Latest / I Do, Part 2 / Is Gentle Parenting Spoiling Our Kids? Experts Say There’s A Better Way,  It’s Called “The Aquarium Approach

Transcript

Is Gentle Parenting Spoiling Our Kids? Experts Say There’s A Better Way,  It’s Called “The Aquarium Approach · I Do, Part 2

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: Hey there, folks. It is Saturday, September 12th. It sounds
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: so lovely. Gentle parenting. Who wouldn't want to be a
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: gentle parent? What kid wouldn't want a gentle parent? Well,
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: if you're one, you are screwing up your kid. And
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: with that, welcome to this episode of Amy and TJ
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: as we continue on this relationship Saturday. If you've checked
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: out Our feed, we started this morning, Robes, talking about
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: beige flags in relationships. We followed that up with talking
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: about public relationships, excuse me, public breakups and asking for
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: divorces via Instagram. Both of those are on our feed
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: just before this story. Be sure to check that one out. But, Robes,
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: you're bringing another one to me, and this is something
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: we've been talking about quite a bit lately.
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so this was so interesting. We actually had dinner
• 0:50
  Speaker 2: with a friend of yours who was complaining about... watching
• 0:55
  Speaker 2: his grandchild being raised in a very different way than
• 0:59
  Speaker 2: he raised his child and how many of us were raised.
• 1:03
  Speaker 2: And he has, I think he even said like it,
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: my grandchild's becoming a spoiled, whatever. I don't know if
• 1:10
  Speaker 2: he put a label on it, but a lot of
• 1:11
  Speaker 2: people would say spoiled brat. And so we were having
• 1:14
  Speaker 2: this funny conversation about how we were raised and how
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: we were trying to raise our kids and how this
• 1:19
  Speaker 2: new generation of kids is has a very different mindset.
• 1:24
  Speaker 2: And yes, it's oftentimes called gentle parenting. So we're having
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: this conversation.
• 1:28
  Speaker 3: And I pulled up the New York Times and they
• 1:30
  Speaker 3: had an entire article on this because yes, a grandfather
• 1:36
  Speaker 3: wrote in saying, what am I supposed to do?
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: I am watching. This was his stepdaughter ruin my grandchild's life.
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: Okay. First, is that the actual uh, official title of it.
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: It's called gentle parenting, gentle parenting. Okay. Um, a couple
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: more questions here. Uh, I need to know or ask,
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: do you have an actual definition? Can you define it
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: best you can for me?
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: Uh, so, so here's how they put it. They say
• 2:03
  Speaker 2: that there is, um, there are three different ways to approach.
• 2:09
  Speaker 2: Here's the problem. Here's the scenario. This is what they get.
• 2:11
  Speaker 2: A child's waiting in line at an ice cream truck
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: at the park. And before it's her turn, The treat
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: that she wants is sold out. A parent's response to
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: their child indicates their child rearing style. So either you
• 2:25
  Speaker 2: have a fishbowl approach, you have an ocean approach, or
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: an aquarium approach.
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: Okay, help me here. So my kid is at the
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: ice cream truck. They run out of the thing Sabine wants.
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: Yes.
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: Okay.
• 2:38
  Speaker 2: Imagine she's younger, like maybe say she's five or under,
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: and she starts to throw a fit.
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: Okay. Okay, so my reaction to her, and let me
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: know what category I'd fall in. Oh, babe, that sucks.
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: I'm sure they'll have it next time. You sure there's
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: nothing else you want? You don't have to. But yeah,
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: next time, maybe we'll get here a little earlier. Maybe
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: they just won't run out. But if you want anything else, cool.
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: If not, I understand.
• 2:59
  Speaker 2: Babe, you nailed it. I just got chills because you
• 3:02
  Speaker 2: just did the aquarium approach. And that is the approach
• 3:05
  Speaker 2: that parenting experts say is the right way to do it.
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: And you know what? I did the fishbowl approach, and
• 3:13
  Speaker 2: that's more of the authoritarian approach. The gentle parenting is
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: more of the ocean approach and you did the aquarium approach.
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: Let me explain.
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: Yes, please. Thank you.
