Latest / Let Me Claire-ify / Making Friends Feels Like Dating

Transcript

Making Friends Feels Like Dating · Let Me Claire-ify

0:01
SPEAKER_00: Why does making friends at 28 feel harder than dating?
0:06
SPEAKER_00: Why does it feel like I'm speed dating for platonic connections?
0:11
And why does it feel like everybody's joining a run club for
0:14
community or just to gain friends?
0:18
These are questions that we are going to explore on today's
0:21
episode of Let Me Clarify.
0:24
So I really don't think that we have lost the ability of how to
0:29
make friends.
0:29
SPEAKER_00: I think that we're still very a social and personable society.
0:33
SPEAKER_00: I think maybe for a lot of us,
0:36
SPEAKER_00: and maybe I'll just say it myself,
0:38
SPEAKER_00: you know,
0:38
SPEAKER_00: a lot of people hate to be categorized.
0:40
SPEAKER_00: But just for myself,
0:41
SPEAKER_00: I think I never really learned how to nurture a friendship,
0:45
SPEAKER_00: how to maintain that,
0:46
SPEAKER_00: especially as you grow,
0:47
SPEAKER_00: evolve,
0:48
SPEAKER_00: and change.
0:50
SPEAKER_00: So I don't know if many of you guys know this,
0:53
SPEAKER_00: but I recently moved from the East Coast to Washington.
0:57
SPEAKER_00: So I moved from New Jersey to Washington,
0:59
SPEAKER_00: completely different coast,
1:00
SPEAKER_00: completely different vibes.
1:02
SPEAKER_00: And for the first time in my life,
1:05
I've been faced with the challenge of making friends in
1:09
adulthood and like being in
1:11
SPEAKER_00: an area and an environment where I don't know a single soul.
1:16
SPEAKER_00: I mean, I do.
1:17
SPEAKER_00: Pause.
1:18
SPEAKER_00: I do know some people.
1:18
SPEAKER_00: I know my family here.
1:20
SPEAKER_00: I've met people through work.
1:22
SPEAKER_00: But this is the first time where I have no friends.
1:30
SPEAKER_00: I have no friends.
1:31
SPEAKER_00: And I really have to make friends because I realized,
1:35
SPEAKER_00: and I said this before in my previous episode,
1:37
SPEAKER_00: that a big goal of mine is to build community.
1:40
SPEAKER_00: And you can't build community.
1:42
SPEAKER_00: You can't make friends while you're staying in the house all the time.
1:45
SPEAKER_00: So when I,
1:47
SPEAKER_00: before I moved here,
1:48
SPEAKER_00: I went on a trip and I met some people that used to live in Washington.
1:53
And these people,
1:55
they were warning me,
1:56
they're like,
1:56
oh my God,
1:57
you're from the East Coast.
1:58
SPEAKER_00: Like, and you know, they were, they were, I'm just going to say this.
2:02
SPEAKER_00: They were white men,
2:04
SPEAKER_00: so they were trying to be very respectful and saying like,
2:08
SPEAKER_00: hey,
2:08
SPEAKER_00: I just don't think that Washington is a very diverse state.
2:12
SPEAKER_00: While progressive,
2:14
SPEAKER_00: it's not an extremely diverse state,
2:16
SPEAKER_00: so you may not see people who look like you.
2:20
SPEAKER_00: So they were warning me about this issue.
2:25
terminology I don't know this craze I don't know what to refer
2:29
it as but they were
2:29
warning me about something called the Seattle freeze and
2:33
basically they're saying
2:35
that in Washington specifically Seattle area you'll meet a lot
2:39
of people who are
2:40
very friendly and who will probably you'll exchange socials
2:43
maybe you'll exchange
2:44
numbers but that connection doesn't go beyond that first meet
2:49
like there's no
2:50
SPEAKER_00: nourishing that connection into a friendship or into something that
2:55
sees the light of day beyond that first time you're meeting
2:57
them so just be aware a
2:59
lot of people are non-committal and flaky and they blame it on
3:03
the weather because
3:04
apparently it rains so much here so as I was coming into this
3:11
new state I really
3:11
was bracing myself for the lack of diversity and now I'm
3:16
bracing myself for like
3:17
SPEAKER_00: fickle people for like fakeness so yeah I'm coming very like
3:26
SPEAKER_00: I'm coming like very guarded.
3:30
SPEAKER_00: I'm guarded because I'm already assuming that I will not be understood.
3:34
SPEAKER_00: I'm assuming that a lot of people will be fake here.
3:38
So it kind of gave me a lot of negative...
3:41
I came with a lot of negative pretenses.
3:44
SPEAKER_00: But with that, I was like, you know what?
3:47
SPEAKER_00: I'm still going to try to do my best to put myself out there.
3:50
SPEAKER_00: I don't want to be... Shout out to my previous episode.
3:54
SPEAKER_00: I don't want to be a loser and just...
3:56
be scared of failing or be scared of rejection that I just stay
4:00
in the house all the time.
4:03
SPEAKER_00: So recently what I've been trying to do is I've been trying to
4:10
go out more I've been trying to immerse myself in the community
4:14
and what I've come
4:15
to realize is making friendships or making yourself known in
4:20
this community is
4:21
almost like dating it's like I'm in this friendship dating pool
4:25
where these
4:26
different social events I'm going to I'm kind of you know
4:29
testing it out like do I
4:31
like the vibe of this people do I want to see myself as a
4:34
second date meaning do I
4:35
SPEAKER_00: want to go back to this group do I want to try something else
4:40
SPEAKER_00: And it's been an experience.
4:43
SPEAKER_00: So in previous episodes,
4:46
SPEAKER_00: I had talked to you about,
4:48
SPEAKER_00: hey,
4:48
SPEAKER_00: guys,
4:48
I'm going to start speed dating because I think that I'm in the
4:51
point of my life
4:52
SPEAKER_00: where I'm ready to explore a romantic connection.
4:59
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, you know what?
4:59
SPEAKER_00: I'm a grown woman.
5:00
SPEAKER_00: Like, why not explore?
5:03
SPEAKER_00: So I signed up for speed dating.
5:07
SPEAKER_00: And that experience,
5:10
SPEAKER_00: I basically realized that I'm going to be done trying to force a romantic
5:17
SPEAKER_00: connection.
5:17
SPEAKER_00: And if it happens, it happens.
5:19
SPEAKER_00: This is not something that I'm actively looking for.
5:22
The first time I tried to go to speed dating,
5:24
it got canceled because of low attendance.
5:27
SPEAKER_00: So they were like, okay, yeah, we'll reschedule.
5:30
SPEAKER_00: And then the second time,
5:32
SPEAKER_00: I'm getting an email that I got scheduled in that I'm so excited to go.
5:39
SPEAKER_00: So I drive all the way to Seattle.
5:41
SPEAKER_00: And mind you, I live an hour from Seattle.
5:46
SPEAKER_00: So I'm driving to Seattle.
5:48
SPEAKER_00: I'm stuck in traffic.
5:50
SPEAKER_00: It's saying like it's going to be an hour late.
5:51
SPEAKER_00: I'm freaking out because I'm going to be late to speed dating.
