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Emotional Abuse Vs. Narcissistic Abuse: What's The Difference? · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:00
  What is going on, beautiful people.
• 0:04
  Lee Hammock, your favorite diagnosed narcissist is here.
• 0:07
  And today we're talking about the difference between
• 0:09
  narcissistic abuse and emotional abuse.
• 0:14
  And I know people are going to say, I don't know, there's
• 0:16
  people out there, they're going to say, well, Lee, they're the
• 0:19
  same thing. There's no difference in
• 0:21
  narcissistic abuse and or emotional abuse.
• 0:25
  They both are literally the same thing.
• 0:27
  What are you talking about? Why you wasting time doing this
• 0:29
  video? I'm glad you asked because
• 0:32
  they're not the same thing. They are not the same thing.
• 0:36
  Emotional abuse and narcissistic abuse are different.
• 0:40
  They really are y'all. And I think people, not
• 0:41
  everybody's going to see it this way.
• 0:43
  I already know not everybody's going to see it this way.
• 0:45
  But if you, if you think about it, I hear y'all.
• 0:48
  You just think about it from this perspective right here.
• 0:53
  All narcissistic abuse is emotional abuse.
• 0:58
  Every single microcosm of narcissistic abuse is emotional
• 1:04
  abuse. But not all emotional abuse is
• 1:09
  narcissistic abuse. You see what I'm saying?
• 1:12
  Emotional abuse is like the big, the big umbrella over top.
• 1:17
  And narcissistic abuse is like a branch underneath that umbrella.
• 1:22
  It's all, it's all abuse. It's all abusive, right?
• 1:25
  But emotional abuse is what goes on.
• 1:28
  I'd say it's the overarching theme.
• 1:31
  Narcissistic abuse is underneath it, right?
• 1:35
  Narcissistic abuse is underneath it.
• 1:38
  So you got I know. So when people when people are
• 1:40
  just saying, well, Lee, I, I just thought it was it was it's
• 1:43
  all the same thing. When everybody tells me it's the
• 1:45
  same thing. I tell people I've been abused
• 1:48
  narcissistically or I suffer from narcissistic abuse and they
• 1:51
  tried to just tell me it's all emotional abuse and I need to
• 1:54
  get over it. No, it's not the same thing.
• 2:00
  It just isn't. Y'all like like serious because
• 2:02
  think about it like this narcissist, like the biggest
• 2:05
  difference is the intent. Like one of the main differences
• 2:09
  in narcissistic abuse and emotional abuse is absolutely
• 2:12
  the intent behind it, right? You got to think about it.
• 2:16
  Emotional abuse typically is chaotic.
• 2:18
  It's typically a quick response to something that's going on,
• 2:22
  something that is actually something that has happened,
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  right? Whereas narcissistic abuse is
• 2:28
  scheming, it's a scheme mean narcissistic abuse is scheming.
• 2:33
  It's calculated, it's cold, it's planned out.
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  It's not the same thing. Like emotional abuse is
• 2:40
  typically a quick reaction to something right?
• 2:43
  A a childish response. A like they give you the cold
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  shoulder, they ignore you, they give you the silent treatment
• 2:51
  like they, they, they can rage out on you and stuff like that.
• 2:54
  Narcissistic abuse follows a pattern.
• 2:57
  Y'all. Y'all heard of it?
• 2:58
  You heard of it. You heard that.
• 3:00
  The cycle of narcissistic abuse. The cycle.
• 3:05
  Heather, what's going on? The cycle.
• 3:07
  Who said that? Right there.
• 3:08
  There you go. It's cool.
• 3:10
  It's cruel and calculated. Yes, Heather.
• 3:12
  Yes, it's cruel and it's calculated.
• 3:16
  Yes. Hell yeah.
• 3:19
  Because that's what it is. The cycle of narcissistic abuse.
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  It's y'all. What's the cycle?
• 3:25
  The cycle. Now, everybody knows that
• 3:27
  there's at least 4 stages of narcissistic abuse, right?
• 3:32
  Who? Who?
• 3:32
  You. Right.
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  Hey, who's this? You?
• 3:34
  Right down the street from me. I'm in Durham.
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  Hey. Hey, neighbor.
• 3:38
  Hey, neighbor. OK, back right to the right.
• 3:41
  But idealization, the love bombing phase, devaluation.
• 3:47
  Discard Hoover. Those are the four, the four
• 3:51
  stages of narcissistic abuse. But y'all know I have a y'all
• 3:54
  know I have a video series of course called Understanding the
• 3:57
  Seven Stages. Why I add three more stages to
• 4:02
  the cycle of narcissistic abuse. You have I like before
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  idealization, I call picking picking.
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  You get picked why you get picked.
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  Then they love bombing. Then what I call fracturing.
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  Fracturing right here. Fracturing happens when the
• 4:18
  relationship is fracturing leads to devaluation and then
• 4:22
  devaluation and then discard followed by storage, storage or
• 4:28
  recycle. Then the love Mama.
• 4:30
  You can find my courses, y'all my courses and everything you
• 4:33
  can find them at mentalillness.net.
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  mentalillness.net for my courses to help you understand the seven
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  stages of narcissistic abuse. But like I said, emotional abuse
• 4:42
  is just, it really is a quick reaction and emotional abuse can
• 4:46
  actually like being realistic. Y'all emotional abuse overall,
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  if you don't have a pathological narcissist, emotional abuse can
• 4:55
  be worked on. It absolutely can, Right, But
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  narcissistic abuse, the narcissist is pathological.
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  It's deep seated. They're not going to change
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  their behaviors without some type of help.
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  Who's at this? Wait, Durham?
• 5:06
  Yeah, I'm a I'm a Durham. I'm a 919 resident.
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  I grew up, I grew up in reeds. I grew up in Reedsville, North
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  Carolina, right? I grew up in Reedsville.
