Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S2 Ep17: Dad Life Struggles 🤣

Transcript

S2 Ep17: Dad Life Struggles 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_02: Now Christmas is a very special time obviously and uh special time in my house.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_02: I have three daughters and a wife, and uh you know Christmas presents are always a difficult thing.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_02: One of my daughters has a birthday near Christmas, and she turned 16 this year, and we decided to get her a car.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_02: Now, oh yeah, I went.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_02: But we bought her a used vehicle.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_02: Anybody that buys a 16-year-old kid a new car, I think you're pretty much a moron, okay?
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_02: Because you're not buying them a car, you're buying them a bumper car.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_02: That's what you're buying.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_02: You ever sat in the front seat teaching a 15, 16-year-old kid to drive a car?
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_02: Here's the parent in the passenger seat.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm still in the driveway.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_02: So we bought this vehicle, and you know, as a parent, there's things that you know you're supposed to teach your children, and other things that nobody bothers telling you that you need to tell them what to do or how to do or whatever.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_02: One of those things is how to put gasoline in a car.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_02: Now, I didn't have any sisters, but I know that boys by the age of three just innately know how to put frickin' gas in a car.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_02: Girls, apparently, not so much.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_02: Now, I will admit my wife is smarter than me, especially when it comes to raising kids, and she knows things about girls, obviously.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_02: And one evening, after my daughter had had her car for about a week, my wife came to me and she said very seriously, she said, Okay, her car is almost on empty.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_02: I'm going to take her and she's going to put gasoline in her car for the first time.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_02: And I, not wanting to look like an idiot, pretended I knew what she was talking about.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_02: And so I went, okay.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_02: A little while later, they came back from putting gas in the car.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_02: My wife walks in the front door, hands me a video camera, and says, You gotta see this.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm like, What?
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_02: She goes, No, trust me, you're gonna have new material for your show.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_02: So I re-rounded, hit play, and sure enough, there's my daughter standing next to her car.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_02: She has a door open on the gas tank, and she's standing there doing this.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_03: Mom, it won't open.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_02: Now, the first indication that my wife can be a very cruel woman when she wants to be is what she did to help the child.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_02: Nothing.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: She just stood there videotaping.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_02: Then you hear my wife say, Honey, remember, righty tidy, lefty loosey.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_02: And the sixteen-year-old girl goes, Whatever.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_02: Camera starts shaking.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_02: Then you hear my wife say, honey, turn it counterclockwise.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_02: My daughter looked at her watch.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm the father standing there watching the tape, going, oh no, no, no.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_02: Because I realized she was looking at her watch two or three seconds too long before she realized she was gazing at a digital watch.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_02: So as I grew up, I uh learned to appreciate all those monster things.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_02: And then when I had children, I taught my children that scaring and being scared was a great thing.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_02: My youngest daughter, Kenna, when she was a little kid, she was a master at scaring people.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_02: And when you're scared, there's one of two things that happens to you.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_02: You have one of two emotions usually, and it's usually fight or flight.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_02: And you don't know which one you're gonna do until you're actually really, really scared.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_02: And I'd never been really, really scared until my daughter started scaring me.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_02: This little twirl could jump out of nowhere in the middle of the darkness and like waah.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_02: And I wasn't a flight, I didn't scream like a girl and run away.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_02: I started punching.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_02: The worst was uh when I was upstairs in the master bathroom, I was cleaning a toilet, I had the plunger, I was plunging the toilet, I got finished, I was walking down the hall in the middle of the night like this, she jumped out of nowhere.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_02: My first reaction was like, whoa! And she's like, hey, dad, almost killed me with the plunger.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_02: Woo! She's laughing.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_02: That little kid would hide underneath my desk in my office.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_02: I had a desk that was fully enclosed.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_02: We'd sit underneath it.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_02: There was a little cave under there.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_02: She learned to hide under there, and she would sit there patiently.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_02: That's what's so evil about it.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_02: She would wait for 10 minutes and then reach out and grab my legs and be like, She eventually learned to take a pillow with her.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_02: She'd be like, ah, what the oh.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_02: Now, as they got older, I stopped scaring them, they stopped scaring me, but eventually my daughters and I figured out that scaring dogs is a fun thing to do as well.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_02: And one of our favorite dogs to scare is my little dog Roadie.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_02: Roadie is a five-pound miniature pitcher.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_02: And it's great scaring little dogs because it can't do anything to you.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_02: You know those candy bowls at Halloween that have the hand.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_02: Don't get ahead of me here.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_02: That have the little rubber hand that sticks up when you reach in to get the candy, it goes like this.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_02: First couple of times, like, oh, that's really funny.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_02: That is not a candy bowl, that is a dog bowl.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_02: Oh yeah.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_02: So I fucked this up, and the girls are at the house, and I'm like, girls, watch this.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_02: This is genius! They're like, what are you doing now, Dad?
