Latest / The Ben Maller Show / The Fifth Hour: Fire Marshall Ben

Transcript

The Fifth Hour: Fire Marshall Ben · The Ben Maller Show

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Kutbooms.
• 0:02
  Speaker 2: If you thought four hours a day, twelve hundred minutes
• 0:05
  Speaker 2: a week was enough, think again. He's the last remnants
• 0:09
  Speaker 2: of the old republic, a sol fashion of fairness. He
• 0:12
  Speaker 2: treats crackheads in the ghetto gutter the same as the
• 0:15
  Speaker 2: rich pill poppers in the penthouse. Wow to clearinghouse of
• 0:19
  Speaker 2: hot takes, break free for something special. The Fifth Hour
• 0:23
  Speaker 2: with Ben Mallard starts right now.
• 0:28
  Speaker 3: In the air everywhere The Fifth Hour with me, Ben
• 0:33
  Speaker 3: Maler and Danny g Radio as we slide into the
• 0:37
  Speaker 3: twenty eighth day of February, the final day of the month,
• 0:44
  Speaker 3: and we are united in one common goal, the podcast.
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: And on this edition of The.
• 0:52
  Speaker 3: Fifth Hour, we've got pancakes, the birds, and an airborne
• 0:58
  Speaker 3: pajama party, and we'll throw all of that together and
• 1:03
  Speaker 3: we are going to make cinema unless we're actually chemically
• 1:07
  Speaker 3: in balanced.
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: But we'll begin with this. So today is National Pancake Day.
• 1:12
  Speaker 3: Now why it is National Pancake Day, I could not
• 1:15
  Speaker 3: tell you, but pancakes. Which I was reading about pancakes
• 1:20
  Speaker 3: and they said it goes back more than thirty thousand years.
• 1:25
  Speaker 3: Now you could call them hotcakes. Some people call them
• 1:28
  Speaker 3: Johnny cakes. A few people call them griddle cakes. That
• 1:32
  Speaker 3: batter made for breakfast goes back more than thirty thousand years.
• 1:36
  Speaker 3: In fact, I was looking some stuff up on this
• 1:39
  Speaker 3: because I have no life. And the oldest breakfast food
• 1:42
  Speaker 3: in history is the pancake. It goes back as far
• 1:46
  Speaker 3: as the Stone Age, and it was found in the
• 1:50
  Speaker 3: stomach of an Iceman, a famous Iceman whose remains are
• 1:56
  Speaker 3: estimated to be five three hundred years old.
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: So it pancakes been around, been around for a while.
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: So there you go. Enjoy that. And they celebrate back.
• 2:09
  Speaker 3: I was reading in the UK they've celebrated Shruve Tuesday
• 2:13
  Speaker 3: since eleven hundred AD, and that is the day before
• 2:17
  Speaker 3: ash Wednesday. And it's all, like I said, New Orleans,
• 2:21
  Speaker 3: it's called Fat Tuesday in America, whatever, but very popular
• 2:24
  Speaker 3: feast day, and consuming.
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: Pancakes is a big part of that. So enjoy that.
• 2:32
  Speaker 3: Now, moving on from that, another chapter in the Life
• 2:36
  Speaker 3: of Malar the weekly audio book Living the Life of
• 2:41
  Speaker 3: an Overnight Blowhard in twenty twenty six. Now, so this
• 2:45
  Speaker 3: is not a complaint, It is a self diagnosis that
• 2:50
  Speaker 3: this is what happens the other day in the very
• 2:53
  Speaker 3: quiet cathedral that we call the Malor Mansion kitchen. I
• 2:58
  Speaker 3: was preparing my one meal a day. I continue my
• 3:02
  Speaker 3: Michigas with this inter minute fasting, which is not a fad,
• 3:07
  Speaker 3: not for me. It's not a fad. It is a lifestyle.
• 3:10
  Speaker 3: It is a decision that one makes so you feel
• 3:15
  Speaker 3: like you're being healthy. You also have this weird superiority
• 3:19
  Speaker 3: thing over snackers, and I was a huge snacker for
• 3:23
  Speaker 3: a long time.
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: I was a huge snacker for a long time. And
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: I'll go get a cup of yogurt, you know, two
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: in the morning, whatever it might be, some chips, and
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: so I don't do that anymore.
