Latest / The Becket Cook Show / Fired during Pride month in NYC for posting videos about Jesus: Richard Matthews' Story

Transcript

Fired during Pride month in NYC for posting videos about Jesus: Richard Matthews' Story · The Becket Cook Show

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: Life Audio.
• 0:09
  Speaker 2: You are listening to The Beckett Cook Show with your host,
• 0:12
  Speaker 2: Beckett Cook. For more information about Beckett and his ministry,
• 0:16
  Speaker 2: visit his website at beckettcook.com. To help support the podcast,
• 0:22
  Speaker 2: visit patreon.com slash thebeckettcookshow. Please consider subscribing to the podcast
• 0:29
  Speaker 2: and leaving a five-star rating.
• 0:38
  Speaker 3: Hey guys, welcome to the show today. My guest is
• 0:41
  Speaker 3: Richard Matthews and I first discovered him probably a year
• 0:46
  Speaker 3: ago when a TikTok video of his went viral and
• 0:50
  Speaker 3: he had a job in New York City and got
• 0:53
  Speaker 3: fired basically for being a Christian because he was posting
• 0:56
  Speaker 3: videos about being a Christian. He also, God rescued him
• 1:00
  Speaker 3: out of homosexuality and he has a fascinating story. But
• 1:04
  Speaker 3: first a word from our sponsor. Here is the viral video.
• 1:08
  Speaker 3: I'm going to play it for you. And then we're
• 1:10
  Speaker 3: going to talk to Richard.
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: So I just got fired from my job for my
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: social media. And this is where I worked. And like,
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: I'm not crying or upset or mad. I'm just like, like,
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: this is, this is wild. And this is expected. And
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: There's nothing that I talk about on my social media
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: except for Jesus. And so obviously that has to be
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: the only reason. Now, they talked about me recording some
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: things in conference rooms. And my mindset was, this is
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: a big place. It's not that serious. I'm going to
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: really try to not have the logo be in anything.
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: They said the logo was in one of my videos.
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: I don't recall. But they said in general, overall, it's
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: against their social media policies. Um, which is very interesting.
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: I know places and occupations and jobs, they have people,
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: you know, take videos, like if there's like educational purposes,
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: but obviously don't have kids there or whatever. This only
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: happens when you stand in truth. And here's what I'm
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: going to do. I know the Lord is going to
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: provide for me, but I just wanted to let y'all know.
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: This is what happens when you love Jesus. And I'm
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: not going to stop loving Jesus. And I'm going to
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: bless them. And I hope they do well. But this
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: means that my time here is up. And there's something
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: else that the Lord needs me to do. So keep
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: me in your prayers. Love y'all.
• 2:58
  Speaker 4: Yes, it's dangerous out there to be Christian.
• 3:02
  Speaker 3: So please welcome Richard Matthews.
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: Hi, Beckett. Thank you so much for having me. And
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: that's crazy that you played that video. That's like two
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: years ago now. Okay.
• 3:15
  Speaker 4: I didn't know if it was, I thought it was
• 3:16
  Speaker 4: a year ago, but you know.
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: Oh, a year ago. What's math? You're the mathematician.
• 3:20
  Speaker 4: Well, the days are long and the years are short.
• 3:22
  Speaker 3: This is what happens when you, the older you get,
• 3:25
  Speaker 3: life just goes like 20 years go by in two seconds.
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: And I almost feel like, what's the scripture? Like a
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: thousand years is like a day to the Lord. Like
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: so much can happen. I know.
• 3:36
  Speaker 4: I know, right?
• 3:38
  Speaker 3: So talk about that video and why, what happened? Why
• 3:43
  Speaker 3: did you get fired exactly? And what happened? What were
• 3:47
  Speaker 3: you posting? And what was going on at that time
• 3:49
  Speaker 3: in your life?
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, so this job was really great because
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: I actually have been transitioning to find new work. So
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: I was like, this is great. I'm just going to
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: steward this and be faithful. But I always just kept
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: telling people about Jesus. I was just not unashamed about like, hey,
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: like I'm a Christian. But I wasn't being like weird
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: or like condemning or anything. But sometimes I would use
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: the office spaces to make videos. And all of it
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: was just, you know, talking about Jesus. Some of it
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: a little silly, a little positive, you know. But I
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: would just talk about my experience. And the social media,
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: I guess someone saw it. It was a familiar room.
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: I was trying to be so focused not to use
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: any logo. I was like, I don't want any logo.
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: I don't want any branding because I don't want to
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: get in trouble. I was trying to be very intentional.
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: But it's crazy. The day that they brought me in,
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: I heard from the Lord. He was like, first, I
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: need you to fast. And I was like, why am
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: I fasting today? He told me three times. And I
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: was like, all right, I'll fast. I'll prepare. And then
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: they brought me in and they said, hey, this is
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: a violation of our social media policy. And it was
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: just really strange because They didn't give me a warning.
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: They didn't give me a write-up. There was no reprimand.
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: It was like this immediate dismissal. And what's crazy, well,
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: not what's crazy. It was during June. So it was
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: during Pride Month, Pride Month. It was during June. And
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: I had just been very vocal, especially because of June.
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: I was like, hey, this is my testimony. I came
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: out of this lifestyle. Some of these videos, I'm walking
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: on the street and talking. And I'm just sharing what
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: the Lord has been doing with me. And, and I
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: guess they didn't like that. And so I was immediately,
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: I was fired. And then like, I had to be
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: escorted out the building. There were, I was like, I'm
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: not gonna crash out. I mean, but like, I was,
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: I was shocked and I was really stunned. But then
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: I also felt like, oh, like the Lord was giving
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: me a heads up. And of course this makes sense
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: with everything going on and the way corporate is. And
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: I was like, I'm glad that I'm fired for the Lord.
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: I know it's a weird thing, but I'm like, okay,
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: like being a Christian is for real. Following Jesus is
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: for real. Because if this was another religion, this would
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: not have happened. Yeah.
• 6:02
  Speaker 3: And I'll just remind you, and I'm sure you know this,
• 6:04
  Speaker 3: but in Matthew, when Jesus says, blessed are, because your
• 6:08
  Speaker 3: reward is great in heaven. Blessed are those who are
• 6:10
  Speaker 3: persecuted for righteousness sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
• 6:14
  Speaker 3: Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you
• 6:18
  Speaker 3: or fire you from your job and utter all kinds
• 6:21
  Speaker 3: of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and
• 6:24
  Speaker 3: be glad for your reward is great in heaven. For
• 6:26
  Speaker 3: so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.
• 6:30
  Speaker 4: So you're in good company. And okay.
• 6:35
  Speaker 3: So, uh, that is the craziest thing. And because when I,
• 6:40
  Speaker 3: when I first got saved, this was back in 2009.
• 6:43
  Speaker 3: So it was kind of a different, different time period, different, uh,
• 6:48
  Speaker 3: you know, zeitgeist, but, um, When I got saved, I
• 6:52
  Speaker 3: was so vocal on the set of every shoot. I
• 6:54
  Speaker 3: would just tell everyone about Jesus. And I always thought
• 6:57
  Speaker 3: I'm like, I'm gonna get a call from my agents
• 7:00
  Speaker 3: and they're gonna fire me like any day now.
• 7:04
  Speaker 4: And it never happened.
• 7:06
  Speaker 3: From 2009 to 2019 for 10 years, God like kind
• 7:11
  Speaker 3: of protected me from getting fired, from getting dropped from
• 7:14
  Speaker 3: my agency. But then once my book came out, A
• 7:19
  Speaker 3: Change of Affection, once that came out, that's when everything
• 7:23
  Speaker 3: hit the fan. That's when I got dropped from my agency.
• 7:27
  Speaker 3: I got all my friends dropped, like my old friends,
• 7:32
  Speaker 3: who I was still trying to keep a semi-decent relationship with.
• 7:38
  Speaker 3: I wasn't really hanging out with them, but they all
• 7:41
  Speaker 3: completely cut me off once my book came out.
• 7:44
  Speaker 4: Yeah. So what, what did you do?
• 7:48
  Speaker 3: I mean, we'll get, we'll get to your, the first
• 7:51
  Speaker 3: part of your story in a minute, but what did
• 7:52
  Speaker 3: you do right after that? Like, how did you recover from,
• 7:56
  Speaker 3: from not having a job in the New York city?
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: Yeah. So, I mean, like immediately after I was like,
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: I just want to tell people like authentically what happens.
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: And I think, um, as my platform has grown, there's
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: been a few or a lot of viral videos on
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: TikTok and Instagram that have happened because I've just been
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: so transparent. There's power in transparency and authenticity for those
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: who are even listening. So I just feel like I
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: immediately wanted to share that this is a real thing.
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: And then what was interesting was that earlier that day,
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: I had been wrestling with the Lord whether to do
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: YouTube and start a podcast. Because I was like, I
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: don't want to be in front of the camera. I
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: don't want to keep talking like this imposter syndrome. But
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: what if I mess up and stuff like that? And
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: the Lord kept putting it on my heart. So literally
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: that day, I filed everything to open up my podcast
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: on my YouTube, which is called Redemption Ministries now. And
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: it's growing. It's getting into an official nonprofit. And I
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: had like just literally just started out on my lunch break.
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: I like press published and everything. And immediately as I
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: come back, that happens. And so like the Lord has
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: just been shifting me and accelerating me and projecting me
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: into just continuing to share my testimony and continuing to
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: be encouragement for those, whether those are prodigals or people
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: who are struggling with same-sex attraction, people who are far
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: off and rebellious or even parents. I've been able to
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: be on a few different other podcasts, television shows. I
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: went on the 700 Club as well. I know you
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: were there as well. And I've just been diving in
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: with the word, trying to study to show myself approved
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: and continue to be just in relationship and good community
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: with my church. That is something that I can also say.
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: My church has been such a beautiful place. Shout out
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: to V1 Church in New York City to really be
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: a shield around me because they are the people who
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: see you for who you are. And discipleship is so important,
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: as well as intimacy with the Lord. So, you know,
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: things have been happening. And yeah, I think that answers
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: your question. So that's kind of what I'm doing now.
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: I'm still sharing.
• 10:06
  Speaker 4: We'll be right back after this short break.
• 10:09
  Speaker 3: Now, did you leave New York City or did you
• 10:11
  Speaker 3: stay there?
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: I stayed there.
• 10:13
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Um, I have been in New York. I moved
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: here at the end of 2019. And so I've been
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: here since 2019. And even though I got fired, I mean,
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: there's a temptation of like, so I'm originally from Georgia
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: and we'll get into that in a moment, but you know,
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: there's a temptation. I'm like, what should I do? Should
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: I just go back? Should I run away? Should I
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: start over? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But like I
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: stayed and I trusted the Lord and I felt safe, um,
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: to continue to just be vocal about my story.
• 10:40
  Speaker 4: Nice.
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: Nice.
• 10:41
  Speaker 3: Um, I love New York, but I haven't been in
• 10:45
  Speaker 3: a while, but okay. So let's go back to Georgia.
• 10:48
  Speaker 3: Let's go back to your childhood. What was it like
• 10:51
  Speaker 3: growing up? How, what were your parents like with you?
• 10:54
  Speaker 3: How many kids in the family?
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: Yeah. So I feel like as I've over the years,
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: I've learned more information about my family, which I think
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: is so important for people. So I grew up in
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: a single parent household. So immediately as I was born,
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: my mom and my father were getting a divorce and
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: And there was tension there and conflict with finances, with infidelity.
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: And as soon as I was born, my father and
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: my mother, they lost the house they were in. So
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: this was a big traumatic situation. My mom ended up
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: having to move in with her older sister for a
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: time in Georgia. Now, my mom and all of her
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: sisters are originally from Tennessee. So I'm like a Southern boy.
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: by nature I'm not a New Yorker very nice people
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: look at me and they're like oh you're really nice
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: you say hello so like I'm just you're just very
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: you know southern sweet guy and I have an older
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: brother as well but me and my brother are 15
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: years apart and we're like in different time periods basically
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: and we also have two different dads and my mom
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: in her first marriage she also got a divorce so
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: my mom has been divorced twice But at the time,
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: my brother was still with us. So me, my brother,
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: my mom were living in my aunt's house. And the
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: earliest memory that I had about my father was that
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: he came over and I don't know how old I was,
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: maybe three, four or five. Time is a little iffy
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: for me. But I remember I was upstairs in my
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: aunt's house and me and my brother were playing. And
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: then my brother noticed and heard that my dad came
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: in and there was this yelling that ensued. And so
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: he told me, he was like, hey, just stay here.
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: I think he told me to like hide near the closet,
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: which is crazy now that I look back at it.
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: So like I'm upstairs hiding. He goes down the stairs
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: a little bit to kind of scope out the scene.
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: And I just don't go near the argument that my
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: mom and my dad are having. And the argument is
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: even over like him taking some stuff back that I
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: guess like they still had at the house. My father, apparently,
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: he was a liar. He was like a manipulative liar.
