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224. Are Unrealistic Expectations You Have In Marriage Hurting Your Relationship? · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: Our unrealistic expectations harming your marriage.
• 0:45
  Speaker 2: That is the title of today's podcast episode with the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast with Nick and Amy.
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: So welcome to the podcast.
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: Welcome.
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: I think we all go into marriage having these expectations of what things are going to look like and how they should be, and then we get disappointed.
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: No, no, nobody goes into marriage with expectations.
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: I know I did.
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: I'm just joking.
• 1:11
  Speaker 2: What were some of your expectations before we got married, and then I'll share some of mine.
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: Okay.
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: And I'm sure they're pretty similar.
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: I'm sure they are.
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: I went into marriage expecting my husband to be a provider.
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: I expected my husband you to and I'm not just saying have to be the full provider, I just mean, like, hold a job.
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: I really expected that.
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: I expected my husband slash you to be loyal.
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: I expected you to have a good friendship with me.
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: I expected you to want to have babies and be a parent, and I think we're talking about like unrealistic expectations.
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: Well, you asked me.
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: Oh, you is oh because, as you first rated out, I'm like wait, did I not have babies with you?
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: Wait, did I?
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: said go, I know, I'm just saying those are what I expected because I felt like those are healthy expectations.
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: So we're talking about things that aren't healthy.
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: So what are some of the expectations you had going into marriage that maybe you were a little disappointed and keep this list to 20 or less.
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: I don't have 20.
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: I expected my husband to maintain his hair.
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: Nope.
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: He didn't.
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: Nope, I expected my husband to give me flowers on Valentine's Day.
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: Have I not done that?
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: Well, I did miss one.
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: Yes, year one.
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: Oh, I'm 20 for 21 then.
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: Okay, I expected my husband to read my mind.
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: I'm just joking.
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: I'm totally joking.
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: I didn't expect that.
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: I don't know.
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: I don't know unrealistic expectations.
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: I don't think I had unrealistic expectations.
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: I think I had realistic ones.
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: Oh, that's good.
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: Well, I know there's a lot of people that had some unrealistic expectations that it's probably hurting their marriage.
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: What about you?
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: Let's hear you answer it.
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: Well, I think, when you get married, you think that, yeah, you're going to go through tough times, but I think, when you're dating and everything, you think, oh, everything's so perfect, this is going to be easy, we're always going to agree on certain things, and that, obviously, is not realistic.
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: That's not going to happen.
• 3:38
  Speaker 2: I think you were.
• 3:40
  Speaker 2: You were all over me before we got married, meaning that you were all like, kissing me and very affectionate, and so I thought, oh man, when we get married, this is gonna be like.
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: It's gonna be like well, we, literally you, proposed.
• 3:58
  Speaker 2: After three weeks of beating me, I was like oh, man, she can't keep her hands off me when we get married.
• 4:04
  Speaker 2: She's gonna be just all over me.
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: So Nick thought that infact infactuation stage would stay forever.
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: I thought that would last at least 20, 21 years.
• 4:14
  Speaker 2: Even if I did go bald, I still thought that would at least last.
• 4:17
  Speaker 2: I had expectations that I would have my hair for my whole life and that didn't happen.
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: Can you tell that mix like caught up on a second time?
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: You know what's on my mind?
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: I never said one thing about your hair, and I know I'm just teasing, I got something on my mind.
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: But anyways, yeah, I think we just we have these expectations that everything is gonna be like perfect and what you're saying is that you think that everyone thinks that it's gonna be just the way it's gonna stay, the way that when you're dating or first falling in love, it's gonna stay like that forever.
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: I'm not saying everyone, but I think a good majority of people probably have those expectations.
• 4:59
  Speaker 2: Or hopes yeah or have those hopes.
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: And yeah, you know that your kids are gonna be perfect and everything's gonna be happy and, anyways, you're gonna live in this big house, make lots of money, make love every single night and live happily ever after, like all the princess movies.
• 5:15
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's what I thought.
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I think they watch too many Disney movies.
