Transcript

Bobby · Recovery Chronicles

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Welcome to the Recovery Chronicles, where we dive deep into the inspiring journeys of
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individuals who have triumphed over adversity and found healing and resilience on the path to
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recovery from Johnson alcohol. We'll sit down with people who have embrace changed and
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emerge stronger than ever. Get ready to be uplifted, motivated, and empowered
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as we embark on a journey of healing, growth, and possibility. Welcome
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everyone to the Recovery Chronicles. Today we have the infamous, infamous Bobby Great
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Eagle here to share his story and some of his recovery and what that looks
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like for him. So thank you for coming today for the invite. Yeah,
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So starting out, what is your Durga choice and how long have you
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been sober? Alcohol? But like I've heard on other previous podcasts, it's
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what I did alcohol. It open the door for everything. But alcohol was
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my go to And what was that? Was the other part? How long
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you've been sober? Twenty three years? Wow, that's a long time,
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basically your whole life, because you don't look much older than twenty three.
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Well, I'm actually what happened for me is I I had a spiritual experience.
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At the age of twenty seven. I was on the verge of divorce.
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I was a convicted felon, absent father, all the things I said,
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I wouldn't be bridges burned, isolating at that time. You know,
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my wife was like, I'm done with you. And so it was twenty
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seven years, twenty seven years old, twenty six years somewhere in there,
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and that's when the change happened. And I've been the same ever since.
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Sounds like a blessing. Oh my goodness, Yeah, my life. I
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don't think my life would be where it's at today had God not stepped in,
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you know, I say it that way because you know, for me,
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religion and relish and ship with the Creator has been quite important. My
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mother always made sure that us kids were you know, we knew that,
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you know, we knew the holidays, religious holidays and all that, and
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so for me, I use God. But yeah, had he not stepped
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in, and I don't know, I don't I don't think I'm here and
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I think that one of my near death experiences, you know, in the
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rooms of AA and in recovery community here. You know, do you think
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you had another relapse in you. I take that and I say I didn't
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have another near death experience in me, Yeah, because I had two of
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them, and they were just getting they were getting closer and they're getting worse.
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So tell us a little bit more about that, or take us back
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to where the using started. Yeah. Probably the biggest aha I got was
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on my sixteenth birthday. And I had been parting up until that point,
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sure, you know, and I found I found a community of friends that
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were just kind of like, I don't know, similar, you know.
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Back then we were called the loads. Okay, yeah, I'm familiar with
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the term. We had long hair and black shirts and jean jackets and the
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jackets and stuff. But I found, I found they were my people.
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They didn't judge me, you know, and they accepted me. And so
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I started hanging around them and started testing things. And about sixteen, I
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know it was sixteen because we were planning it for so long, and we
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were like, we're gonna do something. And the boys had one job,
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get the alcohol, and we're gonna My mom didn't care what we did,
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so we always just you know, hung out downstairs, you know, in
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the base. We kept it quiet. But I remember they didn't come through.
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They didn't come through. They didn't And I was like, you guys
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had one job, one job, one job. All I do is to
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furnish the place for people to hang out and kick it and chill. Right.
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I do that almost like every day, you guys, somebody's over here,
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and you guys couldn't pull through and just get the alcohol. Oh man,
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I was. I was pissed, and I shut down and didn't talk
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to them and gave him the cold shoulder, you know, and they're all
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welcome. We still go into the movie. You know. At that time,
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the new release was Terminator to taking us back a little bit. People
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could be like, what the heck is that old? And that after the
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movie is overs. When they told me they couldn't find a buyer, they
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didn't have you know, and I'm just like, man, then, I,
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like I said, I shut down. And one of the things that
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I remember is I was just thinking to myself, what the heck, what's
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wrong? What's wrong with you? These are these are these are people that
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don't give up on you. They don't you know, they don't judge you
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and all that. That's when I knew. I was like, something is
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changed. That you can't live with this. You know, they can't.
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You the boys don't pull through, and these guys were down. I mean
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we fought to get you know, we bought the people together, right man.
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I was just I just knew right then and there I had entered into
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new sure, like the alcohol is more important than yep as the friends.
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I was just like, this is getting serious. And so sixteen is when
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when I say that I really knew, you know, that sixteenth birthday when
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I really knew I had a problem. Sure, And it just continued.
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So you said you had two near death experiences. What was the first one?
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The first one was we were I got word that we were there was
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a party going on north of north of Bismarck, and there was gonna be
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keg out there a bunch of drugs, and you know, as figured out
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how way to lie to my wife. I got we got married when we
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just when I just turned eighteen, she just turned eighteen. I mean we
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were just wow kids. My first my first son arrived when I was seventeen,
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and wow. So so I'm like, yeah, We're gonna go hang
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out with some you know, I made all these lies up and we go
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out we go out there and we start, we start boozing. It was
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about four o'clock in the afternoon. No, we left my place at four
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o'clock, got out there and we started, and I was already tanked by
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like four. And one of my friends had a dirt bike. Oh jeez.
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And so he's like, he's like riding it around and I'm like,
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man, I could do that. And I was like, hey, let
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me ride your bike, and he is, no, no, and he
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just kept it. I was like, dude, just let me ride it
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in in this fenced off area with you know, in first year. He's
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like, dude, this has had one of those like motocross bikes. Yeah.