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: He was controlling. He stole stuff. He would steal things
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: from his job. He was addicted to alcohol. He was
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: addicted to drugs, apparently. And on top of that, there
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: was lust. Before my mom, he was married and he
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: got divorced. And then he married my mom, got divorced.
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: And then he married someone else after my mom and
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: then also got divorced. So there was this continuous repetition
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: of just broken covenant. And he had a lot of affairs.
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: He would cheat in all of his relationships. And so
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: there was lust and perversion and everything in there. And
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: I say that because as we continue going on, I
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: think it's important to hear different people's stories who struggle
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: with same-sex attraction because maybe it's not necessarily an incident
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: of assault because my story is a little different. Although
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: it was traumatic, I just still ended up growing without
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: him around. I still haven't really seen him face-to-face yet.
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: I still haven't really seen what he looks like now.
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: I've heard him over the phone. I've sent like a text. And,
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: you know, I still just never really got that relationship.
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: So that was kind of my childhood and my upbringing.
• 14:12
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 14:13
  Speaker 3: And were you going to were you a church kid?
• 14:16
  Speaker 3: Were you was your mom taking you to church?
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: Great question. So, you know, my mom grew up in Tennessee.
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: They went to a small town church and then moving
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: to Georgia. God and going to church and religion was
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: really important to her. So she continued to do so.
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: And what ended up happening is that my mom and
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: my aunt, her sister, they went to the same church.
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: And this church started out small in Georgia, but it
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: grew and it like exploded into this big mega church.
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: So if you were around this area that I grew
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: up in, like everyone was going to this church. And
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: then my mom was a singer. So she ended up
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: being a part of the choir at my church So
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: I was always at church because of choir rehearsal. And
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: I also feel like during that time, I just loved
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: just the music and I loved learning how to dance.
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: Sometimes the praise team would come up. We had a
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: dance praise team and I would look at them and
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: I would like, that's really cool. I can do that.
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: And there was these moments where huge sanctuary, I kind
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: of would go off and kind of wander in the
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: aisles a little bit. I mean, the children were kind
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: of just there. Um, and I, I felt, I feel
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: like I felt that I connected with the Lord. I
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: could like feel his spirit. I could feel his heart
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: within the worship and the music. Um, our church would
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: do these big productions that I started to be a
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: part of, like for Easter, for Christmas and things of
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: that nature. Um, and then my mom, I mean, she
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: ended up putting me both in sports and then allowing
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: me to do these productions at church, like at the
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: same time. Um, you know, I didn't have a male
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: figure around. So she thought, you know, she did the
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: best that she could. And she planned with the idea
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: of like, let me put him in sports, let him
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: be around other guys and around other male figures. And
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: a few of those sports teams were even connected to
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: my church. And I didn't, I didn't have a good time.
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: A lot of the sports I didn't like. I didn't
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: like basketball. I was really good. The sport that I
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: really loved was soccer. Um, but like the others, I
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: was like, I'm not really into, and then I also under, like, I, I,
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: I went through some bullying, even some weird comments, even
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: for those sports teams that were connected to my church. Um,
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: but one thing that she told me recently, she was like,
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: even though maybe I wasn't as like instinctually strong as
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: some of the others or whatever, she was like, I
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: would be, I would listen well. And I would execute well,
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: like the coaches would say, like, like I can give
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: a play to Richard and Richard will like, he will
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: run it. He will do what he's supposed to do.
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: And I feel like that has connected so much later
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: in my life. But I started doing soccer a lot more.
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: And this is why I would say maybe like elementary,
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: middle into high school, things are a little blur a
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: little bit for my timeline. But I was doing sports.
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: But then my mom was seeing me be very creative.
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: She's like, Richard is picking up these steps. You know,
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: he can sing a little bit. We even had like
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: movie sets would come rent out our church or rent
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: out some of our people as background for their sets. Right.
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: And so I would be in some things as a background.
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: And like, you know, there was this one movie that
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: I was in, I guess I'll say, so I was
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: in Fighting Temptations when I was younger. And I was
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: one of the little boys in the choir scene in
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: the beginning, you know, starring Beyonce and Kubrick and Julian,
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: all the things. And so I was just there on set.
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: I met Pastor Shirley Caesar. And it was just a
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: really great time. And so my mom was seeing this
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: like artistic thing in me. And so she wanted to
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: grow that and develop me. So she was thinking about
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: putting me into like an art school. Now I would
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: say the caveat or not the caveat to that was
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: it was just really hard growing up because the bullying
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: started to get increasingly worse as I got into middle school.
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: There were times where like they would call my mom
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: because like I would run away or like I would
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: just be just like not OK. There was this one
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: time I shared this before, but this is a pivotal
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: moment that the Holy Spirit keeps bringing back to me.
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: like I ran away from class from everybody and I was,
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: we used to have trailers sometimes outside to do classes
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: and I was hiding behind this trailer and like no
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: one was with me. A teacher found me and they
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: had to call her and like I was crying and
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: then she had to come get me. I will also
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: journal a lot too. And she found one of my
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: journals one time and it says like, why don't I
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: have a dad? You know, like I feel so alone.
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: So just being able to like, take my thoughts and
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: write them down. Her heart was crushed because she's just like,
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: this is my baby. And I'm trying to do what
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: I can, but there's just so much bullying. I would
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: get bullied for not having a father. I would get
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: bullied for the way that I sounded, for the way
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: that I moved and portrayed myself, mannerisms. And it's just like,
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: I'm like 7, 8, 9, 10. I have no concept
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: of what's going on. And at that point, around 10
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: and 11 years old, I hear this word gay. And
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: you know, at church, you would even hear things about
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: this word called gay. Out in the open, you would
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: hear this word gay. But, like, I truly didn't know
• 19:20
  Speaker 1: what it was. Like, why is this such a bad thing?
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: And I think the church, you know, just looking at
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: it from a bigger sense, in that time period, they
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: did such a bad job of this word being so taboo,
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: but no one would really talk about it. You know,
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: there would be this whispering and pointing, so-and-so is in
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: the choir, oh, you know, he's X, Y, and Z,
• 19:40
  Speaker 1: he's gay, but, like, you know, no one is talking
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: about it. Or so-and-so, they got a divorce because he
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: was gay, X, Y, and Z, but no one, continued
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: the story and no one even brought in the Bible.
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: I would hear the pastor talk about what marriage looks
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: like between a man and a woman, but it's not
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: Adam and Steve, but that's like preaching at people and
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: at the problem without really actually helping people to understand, one,
• 20:07
  Speaker 1: God and what the word of God says. So around,
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: I would say that time there was a lot of bullying,
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: but my mom made a decision to put me into
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: a performing arts school that will cultivate my gifts. And
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: it was a better school academically and a better school
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: around the environment to keep me from a lot of bullying,
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: to keep me from, you know, the ghetto neighborhood that
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: we were around. And so my mom was like, all right,
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: we're going to do that. Eventually I chose the arts
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: instead of soccer around. And this, I would say, My timeline. Oh, Lord,
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: help me. I would say I was transitioning, I think
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: maybe like seventh grade, seventh grade, which I think is
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: still a little bit of middle school about to be
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: in high school. Seventh to eighth grade, I chose to
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: just fully pursue dance because I always loved dancing. I
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: did a few things, like I said, and my mom
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: was like, all right, you sure? Because we can't do both. So,
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: you know, she preferred the soccer, but like, you know,
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: we're going to do the arts. And I think my
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: mom had a special place for the arts because she
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: grew up singing, but no one helped cultivate the gift
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: within her. She won talent shows and things like that.
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: But she was in, you know, kind of the backwater
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: in Tennessee. And so she really wanted to see me flourish.
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: So I honor her for that because she spent a
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: lot of long nights taking me to rehearsals and things
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: of that nature, paying a lot of money for me
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: to grow in performing arts. So, yeah, that's why I
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: guess I'll pause here. as far as the artistic side
• 21:34
  Speaker 1: of me. And then maybe I can dive more into
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: how I started to learn more about gay and LGBTQ
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: and all the things. Yeah.
• 21:42
  Speaker 3: So before we get to that, so when you transferred
• 21:46
  Speaker 3: to the performing arts school, was it like a huge
• 21:50
  Speaker 3: relief to you? Kind of like, oh my gosh, these
• 21:52
  Speaker 3: people are not, they're like me and they're not bullying me.
• 21:55
  Speaker 4: And was it a great experience for you?
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: I don't, it was, yes, it was a phenomenal experience.
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: 10 out of 10, recommend. I just, I don't think
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: I was, I don't really think I was aware how
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: bad the bullying was until like I literally started to
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: come to Jesus. I was like, oh wow, this was
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: actually very traumatic. This was really bad. I like, like
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: for instance, I remember asking this one guy, I was like,
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: can we be friends? And he was like, yeah, we
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: can be friends if you tie my shoe. And then
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: like I tied his shoe and then he laughed at
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: me and then he like left. And I was like,
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: just like, I was like, oh my gosh, I didn't
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: know that that was like a pivotal moment. It was
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: a painful moment. And so I don't think like in
• 22:44
  Speaker 1: that time, like I was aware of how crazy it was.
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: I was more so focused on the present and I
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: was enjoying like, wow, like I get to take, I
• 22:53
  Speaker 1: get to dance constantly. And this ain't the church dance.
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: We can wave a flag and we can have some
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: nice outfits. But we are, I'm getting trained. We're doing plies.
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: We're doing tendus. We're doing chenets. Like we are, we're
• 23:07
  Speaker 1: doing this thing, you know? So that's what I would
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: say to answer that.
• 23:11
  Speaker 4: And so, okay.
• 23:12
  Speaker 3: So then talk about getting into kind of understanding what
• 23:16
  Speaker 3: gay meant and then how it affected you.
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: Yeah. So I feel like, not I feel like, what
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: happened was I ended up just looking it up on
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: the internet and the internet had just like opened, right?
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: showing my age a little bit, but the internet just
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: came on dial-up and speed. I felt like dial-up was slow.
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: And then something happened where it was like, it just
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: picked up where you can click on something and it'll
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: load really quickly. And so I was like, what is
• 23:46
  Speaker 1: this gay thing? Why do we keep talking about it?
• 23:48
  Speaker 1: Why do we keep talking about a church? Like, what
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: are these weird looks that we get when something happens,
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: when we see something on the TV or whatever, like,
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: what is this? And so I looked it up on
• 23:57
  Speaker 1: my own and I was around 10 or 11. One
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: thing led to another. It led from a Google search.
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: And back then, things were not as covered as they
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: are now. So I'm like, oh, okay, that's a little interesting. Click, click, click.
• 24:12
  Speaker 1: And now we're on a whole pornography site. And this
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: has opened up a whole world of, well, it's lust
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: and perversion and all the things. But I was just like,
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: what is this? And then my body is reacting. But
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: we've never really had a conversation about this. We would
• 24:34
  Speaker 1: have small talks with my mom about what it's like
• 24:36
  Speaker 1: with a man and a woman, but we never really
• 24:39
  Speaker 1: had a deep sex talk. I think sometimes I guess
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: people try to lean on school to also do that
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: with sex education. But I feel like sex education was
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: not even... I saw pictures and stuff. We made some
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: oohs and some ahs. We were snickering, but like to
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: actually talk about it, I don't think we end up
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: in the psychology behind it and what it makes you
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: feel as far as like hormones and all the things
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: that we, I feel like the school system needs to
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: do a better job, but that's another podcast for another
• 25:10
  Speaker 1: story for another day. But like it opened up a
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: whole nother world and what ended up happening, I kept
• 25:18
  Speaker 1: going back and then I kept going back to the
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: men because And as I think about and reflect on it,
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: I read this really great book by John Eckhart that
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: talks about rejection, the spirit of rejection, and how rejecting
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: is often connected to perversion, connected to our lustful exploits,
• 25:38
  Speaker 1: the things that we don't receive. It is actually a
• 25:41
  Speaker 1: God-given desire that we have that is supposed to be holy.
• 25:47
  Speaker 1: But if we don't have the right people around, if
• 25:51
  Speaker 1: we don't know the Lord, it leads to us wanting
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: to look for love in the wrong places. So I'm
• 25:56
  Speaker 1: looking at these men and I'm looking at men who
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: are very affectionate with each other. And like, I never
• 26:03
  Speaker 1: really had men who are affectionate around me. I've had
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: men that laughed at me, mocked me, did all these things.
• 26:10
  Speaker 1: And so like, that was the enemy twisting that for me.
• 26:14
  Speaker 1: And I continue to go back and just start to
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: just fantasize what like it's like to really have a emotional, available,
• 26:24
  Speaker 1: affectionate guy in front of me that I never had
• 26:28
  Speaker 1: my whole life. And even though I was young, I
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: knew it was wrong. So much so that I learned
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: how to clear the history on the computer. I was like, okay,
• 26:41
  Speaker 1: if I go back, this is going to go back
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: to it. And if like we have like a home
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: kind of central computer, I don't think my mom was
• 26:48
  Speaker 1: going on it a lot, but if she would go
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: on it, I was like, this doesn't make any sense.
