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Colonel Starbottle For The Plaintiff - Part 2 · Classic Humorous Short Stories from America

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Speaker 1: Story thirteen, Part two of the Best American Humorous Short
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Speaker 1: Stories by Alexander Jessop editor. This LibriVox recording is in
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Speaker 1: the public domain. Story thirteen Colonel Starbuttle for the Plaintive
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Speaker 1: nineteen o one, Part two by Brett Hart. For all
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Speaker 1: that wild horses could not have torn from the colonel
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Speaker 1: a word about Hotchkins's anger, he expressed his intention of
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Speaker 1: employing counsel and defending a suit, returned the Colonel, affably,
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Speaker 1: basking in her smile. She dragged her chair nearer his desk.
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Speaker 1: Then you'll fight him too, the nail, she said eagerly.
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Speaker 1: You'll show him up, You'll tell the whole story your
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Speaker 1: own way. You'll give him fits, and you'll make him pay. Sure,
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Speaker 1: she went on breathlessly, I er will, said the colonel.
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Speaker 1: Almost as breathlessly. She caught his fat white hand, which
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Speaker 1: was lying on the table between her own, and lifted
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Speaker 1: it to her lips. He felt her soft, young fingers,
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Speaker 1: even through the lile thread gloves that encased them, and
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Speaker 1: the warm moisture of her lips upon his skin. He
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Speaker 1: felt himself flushing, but was unable to break the silence
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Speaker 1: or change his position. The next moment she had scuttled
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Speaker 1: back with her chair to her old position. I er
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Speaker 1: certainly shall do my best, stammered the colonel, in an
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Speaker 1: attempt to recover his dignity and composure. That's enough, you'll
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Speaker 1: do it, said the girl enthusiastically. Lordie, just you talk
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Speaker 1: for me as you did for his old ditch company,
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Speaker 1: and you'll fetch it every time. Why when you made
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Speaker 1: that jury sit up the other day, when you got
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Speaker 1: that off about the American flag, wavin equally over the
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Speaker 1: rights of honest citizens banded together in peaceful commercial pursuits,
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Speaker 1: as well as over the fortress of official profligate oligarchy,
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Speaker 1: murmured the colonel courteously. Oligarchy, repeated the girl quickly. My
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Speaker 1: breath was just took away, I said, tom, ain't he
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Speaker 1: too sweet for anything? I did? Honest injun And when
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Speaker 1: you rolled it all off at the end, never missin'
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Speaker 1: a word. You didn't need to mark him in a
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Speaker 1: lesson book, but had em all ready on your tongue.
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Speaker 1: An walked out, Well, I didn't know you nor the
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Speaker 1: ditch company from Adam, but I could have just run
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Speaker 1: over and kissed you there before the whole court. She laughed,
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Speaker 1: with her face glowing, although her strange eyes were cast
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Speaker 1: down a lack. The colonel's face was equally flushed, and
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Speaker 1: his own beady eyes were on his desk. To any
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Speaker 1: other woman, he would have voiced the banal gallantry that
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Speaker 1: he should now himself look forward to that reward. But
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Speaker 1: the words ever reached his lips. He laughed, coughed slightly,
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Speaker 1: and when he looked up again, she had fallen into
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Speaker 1: the same attitude as on her first visit, with her
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Speaker 1: parasol point on the floor. I must ask you to
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Speaker 1: direct your memory to her. Another point, the breaking off
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Speaker 1: of the er Er engagement. Did he give any reason
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Speaker 1: for it or show any cause? No, he never said anything,
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Speaker 1: returned the girl, not in his usual way. No reproaches
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Speaker 1: out of the hymn book or the sacred writings. No,
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Speaker 1: he just quit, er ceased his attentions, said the colonel, gravely,
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Speaker 1: and naturally, you er were not conscious of any cause
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Speaker 1: for his doing. So. The girl raised her wonderful eyes
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Speaker 1: so suddenly and so penetratingly with reply in any other way,
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Speaker 1: that the colonel could only hurriedly say, I see none,
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Speaker 1: of course, at which she rose the colonel rising also,
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Speaker 1: we shall begin proceedings at once. I must, however, caution
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Speaker 1: you to answer no questions nor say anything about this
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Speaker 1: case to any one until you are in court. She
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Speaker 1: answered his request with another intelligent look and a nod.