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And he's like he's telling us that it had a power band and I
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don't know what that is. And I'd gotten it and the front wheel came
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off the ground. Oh no, I went straight into a barber wire fence.
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Oh no. And so I'm right now, for those of you that
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are listening, I'm showing I'm showing a man to my Oh wow. Just
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one of where I went into the on my arm a battle wound. Yeah.
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So I went in sideways. The wheel came off the ground and by
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the time it came down and I was gonna try to turn. All that
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force and all the momentum threw me into the barbed wire fence. So I
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hit it on my left side and just went straight through. And I'm laying
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there and I'm drunk, and I'm like, I know I'm messed up,
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and everybody's running over there, like boa man, you're asked up. And
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I'm like, nobody touched me. And they're like they're like, let's get
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your foot out of there. I was in the barb wire and let's get
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your foot out of the fence. And I'm telling them, I'm like,
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I just need to calm down. I just need to calm down. And
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then I feel this warm come, this warmness coming down my side and going
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to my back, and I'm like, oh my goodness, I bet you
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My guts are hanging out. And so I was like, I gotta work
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up enough courage. And they're still trying to talk to me. I'm like,
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just shot. We're all cussing at each other, we're running, it's
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just chaos. Yeah, And so I'm sitting there. I finally work up
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the courage and I look down and I'm like, oh, thank goodness.
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You know, my guts are still in there. But I had a big
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gash in my stomach and then on my leg and pants are ripped up up,
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and so they're like, we got to get him down to my parents,
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my parents farm. So they take me down to his farm, his
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parents farm, and they're like, you need to go to the hospital.
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Yeah, And I'm like, there's no way I'm leaving this party. You
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know, we just the keg isn't even done yet. I'm saying this to
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myself. I have to fight to stay here. Plus there were drugs all
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over the place and I'm staying and they're like, well, I said,
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just just hose me off. Sure enough, they just pulled the garden nose
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out. You know knows how long that sucker was sitting out. Yeah,
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hygen, Yeah, hose me off. Put some proxide, pourt some proxide,
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I mean, put gaze on me and these this this is these are
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my friends. They couldn't find anything to secured, so they used electrical tape.
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So I'm sitting there with gaz on my on my left arm, gaze
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on my abdomens, on my leg, clothes or just ripped up. Somebody
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had an extra instead of like joggers. And they put their shirt on me
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that was way big. And so we went back to the party. Wow,
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almost got in a fight that night at the Silver Dollarow. And how
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old were you? Ah that I was probably about twenty five? No,
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wait, no, I had to be even before that, because I continued
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even after that, so mid twenties somewhere in there. Yeah, just before
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they app Yeah, And so we continue to go and I get dropped off
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my place, you know, people I was. I guess I was carted
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around. I don't remember anything. You take him, you take him.
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My My wife t is gonna like she's gonna kill us. And so finally
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they were just like you got to drop them off, you know. And
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so they dropped me off, and my wife phound me the next morning,
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five am, and she said that you were in the living or in the
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dining room upstairs, downstairs, duplex. You're in the dining room, sitting
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on the floor with a half gan of milk in between your legs. I
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walked over to you and I was missing work and I'm so pissed and I
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look at you and I'm like, what's going on? And you said something
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Im on ah, and you mumbled something, you said in my eye,
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can't feel my arm, and she she said, she looked down and she
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pulled the gauze back and she's like, it's still gaping open. Yeah.
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See the level of yeah, you know on the arm here they had to
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like push it together and after they cleaned it out, oh my goodness,
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and then and then staple it. So seventy two staples later, and the
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doctor was trying to get you know, so she took me to the hospital
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doctor and doctor is like, you know, if you would have went deeper
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right through here and you're showing me you could have bled out out there,
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you would have. And they told me what that with that vein is that
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goes through your arm here? You say you would have bled out out there
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if it was a party and nobody knew. Yeah, I think I'm assuming
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nobody knows what to do out there because they got electrical tape. And so
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I was just like whatever, man, you know, so no epiphany at
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this point of maybe this is a problem. The following day after, I
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was like limping around and I come, you know, you're really licking your
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wounds right, Yeah, I'm like, this is not cool. So but
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you kept going. I kept going. So what was the second? The
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second one? I used to work for a railroad company, Opicky, and
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we traveled all over and we were the the contract and crew that loved the
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party in small towns and fight. That was what we did. I was
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the smallest guy in the world, but it didn't matter. These guys wanted
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to These guys always wanted to battle, and so they were. We were
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always getting ourselves in stupid situations. And that's BC Bobby before creator Bobby.