• 3:33
  Speaker 3: Obviously, I just do the internet fasting thing. I have
• 3:35
  Speaker 3: a small window. And it also allows me on some
• 3:38
  Speaker 3: level to say, hey, you know I I don't eat
• 3:40
  Speaker 3: until four, you know, the way that a monk would say,
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  Speaker 3: I've taken a vow and I'm call me the Malor monk.
• 3:49
  Speaker 3: So anyway, get to the point. So we had some
• 3:51
  Speaker 3: leftover ground beef. The leftover going beef was in the
• 3:56
  Speaker 3: back of the fridge on the right hand side. And
• 4:00
  Speaker 3: leftover ground beef is a very valuable thing when you
• 4:04
  Speaker 3: have it in your kitchen. It's an unsung hero for
• 4:08
  Speaker 3: those that are planning to eat a meal and you're
• 4:11
  Speaker 3: not sure what you want to make, and like, let
• 4:12
  Speaker 3: me see what I got, and your futs around and
• 4:14
  Speaker 3: all that stuff. But it really is the unsung hero
• 4:17
  Speaker 3: of American cuisine. Ground beef. It sits there in the refrigerator.
• 4:21
  Speaker 3: If it was baseball, it'd be like that veteran utility
• 4:24
  Speaker 3: infielder just waiting for his opportunity in the World Series
• 4:27
  Speaker 3: against the Toronto Blue Jays in Game seven to wallop
• 4:30
  Speaker 3: a home run, not flashy, somewhat dependable, waiting for the call.
• 4:35
  Speaker 3: Put me in chef. I'm ready to cook. So on
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  Speaker 3: this day I decided something a little different. I normally
• 4:40
  Speaker 3: don't eat burritos, but I thought, why not, I'll make burritos,
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  Speaker 3: and not just burritos, because I can't just make briers.
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  Speaker 1: I made malor burritos.
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  Speaker 3: And I learned several years back that everything tastes better
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  Speaker 3: when you name it after yourself. And I advise you,
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  Speaker 3: if you do cook in your home, just name the
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  Speaker 3: dishes after you. It just is more fun. So I
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  Speaker 3: hit it up the beef and tossed in some extra
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  Speaker 3: caya and pepper.
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  Speaker 1: And some chili powder right on top of that ground beef,
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  Speaker 1: which was already cooked. By the way.
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  Speaker 3: The ground beef had been cooked before I was reheating
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  Speaker 3: the ground beef. So I heated it, put some more
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  Speaker 3: cayenn pepper, some chili powder, and for what I describe
• 5:19
  Speaker 3: as a donkey style kick in the badonka donk, which
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  Speaker 3: is not I don't believe a medical term should be
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  Speaker 3: a medical term. And I placed the beef in a
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  Speaker 3: large tortilla. Large tortia, not a timid, small, little tiny tortilla,
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  Speaker 3: the oversized burrito style tortilla, the kind of tortilla that
• 5:41
  Speaker 3: is the bully of the tortilla community, puffed with pride.
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  Speaker 3: All those other little tortillas cannot compete. The purpose of
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  Speaker 3: this tortilla is to give a hardy, hearty meal in
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  Speaker 3: what would become the mala burrito. And the central figure
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  Speaker 3: app around that ground beef that makes the amazing delicious
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  Speaker 3: burrito is the jumbo sized oversized tortilla.
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  Speaker 1: So I did this.
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  Speaker 3: I threw some onions in there, some bell pepper, some cheese,
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  Speaker 3: and into the air fryer.
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  Speaker 1: It went. Five minutes.
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  Speaker 3: Hit the pause button, five minutes, hit the pause button,
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  Speaker 3: but little cheese on top restaurant style. You're gonna do it,
• 6:23
  Speaker 3: you gotta do it right. So little cheese on top
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  Speaker 3: put the thing back in the air fryer. We were
• 6:27
  Speaker 3: off to the racist stuff. Flag is up.
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: So the air fryer is doing its thing right, and
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  Speaker 1: it's very arrogant.
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  Speaker 3: The air fryer is a relatively new device in the
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  Speaker 3: modern American kitchen right and.
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  Speaker 1: Behaves like it's an elitist. It's doing you a favor,
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  Speaker 1: swirling around this smug device on your countertop and saying,
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  Speaker 1: you see, you see what I'm doing. I'm healthier. You're
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: eating healthier because of me.
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  Speaker 3: You know that whole thing Like it's yelling, I am
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  Speaker 3: the tesla of the countertop appliance.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, great, congratulations, air fryer. Way to go.
