Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #647 Parenting Advice From a Two Time CEO Mum

Transcript

#647 Parenting Advice From a Two Time CEO Mum · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:03
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
0:07
Speaker 1: time poor parent who just once answers.
0:10
Speaker 2: Now she says, and I quote. There were many unpopular
0:13
Speaker 2: parenting rules I followed as a young mother, but my
0:15
Speaker 2: number one was don't do anything for your kids that
0:18
Speaker 2: they can do for themselves. Now I chafe a little
0:20
Speaker 2: bit at that.
0:21
Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mom
0:25
Speaker 1: and dad.
0:25
Speaker 3: Is it beginning to feel a lot like Christmas?
0:27
Speaker 2: It's been feeling like Christmas for weeks because of your
0:31
Speaker 2: Christmas extra ness. So in the Happy Family's House over
0:35
Speaker 2: the top day, our last house was a lot bigger
0:39
Speaker 2: than the house we're in now. In moving to the beach,
0:41
Speaker 2: we lost more than fifty percent of our house. We
0:45
Speaker 2: moved from a house that was pretty big in Brisbane
0:47
Speaker 2: to a house that's less than half of what we
0:49
Speaker 2: used to have. But because we had such a big
0:51
Speaker 2: house in Brisbane, you bought a second Christmas tree. You
0:54
Speaker 2: had a Christmas tree in the family room and a
0:57
Speaker 2: Christmas tree in the lange room. And even then it
1:00
Speaker 2: still didn't really feel like Christmas.
1:02
Speaker 3: There were just these so it was these tiny little pockets.
1:05
Speaker 2: There were nice and green and decorated, but now the
1:08
Speaker 2: same amount of decorations has completely overwhelmed our tiny little
1:12
Speaker 2: beach shadow. I say that it was just it's greenery
1:16
Speaker 2: and Christmas lights and it's everywhere. It's feeling like Christmas,
1:20
Speaker 2: and our kids have been allowing us for the last
1:22
Speaker 2: couple of weeks to get some Christmas carols happening. You know,
1:26
Speaker 2: my favorite Christmas carol I love listening to. This one
1:29
Speaker 2: is in terms of modern Christmas carols, there's a song
1:32
Speaker 2: called God Rescu Merry Gentleman, and a group that used
1:36
Speaker 2: to be around back in the late nineteen nineties when
1:38
Speaker 2: I was on the radio, a group called the Bannaked Ladies.
1:40
Speaker 2: They're a Canadian group and they're joined up with Sarah
1:42
Speaker 2: McLaughlin and they've done God Rescu Merry Gentlemen. It's my favorite.
1:47
Speaker 2: I have it on repeat. You've noticed I'm singing it
1:49
Speaker 2: all the time. The kids know this song now because
1:51
Speaker 2: it's my favorite Christmas song and that can carry all
1:54
Speaker 2: the belt scarred rests Jim marry gentlemen. But nothing you dismay.
1:59
Speaker 2: So yes, beginning to feel a lot like Christmas.
2:02
Speaker 3: Well, I'm also a bit excited because we actually booked
2:05
Speaker 3: in our very first Christmas street birth.
2:09
Speaker 2: Party, Christmas street party. It sounded like you said Christmas
2:12
Speaker 2: strip party to me. I just wanted to be clear
2:14
Speaker 2: that you said Christmas street party.
2:17
Speaker 3: It was a street party, and you came up with
2:21
Speaker 3: a brilliant idea to actually do it on the twenty
2:23
Speaker 3: third of December. I thought you were crazy.
2:25
Speaker 2: Yeah, we've literally had one. The whole neighborhood has said
2:29
Speaker 2: we're in Yeah. Yeah. So on Friday the twenty third,
2:32
Speaker 2: it's a street party in our street for our street neighbors.
2:37
Speaker 2: Just letting you know. But what we're trying to do
2:39
Speaker 2: in our family and in our community, in our street
2:42
Speaker 2: is build a sense of belonging, a sense of mattering,
2:45
Speaker 2: a sense that we notice you when you're here, and
2:47
Speaker 2: we notice when you're not here and we miss you.