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: No, no, no, no, I wouldn't watch any Disney movies.
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: Okay well.
• 5:25
  Speaker 2: Anyways, so Back to reality.
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: That is not going to happen.
• 5:29
  Speaker 2: We're gonna talk about the unrealistic expectations and what you should do or not do, and then we'll talk about realistic expectations and you can determine if you have any unrealistic expectations that you're battling.
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: We should have thrown a pull out.
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: That said, is marriage disappointing to you?
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: And I hope Is marriage disappointing.
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: Well, if you go in with really high expectations that are unrealistic, you're gonna like Year one, you're gonna be like, oh, this is not what I thought it was gonna be right.
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: And that's when people start getting depressed about it or frustrated with marriage or frustrated.
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: They just lose that spark right.
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: So I would hope that if we did take a pull like that, the 100% said no, I love my marriage.
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: But that's probably not the case.
• 6:15
  Speaker 2: And we didn't lose the spark, but, like the comedian said, the dog just peed on the spark, so it can be really lit.
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: Anyways, marriage changes.
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: That's the entire point, but I think it's it's a conversation that should be had before marriage about what marriage is really like and how to make it amazing.
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: Even though it changes right, Love changes, it deepens.
• 6:40
  Speaker 2: But I think for most couples that are not happy in their relationship, a lot of it can probably be pinpointed to unrealistic expectations.
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: For sure.
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: So that's the point we're gonna try to make in this podcast is, if you have realistic expectations and recognize what are unrealistic and what are normal in marriage, hopefully you can look at your marriage from a totally different outlook or totally different view and start to appreciate the things that you do have and recognize what's realistic and unrealistic.
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: So let's dive in.
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: Okay.
• 7:13
  Speaker 2: Unrealistic expectation number one, that your spouse should fulfill your every need.
• 7:18
  Speaker 2: I don't know that I ever had that expectation, and I that's because yours is fulfilled.
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: What he doesn't have anything to say.
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: I'm speechless.
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: Yes.
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: But I think you and I are both pretty independent people in a lot of ways, I think that our needs aren't super high, though I think that I'm not trying to like brag and be like oh, we have this amazing marriage where we take care of each other's needs.
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: The thing is is that I don't feel like we both have a ton of needs.
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: I feel like we're very easygoing.
• 7:56
  Speaker 2: My needs list is probably greater than yours?
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: Yeah, probably, but it might be because you're fulfilling my naturalist.
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: I don't feel like I need it, like it's not.
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: Do you know what I mean, though, and it's not, oh, we're so great at fulfilling needs or anything.
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: It's just I think that maybe a little, maybe we figured out the expectation thing and maybe we're a little more simple, maybe we don't have a whole list of needs, like some people, like a lot of women, think, oh, I need this, this, this, this and done.
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: My husband has to be so romantic, I've got to be feeling perfect, I've got all these things, and then we'll make love.
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: So I it depends on, like, how big your list is, and expecting your spouse to fill that list before you can be intimate is really going to wreck your marriage, right?
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: And I think that the more you can simplify your need list and say, okay, what do I really need?
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: And can I simplify that, so it's not like a height mean, that's kind of list, but hey, our emotional intimacy connection is 20 minutes a night, and that takes care of my need need and you're getting your need, the sexual, let's make it twice a week, and that needs getting met, and I think we can simplify needs, don't you think?
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I think it falls in line with the second thing, which is your spouse should be the sole source of your happiness.
• 9:11
  Speaker 2: If you're in a relationship where you feel like your spouse should be the sole source of your happiness, then you're going to think that your spouse should fulfill every, your every need For sure.
• 9:21
  Speaker 2: But your spouse shouldn't be the sole source of your happiness.
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: Obviously I mean that's a big part of it, but there's a lot of other things that should make you happy in life.
• 9:31
  Speaker 2: You know hobbies and friends.
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly finding that balance.
• 9:36
  Speaker 2: I think another unrealistic expectation is you should always be the center of your spouse's attention.
