Latest / The Hauraki Big Show / THE DISCLAIMER: Shit-Arm Keyzie

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THE DISCLAIMER: Shit-Arm Keyzie · The Hauraki Big Show

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: All right, here we go.
• 0:08
  Speaker 2: For all you mad bastards loving the Big Show podcast,
• 0:12
  Speaker 2: get up even closer on Instagram, YouTube, and TikTok, or
• 0:17
  Speaker 2: raw dog it four to seven every weekday.
• 0:21
  Speaker 3: On Radio Hauraki.
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: Oh, g'day, fellas. Backbone. Hello.
• 0:26
  Speaker 4: Oh.
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: God.
• 0:27
  Speaker 4: You still say hello.
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: I just, um. Come on, why? I didn't realise Keezy
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: got back literally this morning, Mogi.
• 0:34
  Speaker 4: Yep.
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: That's a good effort, Keezy.
• 0:35
  Speaker 3: Thank you.
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: Because I saw the photos he sent yesterday, and I
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: was like, is he still in Japan?
• 0:39
  Speaker 2: I was.
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: The crazy bastard.
• 0:40
  Speaker 4: The mad dog.
• 0:42
  Speaker 3: Sick son of a B.
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: Piece of shit.
• 0:44
  Speaker 3: I landed at 10.
• 0:45
  Speaker 5: It's good to be back, fellas. I landed at 10.30am
• 0:49
  Speaker 5: this morning.
• 0:50
  Speaker 4: Yeah. But, oh, gee. Direct flight?
• 0:53
  Speaker 3: Yeah, 11-hour direct flight.
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: Beautiful.
• 0:55
  Speaker 5: Kind of like a really shit broken sleep. But you
• 0:58
  Speaker 5: can't complain because you're back from holiday, so you shut up.
• 1:00
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 1:01
  Speaker 5: And it's not like I'm out here going to work
• 1:03
  Speaker 5: 12 hours hard labour.
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: I've got to be honest with you. When we got
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: back on the Wednesday last week, I was fucking knackered.
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: I was knackered.
• 1:11
  Speaker 4: Three-hour flight, Keezy.
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: Three-hour flight. Oh, wow.
• 1:13
  Speaker 3: You must have been jet-lagged.
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: It was full on.
• 1:17
  Speaker 3: How long did it take for your body clock to
• 1:18
  Speaker 3: sort of reset?
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: Yeah, well, it was like a two-hour difference, so ages, man.
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: I still haven't adjusted.
• 1:25
  Speaker 3: Are you still on Aussie time?
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: I'm still on Aussie time. It would be 1.33 in
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: Aussie right now. Wow.
• 1:31
  Speaker 3: Fucking hell.
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: How are you anyway, Mogi?
• 1:33
  Speaker 4: Well, outside of my eye. What's interesting is nobody's saying
• 1:35
  Speaker 4: anything to me about my eye.
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: I was going to say when we were in the
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: meeting there, what happened to your eye?
• 1:41
  Speaker 4: A burst blood vessel. Oh.
• 1:43
  Speaker 3: It doesn't look like you got hit.
• 1:44
  Speaker 2: No.
• 1:45
  Speaker 4: No swelling.
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 1:47
  Speaker 4: No swelling. But it's amazing how many people look at
• 1:49
  Speaker 4: you and then just don't say anything.
• 1:51
  Speaker 5: Right.
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: Well, actually, to be fair, it's actually not that noticeable
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: in certain lights. It's quite, you know, under your dark
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: shadows of your eyes. Exactly.
• 1:59
  Speaker 4: They're there anyway. They're there anyway. So, yeah, I know
• 2:02
  Speaker 4: I woke up, had breakfast and stuff, mucked around for
• 2:05
  Speaker 4: a while, and then after about an hour, the missus said,
• 2:06
  Speaker 4: what happened to your eye? I said, what do you mean?
• 2:09
  Speaker 4: Can't have a look?
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 2:10
  Speaker 4: Mean.
• 2:11
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: How does that?
