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Why Boundaries Are the Best Place to Start With Your Teen · IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective

• 0:00
  Ben: I'm Ben Pugh and you're listening to IMPACT! Parenting with Perspective.
• 0:06
  Ben: This podcast is all about helping parents manage the mental and emotional drama that comes with parenting teens so they can focus on what's most important.
• 0:17
  Ben: Building rock solid relationships and having a powerful impact on their teen's life.
• 0:22
  Ben: Join me each week as I dive into real tools to help you and your teen turn struggles into strengths.
• 0:32
  You might have a whole list of things that you wish were different right now with your teenager.
• 0:38
  Maybe you want your teen to get off of his phone or go to bed, or maybe even do his homework or help out around the house.
• 0:48
  Maybe you just want him to stop arguing with you.
• 0:52
  Maybe take a little more responsibility in his own life.
• 0:56
  And when all of those things feel broken all at the same time, it can feel overwhelming, and it can start to feel like you don't even know where to start.
• 1:07
  A lot of moms tell me,"Man, I feel like a complete failure." They tell me,"I'm just worried my teenager is going to ruin their life." And so today, I want to give you a good starting point, a good solid foundation where you can quickly improve things in your home.
• 1:29
  And this might surprise you, but it is not about fixing your teenager I believe the best place to start is with you and with your boundaries.
• 1:45
  Not because boundaries magically make your teen obedient, and not because you need stricter rules, but because boundaries give you a place where you can change the foundational pattern without waiting for your teen to change first.
• 2:03
  And that's what I want to talk about today.
• 2:05
  if you're fighting about screens, chores, school, bedtime, disrespect, or even responsibility, and if you feel like there are so many things that you need to change and you don't ne- you don't know where to start, this episode is going to show you exactly where to start and why you actually don't need 20 different solutions.
• 2:30
  In fact, you're going to realize that you just need a better foundation.
• 2:34
  You need to address the patterns that are leading to this.
• 2:40
  before we dive into the deeper patterns, let's talk about some of the surface problems.
• 2:48
  These are some of the things that are obvious, that are more visible.
• 2:51
  a lot of moms tell me, and hey, we experience some of these in our home as well.
• 2:56
  But these are some of the most popular surface-level problems that moms all over the world are dealing with.
• 3:04
  We've got video games, cell phones, bedtime, screen time, grades, chores, disrespect, curfew, a lack of motivation, maybe lying, maybe your teen not showing responsibility or follow-through.
• 3:22
  And because there are so many of these problems, if you start trying to solve every single one individually, I guarantee you, you're going to feel overwhelmed, and your teen is going to feel like they're doing everything wrong, and they too are going to get overwhelmed.
• 3:42
  If you try and create a new consequence for gaming, if you have to have a new lecture and discussion about school, or maybe a new chore chart or a new bedtime or another talk about attitude adjustments, or you have to threaten, like,"Look, if you don't take out the garbage..." And then that turns into another argument.
• 4:05
  It feels like all these different problems need different solutions.
• 4:11
  And like I said earlier, that becomes very overwhelming for you as the parent, and it also becomes overwhelming for your teenager The good news is, underneath all of those problems, there is one underlying pattern.
• 4:29
  And the pattern is most parents are trying to manage their teenager, trying to get them to obey or follow the rules or to change.
• 4:40
  But the problem is, if you're like most parents, you're trying to manage your teen instead of better managing boundaries and things that you can actually control.
• 4:53
  And I get it.
• 4:54
  A lot of times you get stuck thinking like, how do I get him to do his homework?
• 4:59
  How do I make him stop gaming?
• 5:01
  How do I get him to respect me?
• 5:04
  How do I make this consequence work so he'll actually do his schoolwork and stay caught up?" And that immediately puts your attention on something outside of your control.
• 5:16
  And now, your success depends on whether or not your teenager does what you want them to do.
• 5:24
  I know a lot of moms who feel like complete failures because their success is dependent upon whether or not their teen follows the boundary, or whether or not their teen gets good grades or does what you've asked them to.
• 5:41
  And the problem is, if your success depends on your teenager, that is going to be really hard to feel successful as a parent, and I call that parenting from the outside in.
• 5:57
  You're looking at things outside of yourself to determine how you feel on the inside and how you identify as a parent on the inside The problem is on the other side, too.
• 6:10
  A lot of parents think,"Oh, I'm amazing because my teenager's amazing." No, you just got lucky.