• 9:44
  Speaker 2: What do you think that means?
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: Oh, you should always be the center of your spouse's attention.
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: I think that people that have that mindset are never going to be fulfilled, because, oh, you're looking at your phone or you have hobbies, or you would rather do this than be with me, and that jealousy kicks in.
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: That's going to really mess up intimacy, right.
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: Absolutely.
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: So making sure that you have healthy balance with hobbies.
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: Well, this goes hand in hand with number two.
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: Your spouse shouldn't be the sole source of your happiness.
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: I find happiness from going to lunch with friends once in a while or having a girl's night.
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: I find happiness in playing pickleball with the ladies a couple mornings.
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: A couple mornings a week, Like there's other things that bring me happiness.
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: I don't put that all on you, right, and that's where balance.
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: My kids going to my kid stuff or doing stuff for my kids brings me happiness.
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: I don't put that responsibility all on my husband, like I think that's very responsible, mature and very healthy to do.
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: You can't expect your spouse and I feel like this also changes with stages of life, because I feel like the more kids we had than the older they got, and the more I had on my plate, the more I couldn't expect you to fulfill.
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: I don't know, like you almost get so busy that you can't expect your spouse to be that person, right, because you have so much other stuff going on.
• 11:11
  Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly Love it.
• 11:13
  Speaker 2: I think one of the biggest things, that's, biggest unrealistic expectations that couples have across the board, is you.
• 11:22
  Speaker 2: You fall in love and you have a lot of things in common, so you expect that your spouse is always going to perceive things the same way or, you know, maybe they're going to be the same with raising kids or things like that and I think that's the biggest shock to a lot of couples is that you're not going to perceive things the same way.
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: I mean, even this morning, amy and I disagreed on something, which is totally fine.
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: You know, I have my perception of things, she has her perception of things.
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: It's totally normal and it's totally fine to look at things or perceive things a different way.
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: We also have expectations based upon how we were raised.
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: Like for sure, you know what our perception of life is and things like that, and so it's really completely unrealistic to expect that your spouse is going to perceive things the same way or manage things the same way or feel the same way about things, right?
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: Yeah Well, and I like that you brought up that example, Like today, we had a disagreement just this morning.
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: It was very simple and it was over a parenting thing and I had to step back and be like he doesn't have the nurturing genes that I have.
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: He's a man.
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: He is literally built different than me.
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: So, even though I was bugged by it, I had to step back and be like I'm only bugged because it's not what I would have done, but that doesn't make mine right or his wrong.
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: It was literally or vice versa.
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: It's literally like we're just different and we have different priorities or ways to do things right, and thank goodness, I'm the mom and he's the dad and that balances each other out.
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly.
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: Another real unrealistic expectation is that your spouse will never change that what you married is always going to be exactly the same.
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: Oh, I think everyone learns that one pretty quick.
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, we had a well, I was gonna say we had a podcast with with dr Wyatt Fisher, and One of the things we talked about is things are going to change, like circumstances circumstances change.
• 13:32
  Speaker 2: He mentioned that something like your the more you go through things in life, the more you get Stronger, the more you evolve, the the more wisdom you get and things like that.
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: So, naturally, change is good.
• 13:46
  Speaker 2: I mean, you're going to change.
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: You're gonna change your perception or Views on certain things based upon what you learn and what you experience, and that that's okay.
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: Your bodies are gonna change.
• 13:57
  Speaker 2: Your personality might change a little bit.
• 13:59
  Speaker 2: I feel like my personality is a lot different than what it was the day Amy and I got married, because of certain things that we've Experienced and gone through.
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: Oh, absolutely.
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: So you know whether that's good or bad.
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: The fact is my my personality has changed a lot, so To have that unrealistic expectation that your spouse will never change is completely unrealistic.
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: Yep, yeah, I don't have anything to add to that one.
• 14:27
  Speaker 2: Um, and I laugh at this next one but the expectation that you'll spend all your time together.
• 14:33
  Speaker 2: I don't think that's healthy.