5:55
SPEAKER_00: I'm thinking,
5:55
SPEAKER_00: oh,
5:55
SPEAKER_00: my gosh,
5:56
SPEAKER_00: like if I'm late to speed dating,
5:57
I'm missing out on dates because this is a two hour event and
6:00
now I'm coming an
6:01
SPEAKER_00: hour late.
6:02
SPEAKER_00: So I'm already freaking out.
6:03
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, should I go?
6:04
SPEAKER_00: Should I not?
6:05
SPEAKER_00: Should I turn around?
6:06
SPEAKER_00: But I'm like, this is loser behavior.
6:08
SPEAKER_00: It's loser mentality.
6:10
SPEAKER_00: You're going to go see it through.
6:12
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
6:13
SPEAKER_00: So I parked my car and I'm approaching the police.
6:20
And before I go,
6:20
I was like,
6:21
let me just check the email details one more time.
6:25
I open up my email and I get an email from the coordinator and
6:31
the person says,
6:31
SPEAKER_00: oh,
6:33
SPEAKER_00: um,
6:35
SPEAKER_00: what does she say?
6:38
SPEAKER_00: She's like,
6:40
SPEAKER_00: Oh, hey, it's this is a 5 a.m.
6:43
SPEAKER_00: on that Saturday of the event.
6:44
SPEAKER_00: 5 a.m.
6:46
SPEAKER_00: She was like, hey, sorry, we have to cancel the event.
6:49
SPEAKER_00: A bunch of people who signed up together said they're coming.
6:52
SPEAKER_00: And if they don't come, it's going to cause uneven ratio.
6:55
SPEAKER_00: So we have to cancel.
6:57
SPEAKER_00: And I mean,
6:57
I guess this is this is a lesson to always check your emails in
7:01
the morning because
7:03
SPEAKER_00: I could have saved myself the trip.
7:05
But after the second failed attempt of speed dating,
7:09
I was like,
7:10
yeah,
7:10
I'm not doing this.
7:11
SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm not wasting my time.
7:12
SPEAKER_00: I'm not about to keep driving for this event to keep getting postponed.
7:17
SPEAKER_00: So, yikes.
7:19
SPEAKER_00: Done with that.
7:21
SPEAKER_00: So the speed dating was an epic fail.
7:25
SPEAKER_00: But I was still trying to and I still am trying to be like,
7:29
SPEAKER_00: okay,
7:29
SPEAKER_00: let me be in this lover girl era.
7:32
SPEAKER_00: Let me still explore these like romantic things.
7:39
So I had seen on TikTok,
7:42
there was this running page they're talking about.
7:45
SPEAKER_00: Oh, we're doing this run for love event.
7:48
SPEAKER_00: And it's for like people who are open and single.
7:51
And you wear different colors in the run to show your
7:54
relationship status.
7:55
SPEAKER_00: So red is you wore it if you were single and open.
8:00
SPEAKER_00: Pink was single but self-love.
8:03
SPEAKER_00: I think white was...
8:05
SPEAKER_00: complicated or something and maybe black was taken.
8:09
SPEAKER_00: At first, I was going to be like, yeah, let me do red.
8:12
SPEAKER_00: Let me wear red and be like, I'm single and open.
8:14
SPEAKER_00: I'm ready for this.
8:15
SPEAKER_00: But something in the back of my head the day of was like, girl,
8:23
SPEAKER_00: Just don't do it.
8:24
SPEAKER_00: Like,
8:25
SPEAKER_00: first of all,
8:25
SPEAKER_00: like,
8:26
SPEAKER_00: they're just,
8:27
SPEAKER_00: I guess my ego in me is like,
8:29
SPEAKER_00: wearing red shows desperation.
8:31
SPEAKER_00: And how dare you show other people that you're single and available?
8:36
SPEAKER_00: Like, yikes.
8:37
SPEAKER_00: That could never be me.
8:38
SPEAKER_00: I could never be desperate.
8:43
SPEAKER_00: But here I am actually going to the event.
8:46
So like,
8:46
maybe I am that desperate because I'm literally going to this
8:49
run event.
8:51
SPEAKER_00: Anyway, I was like, I'm not about to wear red.
8:53
SPEAKER_00: Like, that's yuck.
8:55
SPEAKER_00: So I changed to pink for self-love.
8:58
SPEAKER_00: And I'm actually glad that I did because,
9:01
SPEAKER_00: like,
9:02
SPEAKER_00: when I went to that event,
9:04
SPEAKER_00: I wasn't in a social mood.
9:07
SPEAKER_00: And I knew that,
9:08
SPEAKER_00: like,
9:08
SPEAKER_00: sometimes when you're not,
9:09
SPEAKER_00: or at least for me,
9:10
SPEAKER_00: when I'm not in the best mood,
9:13
SPEAKER_00: I come off very snappy and dismissive.
9:18
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, yeah, like, I really didn't want to go.
9:21
SPEAKER_00: I was really in my head.
9:23
All these other things that I was trying to do to like be out
9:26
there,
9:26
be open.
9:27
SPEAKER_00: And it just wasn't working.
9:29
SPEAKER_00: I was coming off the tail of speed dating.
9:32
SPEAKER_00: And like what I forgot is for me, the obstacle is just getting there.
9:40
SPEAKER_00: It takes so much energy for me to be like, I'm doing this alone.
9:44
I'm driving an hour from my house to go run in Seattle with
9:48
people that I don't know.
9:50
SPEAKER_00: So it takes so much energy for me to just get there.
9:53
And once I finally get there,
9:55
the next step is like,
9:56
now I have to talk to people.
9:58
SPEAKER_00: Now I have to spark a conversation.
10:01
and that's an added pressure when you go to events by yourself
10:05
and people usually
10:05
go with us another person a friend they at least have that
10:09
friend to mingle with to
10:11
chat with when you go by yourself you have to be the initiator
10:15
of conversation if
10:16
SPEAKER_00: you want you know that to happen for the most part like sometimes
10:23
your vibe can just be so cool people will approach you but you
10:27
have to like
10:28
initiate that clear from the future here like how am i
10:31
forgetting this part of the
10:32
story so i changed my color from red to pink because i didn't
10:37
want to have that
10:38
SPEAKER_00: pressure of like
10:40
SPEAKER_00: I'm so desperate that I want to be in a relationship.
10:42
SPEAKER_00: So I'm like, okay, let me take it down to self-love.
10:47
So it can just be like,
10:49
hey,
10:49
maybe I'm just focused on platonic connections.
10:52
SPEAKER_00: I'm focused on making friends in this new city.
10:54
So I really thought that changing that added pressure or taking
10:59
that pressure off of like,
11:00
SPEAKER_00: I'm trying to look for a romantic connection,
11:02
SPEAKER_00: more to,
11:03
SPEAKER_00: like,
11:04
SPEAKER_00: I'm really just here for making friends,
11:07
SPEAKER_00: like,
11:07
SPEAKER_00: making connections.
11:08
SPEAKER_00: I thought that was going to be making that whole situation easier.
11:13
SPEAKER_00: It surely doesn't.
11:14
So I got there,
11:17
and I,
11:17
like,
11:17
checked in,
11:18
and then I saw this group of girls.
11:20
SPEAKER_00: So I was like, okay, or women.