• 26:52
  Speaker 1: So I was like, let me clear. I figured it
• 26:54
  Speaker 1: out how to do that real quick. And then I
• 26:58
  Speaker 1: feel like the conviction of what I've been hearing in
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: church was setting in. And I had remember what like
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: the Bible was saying. So there was this one point
• 27:08
  Speaker 1: where I ended up just flat out asking my mom,
• 27:10
  Speaker 1: what does it mean to be gay? And I think
• 27:12
  Speaker 1: you start to pick up as I got older, me
• 27:15
  Speaker 1: being in a performance arts high school, people were acting differently.
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: People were dressing differently. People were expressing themselves differently. They
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: started to identify as lesbian, as gay, bi. I'm like,
• 27:29
  Speaker 1: what is this word? What is this word? And now
• 27:30
  Speaker 1: I'm looking it up. I'm Google searching. I'm on Twitter.
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: I'm on Tumblr. Twitter and Tumblr, horrible sites. They were
• 27:40
  Speaker 1: not good at hiding or covering anything. I think everything
• 27:42
  Speaker 1: is better now, but everything was so available and accessible.
• 27:50
  Speaker 1: when my mom or my brother or when people, they
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: would look at something on TV. I think around that time, 2000,
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: what are we in? Seven, eight, nine, 10. You know,
• 28:01
  Speaker 1: LGBTQ started to be a little bit more prominent on
• 28:05
  Speaker 1: our screens. And I would see my mom turn or like,
• 28:08
  Speaker 1: you know, oh, like that's disgusting or whatever, whatever. And
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: I'm flinching because like, well, like I am now, you know,
• 28:16
  Speaker 1: not necessarily watching porn profusely, but, having that world open
• 28:22
  Speaker 1: up to me, it was seared into my conscience that
• 28:24
  Speaker 1: it would just replay. It would just be memory recall.
• 28:28
  Speaker 1: And I also feel like even my body and my
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: hormones grew faster because of that. And things are happening.
• 28:37
  Speaker 1: And I'm like, okay, things are different. What's happening with me?
• 28:41
  Speaker 1: What's happening with my body? But I would see this
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: disdain toward these same-sex imageries. And like, why are we,
• 28:49
  Speaker 1: why are we acting like that? So I asked her,
• 28:50
  Speaker 1: we had a conversation. She pulled out the Bible. She
• 28:53
  Speaker 1: talked about the collaborative passages. She talked about Leviticus. I
• 28:58
  Speaker 1: think it's what, 1822. We talked about a little bit
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: about the New Testament and the Romans and seeing how
• 29:03
  Speaker 1: homosexuality is an abomination. Red flag. I'm like, oh no.
• 29:09
  Speaker 1: Homosexuality is an abomination. I took that as I am
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: an abomination to the Lord. Hmm. Like you see how
• 29:18
  Speaker 1: the enemy does that so much. I like when you
• 29:21
  Speaker 1: read the scriptures and this is why I say like
• 29:23
  Speaker 1: reading it and reading everything in context and knowing who
• 29:26
  Speaker 1: God is while you read is so important because it
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: says homosexuality, the act is an abomination, but I took
• 29:34
  Speaker 1: it as I was an abomination to the Lord. So
• 29:36
  Speaker 1: what happens is this is another major reject rejection. in
• 29:40
  Speaker 1: my life. Not only am I in sin, not only
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: am I like lost and just, and I I'm now
• 29:47
  Speaker 1: realizing that, Oh, like God hates me, which is not
• 29:52
  Speaker 1: God's character. That's not the gospel. But I was warped
• 29:56
  Speaker 1: into thinking because this happened, because I made a mistake
• 30:00
  Speaker 1: and continued to act on it instead of asking questions
• 30:03
  Speaker 1: and having people help me as well. I had so
• 30:06
  Speaker 1: much shame and condemnation and guilt that fell on me.
• 30:11
  Speaker 1: It was a burden every single day. And I knew
• 30:14
  Speaker 1: my mom, I could tell that she wasn't in agreement
• 30:17
  Speaker 1: with it. And as more shows happened to be published
• 30:21
  Speaker 1: on TV, as I continue to get stronger in performing
• 30:26
  Speaker 1: arts and in dance, but people continue to express themselves
• 30:30
  Speaker 1: more and we see now, okay, men starting to dress
• 30:34
  Speaker 1: as women now. We're starting to use different names. We're
• 30:37
  Speaker 1: starting to use different pronouns in high school. What are
• 30:40
  Speaker 1: these pronouns? All of this is continuing to increase. I knew,
• 30:45
  Speaker 1: I was like, I can't tell anyone. I'm not coming out.
• 30:49
  Speaker 1: This is going to hurt my mom. This goes against
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: the Bible. This goes against God. Like, I'm just literally
• 30:57
  Speaker 1: going to hold everything in.
• 31:00
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 31:00
  Speaker 1: I just want to, I don't know if you had
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: any thoughts, but I just, yeah.
• 31:04
  Speaker 3: So did you pursue, did you end up pursuing a
• 31:08
  Speaker 3: life of homosexuality or what happened with?
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: Great question. So I feel like there was this tension
• 31:16
  Speaker 1: and this rustle as I was going through high school.
• 31:19
  Speaker 1: And then my senior, junior year, junior year, junior year, I, I, my,
• 31:27
  Speaker 1: I was all over the place. I, I did have
• 31:28
  Speaker 1: a crush on a girl, but the girl was hanging
• 31:33
  Speaker 1: out and rumors, gossip, all the things started to be
• 31:35
  Speaker 1: in a relationship with a guy with two guys who
• 31:39
  Speaker 1: ended up being like gay. And so there was like
• 31:43
  Speaker 1: all this that was happening. Um, And she was, like, really,
• 31:46
  Speaker 1: she was beautiful. She was really popular at the school. Cool. But, like,
• 31:50
  Speaker 1: I knew, like, that would not be a thing for me.
• 31:53
  Speaker 1: But because that happened, I was like, is this just
• 31:57
  Speaker 1: a phase that I'm going through that maybe would, like,
• 31:59
  Speaker 1: you know, go away? But as, you know, she kind
• 32:04
  Speaker 1: of was doing her thing, I ended up having a
• 32:07
  Speaker 1: crush on a guy. And this guy and I started talking.
• 32:12
  Speaker 1: This junior high school, he was a senior, I was
• 32:14
  Speaker 1: a junior. He ends up, you know, expressing interest, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
• 32:21
  Speaker 1: And he comes over and this is just ends up
• 32:24
  Speaker 1: being like a, just a weird, crazy crush hookup situation.
• 32:28
  Speaker 1: It was really bad. It was awful. Um, because it
• 32:32
  Speaker 1: ended up the next day that he just wanted to
• 32:35
  Speaker 1: get together and he didn't want to like be with me.
• 32:38
  Speaker 1: And I had heard enough Bible stories that, were like,
• 32:44
  Speaker 1: I love marriage. Like, I love the idea of this
• 32:48
  Speaker 1: happily ever after. I think I saw too many Disney
• 32:52
  Speaker 1: movies as well. Like my brother, I think this is
• 32:54
  Speaker 1: a little bit illegal, but it's okay. We don't have
• 32:57
  Speaker 1: VHS anymore like that. But he would take VHS tapes
• 33:00
  Speaker 1: and he would put all these shows on them. And
• 33:03
  Speaker 1: I just like Mulan, seeing Little Mermaid, all these things,
• 33:08
  Speaker 1: but also seeing Hunchback of Notre Dame. Also, a lot
• 33:11
  Speaker 1: of these things are also crazy, you know? lying thing.
• 33:14
  Speaker 1: Simba's dad just dies in the whole beginning of the movie. Crazy.
• 33:17
  Speaker 1: But I was just like, I was a romantic. I
• 33:20
  Speaker 1: was like, I want someone to be with me. I
• 33:22
  Speaker 1: want to have a love that lasts forever. These are
• 33:26
  Speaker 1: the things that we see in culture that's romanticized in
• 33:29
  Speaker 1: our culture, in movies and entertainment. And that time with
• 33:34
  Speaker 1: that boy was another rejection. And it devastated me. So
• 33:40
  Speaker 1: by the time I was a senior... People even would
• 33:42
  Speaker 1: ask me and inquire me, are you gay? Or have
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: you thought about this? And the answer was no. Because
• 33:47
  Speaker 1: I was like, I've been through enough hurt and pain
• 33:50
  Speaker 1: and rejection. Like, I don't have time to go through
• 33:54
  Speaker 1: this again. And I know that I know that the
• 33:58
  Speaker 1: Lord doesn't actually like this. I saw it with my
• 34:00
  Speaker 1: own eyes. I read the Bible. I read the scripture.
• 34:04
  Speaker 1: And so I just feel like if the Lord is
• 34:07
  Speaker 1: going to do something with me, if I'm going to
• 34:08
  Speaker 1: get over this, if I'm going to get out of this,
• 34:11
  Speaker 1: I don't need any other craziness happening in my life.
• 34:15
  Speaker 1: I don't need any more rejection. I don't need any
• 34:17
  Speaker 1: more pain. I'm just going to focus on school, focus
• 34:20
  Speaker 1: on this art thing. So that's what I did. I
• 34:23
  Speaker 1: graduated high school and transitioned into college. And even with
• 34:27
  Speaker 1: your book, college is like a whole nother beast. And
• 34:30
  Speaker 1: it's like, it's for real. God is dead. And we're
• 34:33
  Speaker 1: learning about how to create, right? But we're learning from
• 34:38
  Speaker 1: art that is perverse and okay, we're just going to
• 34:43
  Speaker 1: do this art and we're just going to be naked.
• 34:45
  Speaker 1: Why are we naked? Just to be naked? Even though
• 34:51
  Speaker 1: I was wrestling and I was wrestling with same-sex attraction,
• 34:55
  Speaker 1: I was like, why? We're studying Marina Abramovic.
• 34:59
  Speaker 4: Oh, gosh. That woman has so many demons attached to her.
• 35:05
  Speaker 1: Right. We're studying all these different things.
• 35:07
  Speaker 4: I actually saw, what's her name again?
• 35:12
  Speaker 1: Marina. Marina.
• 35:13
  Speaker 4: Marina. I actually went to her show in New York.
• 35:18
  Speaker 4: I think it was at MoMA. Was it at MoMA
• 35:20
  Speaker 4: or was it?
• 35:20
  Speaker 1: Probably. Yeah. Probably MoMA.
• 35:22
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 35:22
  Speaker 3: Where she was, where she sat in the, in this
• 35:26
  Speaker 3: huge lobby, in this huge space. And she sat there
• 35:30
  Speaker 3: just in a chair in a red gown and, And
• 35:33
  Speaker 3: people would, there was a line just like around the building, like,
• 35:37
  Speaker 3: and people would come and sit in front of her.
• 35:39
  Speaker 4: And this was her performance art, right?
• 35:42
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 35:43
  Speaker 3: People would come sit down in front of her and
• 35:45
  Speaker 3: she would just sit there silent.
• 35:49
  Speaker 4: And that was it. That was the performance.
• 35:53
  Speaker 1: That was it.
• 35:55
  Speaker 4: So anyway- I actually did it. I actually went to the,
• 35:59
  Speaker 4: I did it.
• 35:59
  Speaker 3: I went up to it, sat down in front of
• 36:01
  Speaker 3: her and it was like the weirdest thing.
• 36:03
  Speaker 4: But anyway, go ahead.
• 36:05
  Speaker 1: I mean, compared to your book, I know you love
• 36:07
  Speaker 1: to go to museums and look at art and you
• 36:09
  Speaker 1: have moments where you could just connect and cry. And I'm, I'm,
• 36:13
  Speaker 1: I'm that way. I like, I need something that moves,
• 36:16
  Speaker 1: you know, and we're learning all of this interesting ways
• 36:19
  Speaker 1: of doing art. And I'm like, I'm not rocking with this.
• 36:21
  Speaker 1: Like I want to reach to the heavens. I don't
• 36:23
  Speaker 1: want to sit at a chair and, for people to, like,
• 36:25
  Speaker 1: stare at me and poke at me. Like, I want
• 36:28
  Speaker 1: to turn, you know? And our curriculum at the university,
• 36:32
  Speaker 1: at my university that I was going to, was, like,
• 36:34
  Speaker 1: changing into these things. And it was very, what's the
• 36:40
  Speaker 1: word that I'm looking for? Just very progressive in all
• 36:44
  Speaker 1: of the things. I also had a creative writing minor.
• 36:49
  Speaker 1: So I'm learning things about authors and poets and things
• 36:52
  Speaker 1: like that and philosophers and God is dead, nihilism, there
• 36:57
  Speaker 1: is no God, all these things. Meanwhile, Beckett, every dance
• 37:03
  Speaker 1: that I make is about the Lord. I kid you not.