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Speaker 1: He accompanied her to the door. As he took her
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Speaker 1: proffered hand, he raised the lyle thread fingers to his
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Speaker 1: lips with old fashioned gallantry, as if that act had
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Speaker 1: condoned for his first omissions and awkwardness. He became his
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Speaker 1: old fashioned self again, buttoned his coat, pulled out his
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Speaker 1: shirt frill, and strutted back to his desk. A day
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Speaker 1: or two later, it was known throughout the town that
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Speaker 1: Zadi Hooker had sued a donorum Mutchkiss for breach of promise,
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Speaker 1: and that the damages were laid at five thousand dollars.
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Speaker 1: As in those Bucolic days, the western press was under
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Speaker 1: the secure censorship of a revolver. A cautious tone of
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Speaker 1: criticism prevailed, and any gossip was confined to personal expression,
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Speaker 1: and even then at the risk of the gossiper. Nevertheless,
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Speaker 1: the situation provoked the intensest curiosity the colonel was approached
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Speaker 1: until his statement that he should consider any attempt to
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Speaker 1: overcome his professional secrecy. A personal reflection withheld. Further advances.
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Speaker 1: The community were left to the more ostentatious information of
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Speaker 1: the defendant's council Messrs Kitchem and Bilser, that the case
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Speaker 1: was ridiculous and rotten, that the plaintiff would be non
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Speaker 1: suited and the fire eating Starbottle would be taught a
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Speaker 1: lesson that he could not bully the law. And there
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Speaker 1: were some dark hints of a conspiracy. It was even
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Speaker 1: hinted that the case was the revengeful and preposterous outcome
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Speaker 1: of the refusal of Hotchkiss to pay Starbottle an extravagant
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Speaker 1: fee for his late services to the ditch company. It
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Speaker 1: is unnecessary to say that these words were not reported
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Speaker 1: to the Colonel. It was, however, an unfortunate circumstance for
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Speaker 1: the calmer ethical consideration of the subject that the church
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Speaker 1: sided with Hotchkiss, as this provoked an equal adherence to
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Speaker 1: the plaintive and Starbottle on the part of the larger
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Speaker 1: body of non churchgoers who were delighted at a possible
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Speaker 1: exposure of the weakness of religious rectitude. Av Allus had
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Speaker 1: my suspicions of them. Early Candlelight maidens down at that
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Speaker 1: gospel shop, said one critic. And I reckon Deacon Hotchkiss,
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Speaker 1: don't rope in the gals to attend jest for Psalm singin,
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Speaker 1: then for him to get up and leave the boar
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Speaker 1: before the games a finished and trot a sneak out
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Speaker 1: of it, said another. I suppose that's what they call religious.
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Speaker 1: It was therefore not remarkable that the court house three
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Speaker 1: weeks later was crowded with an excited multitude of the
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Speaker 1: curious and sympathizing. The fair plaintive, with her mother, was
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Speaker 1: early in attendance, and, under the Colonel's advice, appeared in
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Speaker 1: the same modest garb in which she had first visited
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Speaker 1: his office. This and her downcast, modest demeanor were perhaps
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Speaker 1: at first disappointing to the crowd, who had evidently expected
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Speaker 1: a paragon of loveliness as the cercei of the grim
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Speaker 1: aesthetic defendant who sat beside his council. But presently all
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Speaker 1: eyes were fixed on the Colonel, who certainly made up
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Speaker 1: in his appearance any deficiency in his fair client. His
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Speaker 1: portly figure was clothed in a blue dress coat with
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Speaker 1: brass buttons, a buff waistcoat which permitted his frilled shirt
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Speaker 1: front to become a rectile. Above it a black satin
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Speaker 1: stock which can find a boyish turned down collar around
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Speaker 1: his full neck, and immaculate drill trousers strapped over varnished boots.