11:22
SPEAKER_00: Let me say women.
11:23
SPEAKER_00: We not girls no more.
11:24
SPEAKER_00: Saw this group of women, and I went there, and this is before the race.
11:28
SPEAKER_00: It was probably, like, 45 degrees.
11:31
And I went up to them and I was like,
11:34
hey,
11:34
like,
11:34
are you ready for the race?
11:36
SPEAKER_00: You know, trying to be like, all like, you know, small talk.
11:40
SPEAKER_00: And they're like, yeah, it's so cold.
11:43
SPEAKER_00: And...
11:44
i like i i'm so awkward sometimes when i'm uncomfortable in a
11:48
situation i just
11:49
become very snappy i think i said that or i'd be like
11:52
dismissive so this one girl's
11:55
i'm like i'm it's so cold and i'm like a smart ass and like say
12:00
actually it's not
12:01
that cold and they look at me like side eye like what the heck
12:08
why are you telling
12:09
SPEAKER_00: me it's not cold
12:11
SPEAKER_00: And then they're like, have you been here long?
12:13
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, no, I just got here.
12:14
SPEAKER_00: Okay, well, stand here long and you'll see.
12:17
SPEAKER_00: And in my head, I'm like, okay, girl.
12:22
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
12:23
SPEAKER_00: The attitude is crazy.
12:24
SPEAKER_00: I said it wasn't cold.
12:25
SPEAKER_00: I could have preference and said in my,
12:28
SPEAKER_00: just in my opinion,
12:29
SPEAKER_00: it's not that cold for me because I'm an East Coast girl.
12:32
SPEAKER_00: So 45 degree winter.
12:35
SPEAKER_00: is a pretty warm winter, especially because it's not snowing.
12:38
SPEAKER_00: They got a blizzard over there in the east.
12:40
SPEAKER_00: Like,
12:41
SPEAKER_00: and on top of it,
12:43
SPEAKER_00: how I feel about it is you knew we were going outside to,
12:46
SPEAKER_00: we're not running inside.
12:48
SPEAKER_00: So you should have worn appropriate layers.
12:51
SPEAKER_00: It's not cold because I had gloves.
12:53
SPEAKER_00: I had thermal.
12:54
SPEAKER_00: I had an earmuff.
12:55
SPEAKER_00: I wasn't cold.
12:56
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, granted, I just got there.
12:58
SPEAKER_00: But also,
12:58
SPEAKER_00: if you,
12:59
SPEAKER_00: instead of running in place,
13:01
SPEAKER_00: if you do a little joggy jog or whatever,
13:03
SPEAKER_00: you will get that heart rate pumping.
13:05
SPEAKER_00: You will get the blood flowing.
13:06
SPEAKER_00: You will feel less cold.
13:08
SPEAKER_00: So I could have said all of that.
13:10
SPEAKER_00: But I invalidated their feelings.
13:16
SPEAKER_00: I came off like a smartass.
13:18
SPEAKER_00: So...
13:20
that conversation after that it was kind of like who is she and
13:24
then they went back
13:24
to themselves so i was like okay so then i just kind of
13:30
awkwardly sat there and
13:32
waited for the race and when i got to the race i met this girl
13:36
and we were running
13:38
for a little bit but then i guess i just was running faster
13:41
than her so we kind of
13:45
SPEAKER_00: separated a little bit but
13:48
yeah after that race they were all like chatting and i'm so
13:51
awkward i'm just like
13:52
sitting standing there like trying to talk i talked to that
13:55
girl i was running with
13:56
she was starting a baking business so we exchanged socials but
14:01
i felt so awkward
14:02
and i was like i'm just not in this i'm not in the position or
14:07
energy or vibe i
14:08
SPEAKER_00: don't feel like making friends or starting conversations
14:15
SPEAKER_00: I literally had my friend,
14:17
SPEAKER_00: I said,
14:17
SPEAKER_00: I texted my friend,
14:18
SPEAKER_00: I said,
14:18
SPEAKER_00: can you call me right now so I can do an Irish goodbye?
14:22
SPEAKER_00: And she was like, yeah, I can call, but I can't speak.
14:25
SPEAKER_00: So I was like, oh, hey, like, oh, cool.
14:29
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, no way.
14:30
SPEAKER_00: And then I'm just leaving because I couldn't even say about it.
14:36
SPEAKER_00: So that experience, I realized that it's not enough to just show up.
14:42
SPEAKER_00: Like, you have to do that extra step of talking.
14:45
SPEAKER_00: Or at least if you're not talking,
14:47
SPEAKER_00: if you don't want to talk,
14:49
SPEAKER_00: you have to do that extra step of being comfortable being alone.
14:56
SPEAKER_00: Like, if you're going to events by yourself.
14:58
SPEAKER_00: Like, being comfortable being in the moment by yourself.
15:01
SPEAKER_00: So what I learned from that run club experience,
15:06
SPEAKER_00: I took with me the next week when I went to a Galentine's Day event.
15:11
SPEAKER_00: So this past Saturday, I went to another event by myself.
15:15
SPEAKER_00: I know.
15:17
SPEAKER_00: Don't feel sorry for me.
15:19
SPEAKER_00: But I went to another event by myself and I was like,
15:21
SPEAKER_00: you know what,
15:21
SPEAKER_00: Claire,
15:22
SPEAKER_00: don't be standoffish.
15:24
SPEAKER_00: Don't retreat because you're shy.
15:27
Just enjoy yourself and be comfortable and be content and sit
15:33
in that awkwardness.
15:35
SPEAKER_00: So on Saturday, I went to Seattle again, another hour drive.
15:41
SPEAKER_00: And I went to this Valentine's Day event.
15:44
I learned about this event because I went to,
15:49
I met this girl at the airport.
15:51
SPEAKER_00: And it's so funny, that story.
15:55
SPEAKER_00: So I was supposed to go to, I was going to California.
15:59
SPEAKER_00: And prior to my flight, I was like, you know what?
16:01
SPEAKER_00: I'm going to romanticize my life.
16:03
SPEAKER_00: I made myself a little drinky drink.
16:06
SPEAKER_00: And I'm going to have fun.
16:08
SPEAKER_00: So I'm sitting at the bar.
16:09
SPEAKER_00: I have my journal open and I'm journaling.
16:12
And then I have this girl next to me and she like looks up and
16:16
she's like,
16:16
SPEAKER_00: oh my gosh,
16:16
SPEAKER_00: I love your journal.
16:17
SPEAKER_00: I journal too.
16:18
And then we like spark a conversation and we just get to
16:21
talking and we like really
16:23
SPEAKER_00: instantly connect.
16:24
SPEAKER_00: Like we're both Tauruses.
16:25
SPEAKER_00: We're both a Scorpio moon.
16:28
SPEAKER_00: Like we both work in tech.
16:30
SPEAKER_00: We're both from the East Coast.
16:31
SPEAKER_00: It was just so great to have a great little volley and banter.
16:35
SPEAKER_00: And then I was like, you know what?
16:37
SPEAKER_00: Let me get myself another drink, okay?
16:40
SPEAKER_00: And I got myself a lemon drop.
16:42
SPEAKER_00: I'm telling you, those lemon drops were strong, okay?