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  I'm a real estate agent. Greensboro, Durham,
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  Kernersville. I'm a real estate agent.
• 5:18
  Yeah. So if you need a house, I'm your
• 5:20
  guy. No, seriously, who's this?
• 5:23
  I honestly can't tell the difference between the two.
• 5:25
  I go from yeah, he's a narc to maybe, no, he isn't.
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  So let me ask you this question right here, Jessica.
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  At the end of the day, are the behaviors acceptable and are
• 5:34
  they willing to work on them or change those behaviors?
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  You see what I'm saying? Regardless, Regardless, that's
• 5:45
  how it goes right there. Regardless, hello from
• 5:48
  Charlotte, my twin, my twin, my twin brother's a teacher in
• 5:50
  Charlotte. He's a teacher in Charlotte in
• 5:52
  Arcana. But yeah, regardless, is it OK?
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  You know what I mean? So also right on my foot with
• 6:01
  this chair. The, the, the, the goals of the
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  abuse are different as well, right?
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  There's different goals between narcissistic abuse and emotional
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  abuse. You know what I'm saying?
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  Emotional abuse, typically the goal of emotional abuse, it's
• 6:15
  really is like just about control and poor coping
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  mechanisms. Poor coping mechanisms and
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  control. That's what narcissistic abuse
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  is about. I mean emotional abuse right
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  there. You know what I'm saying?
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  That's what emotional abuse is about.
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  Poor coping mechanisms and control.
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  They want to control you and I don't, I don't know how to
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  balance my emotions, right? I don't know how to balance my
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  emotions, so I'm don't know how to cope.
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  I don't know I'm poor. I'm very poor at controlling it.
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  And that's what I do right there.
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  You said that's the goal of emotional abuse.
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  The goal of emotional abuse is poor coping mechanisms.
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  Like it's usually a reaction to a situation, like someone gets
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  angry, they call you a name or they give you the cold shoulder,
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  the silent treatment because they don't know how to
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  communicate. It's messy, it's it's chaotic.
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  It's often fueled by temporary emotions.
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  Right now, narcissistic abuse, the goal of narcissistic abuse
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  is preserving the ego. They want to preserve that ego.
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  It's ego preservation. It's not just a reaction, it's a
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  strategy. That's why I say it's a cycle,
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  Levy, right? Like think about like this.
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  I'm going to look inside my mind as someone is diagnosed with
• 7:32
  NPD. If I feel small, I have to make
• 7:36
  you feel smaller. To validate my ego.
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  I have to feel big again. So I need to pull you down.
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  That's why you get a lot of narcissists that if you are
• 7:46
  doing better than me, if your life is better than mine, if
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  somehow you're doing better than me or you're more attractive
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  than I am, I have to devalue you.
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  I have to pull you down. I have to knock you off of that
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  pedestal. There you go, Adam.
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  There you go, Adam. I have to knock you off of that
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  pedestal to make myself feel better.
• 8:07
  That's what happened. Lashauna says they call you
• 8:10
  names. Yeah.
• 8:12
  I have to make you feel bad. I have to tell you that you're
• 8:16
  overweight. Even though you look, you I have
• 8:18
  to tell you you're 90. Look, you're 92 lbs.
• 8:22
  You're you're 5 foot, 292 lbs. And I tell you that you're
• 8:25
  overweight. And I'm sitting over here 6 to
• 8:28
  250, but you're overweight. You see what I'm saying here?
• 8:33
  Roddy Durham. You, you.
• 8:34
  Hey, neighbor. I'm Roddy Durham.
• 8:36
  Roddy Durham as well. But that's what goes on right
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  there, man. That's the space.
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  I'm silly. That's the mentality, That's the
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  mindset that so many people are battling and so many people are
• 8:45
  up against. You're dealing with an emotional
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  narcissistic abuser that has to pull you down.
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  That's the strategy right there. They have to pull you down.
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  Like I said, did I say the patterns are different, the
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  goals are different and right here.
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  And actually the crazy thing about it is y'all, your, your,
• 9:02
  your regular, your regular. Tammy, what's going on?
• 9:08
  Hey, your regular run-of-the-mill narcissist,
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  emotional abuser does kind of have sometimes they can have the
• 9:18
  capacity for empathy, right? They can have the capacity for
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  empathy. Somebody that's emotionally
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  abusive, that's not a narcissist can have the capacity for
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  empathy sometimes. So they can actually feel bad
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  for something that they do to you.
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  That's the big difference right there.
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  Your regular run-of-the-mill emotional abuser has the
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  capacity for empathy. So they might feel bad.
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  They might realize later on that they crossed the line and try to
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  change their behavior. Even if they fail, they might
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  try to change their behavior. They they might actually be
• 9:48
  capable of seeing your pain right.
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  But on the flip side of it, a narcissistic abuser uses your
• 9:55
  pain as validation, uses your reaction as validation, uses
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  your pain as just just to make themselves feel better.
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  Sometimes they can be sadistic and This is why right here.
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  And they, they can try to invalidate your emotions as
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  well. So if a narcissist sees you
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  crying, they don't see tears. They don't see the fact that
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  they hurt you, right? They don't see the fact that
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  they hurt you. A narcissist sees your tears,
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  they think you're trying to manipulate, right?
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  You see what I'm saying? They think you're trying to
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  manipulate, trying to manipulate them.
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  They think you're trying to manipulate me like they That's
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  why sometimes when you're crying in front of a narcissist, they
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  get angry at you. I know you, you like I'm crying
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  in front of you. Why are you yelling at me?
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  Stop being manipulative. You're trying to manipulate me
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  with your tears because they don't see.
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  They see it as manipulation as opposed to a genuine reaction to
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  something that they have done. The narcissist sees your
• 10:50
  reactions or sees your emotions as a personal attack on
• 10:53
  themselves. That's where they go right
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  there. See, Tiffany said I cried all
• 10:58
  the time and he thought I was faking.