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_02: I'm just watching this is great.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_02: I took the candy bowl, I poured out the candy, I put a piece of hamburger in the bottom of the bowl right in front of the hand.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_02: I put the bowl on the ground.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_02: Rhodie's comes running in, they're like, Dad, they're like, Dad, oh my gosh, this is hilarious.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, shut up, here she comes.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_02: Rodie comes running in, she's like, oh, look, there's a hamburger in the bowl.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_02: She puts her head in the bowl, back in the head.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_02: Roadie's looking around, like, what the hell?
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_02: Who hit me?
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_02: I'm just trying to get the hamburger.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_05: The girls are like, Roadie goes back.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_02: Then she figures out it's a stupid bowl.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_02: She's pissed at the bowl now, but she wants to get the damn hamburger.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_02: Ten minutes later, she's still trying to get the frickin' hamburger.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_02: Unfortunately, dogs learn.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_02: To this day, Roadie will not eat or drink out of a bowl that she's never met.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_02: Until she does her little army crawl.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_02: She'll be like this.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_02: It's sad, I know.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_02: But I let Roadie get back at people after that happened to her.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_02: We were shooting a television show.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_02: I had a dressing room.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_02: Outside the dressing room was the hallway where everyone would walk.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_02: And you could hear them coming around the corner.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_02: And I would go, Roadie's sick of them.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_02: She's around the hallway and come back in.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_02: People are like, oh, that's really cute.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_02: I took the shark outfit.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_02: I put it on Roadie.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_02: A tiny little shark outfit.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_02: The great thing about this was when the shark outfit was on the dog, you couldn't see the dog.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_02: All you could see was this misshapen shark kind of reptilian-looking thing.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_02: It was an odd color, a weird shape.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_02: It had a fin right here, two fins out the back, a thing in the tail, and teeth and eyes.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_02: It was fantastic.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_02: Now, when you're frightened, your emotions of being frightened take over, but then your cognitive brain recognizes really quickly what it is that's frightening you, and you calm down immediately.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_02: It's like, oh that's really funny.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_02: When something comes around the corner at you that your brain can't recognize, especially when it looks like some sort of odd reptilian prehistoric thing, your lizard primordial brain kicks in.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_02: And I mean 300-pound tough working guys would come walking around the corner.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_02: She'd come running around the corner like this, not making any noise, and they'd be like, What the fuck is that?
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_02: Now, Christmas is a very special time, obviously, and uh special time in my house.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_02: I have three daughters and a wife, and uh, you know, Christmas presents are always a difficult thing.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_02: One of my daughters has a birthday near Christmas, and she turned 16 this year, and we decided to get her a car.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_02: Now, oh yeah, I went.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_02: But we bought her a used vehicle.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_02: Anybody that buys a 16-year-old kid a new car, I think you're pretty much a moron, okay?
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_02: Because you're not buying them a car, you're buying them a bumper car.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_02: That's what you're buying.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_02: You ever sat in the front seat teaching a 15, 16-year-old kid to drive a car?
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_02: Here's the parent in the passenger seat.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_02: How is he gonna driveway?
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_02: So we bought in this vehicle, and you know, as a parent, there's things that you know you're supposed to teach your children, and other things that nobody bothers telling you that you need to tell them what to do or how to do or whatever.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_02: One of those things is how to put gasoline in a car.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_02: Now, I didn't have any sisters, but I know that boys by the age of three just innately not to put frickin' gas in a car.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_02: Girls, apparently, not so much.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_02: Now, I will admit my wife is smarter than me, especially when it comes to raising kids, and she knows things about girls, obviously.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_02: And one evening, after my daughter had had her car for about a week, my wife came to me and she said very seriously, she said, Okay, her car is almost on empty.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_02: I'm going to take her and she's going to put gasoline in her car for the first time.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_02: And I, not wanting to look like an idiot, pretended I knew what she was talking about.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_02: And so I went, okay.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_02: A little while later, they came back from putting gas in the car.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_02: My wife walks in the front door, hands me a video camera, and says, You gotta see this.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm like, what?