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Speaker 1: A murmur ran around the court. Old personally responsible had
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Speaker 1: got his war paint on the old war horses. Smell
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Speaker 1: and powder were whispered comments. Yet for all that the
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Speaker 1: most irreverent among them recognized vaguely in this bizarre figure
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Speaker 1: something of an honored past in their country's history, and
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Speaker 1: possibly felt the spell of old deeds and old names
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Speaker 1: that had once thrilled their boyish pulses, the new district
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Speaker 1: judge returned Colonel Starbottle's profoundly punctilious bow. The colonel was
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Speaker 1: followed by his negro servant carrying a parcel of hymn
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Speaker 1: books and bibles, who, with a courtesy evidently imitated from
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Speaker 1: his master, placed one before the opposite council. This, after
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Speaker 1: a first curious glance, the lawyer somewhat superciliously tossed aside,
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Speaker 1: but when Jim proceeding to the jury box, placed with
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Speaker 1: equal politeness the remaining copies before the jury. The opposite
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Speaker 1: council sprang to his feet. I want to direct the
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Speaker 1: attention of the Court to this unprecedented tampering with the
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Speaker 1: jury by this gratuitous exhibition of matter impertinent and irrelevant
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Speaker 1: to the issue. The Judge cast an inquiring look at
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Speaker 1: Colonel Starbottle. May it please the Court, returned Colonel Starbottle
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Speaker 1: with dignity, ignoring the council. The defendant's counsel will observe
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Speaker 1: that he is already furnished with the matter which I
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Speaker 1: regret to say he has treated in the presence of
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Speaker 1: the Court and of his client, a deacon of the Church,
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Speaker 1: with the great superciliousness. When I state to your honor
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Speaker 1: that the books in question are hymn books and copies
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Speaker 1: of the Holy Scriptures, and that they are for the
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Speaker 1: instruction of the jury, to whom I shall have to
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Speaker 1: refer them in the course of my opening, I believe
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Speaker 1: I am within my rights. The act is certainly unprecedented,
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Speaker 1: said the judge dryly. But unless the Council for the
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Speaker 1: plaintiff expects the jury to sing from these hymn books,
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Speaker 1: their introduction is not improper, and I cannot admit the
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Speaker 1: objection as defendant's counsel are furnished with copies. Also, they
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Speaker 1: cannot plead surprise as in the introduction of new matter,
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Speaker 1: and as plaintiff's council relies evidently upon the jury's attention
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Speaker 1: to his opening, he would not be the first person
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Speaker 1: to distract it. After a pause, he added, addressing the colonel,
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Speaker 1: who remained standing, the court is with you, sir, proceed
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Speaker 1: But the colonel remained motionless and statuesque with folded arms.
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Speaker 1: I have overruled the objection, repeated the judge. You may
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Speaker 1: go on. I am waiting your honor for the er
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Speaker 1: withdrawal by the defendant's counsel of the word tampering as
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Speaker 1: refers to myself, and of impertinent as refers to the
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Speaker 1: sacred volumes. The request is a proper one, and I
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Speaker 1: have no doubt will be acceeded to, returned the judge quietly.
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Speaker 1: The defendant's counsel rose and mumbled a few words of apology,
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Speaker 1: and the incident closed. There was, however, a general feeling
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Speaker 1: that the Colonel had in some ways scored, and if
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Speaker 1: his object had been to excite the greatest curiosity about
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Speaker 1: the books, he had made his point. But impassive of
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Speaker 1: his victory, he inflated his chest with his right hand
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Speaker 1: in the breast of his buttoned coat, and began. His
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Speaker 1: usual high color had paled slightly, but the small pupils
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Speaker 1: of his prominent eyes glittered like steel. The young girl
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Speaker 1: leaned forward in her chair with an attention so breathless,
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Speaker 1: a sympathy so quick, and an admiration so artless and unconscious,
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Speaker 1: that in an instant she divided with the speaker the
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Speaker 1: attention of the whole assemblage. It was very hot, the
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Speaker 1: court was crowded to suffocation. Even the open windows revealed
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Speaker 1: a crowd of faces outside the building. Eagerly following the
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Speaker 1: colonel's words, he would remind the jury that only a
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Speaker 1: few weeks ago he stood there as the advocate of
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Speaker 1: a powerful company, then represented by the present defendant. He
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Speaker 1: spoke then as the champion of strict justice against legal oppression.
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Speaker 1: No less should he to day champion the cause of
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Speaker 1: the unprotected and the comparatively defenseless, save for that paramount
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Speaker 1: power which surrounds beauty and innocence, even though the plaintive
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Speaker 1: of yesterday was the defendant of to day. As he
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Speaker 1: approached the court, a moment ago he had raised his
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Speaker 1: eyes and beheld the starry flag flying from its dome,
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Speaker 1: and he knew that glorious banner was a symbol of
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Speaker 1: the perfect equality under the Constitution, of the rich and
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Speaker 1: the poor, the strong and the weak, an equality which
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Speaker 1: made the simple citizen taken from the plow in the veld,
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Speaker 1: the pick in the gulch, or from behind the counter
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Speaker 1: in the mining town, who served on that jury, the
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Speaker 1: equal arbiters of justice with that highest legal luminary, whom
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Speaker 1: they were proud to welcome on the bench to day.
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Speaker 1: The colonel paused with a stately bow to the impassive judge.
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Speaker 1: It was this, he continued, which lifted his heart as
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Speaker 1: he approached the building. And yet he had entered it
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Speaker 1: with an uncertain, he might almost say, a timid step.
