Latest / Mindful Success Path / Understanding Provider Men: Building vs Supporting a Man

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Understanding Provider Men: Building vs Supporting a Man · Mindful Success Path

• 0:32
  If you've watched any dating contents on the internet, then you are probably very well aware of the phrase, I'm not gonna build a man, I wanna finished product.
• 0:39
  I'm not gonna do a build a bear, so on and so forth.
• 0:42
  And sis, while I agree with you, you should not be building a man.
• 0:45
  We need to have a discussion about the difference between building a man and supporting a man.
• 0:50
  Because what's going on out here is that most women are conflating the two when they're actually very.
• 0:56
  Different.
• 0:57
  And if you keep going around saying, I don't wanna build a bear, I'm not gonna support a man, I'm not gonna do anything from a place of conflating the two and not understanding the difference between building and support, you're gonna stay single.
• 1:09
  So we have to talk about the difference between building a man and supporting a man.
• 1:13
  Hi, my name is Amanda.
• 1:15
  Welcome to this channel where we talk about how to manifest what you want in life without all the extra stress, chaos, and drama that most people are accustomed to.
• 1:22
  Lately we've been talking about.
• 1:24
  Relationship dynamics, nervous system regulation, and it's all based on my 15 years of experience coaching women in different areas of their lives and taking myself from a hyper independent, burned out, stressed out woman who'd been single for 15 years to getting swooped up by my husband in about four.
• 1:42
  Month.
• 1:42
  So if that's something that you're interested in, make sure to subscribe and hit the notification bell so you don't miss a single video that we have coming out on this channel.
• 1:50
  And as always, give it a like,'cause it helps us get it in front of more women.
• 1:53
  'cause most women out here are confused these days and we're trying to make sense of a crazy world on this channel.
• 2:01
  Also as always.
• 2:02
  If I have any extra resources available for you, for those of you who wanna go deeper, you can find them all in the description or this QR code around here, and I will make mention of them as we go through the video.
• 2:14
  So here's the thing, there's a huge difference between building a man and supporting a man.
• 2:18
  And most emotionally immature women do not understand the difference between the two.
• 2:23
  And that's why you see them yelling about how they're not gonna build a man and they want the finished product and they want the millionaire already so a lot of this has to do, the confusion, has to do with emotional immaturity, where a lot of women just want a man who's a multimillionaire and he's got six figures and six feet.
• 2:40
  The six pack or whatever it is that they say on the internet, um, these days, not realizing that's not the majority of men, let's start there.
• 2:49
  Most men do not.
• 2:50
  Like maybe 1% of men in the world actually, uh, meet those requirements.
• 2:56
  Number one.
• 2:57
  Right.
• 2:57
  But number two, um, most men don't even reach their prime for earning until their fifties.
• 3:04
  And a lot of people don't know that, right?
• 3:06
  So you could go one of two routes here.
• 3:07
  You could marry a man who's much older than you, and some people suggest doing that, uh, or.
• 3:12
  You are going to be supporting a man while he's in his grind phase, which is a normal phase for a man to be in in his thirties and forties up until he reaches his prime.
• 3:23
  A lot of women don't know this about men and how it is that they develop, so they either throw the baby out with the bath water where there's very good provider men out here who are not multimillionaires, but they're providing for you.
• 3:36
  They're paying your bills.
• 3:37
  They're fixing your problems.
• 3:38
  They're, uh, solving issues for you.
• 3:41
  They're protecting you, they're making sure you're good.
• 3:43
  But he is not a multimillionaire.
• 3:45
  But because he is not a multimillionaire, a lot of women will be like, I'm throwing, no, no, I'm not building a man.
• 3:50
  'cause again, they don't understand the difference, uh, between building and supporting.
• 3:55
  The other way in which this shows up is you'll have women in their forties and fifties, and you see it online all the time, who have done very well for themselves in their careers.
• 4:04
  That's what they focused on, and now they can't find a man.
• 4:07
  I'm not saying that you can't find a man ever if you're in your forties and your fifties and you built a career for yourself.
• 4:13
  I'm talking about a specific kind of woman that's, that's all she focused on and now she's like 52, 53 years old and she's tired of paying all her own bills.
• 4:20
  I'm talking about that, um, archetype and a big part of the reason why.
• 4:24
  It's because a lot of these women, when you talk to them, they're like, well, I need a man who's gonna pay for my lifestyle that I created.
• 4:31
  And you, you could just, it could have been like, sis, you never had to create that lifestyle for yourself to begin with.