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Yeah, yeah, and so I am there's I can't believe some of the
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stuff I did. But we're drinking and we're talking, and I guess I
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was just talking like I am right now and just passed up, just all
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of a sudden. Yeah, you just went straight back, hit your head
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on the curb on and you were out. We just carried We just carried
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you to your hotel room. So we're contracting crew and we just laid you
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in there and we continued to party. Wow, And I'm like, what
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the heck. I woke up that next morning and I'm like, what the
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where's everybody at? And then I feel a bandanna on my head and it's
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a red bandana. I'm like, did I join a gang? And so
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I'm like, what is going? And then I feel there's there's I'm like,
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what is that? And I see dry blood on my hands after feeling
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it, and I'm like, I got to figure out what I'm gonna do
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about a work excuse. I was left behind by them and obviously they tried
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to wake me up and I didn't wake up. So I'm trying to figure
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out a work excuse. So I walk over to the clinic in this small
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town and I just need a doctor to say that I, you know,
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yeah, don't need to go to work. And so I get over there
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and it's a small it's one of the bigger clinics in the hankinscenario. And
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they're like they listen to me and they're like, what were you doing last
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night? Getting information? So do a CT on me? Find out that
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I have a blood cloud on my brain. Oh wow, and that's why
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you passed out. They're like, you don't understand. We're going to take
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you to Oaks and put you there. It's to monitor you. Like this
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thing if it doesn't stop what it's doing, this is serious. You might
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need to be airlifted to Rochester. So they get a hold of my boss.
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He's got one of those back. Then turns out, yeah, it
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all worked up. So he gets a phone call from from the doctor there
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and he comes in. He's just like like just floored, and I said,
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what the heck? What what He's like? Then he tells me you
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fell backwards, hit your head on the on the concrete curb and blacked out.
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He just said, I tried waking you up. And I'm like,
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oh, here, you get more information on what happened. Tried waking you
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up, You got up and you said if you he said, so,
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I wasn't going to take that from you, Like I said we were fighters
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that. He's like, I'm not going to take that from me. He
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said, what busted? You knocked me out? Oh wow, that's a
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story. I'm like, for the hell. He's like, yeah, what
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the yeah, okay, I guess I was in the wrong because you know,
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yeah. Meanwhile, I have blood cloud on my brain about to die.
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So the doctor tells him what the doctor what? What she told me?
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And so he's like, well, I'll get a hold of your family
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and she finds out. He finds out she's got to drive from Bismarck all
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the way over to the east side of the state to pick me up.
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But I'll never forget what the doctor said. And this is kind of maybe
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the first maybe epiphany that I had. Indian doctor from India, mister Good.
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She's like, uh, I've I've seen your charts. You're always in
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here because of alcohol. You're in the medical facilities because of alcohol. If
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you don't do something, you're gonna die, you know. So she probably
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got word back that I was, you know, a couple of years before
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that, I had this accident on the fence or whatever. And she just
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leaves. She's like, we have to not feed you. That's why we're
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that's why you're not getting any meals, because if we have to airlift you
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to Rochester, we're gonna have to do brain surgery. And I'm like what
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And I'm by myself and the smoke me. I have no idea. She
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just leaves and walks out of the room and I'm just sitting there. Now
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it's hitting home, like this is this is two Yeah, this is strike
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too, buddy. I'm sitting there and I gotta I gotta do something.
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This is this is getting this is out of control, you know, and
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so kind of maybe purpose semi purpose in my life. I wasn't gonna drink
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again. Back to Bismarck and went out to the races and had another beer
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in my hand, couldn't stop. My wife was just looking at me like,
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right, what's it gonna take? You know? What the heck?
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You know? And so, yeah, those are the two the two near
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death ones that I can that I can remember that really stick out to me.
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There are times when I drove home and I'd go outside and I'd look
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in my car would be up on the boulevard and the back the back door
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wide open and the coolers in the back. I'm like, what happened?
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Yeah? Scary, yeah, because I could have killed someone. So after
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the second event, you said you went to the races, you drank,
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did you continue to drink after that? Like what was the final straw?
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I mean you kind of talked about that, you know, your wife,
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your job, your house, all of those things, But at what point
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or what happened where you were like, Okay, I got laid off that
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that that winter, they worked us as long as we can and I got
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laid off and our relationship continued to get bad. I mean I put I
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put her through eight years of hell, her and my my oldest son,
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and then her youngest son arrived, and just eight years of hell, cheating
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on her, fighting legal troubles, I mean everything, and so she just
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basically was done with it. And she's like, I want I want out.
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I went out, and I just want you to know that I'm saving
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money. And when once I get once I get enough saved, I'm out.
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Yeah, you want to fight because I always threatened her like you try
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to take my boys away from me, the tribe's gonna fight and they're gonna,
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you know, just posturing at the end of the day. And she
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is just like, I don't care. You want to fight for one of
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the boys, and fight for one of the boys if you want to one
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of one of those vehicles as you're sitting outside whatever. I'm just done.
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And then she stopped talking to me. So stop talking to me. Get
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laid off. I wasn't a father, I mean, it was my bottom.
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I mean I felt it was I felt alone, yeah, you know,
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and so no money in that place, and I get a phone call.
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It was just like, hey, it's it's as I got that money
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that I owe you, I was like, yeah, yeah, man,
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I'm home, come on over. And it's only a twenty spot, but
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I know what I can get with a twenty And so I heard it.