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Speaker 1: And why he knew, gentlemen, he was about to confront
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Speaker 1: a profound eye, a sacred responsibility. Those hymn books and
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Speaker 1: holy writings handed to the jury were not, as his
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Speaker 1: honor surmised, for the purpose of enabling the jury to
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Speaker 1: indulge in a preliminary choral exercise. He might indeed say,
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Speaker 1: alas not, they were the damning incontrovertible proofs of the
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Speaker 1: perfidy of the defendant, and they would prove as terrible
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Speaker 1: a warning to him as the fatal characters upon Balshazzar's wall.
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Speaker 1: There was a strong sensation. Hotchkiss turned a sallow green.
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Speaker 1: His lawyers assumed a careless smile. It was his duty
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Speaker 1: to tell them that this was not one of those
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Speaker 1: ordinary breach of promise cases, which were too often the
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Speaker 1: occasion of ruthless mirth and indecent levity in the court room.
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Speaker 1: The jury would find nothing of that. Here. There were
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Speaker 1: no love letters with the epithets of endearment, nor those
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Speaker 1: mystic crosses and ciphers which he had been credibly informed
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Speaker 1: chastely hid the exchange of those mutual caresses known as kisses.
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Speaker 1: There was no cruel tearing of the veil from those
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Speaker 1: sacred privacies of the human affection. There was no forensic
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Speaker 1: shouting out of those fond confidences meant only for one.
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Speaker 1: But there was, he was shocked, to say, a new
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Speaker 1: sacrilegious intrusion. The weak pipe kings of Cupid were mingled
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Speaker 1: with the chorus of the saints, the sanctity of the
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Speaker 1: temple known as the meeting house was desecrated by proceedings
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Speaker 1: more in keeping with the shrine of Venus, and the
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Speaker 1: inspired writings themselves were used as the medium of amatory
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Speaker 1: and wanton flirtation by the defendant in his sacred capacity
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Speaker 1: as deacon. The Colonel artistically paused after this thunderous denunciation.
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Speaker 1: The jury turned eagerly to the leaves of the hymn books,
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Speaker 1: but the larger gaze of the audience remained fixed upon
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Speaker 1: the speaker and the girl, who sat in rapt admiration
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Speaker 1: of his periods. After the hush, the Colonel continued, in
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Speaker 1: a lower and sadder voice, there are perhaps few of
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Speaker 1: us here, gentlemen, with the exception of the defendant, who
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Speaker 1: can arrogate to themselves the title of regular churchgoers, or
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Speaker 1: to whom these humbler functions of the prayer meeting, the
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Speaker 1: Sunday school, and the Bible class are habitually familiar. Yet
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Speaker 1: more solemnly, down in your hearts is the deep conviction
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Speaker 1: of our shortcomings and failings, and a laudable desire that
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Speaker 1: others at least should profit by the teachings we neglect. Perhaps,
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Speaker 1: he continued, closing his eyes dreamily. There is not a
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Speaker 1: man here who does not recall the happy days of
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Speaker 1: his boyhood, the rustic village spire, the lessons shared with
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Speaker 1: some artless village maiden, with whom he later sauntered hand
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Speaker 1: in hand through the woods as the simple rhyme rose
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Speaker 1: upon their lips. Always make it a point to have
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Speaker 1: it a rule never to be late. At the sabbath school.
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Speaker 1: He would recall the strawberry feasts, the welcome annual picnic,
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Speaker 1: redolent with hunks of gingerbread and sarsatsparilla. How would they
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Speaker 1: feel to know that these sacred recollections were now forever
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Speaker 1: profaned in their memory by the knowledge that the defendant
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Speaker 1: was capable of using such occasions to make love to
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Speaker 1: the larger girls and teachers, whilst his artless companions were
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Speaker 1: innocently The court will pardon me for introducing what I
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Speaker 1: am credibly informed is the local expression doing gooseberry. The
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Speaker 1: tremulous flicker of a smile passed over the faces of
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Speaker 1: the listening crowd, and the colonel slightly winced, But he
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Speaker 1: recovered himself instantly and continued. My client, the only daughter
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Speaker 1: of a widowed mother, who has for years stemmed the
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Speaker 1: varying tides of adversity in the western precincts of this town.
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Speaker 1: Stands before you to day, invested only in her own innocence.
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Speaker 1: She wears no rich gifts of her faithless admirer. Is
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Speaker 1: paniplate in no jewels, rings, nor mementos of affection, such
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Speaker 1: as lovers delight to hang upon the shrine of their affections.
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Speaker 1: Hers is not the glory with which Solomon decorated the
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Speaker 1: Queen of Sheba, though the defendant, as I shall show later,
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Speaker 1: clothed her in the less expensive flowers of the King's poetry.