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: So your approach that you just described is what parenting
• 3:24
  Speaker 2: experts actually recommend. It's called the aquarium approach. This is
• 3:27
  Speaker 2: what they say you would say in response. That's a bummer.
• 3:31
  Speaker 2: And I know you love that flavor. Maybe next time
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: we can get in line earlier. Let's pick something else.
• 3:36
  Speaker 2: What else looks good?
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: Oh my God.
• 3:38
  Speaker 2: That's like literally what you said. The aquarium approach takes
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: the leadership. of the fishbowl approach and combines it with
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: the respect and compassion of the ocean approach. And this
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: combination makes children feel both confident and safe. You nailed it.
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: I told you, I have watched you with Sabine and
• 3:54
  Speaker 2: I am so impressed with how you handle her and
• 3:56
  Speaker 2: how you've handled her moods, how you've handled her even disrespect.
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: And she's not a disrespectful kid, but on the rare occasion,
• 4:03
  Speaker 2: she acts up and she hardly ever does. And she
• 4:06
  Speaker 2: probably doesn't because of how you have parented her. And
• 4:09
  Speaker 2: I actually read this and thought, Holy hell, That's how
• 4:12
  Speaker 2: TJ parents. And you just literally almost said it word
• 4:16
  Speaker 2: for word.
• 4:16
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 4:17
  Speaker 2: Here's the gentle parenting approach to that same scenario. Oh no,
• 4:21
  Speaker 2: this is so hard. Can you tell me what you're feeling?
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: Are you mad? Are you sad? Let's talk about your
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: mad and sad feelings. I have seen, I watched a
• 4:30
  Speaker 2: parent do this. I told you and your friend in
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: our conversation at a restaurant last week, a kid was
• 4:38
  Speaker 2: screaming because he wanted something that the mom couldn't give.
• 4:41
  Speaker 2: She got down and kneeled and right in his face
• 4:45
  Speaker 2: in front of all of us in this restaurant who
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: were trying to eat and he is continuing to scream.
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: She's like, what do you need, sweetie? I see you're
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: really frustrated. Why are you so frustrated right now? How
• 4:54
  Speaker 2: can mom help?
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: Was I not there?
• 4:56
  Speaker 2: No, I was with Nikki. And I was about to
• 4:59
  Speaker 2: blow a gasket. And the kid did not calm down.
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: The kid kept screaming. And it went on far too long.
• 5:05
  Speaker 2: And I wanted to go over there and give the
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: kid a spanking.
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: What is that called?
• 5:09
  Speaker 2: Gentle parenting. It's leaning into their emotions and validating their
• 5:13
  Speaker 2: feelings at all costs.
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: Well, I'm going back to the aquarium and the fishbowl
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: and the something. Does that fall into one of those categories?
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: The ocean approach. This is the gentle parenting.
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: It's the ocean thing.
• 5:23
  Speaker 2: That's the ocean approach. Basically, so they say a lot
• 5:29
  Speaker 2: of times these are parents who grew up the way
• 5:31
  Speaker 2: we grew up, and they try to create an open,
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: flexible household for their children, but they take it too far.
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: Every interaction is thoroughly discussed, and they lean way too
• 5:41
  Speaker 2: much into their children's feelings, but it deprives the child
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: of moving through their feelings in a productive way. It
• 5:48
  Speaker 2: lets them actually overindulge in the emotions. And you're like,
• 5:53
  Speaker 2: in an effort to validate your kid's feelings, you turn
• 5:57
  Speaker 2: them into spoiled brats who are screaming because, by the way,
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: when they're like, ah, and they're upset, you're leaning into that.
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: It's okay to feel that way. And you validate their feelings.
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: I believe that is what your friend was describing watching
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: his granddaughter, just constantly being validated for their emotions, this
• 6:13
  Speaker 2: gentle parenting. It's like it's turning the kid into a
• 6:16
  Speaker 2: spoiled brat.
• 6:17
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: What is the other side to that? I am sure
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: there's got to be some child therapist out there, some
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: parenting expert who is promoting this. Talk to your kids
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: about how they feel. Talk to them through it. Let
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: them sit and let them know their emotions are okay.
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: I don't know the other side to that.
• 6:36
  Speaker 2: The other side to that is the way you and
• 6:38
  Speaker 2: I were raised, and honestly, probably the way I raised
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: my kids more so than most, and that's the fishbowl approach.