• 4:36
  Right?
• 4:36
  Like, you didn't have to stress yourself out like that.
• 4:39
  It's just that society told you you should stress yourself out like that and now you're tired and now you don't wanna pay your own bills.
• 4:44
  Now you're wondering where the men are, uh, trying that you want.
• 4:47
  To swoop you up, right?
• 4:48
  So that's kind of what happens here a lot of times on the internet.
• 4:51
  And again, it's just emotionally immature people who don't understand the nuances, um, of relationships, and don't understand the difference between building a man and supporting a man.
• 5:00
  So let's get into it.
• 5:02
  When you're building a man.
• 5:04
  You're getting with a man, usually he's a lot younger.
• 5:07
  So let's, let's start there.
• 5:08
  There's a reality of age here, right?
• 5:10
  So when a man's in his twenties usually has no idea what he's going on, thirties and forties, he's in a grinding stage, fifties.
• 5:17
  He reaches his prime when it comes to earning potential, uh, and his earning.
• 5:22
  So that's kind of what we're looking at here.
• 5:24
  So you kind of have to know.
• 5:26
  Where the man is at in his own psychological, uh, evolution as a man.
• 5:32
  And that's why a lot of times they'll tell you to date older, right?
• 5:34
  So if you're like 25 years old, like, don't date another 25-year-old, right?
• 5:38
  Um, that doesn't mean that you can't, or that you can't date a man who's younger than you.
• 5:42
  You just have to understand, you know what psychological.
• 5:46
  Point of his evolution he is in, and you have to make the decision that's gonna make the most sense for you.
• 5:53
  What I don't want you to do is throw the baby out with the bath water and then just go after 1% of man men and end up single for the rest of your life.
• 6:01
  'cause there's plenty of good provider men out here who are just still in their grinding stage and they're not asking you to pay for any bills, but there is going to be support involved.
• 6:11
  The building phase is more like you're seeing potential and not reality.
• 6:15
  You're dating a future version of him that you're hoping he will become.
• 6:20
  So for example, you get with a guy and he's very wishy-washy about his future.
• 6:25
  He's very wishy-washy.
• 6:27
  About his career.
• 6:28
  He has no proof whatsoever that he can be successful and provide.
• 6:34
  So I say this a lot.
• 6:35
  When I met my husband, I met him in a group of six and seven figure business owners.
• 6:39
  My husband knows how to make money, right?
• 6:41
  He had already proven it.
• 6:42
  He's in his thirties, we're both in our thirties.
• 6:45
  We meaning he's in a grind stage, meaning he hasn't reached his his peak yet at all in terms of being able to.
• 6:53
  Provide financially.
• 6:54
  So he's still in a normal grinding stage that most 30 something year olds are in when they are men.
• 7:01
  But that doesn't mean he's not providing Right.
• 7:03
  He's still the one paying the bills.
• 7:05
  He's still the one managing the money.
• 7:06
  Whenever I have a creative project like this, he's the one creating a lot of the structure for it.
• 7:12
  Otherwise, I would be all over the place, if I'm being honest.
• 7:14
  Right.
• 7:15
  Um, you know, but he's in the grinding stage.
• 7:18
  Hm.
• 7:19
  That's normal, right?
• 7:20
  Um, what a lot of women do is that they get with men who have shown zero proof that they can be successful.
• 7:27
  They don't have skills, they're probably way too young for them.
• 7:31
  Um, you know, and then they expect to somehow mold that man into some sort of future version where he is suddenly, uh, taking care of you.
• 7:42
  So what happens is a lot of women will get with these men, and they're going to invest emotionally, financially.
• 7:48
  Spiritually before he's earned that place in your life or before.
• 7:53
  He's proven that he can be successful before he's proven that he can earn money.
• 8:00
  That's the thing.
• 8:00
  And you might be saying, well, money's not the most important thing, but I heard another creator say this, and it's really great provision is not just about money.
• 8:08
  That's also a very immature way of looking at things, which is why women end up single in a lot of, in a, a lot of instances.
• 8:15
  Um, it's more about his ability to earn money and provide, shows, a certain level of maturity in a man.
• 8:24
  That's all it is.
• 8:25
  Right, and there's a lot of things that have to do with provision.
• 8:28
  Money's just one of them.
• 8:29
  I can do another uh, video about that right now.
• 8:33
  The other thing that happens when you're building a man is you're giving him tools, strategies, affirmations.