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Speaker 1: No gentleman, the defendant exhibited in this affair a certain
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Speaker 1: frugality of a pecuniary investment, which I am willing to
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Speaker 1: admit may be commendable in his class. His only gift
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Speaker 1: was characteristic alike of his methods and his economy. There is,
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Speaker 1: I understand, a certain not unimportant feature of religious exercise
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Speaker 1: known as taking a collection. The defendant, on this occasion,
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Speaker 1: by the mute presentation of a tip plate covered with bays,
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Speaker 1: solicited the pecuniary contributions of the faithful. On approaching the plaintiff. However,
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Speaker 1: he himself slipped a love token upon the plate. And
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Speaker 1: pushed it towards her. That love token was a lozenge,
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Speaker 1: a small disk I have reason to believe, concocted of
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Speaker 1: peppermint and sugar, bearing upon its reverse surface the simple
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Speaker 1: words I love you. I have since ascertained that these
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Speaker 1: discs may be bought for five cents a dozen, or
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Speaker 1: at considerably less than one half cent for the single lozenge. Yes, gentlemen,
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Speaker 1: the words I love you the oldest legend of all
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Speaker 1: the refrain, when the morning stars sang together were presented
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Speaker 1: to the plaintive by a mediums so insignificant that there
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Speaker 1: is happily no coin in the republic low enough to
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Speaker 1: represent its value. I shall prove to you, gentlemen of
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Speaker 1: the jury, said the colonel, solemnly, drawing a bible from
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Speaker 1: his coat tail pocket, that the defendant, for the last
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Speaker 1: twelve months conducted an amatory correspondence with the plaintiff by
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Speaker 1: means of underlined words of sacred writ and church psalmody,
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Speaker 1: such as beloved, precious, and dearest, occasionally appropriating whole passages
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Speaker 1: which seem deposit to his tender passion. I shall call
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Speaker 1: your attention to one of them. The defendant, while professing
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Speaker 1: to be a total abstainer. A man who, in my
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Speaker 1: own knowledge has refused spiritous refreshment as an inordinate weakness
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Speaker 1: of the flesh with shameless hypocrisy, underscores with his pencil
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Speaker 1: the following passage and presents it to the plaintiff. The
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Speaker 1: gentleman of the jury will find it in the Song
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Speaker 1: of Solomon, page five hundred forty eight, Chapter two, verse five.
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Speaker 1: After a pause in which the rapid rustling of leaves
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Speaker 1: was heard in the jury box, Colonel Starbottle declaimed, in
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Speaker 1: a pleading stentorian voice, stay with me of flagons, comfort
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Speaker 1: me with her apples, for I am sick of love. Yes, gentlemen, yes,
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Speaker 1: you may well turn from those accusing pages and look
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Speaker 1: at the double faced defendant. He desires to be stayed
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Speaker 1: with flagons. I am not aware at present what kind
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Speaker 1: of liquor is habitually dispensed at these meetings, and for
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Speaker 1: which the defendant so urgently clamored, But it will be
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Speaker 1: my duty, before this trial is over to discover it.
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Speaker 1: If I have to summon every bar keeper in this
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Speaker 1: district for the moment, I will simply call your attention
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Speaker 1: to the quantity. It is not a single drink that
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Speaker 1: the defendant asks for not a glass of light and
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Speaker 1: generous wine to be shared with his enamorata, but a
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Speaker 1: number of flagons or vessels, each possibly holding a pint
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Speaker 1: measure for himself. The smile of the audience had become
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Speaker 1: a laugh. The judge looked up warningly when his eye
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Speaker 1: caught the fact that the Colonel had again winced at
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Speaker 1: this mirth. He regarded him seriously. Mister Hotchkiss's counsel had
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Speaker 1: joined in the laugh affectedly, but Hotchkiss himself was ashy pale.
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Speaker 1: There was also a commotion in the jury box, a
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Speaker 1: hurried turning over of leaves, and an excited discussion. The
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Speaker 1: gentleman of the jury said the judge, with official gravity,
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Speaker 1: will please keep order and attend only to the speeches
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Speaker 1: of council. Any discussion here is irregular and premature, and
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Speaker 1: must be reserved for the jury room after they have retired.
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Speaker 1: The fourman of the jury struggled to his feet. He
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Speaker 1: was a powerful man with a good humored face, and,
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Speaker 1: in spite of his infelicitous nickname of the bone breaker,
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Speaker 1: had a kindly simple but somewhat emotional nature. Nevertheless, it
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Speaker 1: appeared as if he were laboring under some powerful indignation.
