Latest / The Ben and Ashley I Almost Famous Podcast / RHOC Jennifer Pedranti and fiancé Ryan Reveal if Divorce is Easier Than Real Housewives

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RHOC Jennifer Pedranti and fiancé Ryan Reveal if Divorce is Easier Than Real Housewives · The Ben and Ashley I Almost Famous Podcast

0:13
Speaker 1: Welcome back you guys. I do Part two.
0:16
Speaker 2: It's your celebrity mentor Jen Fessler, and today I am
0:19
Speaker 2: joined by two of my friends and you know them
0:23
Speaker 2: from the Real Housewives of Orange County. It is Jen
0:26
Speaker 2: Pedantry and Ryan. Hi, guys, Hi, how are you? So
0:31
Speaker 2: you guys listeners should know that these are actually my friends.
0:35
Speaker 2: We have been out to dinner. My husband Jeff just
0:38
Speaker 2: adores Ryan. We all adore Jen. I'm happy to have
0:42
Speaker 2: you because I know it's been very hard to book
0:44
Speaker 2: you guys.
0:44
Speaker 1: You have been busy.
0:46
Speaker 3: Well no, listen, I've been wanting to do this with
0:49
Speaker 3: you because one you are my girlfriend. I love doing
0:51
Speaker 3: this stuff with you, and two we've not been able
0:54
Speaker 3: to make it work.
0:55
Speaker 4: So I'm so happy to be here with you today.
0:57
Speaker 1: Jen agreed. I know it's hard also when you're filming.
1:00
Speaker 2: All right, my friends, So I know you know already
1:03
Speaker 2: what this podcast is about, but we're really talking. We
1:06
Speaker 2: talk to people who are on their part two or three,
1:09
Speaker 2: or four or five. You know, I have shared with
1:12
Speaker 2: you guys, I'm sort of on my part two. Jeff
1:14
Speaker 2: and I were separated for like a year and a
1:15
Speaker 2: half and I consider this a part two and I
1:19
Speaker 2: know that both of you are on your part.
1:20
Speaker 5: Two.
1:21
Speaker 2: Ryan, I believe you have been married before. I know
1:24
Speaker 2: you have two kids, right, Yes.
1:25
Speaker 5: I was married for eighteen years.
1:28
Speaker 1: Okay, wow, Okay, that's a long time. Jen. How are you?
1:31
Speaker 1: How long were you married?
1:32
Speaker 4: I was married like twenty one years.
1:35
Speaker 1: Twenty one yeah, a long time.
1:37
Speaker 4: Twenteen years.
1:38
Speaker 2: You guys, before we sort of jump into the two
1:41
Speaker 2: of you, and I don't want to be too intrusive,
1:44
Speaker 2: but can you tell me a little bit about well Ryan,
1:47
Speaker 2: first you because I don't think the viewers really got
1:49
Speaker 2: to know too much about your first marriage. A little
1:51
Speaker 2: bit about I don't know how that was, and not
1:55
Speaker 2: too much before he.
1:56
Speaker 4: Says anything, Can I tell you something? You tell me.
1:59
Speaker 4: You're never too intrusive and we would share anything.
2:02
Speaker 5: Yeah, ask all the question, ask away.
2:04
Speaker 1: I love you, guys, Thank you. I'll be sorry you
2:06
Speaker 1: said that, not really.
2:10
Speaker 5: Tell us again.
2:11
Speaker 6: Yes, I met her in high school, going into freshman
2:15
Speaker 6: year of high school.
2:16
Speaker 5: We started dating, ended up married at twelve.
2:19
Speaker 2: It's not even high school, going into freshman year, almost
2:22
Speaker 2: like middle school.
2:23
Speaker 6: Yes, we met essentially in middle school, started dating. We
2:26
Speaker 6: dated on and off all the way till I was
2:29
Speaker 6: twenty three and we got.
2:30
Speaker 1: Married at twenty three.
2:32
Speaker 6: Twenty three, yeah, I think married to twenty three. My
2:35
Speaker 6: first son who's now twenty two, when I was twenty five,
2:38
Speaker 6: and then my daughter a year later and she's a
2:41
Speaker 6: twenty year old.
2:42
Speaker 2: That's so crazy to me, only because I have a
2:45
Speaker 2: twenty three year old daughter and I just can't even
2:49
Speaker 2: imagine that.
2:50
Speaker 1: But listen, and I was married a little bit late.
2:52
Speaker 2: But all right, so you were married a long time,
2:57
Speaker 2: which I don't know if that was part of it,
2:58
Speaker 2: getting married so young. I do hear that story. Sometimes
3:02
Speaker 2: people change, things change. Tell me a little bit maybe
3:05
Speaker 2: about the marriage and when it stopped working.
3:08
Speaker 6: You know, Heather, who's my ex, is an amazing woman,
3:13
Speaker 6: and I'm so grateful for the mom that she is
3:15
Speaker 6: and the way.
3:16
Speaker 2: I'm not just I'm sorry, but what a lovely, fabulous
3:19
Speaker 2: thing to say.
3:20
Speaker 6: I just, I mean truly, for someone who has kids
3:23
Speaker 6: being a father, the world kind of revolves around the
3:26
Speaker 6: kids and co parenting. So being on part two and
3:29
Speaker 6: being able to co parent in a the most healthy
3:33
Speaker 6: possible way. It hasn't always been easy, but to sit
3:36
Speaker 6: where we sit now is a gift. But I will
3:38
Speaker 6: say you mentioned a jen. When you meet someone at
3:41
Speaker 6: I don't know, thirteen years old, A lot changes from
3:44
Speaker 6: you know, thirteen, then married at twenty three and divorced
3:47
Speaker 6: at forty.
3:48
Speaker 5: Yeah, so a lot changes.
3:50
Speaker 6: I do take full responsibility for the decline of my.
3:54
Speaker 2: Marriage, full responsibility I do anyone fully Is anyone fully responsible?