• 7:03
  Speaker 3: So on this day, not only did I have the brido,
• 7:06
  Speaker 3: I was feeling a little frisky, little dangerous.
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  Speaker 1: Think of me like a.
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  Speaker 3: Suburban evil Canievel, wearing gym shorts and a Benny's T
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  Speaker 3: shirt that my buddy and p One in Providence provided
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  Speaker 3: me as a gift.
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: Last year. I think it might have been last year.
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: I don't know.
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  Speaker 3: It was a little while back, and this is not
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  Speaker 3: named after me. There was a famous chain of stores
• 7:28
  Speaker 3: in the New England area named Benny's, and this guy
• 7:33
  Speaker 3: was very kind. He sent me a nice shirt, so
• 7:36
  Speaker 3: I have a Benny's Benny shirt. So I decided to
• 7:39
  Speaker 3: make homemade tortilla chips. And because of inflation, because of inflation,
• 7:47
  Speaker 3: over the years, a bag of chips has turned into
• 7:50
  Speaker 3: a luxury item. I'm not sure why that happened. I
• 7:53
  Speaker 3: don't know how that happened, but I refused to refinance
• 7:56
  Speaker 3: the Malor mansion to buy a bag of tostitos. So
• 8:00
  Speaker 3: a few months ago, I was futzing around on the
• 8:02
  Speaker 3: dark web and I began making my own ships. I
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  Speaker 3: saw a recipe on how to make homemade restaurant style
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  Speaker 3: tortilla chips.
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  Speaker 1: Ding ding ding ding ding. Man, I hear that.
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  Speaker 3: I'm like, come on now, I've tried to recreate all
• 8:15
  Speaker 3: of my favorite foods, so my ability to cook includes
• 8:19
  Speaker 3: all of my favorite foods.
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  Speaker 1: That's about it.
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  Speaker 3: So, as you probably know from your life, this is
• 8:24
  Speaker 3: how it starts. Right first, it's like, well, let me
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  Speaker 3: I like that recipe, Let me try it, Let me
• 8:29
  Speaker 3: let me try it. Next thing, you know, you're driving
• 8:32
  Speaker 3: to the Mexican market in what real estate agents would
• 8:36
  Speaker 3: describe as an up and coming neighborhood with a lot
• 8:39
  Speaker 3: of upside, which is code for lock the doors. It's
• 8:43
  Speaker 3: an interesting part of town if you like the hard
• 8:46
  Speaker 3: scrabble streets. We go on that voyage because these tortillas
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  Speaker 3: are the holy grail. They're the holy grail. Once you
• 8:55
  Speaker 3: find them, you can't go back. That's it, you cannot
• 8:59
  Speaker 3: go back. I'm telling you, Oh, you're just blowing smoke.
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  Speaker 1: No I'm not. I promise you.
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  Speaker 3: Regular tortillas that you get from the grocery store are
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  Speaker 3: just whatever, you know, disappointment, the yellow corn tortilla that's
• 9:14
  Speaker 3: got the swag, that's got the swag.
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  Speaker 1: They can craft them however you want for those.
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  Speaker 3: I usually use them for the tacos, the homemade tacos
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  Speaker 3: that I make, the crunchy tacos.
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  Speaker 1: But you cut these bad boys into triangles.
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  Speaker 3: Now, this is important because it gives you your mind
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  Speaker 3: looks at these shapes, and geometry matters because you think, well,
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  Speaker 3: that's like how they have them at the restaurant. So
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  Speaker 3: then you fry them for about two minutes. About two
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  Speaker 3: minutes they puff up slightly like they're very proud of
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  Speaker 3: themselves that they have reached the higher level.
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  Speaker 1: And then you remove them.
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  Speaker 3: Now you got to let that oil drain on in
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  Speaker 3: a bowl with some paper towels, and then you got
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  Speaker 3: to salt them and then basking your own, uh, you know,
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  Speaker 3: cooking glory that you were able to do this domestically
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  Speaker 3: make these beautiful chips. So the burritos at this time
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  Speaker 3: were in the air fryer. The chips were frying. I
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  Speaker 3: was orchestrating a symphony of oil and culinary goodness.
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  Speaker 1: Everything was going beautifully.
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  Speaker 3: Now, if everything continued to go beautifully, this would not
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  Speaker 3: make the podcast, right, this would not make the vices.
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  Speaker 1: That's right.
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  Speaker 3: I see you nodding your head. I see Alf over
• 10:32
  Speaker 3: there in ferg Dog and mal the propka the burrito.
