Latest / Midlife Rising / 52: Why You Keep Circling the Life You Want (And Never Land It)

Transcript

52: Why You Keep Circling the Life You Want (And Never Land It) · Midlife Rising

• 0:00
  Jen: Welcome.
• 0:01
  Jen: This is the Midlife Rising podcast.
• 0:03
  Jen: Have you ever felt like you were circling something, but just couldn't seem to let it land?
• 0:10
  Jen: Maybe it's a new direction for your career or a new side hustle idea, something you've wanted to learn or start, but you just can't seem to move forward with it.
• 0:23
  Jen: It's like there's this little person on your shoulder who's poking you and poking you and just won't let it go until you do the thing, but you just don't do the thing.
• 0:35
  Jen: If that's you, then this episode is for you.
• 0:38
  Jen: Jenna and I talk about the reasons you think you're not doing it and the real subconscious reasons that are standing in your way and how to actually let it all land.
• 0:50
  Jen: So if you're curious about that, stay tuned.
• 0:54
  Jen: You're a woman over 40 who spent your life being the one who holds it all together.
• 0:58
  Jen: But now your body's changing and your soul is done pretending everything is fine.
• 1:03
  Jen: Welcome to Midlife Rising.
• 1:06
  Jen: We're your hosts, Sherry and Jen, twin sisters and modern medicine women, here to help you rewire your stress response, balance your hormones, and reclaim your feminine power.
• 1:16
  Jen: Every episode is a rebellion against the rules you never agreed to and a return to yourself.
• 1:21
  Jen: Join us where midlife isn't a crisis, it's a catalyst.
• 1:26
  Jen: I'm so excited, Sherry.
• 1:27
  Jen: Can we just dig right into this topic?
• 1:31
  Jen: Yes.
• 1:32
  Jen: Yeah, let's go.
• 1:33
  Jen: No chit-chat today.
• 1:35
  Jen: I was starting, I was thinking about what inspired this episode.
• 1:40
  Jen: So let's start with that.
• 1:43
  Jen: And that is that we keep hearing from women that they are, they don't use the word circling something, but that they want to do something.
• 1:54
  Jen: They want to do what they really, really want.
• 1:58
  Jen: And they don't feel like they can.
• 2:01
  Jen: Mm-hmm.
• 2:03
  Jen: And we're gonna, I have felt this myself.
• 2:06
  Jen: Me too.
• 2:07
  Jen: I still kind of grapple with it a little bit, as you know.
• 2:11
  Jen: Actually, you are, because you have a side hustle and all you really want to do is this work, right?
• 2:16
  Jen: Mm-hmm.
• 2:16
  Jen: Yeah.
• 2:17
  Jen: I want to let go of my side hustle and focus 100% on this.
• 2:22
  Jen: And there's all kinds of things that are keeping me from doing that.
• 2:28
  Jen: And that is the exact same position a lot of the women that are coming to us are in.
• 2:35
  Jen: So let's talk about why don't we use your example, Cher?
• 2:38
  Jen: So you want to quit your side hustle and you want to do this work that we're doing, this coaching work, this um, these retreats that we do.
• 2:48
  Jen: Um, you want to do this full-time and yet you don't feel like you can take the leap.
• 2:53
  Jen: Why?
• 2:54
  Jen: Yes.
• 2:55
  Jen: And well, and can I just give a bit of backstory?
• 2:58
  Jen: Because this has been going on since 2012.
• 3:05
  Jen: Uh bet you there's a lot of women that would be happy to hear that.
• 3:08
  Jen: That they're not the only ones who have been waiting, like sitting on the idea for 10 years or more.
• 3:13
  Jen: Yeah.
• 3:14
  Jen: Yeah.
• 3:15
  Jen: And for me, it started with just, I've always had this niggling feeling that there's more for me.
• 3:22
  Jen: That my corporate job wasn't, it was, it didn't give me enough sense of fulfillment or meaning.
• 3:31
  Jen: It didn't feel like a really meaningful job.
• 3:34
  Jen: And I won't go into all the details of what I was doing and what my side hustle now is.
• 3:39
  Jen: But I just I kept searching and searching until finally one day I was like, well, what do I really enjoy doing?
• 3:48
  Jen: Like maybe this big mission thing isn't going to appear.
• 3:54
  Jen: I just need to take one step.
• 3:56
  Jen: And so I took one step, and that led to another step and another step.
• 4:01
  Jen: And then, you know, fast forward to 2026, and I still have like one hand in my in that corporate pie and one in this other business that we're that we've been working on and has been evolving since 2014 because I started with nutrition way back then.
• 4:28
  Jen: Nutrition counseling and nutrition.
• 4:32
  Jen: Yeah.
• 4:33
  Jen: That was the first step.
• 4:35
  Jen: I started taking courses.