3:59
Speaker 1: That's general I think No, I don't think.
4:01
Speaker 6: I don't think anyone is fully right because everything, if
4:03
Speaker 6: you have two people involved, there's you know, personalities and
4:06
Speaker 6: two different people. But the reason my marriage failed ultimately
4:11
Speaker 6: was because of me and my infidelity. So I take
4:14
Speaker 6: full responsibility. Should I could I say, Heather, my ex
4:19
Speaker 6: could have done this or that.
4:20
Speaker 5: At the end of the day, it's on me.
4:22
Speaker 1: I can't help it.
4:24
Speaker 2: Just that just I find that so well honest of course,
4:30
Speaker 2: but admirable and thank you.
4:32
Speaker 5: I'm not saying it to be admirable. I'm just saying I.
4:34
Speaker 1: Know, I understand that, I understand that.
4:37
Speaker 6: And I would say this looking back now, I'm forty nine,
4:40
Speaker 6: so looking through a different lens, looking back nine years ago,
4:44
Speaker 6: saying when the divorce failed, I don't know if you've
4:47
Speaker 6: sat if I sat down at forty with you, if
4:48
Speaker 6: I would say that, but truly it's how I feel
4:51
Speaker 6: now looking back through the lens I look through being
4:54
Speaker 6: a little bit more responsible and mature. It fell on
4:57
Speaker 6: my shoulders, and that's okay, And I'm super grateful Jen
5:02
Speaker 6: Moses super honest and transparent with my kids. So we
5:07
Speaker 6: have the real conversations as to why it failed, because
5:10
Speaker 6: they're in just like you said your daughter, they're getting
5:12
Speaker 6: to the ages where my son has been dating his
5:15
Speaker 6: girl girlfriend for six years and could be in might
5:17
Speaker 6: be in that position in the next year or so.
5:19
Speaker 6: So I have these very open dialogue conversations with both
5:23
Speaker 6: of them.
5:24
Speaker 2: It's interesting because when I went on Jersey, my kids,
5:30
Speaker 2: so this is now got five years ago or something,
5:33
Speaker 2: but you know, we had a lot of family meetings
5:36
Speaker 2: about it. But also you know, they at their age
5:39
Speaker 2: know that, you know, obviously they were there when their
5:42
Speaker 2: father and I separated, but also they knew that there
5:45
Speaker 2: was infidelity and and I mean we did, we got
5:49
Speaker 2: back together, but I don't remember ever really feeling with
5:52
Speaker 2: them that like ashamed of it in the sense that
5:57
Speaker 2: like I know a lot of parents are, but I felt, like,
5:59
Speaker 2: you know, I am at that point, I was an
6:01
Speaker 2: adult it was my my you know, my journey and
6:05
Speaker 2: my path and it turned out well and it wasn't
6:10
Speaker 2: really about them.
6:10
Speaker 1: A lot of people don't feel that way, right.
6:12
Speaker 3: But Jeff and I felt like that, Jen, you feel
6:15
Speaker 3: like I was opposite you. I felt that I was
6:19
Speaker 3: the one that felt the guilt, Like, yeah, you know,
6:21
Speaker 3: I'm very I'm like Ryan, I'm very transparent with my
6:23
Speaker 3: kids as well.
6:24
Speaker 4: But there was almost like a for me, like.
6:29
Speaker 3: Uh, scarlet letter kind of like I felt like, as
6:32
Speaker 3: a mom, I'm not supposed to do those types of things,
6:34
Speaker 3: and I've let all of these kids down by that
6:38
Speaker 3: behavior of mine.
6:39
Speaker 2: So let me let me maybe part of my attitude
6:43
Speaker 2: is because we both were unfaithful.
6:46
Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, So I don't know about Will.
6:49
Speaker 2: And by the way, you guys, for all you listeners,
6:51
Speaker 2: my husband Jeff and knows actually Jen's ex Will. They've done,
6:55
Speaker 2: I guess they they've been in not in business together,
6:58
Speaker 2: but they got to know each other because of their
7:01
Speaker 2: you know, respected businesses, which is so which is so.
7:03
Speaker 1: Crazy, right, crazy, just a small world.
7:07
Speaker 3: He always says the nicest things about Will, and Will
7:09
Speaker 3: has always said the nicest things as well.
7:11
Speaker 2: So yeah, yeah, well I'm going to jump ahead of myself.
7:14
Speaker 2: I feel like even you Jen have said really nice
7:17
Speaker 2: things about Will and I know that Ryan, You've had
7:22
Speaker 2: a relationship, a relationship with him where it feels like
7:24
Speaker 2: you've been very respectful of him.
7:25
Speaker 1: I know there are issues. I watched the show, so
7:28
Speaker 1: I get that.
7:30
Speaker 2: But yeah, with in terms of like the infidelity, I
7:33
Speaker 2: guess because it was both of us, I felt like
7:35
Speaker 2: it was between us when they got older. You know
7:39
Speaker 2: what I was I felt guilty about was the separation, right, yeah, right,
7:43
Speaker 2: just And I don't know if guilt is the word.
7:44
Speaker 2: I mean, I was both my parents combination of seven
7:47
Speaker 2: marriages between them, and I kind of thought divorce came
7:50
Speaker 2: with the territory a little bit. But then watching my
7:54
Speaker 2: kids when Jeff moved out was really way harder than
7:57
Speaker 2: I expected. But and you know, people of all kinds
8:00
Speaker 2: of feelings about it. It was a sad time for sure,
8:05
Speaker 2: But you know, we do what we need to do.
8:07
Speaker 2: I mean, look at you guys now, and there's something
8:10
Speaker 2: to be said for that.