2:50
Speaker 2: So we've had a big Halloween. We also did a
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Speaker 2: big neighborhood breakfast and we had like fifty neighbors in
2:56
Speaker 2: our yard. And now the Christmas party is going to
2:59
Speaker 2: be in our yard as well, and I'm super excited
3:01
Speaker 2: for that, like a couple of weeks away, and I'm
3:05
Speaker 2: really really excited that we're creating these relationships the neighborhood
3:09
Speaker 2: feels so good when we invite people to be a
3:12
Speaker 2: part of our lives. And I think when I look
3:16
Speaker 2: at the conversations, the emails that come through to podcasts
3:19
Speaker 2: at happy Families dot com dot au, the questions that
3:22
Speaker 2: people ask so often, people are saying, I feel osclated.
3:24
Speaker 2: I feel like I'm doing it on my own. It's hard.
3:27
Speaker 2: This is hard. It's hard for us to do Halloween
3:29
Speaker 2: because we don't really care about it at all. It's
3:31
Speaker 2: hard to wake up on a Saturday morning and have
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Speaker 2: fifty neighbors show up at seven thirty. It's actually really
3:36
Speaker 2: hard to put on a Christmas party for the neighborhood.
3:38
Speaker 2: And yes it's potluck and people are bringing stuff and
3:41
Speaker 2: so on, but we've still got to do the organization.
3:43
Speaker 2: We've still got to facilitate it, and we've got to
3:44
Speaker 2: do the cleanup that night or the next morning.
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Speaker 3: Well, and the reality is when we had everyone over
3:48
Speaker 3: for the breakfast, they all talked about the fact that
3:51
Speaker 3: they'd love to do a Christmas party, but nobody wanted
3:53
Speaker 3: to take it on.
3:54
Speaker 2: So there is this there's an appetite well, and.
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Speaker 3: There's an acknowledgment that they want these things, but so
4:01
Speaker 3: often we sit back and wait for somebody else to
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Speaker 3: do it, and yet our lives are lacking as a result.
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Speaker 3: So yeah, this is just something that we're going to
4:09
Speaker 3: do and I'm really excited about it. And you know
4:11
Speaker 3: the reality is I could actually take it all on
4:14
Speaker 3: and just do it all but I've decided that I'm
4:16
Speaker 3: not going to do that because you actually build community
4:19
Speaker 3: as you work together.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, as you serve each other. Yeah.
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Speaker 3: So I've got a handful of women who've all you
4:24
Speaker 3: asked if they can be helpful, and I'm going to
4:27
Speaker 3: take them.
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Speaker 2: Up on it too, right, can't wait? The podcast episode
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Speaker 2: that we're going to dive into today is not actually
4:33
Speaker 2: about Christmas parties, but you started it by asking if
4:35
Speaker 2: it was feeling Christmasy and we've gone on like a
4:37
Speaker 2: like a three minute tangent, Missus Colson.
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Speaker 3: So well, it is almost December and everyone then can
4:42
Speaker 3: technically be excited about Christmas?
4:44
Speaker 2: Okay, fair, Cal. I want to dive into an article
4:47
Speaker 2: that I found online. This is at the CNBC dot
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Speaker 2: com website, and the articles written by somebody called Esther
4:54
Speaker 2: We're CHICKI so I haven't heard of Esther Wood Chicki before,
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Speaker 2: but she has a pretty tidy bi line. She's done
5:00
Speaker 2: some pretty cool stuff esther where. Chicki is an educator, journalist,
5:04
Speaker 2: and best selling author of How to Raise Successful People.
5:06
Speaker 2: She's also the co founder of tract dot app and
5:10
Speaker 2: the chief pairing officer at sesh. So you can find
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Speaker 2: her on socials and we'll link to this article from CNBC.
5:17
Speaker 2: But I want to sort of pull a few things
5:19
Speaker 2: apart here and talk about them because the principles she's
5:22
Speaker 2: talking about are so valuable for any parent who wants
5:24
Speaker 2: their kids to do well in life. And I'm pretty
5:27
Speaker 2: sure that's like ninety nine point nine to nine percent
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Speaker 2: of parents that say, yes, I want my kids to
5:30
Speaker 2: do well in life.
5:31
Speaker 3: Because of the name of the article, you're a little
5:34
Speaker 3: bit up in arms, and you thought we were going
5:36
Speaker 3: to be having a pretty big debate.
5:39
Speaker 2: But I read the article and I thought, oh, it's
5:40
Speaker 2: not so bad.
5:41
Speaker 3: Her articles called I raised two successful CEOs and a doctor.
5:46
Speaker 3: Here's the unpopular pairenting rule I always used on my kids.
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Speaker 2: So I read that title and I'm like, what makes
5:53
Speaker 2: people think that we're aspiring to raise CEOs and doctors?