• 37:07
  Speaker 1: I'm choreographing to gospel. And it's just like the piece
• 37:11
  Speaker 1: before me, we're doing things, we're taking off some clothes,
• 37:15
  Speaker 1: et cetera, et cetera. And now we are coming in
• 37:18
  Speaker 1: and we're doing leaps and turns to gospel music. And
• 37:21
  Speaker 1: no one really questioned it. And I find it so
• 37:24
  Speaker 1: interesting because I was wrestling with the sin so much
• 37:28
  Speaker 1: and the guilt and the shame and the condemnation. But like,
• 37:30
  Speaker 1: there was always this thing that led me to be like, no,
• 37:33
  Speaker 1: like I still love God. I'm still connected to God.
• 37:37
  Speaker 1: I want God. I didn't feel like so completely like
• 37:41
  Speaker 1: rebellious in that way. But at that time, I had
• 37:45
  Speaker 1: a good friend of mine that I befriended who went
• 37:47
  Speaker 1: to the same high school that, She ended up going
• 37:49
  Speaker 1: on a journey where she ended up at the same
• 37:51
  Speaker 1: university that I had to go to, to finish her credits.
• 37:54
  Speaker 1: And we had this conversation talking about like sexuality and
• 37:57
  Speaker 1: attraction and church and stuff like that. She grew up
• 38:00
  Speaker 1: in Georgia with me as well. She knew about the
• 38:02
  Speaker 1: church that I went to. She didn't go, she didn't
• 38:04
  Speaker 1: really go to that church. But we talked about that
• 38:07
  Speaker 1: and I say, Hey, this is what I'm wrestling with.
• 38:10
  Speaker 1: And like, you know, maybe I might come out, maybe
• 38:12
  Speaker 1: I'm not, but I'm really just focused on school. It
• 38:15
  Speaker 1: was also just very financially hard for me. I was like,
• 38:17
  Speaker 1: I need to find a way to pay for school.
• 38:19
  Speaker 1: I got to get all these things together. And one
• 38:21
  Speaker 1: thing that I felt like when I responded to her
• 38:25
  Speaker 1: that I just kept thinking about, I was like, I
• 38:26
  Speaker 1: have too much blood on my ledger. So y'all can
• 38:29
  Speaker 1: go out and party. Y'all can go out and smoke.
• 38:32
  Speaker 1: You can do all these things and all this hoopla.
• 38:35
  Speaker 1: I can come to the party and then I'm going
• 38:36
  Speaker 1: to leave. And I think sometimes people would think that, oh,
• 38:39
  Speaker 1: like something's different about Richard. He thinks maybe he's a
• 38:42
  Speaker 1: little bit too good. And I'm like internally like, no,
• 38:44
  Speaker 1: I don't think I'm too good. Like I like literally
• 38:47
  Speaker 1: I had so much anxiety and also depression with the
• 38:50
  Speaker 1: rigor of school that I would use pornography to cope.
• 38:55
  Speaker 1: I was addicted to it where I would do it
• 38:57
  Speaker 1: every time I would emotionally feel this rejection or bad
• 39:00
  Speaker 1: or sad. I would go to it and it was
• 39:02
  Speaker 1: perversively getting worse. And so I I was like, I
• 39:08
  Speaker 1: have too much blood on my ledger. I don't want
• 39:09
  Speaker 1: to continue doing all of these things. But I still
• 39:12
  Speaker 1: feel like God is in the equation. I just don't
• 39:16
  Speaker 1: know how he's going to help me and fix me.
• 39:18
  Speaker 1: I even remember thinking about this idea that like I'm
• 39:23
  Speaker 1: on a ship, but by myself. And this, like, there's
• 39:27
  Speaker 1: a storm and the ship is like crashing in to
• 39:30
  Speaker 1: like these boulders or whatever. And the ship is going
• 39:32
  Speaker 1: to sink, but I'm on the ship and I have
• 39:35
  Speaker 1: somehow tied myself on the mass of the ship and
• 39:38
  Speaker 1: I'm going to crash and burn. Like, that's how it felt. Like,
• 39:41
  Speaker 1: I felt like God hated me. I was condemned and
• 39:44
  Speaker 1: And even though there was a sliver of hope, I
• 39:48
  Speaker 1: was like, I feel like I'm going to crash. So
• 39:51
  Speaker 1: I finished school, finished university, got my degree. Great time
• 39:56
  Speaker 1: at school, great training. I came from a really hard
• 40:02
  Speaker 1: background with my mom as a single parent. And she's like,
• 40:05
  Speaker 1: I don't know if this dance thing is going to work.
• 40:07
  Speaker 1: But I'm also a little hardheaded and stubborn. And I'm like,
• 40:09
  Speaker 1: watch me. And so I'm like, I will have a job.
• 40:12
  Speaker 1: By the time I graduate, I'm a little crazy back.
• 40:14
  Speaker 1: And this is why, this is why the Lord uses
• 40:16
  Speaker 1: the introverted, crazy people. He loves us. So I'm like,
• 40:20
  Speaker 1: I'm going to have a job right after I graduate.
• 40:23
  Speaker 1: And that's what happened. But here's the thing, even a little,
• 40:28
  Speaker 1: I love how you put in your book, how you had,
• 40:29
  Speaker 1: you were achieving all of these things. And yet there was,
• 40:32
  Speaker 1: there was something that was missing. I had started dancing
• 40:36
  Speaker 1: with cruise ships, thing parts, I started dancing in commercial work,
• 40:41
  Speaker 1: but also concert work, doing entertainment. I started dancing with
• 40:45
  Speaker 1: dance companies. I've been in ballets. I've done jazz. I've
• 40:47
  Speaker 1: done hip hop. I've done a little bit of tap
• 40:49
  Speaker 1: that I didn't want to do. I've done contemporary. And
• 40:52
  Speaker 1: I was like, each of my dance gigs, I did
• 40:57
  Speaker 1: what I sought out to do and I was not fulfilled.
• 41:02
  Speaker 1: I was like, I hate it. And there was always
• 41:05
  Speaker 1: something that also went wrong. I had people that kind
• 41:07
  Speaker 1: of mistreated me, lied on me. Someone said that I
• 41:10
  Speaker 1: hurt them, that I didn't hurt. I was a swing.
• 41:14
  Speaker 1: So I was a swing a lot of the time.
• 41:16
  Speaker 1: So I would have to learn everyone's track and perform
• 41:21
  Speaker 1: everyone's track really by the end of a contract because
• 41:23
  Speaker 1: something always happened. And so there was just such a
• 41:26
  Speaker 1: lot of things that were going on. I was like,
• 41:28
  Speaker 1: I am not, I thought I was doing this so
• 41:30
  Speaker 1: that I could be happy and I'm not happy. I'm
• 41:33
  Speaker 1: not fulfilled. The last company that I was working with
• 41:36
  Speaker 1: was a ballet company in Charlottesville. And there was a
• 41:40
  Speaker 1: lot of miscommunication going on toward the end of me
• 41:43
  Speaker 1: renewing my contract. And I think maybe they thought that
• 41:46
  Speaker 1: I was trying to transition and leave to go work
• 41:48
  Speaker 1: with another company and like, you know, break up the contract,
• 41:52
  Speaker 1: which was not what was happening at all, which is
• 41:53
  Speaker 1: why I scheduled the whole conversation. They ended up trying
• 41:56
  Speaker 1: to like sue me. And I was like, this, this
• 42:00
  Speaker 1: whole dance industry is, I need a timeout. This is
• 42:06
  Speaker 1: not really working for me. And the lawsuit didn't really
• 42:09
  Speaker 1: go through because there was nothing to sue. The contract
• 42:11
  Speaker 1: hadn't started. I wasn't breaking it. I literally was like,
• 42:15
  Speaker 1: I financially am having so much struggles continuing to restart
• 42:18
  Speaker 1: my life over and over again to do these dance
• 42:20
  Speaker 1: things and different dance dates, et cetera, et cetera. And
• 42:23
  Speaker 1: I was like, what does it look like for me
• 42:25
  Speaker 1: to really focus on myself, maybe to take a break?
• 42:28
  Speaker 1: I started to read a lot of self-help books. I
• 42:30
  Speaker 1: started to do personal development. I started to have some
• 42:33
  Speaker 1: mentorships with like, you know, what does entrepreneurship look like
• 42:37
  Speaker 1: for me? Maybe I could go back into dance with
• 42:39
  Speaker 1: more of a business mindset, et cetera, et cetera. And
• 42:42
  Speaker 1: so I was like, these mentors in this community there
• 42:45
  Speaker 1: in New York, maybe I'll just move to New York.
• 42:47
  Speaker 1: Mind you, I'm from the South. Every time I visited
• 42:50
  Speaker 1: New York, when I went to my university, my university
• 42:53
  Speaker 1: was in Philly. Philly was cute. It was like, it was,
• 42:56
  Speaker 1: it was giving a city vibe, but not, but not
• 42:58
  Speaker 1: too much city. New York?
• 43:00
  Speaker 4: New York.
• 43:02
  Speaker 1: I was like, what is happening? I was like, I
• 43:05
  Speaker 1: hate it here. I was like, it's dirty. It's hot.
• 43:08
  Speaker 1: There's trash everywhere. There's dog poop on the sidewalk. There's
• 43:13
  Speaker 1: parks that are not parks. And I don't care what
• 43:15
  Speaker 1: anyone says. There's no parks here. I mean, there's Central Park,
• 43:18
  Speaker 1: which is nice. But I'm just like, I'm used to
• 43:21
  Speaker 1: grass and trees. I'm used to the exhaust, the fumes
• 43:25
  Speaker 1: being sucked up by the trees. Can't go anywhere. So
• 43:28
  Speaker 1: I hated it here. Going on the bus, the train, confusing.
• 43:32
  Speaker 1: I was like, this is not the life for me.
• 43:34
  Speaker 1: But for some reason, in 2019, I had this epiphany.
• 43:37
  Speaker 1: I need to take a break from dance. I need
• 43:40
  Speaker 1: to reassess my life. Maybe this was the midlife crisis
• 43:43
  Speaker 1: that I had before the midlife. Actually, no, I don't
• 43:46
  Speaker 1: want to say that. But I had the crisis and
• 43:48
  Speaker 1: I was like, I'm moving. So I moved. I wanted
• 43:51
  Speaker 1: to connect with the community and mentorship that I found
• 43:53
  Speaker 1: in New York. And I was like, you know, this
• 43:55
  Speaker 1: is going to be hard. This is interesting, but this
• 43:57
  Speaker 1: is what I'm going to do. And I moved in November, 2019.
• 44:00
  Speaker 1: And literally the next year, 2020 COVID happened, the pandemic.
• 44:05
  Speaker 1: So I just felt like, I was like, well, God
• 44:07
  Speaker 1: was probably really kind of leading me because nobody was dancing.
• 44:11
  Speaker 1: Everything was shut down.
• 44:12
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 44:13
  Speaker 1: And so I transitioned into corporate and that was hard
• 44:16
  Speaker 1: to navigate because you would get a job and then
• 44:18
  Speaker 1: COVID happened. And then like, you don't have a job.
• 44:20
  Speaker 1: And then like the, all the rules and perimeters now
• 44:23
  Speaker 1: we're working virtual and all the things, but we made
• 44:25
  Speaker 1: it out. Um, However, during COVID for me, I had
• 44:32
  Speaker 1: so much of a reflection that like, wow, like my
• 44:34
  Speaker 1: life is a mess. Even though I'm kind of like
• 44:36
  Speaker 1: leaning into learning more about myself, learning more about personal development,
• 44:41
  Speaker 1: learning about how to like, okay, be a better person, be,
• 44:45
  Speaker 1: you know, you know, have better habits and all these things.
• 44:48
  Speaker 1: It was great awareness, but I am still stuck and
• 44:52
  Speaker 1: addicted to pornography. I still feel depressed. I still feel anxiety.
• 44:57
  Speaker 1: I could barely sleep. And even as I started working
• 45:00
  Speaker 1: and transitioning into corporate, it got so bad where I
• 45:03
  Speaker 1: was addicted, where I was bringing my addictions into the
• 45:05
  Speaker 1: corporate space. So I was like, this is bad. This
• 45:09
  Speaker 1: is bad. Like I literally cannot go a day without
• 45:13
  Speaker 1: watching something or feeling like this. And so I decided
• 45:16
  Speaker 1: in my brain to have two options. I was like,
• 45:21
  Speaker 1: I'm either going to come out Or I think I'm
• 45:26
  Speaker 1: really going to try this God thing. And I was
• 45:30
  Speaker 1: doing both at the same time. It was weird. 2020
• 45:36
  Speaker 1: into 2022, there was this floating idea and ideology that
• 45:40
  Speaker 1: like somehow was picking up that maybe I could be
• 45:44
  Speaker 1: gay and love the Lord. Maybe I could be this
• 45:47
  Speaker 1: gay Christian type of thing because I couldn't let go
• 45:51
  Speaker 1: of the Lord. And then around this time during the pandemic,
• 45:55
  Speaker 1: I started to go into therapy. And my therapist was
• 45:58
  Speaker 1: a Christian. And he was phenomenal. And he was great.