• 10:35
  Speaker 3: At this time, remember it was air frying the burrito.
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  Speaker 3: The chips were sizzling. At this point, I'm thinking, I'm
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  Speaker 3: getting a Food Network special, Like I'm gonna do a
• 10:45
  Speaker 3: one time Food Network special overnight sports gas bag. Does
• 10:50
  Speaker 3: you know something something you We'll call it cooking with
• 10:52
  Speaker 3: mild Malar Hubris and then plot twist, because that's how
• 11:00
  Speaker 3: life works. So I stepped away from the stove for
• 11:04
  Speaker 3: twenty seconds. It wasn't thirty seconds, it wasn't ten seconds,
• 11:08
  Speaker 3: it was twenty seconds. Twenty seconds. Now, in the history
• 11:12
  Speaker 3: of humanity, empires have not fallen in twenty seconds kitchens,
• 11:20
  Speaker 3: that's a different story. So in my peripheral vision, literally
• 11:25
  Speaker 3: a side eye, I saw something flying buzzing around to
• 11:30
  Speaker 3: my left hand side in the kitchen, and it was
• 11:34
  Speaker 3: kind of aggressive. At first, I thought, well, there's a
• 11:38
  Speaker 3: Is that a mosquito? Is that a fly? Is that
• 11:40
  Speaker 3: a gnat? And it was particularly motivated. I thought this
• 11:46
  Speaker 3: might be a masera B. And then another popped up
• 11:52
  Speaker 3: in my peripheral vision, and another, And now I'm starting
• 11:55
  Speaker 3: to think, well, this sounds like a This sounds like
• 11:58
  Speaker 3: it could be a Bible story. It's biblical HITCHCOCKI in right,
• 12:02
  Speaker 3: the kitchen had become an audition for the Bird's Suburban edition.
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  Speaker 1: So what was it?
• 12:12
  Speaker 3: Well, upon further investigation by the Malar Investigative Bureau, and
• 12:18
  Speaker 3: when I mean investigation, I turned my head around in
• 12:22
  Speaker 3: mild panic, like I had found some kind of infestation
• 12:27
  Speaker 3: of some flying something something.
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: Maybe it was a flying cockroach.
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  Speaker 3: It turned out that the paper towel that I had
• 12:37
  Speaker 3: placed near the stove to soak up the oil from
• 12:41
  Speaker 3: the chips, and decided that it.
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: Was ready to well get a little warmer. It caught fire.
• 12:49
  Speaker 3: Oh oh, the paper towels, it appears, are into attention.
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  Speaker 3: They do not just smolder politely, No, no, no, they
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  Speaker 3: burst into flame like they'd been waiting for some kind
• 13:04
  Speaker 3: of casting call.
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  Speaker 1: Now.
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  Speaker 3: One second they were just there sucking up the oil,
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  Speaker 3: the grease and all that, and the next they're auditioning
• 13:14
  Speaker 3: for Backdraft three, the Mallard Burrito reckoning.
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: And it was amazing. I was like, Wow, this is wild,
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: and then it was horrifying at the same time. I
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: can't believe this happened or is happening.
• 13:28
  Speaker 3: And the flame went from a modest little flame to
• 13:32
  Speaker 3: an inferno in the time I was looking at it.
• 13:35
  Speaker 3: The chips, innocent little triangles of ambition were now caught
• 13:41
  Speaker 3: in the crossfire of this culinary disaster film. The stove
• 13:47
  Speaker 3: was kind of shaming me, like you should have stayed
• 13:49
  Speaker 3: over here, you know, And so I thought, like allways
• 13:54
  Speaker 3: things were talking to me and the stove.
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: I know, the stove had been waiting for years just
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: to mock me, really kill me.
• 14:01
  Speaker 3: You know, you and your little air fryer, hiah, you
• 14:03
  Speaker 3: and your little air fryer huh. Let's see how you
• 14:06
  Speaker 3: handled the big boy stove. So for a split second,
• 14:11
  Speaker 3: I in my head, I was like, well, this is
• 14:13
  Speaker 3: going to be the headline. I don't know that I'm
• 14:15
  Speaker 3: big enough to make TMZ, but there'll be a headline somewhere.