• 4:36
  Jen: And then I became, I got registered as a nutritionist in 2014 and started, and then that business started to evolve, and now we are where we are now, and I still haven't let go of the corporate work.
• 4:51
  Jen: So I know that I want to take the leap, but there's all kinds of fears.
• 5:00
  Jen: There's stuff going on between me and my husband.
• 5:04
  Jen: There's like financials, there's all kinds of things that are keeping me from doing it.
• 5:11
  Jen: And maybe that's where we want to go now, Jen, is these are some of the things that are keeping me from doing like going all in.
• 5:22
  Jen: And yeah, I think the it's not, I think there's a longer list than what I'm saying.
• 5:28
  Jen: So one thing that that hap is going on for me is well, I want to maintain the lifestyle that I have right now.
• 5:37
  Jen: And so I'm worried about the financials of it.
• 5:42
  Jen: Right.
• 5:42
  Jen: Of course.
• 5:43
  Jen: Of of my business versus letting go of the other stuff.
• 5:48
  Jen: Yeah.
• 5:49
  Jen: There's the expectations that my husband has of me to contribute to our household income.
• 5:56
  Jen: Mm-hmm.
• 5:56
  Jen: There's I'm sure that is felt by many people.
• 6:01
  Jen: Mm-hmm.
• 6:03
  Jen: There's also like his expectations of my time.
• 6:08
  Jen: What do you mean?
• 6:09
  Jen: So well, I tend to want to do my side hustle, what I call my side hustle, my my kind of corporate consulting work, on like outside of this.
• 6:26
  Jen: And so quite often I'll end up doing something on a weekend or in an evening, or you know, he wants to take the afternoon off and drive down to Toronto for something.
• 6:38
  Jen: And I'm like, well, I gotta work.
• 6:44
  Jen: So he has expectations of me that if I'm running my own business, which I am on both sides, actually, that I should be able to have more time and flexibility.
• 6:54
  Jen: And yes, I should, but because I'm running two, I don't, I often don't feel like I can.
• 7:01
  Jen: Yeah.
• 7:02
  Jen: So it's taking time away from what he wants to do, what he wants us to do together.
• 7:08
  Jen: Yeah.
• 7:08
  Jen: And Cher, I bet you a lot of women feel that um, regardless of whether they're holding down two different things, and regardless of whether those expectations are real.
• 7:21
  Jen: Like in your case, Mike does have some of those expectations, but a lot of the time, with me, for at least some of it, I didn't get that same pressure from Sherwin.
• 7:34
  Jen: Um I did eventually over time I did, but um, but at first it was just my guilt, actually.
• 7:40
  Jen: Like he wasn't putting on the pressure for me to contribute and go get a job.
• 7:46
  Jen: It was guilt, is what I the way that I would word it, that I wasn't contributing enough.
• 7:52
  Jen: Mm-hmm.
• 7:53
  Jen: Yeah.
• 7:54
  Jen: And Jen, some of the other things that we haven't mentioned yet are maybe around, you know, fears around can I actually do this?
• 8:07
  Jen: Like, will I be good at this?
• 8:08
  Jen: Will it succeed if I do this other thing?
• 8:11
  Jen: Absolutely.
• 8:12
  Jen: Will it succeed?
• 8:14
  Jen: Um, waiting till, like you said, waiting till the end game shows itself.
• 8:21
  Jen: Like, oh, yes.
• 8:23
  Jen: Needing to have the whole plan about how am I gonna do this instead of taking just one step toward it.
• 8:33
  Jen: Because, and I know I feel this way too.
• 8:35
  Jen: Like I was like, well, how am I gonna make money every month?
• 8:37
  Jen: How am I gonna, what's the whole business gonna look like?
• 8:40
  Jen: What am I gonna, even if it's like, I know one person who, one woman who um she said, I actually just want to start a yoga studio.
• 8:50
  Jen: Can I just do that?
• 8:51
  Jen: And I was I said, Well, yeah.
• 8:54
  Jen: But before she takes one step, she wants to have the whole plan.
• 8:59
  Jen: And it's like, well, it one step could just be, why don't you go see what it would cost to rent a space?
• 9:06
  Jen: Just see.
• 9:08
  Jen: You don't have to do anything with it.
• 9:09
  Jen: The worst that can happen is you spend a bit of time researching places and going to see it.
• 9:16
  Jen: So we sort of wait until we feel ready.
• 9:23
  Jen: And the ready never comes because the whole plan is never there and it changes and it evolves, as we know.
• 9:29
  Jen: Mm-hmm.
• 9:30
  Jen: Yep.
• 9:32
  Jen: The other thing coming back to well, maybe this isn't even specific to the partner, your partner, your husband getting support.
• 9:44
  Jen: So we think we need to have everybody on board with us before we can feel confident in the idea.
• 9:52
  Jen: Yeah.
