Latest / Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute / 102: This Isn't an Addiction Problem - It's an Emotional Awareness Problem

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102: This Isn't an Addiction Problem - It's an Emotional Awareness Problem · Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute

• 0:00
  Let me ask you a question. So right now, what are you
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  feeling? Not what are you thinking, not
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  what happened today, but what are you actually feeling?
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  Most men that I work with or a lot of men that I work with can
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  answer the question with one of three words, fine, feeling
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  stressed or I'm feeling tired. And that's the problem.
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  Because if you can't identify what you're feeling, you can't
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  respond to what you're feeling. And if you can't respond to what
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  you're feeling, you'll eventually escape what you're
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  feeling. So for many men, that's where
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  addiction begins. OK, that's where compulsive
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  behavior ends. That's where it begins that we
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  start to lose track of what our values are.
• 0:48
  Welcome to Beyond the Facade podcast.
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  I'm your host, Luke Gordon, and I'm thrilled to have you join me
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  in this space today. What we're going to be doing is
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  diving deep into the trials and triumphs and truths of seeking
• 0:59
  authenticity. Becoming your true self isn't
• 1:02
  about a single action or a moment.
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  It's a relentless pursuit, a commitment to self that reveals
• 1:07
  a rich connection and meaning that our life has to offer.
• 1:10
  So whether this is your first time tuning in or you're a
• 1:12
  regular listener, know this. What you're building here goes
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  beyond a conversation. You're here to challenge, to
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  change, and to celebrate the incredible journey of becoming
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  your authentic self. Because when you dare to show up
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  fully, the rewards are immeasurable.
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  So welcome to Beyond the Facade. Let's get started all.
• 1:31
  Right, Anyway, let's jump into this.
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  So men aren't emotionally unaware because they're broken.
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  They're emotionally unaware because nobody taught them.
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  So let's talk about this. You got a family system that
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  they grew up in and then the thing that was told which was
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  man up, get over it, don't cry, but let's perform, do better.
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  Their performances praised good grades, doing well in sports,
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  not so much being aware of what you're experiencing performance.
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  So I spent years believing that I was self aware because I could
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  explain my problems, right? So being able to explain your
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  emotions isn't the same thing as experiencing them and thoughts
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  are not feelings. So this is where you could have
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  this is where we can have some fun when we talk about this
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  guys. So again, let's talk about this.
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  What are you feeling? What are the common answers I
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  get back? In fact, it happens often inside
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  of our phase two groups where we show up and the check in is, is
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  what mood meter feelings will. What are you feeling?
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  Some of the common answers are as I feel like nobody
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  understands me. I feel like my partners having
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  big feelings and my partner's frustrated with me.
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  I feel like things aren't getting better.
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  And then I just want to point out none of those things are
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  feelings. Those are thoughts.
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  Actual emotions are different than that.
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  The actual emotions are more like I'm feeling.
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  I'm fearful right now, I'm feeling shame, I'm feeling
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  grief, I'm feeling lonely. Boy, that one never gets
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  mentioned in Group shame and loneliness.
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  That's the one that isn't really so much like, hey, what are you
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  feeling today? I'm feeling rejected, I'm
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  feeling disappointed, I'm feeling helpless.
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  A lot of men live there, live in their heads because their
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  emotions world feels very unfamiliar.
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  And I experienced this so much in myself.
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  This has been so much of my journey.
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  A lot of talks a lot about I want to move you from up here
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  being like rational thoughts into feeling getting inside your
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  body and the reason why men don't want to get inside their
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  body. The reason why the guys that I
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  work with only get inside the body, including myself as it
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  feels unfamiliar. I don't know what I'm feeling.
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  I can't put words on and I can't express.
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  I can't name what I'm feeling. So why emotional awareness
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  matters in recovery. This is the heart of what we're
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  talking about today, guys. Most men think in this order.
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  Trigger, acting out. OK, trigger acting out and often
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  it's a sexual trigger and then I act out sexually.
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  Reality often looks like something else.
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  Emotion, distress, escape, then acting out.
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  Notice how different that is? Trigger acting out, emotion
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  distress, escape, then acting out, right.
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  So I'll just give you an example.
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  Somebody comes home, their partners distance.
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  They don't know why he doesn't recognize it.
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  He views it as like rejection or I'm not enough.
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  There's a ton of fear there. He only notices the discomfort.
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  So what does he do? He escapes from it.
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  So you cannot regulate an emotion unless you identify that
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  emotion. And it's scary to like notice
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  fear, right? I'm scared being able to name
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  it. In fact, I want to share this
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  with you guys sometimes. But in the Rocky Three movie,
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  there's one where Rocky's giving up.
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  I hope this makes sense to you guys.
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  Maybe you want to go back and check out the movie, but he's on
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  the beach. And then Rocky three, I watched
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  the my boys this last weekend. But in the movie, he's running
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  on the beach and he's training because he just barely got beat
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  by Mr. T Clubber Lang. And also Mick just died his
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  trainer. So he's a like at the bottom and
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  he he's giving up. And then his wife really just
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  like she's frustrated. She's like, don't give up.