8:11
Speaker 3: There is something to be said for that. And we
8:12
Speaker 3: have some friends who are currently going like starting this
8:15
Speaker 3: whole process. And it's interesting because, like Ryan, and I
8:19
Speaker 3: always say, it's not like we're some divorce advocates like
8:21
Speaker 3: if you can do what you guys did and put
8:23
Speaker 3: it back together and find happiness and keep the family
8:26
Speaker 3: unit one, my gosh, is that not an easier path
8:30
Speaker 3: because nobody's kidding themselves, like the second time around it
8:34
Speaker 3: it's not easy now. I will say for me, Jen,
8:37
Speaker 3: like I know now the things that I let go
8:40
Speaker 3: for so many years in my marriage that I never
8:43
Speaker 3: stood up for, I never voiced, or I didn't have
8:45
Speaker 3: an expectation on my husband. He doesn't get away with
8:48
Speaker 3: any of them now and vice versa. Like it's kind
8:51
Speaker 3: of like, this is my second go around at this,
8:53
Speaker 3: So it's either you're going to work and what doesn't work,
8:56
Speaker 3: we're going to figure it out, or this doesn't work.
8:59
Speaker 4: I just I don't.
9:00
Speaker 2: Yeah, I have to tell you, like I know you
9:03
Speaker 2: so you know, not just as a viewer but as
9:05
Speaker 2: a friend. But I don't know that that comes across
9:07
Speaker 2: on the show. You know, I don't know, what do
9:10
Speaker 2: you think, Ran, I don't.
9:11
Speaker 5: I don't think it does.
9:12
Speaker 6: I think they you know, I'm not talking about editing,
9:16
Speaker 6: but I think she's always kind of like the deer
9:18
Speaker 6: and headlights.
9:18
Speaker 5: If it's relationships, yes.
9:22
Speaker 1: H yeah, I mean.
9:26
Speaker 2: I just I feel like that piece of it that
9:29
Speaker 2: you know, you learn, you live, you learn, you grow,
9:31
Speaker 2: But that piece of your relationship where you're not taking ship,
9:35
Speaker 2: you know, is so important and different.
9:38
Speaker 4: And you know, but I think I'm sounding like I'm something.
9:41
Speaker 1: Not that you gave her any Ryan, No, he gives me.
9:44
Speaker 4: I give him too, John Like, it's and here's the
9:47
Speaker 4: other thing I want to say.
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Speaker 3: It's not that I left this horrific marriage and now
9:52
Speaker 3: I found the most perfect person in the world. Listen,
9:55
Speaker 3: Every relationship comes with their quirks, their their hang up
10:00
Speaker 3: so it's it's like finding the person that their hang
10:04
Speaker 3: ups are okay for you or he's willing to work
10:07
Speaker 3: through it with me. Like my ex husband, I had
10:09
Speaker 3: zero communication. I couldn't get will to have a conversation
10:12
Speaker 3: with me to save my life. This guy, I'm like,
10:16
Speaker 3: but I'm not done talking.
10:17
Speaker 4: But I'm not done.
10:17
Speaker 3: I wait, hold on, I have one more question. And
10:20
Speaker 3: I drive him a little bananas with it. But he
10:22
Speaker 3: knows that's kind of a thing for me, and he's
10:25
Speaker 3: he is naturally a communicator, so it works so much better.
10:29
Speaker 3: It's not that it's perfect, it's that I have the
10:31
Speaker 3: ability to communicate and inside this dynamic with Ryan.
10:35
Speaker 1: Yeah.
10:35
Speaker 2: And also I feel like Ryan, you are a communicator,
10:38
Speaker 2: like at least that's again, well I know you are,
10:41
Speaker 2: but that's how I feel like viewers feel like you
10:44
Speaker 2: do like to communicate, like to sort of work things through,
10:48
Speaker 2: have have some kind of you're in touch with your
10:52
Speaker 2: emotional you know side.
10:54
Speaker 1: And I don't want to.
10:55
Speaker 2: Say you're a feminine side, but you're like you're just
10:57
Speaker 2: you seem like that guide to me, like you are.
11:00
Speaker 6: I appreciate you saying that. And I can say that
11:03
Speaker 6: probably wasn't that probably wasn't true. In my thirties and
11:10
Speaker 6: till I got divorced, A lot changed after that, A
11:13
Speaker 6: lot of self introspection changed of who I wanted to be.
11:17
Speaker 5: Jen knows this.
11:18
Speaker 6: I think the former me, I would say, and I
11:20
Speaker 6: know that sounds weird. I was wearing a mask at
11:24
Speaker 6: all times, just trying to be a people pleaser, being
11:28
Speaker 6: kind of yes that yes guy. And it was at
11:31
Speaker 6: forty with a divorce where I just said, I just
11:34
Speaker 6: want to be better, a better version of me. I
11:38
Speaker 6: want to be more authentic, I want to be honest
11:39
Speaker 6: in all aspects of my life, and I didn't know
11:43
Speaker 6: that was possible.
11:44
Speaker 5: And then meeting Jen and having the ability to communicate.
11:47
Speaker 6: I know everyone says this, everyone hears, and everyone says
11:50
Speaker 6: relationships are work. I actually feel like, and this isn't
11:54
Speaker 6: lip service, my relationship or the one that I'm in
11:57
Speaker 6: with Jen, is not work because we're work as something
12:00
Speaker 6: like you go punch a time card, and I never
12:02
Speaker 6: feel I'm doing that, even if it's the moments where
12:04
Speaker 6: Jen wants to over communicate, or you know, sometimes I
12:08
Speaker 6: just beat something till there's nothing left to talk about.
12:11
Speaker 5: I still don't find it work. I'm so very interesting.
12:14
Speaker 2: That's such an interest point because guess what, as you're
12:16
Speaker 2: saying that, I'm thinking I don't find it work, but
12:20
Speaker 2: I'm saying it's not. We don't fight. I'm not saying
12:23
Speaker 2: we don't have hard moments. I'm not saying it doesn't,
12:25
Speaker 2: you know, frustrate the shit out of me, and certainly
12:27
Speaker 2: I do him, But I don't know.