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Had it spent waiting for him to get over it gets over because I was
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like, at this point, I'm just like I need a drink. You
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know. There was only one time that I feel like I got close to
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DT's in my in my in my battle with alcohol, but this one was
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more. It was just it was like really in my head, like I
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didn't like where I was going. It was kind of like on the movie
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The Last Samurai where Tom Tom Cruise is with the Samurai and he's just like
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he has to deal with what he's done. I couldn't. At least when
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I was drunk, I could forget about that. Yep. Absolutely, you
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know. I remember walking by the bathroom and I would just look and I'd
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just be disgusted what I saw. And now I have nothing, and so
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I'm just thinking about spending the money. He gets over there, and I'm
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just like, yeah, yeah, okay, whatever leaves already. Why do
19:38
you want to visit now? We never visited you know. Yeah. So
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he's not even to his car, and I already have my hand in the
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in the closet and I'm grabbing my coat heading out in the one the few
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sentences she said to me, she looks at me and says, what do
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you Where are you going? Only like a wife could, a German Russian
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woman could, And she's like, where are you going? I'm like,
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I s owed me some money. I'm gonna go get a thirty pack and
20:04
a pack of cigarettes. And she's like, you know, I'm I'm the
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only one working. I have a part time job. We have a half
20:11
gallon of milk and half and a half loaf of bread, Like do you
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know you know what? Go get your stupid beer. All you do is
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think of your self anyway, mm hmm. Cussed her out in front of
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my sons and went outside. And I'm sitting in the driveway getting ready to
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leave. You know, I'm gonna put it in reverse and I'm gonna jam
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on the gas. I'm gonna show her in the whole world that you don't
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mess with this half Indian. And so she's you know, I'm sitting out
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there and the clearest thought I've ever had came to mind, and it was
20:45
so clear that it I still to this day feel like it was audible and
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it came from the back seat. I don't know. I don't know.
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I have to take into consideration that was all in my head, you know,
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really really needing alcohol. But I feel like it didn't come for me
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because I'm sitting out there and I look up and we had the upstairs part
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of the duplex, and I look up and I see the glow of our
21:11
dining room light, and the s thought comes, what are you doing?
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And then this next sentence that like changed everything from change was the beginning of
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the change. You know, She's right, all you do is think of
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yourself. I got chills. I turned off the car, like, go
21:36
inside, throw the money on the on the microwave, go in the living
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room, and pout like only a man can pout. Absolutely sat in that
21:42
chair with some weight, you know. I was, Oh, man,
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I was mad, you know. And I during a drunken stupor when one
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night I ordered these books called Power for a Living, some infomercial I saw
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when I was drunk, and I was like, hey, that sounds pretty
22:00
good. Different way of life, you know, and creator can come and
22:03
you know, and change you. And so I ordered him, but I
22:07
just set them up on the So I'm not drinking during this time. I
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haven't went. I didn't go, and I sit in there and I remember
22:17
those books are on there, so we're I don't know how we did it.
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I think she was most of her check went to rent anyway and all
22:22
that, but we were barely keeping our heads above you know, heads above
22:27
water. And then all of a sudden, you know, So I remember
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knowing nothing on TV, you know, your three channels at one o'clock in
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the morning, in the morning infomercials, and so I remember those books are
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on top of the on top of the fridge, so I grab them.
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I start reading them, and it explains that, you know, from a
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Christian point of view, of what God did you know for humanity through this
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man Jesus. And I'm like, as I read it, I'm thinking,
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wow, if this is real, this could be, this could be a
23:00
game changer. And so I slid off that favorite chair I had, and
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I got on my knees, and I didn't know how to pray, you
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know, I forgot forgot the Lord's prayer. I forgot all of that,
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and so I just read that prayer that was in there, and so I
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just read it sentence by sentence. Oh God, I admit that I have
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lived my own way up to this time, sentence after sentence. So I
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would read it close my eyes repeat it, read it close, my eyes,
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repeat it. So I did that and got through the prayer. And
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I can't explain it. Something something came into that, into that space,
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into that room that just was I could feel like there's a change happening,
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something, something's going on right now. So it was for me. I
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had a I had a spiritual experience, not the level of Bill Wilson,
23:49
but it was just as impactful. I tell people that the weight, the
23:53
weight in like it felt like humidity in the room, Like when you that
24:00
weight that you walk in you're in the air conditioning. You go outside and
24:03
you're like, oh man, I just got wrapped up by you know.
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That's what the presence felt like. So I'm sitting there and I'm like,
24:11
what the heck? And I look at at the clock and I'm like,
24:15
wow, it's four o'clock in the morning. How long have I been at
24:18
this? And so I'm like, I gotta tell somebody. There's something different,
24:22
you know, because I get up and there's I can tell there's a
24:25
difference. That that condemnation that I was carrying around, that shame, it
24:30
was gone, and I couldn't. I was like, what the heck happened?
24:37
So I'm like, I got to tell somebody. I'm like, I'm
24:40
not going into wake her up. Yeah, probably you're drunk. Yeah,
24:45
he got at it. He got at it again, and now he's drinking,
24:48
drinking lysol or yeah, some mouthwash or something. But so I'm I'm
24:53
like, I gotta just go to bed. So I go to bed and
24:57
she goes. She ends up going to work. She did is just doing
25:00
it all takes both boys to where they need to go, one daycare,
25:06
one school. And I get up and I can feel that there's something different.