• 6:17
  The truth is, when you can change the way that you look at boundaries, when you can change the way that you look at success as parenting, it will help you improve your relationship with your teenager.
• 6:31
  This is the best place to start, and this is why I'm launching a new program very soon called Boundaries with Buy-In, because far too m- many parents only feel successful if their teen listens or if their teen does exactly what you want them to do.
• 6:51
  And then if their teen refuses, well, now you think,"Well, that boundary failed.
• 6:58
  I'm failing as a mom.
• 6:59
  Like, I can't do this." And the truth is, you don't need your teen to do everything the way that you want them to do it to be successful as a mom.
• 7:11
  You can stop questioning yourself and your value as a mother every time your teen gets angry, or every time he pushes back, or every time he argues.
• 7:20
  That's okay.
• 7:21
  Your teen is still allowed to be a teenager, and you don't have to determine your value as a parent by all of these surface problems and the things that are easy to see on the outside.
• 7:36
  That's a trap.
• 7:38
  So, let's shift the way that we look at this.
• 7:42
  A boundary isn't primarily about controlling your teen's behavior.
• 7:47
  This is one of the biggest things that I believe sets me apart from most parenting gurus, most parenting books, most parenting podcasts, most therapists, most parenting life coaches.
• 8:00
  I have a different view on this because the truth is, you can't control whether or not your teen lives according to your boundary.
• 8:11
  You can't control whether or not your teen does what you want them to do, and most people have it completely mistaken.
• 8:20
  They think that a boundary is about controlling their teenager.
• 8:25
  And the truth is, good boundaries start by answering these simple questions.
• 8:32
  As a mom or as a dad, as a parent, what am I responsible for?
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  What do I value?
• 8:40
  What's important to me, and what am I willing to do versus what am I not willing to do?
• 8:47
  You can ask yourself,"How do I want to show up when my teenager pushes back or when they argue or when they don't like me?
• 8:56
  Who do I want to be in tough parenting moments?" And one of the most important questions is, what responsibility actually belongs to my teenager that I'm trying to take over?
• 9:09
  A lot of parents, part of the reason their boundaries are not working is because they're trying to do too much for their teenager, and they're not letting go of things that their teenager is the only one who can control, and they're not giving that responsibility to their teenager.
• 9:26
  And that's why boundaries are such a painful point for a lot of parents.
• 9:32
  A lot of moms that I talk to, they're like,"I don't even wanna talk about boundaries, because every time we try and talk about boundaries, it turns into an argument." But on the flip side, that's why boundaries are such a powerful starting point.
• 9:48
  Boundaries start with you.
• 9:51
  Most parents think boundaries start with their teenager.
• 9:55
  They're like,"Well, my teen needs to get better grades.
• 9:57
  My teen needs to be more responsible.
• 10:01
  They need to do what I ask." But the sto- the strongest boundaries actually start with you.
• 10:08
  So the way I like to think about it, when it comes to boundaries, I need to be really clear on who do I want to be.
• 10:17
  For me, I want to be calm, I wanna be curious, I wanna be respectful, I wanna be clear, and I still wanna be firm.
• 10:26
  Now, that doesn't have to be the answer for you.
• 10:29
  I know a lot of moms that are like,"I just want to be understanding." Awesome.
• 10:34
  For me, that's where curiosity comes in.
• 10:36
  A lot of moms are like,"I just need to be consistent.
• 10:39
  I need to stop doing one thing one day and the completely opposite thing the next day." The goal is for you to really get clear on who do you want to be, because the strongest boundaries start with you You can decide how you want to parent before your teenager decides how he's going to react.
• 11:02
  You can put forth a boundary and you can explore,"Well, man, this will either go over really well, and he'll just be like,'Yeah, that sounds fair.
• 11:10
  Let's do it.' Or it could go over really, really poorly, and he could yell.
• 11:16
  He could be like,'You are so mean.
• 11:17
  You're the most controlling mom ever.'" And you still get to decide,"Who do I want to be as a mom, regardless of how my teenager reacts?" And that matters more than you might think because most parents fall into the trap of letting their teenager dictate how they show up as a parent.
• 11:41
  It looks like this.
• 11:42
  Your teenager gets angry, and now you're angry.
• 11:46
  Your teenager pushes back, and so now you go into lecture mode or get even more controlling.
• 11:54
  Your teenager ignores you, so now you start threatening.
• 11:58
  Or your teenager argues, and now you're arguing back.
• 12:02
  The problem is now no one is leading.