5:56
Speaker 2: Like I want my kids to grow up to be
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Speaker 2: who they want to be, who they're meant to be.
6:01
Speaker 2: I want them to follow their energy, to experiment and
6:04
Speaker 2: have range and breadth before they get depth. I'm not
6:08
Speaker 2: interested in raising CEOs and doctors unless they're interested in
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Speaker 2: being CEOs and doctors, and then I want to facilitate
6:14
Speaker 2: their pathways. So I got kind of cranky about the title.
6:18
Speaker 2: You kind of did, I did, But then I started
6:19
Speaker 2: to read and I thought, there's some stuff here that's
6:21
Speaker 2: worth talking about, just to highlight. This is what she says,
6:24
Speaker 2: and I quote, what's her number one rule? She says,
6:27
Speaker 2: and I quote There were many unpopular pairing rules I
6:29
Speaker 2: followed as a young mother, but my number one was
6:32
Speaker 2: don't do anything for your kids that they can do
6:35
Speaker 2: for themselves. Now I chafe a little bit at that,
6:38
Speaker 2: because our children are capable of doing all kinds of
6:41
Speaker 2: things at the right time when things are working out,
6:46
Speaker 2: Like they're capable of cleaning their room, But if the
6:47
Speaker 2: room is way too messy, or if it's late at
6:51
Speaker 2: night and they're tired, or if they're hungry, or I mean,
6:55
Speaker 2: we can come up with all sorts of reasons. Sometimes
6:57
Speaker 2: they actually can't, even though most of the time they can,
7:01
Speaker 2: And I just I just want to acknowledge that there's
7:03
Speaker 2: a little bit of dray in this rule. It's not
7:05
Speaker 2: a hard and fast.
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Speaker 3: Well, and I think that's the hard thing. When you're
7:08
Speaker 3: reading the written word, you're not actually having a conversation,
7:10
Speaker 3: so you don't have all the context. You don't know,
7:13
Speaker 3: but you know, based on what's on paper, it could
7:16
Speaker 3: feel like you're taking a really hard line.
7:19
Speaker 2: Yeah, you can do that.
7:19
Speaker 3: I'm not doing that.
7:21
Speaker 2: It's not my job. Hie up your shoes because we
7:23
Speaker 2: need to get in the car. We're going to be
7:24
Speaker 2: late for school. But if you've got a child who's overwhelmed,
7:26
Speaker 2: just had a really big anxiety riven morning, maybe they
7:30
Speaker 2: can most of the time, but this morning, the actually can't.
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Speaker 3: So well, I've got children who are all capable of
7:35
Speaker 3: making their school lunch.
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Speaker 2: We have children. I just want to put that out there.
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Speaker 3: You play a small part, all right, but the reality
7:45
Speaker 3: is there are some days that if I do not
7:47
Speaker 3: get in the kitchen yeah and get those lunches made,
7:49
Speaker 3: we don't get to school on time.
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Speaker 2: Yeah.
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Speaker 3: So I think we just need to put that into context.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, okay, great, So what she says, then, is that
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Speaker 2: worked out for my daughters? All three to be highly successful?
8:01
Speaker 2: Susan is the CEO of YouTube, Janet is a doctor,
8:05
Speaker 2: and Anne is the co founder and CEO of twenty
8:09
Speaker 2: three and meter. So she's done alright with those kids.
8:14
Speaker 2: That is pretty She's got some bragging rides. The next
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Speaker 2: part I thought, MEH, not so exciting, but I'm going
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Speaker 2: to read it anyway. She says parents need to stop
8:24
Speaker 2: coddling their kids. The more you trust your child to
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Speaker 2: do things on their own, the more empowered they'll be.
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Speaker 2: Totally on board with that, and I love the word trust.
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Speaker 2: Got to trust that our kids are going to develop
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Speaker 2: if we give them the space and stop coddling them,
8:36
Speaker 2: stop trying to do it or for them, stop trying
8:38
Speaker 2: to smooth the path for them. Let them navigate the
8:40
Speaker 2: rocky path and trust trust that they can. But then
8:44
Speaker 2: she talks about this with some simple ideas. Waking up,
8:47
Speaker 2: have them set their own alarm, getting dressed, let them
8:50
Speaker 2: pick their own outfit, breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Give them
8:52
Speaker 2: simple tasks like stirring the pancake batter, cleaning their lunch
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Speaker 2: box and setting the table, getting their backpack ready. Have them,
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Speaker 2: run through a list what they need to bring that day,
9:01
Speaker 2: making plans, let them come up with weekend or after
9:03
Speaker 2: school activities, checking homework or you know how I feel
9:05
Speaker 2: about homework. And then she says, chores are really important.