• 8:37
  You're coaching your man, your mothering, your man, and meanwhile, he's totally passive, meaning he's not taking any of this shit.
• 8:45
  Into account that you're telling him or he's just unavailable.
• 8:48
  Right?
• 8:49
  And what's going on here when you're building a man is you're actually trying to save a man.
• 8:53
  You have a savior complex.
• 8:54
  You know how we make men make jokes about how they're like, captain save Aho.
• 8:58
  There's a lot of captain.
• 8:59
  Save AHO women too.
• 9:01
  Okay?
• 9:02
  And that's what's going on out here too.
• 9:03
  That's building a man.
• 9:05
  Building a man is saving a man.
• 9:08
  Support is something entirely different, and support is something that you're going to be doing in a long-term relationship.
• 9:15
  So here's what support actually looks like.
• 9:18
  Support is showing up once he's already leading himself.
• 9:21
  So again, looking for these specific markers, right?
• 9:24
  Can he earn money?
• 9:25
  Does he have a career?
• 9:27
  Does he have skill sets?
• 9:28
  Um, has he proven that he could be successful before?
• 9:31
  Is has he proven that he is responsible?
• 9:33
  Has he proven that he is a man of his word?
• 9:36
  Has he proven that he does what he says and he has integrity, which is a huge part of a mature, healthy masculine man?
• 9:44
  Uh, is he emotionally available?
• 9:46
  These are all things to look for before you start, you know, supporting a man in that.
• 9:50
  Way, another way to support a man is to witness his process instead of trying to go fix everything.
• 9:56
  I've oftentimes said this, um, and I'm not perfect at this.
• 9:59
  No woman is okay.
• 10:01
  Women who are married.
• 10:02
  Sometimes this stuff is harder for us'cause we're actually like living together and managing things together because all that kind of stuff.
• 10:08
  But I try not to give my husband advice unless he asks me for it.
• 10:12
  And sometimes he'll still ask me for it.
• 10:14
  And if I don't have an answer, I don't have an answer.
• 10:18
  Right.
• 10:19
  I'm not gonna jump in, uh, to try and fix it.
• 10:21
  Sometimes I have an answer, sometimes I don't, and I just have to leave it alone.
• 10:26
  Um, so it's more about the witnessing process, right?
• 10:30
  And it's more about encouraging him, because here's the thing, like.
• 10:34
  Your husband's gonna have a bad day, right?
• 10:36
  Because that's human and that's life.
• 10:39
  It happens, they're gonna have a hard day at work.
• 10:41
  They're gonna have challenges.
• 10:42
  They're gonna have struggles like this is life, okay?
• 10:46
  It is normal for these things to happen in life.
• 10:50
  And there are some cultures that understand that.
• 10:52
  There's cultures that understand, and this is why you have to marry date and marry based on values like one of the things that attracted me to my husband is when we first gotten together.
• 11:02
  He was going through some really, like, we were both going through major life changes at the exact same time.
• 11:08
  And there were a lot of challenges that came with that.
• 11:11
  Not in like a bad way, challenges, uh, but just change.
• 11:14
  A lot of change.
• 11:15
  And then there were some things that were very stressful, like losing a parent, for example, um, and things like that.
• 11:22
  And I saw my husband rise up to the occasion over and over and over and over again, and I was like, oh, okay, well if this is how he responds, well shit is hitting the fan.
• 11:32
  This is, this is a good partner to have.
• 11:34
  You know, so that's one of the things, um, to keep in mind as well.
• 11:39
  So that would be an example of,, him already, leading himself another way, um, would be the fact that it was more witnessing his process rather than fixing everything for him all the time.
• 11:49
  And I saw how he was able to really step up and, um.
• 11:53
  Handle things for himself honestly, without me having to go in, um, and handle it, which I know a lot of women struggle with that right now with their men.
• 12:01
  It's also about encouraging, uh, a man and not telling him what to do.
• 12:06
  So my husband has all these ideas for businesses.
• 12:09
  He runs one, two, like two or three businesses, um, right now.
• 12:12
  I not including this one.
• 12:14
  This is stuff that he does on his own.
• 12:15
  I know a lot of you are like, oh, you guys run businesses together.
• 12:18
  He's not really providing, my husband's got like three businesses on his own.
• 12:22
  Okay.
• 12:23
  He's the one paying the bills.
• 12:25
  He just helps me out over here when it comes to tech things and structure.
• 12:29
  'cause he's really good at it and wants to solve my problems.
• 12:31
  Okay.
• 12:32
  That's the difference.