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_02: She goes, No, trust me, you're gonna have new material for your show.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_02: So I remounded, hit play, and sure enough, there's my daughter standing next to her car.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_02: She has a door open on the gas tank, and she's standing there doing this.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_03: Mom, it won't open.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_02: Now, the first indication that my wife can be a very cruel woman when she wants to be is what she did to help the child.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_02: Nothing.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_01: She just stood there videotaping.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_02: Then you hear my wife say, honey, remember, righty tidy, lefty loosey.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_02: And the sixteen-year-old girl goes, whatever.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_02: Camera starts shaking.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_02: Then you hear my wife say, honey, turn it counterclockwise.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_02: My daughter looked at her watch.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm the father standing there watching the tape, going, oh no, no, no.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_02: Because I realized she was looking at her watch two or three seconds too long before she realized she was gazing at a digital watch.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_02: A while later, they came back from putting gas in the car.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_02: My wife walks in the front door, hands me a video camera, and says, You gotta see this.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm like, what?
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_02: She goes, No, trust me, you're gonna have new material for your show.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_02: So I remounted, hit play, and sure enough, there's my daughter standing next to her car.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_02: She has a door open on the gas tank, and she's standing there doing this.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_03: Mom, it won't open.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_02: Now, the first indication that my wife can be a very cruel woman when she wants to be is what she did to help the child.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_02: Nothing.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_01: She just stood there videotaping.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_02: Then you hear my wife say, honey, remember, righty tidy, lefty loosey.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_02: And the sixteen-year-old girl goes, whatever.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_02: Camera starts shaking.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_02: Then you hear my wife say, honey, turn it counterclockwise.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_02: My daughter looked at her watch.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm the father standing there watching the tape going, oh no, no, no.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_02: Because I realized she was looking at her watch two or three seconds too long before she realized she was gazing at a digital watch.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_02: To answer your question, yes, she's blonde.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_02: But that's a good thing, because if she wasn't, that would mean she was just dumb.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_02: So she finally figures out, okay, turn it to the left, pulls the cap off, and of course we have those, you know, four, five, six-inch plastic leashes on a gas cap.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_02: I I look at those and I go, who the hell are these four?
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_02: Obviously, at some point along the way, the car manufacturers had a meeting and they went, okay, there's too many idiots that don't know what to do with the gas caps.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_02: We gotta put the frickin' leash on them.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_02: Were there people at gas stations going, oh no, oh no?
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_02: And then to add insult to injury, they put that little rack thing inside the door.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_02: And these same people are supposed to know, oh, you take the gas cap and hang it there.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_02: That's very organized.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you, right.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_02: No, those people are going, uh.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, so now she turns around, she gets the nozzle out of the gas pump.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_02: All right, now we all know that in the car there's a hole.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_02: And you have the nozzle.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_02: But there's also the sleeve that goes over the nozzle, has a little spring on it.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_02: That of course goes over the hole to keep the fumes from coming when you're filling up.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_02: You know, you would think that it's somewhere along the line in the last, I don't know, maybe maybe six months, she would have said to herself, Oh, I'm gonna be driving soon.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_02: Maybe I should watch mom and dad and take notes to see how to fill up a car.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_02: No, you know why?
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_02: Because for the last five years you've been sitting in the back seat going.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: My parents are so stupid.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: L-L.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, here's the picture of my foot.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_02: She tried to cram the entire thing with a sleeve into the hole.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_02: This cramming it, crushing and pushing it, and then there's camp saying, Mom, it won't fit, it's a wrong.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_02: Camera's shaking.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_02: Then she finally figures out, okay, it's gotta hang right there.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, now.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_02: She didn't turn on the pump, she didn't swipe a credit card, she didn't go talk to the guy.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_02: She just stood there, apparently waiting for the magic gas to flow.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_02: And then she started doing this, realized nothing was going on.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_02: She was like, Reezes over, squeezes a thing.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_02: Camera's shaking.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_02: Mom, it won't stay on.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_02: Tklunk.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_02: Here's a second indication my wife can be cruel when she wants to be.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_02: She didn't tell the child what to do.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_02: She walked over to the car.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_02: You see the camera getting closer.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_02: You see her hand reach into the frame.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_02: What she did took about half a second.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_02: This is cruelty to children.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_02: She reaches in, squeezes a thing with her pinky, flips it shut like this to keep it squeezed, hand out of the frame.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_02: My daughter goes, Mom, how'd you do that?