25:12
There's something different about me. I can't explain it, but there's something
25:15
different about me. So I go out to the living room and look,
25:18
I look at the chair and I'm like, did that really happen? And
25:22
I'm starting to doubt a little bit, like yeah, And all of a
25:26
sudden, I noticed it's gone. That shame. You know. I would
25:32
walk by that mirror in that our bedroom was right there, and the bathroom
25:34
was right there. I walk by the mirror and I would just be sometimes
25:37
be like I often hate you. I can't believe you said that you would
25:42
never do and you've everything that you said that you wouldn't do. You became
25:48
but that was all gone, yeah, and I could tell there was something
25:51
different about me, and so I'm like, I gotta I gotta share this.
25:56
I have to share this. And so she comes home and it was
25:59
like maybe after picking up the boys, and I said, can you come
26:03
to the table. I want to talk to you and the boys, and
26:06
she's just kind of like, you know, she's like, what you know,
26:11
hit that tea really hard, but you know, like I just need
26:15
to tell you something. And so she gets to the table and she's down
26:21
on the right across from me, on the end of the table, and
26:23
my oldest is to my left. And I said, well, I have
26:26
no other way to explain it. I was almost like blaming the chair,
26:30
and I was so scared, and I just pointed at the chair and something
26:33
happened there last night and I'll never be the same. I can't explain it,
26:37
but I'm going to I'm going to be following God from now on.
26:41
And she gets these tears in her eyes, but she's pissed, you know.
26:45
I always ask guys, I'm like, do you ever see when your
26:48
wife has tears in her eyes but she's not sad? Guys are like you've
26:52
had those two? Like she's just holding it back because she's gonna let it
26:57
go, you know, she's gonna tear your head off, you know.
27:02
And so and she looked at me, and she just kind of looked at
27:06
me in a way that made me feel like I lying to her was okay,
27:11
but not in from the boys, you know. And so here you
27:15
are promising again that you're not gonna drink. I'm not gonna live that way.
27:18
And so I just said, you know, I don't I know any
27:22
other way to explain, but that's what happened. She just gets up and
27:25
walks away, and I'm just like, really, I thought, I thought
27:27
this is a Hallmark movie. I thought you don't look up to see.
27:30
I thought I thought there was We're supposed to live happily every after what huh?
27:34
And it wasn't that. What in the next three months were just like
27:37
she she would go out and go see family, and all that, and
27:41
I was just like, you know, like show me what to do.
27:48
What am I supposed to do? So you great, you took the drugs
27:52
and alcohol away. You you did something inside me that I can't explain.
27:53
But what no, what? And so she I'm about ready to give up.
28:03
Three months later, yeah, and I told and I told her,
28:04
and you know, one the few times I did talk to her, She's
28:08
sitting on another piece of furniture and she's just sitting there and I said,
28:11
you know, I'm decided, I'm not gonna do this anymore. It's too
28:15
hard to live in a relationship with creator, and so I'm gonna I'm gonna
28:19
give up. I just you know, I just I tried, you know.
28:25
And she looks at me and she's and then she like there's something different.
28:29
She drops her guard a little bit. She goes, remember that birthday
28:32
party I went to this past weekend. I said, yeah, She goes,
28:37
well, it was so and so and it was at the Kelly Inn
28:40
and she said it was pool side and she said, you want to know
28:44
what your son did? She said, he ran around to each one of
28:47
the tables. And this is all her family who knew the story, what
28:49
was happening. He was running around to all the tables and he was saying,
28:53
you want to know what God did for my daddy. So he was
28:57
listening and he was like and because I became like he was proud of me.
29:03
Like then she was like, I don't know. Maybe it was through
29:07
my son that she was like, you know what, he's a dad,
29:10
he's gonna be this is something different and my and our oldest son sees it
29:14
and that's powerful. And she was just like, you know, family is
29:18
asking, like you know, and then like you're coming around and you're asking
29:22
to come to family events and stuff and I never did that before. You
29:25
know, she was the mother and she takes care of the kids, you
29:29
know, And so I started showing up to things and she was just like
29:33
there she first my son saw the change, and then she saw the change.
29:37
So it just seemed like right. Then three months later, I got
29:41
my I got my my son's back, I became a father again, I
29:44
became a husband again, and it just kept on. I was like,
29:48
man, if he can do this, you know, and not everybody's stories
29:51
that way, but I think he did it. Because I still struggle with
29:56
a fear of abandonment. You know. Yeah, my my my biological father
30:00
dipped out, you know, and it was kind of you know, a
30:03
bad man. And you know, my mother got sober through hard fewd So
30:08
in some ways I feel like I'm giving back. You know, my stepfather
30:11
got sober through hard fueld. I feel like I'm giving back. And you
30:15
know, I tell the I tell people, I said, I wrote this
30:18
ride of Heartview five times. But but yeah, that's that's kind of how
30:26
that that's kind of how the spiritual experience, how the thing changed, and
30:30
that was just the beginning. It just kept on getting, I mean better.