• 9:53
  Jen: So if somebody says, uh, that sounds like a dumb idea, or maybe not now, maybe someday.
• 10:03
  unknown: Yeah.
• 10:03
  Jen: And then it doesn't usually come out like that.
• 10:05
  Jen: It usually comes out as, well, how are you going to support yourself financially?
• 10:10
  Jen: Yeah, but if it's somebody outside of your husband, well, yes, that's what I mean.
• 10:14
  Jen: Like you don't usually confide in a friend and they say that's a dumb idea.
• 10:17
  Jen: They say, Well, how would you support yourself financially?
• 10:19
  Jen: Or like, well, how would you do this?
• 10:21
  Jen: How would you do that?
• 10:22
  Jen: It comes up as questions.
• 10:25
  Jen: And then that leads to doubt, doubt, self-doubt.
• 10:28
  Jen: Yeah, exactly.
• 10:29
  Jen: We've kind of given examples of businesses as the thing we're circling, but that's not actually just it.
• 10:40
  Jen: It could be, it could be a business that you want to start or a different career that you want to dive into.
• 10:49
  Jen: And it could also be just, I don't know, taking up guitar.
• 10:55
  Jen: Yeah.
• 10:56
  Jen: Or something completely different that you just you want to do, but you keep putting it off.
• 11:04
  Jen: You keep saying, well, I'll do that when I retire, because that's when I'm going to have time.
• 11:08
  Jen: Or I'll I'll do it when.
• 11:12
  Jen: I have to say, Cher, that is one of the biggest misconceptions about doing what you truly desire.
• 11:18
  Jen: It's that I'll have time later.
• 11:20
  Jen: Exactly.
• 11:21
  Jen: And and it's not even always when I retire.
• 11:24
  Jen: It's I'll have time when this project's done.
• 11:25
  Jen: I'll have time when my kids leave the house.
• 11:27
  Jen: I'll have time when my kids are can drive themselves.
• 11:31
  Jen: Um when work slows down in January, in the summer when work is slower, then I'll have time.
• 11:37
  Jen: And then you just keep saying, I'll do it when?
• 11:42
  Jen: Forever.
• 11:43
  Jen: Yeah.
• 11:44
  Jen: Yes.
• 11:45
  Jen: And this is maybe a good moment to plug our virtual retreat that is coming up on in September.
• 11:53
  Jen: Oh, true, yes.
• 11:55
  Jen: On how to take back your time for you.
• 12:00
  Jen: We call it alchemizing time.
• 12:03
  Jen: And so the link to that will be in the show notes and all the details around that virtual retreat.
• 12:10
  Jen: It would just because we're talking about time and this misconception around, well, I'll have time when the kids go off to school.
• 12:16
  Jen: I'll have time when.
• 12:17
  Jen: Yeah.
• 12:18
  Jen: And we actually don't.
• 12:20
  Jen: It's such a huge it keeps us from doing the things we want to do.
• 12:25
  Jen: Yeah.
• 12:26
  Jen: Absolutely.
• 12:27
  Jen: So um where do we want to go next?
• 12:32
  Jen: What's the real reason we're not we're not doing the things?
• 12:37
  Jen: What are the if we can maybe sum it up?
• 12:40
  Jen: There's one that we really want to get to, but there's there's fears around doing the thing.
• 12:48
  Jen: Fear of not being successful, fear of not having enough money, fear, all kinds of fears.
• 12:54
  Jen: Being judged.
• 12:55
  Jen: It's not gonna work.
• 12:55
  Jen: Yeah, what's everybody gonna say?
• 12:58
  Jen: Um, I'm gonna waste time.
• 13:00
  Jen: I'm gonna start it and then it's not gonna work, and then I'm gonna waste time, which is another thing we talk about in time alchemy in in our retreats.
• 13:09
  Jen: Um so all kinds of fears, absolutely.
• 13:14
  Jen: And then, of course, share, like, and some of those, let me stop there for a sec.
• 13:18
  Jen: Some of that is sitting in your nervous system.
• 13:20
  Jen: So you get anxious, and your nervous system revs up and says, no, no, that's not safe.
• 13:27
  Jen: Putting myself out there isn't safe.
• 13:29
  Jen: Um, whatever it is.
• 13:33
  Jen: So it's not even just a conscious fear, it can be a very deeply unconscious fear that is stopping you and almost sabotaging you from doing the thing.
• 13:46
  Jen: Mm-hmm.
• 13:48
  Jen: 100%.
• 13:49
  Jen: And alongside that, and of course linked is subconscious beliefs about yourself, about whether it could work, uh, which comes down to things.
• 14:01
  Jen: There's a million of them.
• 14:04
  Jen: It could be let's say you want to start a new business.
• 14:09
  Jen: I'm not a good business person.
• 14:13
  Jen: I'm too shy for sales.
• 14:15
  Jen: Sales are sleazy.