9:08
Speaker 2: You got to make sure the kids are doing their chores,
9:10
Speaker 2: and she talks about how to do that. So it
9:12
Speaker 2: was fine. There's nothing offensive about that. It was just fine.
9:15
Speaker 2: But the thing that really caught me was the section
9:18
Speaker 2: about perfection. And this is what I love, because when
9:22
Speaker 2: we get caught up in the quality about kids' efforts,
9:27
Speaker 2: then they start to get caught up in that as well,
9:30
Speaker 2: and they don't tend to do as well. So let
9:32
Speaker 2: me read this. She said, I expected my daughters to
9:35
Speaker 2: make their own beds every morning.
9:37
Speaker 1: Ha.
9:38
Speaker 2: A bed made by a kid can look like she's
9:40
Speaker 2: still asleep in it. But I didn't fight them. As
9:43
Speaker 2: long as they did it, I was happy.
9:47
Speaker 3: So I'm not gonna lie. This is not a strong
9:49
Speaker 3: point of mine at all.
9:51
Speaker 2: You don't like this bit at all, But for years
9:53
Speaker 2: and years I've always said to the kids, just make
9:56
Speaker 2: the bed. I don't care how you make it. Just
9:58
Speaker 2: make it. We'll come back and fix it later. If
10:00
Speaker 2: we need to, but we just want you to make it.
10:02
Speaker 2: We want you to learn the skill of making it.
10:04
Speaker 2: And this is what Esther adds to this idea. She says,
10:08
Speaker 2: mastery means doing something as many times as it takes
10:12
Speaker 2: to get it right. Being a writing teacher taught me this.
10:16
Speaker 2: In the eighties and nineties, one of the supposed characteristics
10:18
Speaker 2: of a good teacher was that your class was so
10:20
Speaker 2: hard that many students failed. And I remember those days.
10:24
Speaker 2: In fact, being a university lecturer, I remember there was
10:26
Speaker 2: an expectation that there was going to be a rating
10:29
Speaker 2: on a bell curve and grading on a bell curve,
10:30
Speaker 2: and there was supposed to be kids that were failing.
10:33
Speaker 2: And I always had a problem with that. And here's
10:34
Speaker 2: what she says. The kids who got a D on
10:37
Speaker 2: their first paper found it impossible to recover and they
10:41
Speaker 2: lost the motivation to improve since they were starting out
10:44
Speaker 2: so far behind. So I gave them the opportunity to
10:47
Speaker 2: revise their work as many times as they wanted. Their
10:50
Speaker 2: grade was based on the final product, and when it
10:53
Speaker 2: came time for testing, my students performed in the ninetieth
10:56
Speaker 2: percentile on set exams.
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Speaker 3: So you've shared a story about another teacher who did
11:00
Speaker 3: something similar, and I love that idea. The reality is,
11:04
Speaker 3: in the real world, there are not many teachers.
11:06
Speaker 2: Who do that. No, but I mean, this is a
11:09
Speaker 2: big conversation about the education system. But are you there
11:12
Speaker 2: to teach so that kids can get a grade or
11:14
Speaker 2: are you there to teach so that kids can understand
11:15
Speaker 2: the material?
11:16
Speaker 1: Oh?
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Speaker 3: Totally. I love it because the reality is, even in
11:19
Speaker 3: the conversations that you've shared about your days at university
11:22
Speaker 3: as a as a lecturer and a tutor, even though
11:27
Speaker 3: you were your help was on offer, no one took
11:31
Speaker 3: it up.
11:32
Speaker 1: Yeah.