16:47
SPEAKER_00: Those were nice, strong lemon drops.
16:49
And I was so excited because I'm like,
16:51
oh,
16:51
I'm about to be buzzed on this flight.
16:54
SPEAKER_00: I'm about to be a cute little buzz.
16:59
And I ended up miscalculating and spending too much time in the
17:05
bar,
17:05
and I missed my flight.
17:08
SPEAKER_00: Yeah,
17:09
SPEAKER_00: so I had to come back the next day,
17:11
SPEAKER_00: but she had told me about this event that this social group was doing.
17:16
SPEAKER_00: They were doing a Valentine's Day event, and she was going to go.
17:18
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, okay, great.
17:20
SPEAKER_00: Like,
17:21
SPEAKER_00: I'm going to go because I really enjoyed getting or meeting this girl,
17:25
SPEAKER_00: and I really could see myself being friends with her.
17:29
SPEAKER_00: So I need to do more than just like,
17:34
SPEAKER_00: oh,
17:34
SPEAKER_00: yeah,
17:34
SPEAKER_00: let's exchange socials or we should hang out because –
17:38
If you don't act on that initial meetup with somebody that
17:43
maybe you just met,
17:44
SPEAKER_00: like a friend,
17:44
SPEAKER_00: if you don't make tangible plans,
17:47
SPEAKER_00: I would say within two weeks after meeting them,
17:51
SPEAKER_00: that friendship is doomed to a social media friendship.
17:56
SPEAKER_00: Where you've connected on Instagram or maybe TikTok or wherever,
17:59
SPEAKER_00: you probably show support by liking posts.
18:03
SPEAKER_00: But there's no real friendship there.
18:05
There's no like,
18:06
hey,
18:06
we hang out or we're actually like trying to build a
18:11
friendship.
18:13
SPEAKER_00: So I was like, you know what?
18:13
SPEAKER_00: I'm going to challenge myself.
18:15
SPEAKER_00: I'm not going to be complicit or.
18:17
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I'm not going to participate in the Seattle freeze.
18:21
SPEAKER_00: I'm really going to go.
18:24
SPEAKER_00: So I got my ticket.
18:26
SPEAKER_00: And the girl, she ended up not being able to make it.
18:30
SPEAKER_00: So it was okay.
18:32
SPEAKER_00: But I was a little bummed because, like, okay, here I go again.
18:35
SPEAKER_00: I'm not going to know anyone.
18:36
SPEAKER_00: And then I go to this Valentine's Day event.
18:39
SPEAKER_00: Again, I'm an hour late.
18:40
SPEAKER_00: Like, I just can't be on time.
18:43
And when I get there,
18:45
a lot of people are,
18:46
you know,
18:48
came there with somebody else.
18:49
SPEAKER_00: And I felt kind of awkward just, like, standing around.
18:53
SPEAKER_00: So I was like, you know what, I'm going to talk to people.
18:55
SPEAKER_00: So I grabbed, like, they had a little, like, charcuterie platter.
19:00
SPEAKER_00: So I grabbed a little plate, got some charcuterie things.
19:04
SPEAKER_00: I talked to a few people and made charms.
19:08
And I think what I liked about that event was there was active
19:11
things to do.
19:12
SPEAKER_00: So,
19:13
SPEAKER_00: like,
19:13
SPEAKER_00: even though I wasn't talking to somebody,
19:15
SPEAKER_00: I was,
19:15
SPEAKER_00: like,
19:15
SPEAKER_00: actively making charms or just,
19:18
SPEAKER_00: like,
19:18
SPEAKER_00: enjoying the moment.
19:19
SPEAKER_00: Like, at one point, I had, like, there was...
19:23
like a mirror and I went to it I took video in the mirror I
19:26
took pictures I just
19:27
really enjoyed my time and enjoyed just being by myself and
19:32
that kind of sparked
19:33
conversations with other people and as I was leaving there was
19:38
this girl who came
19:39
up to me and she was like oh my gosh I've been meaning to say
19:41
this the whole night
19:42
SPEAKER_00: but I really love your outfit I loved how you put it together and
19:47
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, oh, my God.
19:50
SPEAKER_00: I was so excited and so happy because in my head, I felt so shy.
19:55
SPEAKER_00: I felt so awkward.
19:56
SPEAKER_00: I felt so stupid.
19:57
SPEAKER_00: And I felt telling myself, I'm so stupid.
20:00
SPEAKER_00: Like, why am I doing this?
20:01
SPEAKER_00: Oh, my God.
20:02
SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm by myself.
20:05
SPEAKER_00: But I really tried to exude that confidence.
20:07
SPEAKER_00: I really tried to exude that, like,
20:11
SPEAKER_00: I am the shit.
20:12
SPEAKER_00: And, like, I got complimented.
20:13
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, thanks, girl.
20:14
SPEAKER_00: Like,
20:15
little does she know that little compliment really did so much
20:18
to me because I was
20:19
SPEAKER_00: like,
20:19
SPEAKER_00: I'm texting my friend from back home.
20:23
SPEAKER_00: I'm not doing this again.
20:24
SPEAKER_00: I'm just going to stay home.
20:26
Like,
20:26
it's so hard,
20:28
like,
20:30
to put yourself out there,
20:31
to date around,
20:33
friendship-wise.
20:34
SPEAKER_00: So...
20:39
SPEAKER_00: I think I had to reframe
20:43
my expectations or I am reframing my expectations when it comes
20:46
to friendships.
20:47
SPEAKER_00: Because I think that what I'm realizing in these environments,
20:51
SPEAKER_00: you know,
20:51
SPEAKER_00: when I went to Galentine's Day,
20:53
SPEAKER_00: I went to the running event,
20:55
SPEAKER_00: I've been to different TikTok events.
20:57
SPEAKER_00: What I'm realizing is it's not that people are unfriendly.
21:00
It's just that we're all consumed in our own life and
21:03
everybody,
21:04
lives are very saturated.
21:05
SPEAKER_00: So if you're not making that intentional effort to
21:10
grow and like you know reach out connect like hey what's up
21:15
then people are going
21:17
SPEAKER_00: to resume back to their normal lives they're going to resume back to the
21:20
connections that they have I also realized that I was coming
21:23
into the this I don't
21:26
want to say a task but I was coming into this like journey of
21:30
trying to make
21:30
friends in this new city with the expectation of an instant
21:33
connection where I can
21:34
SPEAKER_00: like find somebody that I can kiki with and it can be great you know
21:39
SPEAKER_00: But I had to realize that when people are meeting somebody new,
21:45
SPEAKER_00: just like me,
21:46
SPEAKER_00: everybody's coming with their own lived experiences.
21:49
SPEAKER_00: They're coming with their own experiences.
21:54
SPEAKER_00: maybe precautions or apprehensions because of their past, right?
21:58
Like maybe they had betrayal in their former friendships or
22:04
maybe they found
22:06
SPEAKER_00: difficulty being relatable with other people.
22:08
SPEAKER_00: So when they meet somebody new,
22:10
SPEAKER_00: no one's going to like put their guard down and be like,
22:12
SPEAKER_00: here are all my secrets,
22:13
SPEAKER_00: let's be friends.