12:30
Speaker 1: I don't. I don't think of it like that either.
12:33
Speaker 6: Yeah, but we've all heard it right. Relationships are work.
12:35
Speaker 6: Marriage is work. And I am so grateful to sit
12:38
Speaker 6: here this second go around and say it's not work.
12:41
Speaker 6: I also didn't know. And this is something I learned
12:44
Speaker 6: about me along the way. Not a knock on my
12:49
Speaker 6: first wife, Heather, but just more about learning me. I
12:52
Speaker 6: didn't think it was possible to be in a relationship
12:56
Speaker 6: with your actual best friend.
12:59
Speaker 5: I used to do and do all the had.
13:01
Speaker 6: You know, my first phone call was to my buddies,
13:04
Speaker 6: and probably the first three phone calls would be to
13:06
Speaker 6: my buddies versus my ex wife. My first phone call
13:10
Speaker 6: now good, bad, indifferent in the middle. My first opportunity
13:13
Speaker 6: to spend time is with Jen, and I'm so grateful
13:17
Speaker 6: for that and the fact that we're able to do
13:19
Speaker 6: it with our schedules with seven kids. I attribute and
13:24
Speaker 6: I am so grateful for Jen of that because she
13:26
Speaker 6: creates the time and makes the time. It makes me
13:30
Speaker 6: feel like had very special in that way.
13:44
Speaker 2: I was just recently in LA and we did and
13:47
Speaker 2: I do Part two with a bunch of hosts, and
13:51
Speaker 2: we were talking a lot about this like the change
13:54
Speaker 2: and when there's a like for me a spark right now,
13:57
Speaker 2: and a lot of people talk about the spark, and
13:59
Speaker 2: I know you guys had a lot of chemistry when
14:01
Speaker 2: you met, but a spark now is this feeling of
14:06
Speaker 2: not only peace of my life, but I really like Jeff.
14:09
Speaker 2: I like spending time with him, like I really respect him,
14:12
Speaker 2: and I really like him, and of course I love
14:15
Speaker 2: him as well. And I think that's like what you're describing,
14:19
Speaker 2: wanting to spend time with Jeff. With Jeff, I'm sorry
14:22
Speaker 2: with Jen, but enjoying that time. You know, I am
14:26
Speaker 2: getting to the point of my life where I just
14:28
Speaker 2: I can't stand most people, so which you know I can't.
14:33
Speaker 2: I can barely have people come and spend the night
14:35
Speaker 2: in my house anymore. Like I just I have no
14:37
Speaker 2: or stay in people's homes when I travel. But I
14:40
Speaker 2: can do all of that with Jeff. And and we
14:44
Speaker 2: are you know, we're just symbiotic. I mean we are
14:47
Speaker 2: man and wife or husband and wife, excuse me. But
14:50
Speaker 2: also just I enjoy him. I enjoy his company, which
14:53
Speaker 2: is such a pleasure, you know.
14:55
Speaker 3: Well he It's so funny for Riot because I'm sure
14:57
Speaker 3: through the show people have seen or made the assumption
15:00
Speaker 3: like before me, Ryan had this big past, you know,
15:03
Speaker 3: and his big past was chasing women and sunshine and
15:06
Speaker 3: vacation and you know, all his all his.
15:10
Speaker 4: Past girlfriends and whatever.
15:12
Speaker 3: And it's so funny because it's so cute to me
15:15
Speaker 3: now because he tells me all the time like you're
15:17
Speaker 3: my best friend, like you're you're the whole, like you're everything,
15:19
Speaker 3: like everything's in you.
15:20
Speaker 4: And I'm like, I know, babe, or that for me too.
15:23
Speaker 3: But he had like like you're saying, he had the
15:25
Speaker 3: ex wife and then he had his guy friends, and
15:27
Speaker 3: then he had the girls he would chase.
15:29
Speaker 4: But I know him so well he was.
15:32
Speaker 3: Just chasing and feeling boyds when really the boid he
15:35
Speaker 3: was really chasing after was figuring out him, like who
15:38
Speaker 3: was he?
15:39
Speaker 4: Who's Ryan? Who's the hole Ryan?
15:41
Speaker 3: And he'll tell me all the time like you're home,
15:44
Speaker 3: Like he always tells me like you're home for me
15:47
Speaker 3: and and I know that, like I and when.
15:50
Speaker 1: That's how it feels, right, I know that, yes is
15:52
Speaker 1: how it feels.
15:54
Speaker 2: Do you guys have ever go through either one of
15:55
Speaker 2: you have do therapy at all?
15:58
Speaker 4: Oh my god, we love therapy.
16:00
Speaker 6: It is actually my therapist who would say, you're chasing ghosts,
16:04
Speaker 6: like what you're doing and you come in here and
16:06
Speaker 6: you have the highs and the lows, but at the
16:08
Speaker 6: end of the day. Take a look in the mirror,
16:09
Speaker 6: it's you and number two what you're chasing as a
16:12
Speaker 6: ghost and.
16:14
Speaker 1: Does that does she mean it? Does she mean it?
16:16
Speaker 1: When you were chasing women or just chasing.
16:18
Speaker 6: Everything, chasing everything, a new car, you know, and whatever
16:22
Speaker 6: it is sometimes as males.
16:23
Speaker 5: And they call it. You know what do they call it?
16:25
Speaker 5: When we go through mid.
16:25
Speaker 1: Life christis you start.
16:27
Speaker 6: Like, it's just amazing when someone can sit down and
16:31
Speaker 6: you you mentioned it earlier, Jen, and I'm grateful that
16:33
Speaker 6: I have a very spiritual side and a faith based
16:37
Speaker 6: side that I can sit down with my therapist or
16:40
Speaker 6: I respect in that way. Agendas too were the same
16:42
Speaker 6: one and she can say it's you, buddy, look in
16:45
Speaker 6: the mirror, you're the problem, and ye're when you're in
16:50
Speaker 6: position to hear it, and it actually moves the meter
16:53
Speaker 6: in your own like soul and you're like, I want
16:56
Speaker 6: to be different.