• 2:12
  Speaker 4: It lasts for about three weeks, apparently. Yeah, it does.
• 2:15
  Speaker 3: And did anything bring it on, or does it just happen?
• 2:18
  Speaker 4: It just happens.
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: It's just old age, man. Yeah, exactly.
• 2:21
  Speaker 4: Turned 50.
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: Yes.
• 2:23
  Speaker 4: I've had it once before, and it was I woke
• 2:25
  Speaker 4: up on the day of a mate's wedding, and I
• 2:27
  Speaker 4: had it. So that was fucking sick.
• 2:30
  Speaker 3: On your face?
• 2:31
  Speaker 4: Same place.
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: Oh, wow.
• 2:32
  Speaker 4: Same place.
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: Wow. I've never actually heard of that.
• 2:36
  Speaker 4: Neither have I.
• 2:36
  Speaker 3: Whose wedding was it?
• 2:37
  Speaker 4: Old Mogi. Happened to me twice. Big doll.
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: Good stuff, man.
• 2:41
  Speaker 3: Old double blood vessel Mogi.
• 2:42
  Speaker 4: That's right.
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Fuck, man.
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 2:46
  Speaker 4: That's right. It's good because now I'm kind of used
• 2:49
  Speaker 4: to it. But we'll have to roast me somehow on
• 2:51
  Speaker 4: the show. Oh, I wouldn't want to do that.
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: We'll think of something.
• 2:54
  Speaker 5: Old fucking brown eyes. Old shit eyes over here. Fuck,
• 3:02
  Speaker 5: straight back into the content.
• 3:03
  Speaker 4: That fucking Tui's at it again. Really?
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: That's no good.
• 3:07
  Speaker 4: Fuck him, man. Tui Tui, Moi Moi, we've called him,
• 3:11
  Speaker 4: by the way.
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: Right, yeah, nice.
• 3:12
  Speaker 4: We went out to the audience.
• 3:13
  Speaker 3: I liked Prince Tui Pecker.
• 3:15
  Speaker 4: Prince Tuipeka's pretty good.
• 3:16
  Speaker 3: That was my favourite one.
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's not bad. Because I love Prince.
• 3:18
  Speaker 4: But Moi Moi, you know, sleep, sleep. Oh, yeah. Yeah,
• 3:21
  Speaker 4: so it was just too good.
• 3:23
  Speaker 3: Layers.
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: I got woken up at two this morning.
• 3:26
  Speaker 3: By what I- So 12, Aussie time.
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: Well, 12 was Aussie time. Oh, God. By what- We've
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: got to do that all show. Sounded very much to
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: me like gunshots. And I was like, holy, what the
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: fuck was that? And then it happened again, I think.
• 3:44
  Speaker 4: Backfire?
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: No, because it was like six or seven in a row.
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: And I was like, jeez, it sounded like a massacre.
• 3:51
  Speaker 4: Holy hecka.
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: But I think it was just fireworks, yeah, because I
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: did it.
• 3:56
  Speaker 3: Oh, Pugs just said it happened when he was house-sitting
• 3:58
  Speaker 3: for you.
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: So that was me fucked.
• 4:00
  Speaker 4: That's you up.
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: Two.
• 4:02
  Speaker 4: Yeah. I'll tell you what's been good, Keezy, and we'll
• 4:04
  Speaker 4: get into it. Actually, I won't tell you, I'll save
• 4:06
  Speaker 4: it for the show.
• 4:07
  Speaker 3: Damn, man.
• 4:08
  Speaker 4: You nearly had it there. No, no, no, no, no.
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: The Horaki Big Show. Weekdays from 4 on Radio Horaki.
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: Now that's good listening. And it's live.
• 4:21
  Speaker 4: What are you listening to there?
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: Oh, me?
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: Oh, sorry. I was listening to the Radio Hauraki Big Show.
• 4:29
  Speaker 4: Right.
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: Four to seven weekdays.
• 4:32
  Speaker 4: Yeah, that's quite specific.
• 4:35
  Speaker 3: And iHeartRadio.