22:15
SPEAKER_00: Like, no, it's definitely going to be surface level at first.
22:20
SPEAKER_00: And I had to realize as I'm on this journey of finding friends,
22:25
I had to do some self-reflection myself and realize that I have
22:32
not always been a
22:32
SPEAKER_00: good friend.
22:35
SPEAKER_00: And I think the issue that I'm coming to terms with,
22:40
SPEAKER_00: it's not that I've struggled to find good friends.
22:43
SPEAKER_00: It's that sometimes I've struggled being a good, consistent friend.
22:50
SPEAKER_00: And I think...
22:52
SPEAKER_00: I think for the most part,
22:53
SPEAKER_00: like in my early 20s,
22:55
SPEAKER_00: I was rejecting communities and friendships that were accepting me.
23:00
SPEAKER_00: And I was chasing after friend groups that didn't care about me,
23:06
SPEAKER_00: that didn't accept me and that probably hated me.
23:11
But yeah,
23:14
as I do reflection,
23:15
I'm like,
23:16
I was not the best of friends to people.
23:20
SPEAKER_00: And I think what I realized is
23:22
SPEAKER_00: I don't like when people see me.
23:26
SPEAKER_00: For the most,
23:27
SPEAKER_00: for the longest time,
23:28
I've been very great at being unnoticed or very great at
23:34
highlighting other people,
23:35
SPEAKER_00: living for other people,
23:37
SPEAKER_00: uplifting other people,
23:38
SPEAKER_00: and putting other people first so I could hide.
23:43
SPEAKER_00: And I realized that when I get to know people and people get to know me,
23:48
SPEAKER_00: sooner or later,
23:48
SPEAKER_00: they're going to be able to see me.
23:50
SPEAKER_00: They're going to get to see the real version of me,
23:54
SPEAKER_00: the things that I can't edit or I can't control.
23:59
SPEAKER_00: And that scared me a lot in my former friendships.
24:03
SPEAKER_00: I think I'm thinking about specifically about one friendship that I had.
24:09
SPEAKER_00: She was a good friend.
24:10
SPEAKER_00: She was a good friend.
24:12
SPEAKER_00: And I likewise,
24:14
SPEAKER_00: you know,
24:14
SPEAKER_00: I came in there with the intentions of being a good friend,
24:17
SPEAKER_00: but intentions don't negate impact.
24:20
SPEAKER_00: And my impact was I was a severely insecure person.
24:25
SPEAKER_00: I was running for myself.
24:26
SPEAKER_00: And she saw me a little bit.
24:28
SPEAKER_00: She saw the cracks.
24:29
SPEAKER_00: She tried to expose their cracks, and I think I just wasn't ready.
24:34
SPEAKER_00: I wasn't ready to meet her there and to be real with myself.
24:38
SPEAKER_00: So instead of being like, yeah, you're right, I do need a change or...
24:44
SPEAKER_00: maybe I should evaluate these things about myself, I lashed out.
24:49
SPEAKER_00: And that caused the demise of the friendship.
24:53
SPEAKER_00: And you have to live with your choices, you know?
24:58
SPEAKER_00: I did apologize, but probably I could have done a better apology.
25:01
SPEAKER_00: You know, hindsight is 20-20.
25:05
SPEAKER_00: And I think for the best,
25:08
SPEAKER_00: I think it's for the best that we're not friends because,
25:10
SPEAKER_00: yeah,
25:11
SPEAKER_00: I think I was competitive.
25:15
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I also didn't really trust her 100%, and that's bad.
25:20
SPEAKER_00: I think what I realized is I think she really trusted me 100%,
25:22
SPEAKER_00: and she really seen me as a friend,
25:25
SPEAKER_00: but I'm the type of person where...
25:30
SPEAKER_00: No,
25:30
SPEAKER_00: even if even if you're my close friend,
25:32
SPEAKER_00: my close,
25:33
SPEAKER_00: close friend,
25:34
SPEAKER_00: I might always have my one eye open or one eye,
25:37
SPEAKER_00: you know,
25:37
SPEAKER_00: because I just like I don't really know.
25:41
SPEAKER_00: And I shouldn't be this apprehensive.
25:43
I shouldn't be discarded because how am I going to expect
25:46
people to trust me and
25:47
have full trust in me and show like show up vulnerably when I'm
25:52
not doing that?
25:54
So I had to realize that I also have come to terms that I've
25:59
not been a good friend
26:00
SPEAKER_00: because I was very passive aggressive.
26:04
SPEAKER_00: Like I used to never say how I really felt.
26:08
I used to like expect people to read my mind or I used to like
26:13
bottle things up,
26:14
SPEAKER_00: compartmentalize and explode.
26:17
SPEAKER_00: So that is not good for friendship.
26:19
SPEAKER_00: So if anybody's had previous,
26:22
SPEAKER_00: like my previous friendship experience,
26:25
SPEAKER_00: of course they're going to come reserved and hesitant.
26:28
SPEAKER_00: And of course,
26:29
SPEAKER_00: your first time meeting people,
26:31
SPEAKER_00: it's going to be so generic and like surface level.
26:36
SPEAKER_00: Like what I've come to realize with Seattle is
26:40
SPEAKER_00: is that the conversations are so surface level.
26:43
SPEAKER_00: Like everything is about,
26:45
SPEAKER_00: yeah,
26:46
SPEAKER_00: you know,
26:46
SPEAKER_00: the weather,
26:49
SPEAKER_00: it rains a lot here,
26:50
SPEAKER_00: but those summers,
26:52
SPEAKER_00: just you wait on those summers.
26:54
SPEAKER_00: Just you wait.
26:55
SPEAKER_00: Like we have like,
26:57
SPEAKER_00: oh my gosh,
26:57
like if I have to have one more conversation with a Seattleite
27:01
slash Washingtonian
27:02
SPEAKER_00: about how great the summers are,
27:05
SPEAKER_00: I'm going to like,
27:07
scream you know i just realized for me i don't like smile talk
27:13
i don't really care
27:13
about that but i really can't expect people to go deep right
27:17
away because i don't
27:18
go deep right away and when people try to go deep right away
27:21
with me i'm like is
27:22
this an interrogation i don't even know you dude like calm down
27:26
oh my god so yeah
27:32
SPEAKER_00: me going through those friendship breakups
27:38
SPEAKER_00: It kind of put me in a position where I felt like I was in limbo.
27:42
SPEAKER_00: And I felt like after, because like I had a friendship breakup in 2024.
27:48
SPEAKER_00: And then after that, in 2025, I really felt kind of alone and isolated.
27:52
SPEAKER_00: This is when I was still in Jersey.
27:53
SPEAKER_00: I still had connections through like work and stuff.
27:58
SPEAKER_00: And I had people, you know...
28:00
from my hometown but I didn't really have that like friend that
28:04
was like near me
28:05
and like I could just call and hang out and we could just you
28:09
know hang out and do
28:10
stupid stuff I did have a co-worker who we instantly vibe and
28:15
connected with like I
28:16
just love her so much because she understands my humor and we
28:21
can just have stupid
28:22
SPEAKER_00: fun like you know what I mean like we can be extremely blunt and
28:28
And then real,
28:29
and it's not like we have to do the whole,
28:32
like,
28:33
over-explaining.
