Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / When “I Don’t Want To” Is Really “I’m Scared”

Transcript

When “I Don’t Want To” Is Really “I’m Scared” · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:06
  Speaker 1: This is the Happy Family Podcast. It's a Friday.
• 0:08
  Speaker 2: It's the twentieth of feb and that means that it's
• 0:11
  Speaker 2: time for us to get introspective look at what's working
• 0:13
  Speaker 2: and what's not working in our family so that we
• 0:15
  Speaker 2: can help your family to be happier. It's called O'll
• 0:17
  Speaker 2: do Better Tomorrow. We do it every Friday in the
• 0:20
  Speaker 2: pod and we're going to get very personal next. Good
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: a welcome for the Happy Families podcast, for Australia's most
• 0:28
  Speaker 2: downloaded parenting podcast, where we give you real parenting.
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: Solutions every single day.
• 0:32
  Speaker 2: We are justin and Kylie Colson and Kylie cannot stop
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: singing this song since last week Sez.
• 0:39
  Speaker 3: Come this busy place.
• 1:09
  Speaker 4: Really, I had no idea that it was a whole
• 1:17
  Speaker 4: song and he played that tiny little excerpt last week
• 1:21
  Speaker 4: and I honestly we've been dancing in the kitchen the kids.
• 1:25
  Speaker 4: The kids love it.
• 1:26
  Speaker 5: As soon as they heard it, the very first thing
• 1:28
  Speaker 5: they said was can we.
• 1:29
  Speaker 4: Download this off Spotify?
• 1:31
  Speaker 6: Yeah?
• 1:31
  Speaker 2: That's so far like this is actually so a huge
• 1:35
  Speaker 2: thank you to j R. For being so so clever.
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: Isn't it amazing what you can do with technology?
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: To amazing? So amazing and it has become.
• 1:43
  Speaker 5: Our I fully thought he was just going to pick
• 1:45
  Speaker 5: a random song and that was going to be it.
• 1:47
  Speaker 2: If we can get it onto Spotify, it's going to
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: be number one. And now Spotify wrapped in December. That's guaranteed.
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: So good and the kids, the kids have memorized it.
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: They think it's fantastic and so you're awesome. So at
• 1:59
  Speaker 2: the risk of going too far into podcast world and
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: going behind the curtain, we try to avoid this because
• 2:05
  Speaker 2: Kylie absolutely absolutely hates doing it. But every now and
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: again we will have to set something up before it's
• 2:11
  Speaker 2: actually being done. And that comment that Kylie made last week,
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: I think I need my own theme song. I just
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: ran with it and I said, well, I reckon, jay
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: I can do something. And then Kylie was like, well,
• 2:20
  Speaker 2: what do you do now? And I said, well, just
• 2:22
  Speaker 2: pretend that jay I did something and come out of
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: the back and go that's really cool.
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: And so Kylie said, that's really cool and we.
• 2:27
  Speaker 5: Moved on and I was totally lame because that was amazing.
• 2:31
  Speaker 2: So there's the real reaction, and this thing has gone
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: off all week in our home. It's the only song
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: that anybody wants to listen to the kids are singing it.
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: Our son in law is singing it. He's sharing it
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: with his neighbors, like it's gone everywhere.
• 2:44
  Speaker 5: And just so we're very clear, that was actually not
• 2:48
  Speaker 5: your Valentine's President to me, in spite of the fact
• 2:51
  Speaker 5: you wanted to claim it.
• 2:52
  Speaker 4: This was Jr's.
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: I'm claiming it all Jr's Kylie, All right, Kylie, it's
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: I be about it tomorrow.
• 3:02
  Speaker 2: Every Friday week pick behind the curtain of our lives
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: and we talked about what's working and what's not so
• 3:06
  Speaker 2: that other people can, I don't know, pick up on
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: our mistakes or our expertise and make their families happier.
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: You're up first today.
• 3:15
  Speaker 5: Last year, we had Emily enrolled in just a social
• 3:18
  Speaker 5: surfing lesson with a couple of other homeschool families, and
• 3:22
  Speaker 5: her teacher kept coming to me and letting me know
• 3:25
  Speaker 5: that she was actually doing really, really well and that
• 3:28
  Speaker 5: he couldn't cater for her level in the class she
• 3:32
  Speaker 5: was in because there's just such a wide range of
• 3:35
  Speaker 5: ages and abilities, and so he recommended that she started
• 3:39
  Speaker 5: the six am class, which is the grom one class,
• 3:43
  Speaker 5: and she was not happy. I'm not wanted to do it.