• 11:01
  There you go. You see, that's a part of if
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  y'all just join in on YouTube, make sure y'all hit the thumbs
• 11:05
  up button, drop a comment. I'm gonna do AQ and a here in a
• 11:07
  few minutes. Do y'all.
• 11:10
  But yeah, they see it as manipulation.
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  That's what it goes on right there.
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  And somebody said somebody said up up early in the morning.
• 11:17
  Yeah, I've never done a morning live.
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  Let me do a morning live. I got a lot of people here today
• 11:20
  too. It's surprising.
• 11:22
  But appreciate y'all joining on right here.
• 11:25
  But yeah, they see it as manipulation.
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  So this was just like, as a survivor of narcissistic abuse,
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  this is going to be the biggest difference in how you feel about
• 11:36
  it, right? Why it feels, why emotional
• 11:38
  abuse is going to feel different than you just regular
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  narcissistic abuse. Again, all narcissistic abuse is
• 11:44
  underneath the umbrella of emotional abuse, right?
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  But it's just going to be different, right?
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  Emotional abuse is going to leave you, the survivor, feeling
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  hurt, right? It's going to lead a survivor
• 11:59
  thriver feeling hurt at the end. You're hurt, right?
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  Narcissistic abuse is not going to leave you just feeling hurt.
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  It's going to leave you feeling confused.
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  Narcissistic abuse is not just going to leave you feeling hurt,
• 12:20
  it's going to leave you feeling confused.
• 12:22
  It's going to leave you feeling like the sky is the sky is blue,
• 12:27
  the sky is the sky is not blue anymore.
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  Like narcissistic abuse is going to make you start feeling like
• 12:32
  your personality has been erased, your identity has been
• 12:35
  erased. Like when you are dealing with
• 12:37
  narcissistic abuse, you don't just walk away with your
• 12:40
  feelings hurt, emotional abuse. You can right?
• 12:43
  You walk away wondering what the hell just happened.
• 12:47
  Y'all, you've been gas lit for a year. 2 years, 10 years, 20
• 12:51
  years, 30 years, 47 years. That's the longest.
• 12:56
  Shout out to Yeah, that's that's the longest right there.
• 13:00
  I've heard somebody being in a relationship like that.
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  Shout out. Shout out to her. 47 years of
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  narcissistic abuse. The gaslighting, the smear
• 13:08
  campaigns, that's what make it narcissistic.
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  That's what makes it not just normal emotional abuse.
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  That's what people try to dismiss you.
• 13:15
  The emotional abuse, huh? Huh. 19 years.
• 13:19
  Who's that? They right there.
• 13:19
  Heather, you're on fire. Brain fog.
• 13:22
  What's going on? The go.
• 13:24
  Yes. You forget who you are.
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  And it takes work to get yourself back.
• 13:31
  I want to clap. I got this mic right here.
• 13:32
  Good job, y'all. Y'all on fire.
• 13:34
  Y'all on fire this morning. I I like this morning live.
• 13:36
  I like this morning live. Y'all like the morning lives you
• 13:38
  give me Give me a thumbs up. I might start doing more of this
• 13:40
  right here, y'all. But yeah, yeah.
• 13:43
  Y'all on fire this morning. Y'all been y'all teaching me.
• 13:47
  Yeah, well, I might. Yeah.
• 13:48
  Y'all, y'all teaching me. And Tammy said 33 years of narc
• 13:53
  abuse for you. Like, you survived that, though.
• 13:55
  You survived that. You survived that thing.
• 13:59
  Etta, Etta, Etta. That's my homie.
• 14:01
  Etta. She's Etta's a part of my
• 14:03
  support group too, y'all. So I always appreciate her
• 14:05
  hopping in here. And Tammy too.
• 14:07
  But yeah, like narcissist emotional abuse is like a, a
• 14:11
  punch to the gut, whereas narcissistic abuse is a slow
• 14:15
  acting like poison. It's a disease.
• 14:18
  Like emotional abuse is literally like a punch to the
• 14:21
  stomach leaves your leaves your hurting and bend over, right?
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  But that narcissistic abuse, you might look the same externally,
• 14:28
  but inside it's eating, it's eating away like a disease, like
• 14:30
  a virus, like a a slow acting poison, right?
• 14:34
  Like you ate some bad puffer fish.
• 14:36
  You know puffer fish can be poisonous, right?
• 14:38
  You eat the wrong part of it. Fugu.
• 14:39
  What do you think? You call it fugu, it makes you
• 14:42
  forget who you are. It does, man.
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  And that's why I'm saying it's so important to recognize that
• 14:47
  there's differences between the two.
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  It really, there really are differences.
• 14:52
  So whether you are a survivor of emotional abuse or narcissistic
• 14:54
  abuse, shout out to you for surviving that.
• 14:57
  First of all, I know that's tough as hell.
• 14:59
  That's super tough to deal with, right?
• 15:01
  And I, like I said, I'm grateful that y'all have made it this
• 15:04
  far. Be be proud of yourself, man.
• 15:06
  Seriously, be proud of yourself. I felt crazy until I saw you and
• 15:10
  doctor, doctor Ramen probably right and that the light turned
• 15:13
  me on. Yay yay. 20 years on and off.
• 15:16
  He says crappy things about me. He believes I did my daughter
• 15:19
  up. Yup there you go right there you
• 15:20
  go. So I got I'm got time for Q&A
• 15:24
  y'all. So you just drop some questions
• 15:25
  in the comment section. Hit a thumbs up.
• 15:28
  Like I said, if y'all have experienced emotional abuse or
• 15:30
  narcissistic abuse, just drop a thumbs up in the comment section
• 15:34
  and whatnot. You on YouTube, make sure you
• 15:35
  hit that thumbs up button as well.