• 12:06
  The truth is boundaries give you somewhere solid to start from.
• 12:11
  They give you a solid s- foundation where you can stand, and most parents completely miss this.
• 12:20
  And you'll know that you're missing this if you're focusing on your teenager.
• 12:24
  And if you think boundaries mean that,"Well, my teen needs to blank." But when you start to see, oh, boundaries start with me, that gives you a solid foundation, that gives you something that you have control over.
• 12:41
  Which brings us to another point.
• 12:43
  Because you're focusing somewhere where you actually have control on yourself rather than on your teenager, you now don't have to wait for your teenager to change.
• 12:55
  This actually might be one of the biggest reasons why I think boundaries are such a good place to start.
• 13:02
  If your family needs more peace, and if your plan on how to get that peace is, my teenager needs to be more responsible," or they need to get better grades, or they need to stop arguing and they need to agree with the boundaries.
• 13:19
  the problem is, if that's your plan, you could be waiting a very long time.
• 13:26
  But if your plan is more like,"Hey, I'm going to get clear about what I control, and I'm going to change how I respond," good news, you can start today.
• 13:39
  You don't need your teen's permission.
• 13:41
  You don't need your spouse's permission.
• 13:43
  You don't need my permission.
• 13:46
  You don't need your teen to be motivated.
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  You don't need them to understand or agree.
• 13:51
  You don't even need your teen to like the boundary.
• 13:54
  But you get to lead, you get to be the parent that you want to be, and that change can start today.
• 14:03
  Or you can keep doing it the old way, and you can keep waiting for your teen to be more respectful, and who knows when that change is gonna happen The truth is, one of the things that I preach over and over, be the change you want to see.
• 14:19
  Want to see more respect from your teen?
• 14:22
  Practice being more respectful.
• 14:26
  You can hold a boundary that your teen completely disagrees with, with complete respect.
• 14:32
  That's awesome.
• 14:33
  When you're holding that line, you can show that respect.
• 14:38
  You can be the change you want to see.
• 14:40
  You can be respectful.
• 14:42
  Want more responsibility out of your teen?
• 14:46
  This one's easy.
• 14:47
  Take responsibility for you.
• 14:50
  Take responsibility for the things within your control, and stop taking responsibility for the things within your teen's control.
• 15:00
  If you want your teen to better regulate his emotions, awesome.
• 15:04
  That's a really good place to start.
• 15:06
  Practice regulating your emotions when you get upset or when he gets upset So One of the biggest reasons that boundaries are such a powerful place to start is because you can control how you show up.
• 15:21
  It takes the focus off of your teen and puts it right back on you.
• 15:26
  So now let's talk about this idea that good boundaries actually put responsibility on your teen.
• 15:35
  Because right now, we just got done talking about how, hey, you can focus on you, you can focus on the things that you can control, and that can get you change right now rather than waiting for your teenager.
• 15:49
  But let's talk about the reality.
• 15:51
  Like, I don't want you to mistake this episode to be like,"Oh, you just gotta change yourself," because the truth is, you probably want your teenager to change.
• 16:02
  You want them to grow up, you want them to be more responsible, you want them to get better grades or whatever it is, and the truth is, good boundaries actually help with that.
• 16:13
  So the problem is most parents, they don't let the responsibility or the things that their teen is responsible for, they don't let that burden just rest on their teen's shoulders, and a lot of times they try and take over, and they think that boundaries work like,"Oh, well, I need to remind them,'Hey, did you do your homework?
• 16:33
  Did you clean your room?
• 16:35
  Did you email your teacher?
• 16:36
  Hey, I've reminded you over and over.'" And the problem is, that is you taking responsibility about things that your teen should be responsible for.
• 16:47
  Even if you're reminding your teenager to email the teacher, and you're like,"No, no, look, I'm empowering my teenager," the truth is, if you're reminding several times, you're taking responsibility for your teen remembering to email the teacher, and you want to start creating a distinction between what is my responsibility and what is my teen's responsibility.
• 17:15
  And a boundary can actually help you stop being responsible for the things that your teen needs to be responsible for.
• 17:25
  This is one of the biggest ironies in parenting.
• 17:29
  A lot of times parents think that, the more control I have, the more responsibility I'm gonna teach my teen." But the truth is, too much control often means that Mom is carrying all the responsibility, and it makes your teen's life too easy.
• 17:47
  So when you can start to explore, what is my responsibility?
• 17:51
  What is my teen's responsibility?