16:57
Speaker 5: It just changes a lot of things.
17:01
Speaker 2: I hope that next season you guys get to showcase
17:04
Speaker 2: some of this because.
17:06
Speaker 1: It's so Maybe it's.
17:08
Speaker 2: Because I love you, but it's just it's so endearing,
17:11
Speaker 2: you know, I love I love just hearing about this
17:13
Speaker 2: and these parts of your relationship as opposed to I
17:17
Speaker 2: don't know, whatever other mess.
17:20
Speaker 4: It's funny when you talk about the spark.
17:21
Speaker 3: I feel like people look at Ryan and I like
17:24
Speaker 3: it's like some sexual thing constantly with Ryan and I
17:27
Speaker 3: and no, kid yourself, I have that with him. But
17:31
Speaker 3: and it is different I think for men and women.
17:33
Speaker 3: But like what you're saying, Jen, like my spark is
17:37
Speaker 3: to be five years in with this man and I'm
17:39
Speaker 3: safe and what he tells me he does. Like if
17:42
Speaker 3: Ryan tells me something's going to happen, I know that
17:45
Speaker 3: that's accurate.
17:47
Speaker 4: I'm safe.
17:48
Speaker 2: That's so important, Jen. But you just say that is
17:50
Speaker 2: I know, be able to count on him like that?
17:52
Speaker 1: I know it is.
17:53
Speaker 2: Yes, I still appreciate that to this day, that I know,
17:57
Speaker 2: no matter what, I can count on Jeff Bessler.
18:00
Speaker 1: Listen.
18:01
Speaker 2: I have a lot of friends who have been divorced
18:02
Speaker 2: and they speak to that, right, like how important that
18:07
Speaker 2: is that you know? I remember when Jeff and I
18:10
Speaker 2: first got together, so silly, but we were engaged and
18:15
Speaker 2: I had moved to his place in Jersey and I
18:19
Speaker 2: just started a new job, and he said to me,
18:21
Speaker 2: like at the beginning of the day, He's like, well,
18:23
Speaker 2: you know, I'll take you, I'll show you where to
18:24
Speaker 2: catch the bus or whatever. And I remember thinking in
18:26
Speaker 2: my head, for some reason, he's not going to remember
18:28
Speaker 2: to do that.
18:29
Speaker 1: Like most boyfriends I had had.
18:31
Speaker 2: Really give a shit, right, And I just I always think,
18:34
Speaker 2: like when I'm talking about this, I remember at the
18:36
Speaker 2: end of the day and it was late, like we've
18:37
Speaker 2: been out all day. It was like seven o'clock and
18:39
Speaker 2: he's like, all right, let's go by. And I just
18:41
Speaker 2: silly things like that that always stick with me. If
18:43
Speaker 2: Jeff says he's going to do something, he just does it, period,
18:48
Speaker 2: and I appreciate it.
18:49
Speaker 3: And I feel like for women that translates in my
18:53
Speaker 3: marriage to my husband. At first, like it was intimacy
18:57
Speaker 3: was used to like just get attention from him. Then
18:59
Speaker 3: I got so that like we would have intimacy but
19:02
Speaker 3: no time together. Then I would be like, Okay, I
19:05
Speaker 3: don't even now because what you say doesn't happen.
19:07
Speaker 4: We're never together.
19:08
Speaker 3: I don't feel it being intimate with you. And I
19:11
Speaker 3: would say to anybody that's on number two or number
19:13
Speaker 3: three or number ten, do what you say, say what
19:16
Speaker 3: you mean, and put the time in, because now it's
19:19
Speaker 3: like I can't believe I'm five years and I still
19:22
Speaker 3: have butterflies. But it's not just the sexual side of it.
19:25
Speaker 3: It's the Yeah, it's who he is with me, with
19:28
Speaker 3: my kids. I look at him and I'm like, oh
19:30
Speaker 3: my gosh, that's all mine. And I'm not talking about
19:33
Speaker 3: the man sitting poolside and his wareshorts hot as hell
19:36
Speaker 3: to me.
19:36
Speaker 4: I'm talking about the man in my home.
19:38
Speaker 3: And when I feel like for women, there's the spark, right,
19:41
Speaker 3: like you're gonna lit a spark, like do something and
19:43
Speaker 3: say what you do or do what you say.
19:46
Speaker 4: She is going to be like, I'm that that is mine.
19:48
Speaker 1: Like I tell that to my kids.
19:51
Speaker 2: I tell it specifically to my daughter, like, yes, you're
19:54
Speaker 2: gonna fall with your heart and with your body. Yeah,
19:57
Speaker 2: you gotta just try if you can, and at this
20:00
Speaker 2: young age to not be completely controlled by that to think,
20:04
Speaker 2: you know, and my grandmother used to say to me
20:07
Speaker 2: all the time, he doesn't have to be rich, he
20:12
Speaker 2: has to be ambitious, he doesn't have to be I
20:15
Speaker 2: don't know. A million things like that that I always
20:17
Speaker 2: took with me, and I try to sort of, you know,
20:20
Speaker 2: put to give them my kids those same values anyway,
20:23
Speaker 2: not about me moving on, since we're talking about ten
20:26
Speaker 2: million kids between you, how did the mix go guys,
20:30
Speaker 2: like from the beginning, well, go ahead.
20:33
Speaker 6: We were just talking about it yesterday to a friend
20:35
Speaker 6: who the one Jen mentioned is going through divorce right now.
20:39
Speaker 1: Yeah.
20:41
Speaker 5: I think it was so organic.
20:42
Speaker 4: We let it be organic, so there was no forcing it.