• 46:03
  Speaker 1: And I confessed to him about all the things I
• 46:06
  Speaker 1: was struggling with. And he's like, this is actually bad.
• 46:09
  Speaker 1: We need to go into recovery. And I tried this
• 46:12
  Speaker 1: recovery program. There's 12 steps. However, the first one I
• 46:15
  Speaker 1: went to was bad. And that was not my therapist's recommendation.
• 46:18
  Speaker 1: I kind of try to look up stuff in my
• 46:20
  Speaker 1: own strength. and I went to this program and they
• 46:25
  Speaker 1: were saying, just think about and pray to your creator.
• 46:29
  Speaker 1: And I said, creator, what are we back at? But
• 46:35
  Speaker 1: I'm still like, I'm like, I'm, I'm all over the place. I'm,
• 46:39
  Speaker 1: I'm like crazy. But I, but also I'm like creator
• 46:44
  Speaker 1: say a prayer to your career. I was like, there's
• 46:45
  Speaker 1: only one creator. It's only Jesus. I said, what are we,
• 46:48
  Speaker 1: what's going on here? And it was just interesting because
• 46:51
  Speaker 1: like I was around a community of people who weren't
• 46:54
  Speaker 1: really progressing and getting better either. Like I saw you
• 46:59
  Speaker 1: three weeks ago, you were doing great. And now here
• 47:02
  Speaker 1: we are in the fourth week and you have now relapsed.
• 47:04
  Speaker 1: I was like, this is not encouraging to me. And
• 47:06
  Speaker 1: I was like, I'm leaving. I had to get out.
• 47:08
  Speaker 1: So I was just call it the Holy spirit, just
• 47:11
  Speaker 1: keeping me together. I was like, I'm, this is not
• 47:14
  Speaker 1: for me. And then my therapist was like, Let's try
• 47:17
  Speaker 1: a recovery with like connected to like a church, you know,
• 47:21
  Speaker 1: something more clear and specific. And then I also was
• 47:26
  Speaker 1: hearing a recommendation for a church in the city in
• 47:28
  Speaker 1: New York where I was called V1 Church. And a
• 47:31
  Speaker 1: part of me was like, oh no, I don't know.
• 47:34
  Speaker 1: Cause you know, the gay thing, I'm trying to figure
• 47:36
  Speaker 1: out if I can do this gay Christian thing. But
• 47:40
  Speaker 1: this epiphany happened. I think for, I got so desperate
• 47:44
  Speaker 1: with my life and I was very, I was, I was...
• 47:47
  Speaker 1: What's the word that I'm looking for? I wasn't fake
• 47:51
  Speaker 1: with what I was going through. Something clicked in me
• 47:52
  Speaker 1: where I was like, Richard, this is your reality. You
• 47:55
  Speaker 1: are in a mess. This is not... Oh, everything's great. No,
• 47:59
  Speaker 1: this is a mess. I can barely sleep. I had insomnia.
• 48:02
  Speaker 1: I had suicidal ideations. All these things. Your life is
• 48:06
  Speaker 1: not great. So let's stop trying to pretend it to be.
• 48:09
  Speaker 1: I have to be very crucial. I have to be
• 48:12
  Speaker 1: aware of what my reality looks like right now. And
• 48:16
  Speaker 1: even though maybe the church might say some things in
• 48:20
  Speaker 1: my heart, I knew that I needed to really press
• 48:24
  Speaker 1: in and learn about Jesus and follow Jesus. Jesus was
• 48:27
  Speaker 1: going to set me free somehow of this addiction. Jesus
• 48:30
  Speaker 1: was going to set me free from this. So I
• 48:33
  Speaker 1: started to lean into this recovery group at my church
• 48:38
  Speaker 1: at V1 that I started going to in 2021 into 2022.
• 48:40
  Speaker 1: And I started dating. I was going to these apps.
• 48:49
  Speaker 1: I was on there. I was looking up people. I
• 48:54
  Speaker 1: wasn't the type to really hook up, especially after that
• 48:56
  Speaker 1: traumatic event in high school. But I was open to it.
• 48:59
  Speaker 1: But I was like, if we're going to hook up,
• 49:01
  Speaker 1: you need to be... I was like, I can't hook
• 49:03
  Speaker 1: up with a Muslim. I was like, I'm sorry. You
• 49:05
  Speaker 1: have to know the Lord. Swipe, swipe, swipe. Do you
• 49:09
  Speaker 1: know God?
• 49:09
  Speaker 4: Oh my gosh.
• 49:11
  Speaker 1: It's like Zodiac signs. I said, I don't really care
• 49:15
  Speaker 1: about the Zodiac signs. Do you know God? Are you
• 49:18
  Speaker 1: going to church? And I know it was awkward. I
• 49:21
  Speaker 1: know it was weird, but I just, that was like
• 49:23
  Speaker 1: where I was. I was like, if I'm going to
• 49:26
  Speaker 1: be with a man for the rest of my life,
• 49:27
  Speaker 1: like you have to know the Lord and we have
• 49:28
  Speaker 1: to go to church. Like it's just, that just, it
• 49:31
  Speaker 1: makes sense. So none of the things were matching and
• 49:35
  Speaker 1: it was, I was tired. I was sick of it
• 49:37
  Speaker 1: until I matched with someone that I knew in real
• 49:39
  Speaker 1: life who actually was even a part of the community
• 49:43
  Speaker 1: that I was with as far as like business and
• 49:45
  Speaker 1: like leadership. But like he was somewhere else. Like we
• 49:49
  Speaker 1: weren't really as connected, but we got to know each other.
• 49:52
  Speaker 1: And then we started actually dating. But when I brung
• 49:56
  Speaker 1: up God, there was always this tension. He was like,
• 49:59
  Speaker 1: I just go to this little Bible study that we do.
• 50:01
  Speaker 1: And then that's it for me. I don't know about
• 50:04
  Speaker 1: going to church. At this point, Beckett, like I'm locked
• 50:07
  Speaker 1: in with therapy. My therapist is Christian. He's like, we're
• 50:10
  Speaker 1: doing great work. And then I'm going to church, my
• 50:13
  Speaker 1: church at V1 church. And I'm all over the place.
• 50:17
  Speaker 1: And my church was so kind. My pastors were very kind.
• 50:20
  Speaker 1: I started to kind of slowly back in 2022, start
• 50:23
  Speaker 1: to dance a little bit. And I'm in, I'm in
• 50:27
  Speaker 1: all the bad classes. I'm doing all of the swirls
• 50:30
  Speaker 1: and the, and the roles and all the things. And I'm,
• 50:34
  Speaker 1: half naked. And I'm just like, I'm dancing. And I like,
• 50:38
  Speaker 1: I think I might be queer. Cause like everyone is
• 50:41
  Speaker 1: labeling themselves to think, you know what, maybe I'll just
• 50:43
  Speaker 1: be queer, you know? Um, and I'm dancing with these
• 50:47
  Speaker 1: dance crews in the city and we're traveling. I'm getting,
• 50:50
  Speaker 1: I love K-pop. I'm doing K-pop and it's, it's getting,
• 50:53
  Speaker 1: now I'm starting to dress more feminine. Like, like you,
• 50:57
  Speaker 1: y'all thought before, no, this was, I was out here
• 51:00
  Speaker 1: and looking a little crazy, but, and going to church.
• 51:05
  Speaker 1: And I didn't know this, but my pastor said a
• 51:09
  Speaker 1: while back, they would say, we would see the photos
• 51:11
  Speaker 1: that you would post. And we were like, oh, Richard is,
• 51:15
  Speaker 1: he's out here. Let's say a prayer. We're going to
• 51:17
  Speaker 1: pray for Richard. We're praying, we're praying. And they would
• 51:20
  Speaker 1: tarry and they would pray for a little bit and
• 51:22
  Speaker 1: then they would go on. But they didn't necessarily like
• 51:25
  Speaker 1: really bring it up because my pastor, shout out to
• 51:28
  Speaker 1: Mike Signorelli, he's not preaching fire and brimstone, but he
• 51:33
  Speaker 1: is in this beautiful way that the Lord has gifted
• 51:35
  Speaker 1: him articulating the gospel, articulating the father's heart and through
• 51:42
  Speaker 1: his commandments without being condemning. And I'm receiving it while
• 51:47
  Speaker 1: I'm kind of dressing like a woman and half naked
• 51:49
  Speaker 1: and dating and doing all these other things outside craziness.
• 51:53
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 51:55
  Speaker 1: Until this moment in 2022, where I was with the guy,
• 51:59
  Speaker 1: we ended up going out. We're dating. We end up,
• 52:03
  Speaker 1: actually getting together, hooking up, whatever. And then the next
• 52:06
  Speaker 1: day there was this revelation where we had been talking
• 52:10
  Speaker 1: for like maybe a month, maybe, you know, maybe two.
• 52:13
  Speaker 1: He said, oh, like this guy who's a dancer or
• 52:15
  Speaker 1: whatever I met. And he's like really famous. He has
• 52:18
  Speaker 1: a lot of great accolades. Like we got together and,
• 52:20
  Speaker 1: you know, that's someone that like I met up with
• 52:22
  Speaker 1: and like we hooked up. And I'm like, you hooked
• 52:25
  Speaker 1: up with him. Like this is when, and in my mind,
• 52:28
  Speaker 1: I'm calculating the timeline. Like this is someone where we
• 52:31
  Speaker 1: were talking. And he had expressed conversations about like, what
• 52:35
  Speaker 1: does it look like? I want to be a person
• 52:37
  Speaker 1: that is committed to one person. I want to be
• 52:38
  Speaker 1: a person that married for life, happy liver after, romanticizing
• 52:43
  Speaker 1: and coming together, having a family. You know, I want
• 52:46
  Speaker 1: to do that, which are all biblical concepts, which is
• 52:51
  Speaker 1: crazy to me how we don't want God. And then
• 52:54
  Speaker 1: we have all of these biblical concepts and values from
• 52:58
  Speaker 1: God himself. Anyway. But that moment was pivotal for me
• 53:04
  Speaker 1: because I was like, you're kind of just floundering around.
• 53:08
  Speaker 1: I don't like it just that felt like another rejection.
• 53:11
  Speaker 1: I was like, this is another rejection. And then we
• 53:14
  Speaker 1: were butting heads because he was very leading and dominant.
• 53:18
  Speaker 1: But I'm also stubborn and leading and dominant. And so
• 53:22
  Speaker 1: we just we couldn't really fit. And I was like,
• 53:25
  Speaker 1: maybe we can't fit because we're not supposed to be together.
• 53:29
  Speaker 1: And this does not make sense right now. And so
• 53:33
  Speaker 1: after that, we separated. And I feel like that was
• 53:36
  Speaker 1: the climactic point where I made a conscious decision where
• 53:40
  Speaker 1: I was like, God, I'm going all in. I'm going
• 53:46
  Speaker 1: all in on this Jesus thing. I'm going to my church.
• 53:49
  Speaker 1: I'm going to get to know you. And I'm going
• 53:51
  Speaker 1: to read my Bible. And I'm going to read this
• 53:55
  Speaker 1: thing from front to back. And I want to know
• 53:58
  Speaker 1: what you have to say about homosexuality. Cause I'm this
• 54:02
  Speaker 1: close to just giving up and losing up hope and
• 54:05
  Speaker 1: just thinking that I can be gay and Christian. I
• 54:07
  Speaker 1: even had a book, the book called God and the
• 54:10
  Speaker 1: gay Christian was recommended to me.
• 54:13
  Speaker 4: Michael or Matthew Vines. Yeah.
• 54:15
  Speaker 1: So I literally had that book.
• 54:17
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 54:18
  Speaker 1: And a friend of mine, a brother of my church
• 54:20
  Speaker 1: who was a, was a big disciple of mine at
• 54:22
  Speaker 1: the beginning of my walk, we met one time we
• 54:26
  Speaker 1: were talking and I said, Hey, like I have this book,
• 54:27
  Speaker 1: God and the gay Christian. Do you think it would
• 54:29
  Speaker 1: be good to read? He goes, don't read that. Um, he, um,
• 54:35
  Speaker 1: actually has a, he has a similar testimony to me.
• 54:38
  Speaker 1: He actually walked out of the lifestyle. Um, and he
• 54:41
  Speaker 1: now is married and has a family. And I know
• 54:43
  Speaker 1: that looks different for different people. And that's not the, the,
• 54:46
  Speaker 1: the bar that, you know, we have, but he had
• 54:48
  Speaker 1: walked through this journey before me and I honor him.