• 15:36
  Just like it hit that subscribe button in a prison trying to
• 15:41
  appease them. Yep.
• 15:43
  How can they get better? If they really want to, They
• 15:46
  have to really want to. That's the last.
• 15:48
  The last part is very important right there.
• 15:49
  They have to really want to. They have to be willing to take
• 15:53
  accountability. They have to be willing to sit
• 15:57
  in the shame and deal with shame and things like that.
• 15:59
  Y'all I'm gonna tell y'all a personal I'm gonna tell y'all a
• 16:02
  personal victory that I had this week.
• 16:04
  Y'all, y'all know something? Y'all know, I've always had kind
• 16:06
  of like problems, you know, not necessarily problems, but like
• 16:11
  with, with my dad and whatnot. So I've always kind of like I, I
• 16:14
  love my dad, right. I've always loved them, but
• 16:15
  we've kind of been distant. Our relationship is we've kind
• 16:17
  of been strained over the years and whatnot.
• 16:21
  So I've been working at it in therapy and trying to get part
• 16:24
  of, you know, do you know, trying to, you know, not
• 16:28
  necessarily kind of rebuild their relationship, but just
• 16:30
  like get closer and just understand his mind more.
• 16:34
  So tell me why my 60 year old fuck, I'm 40 years old y'all
• 16:37
  tell me why my 60 year old dad just had a baby.
• 16:42
  I got a 2 month old little brother.
• 16:44
  My little brother is 2 months old, right?
• 16:48
  And like my dad is a a new dad. So I actually got to actually
• 16:54
  went down there and got a chance to meet my 2 month old brother.
• 17:00
  I got to meet my 2 month old brother yesterday.
• 17:03
  And it, yeah, it's, it's going to sound weird, but it, it was
• 17:06
  like cathartic to see my dad trying to like being a parent
• 17:12
  again, right? He had, he's holding I'm I'm,
• 17:14
  I'm sitting right there with my, with my dad.
• 17:17
  I'm 40 years old watching him hold his two-month old baby.
• 17:22
  And I got told he loves his son, right?
• 17:24
  He loves his son. And I knew I was holding my, I
• 17:26
  was holding my brother. And I said my dad looking, I was
• 17:28
  just like, no, he's just like, what the hell?
• 17:30
  My 40 year old son is holding my 2 month old son.
• 17:34
  It's crazy, it's crazy full circle.
• 17:35
  I'm I'm proud of him, man. Like I said, just even though he
• 17:37
  had a baby at 60, it just like I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm proud of him.
• 17:42
  You know what it sounds, it can sound weird saying that about
• 17:44
  your dad, but it was just like, I really am much like look at
• 17:46
  you man. And I get, and I got to hook my
• 17:49
  dad too. I ain't hook my dad in so long.
• 17:51
  Got to give him a hug and whatnot, Right.
• 17:53
  So it's kind of weird. But yeah, I did feel a little
• 17:56
  weird, honestly, but it's just like, 'cause my kids got to meet
• 18:02
  him, but my kids are, you know, I have a 17 year old, a nine
• 18:05
  year old and a five year old and the two-month old baby is their
• 18:11
  uncle. So tell him my, my 9 year old is
• 18:15
  like, this is your uncle, you know, it's weird.
• 18:17
  Tell him about, tell him my 5 year old.
• 18:20
  Do you want to hold your uncle? It's weird, you know, this is
• 18:24
  not my son. This is my brother, but it's it
• 18:26
  was kind of great. It was it was it was wild, but
• 18:28
  I'm proud of him. You can I can tell he loves his
• 18:30
  I can tell he loves his son. And you mean that's it was super
• 18:34
  cool. Why you do you believe it is not
• 18:38
  common practice for a narcissist to receive help?
• 18:41
  Therapy, because therapy means accountability and therapy also
• 18:45
  for me means introspection, right?
• 18:48
  You have to have the ability to introspect.
• 18:51
  You have to have the ability to look within yourself.
• 18:54
  And most narcissists don't want to look within themselves
• 18:57
  because it's there's pain in there, right?
• 18:59
  There's pain within us. There's absolutely a lot of pain
• 19:03
  that goes on within us and what not, right?
• 19:06
  And so it's important to recognize that like a lot of us
• 19:10
  had this pain and stuff that we're going through and this
• 19:14
  battle that we're this kind of like battle that we're waging
• 19:18
  and whatnot. And so introspection is
• 19:21
  important. And most of the artists don't
• 19:23
  want to introspect because that means accountability, that means
• 19:26
  the pain and stuff like that. 515 days, no contact.
• 19:29
  There you go, power up. Good for you.
• 19:33
  What if they go to therapy, but the crap hits the fan?
• 19:36
  So therapy, I mean it's going to hit the fan.
• 19:40
  True therapy, real therapy that's working is going to make
• 19:43
  stuff hit the fan. That's just inevitable, y'all,
• 19:45
  because he therapy is not an easy process.
• 19:48
  Even though I've been in therapy for nine years and I just
• 19:50
  looked, y'all, I looked the other day I've had I've been in
• 19:54
  therapy for like almost nine years.
• 19:57
  It's almost nine years. I looked on my little thing the
• 19:59
  other day. I've been in I've been in
• 20:01
  therapy so long. I was just like, damn.
• 20:05
  For it's, it's, it's, it's really is crazy.
• 20:07
  I've been in therapy since October of 2017, right?
• 20:11
  And that's why I just like, damn, it's been so long that
• 20:13
  I've been sitting in this therapy, but it's work.
• 20:16
  It is, it's hard work, man. I I promise you like the grind,
• 20:20
  like grinding through therapy. It's it's, it's worth it though,
• 20:24
  you know, it's a, it's a very, it's a very unique thing to deal
• 20:28
  with, but it's absolutely, it's absolutely worth it.