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: Righto.
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: Cheers.
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: The Hauraki Big Show podcast. That's bad news about the two-emoji.
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: I'm sad to hear that, mate.
• 4:45
  Speaker 4: He's a fucking arsehole, man.
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: Bloody eye.
• 4:48
  Speaker 4: And my bloody eye. I'm having a bad run of it.
• 4:49
  Speaker 4: Since you guys have been away, I'm having a bad
• 4:51
  Speaker 4: run of it. Oh, loud to his shit eyes over there.
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: Did you have any medical dramas in Japan there? Oh,
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: did you try some seafood?
• 5:01
  Speaker 3: I was thinking of maybe doing this on the show,
• 5:04
  Speaker 3: is how much seafood did Keezy eat?
• 5:05
  Speaker 4: We can all guess. Yeah.
• 5:07
  Speaker 3: We'll save it for the show.
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: Right, okay.
• 5:09
  Speaker 4: I had some seafood.
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: Yes, nice.
• 5:11
  Speaker 3: No, no medical dramas for me.
• 5:14
  Speaker 4: Any massive steamers?
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: Oh, yeah. Yeah, obviously.
• 5:19
  Speaker 3: Because the Japanese toilets wash your ass.
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: Yeah. I had a bidet in one of our joints.
• 5:26
  Speaker 3: You had a bidet?
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: A bidet.
• 5:28
  Speaker 2: Oh, yeah.
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: Oh, they're good, aren't they?
• 5:29
  Speaker 5: Honestly, my wife and I both agreed that our next house-
• 5:33
  Speaker 5: Has to have a bidet? We're going to get a
• 5:35
  Speaker 5: Japanese toilet seat installed because it washes your bum. Yeah.
• 5:39
  Speaker 3: And then you use the paper to dry off.
• 5:41
  Speaker 4: I've never really used one.
• 5:44
  Speaker 3: You could do it, man.
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: Properly.
• 5:46
  Speaker 4: And I don't know. I remember looking after this guy.
• 5:50
  Speaker 4: He was a DOP on Apocalypse Now.
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: Wow.
• 5:56
  Speaker 4: Won the Academy Award. So I was his assistant, Vittorio Storaro,
• 5:58
  Speaker 4: an Italian fellow there. And when he was doing Apocalypse Now,
• 6:00
  Speaker 4: he'd be out in the desert. Everyone else was in, like,
• 6:02
  Speaker 4: no shirt, tiny shorts. He would wear a white suit
• 6:06
  Speaker 4: with a white silk cravat.
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: Oh, yeah, nice.
• 6:09
  Speaker 4: An absolute weapon of a man he was. And he
• 6:10
  Speaker 4: won another Academy Award for the Warren Beatty film Reds.
• 6:14
  Speaker 4: But he was disgusted by the fact that we did
• 6:17
  Speaker 4: not have bidets. I think it's gross now as well.
• 6:20
  Speaker 4: He thought it was caveman shit.
• 6:21
  Speaker 3: If you've got poo on your arm.
• 6:23
  Speaker 4: If you've got poo on your arm.
• 6:24
  Speaker 3: Where are you shitting, Casey? Come on, fellas. You wouldn't
• 6:28
  Speaker 3: just wipe it off with paper. You'd put soap and
• 6:29
  Speaker 3: water on it.
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: You're shitting on your arm? Why are you shitting on
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: your arm?
• 6:32
  Speaker 4: Man, that's not good, man. I mean, when you think.
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: About how much jip I got for two-stroke Hoity J,
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: and you're shitting on your arm, man. That's gross.
• 6:46
  Speaker 4: Like an eagle.
• 6:47
  Speaker 3: So when I shit on my arm.
• 6:49
  Speaker 5: And then I tip my arm sideways and it just
• 6:53
  Speaker 5: falls off. I then wouldn't just use paper to clean
• 6:56
  Speaker 5: the residue. I would use water and soap. Whereas these toilets,
• 6:59
  Speaker 5: they spray it straight up there. Water and soap, but
• 7:01
  Speaker 5: then you also have to give a rub-a-dub-dub. So what
• 7:04
  Speaker 5: the Japanese toilet does is it just does warm water,
• 7:07
  Speaker 5: and you can adjust the pressure.