• 54:50
  Speaker 1: His name is Anthony. Um, and he had helped me
• 54:53
  Speaker 1: so much and he was like, Hey, let's not read
• 54:55
  Speaker 1: that book. He was like, let's read this book. I
• 54:58
  Speaker 1: just found it. It's called Good Girl, Gay God by
• 55:00
  Speaker 1: Jackie Hope Perry. And so I feel like that was
• 55:04
  Speaker 1: so cool because it was so symbolic because that's where
• 55:07
  Speaker 1: I was. I was literally at the fork of the road.
• 55:10
  Speaker 1: I was literally either about to read God in a
• 55:12
  Speaker 1: gay Christian or I was about to read my Bible
• 55:16
  Speaker 1: and read Good Girl, Gay God and like really like
• 55:18
  Speaker 1: lean in. And I turned to the right. Thank you, Lord.
• 55:22
  Speaker 1: So I made that decision in twenty twenty two. And
• 55:26
  Speaker 1: this is when I'll get into 2023. And I think
• 55:29
  Speaker 1: this is where we can like land the plane. Sorry
• 55:32
  Speaker 1: that I've been like, you know, we've been going.
• 55:33
  Speaker 4: No, that's good.
• 55:34
  Speaker 1: Good.
• 55:34
  Speaker 4: Keep going.
• 55:35
  Speaker 1: I can land the plane in 2023 where I got
• 55:42
  Speaker 1: a new job and it was the highest paying job
• 55:44
  Speaker 1: that I ever had. Listen, Beckett, I was like, I
• 55:48
  Speaker 1: can make some money. I said, thank you, Lord. I'm like,
• 55:53
  Speaker 1: I am like, I'm still working through my struggles, but
• 55:57
  Speaker 1: I was like, at least I have some good income
• 56:00
  Speaker 1: coming in. And I got that job, I would say
• 56:04
  Speaker 1: January 2023 is when like everything was solid when I
• 56:07
  Speaker 1: started working there regularly. But then I said a prayer
• 56:12
  Speaker 1: to the Lord. I was on the rooftop. I was
• 56:15
  Speaker 1: on a lunch break and there was like this little
• 56:17
  Speaker 1: rooftop area. And I'm like pacing around and I'm like
• 56:21
  Speaker 1: talking to the Lord. And this is actually prayer. Like
• 56:24
  Speaker 1: prayer doesn't always have to be Heavenly Father, thank you. Like, yes,
• 56:27
  Speaker 1: there's that. But there's also just for the folks that
• 56:29
  Speaker 1: are listening, you can like prayer is just the simplest,
• 56:33
  Speaker 1: continuous communication with the Lord. So at the time, I
• 56:36
  Speaker 1: didn't realize that I was literally calling out and crying
• 56:38
  Speaker 1: out to the Lord. And I said, God, I don't
• 56:41
  Speaker 1: know if I can be straight. I was like, how
• 56:46
  Speaker 1: is this going to work? Because I was like, I'm
• 56:47
  Speaker 1: reading your word and I'm starting to read the Bible.
• 56:49
  Speaker 1: I'm really getting to the word. And I'm like, God,
• 56:52
  Speaker 1: I fear what you are showing me is that I
• 56:57
  Speaker 1: really cannot be gay and I cannot be a gay Christian.
• 57:01
  Speaker 1: But Lord, I don't know how I can be straight.
• 57:03
  Speaker 1: I don't know how, like, I love the idea of
• 57:07
  Speaker 1: having a family and having children and being married and
• 57:11
  Speaker 1: living this long life together. I would love that. And
• 57:16
  Speaker 1: even like, just even think about the implications of like,
• 57:21
  Speaker 1: you know, this is not to dog on anyone, but
• 57:24
  Speaker 1: the person that I had dated, that guy in New York,
• 57:27
  Speaker 1: he actually also had, I don't know which one, I
• 57:31
  Speaker 1: don't know if it's HIV or AIDS. I think it
• 57:34
  Speaker 1: was HIV, but he was taking medicine to go through that.
• 57:38
  Speaker 1: But that was also another pivot. I was like, wow,
• 57:40
  Speaker 1: like I'm going to be in relationship with someone with
• 57:43
  Speaker 1: this happening. And I think the older generation tried, they
• 57:47
  Speaker 1: did a bad job, but they were like, oh, like, well,
• 57:49
  Speaker 1: this is why they have this, you know, this disease
• 57:52
  Speaker 1: and stuff like that. There's sexually, you know, there's sexual
• 57:55
  Speaker 1: diseases for anything outside of God's covenant. Yes. But I
• 57:58
  Speaker 1: think the way that they, their intention and the way
• 58:01
  Speaker 1: that they spoke about it came from such a condemning place.
• 58:04
  Speaker 1: But like, like in that point of my life, I
• 58:06
  Speaker 1: was like, no, this is a real thing. And this
• 58:07
  Speaker 1: is a real thing that people go through, like go through,
• 58:10
  Speaker 1: like fighting with like giving into the desires and then
• 58:13
  Speaker 1: waking up like, okay, like, am I okay? And so
• 58:16
  Speaker 1: I was like, I don't know if, I want all
• 58:19
  Speaker 1: of that, if I want to be a part of
• 58:20
  Speaker 1: this lifestyle, this LGBTQ thing. Also, I've seen a lot
• 58:24
  Speaker 1: of division in the LGBTQ. I've seen a lot of discord.
• 58:28
  Speaker 1: I've seen people even bully me for not being X, Y,
• 58:32
  Speaker 1: and Z. Oh, you're too masculine. You're too feminine. You're
• 58:36
  Speaker 1: too big. You're too skinny. Like that happens in conversations
• 58:41
  Speaker 1: in the community. And I'm like, this is not as
• 58:44
  Speaker 1: loving as I thought it was. The dance crews that
• 58:47
  Speaker 1: I was dancing with, they would be mean and talk
• 58:50
  Speaker 1: behind each other's back, gossiping, bitterness. And I'm like, the
• 58:55
  Speaker 1: love is not loving. Especially those, you know, there's the
• 59:01
  Speaker 1: LGBT and then transitioning into the trans. There was so
• 59:05
  Speaker 1: much aggression. And I'm like, what is going on?
• 59:10
  Speaker 4: Maybe love is not love after all.
• 59:13
  Speaker 2: Maybe.
• 59:13
  Speaker 1: I was like, just because maybe I might like a
• 59:17
  Speaker 1: man doesn't mean that I want to transform into a woman.
• 59:21
  Speaker 1: And I think that was also the Lord. And there's
• 59:24
  Speaker 1: some people who even still even think like this today.
• 59:28
  Speaker 1: There's a whole movement of people who identify with the
• 59:31
  Speaker 1: lifestyle but they consider themselves to be more conservative and
• 59:34
  Speaker 1: traditional which is just it's so interesting seeing this dynamic
• 59:37
  Speaker 1: but it's really all biblical but i was like i'm
• 59:40
  Speaker 1: seeing all this division i'm like i'm not liking it
• 59:42
  Speaker 1: like like maybe i don't want to go to a
• 59:44
  Speaker 1: rally and what if i don't what what does that
• 59:48
  Speaker 1: have to do like why do we have to press
• 59:52
  Speaker 1: what this agenda upon people and all these things and
• 59:56
  Speaker 1: mind you i hadn't really i didn't come out I
• 59:58
  Speaker 1: was going to, my plan was like this, the guy
• 1:00:01
  Speaker 1: that I was with in New York, I was like,
• 1:00:03
  Speaker 1: I'm going to come out with him and it's going
• 1:00:04
  Speaker 1: to be a thing. And I'm going to come out
• 1:00:05
  Speaker 1: in June. The Lord, the Lord really said no. So
• 1:00:08
  Speaker 1: none of that happened. But going back to my prayer
• 1:00:11
  Speaker 1: on that rooftop, I was like, I'm not really happy
• 1:00:14
  Speaker 1: with the lifestyle, but like, how do I do this? Like,
• 1:00:18
  Speaker 1: I have not seen anyone really come out on top
• 1:00:23
  Speaker 1: except for Anthony. And I was like, Lord, like I
• 1:00:27
  Speaker 1: need like five more people. Like I just, I just
• 1:00:30
  Speaker 1: need more evidence. Like what happens? Like, and then even
• 1:00:33
  Speaker 1: if like I get to somehow quote unquote be straight,
• 1:00:37
  Speaker 1: will someone even be okay with the history that I
• 1:00:40
  Speaker 1: have with this? Cause this is just such a big taboo,
• 1:00:43
  Speaker 1: you know? And I hear the Lord clear his day.
• 1:00:50
  Speaker 1: He said, Richard, just come to me. And I'm like,
• 1:00:53
  Speaker 1: come to me. And this is like the whisper of
• 1:00:55
  Speaker 1: the Lord. And listen, I'm on the rooftop. It's loud,
• 1:00:57
  Speaker 1: New York, sirens, all the things. Like, I just hear
• 1:01:00
  Speaker 1: the whisper of the Lord just come to me. And
• 1:01:03
  Speaker 1: he said, don't worry about the gay thing right now.
• 1:01:06
  Speaker 1: I'm like, don't worry about the gay thing. I said,
• 1:01:10
  Speaker 1: so this has been my whole life. What do you mean?
• 1:01:12
  Speaker 1: Don't worry about the gay thing. He like, like, don't
• 1:01:16
  Speaker 1: even like look at the scriptures and all that. Like,
• 1:01:19
  Speaker 1: don't like, obsessed about that. What he told me, he said, Richard,
• 1:01:23
  Speaker 1: get to know me, get to know who I am.
• 1:01:27
  Speaker 1: Just come to me. And this exchange is literally in scripture.
• 1:01:31
  Speaker 1: This is one of the scriptures that saved my life.
• 1:01:32
  Speaker 1: It says this in Matthew, come to me all who
• 1:01:35
  Speaker 1: are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
• 1:01:39
  Speaker 1: I have been in cycles, rejection after rejection, after rejection, addiction, depressed, anxious, fearful, people-pleasing,
• 1:01:50
  Speaker 1: Couldn't sleep, insomnia, suicidal ideations, all these curses within my bloodline.
• 1:01:55
  Speaker 1: And I've been continuing to go through this cycle. I'm tired.
• 1:02:00
  Speaker 1: And like, it's just like the breakthrough and the deliverance
• 1:02:02
  Speaker 1: that we need is really for like God. Like sometimes
• 1:02:06
  Speaker 1: we have to get to that desperate place. And I
• 1:02:10
  Speaker 1: just start crying by myself on the rooftop. I am
• 1:02:14
  Speaker 1: weep like tears, guttural cry. And I'm like, Lord, are
• 1:02:18
  Speaker 1: you sure? Like, are you sure? Like, he's like, just
• 1:02:22
  Speaker 1: come to me. Cause I, this is, this is what
• 1:02:25
  Speaker 1: I tell people. I felt that there was a wall
• 1:02:28
  Speaker 1: between me and the Lord that I was so dirty.
• 1:02:32
  Speaker 1: I could not literally come to him. I was, I
• 1:02:36
  Speaker 1: was unworthy, which.
• 1:02:38
  Speaker 4: You were like, you were damaged goods.
• 1:02:40
  Speaker 1: I was damaged goods. I was like, God, like, I
• 1:02:44
  Speaker 1: feel like you hate me. I can't come to you. Like, I, like,
• 1:02:47
  Speaker 1: I want help, but like, I don't know how. all
• 1:02:49
  Speaker 1: this condemnation, shame, and guilt, which is so crazy and
• 1:02:53
  Speaker 1: so stupid. And we hate the devil. He tempts you
• 1:02:56
  Speaker 1: to do the thing. And then he guilt strip you
• 1:02:59
  Speaker 1: and gaslights you for the thing that you suggested anyway.
• 1:03:03
  Speaker 1: So I, I just like was so in awe of
• 1:03:09
  Speaker 1: the grace of God. I was like, wow, I can
• 1:03:12
  Speaker 1: just come to you. You're like, don't worry about all
• 1:03:14
  Speaker 1: that stuff. We'll figure out the gay thing later. We'll
• 1:03:16
  Speaker 1: figure it out. And I'm like, okay. And like, I'm
• 1:03:20
  Speaker 1: getting myself together, going back to work. And I made
• 1:03:23
  Speaker 1: a commitment. I said, Lord, if you heal me, you
• 1:03:26
  Speaker 1: can have me. I said, Lord, like if you show
• 1:03:29
  Speaker 1: me that you're real, if you show me that you're true,
• 1:03:32
  Speaker 1: if you show me that like you can heal me,
• 1:03:35
  Speaker 1: like you can have me. Said that in January, 2023.