• 20:31
  It really is. I was like, hey, I'm in, I've
• 20:33
  been in therapy so long, but it's so worth it Nine years,
• 20:37
  y'all. What if they choose to go
• 20:40
  afterward, after after the relationship ends?
• 20:43
  So if they own, if they are only going to keep the relationship,
• 20:47
  then it's not going to work. They have to be willing to go
• 20:50
  for yourself. Hey, I'll go to if they say
• 20:52
  something like I'll go to therapy for you.
• 20:56
  That's not that's not going to work because they're only going
• 20:57
  to therapy for you. There's like, hey, look, if
• 21:01
  they're only going to go to therapy, if they're going to go
• 21:03
  to therapy, just say, hey, look, I'm going to take the
• 21:05
  relationship off the table. So whether or not you go to
• 21:07
  therapy, I'm not coming back. See what they say because that's
• 21:10
  how you can tell if they're real or not.
• 21:11
  Oh, I'm not going to go to therapy.
• 21:14
  Then what? You're not trying to give any
• 21:16
  help. What's up, Edda, my ex is doing
• 21:19
  well in therapy. If his therapist asked me to
• 21:20
  attend, should I go? I'm not sure.
• 21:23
  So that's right there. It depends on what your goal is,
• 21:25
  right? If your goal, it really depends
• 21:26
  on what you I I wouldn't recommend going because who
• 21:30
  knows what he's been telling the therapist and if y'all I don't
• 21:33
  know what the contact is like with y'all right now.
• 21:35
  So it really just depends, right?
• 21:38
  What's the best therapy for a narcissist?
• 21:40
  For me, I just do talk therapy. Y'all do because I'm a I'm a
• 21:43
  talker. Y'all see me, I'm talking to
• 21:44
  y'all right now. I'm a talker.
• 21:47
  I only know how to talk, right? I only know how to talk.
• 21:51
  So talk therapy works for me because of I have the ability to
• 21:56
  verbalize my thoughts very well. I'm I'm very good at verbalizing
• 22:00
  my thoughts. So talk therapy works for me.
• 22:05
  Do do do find when you're strong and who they are, take things in
• 22:09
  a level that is different. Yep, Yep.
• 22:13
  The best thing, the best thing to do is see the pattern.
• 22:17
  You, you have to see that we know.
• 22:19
  Oh yeah, yeah, you have to see the patterns pattern pattern
• 22:22
  recognition is is absolutely important when you're in the
• 22:24
  toxic relationship dynamic. What's the difference between a
• 22:26
  covert narcissist and Machiavellian Do Machiavellian
• 22:28
  do narcissist so Machiavellian Machiavellian people do
• 22:31
  narcissistic abuse, but covert narcissist can also be
• 22:34
  Machiavellian. Not see, this is kind of like
• 22:36
  the same umbrella, the same umbrella concept as narcissistic
• 22:41
  abuse and emotional abuse. Like all Machiavellian folks are
• 22:44
  narcissists, right? Or narcissistic, but not all
• 22:47
  covert narcissists are going to have Machiavellianism, right?
• 22:50
  And so, yeah, it's a umbrella, same umbrella concept.
• 22:54
  The narc I was with used therapy as a performance.
• 22:56
  So be careful with that. Yes, I absolutely, I, I,
• 22:59
  absolutely, I actually refer to that as performative therapy.
• 23:03
  They're just in therapy for performance, but it's a
• 23:06
  performance piece. I'm just, they're just in
• 23:08
  therapy to show the to prove that they're in therapy.
• 23:12
  Hey, I'm in therapy. Look, look at me, look at me,
• 23:16
  look at me. I'm in therapy.
• 23:17
  Look, it's a performance piece. And they go in there and lie,
• 23:19
  right? They see, I just said, I was
• 23:21
  like, I just said they go there and lie.
• 23:23
  I pulled this cobbit up. They said they go to therapy and
• 23:26
  lie. Yeah, these are just like that
• 23:28
  right there. So it's, I don't know if Ed is
• 23:30
  still in here, but I actually had experience with somebody
• 23:33
  actually have somebody that had experience going to therapy
• 23:37
  session with a narcissist, right?
• 23:39
  Like the narcissist, the person claimed that they were going to
• 23:41
  therapy and getting better and making giving these rave
• 23:44
  reviews. So the woman she said, hey, how
• 23:47
  about I attend the therapy session?
• 23:48
  How about I attend the therapy session with you, right?
• 23:51
  How about I attend the therapy session with you?
• 23:53
  So she attended the therapy session and it turns out he was
• 23:56
  lying about so much like she was in there like, wait, what did he
• 24:00
  say? I did what and that that
• 24:06
  actually helped her leave. That actually helped her leave.
• 24:08
  She's like you in here lying your ass off.
• 24:10
  You're not trying to get better. You trying to be manipulative.
• 24:12
  That's why you didn't want me to come.
• 24:14
  But so it's kind of crazy. I've been in therapy for 2 / 2
• 24:17
  decades. He did it once and told it told
• 24:20
  and didn't like being told about himself.
• 24:22
  Yep, that's the I was just saying that earlier.
• 24:24
  Like when you dealing with a narcissist, they don't want to
• 24:26
  go to therapy because they don't want to have to take a deep look
• 24:28
  inside themselves, right? They don't want to look inside
• 24:31
  themselves because it sucks. It hurts like that pain that
• 24:35
  that comes, the pain that that comes with it really does suck,
• 24:40
  man. I'm telling you, that's what
• 24:41
  goes on right here in this situation.
• 24:44
  It really, really does suck. And I was like I said, I hate
• 24:48
  for people to be have to deal with that, but it is part of it,
• 24:52
  right? It is part of what goes on here
• 24:54
  and what not. Retreats you all.