• 14:18
  Speaker 3: Overnight sports radio host taken down in flames by tortilla
• 14:22
  Speaker 3: chips video at eleven. So here's the thing though, about
• 14:28
  Speaker 3: being the type of person that I am, A bit
• 14:30
  Speaker 3: neurotic type a personality when the worst happens. And I
• 14:34
  Speaker 3: learned this as a cub scout boy scout back in
• 14:36
  Speaker 3: the day. You're ready, You're prepared, Always be prepared. You're
• 14:41
  Speaker 3: someone that's rehearsed every doomsday scenario. You've done it in
• 14:46
  Speaker 3: your head four thousand times. So I stayed calm, heard
• 14:51
  Speaker 3: the ghostly echo of Jim Carrey as Fireman Bill, let
• 14:57
  Speaker 3: me show you something, and suddenly I morphed. It was
• 15:02
  Speaker 3: a metamorphosis into fire Marshall Bennie. I grabbed the plate. Yeah,
• 15:08
  Speaker 3: I grabbed it with my bare hands. Not the wisest
• 15:10
  Speaker 3: idea burning paper towels flaming chips and all.
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: And then I marched.
• 15:16
  Speaker 3: Across the kitchen like I was carrying the Olympic torch,
• 15:21
  Speaker 3: and I then proceeded to drop everything into the sink,
• 15:25
  Speaker 3: cranked on the water full blast. There was a sizzle,
• 15:30
  Speaker 3: some steam, and then it was extinguished, and then I exhaled.
• 15:37
  Speaker 3: The Malor mansion was saved to cook another day. The
• 15:41
  Speaker 3: burritos were fine, they were over in the air fire.
• 15:44
  Speaker 3: The chips, while heroic, they were soggy. We lost them
• 15:49
  Speaker 3: to collateral damage. They life well lived.
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: However, we made a new batch. So that's a happy
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: part of the story. And let the record show those
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: of you.
• 16:00
  Speaker 3: That might be questioned, like Justin in Cincinnati and some
• 16:02
  Speaker 3: of your other knuckleheads, I am not a pyromaniac.
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: I am at worst a bug on the rug. But
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: I am not a firebug. I am not.
• 16:11
  Speaker 3: So afterwards, I stood there, I stared at the stove.
• 16:15
  Speaker 3: The stove looked at me. We had a moment, right,
• 16:18
  Speaker 3: we had a moment, and I was like, hey, you
• 16:21
  Speaker 3: showed me stove, you showed me the airfire over there.
• 16:24
  Speaker 3: Said you should have stuck with me. You know this
• 16:26
  Speaker 3: wouldn't have happened. You just should have stuck with me.
• 16:30
  Speaker 3: And the sink was over there, just hey, I'm here
• 16:33
  Speaker 3: if you have a problem again, And the tortillas were like, hey, hey, Fatty,
• 16:39
  Speaker 3: you left, you know, you abandon us. And I was
• 16:41
  Speaker 3: reminded of that old saying that a watched pot never boils.
• 16:47
  Speaker 3: The second you look away, though, it becomes a volcano.
• 16:50
  Speaker 3: The second you look away, it becomes a volcano. So
• 16:53
  Speaker 3: this is what I do. I end up yapping all
• 16:56
  Speaker 3: night and cooking one meal of the day and occasionally
• 16:59
  Speaker 3: making up a ree. Know, and I, in this case,
• 17:02
  Speaker 3: battled burning paper towels. I had to sacrifice some tortilla chips,
• 17:10
  Speaker 3: but I didn't win the battle with inflation, one triangle
• 17:15
  Speaker 3: chip at a time.
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: And so there you go.
• 17:18
  Speaker 3: This is a small win. It's not a huge win.
• 17:20
  Speaker 3: I guess it's in some ways it's a bigger than
• 17:22
  Speaker 3: small win, because the house could have burned down if
• 17:24
  Speaker 3: I had really walked away, If I'd really walked away,
• 17:27
  Speaker 3: it's just me in the kitchen, fighting the little things
• 17:32
  Speaker 3: that pop up, the threats that are in the kitchen,
• 17:36
  Speaker 3: and the steaks.
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: This was actually, you know, I look back on it,
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: this could have been really bad It's wild how fast
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: that fire once the point is reached of inferno. It's
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: pretty crazy.
• 17:50
  Speaker 3: But the burritos, I know you're very curious, excellent, the chips,
• 17:54
  Speaker 3: the second batch, very good.
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: The stove, we'll see some.
• 17:59
  Speaker 3: There on that, and I will keep my distance between
• 18:04
  Speaker 3: paper towels.
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: And the stove in the days to come.