• 14:18
  Jen: How could I ever start my own business when I'd have to sell it?
• 14:21
  Jen: Selling myself feels icky, for lack of a better word.
• 14:26
  Jen: Um, subconscious fears about I like about power, like having that much power to do this thing.
• 14:34
  Jen: If it's taking up the piano, I'm not good enough.
• 14:39
  Jen: Mm-hmm.
• 14:42
  Jen: And do I even deserve this?
• 14:44
  Jen: To take, do I deserve?
• 14:47
  Jen: Actually, this is something that has come up with one of our clients.
• 14:49
  Jen: Like, does it, it's that sounds like fun to me.
• 14:53
  Jen: So do I deserve to have a job or a business that is actually fun that I enjoy doing?
• 15:01
  Jen: Oh, goodness.
• 15:02
  Jen: Subconsciously.
• 15:03
  Jen: Yeah.
• 15:03
  Jen: And we know somebody's no work isn't supposed to be fun.
• 15:06
  Jen: Yeah.
• 15:06
  Jen: And we know someone who doesn't want to get paid for something that she's doing that's fun.
• 15:10
  Jen: Cause she's like, well, no, this is fun for me.
• 15:12
  Jen: I don't see this as work.
• 15:13
  Jen: I shouldn't get paid for this.
• 15:14
  Jen: And that's a belief.
• 15:16
  Jen: Cause there are people in this world that get paid millions of dollars for things that they love.
• 15:21
  Jen: Like acting.
• 15:22
  Jen: Yeah.
• 15:22
  Jen: Like playing playing baseball.
• 15:25
  Jen: Yeah.
• 15:25
  Jen: Playing a sport, playing music, um, coaching.
• 15:29
  Jen: Like we get paid for something that we love.
• 15:32
  Jen: Like when I come out of a theta coaching session, I'm so fulfilled.
• 15:39
  Jen: And sometimes, yeah, I believe I shouldn't get paid for that, but at other times I'm like, well, I'm adding value and I'm helping this person.
• 15:47
  Jen: So why shouldn't I get paid?
• 15:52
  Jen: Well, and why should why shouldn't people get paid for doing good work and work that helps the world?
• 16:05
  Jen: I know.
• 16:06
  Jen: But we're quite happy to pay somebody for creating video games.
• 16:12
  Jen: Yeah.
• 16:13
  Jen: Or um, like which I'm yes, there probably are some, you know, simulations and that sort of thing are helpful for the world, but I don't know.
• 16:23
  Jen: Like there's there's things that are completely not helpful for the world, and yet we will happily pay for them.
• 16:29
  Jen: Yeah.
• 16:30
  Jen: And so, okay, so those are some, oh, some of the many subconscious beliefs that might stop you from doing it.
• 16:40
  Jen: And then so the third and perhaps the most important and hardest to get to is you're not holding the identity yet of that thing you want to do.
• 16:56
  Jen: Yes.
• 16:56
  Jen: And this is the key things that we wanted to talk about today.
• 17:03
  Jen: Um, we missed one, but we'll come back to it.
• 17:05
  Jen: Okay, let's talk about identity.
• 17:08
  Jen: So and how that keeps us like not stepping into the identity.
• 17:11
  Jen: Maybe give us an example, Jen, of if we're not stepping into the identity of the thing we want to become.
• 17:18
  Jen: Yeah.
• 17:19
  Jen: So how does that stop us?
• 17:21
  Jen: One of the things that I've been really relating to lately is um this woman that we have both just discovered, named Kira Brinton, who um has a publishing company and helps authors to, she calls it, receive their book.
• 17:36
  Jen: And one of the biggest things that she talks about that you have to do before you can write your book is to be the author.
• 17:44
  Jen: So you have to take on the identity of I'm an author before you will ever be able to receive your book.
• 17:53
  Jen: And I relate to that so much because I struggled so much to write my PhD thesis.
• 18:01
  Jen: Because of all this self-doubt.
• 18:05
  Jen: Like every time I sat down to write, there'd be all this self-self-doubt.
• 18:09
  Jen: I would, I would have writer's block, I would sit there with a blank page, or I'd rewrite a sentence a hundred times before I could get anything down.
• 18:17
  Jen: And looking back, I now realize that it was because I didn't see myself as a doctor.
• 18:29
  Jen: I didn't see myself as holding the PhD.
• 18:32
  Jen: And I only finished when our mutual friend and coach, Susan Mason Apps, walked me through an exercise and a meditation to start imagining myself as the person who already had the PhD.
• 18:51
  Jen: So to bring this around, um, there's someone in our network right now that wants to be a chef.
• 19:02
  Jen: Right.
• 19:03
  Jen: And she doesn't she doesn't see herself as a chef yet.
• 19:10
  Jen: She sees herself as this like a cook.