• 25:01
  I only had 7 statements but that's kind of crazy.
• 25:10
  Yeah, so sounds right. They'll be mad when we expose
• 25:14
  them, but we'll lie and pain in picture.
• 25:16
  Yeah, they go to therapy and lie.
• 25:17
  They'll 100% go to therapy and lie.
• 25:18
  They asses off. So yeah.
• 25:21
  So I have to announce this as well.
• 25:22
  Y'all, if you don't know, June the 2nd I'll be in June the 2nd
• 25:28
  I'll be in New York City for my next live in person event.
• 25:33
  Y'all, my next live in person event will be in New York City,
• 25:37
  NY City. I'm in a commercial New York
• 25:41
  City, I'll be there in New York live and in person only.
• 25:47
  If I can see this right here, I have an event coming up.
• 25:49
  It's called the Foundation. It's called the foundation.
• 25:52
  It's a live in person Q&A with myself.
• 25:55
  It's in New York City on June the second.
• 25:58
  You see what I'm saying? New York City live and in
• 26:00
  person. There's actually an option to
• 26:02
  come at 5 and whatnot, but 39 days from now I'll be in New
• 26:07
  York City for my next in person event.
• 26:10
  These are pictures from my previous events and stuff like
• 26:12
  that. Y'all can see my folks, good old
• 26:14
  folks from my previous events. Shout out to them and whatnot.
• 26:18
  So New York City, June the 2nd, I'll be upper.
• 26:22
  Y'all can find more information at mentalillness.net/events.
• 26:27
  Mental illness. Just like it's right here.
• 26:30
  Yeah, Mental illness.net/events. Y'all can find more information
• 26:33
  about that in therapy. He blamed all our issues on me.
• 26:40
  Yup. So that if they're blaming
• 26:42
  everything on you, your chances of things getting better are
• 26:45
  zero. I don't even try to be mean.
• 26:48
  It is like if they are in there blaming everything on you, your
• 26:52
  chances of getting better are absolutely 0 because how?
• 26:56
  How would you get better? How would you get better?
• 26:58
  Right there you said how would things get better if they are
• 27:01
  going to go that way right there, You know what I'm saying?
• 27:05
  They can't. Appreciate it, appreciate it.
• 27:08
  The narc that manipulates God is the worst.
• 27:15
  Jessica, you trying to set me off this morning?
• 27:18
  Jessica trying to set me off this morning.
• 27:20
  Because I absolutely agree. You want to see me get angry,
• 27:23
  You won't, you won't like me when I'm angry.
• 27:25
  I'm like, I'm kind of like the Black Hulk, right?
• 27:26
  You won't like me when I'm angry.
• 27:28
  I turn green, I turn dark green. So I'm black, right?
• 27:31
  But yes, I hate spiritual manipulation with a raw seething
• 27:36
  passion. I hate it, Hate, hate, hate it,
• 27:41
  hate it whenever we're all seething passion.
• 27:43
  So actually that y'all see right here, y'all see this is my well,
• 27:47
  this, this is from November 13th.
• 27:49
  This is my very, but not my first therapy invoice because
• 27:52
  she changed things. But like you say, November 3rd,
• 27:55
  November 30th, 2017 was when I switched therapy session
• 28:00
  therapies go here with her. So now we see over the years,
• 28:03
  over the years, 202223242526 over the years that I've been
• 28:09
  going to therapy, I've been paying for it too.
• 28:10
  Y'all So it's crazy but that's my therapy right there.
• 28:16
  Claimed as ADHD not narcissistic.
• 28:18
  Had to do a lot of research. There are a lot of people who
• 28:20
  will blame their horrible behaviors on ADHD and I think
• 28:24
  this is so disrespectful to people that are that actually
• 28:29
  have ADHD. Oh, I cheated on you because I
• 28:31
  have a DHDII hyper fixated on the cheeks of this other woman.
• 28:37
  Y'all know there? She had a natural booty.
• 28:39
  That booty was natural and I just hyperfixated and I just had
• 28:42
  to get my hands on it. I had to clap those cheeks.
• 28:45
  Sorry, I'll hyperfixate on you now.
• 28:47
  I won't cheat anymore. They say the they say the
• 28:53
  dumbest. They say the dumbest.
• 28:59
  I got to crap in my side. Yeah, I got to crap.
• 29:01
  I just got to crap. I had to cramp my side.
• 29:05
  But since I no longer have any contact with them, why should I
• 29:09
  care about what they're doing? I still get the hoovers, but I
• 29:12
  don't respond and cut out next generations contacts to them.
• 29:14
  Yeah, you got to you. You.
• 29:16
  You shouldn't. I mean, you, you want to get to
• 29:17
  the point where you don't care about what they're doing.
• 29:20
  That's absolutely true. You want to get to that point
• 29:21
  right there where it doesn't matter what they're doing
• 29:23
  because that means you're healing, right?
• 29:24
  They could take. They could take a little while.
• 29:27
  You know what I mean? They could take a little while.
• 29:31
  What is clear distance? So, so I feel like right there
• 29:33
  you got to that's a, a Google question right there because I
• 29:36
  this is a very, very in depth question right there.
• 29:39
  My ex blamed it on his Crohn's disease.
• 29:41
  Oh dear Lord, blamed it on his Crohn's disease.
• 29:44
  That is crazy. What if they actually have
• 29:47
  changed, but then after years it's coming back slowly and how
• 29:51
  can you tell the difference what's real and what's not?
• 29:53
  I know he wants to, but it never sticks.
• 29:54
  So he has to want he it has to stick.
• 29:57
  Ask yourself this question right here and you can ask him like,
• 29:59
  what is what is triggering you to the point where you you're
• 30:02
  reverting back to your old behaviors?
• 30:06
  How are you reverting back to your old behaviors?
• 30:08
  What is triggering you here? What is said?