• 18:07
  Speaker 3: All right, now, one other thing I wanted to get
• 18:09
  Speaker 3: to here, the Great Airborne Pajama Party as we turned
• 18:14
  Speaker 3: the page on the Fifth Hour podcast. So there was
• 18:17
  Speaker 3: a time before I was alive, back when the Boeing
• 18:21
  Speaker 3: seven seven still possessed this silvery mid century dignity, when
• 18:28
  Speaker 3: air travel was an event. We've all seen the video,
• 18:32
  Speaker 3: and I heard stories from my parents when I was
• 18:34
  Speaker 3: a kid about what air travel was like and how
• 18:36
  Speaker 3: amazing it was, and the food was great and everyone
• 18:40
  Speaker 3: was polite and all that stuff. Get dressed up for it,
• 18:43
  Speaker 3: You put your church clothes on, you went out there,
• 18:45
  Speaker 3: You did it right, your technicals, whatever it is. You'd
• 18:49
  Speaker 3: arrived at the airport looking like a person of stature,
• 18:56
  Speaker 3: that you were an adult. There was a purpose there,
• 18:59
  Speaker 3: and that you washed your clothes, you did what you
• 19:02
  Speaker 3: needed to do. And if you've ever flown in recent times.
• 19:06
  Speaker 3: You know that the American Airport terminal has been downgraded
• 19:11
  Speaker 3: into a sprawling, fluorescent lit purgatory where there's a line
• 19:18
  Speaker 3: I don't even know if it exists anymore between I'm
• 19:21
  Speaker 3: ready to take off and I just woke up in
• 19:24
  Speaker 3: the back of a dumpster and I smell like old
• 19:26
  Speaker 3: tuna fish and it's that thing. I think that line's
• 19:30
  Speaker 3: been permanently erased. So I mentioned this because the news
• 19:32
  Speaker 3: this week the Tampa International Airport. Now, I've never flown
• 19:35
  Speaker 3: into the Tampa International Airport. I've been to Orlando and Miami.
• 19:38
  Speaker 3: I've not flown into the Tampa International Airport. Although just
• 19:42
  Speaker 3: being in Florida, you know, there's some unique chaos that
• 19:46
  Speaker 3: goes on. And they issued a very cheeky ban this week.
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: I don't know if you saw it or not. You
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: did not, okay.
• 19:54
  Speaker 3: On pajamas and crocs, which is less than a It's
• 19:59
  Speaker 3: less of policy shift and more of a cry for help.
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: Right, it is desperate.
• 20:03
  Speaker 3: It was theatrical, like a theatrical gas per air in
• 20:08
  Speaker 3: the era of the collapse of decorum and all that stuff.
• 20:15
  Speaker 3: I don't know what their word is, but we have
• 20:16
  Speaker 3: entered into the age of what I'll call goblin mode
• 20:19
  Speaker 3: at thirty thousand feet in the sky, and the view
• 20:23
  Speaker 3: from the window seat is increasingly obscured by the sheer, unwashed,
• 20:27
  Speaker 3: sadness of it all. Now, just to be clear, the
• 20:32
  Speaker 3: ban at the Tampa International Airport was known as a
• 20:37
  Speaker 3: pr stunt. Remember the Sigmund Freud line, there's a little
• 20:43
  Speaker 3: truth in every joke. There's a little truth in every joke,
• 20:46
  Speaker 3: And so this was a bit of a plea for society.
• 20:51
  Speaker 3: No one is actually going to bar the gates against
• 20:57
  Speaker 3: somebody that walks in with pajama bottoms, you know, the
• 21:03
  Speaker 3: stained hoddy, the whole thing there, the outfit which most
• 21:07
  Speaker 3: people wear when they go to the airport. However, the
• 21:09
  Speaker 3: fact that we even have to ask people not to
• 21:12
  Speaker 3: treat the airport like their own unmade bed is quite
• 21:18
  Speaker 3: the look, a deep dive into the way things are
• 21:23
  Speaker 3: and how many are just bedrackled. So the debate normally
• 21:29
  Speaker 3: falls into two camps. You have the comfort crusaders versus
• 21:32
  Speaker 3: the elegant exiles. However, the real issue is not wardrobe.
• 21:39
  Speaker 3: It's not it's the hygiene that's the issue. Every man,
• 21:44
  Speaker 3: woman and child that has traveled a couple of times,
• 21:48
  Speaker 3: or even once has been through that particular aeronautical horror movie,
• 21:54
  Speaker 3: the disheveled Jackwagon who settles into fourteen B and they
• 22:00
  Speaker 3: bring with them carry on that is a scent that
• 22:05
  Speaker 3: is so.