• 12:33
  Um, and one of the things when it comes to that and all his goals and his dreams, right, there's an encouragement.
• 12:40
  Right.
• 12:40
  There's an encouragement that that women do and unfortunately what most women out here do is they tear a man down.
• 12:47
  They cut him off at the knees.
• 12:48
  They're like, you're crazy.
• 12:49
  What are you doing?
• 12:50
  Why are you working so hard?
• 12:52
  That's one extreme of it.
• 12:53
  Or the other extreme of it is they're with a man who shows no future whatsoever and no skills and no success, and then try and turn that man into something that he's just not that man.
• 13:05
  Now, also.
• 13:06
  In aligned dynamics, meaning there's a healthy dynamic between the two partners, support actually flows both ways.
• 13:12
  It's co-creative.
• 13:13
  It's not one sided, and that's a mistake that a lot of women make, right?
• 13:18
  Because they confuse support with building a man.
• 13:21
  Building a man is totally one sided, completely one-sided, supporting a man.
• 13:27
  Goes both ways, and you're going to be supporting each other in long-term relationships as you life together.
• 13:34
  Now, a masculine man does not need to be built, right?
• 13:37
  You don't need to tell him what to do.
• 13:39
  He'll ask for your advice, he'll ask for your counsel.
• 13:42
  He'll come around and be like, Hey, what's your opinion on this?
• 13:45
  Or, Hey, can you listen to.
• 13:46
  For me, I'd really value your opinion.
• 13:47
  They'll do that, but you don't need to tell them what to do more often than not, when it comes to masculine men, you just need to give them space.
• 13:55
  You need to give them space to figure out their own problems.
• 13:58
  And a big mistake that a lot of women make in marriages and long-term relationships is that they're constantly solving a problem.
• 14:04
  They're constantly jumping in to solve the problem.
• 14:07
  And then what happens is that you are.
• 14:10
  Unknowingly Emasculating a man every time you do that also, um, men will be like, okay, well if I can never do anything right, or if he's just gonna, she's just gonna go solve the problem anyway, then I'm just not gonna do anything because if I go fix it, she's gonna chew me out.
• 14:27
  Right.
• 14:27
  That's another way in which that shows off.
• 14:29
  Oftentimes men just need space to figure out their own problems, and then if they want your assistance or they want your help or they want your support, they're going to ask you, for it.
• 14:39
  Now, here's why high achieving women fall into the trap of building a man versus supporting a man.
• 14:46
  Number one, you are used to solving problems and over functioning because that's how you feel safe, and it's how you feel like you are in control.
• 14:53
  So you're trying to.
• 14:54
  Control a man.
• 14:56
  Deep down, you might believe that love or someone loving you has to be earned through effort, which would make sense because when you are.
• 15:06
  In a career situation, logic would dictate that the way you make more money is through more effort, which by the way, is completely false.
• 15:14
  But that's a conversation for another time, right?
• 15:16
  We're just gonna keep it simple right now, where in your career, the more effort you put, the more money that you make.
• 15:22
  Um.
• 15:22
  Or at least that's the common consensus, even though it's not spiritually true.
• 15:27
  But we'll say that's the common consensus, and then you just take that same logic and you apply it to your relationship.
• 15:32
  So you get with a dude where you have to do a whole lot of effort in the hopes that he will love you.
• 15:39
  The other reason why this happens is because you've been conditioned to prove your worth by being useful or helping.
• 15:44
  And what happens is when you are overly useful or helping too much, you're just being a good person.
• 15:50
  In your eyes, but this is one of the mistakes that women make when they're dating that actually pushes healthy, masculine men away.
• 15:57
  It also pushes money away, by the way, is in trying to be useful or helping, there's a lot of women out here who give a whole lot of unsolicited advice, okay?
• 16:05
  'cause they think they know better.
• 16:07
  Than you.
• 16:08
  Um, so that's one of the ways in which you sabotage relationships with healthy men and then end up attracting men that you do have to build.
• 16:16
  And here's the thing, feminine energy, she doesn't have to prove, right?
• 16:19
  Feminine energy invites and receives, and feminine energy will give counsel when she's asked for it.
• 16:27
  She's not gonna go interject unsolicited advice or try and tell people what to do.
• 16:32
  That's kind of how it works.
• 16:34
  Now, here's how you shift from being a builder to being a receiver who just so happens to support a man in a long-term relationship because the support is mutual.
• 16:44
  When you are in long-term relationships, you have to stop managing men's lives.