20:45
Speaker 3: It was kind of like the kids knew about Ryan,
20:48
Speaker 3: Ryan's kids knew about me, and then there was never
20:52
Speaker 3: like a we are going to dinner and you guys
20:53
Speaker 3: are going to meet and I have by Ryan has two,
20:56
Speaker 3: so it was a weird. One would be kind of
21:00
Speaker 3: ready and then that would be like a hangout with that.
21:02
Speaker 3: And it took time, though, Jen. And there's this one
21:06
Speaker 3: trip when my daughter was on board, ready to go,
21:09
Speaker 3: loved him, and it was our first travel trip together
21:13
Speaker 3: and we went to Vegas with my daughter and her
21:16
Speaker 3: girlfriend and I remember Ryan, when we were holding hands
21:20
Speaker 3: and walking down Vegas, my daughter shut down like that
21:23
Speaker 3: was it. And so that trip took a turn we
21:26
Speaker 3: didn't anticipate. So it was a lot of me with Evvy's,
21:29
Speaker 3: a lot of talking with her. I think it was
21:31
Speaker 3: the realization of seeing mom, not with dad, but seeing
21:35
Speaker 3: mom like with Ryan like I'm holding Ryan's hand, I'm
21:37
Speaker 3: walking with Ryan, I'm and that was emotional for her,
21:40
Speaker 3: and I just think the best thing my advice is
21:44
Speaker 3: you've got to let the kids feel what they feel.
21:46
Speaker 3: There's no way to make it right when it's wrong.
21:49
Speaker 3: There's no way to make them. You just have to
21:52
Speaker 3: let it be and they do come around. I mean
21:55
Speaker 3: we were faced with early on Jen. Will set the
21:57
Speaker 3: kids down and he was like, this is who took
21:59
Speaker 3: your mom. This is he's a bad man. And you
22:02
Speaker 3: told me, you said it's hurt from Will's just hurt,
22:06
Speaker 3: and this is what he's That's okay, he's just hurt
22:08
Speaker 3: right now, and we're going to keep showing up for
22:09
Speaker 3: these kids for time.
22:11
Speaker 4: They'll see it and I'm telling you, it just took the.
22:14
Speaker 1: Time, and they do.
22:15
Speaker 6: I would say for me, it was more of like
22:18
Speaker 6: a three pronged approach. My two kids at the time
22:22
Speaker 6: Jen entered my life. I'm now four years divorced, so
22:25
Speaker 6: my kids were ready and open for dad to meet somebody.
22:31
Speaker 6: Jen's kids met me at a time where yeah, so
22:35
Speaker 6: it was that parncy.
22:36
Speaker 5: It was chaos because Jen left her marriage and went
22:38
Speaker 5: right to me.
22:39
Speaker 6: So the kids didn't have this rougher time of Hey,
22:43
Speaker 6: mom and dad have been separated, divorced for a year
22:45
Speaker 6: or two and now mom met somebody. There was not that,
22:48
Speaker 6: So I think first prong would be my kids were
22:51
Speaker 6: open ready, and it was so easy for my kids
22:54
Speaker 6: in Jen and I and then Jen's youngest two at
22:57
Speaker 6: the time, Jeez Dom's eleven now it was five, and
23:01
Speaker 6: Eddie is fifteen. She was like nine.
23:04
Speaker 5: They were much more easy and open and it was
23:08
Speaker 5: her older boys, I think boys in general, but their ages.
23:12
Speaker 6: Made that a little bit more, that runway a little
23:15
Speaker 6: bit longer for them to who is this guy, what's
23:18
Speaker 6: he here for?
23:18
Speaker 5: And I can respect that.
23:19
Speaker 6: So I think in the three prong approach, we just
23:22
Speaker 6: let it continue to unfold without having any.
23:25
Speaker 4: You know, expectation, expectation or timelines.
23:28
Speaker 5: And it's been it worked in our favor.
23:40
Speaker 2: I said earlier that I didn't I don't feel guilty
23:43
Speaker 2: to my kids about the infidelities. I feel guilty though,
23:47
Speaker 2: about some of the ways in which I handled them
23:49
Speaker 2: when we were separated, because I had a boyfriend and
23:52
Speaker 2: he became part of the household, and I definitely, looking back,
23:58
Speaker 2: have guilt about that. For allowing that even though and
24:02
Speaker 2: my kids were really young and well like seven and nine,
24:08
Speaker 2: so not quite as young as yours, but so they
24:13
Speaker 2: really didn't even have I don't think like the wherewithal
24:15
Speaker 2: to say we don't like this right, But I should
24:19
Speaker 2: have had the wherewithal to say this needs more time
24:23
Speaker 2: to breathe. And I got very wrapped up in this
24:26
Speaker 2: boyfriend and it wasn't not blaming him, but we moved
24:31
Speaker 2: very quickly into this thing.
24:33
Speaker 1: And so I don't have, like I said, guilt.
24:36
Speaker 2: I do have guilt, not, you know, not when it
24:39
Speaker 2: comes to maybe some of the infidelities and things that
24:41
Speaker 2: happened between me and Jeff, I feel like they're between
24:43
Speaker 2: me and Jeff. But the things that I guess affected
24:46
Speaker 2: my kids, I do, and I get that, gen You're
24:47
Speaker 2: not alone because I made mistakes in that area as well.
24:50
Speaker 4: I think mom guilt is like such a thing. I
24:53
Speaker 4: still do it.
24:54
Speaker 3: I just told him yesterday. I used to be like
24:56
Speaker 3: the Christmas mom, I mean, freaking miss clause here.
25:00
Speaker 4: Now I can see that dress around money.
25:03
Speaker 1: Is it enough?
25:04
Speaker 4: Is it the Christmases they used to have.
25:06
Speaker 3: I mom guilt myself, like, well, I just want the
25:08
Speaker 3: holidays done because I need to know it was enough
25:10
Speaker 3: that they're happy and they felt like it was Christmas,
25:11
Speaker 3: damn it.
25:12
Speaker 4: And I did enough.