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Speaker 1: Can we ask a question, Judge, he said, respectfully, although
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Speaker 1: his voice had the unmistakable Western American ring in it,
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Speaker 1: as of one who was unconscious that he could be
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Speaker 1: addressing any but his peers. A yes, said the judge,
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Speaker 1: good humoredly. We're finding this here piece out of which
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Speaker 1: the Colonel has just been a quotin, some language that
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Speaker 1: me and my partners allow ain't order to be read out. Afore,
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Speaker 1: a young lady in court, and we want to know
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Speaker 1: of you, as a fair minded and impartial man, if
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Speaker 1: this is the regular kind of book given to gals
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Speaker 1: and babies down at the meet'n' house. The jury will
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Speaker 1: please follow the council's speech without comment, said the judge, briefly,
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Speaker 1: fully aware that the defendant's council would spring to his
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Speaker 1: feet as he did promptly. The court will allow us
25:15
Speaker 1: to explain to the gentleman that the language they seem
25:19
Speaker 1: to object to has been accepted by the best theologians
25:23
Speaker 1: for the last thousand years as being purely mystic. As
25:28
Speaker 1: I will explain later, those are merely symbols of the Church.
25:33
Speaker 1: Of what interrupted the foreman in deep scorn of the church.
25:38
Speaker 1: We ain't asking any questions at you, and we ain't
25:41
Speaker 1: taken any answers, said the foreman, sitting down promptly. I
25:46
Speaker 1: must insist, said the judge sternly, that the plaintive's council
25:50
Speaker 1: be allowed to continue his opening without interruption. You, to
25:55
Speaker 1: defendant's counsel, will have your opportunity to reply later. The
26:00
Speaker 1: council sank down in his seat with the bitter conviction
26:04
Speaker 1: that the jury was manifestly against him and the case
26:08
Speaker 1: as good as lost. But his face was scarcely as
26:12
Speaker 1: disturbed as his clients, who in great agitation, had begun
26:16
Speaker 1: to argue with him wildly and was apparently pressing some
26:20
Speaker 1: point against the lawyer's vehement opposal. The colonel's murky eyes
26:25
Speaker 1: brightened as he still stood erect with his hand thrust
26:29
Speaker 1: in his breast. It will be put to you, gentlemen,
26:32
Speaker 1: when the council on the other side refrains from mere
26:35
Speaker 1: interruption and confines himself to reply that my unfortunate client
26:41
Speaker 1: has no action, no remedy in law, because there were
26:45
Speaker 1: no spoken words of endearment. But gentlemen, it will depend
26:50
Speaker 1: upon you to say what are and what are not
26:53
Speaker 1: articulate expressions of love. We all know that among the
26:57
Speaker 1: lower animals with whom you may possibly be called upon
27:01
Speaker 1: to classify the defendant, there are certain signals, more or
27:05
Speaker 1: less harmonious, as the case may be. The ass brays,
27:10
Speaker 1: the horse NAIs, the sheep bleats, the feathered denizens of
27:15
Speaker 1: the grove call to their mates in more musical rondelais.
27:19
Speaker 1: These are recognized facts, gentlemen, which you, yourselves, as dwellers
27:24
Speaker 1: among nature in this beautiful land, are all cognizant of.
27:29
Speaker 1: They are facts that no one would deny. And we
27:32
Speaker 1: should have a poor opinion of the ass who, at
27:36
Speaker 1: such a supreme moment would attempt to suggest that his
27:40
Speaker 1: call was unthinking and without significance. But gentlemen, I shall
27:46
Speaker 1: prove to you that such was the foolish, self convicting
27:49
Speaker 1: custom of the defendant. With the greatest reluctance and the
27:55
Speaker 1: greatest pain, I succeed in wresting from the maidenly modesty
27:59
Speaker 1: of my fair client the innocent confession that the defendant
28:04
Speaker 1: had induced her to correspond with him in these methods.
28:08
Speaker 1: Picture to yourself, gentlemen, the lonely moonlit road beside the
28:13
Speaker 1: widow's humble cottage. It is a beautiful night, sanctified to
28:17
Speaker 1: the affections, and the innocent girl is leaning from her casement.
28:22
Speaker 1: Presently there appears upon the road a slinking, stealthy figure,
28:27
Speaker 1: the defendant, on his way to church, true to the
28:31
Speaker 1: instruction she has received from him. Her lips part in
28:35
Speaker 1: the musical utterance. The colonel lowered his voice in a
28:39
Speaker 1: faint falsetto, presumably in fond imitation of his fair client Carie.