• 19:14
  Jen: A cook, a just a good, a good home cook.
• 19:16
  Jen: I'm a really great, I'm a really great cook.
• 19:18
  Jen: I'm a really she's actually, she might even see herself as a chef, but she doesn't see herself as a chef worthy of being paid for her work.
• 19:26
  Jen: Because she hasn't had like certified training, even though she's been cooking amazing things all her life.
• 19:35
  Jen: Um, so so she's having a really hard time stepping into being a chef at our upcoming retreat in Costa Rica because she doesn't see herself that way yet.
• 19:49
  Jen: She hasn't taken on that identity.
• 19:52
  Jen: And what I like, I want to give her kudos though, is that she's stepping into, she's taking a step to take on that identity by doing this retreat with us.
• 20:03
  Jen: And it's the first time that she has accepted payment for her work as being a chef.
• 20:12
  Jen: Right.
• 20:12
  Jen: So she's taking a she's not quitting her job and like having to have the whole plan, but she's like, Yes, I have this opportunity in front of me to cook for 10 women and I'm gonna do it.
• 20:26
  Jen: Yeah.
• 20:28
  Jen: And from what we've seen, she is able to like plan not just a menu, but a seven-day series of menus, like for every day is different.
• 20:43
  Jen: She's organizing all of like purchasing the food and everything that she's going to need to prepare it in another country.
• 20:53
  Jen: And so she's showing, she's displaying all of these skills that are well beyond, you know, what somebody even just working in a restaurant here might need.
• 21:06
  Jen: So she's already a chef.
• 21:10
  Jen: She just doesn't have the little the letters next to her name, or she hasn't done the course.
• 21:16
  Jen: Yeah.
• 21:17
  Jen: But you and I both know that sometimes we're gonna get a little woo-woo here, but these uh skills or talents, or even, you know, even when it comes to coaching, why do we have to have the certification or the training?
• 21:41
  Jen: Like, can it be just God given?
• 21:45
  Jen: I know.
• 21:45
  Jen: Rebecca Campbell, I think it is that that says you have been training for this for lifetimes.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_01: Mm hmm.
• 21:53
  Jen: And I believe that.
• 21:54
  Jen: I've I'm not using, I'm not drawing on knowledge that I only learned in this lifetime.
• 22:00
  Jen: When I coach somebody.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_01: Mm-hmm.
• 22:03
  Jen: Look at Kira Brenton and the stories that she tells about she's not an author, yet she teaches people how to become authors.
• 22:12
  Jen: Oh, she has she has now.
• 22:14
  Jen: She's written seven books now.
• 22:16
  Jen: Yes.
• 22:17
  Jen: But she when she first started, she was a massage therapist.
• 22:21
  Jen: Yes.
• 22:21
  Jen: And she started a publishing.
• 22:23
  Jen: And started a publishing company.
• 22:25
  Jen: I love that story.
• 22:26
  Jen: It's such a great story.
• 22:28
  Jen: So and we'll put her link.
• 22:30
  Jen: Yeah, we can put some of her information in the show notes.
• 22:33
  Jen: Um yeah.
• 22:36
  Jen: So we some people might just call this a very simple discussion about imposter syndrome.
• 22:42
  Jen: And it's so much more than that because imposter syndrome isn't just about self-doubt.
• 22:50
  Jen: It's all these things put together that we're talking about.
• 22:53
  Jen: It's the fears, the subconscious patterns, the um the identity that we're not stepping into that hold us back from doing all of these things.
• 23:06
  Jen: You know, something that I want to bring up here, Jen, that I think is a big piece of this.
• 23:10
  Jen: There's, there's two, well, there's two things.
• 23:15
  Jen: One is something that I have gotten from James Claire, who wrote Atomic Habits.
• 23:21
  Jen: And we'll drop that link in the show notes as well, because it's a fantastic book.
• 23:24
  Jen: I've read it three times.
• 23:25
  Jen: If you haven't read it, it's good.
• 23:27
  Jen: It's great.
• 23:28
  Jen: Um, what he talks about in there is stepping into the identity of whatever, whatever habit that you are trying to take on or let go of, you have to become the identity.
• 23:42
  Jen: You have to take on the identity.
• 23:44
  Jen: So you hear so often, I'm trying to quit smoking.
• 23:48
  Jen: Right.
• 23:49
  Jen: And as long as you keep trying to become something or trying to do something, you're going to continue to try to do that thing.
• 24:00
  Jen: You're a trier.
• 24:01
  Jen: You suggest that you're a trier.
• 24:03
  Jen: You are not a non-smoker.
• 24:04
  Jen: You're a trier.
• 24:06
  Jen: Right.
• 24:07
  Jen: Until you step into the identity of being a non-smoker, until you can say, I'm a non-smoker, you will continue to try to quit smoking and you will never quit.
• 24:19
  Jen: Yeah.