28:35
SPEAKER_00: Like, I've come to realize that I'm a very sarcastic person.
28:39
SPEAKER_00: I'm self-aware about that.
28:41
SPEAKER_00: Like, I think...
28:43
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I'm sarcastic, a little witty.
28:47
SPEAKER_00: And what I think of as witty and a fun shade can come off as dismissive.
28:52
SPEAKER_00: So oftentimes I realize that now I have to not over explain,
28:56
SPEAKER_00: but not assume that everybody is coming on the same baseline as me.
29:00
SPEAKER_00: So I first established baseline, like, hey, where are we at here?
29:05
SPEAKER_00: So yeah, guys, making friends is super hard.
29:09
SPEAKER_00: And for me,
29:10
SPEAKER_00: in my recent past,
29:12
SPEAKER_00: it's been feeling like dating,
29:13
like all these different social groups that I'm trying to go to
29:17
feels like all
29:18
SPEAKER_00: these different first dates.
29:19
Now I'm figuring out and I'm like,
29:22
you know,
29:22
I've been reading this book called Getting To I Do.
29:24
SPEAKER_00: And it talks about if you want to be a feminine energy in a relationship,
29:28
SPEAKER_00: you feminine energy accepts or rejects.
29:32
SPEAKER_00: So even in my quest to find friends and make friends here in the city,
29:37
SPEAKER_00: I'm like going to these groups and like,
29:39
SPEAKER_00: I'm going to decide,
29:41
SPEAKER_00: am I going to accept this and try for a second date?
29:44
Maybe I'll go to a second event or am I going to reject it and
29:48
try a different group?
29:50
SPEAKER_00: And then I'm thinking about what I'm going to wear.
29:52
SPEAKER_00: I'm trying to hype myself up as I go to them.
29:55
SPEAKER_00: Like, okay, Claire, like, don't be shy.
29:57
SPEAKER_00: Like, be confident that it's like,
30:01
SPEAKER_00: did I get people's numbers?
30:03
SPEAKER_00: Did I exchange socials?
30:04
Like to me,
30:06
I'm trying to take that pressure out of like being so desperate
30:10
for a relationship.
30:13
SPEAKER_00: And now I feel like I've replaced it.
30:14
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, am I being so desperate for a friendship?
30:18
But this is the first time that I've ever really experienced
30:21
living in a new area
30:22
SPEAKER_00: where I don't have somebody that I can instantly connect with,
30:27
SPEAKER_00: especially like
30:29
SPEAKER_00: When, you know, I have a job, like
30:34
SPEAKER_00: It's nice when you have a friend,
30:36
SPEAKER_00: like even when you have friends at the job where you can be like,
30:38
SPEAKER_00: okay,
30:40
SPEAKER_00: we can put the mask down and we can talk for real.
30:43
SPEAKER_00: Or if I have a friend's like, oh, we both had a pretty crazy hectic week.
30:48
SPEAKER_00: Let's come over.
30:50
Let's get Chipotle and watch Love is Blind or let's watch Love
30:53
Island together.
30:54
SPEAKER_00: I miss those dates.
30:55
SPEAKER_00: Let's go to a wine bar and watch Love Island.
30:59
SPEAKER_00: I miss...
31:00
SPEAKER_00: That platonic connection.
31:03
SPEAKER_00: And now I'm struggled to find it.
31:05
SPEAKER_00: And I'm thinking.
31:09
SPEAKER_00: I'm coming with expectation of one, this, this state isn't for me.
31:14
SPEAKER_00: These people are not going to get my vibe.
31:17
And then I'm thinking,
31:17
oh,
31:18
I have to settle for surface level conversations.
31:21
SPEAKER_00: And this is my same frustration that I have with dating.
31:23
SPEAKER_00: It's like, I don't want to just talk about your favorite color.
31:26
SPEAKER_00: I don't want to just be on the surface level.
31:30
SPEAKER_00: Like, let's get, let's dig in.
31:32
SPEAKER_00: Let's get deep.
31:33
SPEAKER_00: And like, I feel that with these platonic connections, but
31:38
SPEAKER_00: why do I feel like I deserve that?
31:41
SPEAKER_00: I don't know them and they don't know me.
31:43
And should somebody ask me deep questions when I don't know
31:46
them,
31:47
I'm like,
31:47
who are you?
31:51
SPEAKER_00: So there's this dilemma that I'm in,
31:55
SPEAKER_00: but it got me to think this question,
32:00
SPEAKER_00: why is community important or is community even important in adulthood?
32:04
So obviously,
32:05
you know me,
32:06
I'm going to put my research girl hat on and I'm going to
32:11
SPEAKER_00: and do my research.
32:12
SPEAKER_00: And I remember a few years ago,
32:13
SPEAKER_00: because I have an MPH,
32:15
SPEAKER_00: guys,
32:16
SPEAKER_00: a public health degree,
32:17
SPEAKER_00: and there was this conversation about an epidemic of loneliness,
32:23
SPEAKER_00: an epidemic of loneliness.
32:24
SPEAKER_00: So I researched it.
32:25
SPEAKER_00: And in 2023, the U.S.
32:26
SPEAKER_00: Surgeon General
32:30
SPEAKER_00: pardon me,
32:31
SPEAKER_00: he declared a national epidemic of loneliness in the United States,
32:37
SPEAKER_00: one to two Americans experience or reported feeling measurable levels of
32:44
SPEAKER_00: loneliness.
32:45
SPEAKER_00: So this is coming from the wake of COVID, where we were all in the house.
32:49
SPEAKER_00: We all kind of got accustomed to be
32:53
SPEAKER_00: in isolation away from people.
32:55
SPEAKER_00: And,
32:55
SPEAKER_00: you know,
32:56
SPEAKER_00: maybe during COVID,
32:57
SPEAKER_00: we had the intentions of learning a new language or getting skillful.
33:01
SPEAKER_00: But in that, we've developed a lot of bad habits.
33:06
I think from COVID,
33:07
I became a doom scroller and I just lost a lot of attention
33:11
span.
33:11
SPEAKER_00: And I was a homebody before, but I'm such a homebody now.
33:16
SPEAKER_00: So like I stay in isolation and I feel like I prefer that.
33:21
But studies have shown loneliness can lead to cognitive
33:26
diseases like Alzheimer's.
33:30
SPEAKER_00: It can lead to increased risk of obesity.
33:34
SPEAKER_00: It can...
33:35
SPEAKER_00: lead to just more diminished health.
33:39
SPEAKER_00: So this is actually something that is important or impacting our health.
33:45
SPEAKER_00: Not only is it impacting your mental health,
33:48
SPEAKER_00: so a lot of people are reporting,
33:49
SPEAKER_00: you know,
33:50
SPEAKER_00: feeling depressed or anxious,
33:53
SPEAKER_00: lonely.
33:54
SPEAKER_00: It's actually affecting your physical health.
33:56
SPEAKER_00: People who are isolated and live by themselves,
33:58
SPEAKER_00: I don't have the exact statistic,
34:00
SPEAKER_00: but they live less than
34:03
SPEAKER_00: Or they have less years than people who are in community with people.
