Latest / The Love Drive with Shaun Galanos / You don’t need to be ready to be loved

Transcript

You don’t need to be ready to be loved · The Love Drive with Shaun Galanos

• 0:00
  Maybe we could deal with it together, maybe we can
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  brainstorm together. Maybe we can hold each other
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  through that together. That sounds nice,
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  Hello, my love lies. God, I got to say, I'm going to
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  be honest here. I'm feeling a little
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  trepidatious and I'm a little shy.
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  I'm a little shy this afternoon. But here we are and I want to
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  share something a little vulnerable.
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  I think you're probably getting used to that at this point.
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  I've gotten a lot of feedback from a lot of people saying they
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  really value my vulnerability and they thank me for it.
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  So you're welcome. I don't know how to be any other
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  way, so I'll just be this way. But I told somebody recently
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  that I was scared of being too complicated.
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  This was in a romantic context. And she paused a beat, quite a
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  long beat. And then she said, if I thought
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  you were too complicated, I would not be a good partner for
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  you. And I've been thinking about
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  that ever since she said it. And it's leading me to think
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  about this concept of I will date when I'm more XYZ.
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  And in my case, I will date when I'm less complicated, when I
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  have things figured out. I mean, OK, the reality with me
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  right now is that I'm in a big transition.
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  And maybe I think that if I weren't in a transitional space,
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  I would be easier to date. It would be less complicated.
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  And maybe you've experienced some version of this, right?
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  You will date when you lose the weight.
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  You will date when you get the job.
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  You will be ready to date when you move out of your parents
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  place. You will be ready to date when
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  the divorce is finalized, or when you heal more, or when you
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  feel ready or complete. When you are more of a catch.
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  When there is more of a reason for somebody to want to date
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  you. This is pretty common, right?
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  It sounds wise. It sounds like self improvement.
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  It sounds like the right thing to do.
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  Don't show up messy. Don't show up unprepared, don't
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  show up half assed. And who wouldn't want to put
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  their best foot forward? Who wouldn't want to put their
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  most curated, confident, ready version of themselves out on the
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  dating market? It doesn't even have to be
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  dating, huh? It could be like, I'll ask for
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  the promotion when I get these new skills.
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  I'll launch the course. When I finish this whatever
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  training, I'll start dating. Once I finish this course, once
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  I listen to all 165 episodes of the Love Drive podcast, then
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  I'll start dating. Which I actually think is really
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  good advice, but I also think that you can do it while
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  listening to all 165 episodes of the podcast.
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  We've heard this before, right? Like put your best foot forward.
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  Show up on dates the way you want others to show up.
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  And you don't want some fucking messy person showing up on a
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  date, you know, some unhealed, half assed version of somebody.
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  The reality is that like most of us are, I mean, we're all
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  unfinished until, until we're dead.
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  It's funny this like this ideal, this idea is bringing me lots of
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  joy. It's actually, it's just making
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  me laugh of like the things that we put in place to protect us
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  from being seen, because that's what this is.
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  I'll date when I lose the weight because I don't want to be seen
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  how I currently AM. I'll date when I get the job
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  because I don't want to be seen as someone who doesn't have a
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  job, or who's underemployed, or who lives at home, or who's
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  still triggered by their downstairs neighbor, or who
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  doesn't have it figured out, or who's not in transition.
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  Because if you dated or you showed up or you opened up just
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  the way you are right now, someone might see you in a place
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  that you don't really want to be seen in a place that you're not
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  super comfortable being. Speaking personally, I am in a
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  lot of transition right now and it is very uncomfortable.
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  I am relaunching this podcast and that is scary.
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  I am moving back to a city that I know and I'm, and I'm having a
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  lot of feelings about it, feelings of inadequacy, feelings
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  of like failure. For some reason, a lot of them
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  don't make sense. But I don't want to be seen in
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  this vulnerable space. And so my version is, you know,
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  when I'm not in transition, then I'll then I'll be open to
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  falling in love. Or if I weren't so complicated,
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  if I weren't so disorganized, if I didn't get triggered so
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  easily, if I didn't struggle with conflict the way that I do
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  currently. More on that some other time.