• 6:44
  Speaker 2: So same scenario, kids upset, they don't have the ice cream.
• 6:48
  Speaker 2: treat that she wanted. Stop pouting. If you pout, you're
• 6:52
  Speaker 2: not going to get any ice cream and we're leaving
• 6:54
  Speaker 2: the park. That's probably what I would have said.
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: That's mean parenting.
• 6:59
  Speaker 3: I know.
• 6:59
  Speaker 2: Well, but it was kind of like eat it and
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: shut up or deal with it or buck up Roebuck
• 7:04
  Speaker 2: or look. And I think a lot of, I mean,
• 7:05
  Speaker 2: that's how I was raised. Like kind of a tough
• 7:07
  Speaker 2: love approach where you're going to learn discipline. You're going
• 7:11
  Speaker 2: to control your emotions right now or we're leaving. And
• 7:14
  Speaker 2: I have very German. Yes.
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: And yes, maybe.
• 7:17
  Speaker 2: And that's how I was raised. And I remember I
• 7:19
  Speaker 2: have left. I didn't have to do it often, but
• 7:22
  Speaker 2: Ava was a she's a big personality. And I I said,
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: if you do this again, you know, we are leaving.
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: She did it again. Now I have to leave. So, boom,
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: I have left a restaurant. I have left a dentist
• 7:32
  Speaker 2: office and I have. left a shopping mall. I have
• 7:35
  Speaker 2: three specific moments where I remember I was very strict.
• 7:38
  Speaker 2: She did it again and I had to leave. Then
• 7:41
  Speaker 2: she's screaming and crying. I had to put her in
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: timeout for 45 minutes. Obviously what I was doing was
• 7:45
  Speaker 2: not effective, but I thought it was what was effective
• 7:48
  Speaker 2: because it's what I knew. And what they say is
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: this is an authoritarian style of parenting. And yes, you
• 7:53
  Speaker 2: might get results short term. The child obeys, but out
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: of fear and not because they're learning a lesson. This
• 8:01
  Speaker 2: leaves the child feeling dismissed. and shamed for having a
• 8:05
  Speaker 2: normal feeling of disappointment. And these children might also grow
• 8:08
  Speaker 2: up to struggle to develop skills needed to self-regulate and
• 8:12
  Speaker 2: make good choices because they've relied on others to manage
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: their behavior. This like sent a light bulb off on me.
• 8:19
  Speaker 2: And I've actually talked to the girls. I'm like, have I,
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: did I not validate your feelings? I always tried to
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: do it a My go-to was to be an authoritarian,
• 8:27
  Speaker 2: to be strict, to be the disciplinarian. I tried to
• 8:30
  Speaker 2: show a little love, but I also didn't want to
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: make my kids soft, spoiled brats. That was what was
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: in my head. So it's so interesting. And so a
• 8:38
  Speaker 2: lot of people, they say, who were raised with this
• 8:41
  Speaker 2: fishbowl approach didn't want to do that to their kids,
• 8:44
  Speaker 2: but they go to the other extreme, to this gentle parenting,
• 8:47
  Speaker 2: to this ocean approach where you just, all you do
• 8:50
  Speaker 2: is validate their feelings and allow them to explore their
• 8:53
  Speaker 2: feelings and.
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: I'm trying to find the good in that. Because what
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: you're saying sounds pleasant. A kid is upset. Let's explore
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: your feelings. You want to talk to me about how
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: you're feeling.
• 9:04
  Speaker 2: I guess that's... You're not giving them tools to move
• 9:07
  Speaker 2: through their feelings in a productive way. I thought that
• 9:10
  Speaker 2: was so well put. That is exactly what the issue is.
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: You have to sit with it. Where were we? I'm
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: thinking about a thing I did with Sabine that jumped out.
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: Three of us were at dinner. This was in Turk's.
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: At the old Gansevoort place. What's the name of it now? Yes, yes.
• 9:28
  Speaker 2: I know exactly what you're talking about.
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: We were at dinner and she had a little attitude
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: of what was going on. And I said, baby, you're
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: welcome to feel how you feel, but you're not going
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: to be allowed to sit here and be rude at dinner.