34:07
SPEAKER_00: Also,
34:07
SPEAKER_00: if you take it a step further,
34:10
SPEAKER_00: spiritually,
34:11
SPEAKER_00: God didn't even make us to be individuals that were isolated alone.
34:17
SPEAKER_00: And I always think about this verse,
34:19
SPEAKER_00: this is in Hebrews,
34:21
SPEAKER_00: let us spur one another to gather together.
34:26
SPEAKER_00: and not,
34:27
SPEAKER_00: I'm butchering the verse,
34:29
SPEAKER_00: but it's saying,
34:29
let us gather and be in good deeds and not meet as some of us
34:34
are in habit of
34:35
SPEAKER_00: doing.
34:35
SPEAKER_00: So there is a habit, you know, it's human nature.
34:38
SPEAKER_00: When you're not feeling the best, you're not feeling hot.
34:41
SPEAKER_00: You're not gonna wanna put yourself out there.
34:44
SPEAKER_00: You're probably gonna wanna cocoon,
34:46
SPEAKER_00: but don't make a habit of that because that is not good for your health.
34:50
SPEAKER_00: It's not good for your soul.
34:51
SPEAKER_00: It's not good at all.
34:53
for you so communities are really important and friends are
34:57
really important
34:58
specifically in adulthood i was reading another article because
35:02
now i'm like
35:03
researching you know why is this important and this article is
35:07
saying that friends
35:09
are good for your mental and emotional health because friends
35:13
can help raise your
35:15
sense of connection they can help you raise your sense of
35:17
belonging you think about
35:19
SPEAKER_00: like i love my friends because
35:22
SPEAKER_00: My friends love reality TV,
35:24
so I feel like I belong in that group because we can always
35:27
kiki about our favorite
35:29
SPEAKER_00: reality shows.
35:30
SPEAKER_00: And it's not like,
35:32
what's the current social economic state of the world and why
35:34
are you talking about
35:35
SPEAKER_00: Bravo?
35:36
SPEAKER_00: There's a duality there.
35:38
SPEAKER_00: I can talk about what's going on in the world and I can be informed.
35:41
SPEAKER_00: Don't think that I'm not.
35:42
SPEAKER_00: But I can also talk about NeNe Leakes returning to Ultimate Girls Trip.
35:47
SPEAKER_00: You know, like that sense of belonging is there.
35:50
SPEAKER_00: Also, friends can boost your sense of happiness and lower stress.
35:54
Like I think for me,
35:57
like anytime,
35:58
like when I'm the happiest,
36:00
I'm hanging out with my friends.
36:02
SPEAKER_00: Like one of my happiest moments is always I have this one friend.
36:06
SPEAKER_00: She would always come to my apartment.
36:07
SPEAKER_00: We would get food and watch TV.
36:09
SPEAKER_00: Super fun.
36:10
SPEAKER_00: I have another friend.
36:12
Like when we used to work together,
36:13
just venting about like the craziness of work.
36:16
SPEAKER_00: Yes, that lowered stress.
36:18
SPEAKER_00: Girl, hold on.
36:18
SPEAKER_00: Can you believe this?
36:19
SPEAKER_00: No way.
36:21
SPEAKER_00: So friends can help with that.
36:23
SPEAKER_00: And you can also improve on your self-confidence because like...
36:27
have you guys ever had that moment where maybe you're not
36:30
feeling the best you're
36:31
like oh I don't know you call your friend up like I don't like
36:34
let's say I don't
36:35
know if you can hear my dog sorry she is whining she wants to
36:38
come in but let's say
36:39
you're like applying for a job like girl I don't know if I
36:41
should apply like you
36:42
better apply for that lie on the um resume go ahead girl you
36:46
know what I mean that
36:47
SPEAKER_00: like they boost up your confidence your self-esteem like or
36:51
SPEAKER_00: Okay, I see you've been putting work in the gym.
36:53
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
36:54
SPEAKER_00: What ways?
36:55
SPEAKER_00: What ways?
36:56
SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
36:57
SPEAKER_00: Friends can help in that aspect.
37:00
SPEAKER_00: They also can help you cope through hard times.
37:03
So like I'm in my late 20s and now we're having friends go
37:09
through like we're going
37:11
SPEAKER_00: through real life,
37:12
SPEAKER_00: you know,
37:12
SPEAKER_00: so you have like the loss of a job,
37:16
SPEAKER_00: maybe end of a relationship,
37:18
SPEAKER_00: the start of a relationship.
37:19
SPEAKER_00: So like those good,
37:20
SPEAKER_00: happy times,
37:21
SPEAKER_00: all of those things that you're going through,
37:23
your friends are going to be there for you to help you uplift
37:25
you in the good,
37:26
SPEAKER_00: even uplift you in the bad.
37:28
celebrate you all of those things that's why your friendship is
37:31
important so that's
37:32
why it's like i'm not crazy like i had to research i'm not
37:35
crazy for wanting that
37:37
SPEAKER_00: for desiring community because i'm actually thinking about my health
37:45
So another study that I looked at,
37:46
this is coming from the American Psychological Association.
37:52
SPEAKER_00: They reviewed studies.
37:54
SPEAKER_00: So it reviewed 38 studies and found adult friendships,
37:58
SPEAKER_00: especially high quality ones that provide social support,
38:02
SPEAKER_00: companionship,
38:02
can significantly predict well-being and can protect against
38:07
mental issues.
38:08
health issues such as depression anxiety so this is like a
38:12
health intervention
38:14
friendships it's not like something oh like you're just being a
38:18
little girl like
38:19
adults don't have friends no like i'm concerned about my health
38:24
okay i'm trying to
38:24
live forever i need friends to lower my stress to help me be
38:31
part of a community
38:34
SPEAKER_00: So, like, it's really important to go after that.
38:39
And I think it's also important,
38:41
like,
38:41
I don't know if you guys are in the same boat as me.
38:43
SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
38:44
Maybe you guys still have your friends that are close or maybe
38:49
you are so great at
38:50
SPEAKER_00: finding friends.
38:52
SPEAKER_00: But I think...
38:54
SPEAKER_00: what I'm realizing is like,
38:56
SPEAKER_00: it's okay to admit in your desires and to go after them and don't call it
39:04
SPEAKER_00: desperation.
39:06
SPEAKER_00: That's just you being a human.
39:08
SPEAKER_00: I'm talking to myself right now.
39:09
SPEAKER_00: I'm just being a human because I want friends.
39:12
So I just wanted to close it with what I'm currently doing to
39:20
make friends or to
39:24
go on this friendship journey on this like these dating
39:28
friendship dates is I'm
39:31
trying to change my expectation and understand that in the
39:34
season of my life I'm
39:35
really focusing on self-growth I'm focusing on self-improvement
39:40
and maybe in that
39:42
SPEAKER_00: I'm not meant to find
39:44
the closest best friend that i'm going to do everything with i
39:48
think that this
39:49
stage of my life i'm really meant to choose myself and much of
39:53
this journey is
39:54
meant to be gone independently so i can build a community but i
40:00
don't want to have
40:01
that dependency on friendships that i probably once had and it
40:05
was unhealthy
40:07
SPEAKER_00: So I'm coming with the expectation that it's okay to be lighthearted.