• 30:10
  What is not even don't use the word trigger.
• 30:12
  Use the word activate. What is activating you right
• 30:14
  now? Why are you so activated?
• 30:17
  I'm uncomfortable here, you see? Yeah.
• 30:19
  If you, if you. Hey, if you got trying to make
• 30:21
  it work, you got to be. You have to be able to be honest
• 30:24
  with them, right? Better.
• 30:25
  Yeah. They clown.
• 30:26
  Yeah. Yeah.
• 30:27
  Monarch claims ADHD. Yeah, I'm telling you because
• 30:30
  ADH look, ADHD sounds a lot better.
• 30:32
  Having ADHD have sounds better than having narcissism or having
• 30:36
  narcissistic personality disorder.
• 30:38
  It just sounds better, doesn't it?
• 30:40
  I have ADHD. What you beat, you hit me.
• 30:46
  ADHD makes you hit people and cheat and lie and gaslight
• 30:49
  manipulate. ADHD has a lack of empathy like
• 30:52
  that as well. ADHD got flying monkeys.
• 30:58
  What? Huh.
• 31:00
  You see what I'm saying? That's crazy.
• 31:02
  You help me more than my therapist.
• 31:04
  We work in tandem. I help you with your therapist,
• 31:06
  right? We worked in tandem.
• 31:08
  I was happy to help that I'm always happy to help Oh yeah, so
• 31:10
  I do have another announcement as well, since y'all been right
• 31:12
  with me so long I'm about to start.
• 31:14
  Y'all know I do my one on ones over zoom rice.
• 31:15
  I still I still do my one on ones over zoom and phone calls.
• 31:18
  Mental illness.net actually just we're doing a special on pricing
• 31:22
  for the next few months, but also I'm about to start like
• 31:27
  text message coaching as well. Like through the through the app
• 31:29
  Telegram, I'm about to start text message coaching.
• 31:32
  We can do voice notes and things like that.
• 31:33
  I'm trying I might do emails, but emails seem a little bit
• 31:35
  more complicated and what not, right?
• 31:38
  So I might do emails, but we just we'll sit here in a little
• 31:40
  bit, but that's what's going on right there.
• 31:42
  Y'all. Again, my courses, you can take
• 31:45
  my, one of my courses at courses.mentalillness.net and
• 31:49
  those are 50% off. If you enter the code mothers or
• 31:52
  fathers, one of those codes right there will get you 50% off
• 31:55
  my courses and whatnot. He tried to say I have ADHD.
• 31:59
  You, your, your ADHD is making me, is making me abuse you.
• 32:04
  How crazy is this? Now this narc said they didn't
• 32:06
  have a good example of a successful relationship because
• 32:09
  the adults in their life have all met.
• 32:12
  That could be true right there, right?
• 32:15
  That could absolutely be true, but that's not an excuse.
• 32:19
  You know what I'm saying? It could be true, but it's not
• 32:22
  an excuse. Like you, you can absolutely
• 32:24
  have bad examples of relationships in your life,
• 32:27
  right, and have no basis on actual, you know, have no good
• 32:32
  foundation or the actual good relationship is supposed to look
• 32:34
  like, right? That can absolutely be true, but
• 32:39
  it's not an excuse. OK, you don't you didn't have
• 32:41
  good relationships as A to model as a child.
• 32:44
  OK, cool. That is not an excuse though.
• 32:46
  What are you going to do about it?
• 32:48
  You mean what are you going to do about it right now?
• 32:51
  That becomes the the question right there.
• 32:54
  That absolutely becomes the question.
• 32:55
  What are you going to do about it?
• 32:57
  You didn't have good role models.
• 32:58
  OK, cool. I understand that I can vibe
• 33:00
  with that, but what are you going to do about it?
• 33:03
  You can't keep abusing me and lying to me and cheating them.
• 33:06
  Like say you cheat you, you cheat on me 15 times is because
• 33:10
  you didn't have a good relationship.
• 33:12
  Example. No, there's a lack of discipline
• 33:14
  that's you don't want to you don't want to be faithful.
• 33:18
  If you're asking, it's probably not you.
• 33:19
  Just my thought though based on my experience.
• 33:21
  So most times it's going to be true most times right?
• 33:25
  Y'all better go read script and go to therapy.
• 33:27
  It would help you get out of relationship.
• 33:28
  Yeah it it can help. So this is going to sound ass
• 33:32
  backwards, I promise you, but reading scriptures can sometimes
• 33:36
  keep you stuck, right? Depending on because if you have
• 33:38
  a religious or spiritual manipulator as a partner,
• 33:41
  reading the scripture can keep you stuck, right?
• 33:44
  Because they'll, they'll weaponize those verses, the the
• 33:46
  same verse that you using to get out of it.
• 33:48
  They can weaponize to try to keep you in it.
• 33:50
  So read scripture, but don't share that with them.
• 33:52
  You see what I'm saying? Read script, read scripture, but
• 33:55
  have those goals in mind of what you are actually trying to do
• 34:00
  and what not, right? Because that's going to be
• 34:01
  important. It really is.
• 34:08
  Do you think about the future or do you always live in the
• 34:10
  moment? Me, I'm always thinking, I'm
• 34:11
  always thinking about the future.
• 34:13
  I'm, I'm, I'm trying. I think that's, that's the
• 34:15
  problem with most narcissists that we're so hyper focused on
• 34:18
  having a better future that we don't live in the moment, right?
• 34:21
  We don't necessarily live in the moment.
• 34:23
  So we, we, we get hyper focused on the future and we don't live
• 34:27
  in a moment. We miss out on things that are
• 34:29
  right in front of us, hoping that things will get better
• 34:32
  later on. So that's what I work on right
• 34:33
  now. I actually work on living in the
• 34:34
  moment and be more present right now.