• 24:20
  Jen: So it's the same thing with, well, I'm trying to find the time to play guitar.
• 24:26
  Jen: But until you actually decide I'm a musician, I play the guitar, I am a guitarist, then you won't take on, like you don't have that identity.
• 24:40
  Jen: So you won't do the thing.
• 24:41
  Jen: You'll just dabble.
• 24:43
  Jen: You'll try.
• 24:45
  Jen: The other thing I wanted to say that is often keeping people from doing even the small things.
• 24:52
  Jen: Like it could be doing what you really want could be just getting more time for yourself to meditate, have a bath, um, like self-care.
• 25:03
  Jen: And one of the things that stops people from having that is selfishness, feeling selfish, feeling guilty for taking that time for themselves.
• 25:11
  Jen: So we miss that one when we're talking about um the things that hold us back from it.
• 25:17
  Jen: And what that, I think that links in with identity as well, because that is it links with the identity that you don't have or that you think you don't have.
• 25:30
  Jen: Like if you subconsciously believe you're not a good enough mom, let's say, and that the way to be a better mom is to do all the things and, you know, be the super mom and make the cupcakes and keep yourself busy doing all these things for your kids with your kids, and you don't believe that taking time for yourself helps you to be a better mom, then you will never be able to do the thing.
• 25:58
  Jen: So if you believe you're not a good mom, subconsciously, even like not you probably don't bel think that consciously, but subconsciously that can stop you.
• 26:12
  Jen: So that's an identity thing.
• 26:14
  Jen: Like I need to prove that I'm a good mom is an identity, it's also a self-worth thing, but um that will stop you from doing all the things that you want to do.
• 26:26
  Jen: Yeah, it's it's over-identifying with the opposite.
• 26:32
  Jen: Like if you put so much weight on being a good mom, or it doesn't being being in corporate, like I'm a corporate, I'm a um, I'm what is the word I'm looking for?
• 26:57
  Jen: Like the I I took on that identity.
• 26:59
  Jen: Like I thought being in corporate sort of made me important.
• 27:01
  Jen: And so I had this identity, like I'm this corporate um professional, and that was an identity that I had.
• 27:12
  Jen: So leaving that was hard.
• 27:15
  Jen: In fact, I got off the ladder and then got back on it because I couldn't part of that was that I couldn't stand this feeling of like, oh, I'm not successful anymore because now I'm building my own business and I don't have this corporate job anymore.
• 27:31
  Jen: Yes.
• 27:32
  Jen: So if there's something that you are identifying with, you have an identity that conflicts with the one you want, then you have to let go of that other identity in order to take on the new one.
• 27:46
  Jen: And that might be hard if you if you place a lot of value on that other identity.
• 27:53
  Jen: So in this case, if you place a lot of value on having a corporate job or on, say, having a title, like a VP or a director or a C level or manager or something, and then you go to your own business and you like you're one person.
• 28:13
  Jen: You're the CEO, but you're also the admin assistant.
• 28:16
  Jen: So if you if you place a lot of value on those other identities that you had, then you won't be able to step into the new one because they conflict with each other.
• 28:28
  Jen: Yeah, you just won't do it.
• 28:30
  Jen: Okay.
• 28:31
  Jen: So, Cher, let's um let's talk about what we can do to facilitate the process of, or maybe not the process, but facilitate stepping into these either new roles, stepping into the thing and doing the thing that we really want to do.
• 28:56
  Jen: Well, number one, you've said already, we talked about the subconscious beliefs and being able to release those or shift them.
• 29:04
  Jen: And that's, I think that's to me, that's number one, because those beliefs are what cause your nervous system to ramp up.
• 29:11
  Jen: Lots of people talk, like there, there's a lot of coaches out there who are talking about nervous system, calming down your nervous system, somatic exercises, all of that stuff.
• 29:21
  Jen: And you can breathe or do those somatic exercises.
• 29:24
  Jen: They're wonderful, they're helpful.
• 29:26
  Jen: But if you keep holding on to the belief that's causing your nervous system to ramp up every time you try to do the thing, then you are it's it's kind of just putting whipped cream on shit.
• 29:38
  Jen: Like yeah.
• 29:40
  Jen: The the nervous system, the somatic exercise that you're trying to do, like why not just get to the root of the problem and release the subconscious belief?
• 29:48
  Jen: Then you don't need the nervous system stuff.
• 29:50
  Jen: I actually don't agree with that entirely.
• 29:52
  Jen: I think it's I don't think it's a cause and effect kind of a thing.
• 29:57
  Jen: Um, okay, explain.
• 29:59
  Jen: Well, so what I recently heard from Kate Northrop actually is that it's actually the nervous system that causes the emotion, which causes the thought.
• 30:08
  Jen: So she says it it's actually the reverse.