• 7:08
  Speaker 3: It's just like up there, and then you're just drying off.
• 7:11
  Speaker 4: You were saying that you wanted a fireman's hose pressure. Yeah,
• 7:14
  Speaker 4: I cranked it up.
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: I actually... And I sat backwards. I found it slightly disconcerting,
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: to be honest.
• 7:22
  Speaker 4: Did it give you half a mongrel or full?
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: It gave me a full mongrel.
• 7:26
  Speaker 3: That is disconcerting.
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: I loved it.
• 7:29
  Speaker 3: I was like, this is fucking... This.
• 7:31
  Speaker 4: Is more hygienic. You were saying it was yum.
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: It was yum.
• 7:34
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 7:36
  Speaker 3: It's more hygienic.
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: I don't like drying my noose.
• 7:41
  Speaker 4: You like drip drying your nuss. You always have.
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: I just like a drip dry, you know what I mean?
• 7:45
  Speaker 4: Whenever your nuss has been absolutely saturated, you just like
• 7:48
  Speaker 4: to let it air dry.
• 7:49
  Speaker 3: He just drapes it over like a towel rail and.
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: Just leaves it there. You know the sort of hand
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: dryers they have? I just get up on a sink
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: and just put my nuss under one of those.
• 7:59
  Speaker 3: Yeah, there is a Dyson.
• 8:01
  Speaker 4: Your distended anus.
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: My baboon anus. Oh, this is good shit. Literally. Literally.
• 8:10
  Speaker 3: But yeah, seriously, Japanese toilet, I want one. The seat warms.
• 8:15
  Speaker 4: When's your birthday?
• 8:15
  Speaker 3: You're not going to get me a toilet. But you
• 8:19
  Speaker 3: walk into the room.
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: Can you get them in New Zealand?
• 8:22
  Speaker 5: Yeah, there's a few companies. But you open a door.
• 8:24
  Speaker 5: You walk in the middle of the night. You open
• 8:27
  Speaker 5: the door, and the toilet seat opens automatically.
• 8:30
  Speaker 3: And it goes, hello, Chris.
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: Here comes the midnight steamer. Give us your big shitter.
• 8:35
  Speaker 3: Big steamer alert.
• 8:37
  Speaker 4: Yum, yum, feed me.
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: That's right.
• 8:41
  Speaker 3: And I just say, oh, con bono.
• 8:45
  Speaker 5: But it lights up, the seat's warm, and then it
• 8:48
  Speaker 5: washes your butt, man. It's fucking primo. It's good eating.
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: Given what you.
• 8:55
  Speaker 4: What's up, man?
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: Squeeze out. That's probably a good thing.
• 8:58
  Speaker 3: Yeah, poos. Same as you.
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: Yeah, but in vast quantities, Keezy. Yeah, yeah.
• 9:04
  Speaker 4: Industrial. Vast quantities. Industrial quantities.
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: Just vats of shit.
• 9:10
  Speaker 5: And then afterwards the toilet's like, thank you very much.
• 9:17
  Speaker 4: It's too much.
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: Oh, Jesus Christ. Good God.
• 9:24
  Speaker 3: But yeah, how was Aussie, man?
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: Was it good? Aussie was great. I tell you, it's
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: a big country, isn't it?
• 9:29
  Speaker 4: Have you heard about that? It's a constant. It's not
• 9:32
  Speaker 4: until you really get on the road that you find
• 9:34
  Speaker 4: that out.
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: That's exactly right.
• 9:35
  Speaker 4: Because the interesting thing as well is when you do
• 9:37
  Speaker 4: the drive and then you look at a map and
• 9:38
  Speaker 4: you go, we only did a centimetre of the country.
• 9:42
  Speaker 2: Yes.
• 9:42
  Speaker 4: And it took us fucking 16 hours to do it.