• 34:38
  If my narc is messing with all the females at the homeless
• 34:40
  other, why do they want? If my narc X is messing with all
• 34:44
  the females at the homeless other, why whoa, why would why
• 34:49
  want to mess with me? Oh dear, Oh, oh lordy, that's a
• 34:54
  rifle right there. That's it.
• 34:56
  That's not like the person that that takes advantage of
• 34:58
  vulnerable the vulnerable population right, but also wants
• 35:01
  to mess with you. You might want to be.
• 35:03
  I hope you're not still asleep with him.
• 35:06
  I hope you're not 'cause you going in homeless shelter just
• 35:08
  smashing. I you probably, chances are you
• 35:11
  probably in there clapping raw. You're not you're not going in
• 35:14
  homeless shelter with condoms, all right.
• 35:15
  You just going in there, just picking them up, taking them
• 35:19
  out, do what you need to do. That's wild right there.
• 35:27
  This is kind of long right here. Could you advise how a therapist
• 35:32
  should diagnose? We have been in couples therapy
• 35:34
  for three years and they have all told me he's one to me and
• 35:38
  one therapist said he was flat out but he says he isn't 1
• 35:42
  because he didn't get an official diagnosis in writing.
• 35:44
  Our current therapist says he can't diagnose him unless he
• 35:47
  sees him individually, which of course my partner doesn't want
• 35:49
  to hear because he doesn't want to hear it.
• 35:50
  So right there, three years in couples concerts is a very long
• 35:54
  time. I'll just be real with you.
• 35:55
  That's a very long time to be in couples because it's that sound
• 35:58
  like you're running up, that sound like you're on a
• 35:59
  treadmill, like you sound like you're running, but you're
• 36:02
  running in place, right? Because especially if he's not
• 36:04
  actually trying to get a diagnosis or actually trying to
• 36:06
  move forward, that has to be something he he can't, you can't
• 36:09
  like he has to be willing to take a test.
• 36:11
  That's really you can't, you can't force him.
• 36:14
  So it sounds like he's trying to avoid something.
• 36:16
  And the long like thing about like this, the longer I avoid
• 36:18
  something, the longer you will stay with me because I don't
• 36:21
  have an official diagnosis. You can't, you can't label me
• 36:23
  that, right? You can't label me that.
• 36:26
  So it's like I don't have an official diagnosis, so you can't
• 36:28
  label me that. Let's just keep working.
• 36:30
  Three years is a very long time to make a couple of counseling,
• 36:33
  right? So are you making progress or it
• 36:35
  is it sounds like he's just you. You're just running in place.
• 36:38
  Are you watching the comments live on Facebook?
• 36:40
  Both I'm on it's actually YouTube and Instagram.
• 36:43
  It's actually YouTube and Facebook.
• 36:47
  I have the I have an ex the same he gets on TikTok Bay for money
• 36:50
  then tells me to appreciate his dirty money.
• 36:52
  Oh dear Lord. Listen people, I said people are
• 36:55
  so gullible man. They'll donate money to anybody.
• 36:57
  They people donate money to racist, bigots, weirdos like all
• 37:02
  the time that's like that don't surprise me.
• 37:05
  Do they honestly believe their own lies?
• 37:07
  Most times no. Right?
• 37:09
  Most times no, because sometimes they're just compulsive lies.
• 37:12
  They just come out coming up out of nowhere they don't like.
• 37:15
  I know my shirt is blue. I'm not going to believe it's
• 37:17
  read about it, even though I tell you I'm wearing a red shirt
• 37:19
  right now. I'm on the phone with you, You,
• 37:21
  you, we are. Let's say me and you are on the
• 37:23
  phone having a conversation, right?
• 37:25
  And you and you say, Lee, what are you wearing?
• 37:29
  I'm like then, girl, I got on a little red tank top in my chest,
• 37:36
  chest. I just, I just did some push ups
• 37:37
  to my chest popping. You know what I mean?
• 37:40
  What about you? You still don't have.
• 37:42
  I know that's a lie. I have on a blue YouTube
• 37:44
  sweater. I know that's a lie, right?
• 37:46
  But sometimes the pathological lying narcissist could get so
• 37:50
  deeply embedded in their lies and they tell so many lies that
• 37:53
  they might actually believe it. I just did some push ups.
• 38:03
  My ex was starting to believe his own lies and I just think
• 38:06
  that's how deep the illusion. No, he's a if he started to
• 38:08
  believe his own lies, he's got that he's a pathological liar.
• 38:10
  And that's scary, right? That's scary.
• 38:15
  What happens to narcissists who are untreated and they reach old
• 38:18
  age, They become they typically get worse.
• 38:21
  They typically get worse. But y'all, I do have to hop off
• 38:23
  this thing. Y'all, I've been over here.
• 38:24
  I wouldn't be over for 40 minutes.
• 38:26
  I didn't realize it. I appreciate y'all ride with me
• 38:28
  this morning and chat with me this morning again, New York
• 38:31
  City, NY City, I'm coming your way June the 2nd, just like I'm
• 38:36
  doing AQ and a right here. I'm going to do the Q&A in
• 38:39
  person in New York City coming soon, y'all.
• 38:42
  So if you're in New York City on June the 2nd, come to the Q&A,
• 38:46
  ask, get your questions answered, be around people who
• 38:48
  understand what you're going through, Be around people who,
• 38:51
  like I said, that way you don't have to come explain yourself.
• 38:54
  Everybody in the room will know what you're going through.
• 38:56
  So New York City Mental illness.net/events, I will see
• 39:00
  you there in, in, in New York City on June the 2nd.
• 39:03
  Be safe, take care of yourself. I appreciate y'all.
• 39:06
  I'm so grateful for y'all. Thank y'all and we will chat
• 39:09
  later on y'all. Peace.
• 39:12
  Etta. Etta.
• 39:12
  Etta.