• 3:47
  Speaker 5: Number one, she didn't want to get up early. But
• 3:48
  Speaker 5: number two, well.
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: It's a five point thirty wake up to be at
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: the beach at five forty five so that you can
• 3:53
  Speaker 2: be in the water at six.
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: It's pretty hardcore for an eleven year old kid.
• 3:59
  Speaker 5: And so she was adamant she was not going to
• 4:01
  Speaker 5: go ahead with it. And she has a couple of
• 4:03
  Speaker 5: friends in that class and they were encouraged to do
• 4:05
  Speaker 5: the same thing, and they didn't want to do it either.
• 4:07
  Speaker 5: And finally, we kind of were trying to rebook for
• 4:11
  Speaker 5: the beginning of this year, and he reiterated to us
• 4:15
  Speaker 5: again that would be really good to put them into
• 4:17
  Speaker 5: an earlier class. And I talked to Emily about it,
• 4:20
  Speaker 5: and Emily really didn't want to do it, and finally
• 4:22
  Speaker 5: I just said to her, I said, look, I said,
• 4:25
  Speaker 5: body's actually suggesting that you are really good at this
• 4:29
  Speaker 5: and you could get better at it if you were
• 4:31
  Speaker 5: in the right class. Do you think that maybe we
• 4:33
  Speaker 5: could just try one? I said, we don't have to
• 4:36
  Speaker 5: book in for the term. You can just go along
• 4:38
  Speaker 5: and just give it a go. If you don't like it,
• 4:40
  Speaker 5: we'll go back to social surfing. Because I don't care
• 4:42
  Speaker 5: if you're great or not. I just want you to
• 4:44
  Speaker 5: enjoy it. But your teacher's telling me that he can't
• 4:48
  Speaker 5: give you what you need in that class. So she
• 4:51
  Speaker 5: actually looked at me and she said, yeah, okay, I'll
• 4:53
  Speaker 5: give it one go, but if I don't like it,
• 4:55
  Speaker 5: I'm going back to that class.
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: A bitter resistance.
• 4:57
  Speaker 5: Yeah, And the morning of I thought there was no
• 5:00
  Speaker 5: way she's not going to get up. She bounced out
• 5:03
  Speaker 5: of bed, she got dressed, we got down there. She
• 5:06
  Speaker 5: was really apprehensive. She was really apprehensive, and I started
• 5:09
  Speaker 5: to realize that a bit of her pushback was not
• 5:12
  Speaker 5: actually about the time slot. It was about feeling like
• 5:18
  Speaker 5: she wasn't competent, that she was going to be feeling
• 5:20
  Speaker 5: adequate in the water. And I was just watching her
• 5:23
  Speaker 5: like just you know, a little bit stand or fish
• 5:25
  Speaker 5: and a little bit shy. And the next thing, her
• 5:28
  Speaker 5: friends showed up. She had no idea they were coming,
• 5:30
  Speaker 5: and they showed up, and all of a sudden everything changed.
• 5:34
  Speaker 5: They got down to the water, they've got a new teacher,
• 5:36
  Speaker 5: and every Friday morning we jump out of bed at
• 5:41
  Speaker 5: five thirty am. And it's dark now, like it's still summer.
• 5:45
  Speaker 5: But it's still quite dark, and she heads down there
• 5:48
  Speaker 5: and she's doing amazing. And what I loved about this,
• 5:53
  Speaker 5: just this little experience with her, was that sometimes our kids'
• 5:58
  Speaker 5: trepidation is more about their feeling and competent or their
• 6:02
  Speaker 5: anxiety around a new setting, and less to do with
• 6:06
  Speaker 5: the activity itself. And if we can just give them
• 6:09
  Speaker 5: a soft entry point, not make them feel like they're
• 6:12
  Speaker 5: committing to something that just feels so overwhelming in the moment,
• 6:16
  Speaker 5: that we're going to have a much better outcome for everybody.