• 30:11
  Jen: And from what I have seen in shifting subconscious patterns, is that like, and I know this.
• 30:22
  Jen: So when you shift the subconscious pattern, yes, your nervous system, because your nervous system is what is driven by thoughts of I'm not safe.
• 30:32
  Jen: There's like a problem that needs to be solved from like that, could be from your childhood and your ego.
• 30:41
  Jen: So what I am starting to think, and this in the academic world, this is called systems thinking, is that it's actually sort of a more of a system.
• 30:52
  Jen: It's not a cause and effect kind of a thing.
• 30:53
  Jen: It's like a car.
• 30:54
  Jen: The engine is a whole system.
• 30:56
  Jen: So if something breaks, yes, you can sort of find a cause, but but, or like our bodies are a system.
• 31:03
  Jen: Like we're constantly trying to find a root cause of an ailment.
• 31:07
  Jen: And sometimes there just isn't one because there's a whole bunch of things that are working together.
• 31:12
  Jen: There's hormones, there's glands, there's all these things work together.
• 31:16
  Jen: So our nervous system works with our beliefs.
• 31:20
  Jen: Um, and I think you need to do both.
• 31:23
  Jen: I don't think you can have one without the other.
• 31:26
  Jen: When I shift a belief for myself, I often find that shifting the because the nervous system pattern still drives my behavior.
• 31:35
  Jen: So I still sometimes consciously have to then shift into a new way of being.
• 31:41
  Jen: That makes a lot of sense, actually.
• 31:44
  Jen: You've changed my thinking on that.
• 31:48
  Jen: So but back to your point, is that you need you like the subconscious patterns.
• 31:55
  Jen: To me, um, I often do the subconscious patterns first.
• 31:59
  Jen: And along with that, then as I'm going about my day, when I realize that I'm getting into a stress mode, I calm my nervous system.
• 32:09
  Jen: And sometimes I'm able to understand the belief that is causing that dysregulation.
• 32:16
  Jen: Right.
• 32:16
  Jen: And then I can find it.
• 32:18
  Jen: So, but yes, they it is it is usually I so I still think that quite often there is a belief that has caused your nervous system to ramp up.
• 32:30
  Jen: And that is, I'm not gonna be safe.
• 32:34
  Jen: So yeah, I think there's some debate about it.
• 32:36
  Jen: What comes first?
• 32:38
  Jen: Yeah, yeah.
• 32:39
  Jen: A really simple example, uh public speaking.
• 32:43
  Jen: You want to get up on stage, you get nervous, your nervous system ramps up, you're anxious, you feel that we all know what that feels like.
• 32:50
  Jen: Yeah.
• 32:51
  Jen: The belief is that I'm gonna mess up, there's something wrong with me, people aren't going to like what I have to say, I'm gonna forget what I wanted to say, and people are gonna think I'm X or Y or Z.
• 33:05
  Jen: So there's a belief there underlying that that is I'm not good enough to be speaking, I'm not good enough to remember everything that I wanted to say, it's gonna come out sounding silly.
• 33:17
  Jen: So there's beliefs underneath of that that are causing totally us to think, um, yeah.
• 33:23
  Jen: So that's kind of where I was going with that.
• 33:25
  Jen: But I was in that situation and there was no amount of GABA that was going to calm my nervous system down in that case.
• 33:32
  Jen: Because I had all these beliefs around the talk, and there was a tons of them that I had to shift.
• 33:39
  Jen: Okay.
• 33:40
  Jen: So where were we?
• 33:41
  Jen: What can we do?
• 33:42
  Jen: So shifting patterns, shifting nervous system patterns and subconscious beliefs is one way to start stepping into.
• 33:52
  Jen: Um those are kind of two ways, because those are two different, there, there are two different solutions to that.
• 33:58
  Jen: So shifting subconscious beliefs, you do that through theta coaching.
• 34:03
  Jen: Sh uh calming the nervous system, we can do through somatic exercises, which we do too.
• 34:09
  Jen: Yes.
• 34:11
  Jen: So other ways to step into the identity.
• 34:13
  Jen: Well, one of the ways that I have found recently is connecting with the divine.
• 34:22
  Jen: So for a long time, I was like, I I learned how to meditate in absolute silence from a Buddhist guru.
• 34:33
  Jen: And I fell off that wagon for a long time and was listening to like whatever spiritual teacher, there's lots of them out there, guide me through a visualization.
• 34:44
  Jen: And sometimes that can create a very beautiful connection with the divine.
• 34:51
  Jen: And it was not the same as me fostering a connection to the divine that was just me connecting, listening to what I am meant to do, and trusting.
• 35:13
  Jen: So the key here is to trust in the divine and that you're not in it alone.
• 35:18
  Jen: And the way to do that is by sitting in silence and waiting for inspired thoughts to come.
• 35:26
  Jen: Because that is your higher self, the divine God, whoever you want, however you want to frame that, speaking to you.