25:13
Speaker 3: But I don't know why we do that, Jeff, Like
25:15
Speaker 3: I can mom guilt myself over anything, and I feel
25:19
Speaker 3: like I want to. That is something I want to
25:21
Speaker 3: get better at because I know you and I know me.
25:23
Speaker 3: We're damn good moms.
25:25
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I don't know why we do that.
25:27
Speaker 4: I don't feel like men do that as much as
25:30
Speaker 4: women do. Like dad, guilt is not a thing, No,
25:32
Speaker 4: not like that.
25:34
Speaker 2: Uh, Jeff Fessler is as perfect a father as I
25:37
Speaker 2: could have ever hoped for. And I am not a
25:39
Speaker 2: perfect mother. So you know it's like I try, I
25:43
Speaker 2: think to myself, I can't imagine him. I try to
25:45
Speaker 2: guilt him sometimes, but he is nothing.
25:47
Speaker 5: It doesn't want work, No, he.
25:50
Speaker 2: Just has nothing to feel to feel guilty about. But
25:51
Speaker 2: I make plenty of mistakes and have had plenty of
25:53
Speaker 2: guilt as a mom.
25:57
Speaker 1: You know over them.
25:58
Speaker 2: I know that that you're right. That is that is
26:00
Speaker 2: so so common. Gen I look at you and I
26:01
Speaker 2: think you must be and I see it on TV.
26:04
Speaker 2: But the most loving, devoted mother, just the whole way
26:09
Speaker 2: you have about you, and I see it in your
26:11
Speaker 2: relationships with your kids on TV.
26:14
Speaker 1: So interesting.
26:14
Speaker 2: And I had a mother who listen, she had a
26:18
Speaker 2: lot to deal with and it wasn't great a my
26:21
Speaker 2: house growing up. And my therapist always says to me,
26:24
Speaker 2: it's not very easy to break that. It's certainly it's
26:26
Speaker 2: very difficult to break patterns. And I do know that
26:31
Speaker 2: I've been a very good mom, and I know that
26:34
Speaker 2: it was without really working hard on myself, I wouldn't
26:37
Speaker 2: have been the mom that I've been. But I've been
26:39
Speaker 2: in therapy for so many years and it's helped me
26:41
Speaker 2: so much. And I think that specifically, I speak so
26:45
Speaker 2: much about my kids in therapy and I get so
26:48
Speaker 2: much great feedback and that has really helped me. But
26:51
Speaker 2: with all of that, gen, You're right, we all have
26:53
Speaker 2: mom guilt, and Ryan, I would think you have some
26:55
Speaker 2: dad guilt.
26:56
Speaker 6: I mean, oh, definitely, especially in the beginning, right because
26:59
Speaker 6: I was a doer. I'm the one that wanted the divorce.
27:02
Speaker 6: I definitely like some guilt. I think fast forward now,
27:05
Speaker 6: and this is the great part about you can attest
27:07
Speaker 6: to this gen with your kids being the age as
27:08
Speaker 6: they are, they're now at ages where we're parents and
27:11
Speaker 6: we're friends. Yeah, And I enjoy my kids so much.
27:14
Speaker 6: They actually I want to go to dinner with my kids,
27:16
Speaker 6: where before it's like we got to take the kids
27:19
Speaker 6: dinner and feed them. Now it's like, you know, we
27:21
Speaker 6: want them when we get to bring them with us,
27:24
Speaker 6: the older ones, especially, just because the dialogue communication is different.
27:27
Speaker 6: My kids would sit here with us today and have
27:30
Speaker 6: told us I can't even imagine you a mom being together.
27:33
Speaker 6: You're so different as people. Mom's great in her way
27:36
Speaker 6: and you're great in your way. But I can't even imagine.
27:39
Speaker 6: And they were old enough when we were obviously together,
27:41
Speaker 6: they just can't see it. So it's cool that they
27:42
Speaker 6: can mature through it, and that erode some of the
27:46
Speaker 6: guilt that we may put on ourselves. When the kids
27:48
Speaker 6: can say, oh, mom's so happy, Mom's doing great. I
27:50
Speaker 6: couldn't even imagine you a mom together that type thing.
27:53
Speaker 1: Ah, I totally can imagine. That's such a relief.
27:55
Speaker 2: It's so interesting because even like in this Ryan, you're
27:57
Speaker 2: so honest, Like when they were younger, it's like kids
28:00
Speaker 2: out to dinner with Yeah, right, that is the truth
28:05
Speaker 2: of it, and it is I mean, I said to
28:06
Speaker 2: Rachel my daughter yesterday, I'm like, I can't. We like
28:09
Speaker 2: opened a bottle of wine. I'm like every time i
28:12
Speaker 2: feel like like I'm drinking wine and then I'm like,
28:14
Speaker 2: wait a second, Yeah, yeah, it's incredible. We also smoke
28:20
Speaker 2: pot for the first time.
28:21
Speaker 4: Together, so that was Actually, that's hilarious.
28:25
Speaker 2: I shouldn't admitted that on the pod, but anyway, anyway, anyway,
28:30
Speaker 2: I wish, I really do that we had seen more
28:33
Speaker 2: of you with Ryan, with your relationship with your kids
28:35
Speaker 2: on the show.
28:35
Speaker 1: I don't know if they are. Maybe they're not interested
28:36
Speaker 1: in being on it.
28:38
Speaker 5: So my son is a senior in college, so he's
28:40
Speaker 5: not you know.
28:41
Speaker 6: We filmed our gene typically films from let's call it
28:44
Speaker 6: February to May, and he's in school so he's not here.
28:48
Speaker 5: And then my daughter, twenty years old is has a
28:52
Speaker 5: full time job.
28:53
Speaker 6: So it's tough. Both of them would be interested if
28:55
Speaker 6: they were. Yeah, just tough schedule wise to get seven kids. Hey,
29:00
Speaker 6: we're filming at this time with their lives in school
29:03
Speaker 6: and everything else.