• 1:03:40
  Speaker 1: And I don't know what happened. Like a fire lit
• 1:03:44
  Speaker 1: within me. I still have my first Bible, which is
• 1:03:47
  Speaker 1: a recovery Bible attached to the 12 steps. I got
• 1:03:50
  Speaker 1: it because I was in the recovery program with my
• 1:03:53
  Speaker 1: church and I was learning through the Bible and the
• 1:03:56
  Speaker 1: recovery program about how good God was. I was learning
• 1:03:59
  Speaker 1: about his character and his nature and that he loved me.
• 1:04:03
  Speaker 1: The second scripture that changed my life is Matthew 3, 17.
• 1:04:08
  Speaker 1: This is my beloved son in whom I am well pleased.
• 1:04:12
  Speaker 1: This is what God says to Jesus. As he's being baptized,
• 1:04:16
  Speaker 1: the heavens open. John the Baptist is there. We even
• 1:04:19
  Speaker 1: have a crowd. The audible voice of God says to Jesus,
• 1:04:23
  Speaker 1: being baptized, Holy Spirit comes in, descends like a dove,
• 1:04:29
  Speaker 1: falls upon Jesus, empowers him, anoints him. But before Jesus
• 1:04:34
  Speaker 1: does anything, he is affirmed by Father God. And the
• 1:04:40
  Speaker 1: revelation hit me. God literally just loves me because he
• 1:04:45
  Speaker 1: loves me. Because he's good and he loves me. And
• 1:04:48
  Speaker 1: I don't have to do anything to earn his love.
• 1:04:51
  Speaker 1: I don't have to prove anything. Jesus Christ himself literally
• 1:04:55
  Speaker 1: did not do anything and was affirmed by the Lord.
• 1:05:00
  Speaker 1: What was Jesus doing? He was respecting and honoring his parents.
• 1:05:04
  Speaker 1: He got lost one time. Then he came back. But
• 1:05:07
  Speaker 1: he was doing the dishes. He was doing all the
• 1:05:10
  Speaker 1: things like a regular person was.
• 1:05:12
  Speaker 4: He was mowing the lawn.
• 1:05:13
  Speaker 1: He was mowing the lawn and then he was affirmed
• 1:05:17
  Speaker 1: by the Lord before he did anything. What does that
• 1:05:20
  Speaker 1: mean for us? You don't have to do anything for
• 1:05:23
  Speaker 1: the Lord. My whole life has been a performance. I've
• 1:05:27
  Speaker 1: been striving. I've been independently trying to figure out how
• 1:05:30
  Speaker 1: to do my life. I was raised through a single
• 1:05:32
  Speaker 1: parent household. I had to learn how to do things
• 1:05:34
  Speaker 1: on my own. I had to learn how to be
• 1:05:36
  Speaker 1: a performer. And for the first time in my life,
• 1:05:39
  Speaker 1: I'm really genuinely knowing that God actually doesn't hate me.
• 1:05:43
  Speaker 1: He's formed me and he's loved me since the foundations
• 1:05:46
  Speaker 1: of the earth. He formed me in my mother's wound.
• 1:05:49
  Speaker 1: He loved me so much. If you're hearing this, he
• 1:05:51
  Speaker 1: loves you so much before any sin that I committed.
• 1:05:54
  Speaker 1: And then after any sin that I committed, he still
• 1:05:57
  Speaker 1: loves me and still chooses me. I have people who
• 1:05:59
  Speaker 1: rejected me because of, you know, something that they didn't
• 1:06:02
  Speaker 1: like or, or a certain response or how I was
• 1:06:06
  Speaker 1: or position or whatever. And this God, continues to stay
• 1:06:12
  Speaker 1: and be with me and has affirmed me I don't
• 1:06:15
  Speaker 1: need any other approval it just blew my mind and
• 1:06:19
  Speaker 1: he comes to give me rest my whole life has
• 1:06:23
  Speaker 1: been independent and now I'm in New York and I
• 1:06:27
  Speaker 1: think I was New York before New York even though
• 1:06:28
  Speaker 1: I was in Georgia I just had this weird like
• 1:06:31
  Speaker 1: go go hustle hustle hustle and here Jesus comes hey
• 1:06:36
  Speaker 1: let's sit whoa mind blowing So blowing. And it was
• 1:06:43
  Speaker 1: so beautiful. And there was this fire. I feel like
• 1:06:47
  Speaker 1: I attended my church. I started confessing. I started repenting, renouncing,
• 1:06:51
  Speaker 1: breaking agreements, being filled with the Holy Spirit, being filled
• 1:06:54
  Speaker 1: with his giftings, and having this hunger to read scripture.
• 1:07:00
  Speaker 1: I was reading my Bible. And you know what was crazy?
• 1:07:05
  Speaker 1: Looking back now, I think this was such a beautiful blessing,
• 1:07:07
  Speaker 1: even though it did not feel that at the time.
• 1:07:10
  Speaker 1: Like literally three, four months later, after I had that
• 1:07:12
  Speaker 1: January prayer, I got furloughed from my job working at
• 1:07:15
  Speaker 1: the tech company because the tech company hired too many people.
• 1:07:18
  Speaker 1: It was a startup tech company. They did not, could
• 1:07:20
  Speaker 1: not have the funds. And so I'm like, oh, great.
• 1:07:22
  Speaker 1: I truly surrender and give my life to Jesus. And
• 1:07:26
  Speaker 1: now I'm unemployed. So I'm like, all right, Lord, I
• 1:07:30
  Speaker 1: guess I'm just going to read the Bible. I would literally,
• 1:07:33
  Speaker 1: I will wake up. We're going to read the Bible today.
• 1:07:36
  Speaker 1: Chapters after chapters, really going through it. I will go
• 1:07:39
  Speaker 1: to the park. with a blanket, have a good old time. Blanket,
• 1:07:44
  Speaker 1: some snacks, reading the Bible with a nice view, just
• 1:07:48
  Speaker 1: reading the Bible. And for those who are hearing, I
• 1:07:51
  Speaker 1: don't know where they are, but like to get to
• 1:07:54
  Speaker 1: know someone, you have to have a conversation with them.
• 1:07:56
  Speaker 1: You have to commune with them, communicate with them. When
• 1:07:58
  Speaker 1: you're reading the Bible, you're communing with the Lord. You're
• 1:08:01
  Speaker 1: knowing what he likes, what he dislikes. You're knowing like
• 1:08:05
  Speaker 1: what delights him. And it's you because you are a
• 1:08:07
  Speaker 1: human being made in his image. And I'm just like,
• 1:08:12
  Speaker 1: I'm like literally falling in love and I'm still in
• 1:08:15
  Speaker 1: love and learning how to like continue to continue to
• 1:08:18
  Speaker 1: be in love with the Lord. But like that 2023
• 1:08:21
  Speaker 1: was just like beautiful. And so I was good. I
• 1:08:26
  Speaker 1: was chilling with the Lord. I was chilling with my
• 1:08:28
  Speaker 1: church community. And then the Lord at the latter or
• 1:08:32
  Speaker 1: the second half of 2023, he was like, I just
• 1:08:34
  Speaker 1: want you to share your testimony. I'm like, sir, like
• 1:08:37
  Speaker 1: I'm still in the process of Like, what are you
• 1:08:41
  Speaker 1: talking about? I was like, I just got here. What
• 1:08:44
  Speaker 1: are we doing? And so I opened up a TikTok account,
• 1:08:49
  Speaker 1: which I didn't have. I hated TikTok. I was like,
• 1:08:51
  Speaker 1: we got too many apps. I just got used to
• 1:08:55
  Speaker 1: Instagram because everybody who's a little older, no shade to
• 1:08:59
  Speaker 1: the older folks. We love you. Everybody older is on
• 1:09:01
  Speaker 1: the Facebook and now the new folks are on Instagram.
• 1:09:03
  Speaker 1: And then now we got this other thing called TikTok.
• 1:09:05
  Speaker 1: I was like, I don't want another platform. However, the
• 1:09:08
  Speaker 1: Lord was like, open up a TikTok and start sharing.
• 1:09:13
  Speaker 1: So I was obedient. Open up the TikTok. And then
• 1:09:15
  Speaker 1: I started making like funny faith videos. The Lord was like,
• 1:09:19
  Speaker 1: that's not what I told you to do. And I said, oh, Lord. Oh, Lord.
• 1:09:25
  Speaker 4: I said, oh.
• 1:09:27
  Speaker 1: I was just so nervous. But the boldness came over
• 1:09:31
  Speaker 1: me where I was just simply just sharing. I was
• 1:09:33
  Speaker 1: just sharing where I'm at. I shared one video that
• 1:09:36
  Speaker 1: did okay. I shared it on Instagram as well. Everyone
• 1:09:40
  Speaker 1: was excited. People at church, wow, yes, we love it.
• 1:09:45
  Speaker 1: But then I started to make a shorter kind of
• 1:09:47
  Speaker 1: transformational video testimony video that I post on TikTok, that
• 1:09:52
  Speaker 1: goes viral. I post another video that also goes viral.
• 1:09:57
  Speaker 1: And now people are following me. Things are growing. And
• 1:10:00
  Speaker 1: I'm like, what is happening? And it's just been this
• 1:10:03
  Speaker 1: thing of this constant with content as a form of like,
• 1:10:05
  Speaker 1: I would say like digital evangelism. And this is like literally,
• 1:10:09
  Speaker 1: you know, what you do as well, Beckett, just continuing
• 1:10:12
  Speaker 1: to share and share the heart of Christ to people.
• 1:10:15
  Speaker 1: And like for me, like I was saying earlier off screen,
• 1:10:19
  Speaker 1: like I've just been so authentic and transparent, but you know,
• 1:10:22
  Speaker 1: not too much. So I don't want to vomit off
• 1:10:23
  Speaker 1: the mouth or talk about things that I haven't overcome,
• 1:10:26
  Speaker 1: but the Lord has just brought people to listen. And
• 1:10:29
  Speaker 1: it's just been such a crazy whirlwind from 2023, seeing
• 1:10:33
  Speaker 1: all of that happen. And then leading up to 2024,
• 1:10:36
  Speaker 1: when I get another job, which I'm grateful for, because
• 1:10:40
  Speaker 1: it had been a while. I'm like, all right, Lord,
• 1:10:43
  Speaker 1: it's just me and you and the Bible. I said,
• 1:10:44
  Speaker 1: this is great. But The savings have now run out.
• 1:10:48
  Speaker 1: Where were we going? You know? And I get that
• 1:10:51
  Speaker 1: job in 2024. And then I'm, I'm just being myself.
• 1:10:55
  Speaker 1: I'm like, like, y'all, do you know about the Lord?
• 1:10:57
  Speaker 1: And like, I'm just like, I'm, it's just, it's just
• 1:11:00
  Speaker 1: overflowing out of you. It's not me. Like I, I
• 1:11:03
  Speaker 1: am telling the gay coworker about Jesus. Like, well, this is,
• 1:11:06
  Speaker 1: you know, this is what the Lord is saying, et cetera.
• 1:11:09
  Speaker 1: You know? And, but just being really kind and encouraging and, Um,
• 1:11:14
  Speaker 1: one of my other supervisors, he was like a really atheist. And,
• 1:11:18
  Speaker 1: you know, at one point I was doing a fast
• 1:11:20
  Speaker 1: with my church. We were doing a corporate fast together.
• 1:11:23
  Speaker 1: He's like, oh, why, why are you not eating? I
• 1:11:25
  Speaker 1: wasn't eating meat. Why are you not eating meat? I'm like,
• 1:11:28
  Speaker 1: you know, we're doing this corporate fast about the Lord. Oh,
• 1:11:30
  Speaker 1: the Lord. Oh God. Then ask it. Didn't want no
• 1:11:34
  Speaker 1: single thing about me. Now asking 50 million questions about God.
• 1:11:38
  Speaker 1: And the evidence for, and I'm like, and I'm not shaken.
• 1:11:40
  Speaker 1: I'm like, what you gonna say? There's definitely a lot
• 1:11:43
  Speaker 1: of evidence for Jesus Christ. I said, have you read Josephus?
• 1:11:46
  Speaker 1: Have you read Tacitus? Those actual non-Christian sources. I said,
• 1:11:52
  Speaker 1: those are non-Christian sources that talk about the resurrection in Jesus' time.
• 1:11:57
  Speaker 1: I said, hey, you go read those. And at the time,
• 1:12:00
  Speaker 1: I hadn't read those. And I'm like, I don't need
• 1:12:03
  Speaker 1: to read them right now. I've read the Bible front
• 1:12:06
  Speaker 1: to back. And I've read other things. And I've read,
• 1:12:08
  Speaker 1: I also just want to say as we're here, I've
• 1:12:11
  Speaker 1: read Beckett Cook's book. I've read Gay Girl and the
• 1:12:14
  Speaker 1: Good God. I've read Dr. Rosario. I've read Holy Sexuality
• 1:12:19
  Speaker 1: with Dr. Christopher Yuan. I literally have all these books here.
• 1:12:23
  Speaker 1: Don't play with me. I literally have them all here. Literally.