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  And he is scared. And finally he's able to voice
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  I'm afraid I am afraid, right. So completely irrational to that
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  and blaming a bunch of different things, but he can't name his
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  emotion. And finally he does.
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  But what happens, he turns a corner, he gets back in the
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  fight. He doesn't give up.
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  So you can't regulate an emotion you can't identify.
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  So the difference between managing behaviour and
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  understanding behaviour is really important.
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  So let's talk about the why behavioural tools matter but
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  aren't enough, right? So we have these things, we have
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  filters, we have accountability, we have boundaries, we have
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  recovery plans, all very important.
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  But eventually, men, they're going to have to ask, what am I
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  trying to not feel? Why am I using?
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  Why is my drug a choice, even an option?
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  What does it give me? What am I trying not to fill?
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  And this connects beautifully to, I think so beautifully to
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  Tinza. I'm going to keep going back to
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  Tinza over and over again. Trauma induced sexual addiction
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  by Doctor Barta because it really emphasizes emotional
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  regulation. The root of the problem is I
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  don't know how to regulate. I don't know how to calm down.
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  So I go to maladaptive ways. All right, so let's introduce a
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  practical exercise right now, something concrete.
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  Here's my invitation for next week.
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  I want you to do a few different things.
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  Three times a day. I want you to ask, what am I
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  feeling? OK, Use only emotion.
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  Word. OK.
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  No stories, no explanations, just feelings.
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  Then ask where do I feel it in my body?
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  I could feel like I feel you rolling your eyes right now.
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  Like I don't want to do that, doesn't matter.
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  Will it work? What's the outcome?
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  Just recognizing where do I fill it in my body?
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  This gives a small bridge into some somatic awareness and that
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  is healing the somatic work without making, without really
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  doing somatic work. You're going to have a small
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  bridge into it. So I just want to share with
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  you, most men don't act out because they want pornography.
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  They don't act out. Most men don't act out because
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  they want an affair. Most men don't act out because
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  they want compulsive behaviors. They act out because they don't
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  know what to do with what they're feeling.
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  And you can't heal what you can't name.
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  So if the work seems vague and it's kind of confusing, like why
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  to be able to name my emotions and maybe you're focusing right
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  now. I want to have empathy for my
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  partner and I need to have feelings, but you don't know
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  why. Maybe this episode has some
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  Nuggets in there for you. The reason And the moment you
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  begin to identify his emotional experiences is the moment you
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  stop becoming a victim of them. OK, Because yeah, guess what?
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  If I'm fatigued and I'm tired, I'm going to find a way to wind
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  down. I'm going to find a way to to
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  chill out. But it might be a really
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  destructive pattern. So just again, you're this
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  awareness you have, it's not going to solve anything.
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  But nothing gets solved without it, OK?
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  Nothing gets solved that awareness.
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  It doesn't solve everything. OK, so for next week, we're
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  going to stop asking why do I keep doing this?
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  Instead, you're going to ask yourself, what am I feeling
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  right now that I haven't named yet?
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  So you might be surprised how much changes when you stop
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  focusing on the behavior and start paying attention the
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  emotion underneath it. So anyway, looking forward to
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  spending more time with you in these concepts we're sharing and
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  take care. Hey, so let's talk about our
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  reclaimed intensive coming up. I know we have some buzz around
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  it and I'm hoping we get to see you there, but let me tell you
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  what it's about. Have you ever felt like a part
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  of you genuinely wants recovery while another part of you keep
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  sabotaging it? Where one part wants like
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  connection to another part wants escape?
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  Where one part wants honesty and another part wants to hide?
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  And let me give you one more. Where one part wants to be
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  present with your kids, your partner, and your life, but
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  another part you wants to numb out, wants to check out, wants
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  to disappear all together. Many men spend years fighting
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  this internal battle without even understanding what's
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  actually happening beneath the surface.
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  The truth is, you're not broken. You're not.
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  Crazy. You're not fighting against
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  yourself by accident. You're carrying a system of
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  parts that were developed for a reason.
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  That's why we create the reclaimed intensive.
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  So Reclaim is a four day men's intensive built around internal
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  family systems and parts work and other American tools of
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  recovery. So together we want to identify
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  these different parts of you and we want to understand the wounds
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  and what they're protecting and how to be LED through your
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  internal system so you can find some clarity and confidence and
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  self energy that you haven't had before.
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  Because this isn't about trying harder, it's about understanding
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  what's happening inside of you. So if you're struggling and you
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  want to move beyond managing some of the systems and start
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  addressing it, please join us from August 18th to the 21st in
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  Spanish Fork, UT. So go ahead and visit
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  chooserecoveryservices.com. Go to the intensive section and
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  with the reclaimed intensives. And even if you want to schedule
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  a consultation, we can talk about it more.
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  Hey. Thanks for joining us today.
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  If this. Is something that you connected
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  with. I'd love to meet with you more
• 10:48
  and talk about it. So what you can do is go to
• 10:50
  chooserecoveryservices.com or check the show notes and there
• 10:54
  what we can do is set up a quick conversation we need.
• 10:57
  Thanks so much for listening to Beyond the Facade where we
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  unmask the authentic cell.