better. Everything I did was to survive, not thrive. Step four, build the life you were meant to live. The alignment, the joy, the peace, the purpose. Not as a concept, as a daily decision. And notice I said decision.
• 16:53
  So every single thing you do should be in alignment or towards that goal of living a peaceful, an abundant, a loving life. Because I got a news flash for you. If you're saying I have no regrets or you're pushing those things down, you're not living. You're just exacerbating the life that you don't want to live. So let's flip that around on its head.
• 17:20
  and feed the positive, which is the life you were meant to live. It's painful, but it's worth it. Those four simple and easy steps, name it, identify the cost, forgive yourself, and then every single decision, every single thing you do is with intention to build the life that you were meant to live. It's harder than life. It'll lead you to be happier than life.
• 17:46
  I want you to think about the regret you've been calling no big deal or hiding behind no regrets. And when you think about it, it's no big deal that I hurt that woman. It's no big deal that I screamed at one of my employees. It is. It really is. What is it actually costing you to keep it silent? For me?
• 18:09
  kept it alive. What would you do differently starting today if you let yourself hear it? If you faced your fear, if you looked in the mirror, what would you do differently starting today? Here's a newsflash. Sacred pause, guys. Three seconds. Three seconds between the activation and the response. Respond instead of react. Who in your life deserves the version of you that
• 18:39
  Ashley dealt with the regret. Who? If you have a child, you're bleeding on them. If you have employees, coworkers, which most of us do. If you have parents, sisters, brothers, who in your life deserves the version of you that Ashley has dealt with the trauma, the pain, the fear? So regret is just a voice you never finished using. It's not here to haunt you.
• 19:08
  It's here to redirect you. Learn from it. Listen to it. Forgive yourself and then go build the life you were supposed to be living all along. This is literally what I'm doing. The world needed you then. It still needs you now. Don't waste any more time. This is harder than life. Thanks for listening and I'll see you next Thursday.
• 19:35
  Please rate and share this podcast. I'm active on all social platforms and love to hear from my Segal supporters. Each and every episode is sponsored by my company, National Technology Management, the easiest and best IT company to do business with, delivering peace of mind with technology every day, even simplifying cybersecurity. Visit TrustNTM.com for more info. Until next week, be harder than life.