• 1:12:28
  Speaker 4: I love it.
• 1:12:29
  Speaker 1: When I tell you, I was like, I'm going to
• 1:12:31
  Speaker 1: figure out this gay thing. I want to really figure
• 1:12:34
  Speaker 1: out what every argument, what every side, what's going on.
• 1:12:39
  Speaker 1: I really want to take my time to work through it.
• 1:12:41
  Speaker 1: And it was really just for me. It wasn't for
• 1:12:43
  Speaker 1: me to, like, do something or, like, have a platform.
• 1:12:47
  Speaker 1: I think as the platform grew, I was like, all right, like,
• 1:12:49
  Speaker 1: let me just double check, you know, a lot of
• 1:12:51
  Speaker 1: the things. But, like, my mission was, like, I'm not
• 1:12:54
  Speaker 1: someone who was like, let me do this thing for
• 1:12:57
  Speaker 1: the Lord where I have this platform or let me,
• 1:12:59
  Speaker 1: because we're living in a day and age where people
• 1:13:01
  Speaker 1: are like, I want the followers and I want to
• 1:13:03
  Speaker 1: do this or I want to do this free preaching.
• 1:13:04
  Speaker 1: I'm like, Richard wanted to be home and eat and
• 1:13:08
  Speaker 1: go to sleep. Richard did. I was not trying to
• 1:13:11
  Speaker 1: like be on TikTok and have a platform. And then
• 1:13:15
  Speaker 1: even with that, like the Lord has had to do
• 1:13:17
  Speaker 1: like work in my heart and continuing to humble me
• 1:13:20
  Speaker 1: and things of that nature and just grow me and
• 1:13:22
  Speaker 1: mature me. But like that, none of what has transpired
• 1:13:26
  Speaker 1: was my goal. I literally, I literally wanted to know God.
• 1:13:32
  Speaker 1: And if he was good and like why he loves
• 1:13:35
  Speaker 1: me and what was going on and like, how do
• 1:13:39
  Speaker 1: we get to this new testament of grace in Jesus
• 1:13:43
  Speaker 1: and thank God for Jesus and reading these books? Like
• 1:13:46
  Speaker 1: I really wanted to know. And now here we are.
• 1:13:51
  Speaker 1: So that's where we are today. Wow. Okay.
• 1:13:55
  Speaker 4: That's amazing. Praise God.
• 1:13:56
  Speaker 3: I just want to read one verse because you, back
• 1:13:59
  Speaker 3: when you were mentioning you, you know, kind of having
• 1:14:02
  Speaker 3: to perform and you felt like you couldn't come to God.
• 1:14:05
  Speaker 3: There was like, you were too damaged or whatever. I
• 1:14:08
  Speaker 3: just want to read Romans five, verse eight.
• 1:14:12
  Speaker 1: Oh, so good.
• 1:14:13
  Speaker 3: This is such a pivotal verse for people who are
• 1:14:16
  Speaker 3: watching and think that they can't come to Jesus because
• 1:14:19
  Speaker 3: like of their past or their present or whatever. But
• 1:14:22
  Speaker 3: God shows his love for us in that while we
• 1:14:25
  Speaker 3: were still sinners, Christ died for us. So while we
• 1:14:30
  Speaker 3: were sinners, Christ died for us.
• 1:14:32
  Speaker 1: While we were sinners.
• 1:14:34
  Speaker 4: Yeah. So come to Jesus. Come to him because he
• 1:14:38
  Speaker 4: will give you rest and he will give you eternal life.
• 1:14:43
  Speaker 3: Richard, so what is redemption? Talk about the ministry this
• 1:14:49
  Speaker 3: is right now.
• 1:14:50
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 1:14:52
  Speaker 1: So things have continued to just grow online. And I
• 1:14:57
  Speaker 1: feel like now I've been like the... go to Richard.
• 1:15:00
  Speaker 1: He knows what to say about Christian and homosexuality, the
• 1:15:05
  Speaker 1: homosexuality apologetics. And I'm like, Oh Lord have mercy. Um, so,
• 1:15:10
  Speaker 1: you know, I've just, I've just sharing online. I've, you know,
• 1:15:13
  Speaker 1: brought even some courses to help people, I guess, with
• 1:15:15
  Speaker 1: like how to defend the faith and apologetics like that,
• 1:15:18
  Speaker 1: which is all connected, um, on my stand store. Um,
• 1:15:21
  Speaker 1: but like the podcast that I was starting to do,
• 1:15:24
  Speaker 1: like a lot of people kept coming to ask, like
• 1:15:27
  Speaker 1: questions and also to like find community. So the podcast
• 1:15:31
  Speaker 1: shifted into Redemption Ministries last year into this year. And
• 1:15:35
  Speaker 1: so it'll be a nonprofit that's obviously primarily focusing on
• 1:15:38
  Speaker 1: preaching the gospel, helping people be equipped when it comes
• 1:15:42
  Speaker 1: to the homosexuality topic. And our heart and our goal
• 1:15:45
  Speaker 1: is to even go into churches and church spaces and
• 1:15:47
  Speaker 1: communities to really help equip them. It's just getting started.
• 1:15:51
  Speaker 1: So we'll probably be like official official soon, like maybe
• 1:15:56
  Speaker 1: in like a month. a month or two. And I
• 1:16:00
  Speaker 1: have a Discord community as well. So if anyone is
• 1:16:03
  Speaker 1: looking to plug in, because sometimes people really don't have
• 1:16:07
  Speaker 1: community or connection with where they are, or maybe their journey,
• 1:16:10
  Speaker 1: they're in this weird wilderness or in between. And so
• 1:16:13
  Speaker 1: my pastors have been so great of just cheering me
• 1:16:16
  Speaker 1: on and then helping me navigate what this looks like
• 1:16:19
  Speaker 1: to help people. Because my pastor, he always says like,
• 1:16:24
  Speaker 1: There's going to be a time where you can say
• 1:16:26
  Speaker 1: something that I can't say. The way that I'm sharing
• 1:16:29
  Speaker 1: Jesus is going to be different. And I think also
• 1:16:32
  Speaker 1: coming from the lifestyle and struggling with same-sex attraction gives
• 1:16:37
  Speaker 1: us authority. It gives us weight in the spirit for
• 1:16:39
  Speaker 1: us to talk about these things. So Redemption Ministries is here.
• 1:16:44
  Speaker 1: You can email me at redemptionministries at gmail.com for any
• 1:16:48
  Speaker 1: information or connection or booking. And then we have the discord,
• 1:16:52
  Speaker 1: which is called the redeemed family. So yeah, I'm sure
• 1:16:56
  Speaker 1: you'll find all that. Yeah.
• 1:16:59
  Speaker 3: We'll link to that below. But yeah, we're going to
• 1:17:02
  Speaker 3: leave it there now for now. Thank you, Richard, for
• 1:17:05
  Speaker 3: coming on.
• 1:17:05
  Speaker 1: Thank you for having me.
• 1:17:07
  Speaker 4: Praise God for his mercy.
• 1:17:09
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Can we say a prayer?
• 1:17:11
  Speaker 4: Yes.
• 1:17:11
  Speaker 1: Say a prayer. I know we prayed earlier. I just,
• 1:17:16
  Speaker 1: just in case if anyone's watching, I always also think
• 1:17:18
  Speaker 1: about someone on the other side of the screen. I
• 1:17:21
  Speaker 1: just wanted to pray and even pray. You spoke about Romans.
• 1:17:25
  Speaker 1: Romans is such a great book. Apostle Paul does such
• 1:17:28
  Speaker 1: a great job of unpacking in Romans what it's like
• 1:17:32
  Speaker 1: to be filled with the Spirit and to follow God
• 1:17:35
  Speaker 1: through the Holy Spirit and be obedient to the Lord.
• 1:17:39
  Speaker 1: Specifically in Romans 7 and 8, it talks about the
• 1:17:43
  Speaker 1: sinful nature, right? My idea of following God was thinking that, like,
• 1:17:48
  Speaker 1: I'm not doing a good job because I'm not being
• 1:17:50
  Speaker 1: obedient to God. But if I have a fallen nature
• 1:17:53
  Speaker 1: and I've been sinful, and if my spirit has not
• 1:17:56
  Speaker 1: been filled with the Holy Spirit, how can I really
• 1:17:58
  Speaker 1: obey the law? So I needed God to obey God.
• 1:18:01
  Speaker 1: You need the Holy Spirit to be empowered to say
• 1:18:05
  Speaker 1: no to your temptations. Because even as you said in
• 1:18:08
  Speaker 1: your book, Beckett, it's important to pick up your cross
• 1:18:11
  Speaker 1: and follow Jesus. That's what Jesus did. You even talked
• 1:18:15
  Speaker 1: about Esau. You don't want to give up. the eternal salvation,
• 1:18:19
  Speaker 1: eternal life over just, you know, a single meal here
• 1:18:24
  Speaker 1: on earth, you know? So I just want to encourage
• 1:18:27
  Speaker 1: anyone listening, like the Holy Spirit is so important and vital.
• 1:18:32
  Speaker 1: You have to get a chance to know the Lord,
• 1:18:34
  Speaker 1: read your Bible, get plugged into a church community, be
• 1:18:37
  Speaker 1: empowered by the Holy Spirit.
• 1:18:38
  Speaker 3: Why?
• 1:18:38
  Speaker 1: Because the Holy Spirit, one of the fruit of the
• 1:18:40
  Speaker 1: Holy Spirit is self-control. Richard had no self-control before the
• 1:18:47
  Speaker 1: encounter with the Lord, with God. Like none. So you're like,
• 1:18:52
  Speaker 1: I don't have self-control. Yeah, you need the Lord. He
• 1:18:55
  Speaker 1: gives it to you. And so I just want to
• 1:18:57
  Speaker 1: pray into that. So Father God, I just thank you
• 1:19:00
  Speaker 1: so much, Lord, that forever who's listening, I pray that
• 1:19:03
  Speaker 1: they would be filled with encouragement that you love them. God,
• 1:19:06
  Speaker 1: it says in your word in Isaiah that... I know
• 1:19:10
  Speaker 1: you and that you are mine. I thank you, Lord,
• 1:19:13
  Speaker 1: that you are bringing back your children just as a
• 1:19:16
  Speaker 1: hen is bringing their chicks back into their arms. I pray, God,
• 1:19:19
  Speaker 1: that you would just touch them and just know that
• 1:19:22
  Speaker 1: they are not damaged goods. I pray that they, oh,
• 1:19:25
  Speaker 1: come on. Not a voice note in the middle of
• 1:19:27
  Speaker 1: the call. Let's exit that. All right. We're going to
• 1:19:30
  Speaker 1: get back to Jesus name. Oh, someone's calling me. All right.
• 1:19:38
  Speaker 1: We thank you, Lord, that you're with us during all
• 1:19:41
  Speaker 1: of these things that happen because you are a God
• 1:19:43
  Speaker 1: that never leaves us or forsake us. So I thank you, Lord,
• 1:19:46
  Speaker 1: that you are even there with them, even through trials
• 1:19:49
  Speaker 1: and tribulations, God, that you will help them know that
• 1:19:52
  Speaker 1: in order to obey you, that they need you. And
• 1:19:54
  Speaker 1: we pray that this conversation would go deep inside of
• 1:19:57
  Speaker 1: their hearts. And we pray, Lord, that you would convict
• 1:20:00
  Speaker 1: them and help them continue to see you as holy,
• 1:20:03
  Speaker 1: as righteous, and as good because you love them. You
• 1:20:06
  Speaker 1: love them so much. And we thank you, Lord, in
• 1:20:10
  Speaker 1: Jesus name. Amen.
• 1:20:12
  Speaker 4: Amen. Thank you.
• 1:20:16
  Speaker 1: All right, Beckett. Thank you so much.
• 1:20:18
  Speaker 4: Wait, don't touch that dial. Please like and subscribe.
• 1:20:21
  Speaker 3: And also please consider becoming a patron on Patreon for
• 1:20:25
  Speaker 3: as little as $ 5 a month. You can really help
• 1:20:27
  Speaker 3: us out on the show. The link is below and
• 1:20:30
  Speaker 3: we so, so appreciate it.
• 1:20:32
  Speaker 4: Thank you.
• 1:20:36
  Speaker 2: Thank you for listening to this episode of The Beckett
• 1:20:38
  Speaker 2: Cook Show. Your support makes this content possible. All episodes
• 1:20:44
  Speaker 2: of The Beckett Cook Show are also available on YouTube.
• 1:20:48
  Speaker 2: For more information about Beckett and his ministry, visit his
• 1:20:51
  Speaker 2: website at beckettcook.com.
• 1:20:54
  Speaker 3: Thank you to the team at Life Audio for their
• 1:20:56
  Speaker 3: partnership with us. If you go to lifeaudio.com, you will
• 1:20:59
  Speaker 3: find more faith-centered podcasts about prayer, Bible study, parenting, and more.