• 6:19
  Speaker 5: And I, yeah, it's been great, and I'm kind of
• 6:23
  Speaker 5: kicking myself. How So I've never really wanted to be
• 6:27
  Speaker 5: the mum that sits on the beach.
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 6:30
  Speaker 5: Can I tell you six am Friday morning is my
• 6:32
  Speaker 5: favorite one of the week. I really hope she keeps
• 6:37
  Speaker 5: us up because I am just loving that one hour
• 6:40
  Speaker 5: of calm in the morning.
• 6:43
  Speaker 2: I'll ask you how you feel about that when it's
• 6:44
  Speaker 2: stormy and and it's.
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: Old and it's autumnal winter.
• 6:50
  Speaker 2: A couple of quick things that I pick up when
• 6:52
  Speaker 2: you share that. The first is the importance of relationships.
• 6:55
  Speaker 2: So the fact that she's got a couple of friends
• 6:56
  Speaker 2: who are in the class game changer. The second thing is,
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: as you highlighted already, our children want to feel like
• 7:05
  Speaker 2: they are capable and competent. The idea that they might
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: show up and look dumb is really paralyzing for them
• 7:13
  Speaker 2: and it can really stymy their development because for.
• 7:16
  Speaker 5: Us, we see that stepping up as progress, you know,
• 7:20
  Speaker 5: where the adult and we're paying money for them to improve, and.
• 7:23
  Speaker 4: So we go, yay, this is so exciting.
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: You're progressing, and they go, oh, no, now I'm going
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: to look dumb.
• 7:28
  Speaker 5: Yes, I'm going to be at the bottom the ladder
• 7:31
  Speaker 5: instead of the top.
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it feels really hard.
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: So again, when you think about all the stuff that
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: forms the foundation of what we talk about on the
• 7:38
  Speaker 2: pod and in my books, children need to feel a
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: sense of capability, capacity, competence. They want to be able
• 7:44
  Speaker 2: to progress and master, but they don't like looking dumb.
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: Really.
• 7:48
  Speaker 5: They also need that sense of autonomy though.
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: They want to be able to choose for themselves, and
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: they really really really do well with their friends around them.
• 7:55
  Speaker 2: So when they're young, the best way to support their
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: growth development is to have them doing activities with people
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: that they like at a level where they're progressing, but
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: they feel like they're actually going okay ish, So we
• 8:10
  Speaker 2: want to There's this thing called the zone of proximal development,
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: and we want to have them just on that edge.
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: It's not too hard, it's not too easy, too easy,
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: it's boring too hard they give up. Just getting that
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: level right is so vitally important. And mornings on the
• 8:25
  Speaker 2: beach are pretty nice.
• 8:26
  Speaker 3: Aren't they.
• 8:27
  Speaker 2: Up next, My biggest learning from the last week, it's
• 8:30
  Speaker 2: The Happy Family's podcast. Stay with us.
• 8:40
  Speaker 6: The Magazon, the house is allowed, She's still fund a
• 8:43
  Speaker 6: gem tarking home, Sad had do a crack.
• 8:51
  Speaker 3: Screen on a phone.
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: We're back. This is The Happy Families Podcasts.
• 8:57
  Speaker 2: If you're enjoying the pod and you feel like it
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: makes a difference in your family, please share it with
• 9:01
  Speaker 2: the people around you. It makes such a difference. And
• 9:04
  Speaker 2: if you want to give us a five star rating
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: and review, we won't say no to that. It helps
• 9:07
  Speaker 2: people discover the podcast to make their families happy, and
• 9:10
  Speaker 2: that's why we're here, all right, kylie My, i'lder better tomorrow.
• 9:13
  Speaker 2: Bit of a tough one for me because I've been
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: gone all week. I've been in Sydney.
• 9:17
  Speaker 5: It's a bit of an age old story when it
• 9:18
  Speaker 5: comes to you, isn't that.
• 9:19
  Speaker 2: This is what happens, this is the life that we've chosen.