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: Amy and I spend a lot more time together than the average couple does and a lot, a lot of people think how you know, I could never do that right.
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: Yeah, some people like Would hate that, Right, we think it's all fun and games, but some people yeah yeah, some people wouldn't.
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: They wouldn't be able to last.
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: But even even in our situation like it's good I mean, nick and I both look for opportunities to leave so we can come back and connect, because it's healthy to be away and then come back together.
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so I'm not.
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I Definitely don't think that most people want all their time spent with their spouse.
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: I think it's very healthy to be apart and then miss each other, right?
• 15:19
  Speaker 2: Absolutely, totally agree with that.
• 15:21
  Speaker 2: Any other things that we missed.
• 15:23
  Speaker 2: As far as unrealistic expectations, I'm sure there's so many.
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: I'm sure that men would add to that list.
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: I thought when I got married that I'd be having sex all the time.
• 15:32
  Speaker 2: Well, yeah, I yeah and I agree, I agree with that, like I thought.
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: You know, oh, we're gonna be making love all the time and that's gonna be.
• 15:41
  Speaker 2: Let's give me the way it is, and and it's not and and that's okay.
• 15:45
  Speaker 2: But that's why you have to continue to have those conversations and talk about things together, a couple, and find out okay for our Relationship, what is realistic.
• 15:54
  Speaker 2: Is it realistic to expect that we can be making love twice a week?
• 15:58
  Speaker 2: You know?
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: or one, or one, three times, or whatever works for you, yep exactly, so you have to have those conversations.
• 16:06
  Speaker 2: So now let's dive into the realistic expectations, and I like this list.
• 16:10
  Speaker 2: Okay, this list is good.
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: We were just told in the last episode Well, one of the last episodes of dr Fisher that the new word was it.
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: Did he say Webster's, or where did you get it from?
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: Yeah, the new word for 2024 is authenticity, which means being real.
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: Right, our world needs to be a little more real and Hopefully this list is a little more realistic To create happiness.
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: Okay, so jump in jump in okay, number one Conflict is a part of every single marriage.
• 16:46
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean I used to.
• 16:49
  Speaker 2: I used to kind of look before we got married, kind of look at couples and think, oh, if they're arguing they got issues right, like you just.
• 16:57
  Speaker 2: I mean you have no idea what to expect for marriage, but Conflict is part of every single marriage.
• 17:03
  Speaker 2: In fact, I would say if you don't have conflict in your marriage at certain times, something's probably wrong.
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: Oh for sure.
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: Actually, I've heard a quote once that said If there's never conflict, you have a really unhealthy marriage because somebody, one of the spouses, is Not able to speak freely or their needs Speak about their needs, because there's no way that a marriage Can never have conflict unless someone is controlling everything.
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: And I really, I was like that's interesting, because if both people are Free to speak how they feel, there is going to be conflict.
• 17:38
  Speaker 2: Yeah, naturally naturally and that's okay.
• 17:41
  Speaker 2: It's how you resolve the conflict, how you resolve the disagreements.
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: How you deal with it during it too.
• 17:47
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I Like the next one too.
• 17:49
  Speaker 2: Occasional annoyance and disappointment are natural emotions in any relationship.
• 17:54
  Speaker 2: It's totally true.
• 17:56
  Speaker 2: There's gonna be sometimes.
• 17:57
  Speaker 2: Your spouse is gonna annoy you or disappoint you.
• 18:00
  Speaker 2: This is totally normal.
• 18:02
  Speaker 2: We like getting back to it like we all experience things differently and have different perceptions of things and so we're naturally going to react differently to different situations.
• 18:14
  Speaker 2: We're going to annoy the heck out of our spouse sometimes, amy Amy probably sees me do this on a daily basis.
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: Well, we do work together all day, every day, so should I be honest?
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you should be on yeah absolutely different and we do things differently.
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: So, absolutely, we get annoyed.
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: We're human.
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: It's where you take that annoyance.
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: Do you roll your eyeballs and become disrespectful or do you say, okay, why am I annoyed with this?