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: Totally, man. It's huge. I must admit, on the first day,
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: about an hour in, I went, well, this is a
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: bold move from us.
• 9:51
  Speaker 2: Yep.
• 9:52
  Speaker 4: I tell you what, it's one of those boring places
• 9:55
  Speaker 4: I've ever driven a car, that's for sure.
• 9:56
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 9:57
  Speaker 4: And what I really liked is, because most of mine
• 9:58
  Speaker 4: I did in Queens, and you're driving along there and
• 10:02
  Speaker 4: it's got, you know, farms.
• 10:04
  Speaker 5: Yes.
• 10:04
  Speaker 4: Farms there and you've got your farm fences like they've
• 10:07
  Speaker 4: got in New Zealand, battens and, you know, the usual
• 10:09
  Speaker 4: sort of set up. You know what they're farming in
• 10:12
  Speaker 4: those fields over yonder, Keezy?
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: Fuck all.
• 10:14
  Speaker 4: Dirt.
• 10:15
  Speaker 2: Yes.
• 10:16
  Speaker 4: Dirt farms.
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: There was a lot of straggly sort of.
• 10:21
  Speaker 4: It's a shit hole.
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: But what we were doing, actually, is just going from
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: sort of coastal town to coastal town, which was quite nice. Yeah, good.
• 10:30
  Speaker 3: What was your favourite spot?
• 10:33
  Speaker 4: The jeans box. That was nice. I've got to be
• 10:36
  Speaker 4: honest with you. Do you like that?
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: I am.
• 10:42
  Speaker 4: I am.
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: Pull yourselves together. I am a massive, massive fan of Melbourne.
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: I love it. And where my girls live, it's fucking
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: a great place.
• 10:53
  Speaker 4: Why don't you move there?
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: I ate oysters, lobster, prawns.
• 10:58
  Speaker 5: You get all that shit here, man.
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: Yeah, but this was good shit. Yeah, I would move
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: to Melbourne in a heartbeat.
• 11:08
  Speaker 4: You should.
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: Brunswick.
• 11:09
  Speaker 3: You 100% should.
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: I'm seriously considering it.
• 11:12
  Speaker 4: Death in Brunswick.
• 11:13
  Speaker 3: Did you run it past your daughters?
• 11:15
  Speaker 4: They're not keen.
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: There's a lot of young Kiwis there. Yeah, but I
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: think we could go there and not interfere in their
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: lives too much because it's such a big place.
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: And we'll just go and do our shit and they
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: can do their shit.
• 11:28
  Speaker 4: 100%.
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: And they can pop over for a dinner every now
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: and then or something.
• 11:31
  Speaker 4: There's no way that your wife's keeping her nose out
• 11:33
  Speaker 4: of their business. It's not happening.
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: That's true.
• 11:35
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: She wants babies.
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: She wants babies. And that ain't happening. I'll tell you
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: right now, that ain't happening. Boom. Well.
• 11:48
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Well.
• 11:49
  Speaker 4: You never know.
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: Well, you never know.
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 11:52
  Speaker 3: My tip is to bring it up with them heaps.
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: Yeah. No, we don't mention babies around the girls at all.
• 11:58
  Speaker 3: Fair enough. It's a good strat.
• 12:00
  Speaker 5: Yes.
• 12:00
  Speaker 4: It's a G. Good on you.
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: Welcome back, fellas.
• 12:03
  Speaker 4: Welcome back.
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: Thanks, mate.
• 12:06
  Speaker 3: Good first potty back. This was going on YouTube, apparently.
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: That's great.
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: Oh, yeah, true.
• 12:09
  Speaker 4: Oh, and I moved.
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: Sorry, pugs, man.
• 12:11
  Speaker 4: I moved for the camera. I'll do that. Good on you, mate.
• 12:15
  Speaker 4: That's all right, yeah. Backbone.
• 12:16
  Speaker 3: Hey, listen to the big show, four to seven weekdays,
• 12:19
  Speaker 3: Radio Hauraki.