40:11
SPEAKER_00: It's okay to be surface level.
40:13
SPEAKER_00: Surface level doesn't have to mean fake.
40:15
SPEAKER_00: And surface level is a good starting point that can grow into something.
40:20
SPEAKER_00: Like I'm thinking about a breading friendship that I'm having.
40:26
um with somebody i met in this state it's sort of very surface
40:32
level but i really
40:33
do appreciate this woman for who she is in my life and i think
40:38
that we're friends
40:39
like dare i say we're friends i think we are this is my friend
40:43
dance yeah i think
40:44
SPEAKER_00: she's my friend so
40:47
SPEAKER_00: I really just try to reframe my mindset.
40:51
SPEAKER_00: I also am trying to do more to feed my friendship.
40:53
SPEAKER_00: So when I meet people,
40:55
SPEAKER_00: not be stuck in that friend or social media purgatory where it's like,
41:01
SPEAKER_00: yeah,
41:01
SPEAKER_00: let's connect on social.
41:03
SPEAKER_00: What's your Instagram?
41:04
SPEAKER_00: What's your TikTok?
41:05
SPEAKER_00: But beyond that, I try to feed that.
41:08
SPEAKER_00: So maybe I'm like,
41:10
going to an event that somebody invited me to um maybe I need
41:15
to do more effort of
41:16
like okay I can invite somebody out like hey there's this event
41:20
here so just trying
41:21
to feed those friendships that I'm making those connections so
41:24
it doesn't it
41:25
doesn't just live on the phone like it actually can be a real
41:29
relationship
41:32
SPEAKER_00: I am also trying to be an active listener.
41:36
SPEAKER_00: I have been told that I am not a great listener.
41:41
SPEAKER_00: I had a critique said to me that I listen to respond.
41:47
SPEAKER_00: I don't actively listen.
41:49
SPEAKER_00: I beg to differ because I really do feel like I actively listen,
41:52
SPEAKER_00: but sometimes I can admit I am preoccupied.
41:57
So I am trying to just be more present in the conversations
42:01
that I have when I meet
42:02
SPEAKER_00: people in the wild and actively listen.
42:07
SPEAKER_00: I also,
42:08
SPEAKER_00: in my quest and my journey to find friends,
42:11
SPEAKER_00: I am also trying to be kind without performing.
42:16
I realized in my former friendships as I'm trying to like
42:19
self-reflect and I spoke
42:21
SPEAKER_00: about how I wasn't the best friend.
42:23
SPEAKER_00: You know,
42:24
I didn't show up as the best friend is because I think I was
42:27
being a performative
42:28
SPEAKER_00: friend.
42:29
SPEAKER_00: I was doing nice things.
42:33
SPEAKER_00: But I wasn't really being kind.
42:34
SPEAKER_00: So I want to be kind to myself.
42:37
SPEAKER_00: And being kind to yourself is making those boundaries,
42:41
SPEAKER_00: forming those boundaries in your friendship.
42:43
SPEAKER_00: But then also just doing things without expecting anything in return.
42:48
Like,
42:48
I know that's like,
42:50
oh my God,
42:50
like,
42:51
girl,
42:51
why are you saying that now?
42:53
Because I really did think that I was doing things out of the
42:56
kindness of my heart.
42:57
SPEAKER_00: I was.
42:57
SPEAKER_00: I definitely was.
43:00
SPEAKER_00: But I used to get so...
43:03
irritated when I would do things for somebody and it was not
43:06
reciprocated but now
43:10
I'm like it doesn't have to be just because you go above and
43:13
beyond for somebody
43:14
doesn't mean that they're going to go above and beyond in the
43:16
same way I mean what
43:18
would you like that and that would that be preferable for sure
43:22
but that expectation
43:24
is something that I had to let go of because there's nothing
43:27
that that that
43:30
is making them have to do that they really don't have to do
43:33
that so take note of
43:36
that and you can decide if you see that in a friend do i want
43:39
to be this person's
43:40
friend or not you can accept or reject so i'm learning to do
43:43
that and i'm also
43:45
learning to not be um performative in my friendship you know
43:50
just give out of the
43:51
kindness of my heart if it's not reciprocated note it but i
43:56
love you either way
43:59
Another thing I'm trying to do on this journey for friends is
44:04
I'm trying to be more
44:05
SPEAKER_00: intentional.
44:06
I think I have been intentional,
44:08
but I used to do a lot of talking without walking.
44:11
SPEAKER_00: Okay, so now I want to walk the talk.
44:17
SPEAKER_00: And by doing that, I'm going to do what I say and say what I do.
44:22
So for example,
44:23
the girl that I met at the airport,
44:25
she is also a runner.
44:27
SPEAKER_00: See another thing we have in common.
44:29
SPEAKER_00: She's already my friend in my head.
44:31
SPEAKER_00: Like she doesn't even know it, but we're friends in my head.
44:34
SPEAKER_00: So she had added me to a running group
44:38
SPEAKER_00: And she said she is fundraising for a half marathon, I believe in May.
44:42
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, yeah, I would love to support.
44:46
SPEAKER_00: So instead of saying I would love to support, I said that.
44:49
SPEAKER_00: And as I said that, I sent money.
44:52
SPEAKER_00: So I'm trying to be more intentional.
44:53
SPEAKER_00: If I said I'm going to do something, I'm going to do it.
44:55
SPEAKER_00: I'm not just going to talk just to talk.
44:57
SPEAKER_00: I'm going to talk.
44:59
SPEAKER_00: Walk that walk, talk that talk.
45:01
And then the last thing that I'm doing is realizing that not
45:04
all friends are meant
45:05
SPEAKER_00: to be your best friend.
45:07
So I'm going to accept the friendships and the platonic
45:10
connections that I'm making
45:11
SPEAKER_00: now and understand that maybe Seattle,
45:13
SPEAKER_00: I'm not supposed to have a best friend here.
45:16
Maybe I'm just supposed to have really cool people that I have
45:18
met and connected with.
45:22
SPEAKER_00: So I just want to close and say as we are
45:29
as you guys are maybe trying to find new friends making new
45:31
connections in whatever
45:33
stage of life that you are or if you're in a new city in a new
45:36
place maybe you just
45:37
want to explore the city that you have known forever and you
45:41
want to make new
45:42
friends in that consider what season that you are in for me i
45:47
think my season is i
45:49
SPEAKER_00: my life right now is that i'm just meant to enjoy camaraderie and
45:55
companionship in this new state I'm meant to build these
45:58
connections and build
45:59
community as I find who I am does that mean finding community
46:04
through a run club I
46:05
SPEAKER_00: don't think so I've tried that
46:07
SPEAKER_00: I don't get it.
46:08
SPEAKER_00: I don't see it for myself, but I'm not going to give up.
46:12
SPEAKER_00: So if you guys have had similar experiences where you're finding friends,
46:16
SPEAKER_00: do you feel like friendship,
46:18
SPEAKER_00: finding friends or making friends as an adult is harder than dating?
46:22
SPEAKER_00: Or do you feel like it's comparable?
46:23
SPEAKER_00: Let me know.
46:24
SPEAKER_00: Until then, see you guys.