• 35:33
  Jen: And when you feel that, and it's a felt sense of inspiration, and you then you just know this is what I have to do.
• 35:43
  Jen: And that's how you take your next step.
• 35:44
  Jen: And that's how you trust that this is the right thing I'm supposed to do.
• 35:49
  Jen: So trusting in the divine is one of the biggest.
• 35:52
  Jen: It comes back to bringing this full circle to my story in the beginning.
• 35:56
  Jen: What I felt when I asked myself, what do I really like?
• 36:01
  Jen: What do I, what I, what actually inspires me?
• 36:03
  Jen: What what brings me joy?
• 36:06
  Jen: All I wanted to do in my free time was read fitness and health magazines.
• 36:10
  Jen: I just, I had an insatiable desire to learn about that stuff.
• 36:15
  Jen: And I kind of went, I this is what I really like to do.
• 36:18
  Jen: Like maybe there's a course on this.
• 36:21
  Jen: And so I went and found a program and I took one course.
• 36:27
  Jen: That was one, like it was just one step.
• 36:31
  Jen: But the first thing was, it wasn't even taking the course.
• 36:35
  Jen: The first step was, let me just go research and see what's out there that I could do.
• 36:40
  Jen: Really simple.
• 36:42
  Jen: So really simple.
• 36:43
  Jen: It was just spend 10 minutes on the internet and Google some like nutrition or health programs out there.
• 36:53
  Jen: That was it.
• 36:55
  Jen: So that's what trusting the divine or asking your like it's listening for that intuition, those in intuitive hits.
• 37:05
  Jen: It's not the whole plan.
• 37:08
  Jen: The whole, you don't need the whole blueprint for exactly what you're going to do next.
• 37:13
  Jen: It's just, it's the same with me right now.
• 37:15
  Jen: I want to, I, I want to play pickleball.
• 37:18
  Jen: And I just, I was like, it just seemed overwhelming.
• 37:21
  Jen: I'm like, I don't know like where I'm supposed to go or what I'm supposed to do.
• 37:25
  Jen: And I don't, I tend to like not start if I don't know all the steps.
• 37:29
  Jen: And I just thought, you know what?
• 37:31
  Jen: I'm just gonna go look and see whether there's a pickleball club in Meeford where I live.
• 37:38
  Jen: And there is, but it's full.
• 37:40
  Jen: So then it was like, okay, what's my next step?
• 37:43
  Jen: Maybe it's in the next town over.
• 37:45
  Jen: So it's just, it's, it doesn't matter what it is.
• 37:48
  Jen: It just, you don't have to have the whole plan.
• 37:51
  Jen: It's just take one tiny step that feels like curious, inspirational, what you feel is right.
• 38:00
  Jen: And by the way, that that inspiration does not have to come through meditation.
• 38:03
  Jen: It can come in the shower, it can come when you're walking, it can come when you're just sitting around and you get an idea.
• 38:10
  Jen: I find meditation is helpful for me to get ideas, but I also get them in a lot of other ways.
• 38:16
  Jen: So, and then, Cher, since we need to wrap this up, uh, the last thing is to start thinking of yourself as that person who does.
• 38:27
  Jen: Like I'm the person who, I'm a non-smoker, I'm the person who I'm a chef, I'm a coach, I'm a whatever it is that you're trying to step into, is to start thinking of yourself as that identity.
• 38:42
  Jen: And we have, we have a whole process for how to start really embodying that identity, which we're gonna do in Costa Rica um at the end of October.
• 38:56
  Jen: And 40 solo line to retreat.
• 38:59
  Jen: Mm-hmm.
• 38:59
  Jen: And for, but for today, I would just say, how could like just ask yourself, how could you begin to step into that identity and what would it feel like?
• 39:09
  Jen: Like, what would I do if I was the thing?
• 39:15
  Jen: I think that's perfect, Jen.
• 39:17
  Jen: There's four things there, just to touch on each.
• 39:21
  Jen: Releasing the subconscious beliefs, calming your nervous system, taking inspired action, taking one step.
• 39:31
  Jen: And then the fourth, the identity.
• 39:34
  Jen: How can you step into that identity today?
• 39:36
  Jen: Okay, I think that's that's a good place to wrap, Jen.
• 39:40
  Jen: So all those links we mentioned will be in the show notes.
• 39:44
  Jen: Costa Rica Retreat is coming up fast.
• 39:48
  Jen: Yeah.
• 39:49
  Jen: First of September as we record this.
• 39:52
  Jen: And so if you are interested in that, you better um hit the link in the show notes for that really quickly.
• 40:00
  Jen: And if you found this valuable, share it with a friend, rate, subscribe, we do all those wonderful things.
• 40:09
  Jen: We'd be forever grateful.
• 40:10
  Jen: And come back next week for another episode.