• 17:53
  You know what?
• 17:54
  It's my responsibility to set the expectation.
• 17:57
  Here we go." If you're gonna do public school, I expect you to give it your best effort, keep your grades up," whatever that is.
• 18:05
  If the grades go down, you might say, well, it's my responsibility to remind one time and have a discussion about what might be fair when it comes to consequences for poor grades.
• 18:18
  You're not taking over.
• 18:20
  You're just having a discussion with your teen where you're being responsible for what you feel like is your responsibility as a parent, while empowering your teenager to manage the grades and to manage whether or not they email the teacher.
• 18:38
  Now, let's talk about one of the biggest concerns that I hear from parents all the time, and this concern is one of the things that actually keeps parents from building better boundaries because they are so worried that if they give their teenager a voice, that they're basically just giving their teenager all power.
• 19:02
  And the truth is, giving your teen responsibility and giving your teen a voice doesn't mean you're just handing over all power or all responsibility.
• 19:13
  Boundaries can easily turn into a power struggle where two people are just trying to get their way, and a lot of times, that power struggle looks like the teen trying to voice their opinion and the mom trying to voice her opinion, and thinking that this is a democracy, and Mom gets one vote and the teen gets one vote.
• 19:37
  That is not the case And when you can start to realize that, wait, boundaries don't have to turn into a power struggle.
• 19:45
  Boundaries can be me getting on my teen's team and getting two people trying to solve the same exact problem.
• 19:54
  This is where buy-in matters.
• 19:57
  Not necessarily agreement, not getting your teen to do what you want, but also not letting your teen do whatever he wants.
• 20:07
  It's all about giving your teen a voice without them having complete control.
• 20:13
  It can look like this, like you can say like,"Hey, I'm worried about this grade that you have in your class.
• 20:19
  Are you concerned about that?" And you just give your teen a voice.
• 20:23
  Your teen will probably...
• 20:24
  That was a bad example on my part, because your teen will give you a yes or no answer.
• 20:28
  You could say something like,"Wait, h- here's my concerns.
• 20:32
  What are your concerns?" Or,"Here's what I think is important.
• 20:36
  What do you think is important?
• 20:39
  What do you think would be fair here?" Or,"How should we handle this if the agreement doesn't happen?" Now, you potentially have two brains working on the same problem instead of two people fighting with each other, and those two brains are powerful because your brain has more experience.
• 21:00
  It has a different perspective.
• 21:03
  But your teen's brain also has a different perspective and has different experiences, and this is huge because you can still hold a boundary.
• 21:15
  You can still have the final say because you're the mom.
• 21:19
  But now you're inviting your teen onto this same team to address this potential problem.
• 21:30
  And the reason a lot of parents shy away from this is because they think,"Well, if I give my teen a voice, I've just given them too much power," and that's not the truth.
• 21:44
  The truth is you can give your teen a voice and still honor your responsibility and your role as a parent.
• 21:53
  And giving your teen a voice now just gives them a say, and you can incorporate what they want, what they think is important, which helps them buy in because now they feel heard.
• 22:04
  But you don't give away the keys to the car and say,"Well, you're in charge now." Still show up and be the parent that you want to be So let's review a few real-life examples that I hear about all the time.
• 22:19
  Video games, that's probably the one that I hear the most often, and this is one of the ones when we get into Boundaries with Buy-In, I'm sure we'll talk about it a lot.
• 22:29
  Boundaries with Buy-In is designed to help you as a mother in real-life parenting situations with your teen.
• 22:38
  The old way that most parents think of this, this is what I like to call parenting from the outside in.
• 22:45
  Most parents think something like,"You're gaming too much." And if you're like most parents, your next reaction is,"Get off the games," and you're trying to control something outside of your control, and then it leads into an argument.
• 23:00
  "I said get off now, and if you don't turn it off right now, you're gonna lose it tomorrow." And we're just trying to focus on things outside of our control.
• 23:08
  And your teen, if they're like my teens and most teens out there, they're gonna argue.
• 23:13
  And then if you're like me and most of the parents I work with, you're gonna get louder and more upset.
• 23:19
  Now your teen's mad, and you're mad, and you'll get to the point where you're either going to cave and let your teen walk all over you, or you're just going to try and control everything.
• 23:30
  And the truth is, everybody loses if that's the case.
• 23:34
  For me, I like to parent from the inside out.
• 23:38
  I like to take a different approach.
• 23:41
  I like to first focus on, well, what can I control?