29:04
Speaker 4: Mine, see, this is the difference Jen, like with mine.
29:06
Speaker 3: I can tell Harrison who's at USC like they need
29:09
Speaker 3: to see you, like I need to film with you,
29:11
Speaker 3: so you have to pick a weekend and come home
29:14
Speaker 3: because they you know, producers or whatever. We'll say, like
29:17
Speaker 3: what's question. But when it comes to his kids, I
29:20
Speaker 3: do still feel like there's like a fine line and
29:22
Speaker 3: a boundary that I need to respect as stepmom that
29:26
Speaker 3: his kids have lives and my job is not their job. Right,
29:29
Speaker 3: And so we did have a couple of times they
29:31
Speaker 3: didn't show it, but we had a great couple of
29:34
Speaker 3: like all of the kids and my god, it was
29:36
Speaker 3: like the best morning and everybody was here.
29:39
Speaker 4: So it has happened a couple of times. It just
29:41
Speaker 4: didn't you know, how things get cut.
29:42
Speaker 1: Yeah, So I mean Heather, and Heather's okay with it.
29:49
Speaker 5: Excellent with it. Yeah.
29:50
Speaker 6: I mean, like I said, we're just in different places
29:53
Speaker 6: and stages. So yeah, she's in full support of the
29:57
Speaker 6: kids being a part of it if they want to
29:58
Speaker 6: be a part of it. And she also knows that
30:00
Speaker 6: it's are strong enough to say, yeah I don't really
30:02
Speaker 6: want to I don't want to be a part of
30:03
Speaker 6: it or not today for whatever reason.
30:05
Speaker 5: Yeah, a lot of respect there.
30:07
Speaker 1: Yeah, and will jen is he's been okay with it.
30:10
Speaker 4: Well, he doesn't have a choice, Jen, I mean, I
30:12
Speaker 4: don't need.
30:12
Speaker 1: To make money, right, I need to make the money
30:15
Speaker 1: and so.
30:17
Speaker 3: Yes, And so I think I think Will understands, like
30:19
Speaker 3: in the position he's in right now, that he's not
30:22
Speaker 3: being able to support the way he anticipated. So I
30:25
Speaker 3: think he has no say to be like I don't
30:27
Speaker 3: want you doing this, you know, because he knows that's
30:30
Speaker 3: what provides for the kids and I.
30:31
Speaker 4: So he doesn't say anything. He honestly, you know, it
30:35
Speaker 4: would be so cool. And I've thought about this. I
30:37
Speaker 4: wish they would build like I am so open.
30:40
Speaker 3: I would love to be like you know, Will has
30:42
Speaker 3: this new dynamic in his life with his new girlfriend
30:45
Speaker 3: or not new, but they've been together, and we'll talk
30:47
Speaker 3: about it, like I see who I was married to,
30:50
Speaker 3: and then I see this man with his girlfriend.
30:52
Speaker 4: I'm like, Wow, No, wonder we didn't work.
30:55
Speaker 3: You know, you can that person in that new relationship
30:59
Speaker 3: and they wag their dynamics are in the way our
31:01
Speaker 3: dynamics were. It's so weird to think that Will and
31:03
Speaker 3: I tried for so long to make it work. And
31:06
Speaker 3: I wish we could all be way more friendlier.
31:08
Speaker 4: And open than it's been to me.
31:10
Speaker 3: I hate this on my side, Jen, the co parenting
31:14
Speaker 3: has sucked, like big time and his wife or whatever
31:17
Speaker 3: she is, I've known her for years, Like really, yeah,
31:21
Speaker 3: this was a girl that I just loved pieces and
31:24
Speaker 3: she's got four kids.
31:25
Speaker 1: Do I remember that? Did you talk about that on
31:27
Speaker 1: the show?
31:28
Speaker 4: Yeah, we talked about it briefly.
31:29
Speaker 1: It sounds familiar. Okay, So it's so sad and so.
31:33
Speaker 3: Weird, like why can't like they're so happy, We're so happy?
31:36
Speaker 3: My gosh, looks like y'all do making a prediction.
31:39
Speaker 2: Remember I said this, I am predicting that the four
31:42
Speaker 2: of you are going to be friends whatever that looks like.
31:47
Speaker 2: I can see it comings who because of who the
31:49
Speaker 2: two of you are and maybe even the six of you.
31:51
Speaker 1: Wait, does Heather have a boyfriend for years?
31:56
Speaker 4: His name's Ryan?
31:57
Speaker 5: Two?
31:57
Speaker 1: Are you serious? And do you guys you're all get along?
32:00
Speaker 1: And Jen, of course you do right on our side?
32:04
Speaker 4: Yes, side is easy?
32:06
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's coming. I feel like you're
32:09
Speaker 2: I know, but I feel like it's coming. How were
32:12
Speaker 2: you able to not discuss the issues about money with
32:15
Speaker 2: the kids or did it just no?
32:16
Speaker 3: I tell them, they yeah, no, no, no, in the beginning,
32:21
Speaker 3: But now it's very We're just very open. Listen, I'm
32:24
Speaker 3: not trash talking their father. And when I talk, I
32:27
Speaker 3: know you about it. I talk about Dad's in the spot. Dad,
32:30
Speaker 3: Dad's in the spot. Dad's not able to commit to
32:33
Speaker 3: what he needs to right now. So we're not doing
32:35
Speaker 3: Chick fil A five times this week, or you know,
32:38
Speaker 3: Grayson will be like, I need gas and he'll say,
32:40
Speaker 3: do you want me to ask Dad? And I always say, sure,
32:42
Speaker 3: try Dad, But if it doesn't work, you.
32:44
Speaker 4: Know, coming.
32:46
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right you guys.
32:48
Speaker 2: So I have definitely been hitting you with a lot
32:50
Speaker 2: of questions. I'm sorry I have a lot more. So
32:53
Speaker 2: we are going to have to come back with a
32:54
Speaker 2: part two.