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: Foul, so profound, so toxic.
• 22:10
  Speaker 3: It's biohazardous, and you wonder if the EPA should be
• 22:15
  Speaker 3: summoned alongside a group of flight attendants and air marshals.
• 22:22
  Speaker 3: And it is the swamp ass heard around the world. Now,
• 22:27
  Speaker 3: the airlines, of course, they are the architects of much
• 22:30
  Speaker 3: of this misery. There was deregulation in the nineteen seventies.
• 22:35
  Speaker 3: I know how bad deregulation screwed over the radio world,
• 22:37
  Speaker 3: but in the nineteen seventies there was deregulation for airlines.
• 22:43
  Speaker 3: And it's been about forty years. I think nineteen seventy
• 22:45
  Speaker 3: eight was the year. They have treated the human body
• 22:48
  Speaker 3: as something they can move like Plato around. They can
• 22:54
  Speaker 3: just make things smaller, even though people seem to be
• 22:57
  Speaker 3: getting bigger. They have squeezed us in to the average
• 23:01
  Speaker 3: of I believe it's twenty nine inches. These little airborne
• 23:04
  Speaker 3: coffins that you pay money to sit in. They've narrowed
• 23:08
  Speaker 3: everything and we are packed in like sardines in a tin.
• 23:13
  Speaker 3: And of course they charge fifty dollars for the privilege
• 23:16
  Speaker 3: of bringing a suitcase with you. So malor memo to Spirit, Southwest, Delta,
• 23:22
  Speaker 3: American Airlines and all the other airlines. When you treat
• 23:25
  Speaker 3: people like cattle, you cannot be surprised when they show
• 23:29
  Speaker 3: up smelling like the barn. Okay, and it's a problem.
• 23:32
  Speaker 3: So is it conceivable there's some kind of connection if
• 23:36
  Speaker 3: you stop shoving everyone in as many people as you
• 23:40
  Speaker 3: can get, piling on top of each other, maybe people
• 23:42
  Speaker 3: would actually take a shower. So you go to the airport,
• 23:46
  Speaker 3: this is the experience. You get grope by TSA. You're
• 23:49
  Speaker 3: then funneled into a seat that hasn't seen a vacuum
• 23:55
  Speaker 3: since Bill Clinton was in.
• 23:57
  Speaker 1: The White House and all that.
• 24:01
  Speaker 3: Then you've got people that are wearing the moo moo
• 24:04
  Speaker 3: on one side, right, And it's kind of understandable on
• 24:08
  Speaker 3: some level.
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: It's like feedback to the airlines.
• 24:11
  Speaker 3: But the airlines I read the other day they rake
• 24:14
  Speaker 3: in seven point two billion in baggage fees. Seven point
• 24:19
  Speaker 3: two billion in baggage fees that used to be free,
• 24:23
  Speaker 3: used to be Hey, you buy a ticket. You gotta
• 24:25
  Speaker 3: bring bags. Okay, we're good now, fifty bucks, fifty bucks.
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: A bag, Chi ching, chichang, chi ching.
• 24:35
  Speaker 3: And then we shrink into these ridiculous seats and you
• 24:42
  Speaker 3: staggered through terminals, the whole thing, and you.
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: Get your neck pillow and all those other crap. So
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: where do I fall? Where do I? Thanks for asking?
• 24:53
  Speaker 3: I fall on the side of the theatrical protest. If
• 24:58
  Speaker 3: we are going to be rammed in to these flying
• 25:02
  Speaker 3: aluminum tubes, if that's the world that we're in, the
• 25:06
  Speaker 3: least the least we can do is maintain the illusion
• 25:11
  Speaker 3: of humanity, right, So listen, if you have to wear crocs,
• 25:16
  Speaker 3: wear crocs if you must, though I don't know why
• 25:20
  Speaker 3: on God's green earth you'd want to do that, but
• 25:23
  Speaker 3: that's your thing. But for the love of all that
• 25:26
  Speaker 3: is holy, can you please wash them?
• 25:30
  Speaker 1: Right?
• 25:30
  Speaker 3: And if the airlines don't give us space, we must
• 25:34
  Speaker 3: at least give each other a sense of some kind
• 25:36
  Speaker 3: of decorum. And that madhouse at the gate is just no,
• 25:44
  Speaker 3: it's listen, don't do it. I saw that planes are
• 25:48
  Speaker 3: flying at eighty five percent capacity, and in terms of dignity, it's.