11:32
Speaker 2: Yeah, because I was so worried about the grade, and
11:34
Speaker 2: I kept on saying, no, no, if I work with you,
11:35
Speaker 2: if you come to me, I'll read as many drafts,
11:37
Speaker 2: I'll give you as much feedback because I want everyone
11:40
Speaker 2: to get a high distinction. But they didn't want to
11:43
Speaker 2: take me up on it. Well, well, for any number
11:45
Speaker 2: of reasons. But what I love here is and Michael Nducleff,
11:50
Speaker 2: she talked about it in our last summit, the Happy
11:52
Speaker 2: Families Hot the summit. She wrote about it in a
11:53
Speaker 2: hunt gathered parent and that is when parents simply invite
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Speaker 2: their children into their space and ask them to participate
12:01
Speaker 2: with them in whatever they're doing, regardless of the quality
12:03
Speaker 2: of the work. The kids are there, they're feeling a
12:06
Speaker 2: sense of belonging. They're developing competence, but it happens slowly
12:09
Speaker 2: over time, and they're choosing to be there, They're not
12:12
Speaker 2: being forced to be there. It's like the story that
12:14
Speaker 2: I shared on the podcast a couple of months ago
12:15
Speaker 2: when I was outreking the leaves.
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Speaker 3: But I actually don't think it's about building. It's so building.
12:20
Speaker 3: Competence obviously is a byproduct of what you're doing, but
12:23
Speaker 3: what's actually happening is the relationship is being nurtured.
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Speaker 2: As the relationships nurtured, the kids feel safe to make
12:29
Speaker 2: mistakes and to do the learning, and they actually choose
12:33
Speaker 2: to be there because the relationship feels safe. So I'm
12:35
Speaker 2: meeting those basic psychological needs. So I just thought it
12:38
Speaker 2: was a really, really neat article, and I wanted to
12:42
Speaker 2: do a podcast episode about it and link to it
12:44
Speaker 2: in the show notes so people can read it. Just
12:46
Speaker 2: some quick, simple parenting inspiration. You don't have to be
12:50
Speaker 2: raising CEOs and doctors, but when you meet those needs,
12:56
Speaker 2: when you give kids the opportunity to develop and grow,
12:58
Speaker 2: to make those choices and to be in a safe relationship.
13:01
Speaker 2: What happens is them more likely to choose to go
13:06
Speaker 2: places where they flourish. They're more likely to have the
13:09
Speaker 2: opportunities to flourish because they're developing that confidence and having
13:12
Speaker 2: those experiences. That was the article, how to raise successful
13:17
Speaker 2: CEOs and doctor the unpopular pairing rule I always used
13:20
Speaker 2: on my kids. I'm curious, Kylie, to know whether or
13:23
Speaker 2: not you think we do that very much. Do we
13:25
Speaker 2: do things for our kids that they can do for themselves.
13:27
Speaker 3: Probably me more than you. I have a bit of
13:29
Speaker 3: an agenda. I like things a certain way, and so
13:33
Speaker 3: you'll often find me and they're getting in there and
13:37
Speaker 3: doing it just so it's done.
13:38
Speaker 2: And there's also that level of complication where when you've
13:41
Speaker 2: got a childho's refusing to, let's say, get dressed for
13:44
Speaker 2: school and pack their bag. They are capable of doing it.
13:48
Speaker 2: So do you force the issue, bearing in mind that
13:51
Speaker 2: high emotions equals low intelligence and they're probably going to
13:54
Speaker 2: move further and further away from getting it done. Or
13:56
Speaker 2: do you just work with them on it. And I'm
13:58
Speaker 2: inclined to not do it for them, but do it
14:01
Speaker 2: with them no.
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Speaker 3: Yah, that's probably a really good kpy ot there. More
14:06
Speaker 3: times than not, it's about working with them to achieve
14:09
Speaker 3: the outcome. Time restraints, any number of things would stop
14:15
Speaker 3: us from being able to kind of give them the
14:17
Speaker 3: autonomy that they need in that moment.
14:19
Speaker 2: Yeah, so six words to help out here. I do it,
14:22
Speaker 2: we do it, you do it, and if you go
14:25
Speaker 2: through that process, you do it initially, then we do
14:27
Speaker 2: it together, and then when they can finally do it
14:29
Speaker 2: on their own, they do it. That's the method, that's
14:32
Speaker 2: the approach. So we'll link to it in the show notes.
14:34
Speaker 2: Like I said, I hope that you enjoyed that podcast.
14:36
Speaker 2: I thought it was worth the conversation. Tomorrow. A listener
14:39
Speaker 2: question about a child, an eight year old who is
14:42
Speaker 2: constantly lying. We're going to deal with the lying matter
14:45
Speaker 2: in tomorrow's podcast. The Happy Family Podcast is produced by
14:49
Speaker 2: Justin Roland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer,
14:52
Speaker 2: and if you'd like more information about making your family happier,
14:55
Speaker 2: please visit us at happy families dot com dot au
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Speaker 1: St