• 23:45
  Who do I want to be?
• 23:47
  That will change how you show up in these discussions, in these disagreements.
• 23:54
  And Boundaries with Buy-In is going to help you as a mom really get clear on who do you want to be, really get clear on how do I want to handle when my teenager pushes back.
• 24:09
  And when you get clear on that, you might start to realize,"Well, hold on.
• 24:14
  I'm okay with gaming.
• 24:17
  What I'm not okay with is video games interfering with your sleep, your schoolwork, and your family responsibilities." And that can lead you to the point where you say,"Hey, teen, look, I want to come up with something that works for both of us.
• 24:36
  So what matters to you?" And you're completely changing this interaction that normally would be a fight to something that brings peace, that gives your teen a voice, that encourages your teen to buy in.
• 24:52
  And maybe your teen just wants to play video games for hours on end with no consequences.
• 24:58
  Great.
• 24:59
  Almost every teen wa- wants that.
• 25:01
  But you can start to explore and help your teen see this through a different lens.
• 25:07
  "Well, if you want to play video games un- uninterrupted, what needs to be done first?
• 25:14
  What time makes sense?
• 25:16
  Because if you play video games un- uninterrupted, you're gonna die from sleep deprivation, starvation, and not going to the bathroom.
• 25:25
  Like, that's not really a realistic thing.
• 25:28
  So what time would make sense to stop?" And then I would come up to-- come up with some agreements with your teen, and then I'd explore,"Well, what should happen if this agreement isn't kept?" Now you're not trying to control every second, and your teen isn't getting unlimited freedom.
• 25:47
  They're having a voice.
• 25:48
  They're coming up with things that they can be responsible for.
• 25:53
  This is going to help you build connection with your teenager, and it's also going to help you build responsibility in your teen, and that's the sweet spot.
• 26:04
  That's where parenting gets much easier.
• 26:07
  So for this week, I want you to just pick one boundary that keeps creating conflict in your home.
• 26:13
  Not five, not 10, just one, and I want you to ask yourself three questions: What do I actually control here?
• 26:21
  How do I want to show up when my teen pushes back?
• 26:26
  And what responsibility belongs to my teen that I've been trying to control?
• 26:33
  When you ask yourself those three questions, that's gonna give you some awesome insight into your parenting and into your teen and into how boundaries are working in your home.
• 26:43
  And I wouldn't even try and fix it yet.
• 26:45
  I would just gain some clarity and just get clear on that so that you have more power when it comes to creating change and doing it differently.
• 26:56
  I wanna just tell you real quick about Boundaries with Buy-In.
• 27:01
  This is exactly why I've created it.
• 27:03
  I know a lot of parents out there are struggling with boundaries.
• 27:07
  This is one of the tools that I use the most in my own home.
• 27:11
  I use it with my own teenagers.
• 27:13
  I use it at football practice with the young men that I work with.
• 27:17
  And I'm building a new small group program, and I'm opening it for just a handful of moms of teenage boys, and we're going to work on real-life issues, whether it be video games, screen time, chores, bedtime, phone, school, disrespect.
• 27:37
  Doesn't matter.
• 27:38
  Whatever rules keep turning into arguments in your home, we're going to flip that We're gonna sh- shift the mentality from how do I get my teen to behave, and we're gonna just start with you.
• 27:53
  And I'll help you get clear on the parent that you want to be.
• 27:56
  I'll help you build boundaries you can actually hold.
• 27:59
  I'll help you give your teen a voice without putting your teen in charge of everything.
• 28:04
  And I'll help you create agreements with your teenager that not only put more responsibility back on your teen, but that help your teen feel confident that he can do this.
• 28:17
  And I'm gonna start this with just a small group.
• 28:21
  So if this sounds like something your family needs, go get on the priority list.
• 28:26
  You can go to benpughcoaching.com/boundarieswithbuy-in.
• 28:34
  That's just one word.
• 28:36
  I know it's long.
• 28:37
  I should have made it easier, but benpughcoaching.com/boundarieswithbuy-in.
• 28:45
  And it...
• 28:46
  You can get on that priority list, and being on the priority list means that you'll be the first one to get all the details.
• 28:53
  You'll have the first chance to be one of the founding members, and you're gonna get to help me create this in a way that it addresses real life, real family issues.
• 29:06
  So if this sounds like something that would help you and your family, go get on the priority list at benpughcoaching.com/boundarieswithbuy-in.
• 29:18
  I'll see you next week