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: I said, if you want, I offered. I will put
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: you in an Uber and take you back to our house.
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: And then Robach and I are going to continue our
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: dinner here. It's your call. I gave her that agency. Yes,
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: you can feel what you want to feel, but it
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: doesn't give you permission to actually sit here and being
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: an asshole to everybody else. And I remember you looked
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: at me like, what the hell is going on here?
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: But you didn't say it in a mean way.
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: Oh, no.
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: You didn't say it in a threatening way. You weren't angry.
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: You actually were very matter-of-fact and supportive. I was blown away.
• 10:12
  Speaker 2: And you know what she did? She said, no, I'll stay.
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: And within two to three minutes, she turned it around.
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: And I don't know where that comes from.
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: I was so impressed.
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: I don't know. I didn't study aquarium whatever. So I
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: don't know where that comes from. And I don't remember
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: having that as a kid. I don't remember growing up
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: and my parents certainly didn't ask me about my feelings.
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: I'm 49. They still haven't asked me about my feelings.
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: Did you have more of a German style of parenting?
• 10:42
  Speaker 2: I'm laughing. It's not German style. I guess it's called
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: the fishbowl approach.
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: Just respect for authority. That is my parent. When they
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: say do something, I know to do it. And it
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: wasn't beyond that. So yeah, I never found them to
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: be the fishbowl thing either.
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: So it's funny. This is the metaphor they say. So
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: children get stunted in a fishbowl, meaning like they don't
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: trust their own feelings. They don't trust even their own
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: decision-making at times because they've been told what to do
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: for so long. They say children get lost in an ocean.
• 11:13
  Speaker 2: If it's just lean into your emotions, like, okay, now
• 11:17
  Speaker 2: what you're just, you, you, it's too much about emotions.
• 11:21
  Speaker 2: And they say, but they flourish in an aquarium. And
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: that's the metaphor. Children get lost in an ocean. They
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: get stunted in a fishbowl and they flourish in an aquarium.
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: And so that's a way to remember it. I've never
• 11:35
  Speaker 2: heard it put like that. And I just thought that
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: was such unbelievably good advice that I wish I had
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: had when I was raising my kids. I do ask
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: them all the time. I'm like, I do try to
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: listen to their feelings. And I do appreciate the fact
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: that they will stand up to me and they will
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: say things to me. In a way that I would
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: never have done or said to my parents ever. Maybe
• 11:58
  Speaker 2: too much. You're laughing. You're smiling. But it's one of
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: those things where it's a needle to thread for folks
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: who didn't have that imprinting. And then to know how
• 12:10
  Speaker 2: to try and do your best with kids. Okay, so
• 12:12
  Speaker 2: say you've already raised your kids like me and now
• 12:16
  Speaker 2: you're dealing with potential grandkids or you are, you do
• 12:19
  Speaker 2: have grandkids in your life. What do you do when
• 12:21
  Speaker 2: you see your child doing this ocean type of parenting,
• 12:26
  Speaker 2: this gentle parenting? We've got tips for you too after
• 12:30
  Speaker 2: the break. Welcome back, everyone, to Amy and TJ. This
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: is our Relationship Saturday, and this is about your relationship
• 12:45
  Speaker 2: to your kids, to your grandkids, and it isn't always easy.
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: They say if you are the grandparent, you're watching your
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: child gentle parent your grandchild and turning your grandchild into
• 12:57
  Speaker 2: a screaming, raving, little, emotional, I hate to use the
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: word brat, but I guess is there another way to
• 13:03
  Speaker 2: put it? Monster.
• 13:04
  Speaker 3: Monster.
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: Monster.
• 13:07
  Speaker 2: So it was really cool to see the advice this
• 13:10
  Speaker 2: expert gave this grandfather. She said, the first thing you do,
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: do not point out your differences. Don't say, well, I
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: would do it like this. You will never get a
• 13:19
  Speaker 2: receptive audience from your child. And in this case, the
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: person who wrote it, it was his stepdaughter. So it
• 13:24
  Speaker 2: was even more of a, you didn't necessarily have that
• 13:28
  Speaker 2: That connection where she would just automatically trust that you
• 13:31
  Speaker 2: had her best interest at heart. But they said what
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: you can do is model the kind of parenting that
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: you'd like your child to do. So your granddaughter actually
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: might react to your parenting if you do it in
• 13:46
  Speaker 2: the right way. Because right now, she might think you're
• 13:49
  Speaker 2: mean or... criticizing her. Like she might not be receptive.