30:33
It was hard. There were hard days, moments where I was ready
30:38
to throw the towel in it just for one drink, you know, right
30:41
absolutely, And people are like, really, you had a spiritual experience and
30:45
you still struggle. I was like I did. I can't lie to you,
30:48
you know, so, but yeah, that's from that night. That
30:55
was November twenty ninth of two thousand. Is when that that that is my
31:00
I call it my spiritual birthday, but that's my sobriety birthday. So it
31:04
was crazy. But this past last year, I got my twenty three year
31:08
coin from Heartview, you guys found a twenty three year coin. Nice my
31:14
home group, they were like, I don't even think we have twenty three
31:15
years, but Hartview had it, and so it was cool. It was
31:18
really cool to share that I was. I looked at it and people were
31:22
like, twenty three years. That's it's even hard. It's even just crazy
31:27
coming you know that coming out of my maum twenty three years. I just
31:30
before coming down here, I went and stopped at that apartment, drove by
31:34
and just like remembering, like and you know, so to me, that's
31:38
a sacred space, it is. Yeah, And so like I remember when
31:42
we left, we moved out of there and we moved into our current house,
31:47
and I was the last one to leave, and I went right to
31:49
that spot and I said the following prayer. I said, I don't know
31:52
who's ever going to live here, but maybe you can begin a relationship with
31:56
them too, because this place will always holy to me, you know.
32:00
And so that was just the beginning of a wonderful adventure that brings me to
32:06
this room. Yeah, did you go to treatment on and off? But
32:13
I only did because like either she wanted me, she wanted me to and
32:17
that was before this event ever happened, or Okay, I got you know,
32:22
cited for you know, like I'd get I'd get cited, but the
32:28
judge would be kind of like, there's something more here in the I want
32:31
you to go for an evaluation. And so I I think I went through
32:37
three outpatient treatment wait five with the Hard View I believe, and then two
32:42
with New Freedom, and then one with West Central or something like that,
32:45
but not after Okay, how did you become immersed in the church? So
32:54
that happened right away. I think that when I purposed in my purpose in
33:00
my heart to try to understand who this was, something happened and he's already
33:04
given me back my son's he's giving me back my wife, and he's like
33:09
doing these things that I can't even explain. She can't, nobody can explain
33:14
the change. And so I wanted to at least read this. This guy
33:19
that wrote these books Powerful Living was a believer, so I was like talked
33:22
about it in there, you know, and I'm like, Okay, I'm
33:24
going to read the Bible. So I read the Bible, and so I
33:28
realized, you know, listening to other things that I should be involved in
33:30
community and so I started instead of like going into like AAA or anything like
33:37
that or finding a home group, I just fully immersed into the church that
33:42
we're already living those principles. Anyways, doctor Bob and Bill Wilson, you
33:45
hear the old stories, that's where they got you know, that's where they
33:49
got most of this stuff. And so I worked the program through the church,
33:52
and it was it was tough because I had to learn. I had
33:58
to really behabilitated, and I had to learn things that I hadn't you know,
34:05
learned, Like I had to look at my spending and like what the
34:08
things that I were doing that was that I was doing that was driving tension
34:12
between me and my wife. I had to deal with a lot of like
34:15
family they call it curses in the church, but would be like like the
34:21
fact that my biological father left me and my mother always chose, you know,
34:25
going out and partying and drinking. That was you know, all of
34:29
that stuff was rejection, fear of a man of fear I was dealing with.
34:31
I was having to walk to you that and every now and then I
34:34
would let people in, you know, but I being in addiction, and
34:39
I say this, I say this to I say, try to explain this
34:42
to people in the church that in addiction, we as addicts and alcoholics,
34:47
we gain a dark wisdom, I say, And so our bs meter is
34:52
like ten yet And so when I'm in these communities, these spiritual communities,
34:58
in these churches, I'm like, oh, no, not you, what
35:02
the heck? And you're a leader. And so but as I started realizing
35:07
that, I started knowing that they were they were safe people, and I
35:09
had to you know, there were only there were people that I could share
35:13
with certain topics and things like that. And so I did a lot of
35:15
the steps within a church setting and you know, parachurch setting, yeahs like
35:22
that. So Bible studies, things like that that were going on. Were
35:24
you like volunteering at the church, working for the church, working to become
35:29
a I actually became over the course of time. I mean I had a
35:34
really good work. I had really good work ethic. That's one thing that
35:37
my stepfather taught me, you know, card and people were just like,
35:39
you know, I'd always everywhere I worked, I'd be promoted into some type
35:43
of leadership. And so church saw that immediately and they're like, we want
35:47
you to lead this and next thing. You know, I'm leading worships so
35:51
because I love to sing, yeah, and and be here do this,
35:55
and then I'm leading this program and I'm doing all that. And then eventually
36:00
folks were saying you would make a great staff pastor, you know. So
36:04
I went through all of that and so yeah, I eventually got really jumped
36:07
in, really deep, you know, and I was going to do it,
36:10
and then around COVID he called me away, just before COVID called me
36:15
out of it, and I was like, I don't this doesn't make any
36:17
sense to me, but you haven't. You really haven't let me down up
36:22
to this point, like I don't know what a what what the even concept
36:27
of of of a healthy father looks like, but my relationship with you is
36:34
pales any human relationship. And so I asked him for two sets of tires
36:37
one time in prayer. He didn't have the money, and I was like,
36:40
can you give me? And one person, yeah, one person sent
36:45
me out of the blue. They just met me at a conference. He
36:49
came to mind, wrote a thousand dollars check that covered one of the vehicles
36:52
because of the LASTUV. And then the following Sunday got to church and they
36:55
were like, were we just wanted to bless you. So here's a gift
37:00
and it covered the tigres on my wife's vehicle and I'm wait a minute,
37:04
you just you know. So there were just these things that that really made
37:07
me think that doing church work, as whatever type of leadership, that was
37:13
the most meaningful work. And so it was a little bit challenging when when
37:16
the creator called me out and said, you've learned all you can learn there.