28:47
Speaker 1: Instantly the night becomes resonant with the impassioned reply. The
28:51
Speaker 1: colonel here lifted his voice in stentorious tones. Corow again
28:58
Speaker 1: as he passes a rises the soft kharrie. Again, as
29:03
Speaker 1: his form is lost in the distance, comes back the
29:06
Speaker 1: deep corow. A burst of laughter, long, loud, and irrepressible,
29:13
Speaker 1: struck the whole court room, and before the judge could
29:17
Speaker 1: lift his half composed face and take his handkerchief from
29:21
Speaker 1: his mouth, a faint carie from some unrecognized obscurity of
29:26
Speaker 1: the court room was followed by a loud crow from
29:30
Speaker 1: some opposite locality. The sheriff will clear the court, said
29:35
Speaker 1: the judge sternly. But alas as the embarrassed and choking
29:39
Speaker 1: officials rushed hither and thither. A soft carie from the
29:44
Speaker 1: spectators at the window outside the court house was answered
29:48
Speaker 1: by a loud chorus of crows from the opposite windows,
29:53
Speaker 1: filled with onlookers. Again, the laughter arose everywhere. Even the
29:59
Speaker 1: fair Plant herself sat convulsed behind her handkerchief. The figure
30:05
Speaker 1: of Colonel Starbottle alone remained erect, white and rigid. And
30:10
Speaker 1: then the judge, looking up, saw what no one else
30:14
Speaker 1: in the court had seen. That the Colonel was sincere
30:17
Speaker 1: and in earnest, That what he had conceived to be
30:21
Speaker 1: the pleader's most perfect acting and most elaborate irony were
30:27
Speaker 1: the deep, serious, mirthless convictions of a man without the
30:31
Speaker 1: least sense of humor. There was a touch of this
30:34
Speaker 1: respect in the judge's voice as he said to him gently,
30:38
Speaker 1: you may proceed, Colonel Starbottle. I thank your honor, said
30:43
Speaker 1: the colonel slowly, for recognizing and doing all in your
30:47
Speaker 1: power to prevent an interruption that during my thirty years
30:52
Speaker 1: experience at the bar, I have never yet been subjected to,
30:56
Speaker 1: without the privilege of holding the instigators thereof responsible personally responsible.
31:03
Speaker 1: It is possibly my fault that I have failed oratorically
31:08
Speaker 1: to convey to the gentleman of the jury the full
31:11
Speaker 1: force and significance of the defendant signals. I am aware
31:16
Speaker 1: that my voice is singularly deficient in producing either the
31:20
Speaker 1: dulcet tones of my fair client or the impassioned vehemence
31:25
Speaker 1: of the defendant's response. I will, continued the colonel, with
31:30
Speaker 1: a fatigued but blind fatuity that ignored the hurriedly knit
31:35
Speaker 1: brows and warning eyes of the judge. Try again. The
31:40
Speaker 1: note uttered by my client, lowering his voice to the
31:44
Speaker 1: faintest of Falsetto's, was cree. The response was coole, and
31:51
Speaker 1: the Colonel's voice fairly shook the dome above him. Another
31:56
Speaker 1: uproar of laughter followed this apparently audacious repetition, but was
32:01
Speaker 1: interrupted by an unlooked for incident. The defendant rose abruptly,
32:06
Speaker 1: and tearing himself away from the withholding hand and pleading
32:10
Speaker 1: protestations of his council, absolutely fled from the court room,
32:15
Speaker 1: his appearance outside being recognized by a prolonged carow from
32:20
Speaker 1: the bystanders, which again and again followed him in the distance.
32:25
Speaker 1: In the momentary silence which followed, the colonel's voice was
32:29
Speaker 1: heard saying we rest here, your Honor, and he sat down.
32:34
Speaker 1: No less white, but more agitated was the face of
32:38
Speaker 1: the defendant's counsel, who instantly rose for some unexplained reason,
32:44
Speaker 1: Your Honor, my client desires to suspend further proceedings with
32:49
Speaker 1: a view to effect a peaceable compromise with the plaintive.
32:53
Speaker 1: As he is a man of wealth and position, he
32:56
Speaker 1: is able and willing to pay liberally for that privilege,
33:00
Speaker 1: while I, as his counsel, am still convinced of his
33:03
Speaker 1: legal irresponsibility as he has chosen, however, to publicly abandon
33:08
Speaker 1: his rights here. I can only ask your honor's permission
33:12
Speaker 1: to suspend further proceedings until I can confer with Colonel Starbottle.