• 13:53
  Speaker 2: So they say, if you are friendly and non-combative, and
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: that will make her more inclined to trust you and
• 14:00
  Speaker 2: to be more receptive to your approach. You can't control
• 14:03
  Speaker 2: how your child raises your grandchild, obviously, but you can
• 14:07
  Speaker 2: control how you show up in the family dynamic. So
• 14:10
  Speaker 2: they say, if your granddaughter is pouting or throwing a fit,
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: don't react to that, but instead redirect her and say,
• 14:17
  Speaker 2: let's play a game and just Get her out of
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: that emotion. Just basically take her over to her. Still
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: be warm, but don't react if she continues to reject
• 14:29
  Speaker 2: you or continues to pout.
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: Just be warm.
• 14:32
  Speaker 2: I believe, how old did he say the grandchild was?
• 14:36
  Speaker 2: She's five years old. Oh, excuse me.
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: Nope.
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: She's been a single mother for five years. The child
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: is 10. Okay, so that's an older child. So they said,
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: you can't go in and go hard and start disciplining
• 14:51
  Speaker 2: the child. That will never, ever work as a grandparent.
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: What you have to do is create a relationship where
• 14:56
  Speaker 2: you're trusted, where you're warm and you're kind, but you
• 14:59
  Speaker 2: aren't reacting to the bad behavior. You're not inviting more
• 15:02
  Speaker 2: bad behavior. You're not saying, oh, sweetie, what can I do?
• 15:06
  Speaker 2: You just distract and you redirect. And then you just
• 15:10
  Speaker 2: establish this type of warmth and trust. I'm not going
• 15:14
  Speaker 2: to put up with this type of behavior, but in
• 15:17
  Speaker 2: a kind way. And how you do that is just say,
• 15:20
  Speaker 2: let's go outside. Would you like to take a walk?
• 15:22
  Speaker 2: And then when your daughter sees you really trying to
• 15:26
  Speaker 2: create a bond with her child, she might be more
• 15:29
  Speaker 2: receptive to seeing how you're doing. And honestly, me watching
• 15:32
  Speaker 2: you and how you have handled Sabine, I see the trust.
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: I see the warmth. And that makes everyone feel more
• 15:41
  Speaker 2: receptive to a different type of parenting.
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: Is there a regional element to this? Is there some
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: area of the country that might be more prone to
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: gentle parenting?
• 15:55
  Speaker 2: I didn't see that, and that's a good question.
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: I'm just curious.
• 15:58
  Speaker 2: They do say that this does tend to be this
• 16:00
  Speaker 2: Gen Z generation. Um, that is reacting to what most
• 16:06
  Speaker 2: of us who are Gen Xers, I don't know where
• 16:09
  Speaker 2: the millennials fall into this, but a lot of us
• 16:11
  Speaker 2: were raised with more of an authoritarian parenting style. That
• 16:14
  Speaker 2: was the thing to do in the seventies, maybe even
• 16:18
  Speaker 2: in the eighties where yes, tough love discipline. That's how
• 16:22
  Speaker 2: they were raised. They want you to be the best.
• 16:25
  Speaker 2: They push you to get the good grades and to
• 16:27
  Speaker 2: be achievers. That was how we were raised. And you
• 16:31
  Speaker 2: and I were raised fairly similarly. We had corporal punishment.
• 16:34
  Speaker 2: We had that conversation around the table as well. I
• 16:36
  Speaker 2: believe all of us who are in our 40s and 50s,
• 16:39
  Speaker 2: all sitting at that table, all had been spanked. Every
• 16:42
  Speaker 2: single one of us.
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: Some of us were whooped. It's a black-white thing, ain't it?
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: Y'all got spankings, we got whoopings.
• 16:48
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I guess it's just a different way to say it,
• 16:50
  Speaker 2: different way to describe it. But it's now, now those
• 16:53
  Speaker 2: of us who were raised that way are dealing with
• 16:55
  Speaker 2: children who are raising their kids exceptionally different. And the
• 16:59
  Speaker 2: point being, there is a different way to do it.