37:22
You've deposited your you know, you've shared with them too. Now it's
37:24
time to move on. I don't understand that. But okay, so what
37:30
did you move on to? So I were right now. I currently serve
37:34
with a parachurch organization called Crew okay say for Christ but and it's the Native
37:39
arm of that. And I basically served through three different partnerships and one on
37:46
one with the Good Heart Community Center and Soul in North Dakota and the Standing
37:50
Rock Reservation. The other one with Staying Rock Young Life okay, you know,
37:54
and so volunteer and I'm really good with audio visual stuff, so and
38:00
then leading club talks and stuff like that, and so talking to the talking
38:04
to the youth, and then Hartview was the last one that showed up,
38:08
you know, two years ago and a friend told me said, did you
38:14
hear Pastor Tim? He's retiring And I'm like, no, you know what
38:17
he said something about retirement and I just told he was like, okay,
38:22
yeah, but he meant it of you. He's like, yeah, you
38:24
should get a hold of so and so and put your name in the hat.
38:28
So that's what I did. I was just I was already I think
38:32
I'd come maybe once in a great while to maybe do a spiritual lecture.
38:37
That's when Tim was there. Tim would be sitting in the realm. But
38:42
I put my name in the hat, and they're like, well, yeah,
38:45
we'd love to have you on board, couldn't you. You couldn't convince
38:50
me that the creator would would call me to hard view. And I was
38:55
just like, so, you're telling me he's gonna call me out of being
38:59
a staff pastor at a church and he's going to have me be a chaplain
39:01
at a local treatment No, there's no way that's how it shook out.
39:06
Yeah, yeah, definitely, it's It is by far one of the most
39:13
meaningful jobs I've ever had. That service. You know, I tell I
39:17
tell the I tell fellow addicts and alcoholics, and like the sweet spot is
39:22
service that actually you have to if you're going to hear anything. For me
39:27
is always the teaching that Jesus traditional name is Yohoshua said. He said give
39:32
and it will be given. What does that mean? That means that you
39:36
have to give your sobriety away and then you'll get it. They're like,
39:39
that doesn't even make any sense. I said, I know, it's one
39:44
of go look up paradoxes of AA and you're gonna find out what I just
39:47
talked about you. And so the fact that I get to talk about this,
39:54
this God that I've come to know true, you know, through this
39:59
being a doct into a Judeo Christian flavor, but then also finding out its
40:04
relatedness with my Da Kota heritage. My mother was full blood in dak Kota.
40:08
All my family is and among the system woped in Da Kota o Yati.
40:12
And so when I when I see these things and I talk about how
40:15
I'm processing through that, some of these individuals that are that are at heart
40:21
view, they're just like, you reminded me of a faith that I have
40:25
inside me that I just forgot about and so I tell people in the church
40:31
all the time. I'm like, I found faith. You know, They're
40:34
like, what do you mean you found faith? You know, I just
40:37
asked you what you've been up to. I said, I'm telling you what
40:38
I'm up to. I found faith. Oh yeah, okay, where I'll
40:42
bite, I said, harview. And then they kind of do that thing
40:46
where they either turn their body or they push away from the table or they
40:50
take a step back, like, oh, you just don't understand. You
40:55
just don't understand that he hung around the drunks. If he were on Earth
41:00
today, he would be hanging around the drunks and the addicts and the people
41:04
that are, you know, doing horrible things. He'd be hanging around them.
41:07
And so I get to I get to talk about the creator. I
41:12
mean, who gets to get who gets to do that? Yeah, for
41:15
several times during a week. So it's one of the highest honors. You
41:20
know, a guy that was a convicted felon, absent father, you know,
41:24
a drug addicted, alcoholic, a wife beater. I failed to mention
41:29
that we were both cheating on each other. I found out she was cheating
41:30
on me, and I was like, how dare you? And I got
41:34
to like hitting her with a closed fist like you'd fight a man. All
41:37
these things I said I wouldn't become. I became. Then he puts me
41:42
in a in a thing where I get to serve, and I get to
41:44
like because that's really what I'm doing. When Mother Teresa was asked, why
41:49
do you why do you wipe vomit off a leper's mouths? Why do you
41:53
do this work? And she said, Our Lord said that if you if
41:58
you give a cup of cold water to somebody who's theirs, and if you
42:00
serve the least of these, you're serving him. And so every time I'm
42:06
at Hartview, I'm serving my my chief, the headman Yohoshia, I'm serving
42:15
him. I'm serving the Creator. Even though our relatives might not think that
42:20
highly of themselves. I get to serve them and then tell them about him,
42:24
you know. And it's just been it's it's one of it is.