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: And how can I realize that I'm only annoyed because it's coming from my perspective, only right, like we talked about, and Let it go?
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean annoyance is really a choice, right.
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: Absolutely or a miscommunication.
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: Yep, I agree get nothing to add.
• 19:05
  Speaker 2: I speechless you.
• 19:06
  Speaker 2: You are right on.
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: The next one is mistakes will be made by both of you.
• 19:12
  Speaker 2: I don't know that I've ever made a mistake, but I guess you know.
• 19:17
  Speaker 2: I guess that could be true.
• 19:19
  Speaker 2: Yeah right, I I've made so many mistakes.
• 19:22
  Speaker 2: I'm surprised Amy didn't dump me on the side of the road years ago.
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: You fixed your mistake, oh, man.
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: I said mistake, not mistakes.
• 19:32
  Speaker 2: Oh, I've got add like four s's to that mistakes.
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: Only four mistakes in 22 years.
• 19:39
  Speaker 2: No, I'm saying add a bunch of s's so that it's like multiplied by.
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: Nick deserves an award.
• 19:45
  Speaker 2: Yeah right, the mistakes are gonna be made, you're going to make.
• 19:49
  Speaker 2: You're gonna make dumb decisions.
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: I've made my fair share of dumb decisions.
• 19:52
  Speaker 2: I just.
• 19:53
  Speaker 2: That's part of learning and growth through life.
• 19:56
  Speaker 2: So give your spouse a little bit of grace.
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: I mean made bad decisions together.
• 20:02
  Speaker 2: Absolutely.
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: Really, really stupid decisions.
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: The next one is responsibilities around the house should be shared.
• 20:13
  Speaker 2: That is a realistic Hot topic hot topic.
• 20:17
  Speaker 2: Hot topic.
• 20:20
  Speaker 2: This is a really hot topic.
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: Responsibilities around the house should be shared.
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: I think that was the biggest mistake that we made.
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: The first 15 years of our marriage.
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: I was like, oh, I'll just do everything and then I'll still stay happy in the merry.
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: Yeah, no, major resentment, major resentment.
• 20:39
  Speaker 2: I can't tell if there's any resentment there Is there any resentment there?
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: No, not now.
• 20:43
  Speaker 2: But what happened?
• 20:44
  Speaker 2: What did we do to change things?
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: I said no more.
• 20:48
  Speaker 2: You communicated?
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: I communicated better.
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: That's right Communication and all things right.
• 20:53
  Speaker 2: Our communication sucked big time when we were in our early stages, but we definitely got a little bit better.
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: I got to pull up the podcast episode on this because it's hard to find in If you go into the list.
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: Hold on, keep talking about it while I look it up.
• 21:10
  Speaker 2: Yeah, well, while you're looking that up, we'll talk about the next one, which is trust is the bedrock of the relationship, I think.
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: Oh, go back.
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: Stop Episode 189.
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: Your husband cannot read your mind.
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: We talk all about responsibilities around the house and how we just dive deep into that, because this is like when I say hot topic, it's because it's causing so much contention in so many marriages, and so the whole point of that episode was literally communication.
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: This is how a good idea is to break it up.
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: How the wife, even if she's a stay-at-home mom, can't take on everything.
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: How she feels burned out but at the same time, she can't expect you to know that she needs help with something or I don't like the word help, because it's literally a partnership.
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: Anyways, we dive into that.
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: That's a great episode.
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: So go back and listen to that one if that's a hot topic in your relationship, because the responsibilities around the house, I don't know that can cause a lot of contention.
• 22:18
  Speaker 2: Yeah, for sure, no, no.
• 22:19
  Speaker 2: I think that's a great point and again, in that episode, you're exactly right.
• 22:23
  Speaker 2: We talked about so many of those things, so that's a good episode for someone to go listen to, for sure.
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: Very important, so go back and check that one out.
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: Sorry.
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: Next to the next one, which was responsibilities or trust.
• 22:38
  Speaker 2: Trust is the bedrock of the relationship.