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  The problem with this I'll date when XYZ happens is that the
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  goal posts always moves. You will hit one condition and
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  then the next one appears. You'll lose the 10 lbs and then
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  something else will happen because things never stop
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  happening. We're never our fully realized,
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  fully fulfilled best self. We're always a work in progress.
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  So there's always a reason or an excuse for why you won't put
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  yourself out there. And I don't don't really want to
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  make this all about dating because it can be really, really
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  anything. I'll do this when this thing
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  happens because it's not really about the weight, it's about the
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  fear of being seen as you are. Unfinished work in progress,
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  less perfect than you could be ready is usually code for
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  something like small enough or perfect enough or good enough
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  that no one could reject me. If I was less complicated, I
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  wouldn't be scared of showing up in a really complicated way and
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  so I wouldn't get rejected by this person for being so
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  complicated. And the risk of me showing up
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  just the way I am, super complicated, a little conflict
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  adverse, a little unskilled in certain relational areas that I
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  wouldn't get rejected for that I wouldn't be seen in this like
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  half baked state, which is hard. I think it's hard.
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  I think a lot of us struggle with being seen.
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  I also want to say that there's, you know, there's an exception
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  to this stuff, right? I think the line in the sand is
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  probably like acute grief in crisis, not transition.
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  I think there are times where maybe it's OK to not put
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  yourself out there. It's OK to retreat and lick your
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  wounds. It's OK to take time to heal,
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  right? If you're in a raw grief from a
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  death, if you're in a breakup that's still bleeding, if you're
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  in a serious health crisis, active addiction recovery, your
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  nervous system probably needs a little bit of grounding before
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  it can safely be vulnerable with somebody new.
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  So I don't think that's avoiding putting yourself out there.
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  I think that's just wise. But things like, I just moved in
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  between jobs, I'm in therapy, I live with roommates, my career
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  isn't where I wanted to be. I'm broke.
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  Those aren't reasons to wait, right?
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  That's just life and half the people you know are in that same
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  soup right now. You probably have more in common
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  with others than you think. Also, what's nice is that, you
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  know, a lot of these things, they, they change and some of
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  these things heal in relationship, like my, you know,
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  complex attachment system, my rusty conflict resolution
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  skills. Those things can actually get
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  better in a relationship. Your financial or career
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  transition can be something that a new person can support you
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  through within reason. You know, as long as you have
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  other avenues of support, your weight loss journey, you know,
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  this new person could be like, oh, hey, I play pickleball on
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  Wednesdays and I go and I do a running club on Fridays.
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  You're you're welcome to join me if that's something that would
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  be interesting to you. I remember being in LA last year
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  and I went for a physical and I told the doctor I wanted to lose
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  10 lbs and he goes, everybody needs to or I said I need to
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  lose 10 lbs and he goes, everybody needs to lose 10 lbs.
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  I really like that. I thought that was cute Russian
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  guy. The test isn't is anything hard
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  right now that would prevent me from showing up.
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  It's do I have the capacity to actually show up for someone or
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  am I in a season where the honest answer is no because it's
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  totally valid for it to be no, You are not in a place to show
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  up for someone because that's what meeting people people is,
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  right? People showing up for each
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  other, taking turns cheering vulnerably, supporting each
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  other, having fun, going on dates, going on adventures,
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  deepening. If you honestly think that you
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  don't have the capacity for that, that's OK.
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  Most people are in that season. You know, the season of like, I
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  really cannot show up for anybody.
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  They just feel like they are because the the bar they've set
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  is have everything together and no one has everything together.
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  Some people look like they have everything together.
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  And the problem is once you start comparing yourself to
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  those people, well, you've heard me say it before, but what
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  you're doing is you're comparing your insides, the way you feel
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  on the inside to some of these outsides, the way somebody
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  looks. We don't know what's going on
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  with them really, you know, unless they're a close, close
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  person to you. So this person, this new person
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  didn't say, oh, Sean, you're not complicated.
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  She said that complexity isn't really the disqualifier.
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  Capacity is the disqualifier. If someone needs you simplified
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  to love you, or if they need you smaller, richer, with a bigger
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  apartment, less complicated, more healed, then maybe they're
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  not the person to show up for you and to love you right now,
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  just the way you are. Maybe they want to love a
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  smaller version that won't hold up over a lifetime.