• 17:02
  Speaker 2: There's a middle ground.
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: It sounds like we're all getting it wrong for the
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: most part.
• 17:06
  Speaker 2: Yeah, except for you.
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: Well, generally. I don't know. You do the best you
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: can and hope your kid comes out okay. That's kind
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: of it. What works for me and my child might
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: not work with somebody else and their child. But I
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: have actually never seen and I don't know some... Seen
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: out somewhere. I don't know anybody personally that I've seen
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: raise their child like that. Gentle parenting to be that
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: kind of.
• 17:28
  Speaker 2: I have.
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I haven't seen it.
• 17:30
  Speaker 2: I have seen... In your life. Oh, I won't name anyone,
• 17:33
  Speaker 2: but I have seen plenty of my friends... letting their
• 17:35
  Speaker 2: children basically control and dominate all aspects of their life,
• 17:40
  Speaker 2: all their conversations. Adults have to stop talking because the
• 17:43
  Speaker 2: child comes back every three minutes demanding a new snack.
• 17:47
  Speaker 2: And I'm about to lose my mind because I was
• 17:49
  Speaker 2: the opposite of that. But I understand I have to
• 17:52
  Speaker 2: respect that everyone chooses to raise their kids differently, but
• 17:55
  Speaker 2: I can then choose not to be around those children.
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: Don't bring them kids to my house. Raise them that
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: way in your home because they are causing a hell
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: in my place.
• 18:02
  Speaker 2: And I think everyone listening has a friend, a daughter,
• 18:06
  Speaker 2: a sister, somebody who's raising their kids that way, and
• 18:10
  Speaker 2: they are exceptionally difficult to be around. And I always
• 18:13
  Speaker 2: say little kids, little problems, big kids, big problems. And
• 18:16
  Speaker 2: so I just, I love this aquarium approach. That's a bummer.
• 18:22
  Speaker 2: I know you love that flavor. Maybe next time we
• 18:24
  Speaker 2: can get in line earlier. Let's pick something else. What
• 18:27
  Speaker 2: else looks good?
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: Oh my God, I'm laughing. I gave that word for word. Almost.
• 18:32
  Speaker 2: And you did not see this ahead of time. But
• 18:35
  Speaker 2: the bottom line is kids need empathy, but they also
• 18:38
  Speaker 2: need limits. And you have to be able to give
• 18:41
  Speaker 2: them both. And you empower them by letting them choose
• 18:45
  Speaker 2: to calm down and guiding them. But you don't demand it.
• 18:49
  Speaker 2: You don't threaten them with punishment. And that is what
• 18:53
  Speaker 2: I believe I did. If you don't do this, we're leaving.
• 18:55
  Speaker 2: If you don't do this, you're going to time out.
• 18:57
  Speaker 2: And I did what I thought was effective at the time,
• 19:00
  Speaker 2: but there was a better way. There was a better way.
• 19:04
  Speaker 2: There is a better way.
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: You did the best you could. But I guess my
• 19:07
  Speaker 1: idea is to always give the kid the option. Like,
• 19:11
  Speaker 1: you're upset. That's fine. But you're not going to be
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: upset and ruin everybody else's day. You can go back
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: to your room and be upset. I always give that
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: space and that option for, I don't just say, straighten up.
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: You've got to stand here and stop looking at it.
• 19:24
  Speaker 2: See, and that's awesome. So you validated feelings, but then
• 19:28
  Speaker 2: you also created limits.
• 19:29
  Speaker 1: Yes.
• 19:29
  Speaker 2: That is the key. And so, yes, we can model
• 19:32
  Speaker 2: that behavior with even our grandkids when we choose to
• 19:35
  Speaker 2: do so. Even if we didn't get it right with
• 19:38
  Speaker 2: our kids, there's always the next time.
• 19:40
  Speaker 1: That's why grandparents are so good. Right. Because they didn't
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: screwed it up once. We all mess it up again.
• 19:46
  Speaker 2: All right. Hope this helps some of y'all out there.
• 19:49
  Speaker 2: And with that everyone I'm Amy Robach alongside TJ Holmes
• 19:52
  Speaker 2: we'll talk soon