42:30
It is by far one of the most my highlights of the week. So
42:34
I get to do it at least several times. It's a highlight. That's
42:37
awesome. I love it. Yeah, I love that too. I'm a
42:39
little curious in how you ended up combining your native beliefs and culture with your
42:49
religious Christian Catholic culture. Yeah, most people are. And I think that
42:57
the best examples that I was given was my grandmother and my mother. So
43:01
my grandmother was a was a a staunch Catholic Roman Catholic, and there are
43:09
a lot of stories about quilting things and how my family, you know,
43:13
hung around the monks and the nuns of Blue Cloud Abbey and in South Dakota,
43:17
and she lived that way of life. She was she was a she
43:22
was a Catholic, you know, and she was respected and you know,
43:25
seen as a Catholic in the community. She uh, but she was also
43:30
traditional, meaning she she participated in the ceremonies and when our people were at
43:37
ceremonies, she was there. And so she walked in both of these worlds.
43:40
And I'm like what so I said possible. And then i remember my
43:45
mother and I'm like, she's doing the same thing. So my mother and
43:50
my grand or my grandmother and my mother are living this this reality out that
43:54
I can. I can be a follower of Yohoshua and still be Indian,
44:00
I could still be Dakota. And so for the past, I'd say over
44:07
ten years, I've been really trying to be intentional to figure out what that
44:12
looks like. So this coming weekend, I'll be traveling to Missoula, Montana
44:16
for a staff gathering, and I'll be presenting on the regalia of God.
44:22
It's a playoff of the armor God in the Book of Ephesians. And so
44:25
for each piece that I put on, which i'll put a headdress on the
44:30
helmet of Salvation, it'll be me talking about how in Christian circles I call
44:36
it contextualization, and so I'll be saying, you know, we have this
44:39
teaching that we got from a tribal people, and Christianity came from that.
44:46
But I want to talk to you about this here and this is how it
44:50
applies to my people. It reminds me of my people. So God is
44:53
using my mother's you know, my mother's tribe to show me the relatedness between
44:59
this tribal tribal Israel, the twelve tribes of Israel, and their connection to
45:04
a tribal people here in North America, the indigenous people of all the way
45:08
up into Canada, all the way into So I've been doing that. One
45:14
of the things that that has surprised me the most is like I was,
45:19
I was probably one of the most I was probably one of the worst critics
45:23
out there when it came to using incense and sage and grass and stuff.
45:30
And it's just like the Creator does, say not so fast. And so
45:34
he started showing me the use of the use of incense among his Hebrew people.
45:39
Yes, that was one. That was. That was when Zachariah got
45:44
found out that he and Elizabeth were gonna have the John the Baptist, They're
45:49
gonna have a son. Yeah, he was offering incense. So I'm like,
45:53
ah, and then I remember the Catholics use it, the Orthodox use
45:57
it, the Lutherans use it, and now nowadays some some Protestant churches besides
46:02
just the Lutherans are using it. And so I put in an in depth
46:06
study and I started, I'm like, my grandmother was right, my mother
46:12
was right. So long story short was my It was my mother and my
46:15
grandmother that showed me that it was it was possible to live in two worlds.
46:17
And so I've been trying to figure and walk that way and it'll be
46:22
respectful in both worlds. So yeah, it's very interesting and very cool.
46:27
Yeah, it's been a journey for sure. I'm sure we could talk all
46:30
day about all this, and I have more questions when we're not on air
46:35
anymore. But if there's anyone out there currently who is struggling and in the
46:42
depths of their darkness, what's something you would tell them that the Creator.
46:49
That's so we as Dakota don't have a we're we call him something sacred in
46:59
Movements to Creation, it's holy. It's sacred that that entity and that being
47:05
is always devising, means for you and I to be connected to him in
47:09
relationship, and so even in your darkness, he can be a light.
47:15
And the cool thing about the cool thing about Creator is that he and Yohoshwa
47:22
says this. He says, a bruised read he will not break, and
47:28
a smoldering wick he will not extinguish. That's all of us in addiction,
47:32
in alcoholism and drug addiction, we feel like we're just ready to go out
47:37
and we're just going to fizzle out and then just that little smoke is going
47:40
to rise. But that's not how I've come to know the Creator. The
47:45
Creator loves you and he's always coming up with plans with the spiritual realm to
47:50
bring you to himself. And so like right now, wherever you're at,
47:52
wherever you're listening to this, there's a council happening and they're coming up with
47:58
plans to get you to treatment, to get you connected to another person.
48:01
It might be a family member, it might be a po it might be
48:06
somebody. But they're going to say you need to go to hertfew, you
48:08
need to go to treatment. Take that as the Creator devising means by which
48:14
to bring you home to himself. So there is never a hopeless case.
48:19
As long as you have breath in your lungs, the Creator is going to
48:22
move and he's going to devise means to bring you back to himself. He's
48:28
crazy about you. And as one of the people that has experienced his love,
48:32
his love, I can say, as an eyewitness, as somebody that's
48:36
experienced it, that it is real. And if you give it a chance
48:39
and put the faith that you put into the drug into this unseen being,
48:44
I think you're going to be pleasantly surprised. Thank you for that, and
48:46
thank you for being with us today. I really appreciate it an honor and
48:50
privilege. Thank you, School, School,