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  The right person will see my complexity or your complexity or
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  your current state as the thing that they're signing up for.
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  Not something to manage, not something to live through.
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  You don't get ready and then date.
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  You date as you are. And that's how you find people
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  who can actually hold you so you can start right now, you know,
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  mess and all, unemployed, wishing your body were a
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  different thing. By the way, everybody wishes
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  their body was a different thing.
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  Even people who are like objectively super fit are still
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  impacted by today's unrealistic standards for beauty.
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  You can have roommates, you can be in a complicated Co parenting
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  dog situation with your ex. You could be launching a new
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  podcast and really not sure where income is going to come
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  from. You could be partially homeless
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  in the Bay Area waiting for something to open up or develop.
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  You could have a relationship that's complicated with your
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  parents. You can be healing from
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  childhood trauma. You can be living with mental
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  health challenges, anxiety, depression.
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  You can date in all of those states because everybody's doing
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  that and everybody's got some version of that.
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  Everybody's got something that they're not super proud of.
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  And I will say that it is quite healing to share that with
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  somebody and say, hey, you know what, this thing, let's super
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  proud of it. And then they can go, oh, that I
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  think that's cute. I don't think that's a problem.
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  They might go, oh, that I have that.
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  I have that too. Maybe we could deal with it
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  together. Maybe we can brainstorm
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  together. Maybe we can hold each other
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  through that together. That sounds nice, right?
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  But you can't, you can't, you can't get that unless you open
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  up. You can't get that unless you
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  boldly show others who you are. Slowly over time, of course, I'm
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  not saying, you know, RIP the jumpsuit off on the first date,
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  slow and steady wins the race. But, you know, slowly and
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  steadily opening yourself up to somebody else who is hopefully
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  also slowly and steadily opening themselves up to you.
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  That sounds nice, right? And the truth is that I'm still
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  figuring this thing out, and that's kind of the point.
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  So I hope this pep talk was helpful.
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  I don't have AQ and A today, but you're always welcome to leave
• 13:33
  1-415-494-9559 The next episode, the next solo episode is sort of
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  the flip side to this one. A listener wrote in about a guy
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  she's been seeing. Great connection, real long term
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  potential, but the sex feels awkward.
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  Then he's clearly in his head. By the way, I can totally relate
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  to this. He's just out of a 15 year
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  relationship where intimacy never really deepened and she's
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  wondering, is this workable? How long do I give it?
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  How do I invite him into more without making him feel bad
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  about where he is? And the question I really can't
• 14:12
  wait to answer is, can you actually teach an adult to be a
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  better kisser? That's the next solo episode and
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  next episode. I'm really excited.
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  We are sitting down and talking to Debbie Barish, who is has a
• 14:25
  lot of letters at the end of her name.
• 14:29
  Let's see DNPMSWHNPBC OK, so sexual and reproductive health
• 14:34
  nurse practitioner and we are talking all about herpes, her
• 14:38
  journey, my journey, how to protect yourself, how to talk
• 14:40
  about it. This is like the definitive
• 14:43
  guide to herpes and probably other St. is I'm really, really
• 14:47
  pumped. Debbie is knowledgeable,
• 14:51
  authentic, kind of whip smart. She left a voicemail for the
• 14:56
  podcast and I reached out to her and I said, yo, I need more than
• 14:59
  a voicemail. I need a whole episode with you.
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  So very excited about next week's episode of the Love Drive
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  podcast and let's see if this episode hit.
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  I want to hear from you. Did you wait?
• 15:12
  Are you still waiting? What was the condition you set
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  for yourself? What were you waiting for?
• 15:17
  Before you can put yourself out there?
• 15:19
  Drop it in the in the comments. I read all of them on Spotify or
• 15:23
  YouTube. If you've got a question you
• 15:26
  want me to take on for future solo episodes, 415-494-9559 or
• 15:32
  e-mail me a voice note or an e-mail podcast at the Love
• 15:35
  dr.com. And if you love this episode and
• 15:38
  you love this podcast, the best thing you can do, Leave a review
• 15:41
  on Apple Podcast or Spotify and share it with a friend.
• 15:45
  And in the meantime, you have a beautiful week.