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: It's close to zero close to zero. So there was
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: a joke by the Tampa Airport and you know, it
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: was all a joke, but there's a little bit of
• 26:03
  Speaker 1: truth in that, a little bit of truth in that.
• 26:05
  Speaker 3: And you know, they can't mandate. I don't want the
• 26:08
  Speaker 3: government to mandate a dress code. I don't need that.
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: At the same time, though, it's gotta be a middle ground.
• 26:16
  Speaker 1: There's gotta be some kind of middle ground there that
• 26:21
  Speaker 1: we can all agree on. All right, I'm just.
• 26:24
  Speaker 3: Merely pointing that out there, you go, all right, it
• 26:29
  Speaker 3: is the Fifth Hour podcast. I know the combine has
• 26:33
  Speaker 3: been going on this week the Underwear Olympics are taking place,
• 26:39
  Speaker 3: and I did see some debate this week on how
• 26:42
  Speaker 3: long the combine is going to go on. And there's
• 26:46
  Speaker 3: some predictions that the thing's going to go away and
• 26:50
  Speaker 3: the next few.
• 26:51
  Speaker 1: Years is going to go away and all that, and
• 26:57
  Speaker 1: I it's such a it's such a headline grabber for
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: the NFL. Like I actually the argument that it's really
• 27:04
  Speaker 1: unnecessary now with the way the world is.
• 27:07
  Speaker 3: And you know, it's like, to me, the workout stuff's
• 27:11
  Speaker 3: not important. It's all about the news conferences. Like every
• 27:14
  Speaker 3: day it's been it's it's nugs week, as I called
• 27:17
  Speaker 3: it on the radio show. It's nuggets, NFL nuggets.
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: Every day you get a nugget, You get a nugget,
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: You get a nugget.
• 27:24
  Speaker 3: But like the stuff that actually happens on the the field,
• 27:28
  Speaker 3: I feel like it's.
• 27:29
  Speaker 1: Just a waste of time. There's a reason that Aaron
• 27:33
  Speaker 1: Glenn was snoozing. We did the the back on the
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: Friday Overnight show. Aaron Glenn was caught on camera sleeping
• 27:43
  Speaker 1: at the combine. And I, well, yeah, it's pretty it's
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: pretty boring. Now you're getting paid millions of dollars. You
• 27:50
  Speaker 1: should not do that, right, You should. You should try
• 27:53
  Speaker 1: to avoid that.
• 27:54
  Speaker 3: And you know, and these the fairy tales that come out,
• 27:59
  Speaker 3: the fairy tales come out of the combine.
• 28:04
  Speaker 1: I saw the story. It was the headline the other day.
• 28:06
  Speaker 3: Ty Simpson, the Alabama quarterback, gained twenty five pounds in two.
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: Months before the combine.
• 28:14
  Speaker 3: And I gotta tell you something, I gained more than
• 28:16
  Speaker 3: that back in the day, back in my big eating days.
• 28:19
  Speaker 3: You'll give me all you can eat, all the time,
• 28:23
  Speaker 3: and I am, I am going for it.
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: I am I'm in. I will not hold back.
• 28:30
  Speaker 3: And so Ty Simpsons said he ate no less than
• 28:34
  Speaker 3: three meals, often four meals, a lot of shakes.
• 28:37
  Speaker 1: He said, Get up, eat.
• 28:39
  Speaker 3: Drink chocolate, milk, eat lunch, eat the right meal, add
• 28:44
  Speaker 3: a shake, dinner, eating, adding a saladh blah blah blah blah.
• 28:48
  Speaker 3: I can gain more weight than that eating doughnuts. I
• 28:53
  Speaker 3: can eat the cupcake, the cookies, all that stuff. All right, Well,
• 28:57
  Speaker 3: get out on that note, have a wonderful rest your Saturday,
• 29:01
  Speaker 3: and we will hit you up on the mail bag
• 29:04
  Speaker 3: on Sunday. I hope you have a great end to
• 29:07
  Speaker 3: the month and we'll talk to you next time.
• 29:10
  Speaker 1: Asta pasta later, skater. I think I hit all the ones.
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: Did I miss anything? Danny Gee you killed it with
• 29:20
  Speaker 1: the knife? I think yeah. Aloha b folations.