33:18
Speaker 1: As far as I can follow the pleadings, said the
33:21
Speaker 1: judge gravely. The case seems to be hardly one for litigation,
33:26
Speaker 1: and I approve the defendant's course, while I strongly urge
33:30
Speaker 1: the plaintiff to accept it. Colonel Starbottle bent over his
33:34
Speaker 1: fair client presently he rose, unchanged in look or demeanor.
33:40
Speaker 1: I yield your Honor to the wishes of my client
33:43
Speaker 1: and er lady. We accept, before the court adjourned that day.
33:49
Speaker 1: It was known throughout the town that Adonorum k Hotchkiss
33:53
Speaker 1: had compromised the suit for four thousand dollars and cost.
34:00
Speaker 1: Colonel Starbottle had so far recovered his equanimity as to
34:04
Speaker 1: strutch jauntily towards his office, where he was to meet
34:07
Speaker 1: his fair client. He was surprised, however, to find her
34:11
Speaker 1: already there and in company with a somewhat sheepish looking
34:15
Speaker 1: young man, a stranger. If the Colonel had any disappointment
34:20
Speaker 1: in meeting a third party to the interview, his old
34:23
Speaker 1: fashioned courtesy did not permit him to show it. He
34:26
Speaker 1: bowed graciously and politely motioned them each to a seat.
34:32
Speaker 1: I reckoned, I'd bring Hiram round with me, said the
34:35
Speaker 1: young lady, lifting her searching eyes after a pause to
34:39
Speaker 1: the colonel's. Though he was awful, shy and aloud that
34:42
Speaker 1: you didn't know him from Adam, even suspected his existence.
34:47
Speaker 1: But I said, there's just where you slip up. Hiram.
34:50
Speaker 1: A powerful man like the colonel knows everything, and I've
34:53
Speaker 1: seen it in his eye, lordy, she continues with a laugh,
34:57
Speaker 1: leaning forward over her parasol as eyes again sought the
35:01
Speaker 1: colonel's don't you remember when you ask me if I
35:04
Speaker 1: loved that old hotchkiss, and I told you that's tellin,
35:08
Speaker 1: and you looked at me, laddie. I knew then you
35:11
Speaker 1: suspected there was a Hiram somewhere as good as if
35:15
Speaker 1: I told you. Now you jest. You get up Hiram
35:19
Speaker 1: and give the colonel a good hand shake. For if
35:22
Speaker 1: it wasn't for him and his searchin ways and his
35:25
Speaker 1: awful power of language, I wouldn't have got that four
35:28
Speaker 1: thousand dollars out of that ferty old hotchkiss enough to
35:31
Speaker 1: buy a farm so you and me could get married.
35:34
Speaker 1: That's what you owe to him. Don't stand there like
35:37
Speaker 1: a stuck fool starin at him. He won't eat ya,
35:40
Speaker 1: though he's killed many a better man. Come have I
35:44
Speaker 1: got to do all the kissin. It is of record
35:47
Speaker 1: that the Colonel bowed so courteously and so profoundly that
35:52
Speaker 1: he managed not merely to evade the proffered hand of
35:55
Speaker 1: the shy Hireum, but to only lightly touch the franker
35:59
Speaker 1: and more impulsive finger tips of the gentle Zadi. I
36:04
Speaker 1: er offer my sincerest congratulations, though I think you will
36:09
Speaker 1: overestimate my powers of penetration, unfortunately, a pressing engagement which
36:16
Speaker 1: may oblige me also to leave town tonight forbids my
36:20
Speaker 1: saying more, I have left the business mettlement of this
36:25
Speaker 1: case in the hands of the lawyers who do my
36:28
Speaker 1: office work, and who will show you every attention. And
36:32
Speaker 1: now let me wish you a very good afternoon. Nevertheless,
36:38
Speaker 1: the Colonel returned to his private room, and it was
36:41
Speaker 1: nearly twilight when the faithful Jim entered to find him
36:44
Speaker 1: sitting meditatively before his desk for God, Colonel, I hoped.
36:50
Speaker 1: I'm nothin to matter, but you look amdy Palom. I
36:54
Speaker 1: haint seen you looked that way, Colonel since the day
36:56
Speaker 1: poor mar Straka was fetched home shot through Dah. Hand
37:01
Speaker 1: me down the whisky, Jim, said the colonel, rising slowly.
37:06
Speaker 1: The negro flew to the closet joyfully and brought out
37:09
Speaker 1: the bottle. The colonel poured out a glass of the
37:12
Speaker 1: spirit and drank it with his old deliberation. You're quite right, Jim,
37:18
Speaker 1: he said, putting down his glass. But I'm getting old,
37:23
Speaker 1: and somehow I'm missing poor Striker damnably. End of Story thirteen,
37:32
Speaker 1: Part two,