• 16:48
  And again, I know this is really hard, right?
• 16:51
  And this is why I'm like, go have, you know, manage your kids.
• 16:54
  If you don't have kids, get pets.
• 16:56
  That's what I do.
• 16:56
  We have a cat and a dog, I manage them, right?
• 16:58
  Go get plants.
• 16:59
  Go, go do something.
• 17:00
  Or have a business or a creative project where you can have this like need to take care of stuff like you, you take it out there and not on your man, right?
• 17:09
  So, uh, you have to stop managing men's lives.
• 17:12
  And you have to let them, uh, show you who they are without your influence.
• 17:16
  And again, this is about using a lens of discernment, right?
• 17:19
  So a lot of you are end up choosing men that you do have to build.
• 17:23
  Uh, you're choosing men who have shown no signs of being healthy.
• 17:27
  You choose men who show no signs of being able to take care of you.
• 17:31
  You're like, I can change him.
• 17:32
  I'm gonna add something here that another reason why women do this is because women have a fantasy that they're gonna be the one special woman that a man changes.
• 17:40
  For let go of the fantasy, let it go and come back into reality.
• 17:46
  The other thing that you wanna do is you wanna raise your standards, because if he's not leading himself, he is not your match girl.
• 17:52
  You're gonna feel like you're taking care of a grown man for the rest of your life.
• 17:56
  The other thing you wanna learn how to do is you wanna learn how to be in your feminine energy.
• 18:00
  So she's present to the moment.
• 18:02
  She's process oriented, not result oriented.
• 18:05
  She's expressed, she's magnetic, she surrenders, and she's not.
• 18:09
  Controlling and you wanna learn how to inspire a man, not rescue a man.
• 18:14
  And I could do a whole other video on the difference between telling a man what to do and inspiring a man and then him rising up to the occasion.
• 18:21
  So if you want me to do a video on that, let me know in the comments.
• 18:24
  Now here's a quick recap.
• 18:25
  You are not his project manager.
• 18:27
  You are not his therapist.
• 18:28
  You are not his launching pad.
• 18:30
  You are the prize.
• 18:32
  And there's a difference between.
• 18:34
  Building a man where you are, the manager, the therapist, the launching pad, versus supporting a man because you are in a healthy relationship where you both support each other.
• 18:46
  Because when you're with somebody for a long time and you each have goals and projects or things that you're managing together, of course you're going to be supporting each other.
• 18:56
  That's just common sense.
• 18:57
  And that's just life.
• 18:59
  The mistake that women make is that they confuse building a man with supporting a man and then end up having this fantasy in their minds where the only man they believe in consider dating makes like six figures.
• 19:11
  It's six feet has abs, six pack abs.
• 19:15
  You know, and then realizing like you're really only competing for a very, very small percentage of men when there's plenty of men out here who perhaps are not multimillionaires yet, they're in their grinding phase, which is normal for them to be in in certain age groups.
• 19:28
  And they will still provide for you even when they are in their grinding phase and you're still gonna be supporting each other even if he's a multimillionaire.
• 19:36
  And I think this is what a lot of women don't understand.
• 19:38
  'cause I've known quite a few multimillionaires.
• 19:40
  They're still gonna want you to support them, right?
• 19:44
  Because again, building a man is not the same as supporting a man.
• 19:49
  So I hope this gave you a little bit more clarity.
• 19:53
  I know this is one of the ones that people get very confused about on the internet, and this is why you need to be really careful who you listen to on the internet out here, because most miserable women are out here keeping other women single.
• 20:03
  You have to be very careful about who it is that you are paying attention to.
• 20:07
  You need to talk to.
• 20:08
  You need to pay attention to people who can actually speak with nuance and some level of intelligence instead of just always throwing the baby out.
• 20:15
  With the bath water.
• 20:16
  Now, if you are interested in more resources, you can check them all out in the description below.
• 20:21
  I will put the QR code around here somewhere, but off the top of my head, I recommend the, uh, feminine Magnetism Mastery Program.
• 20:30
  So you start learning.
• 20:31
  Feminine energy.
• 20:32
  And then you also start learning seal.
• 20:33
  Um, you also start learning male psychology so you don't end up with a man that you have to build.
• 20:39
  And then I would also recommend checking out the magnetic commitment program because in there there's like a roadmap on the different conversations you need to have at each stage of a relationship so you can have a better lens of discernment when it comes to choosing mates.
• 20:55
  Thank you so much for giving me your time today.
• 20:58
  I will catch you on the next one.