• 9:22
  Speaker 2: It's really I'm kind of like the I'm kind of
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: like the builder who has about fifteen unfinished projects around
• 9:28
  Speaker 2: his house. I'm the parenting expert who is not home
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: often enough to be really well. I'm really good at
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: telling people what they should do. It's just that I
• 9:36
  Speaker 2: don't often have the opportunity to practice at myself. So
• 9:39
  Speaker 2: this week I spent some time at North Home Grammar
• 9:41
  Speaker 2: in Sydney's Northwest. On Monday, I was at inner Borough
• 9:44
  Speaker 2: School in Sydney's South On Tuesday, I was at Penrith
• 9:48
  Speaker 2: Anglican on Wednesday. On Thursday I was at Thomas Hassel
• 9:51
  Speaker 2: in the southwest of Sydney, and then on Friday I
• 9:54
  Speaker 2: did a corporate event for a big accountancy firm in
• 9:56
  Speaker 2: Sydney as well, with a magnificent venue at the rocks
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: under the the bridge, looking out of the water and
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: just thinking I've got the best job in the world.
• 10:03
  Speaker 5: Meantime, I was in the kitchen and then the laundry.
• 10:06
  Speaker 5: I was out at the washing line. Back in the kitchen, I.
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: Found a really good restaurant.
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: Sorry ah, anyway, so I'll do better tomorrow is twofold.
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: First off, last Friday, I was home and I got
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: to sit on the beach with you for.
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: That hour, and I thought, we need more of this
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: in our lives. Everyone.
• 10:26
  Speaker 2: If it's not just you and I, but every parent
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: needs a quiet hour where they're not distracted by phones
• 10:31
  Speaker 2: and screens. They're not distracted by the washing line or
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: the dishwasher or the kitchen sink. They're not distracted by anything.
• 10:37
  Speaker 2: They're literally just in place, present and enjoying a natural
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: environment while they watch their children thrive and flourish and
• 10:46
  Speaker 2: have fun. To me, that is the essence of what it's.
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: That's the whole shooting match, and we just keep on
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: missing it. In COVID, everyone said we're going to slow down.
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: This is how it's supposed to be. It feels really nice.
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: I feel like we're getting back to what family life
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: is because we're all at home and we're having this
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: time together, and we have completely forgotten any lessons that
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: COVID taught us. When it comes to that, we're all
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: running around from pillar to post. The pressure is on.
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: There is way too much happening and Kylie. It's not
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: good for our kids, it's not good for our families.
• 11:17
  Speaker 2: It's a really, really, really hard thing. And as I
• 11:19
  Speaker 2: sat there on the beach beside you, when we watched
• 11:21
  Speaker 2: Emily surf on Friday morning, I just thought more of
• 11:24
  Speaker 2: this police and then I got on a plane and
• 11:26
  Speaker 2: went away for a week. So my older better tomorrow
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: is to the extent that your schedule allows it, because
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: we all have difficulties with our schedules. We've all got
• 11:35
  Speaker 2: early starts or fly and fly out work, or travel commitments,
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: or late night meetings or work that has to be
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: done after dinner. Because life is like that sometimes, like
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: we're all doing our stuff, or sometimes we're single parents
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: or going through a relationship breakdown and nothing is working.
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: Find those small moments, even if it's sitting on the
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: back deck with a kappa and looking at the trees
• 11:58
  Speaker 2: or looking at the clouds, lay on the trampoline with
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: the kids. Those moments matter. Slowing it down is I
• 12:05
  Speaker 2: think part of the key to a rich.
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: Rich life.
• 12:09
  Speaker 2: That's my alder bed it tomorrow. It's all I've got,
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: But I will be back. I'm home almost all this
• 12:14
  Speaker 2: coming week, so I'll have a really great, older better
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: tomorrow that shows that I remember my children's names and
• 12:19
  Speaker 2: spend time with them.
• 12:19
  Speaker 5: Next week, I can't wait to hear.
• 12:22
  Speaker 2: The Happy Family's podcast is produced by Justin Roland from
• 12:25
  Speaker 2: Bridge Media.
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: Justin, we love your work.
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: Mim Habits provides research, admin and other support. Have a
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: great weekend, everyone, and for more info about making your
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: family happier.
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: Visit us at Happy families dot com dot.
• 12:37
  Speaker 6: Au Jeus Cai Cauri Coulson turning kaoson to Grace Building
• 12:48
  Speaker 6: has one big busy please.
• 13:00
  Speaker 3: You two sideling stuff. She said you're already loved just
• 13:09
  Speaker 6: A yeah, and they believe her in their hearts