• 22:40
  Speaker 2: I mean, I think that's so true.
• 22:42
  Speaker 2: If you lose trust with your spouse, you're in trouble.
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: But how is trust built?
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: I think, by setting boundaries and then keeping them together right, Setting them together and then keeping them.
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: So in our marriage we set some boundaries when we first got married around certain things opposite sex, social media, all those different things and trust takes time to get built because we got married really really quick, right.
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: So we yeah, I absolutely trusted him when we got married, but as a lifetime partnership, committed marriage, there were things that we hadn't been through together, that we were about to go through together now that we were married, and so setting those boundaries and then watching both of us follow those boundaries and protect those boundaries is what builds deeper trust every year of the marriage.
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: So that's why we're like, are so strong on setting boundaries together, Because I literally believe that that's where trust comes from and trust can get.
• 23:47
  Speaker 1: If something's broken, I truly believe that trust can get rebuilt.
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: I just feel like sometimes that starts back at ground zero and then you've got to take baby steps to rebuild that.
• 23:56
  Speaker 2: Well and a lot of times trust can be broken because the boundaries haven't been set For sure.
• 24:01
  Speaker 2: And one spouse doesn't know that they're doing anything wrong right, for sure.
• 24:04
  Speaker 2: And the other spouse is like how could you do this?
• 24:06
  Speaker 2: This is horrible.
• 24:07
  Speaker 2: That's why again, why we constantly talk about how important it is to talk about how you're going to handle different situations, or what's okay and not okay in certain things.
• 24:19
  Speaker 2: Like you know, are you going to follow other people with opposite sex on social media.
• 24:25
  Speaker 2: Why is that okay?
• 24:26
  Speaker 2: Why is that not okay?
• 24:27
  Speaker 2: I mean, you have to establish those things and talk about those things as a couple.
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: Well, and this is if you know our story it's we set really good boundaries around all those things, but we didn't set good boundaries around financial intimacy Correct and that's and then we had some serious trust issues because of finance stuff at the beginning of our marriage.
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: So I just think every area of intimacy finance, sexual, social media, emotional conflict resolution during conflicts, like all those things that we talk about there needs to really be boundaries set for every single one of them.
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: That protects your marriage right.
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: And trust is built.
• 25:08
  Speaker 2: Exactly.
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: So important.
• 25:10
  Speaker 2: Another realistic expectation you both should have is that mutual respect is key.
• 25:15
  Speaker 2: Now, we often think that if we mutually respect each other, we're going to agree on things.
• 25:21
  Speaker 2: But again, that's not the case.
• 25:23
  Speaker 2: It doesn't mean you have to agree on things, but you need to have respect for your spouse, for how they perceive something, for how they feel about something.
• 25:31
  Speaker 2: I say this often, but if Amy feels a different way about something, I need to totally respect how she feels, whether I agree with it or I disagree with it, because if it's important to her, it should be important to me, and I would oftentimes rather err on the side that, even if I don't agree with something, I still will, because I respect her, will still do something a certain way or do what she wants or whatever, because that's what you do.
• 26:03
  Speaker 2: To show mutual respect to each other is there's give and take in everything.
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: And vice versa.
• 26:10
  Speaker 1: Absolutely, absolutely.
• 26:13
  Speaker 2: I love the next one.
• 26:14
  Speaker 2: Realistic expectations expect intimacy and passion.
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: Absolutely Everyone should expect this.
• 26:22
  Speaker 1: I know how often?
• 26:26
  Speaker 2: how often do we hear from people that say when we first got married, things were crazy and awesome and then, you know, shortly after everything completely stopped.
• 26:36
  Speaker 2: Or we hear people say that, oh, before we got married she was all over me, she wanted to kiss me and cuddle and this and that, and then the second the wedding ring went on, there was no affection at all.
• 26:47
  Speaker 2: Yep, we hear that all the time and I don't know.
• 26:51
  Speaker 2: I can't sit here and say why that happens or why it doesn't happen, but I think a lot of times we have these expectations around intimacy and passion and expect that all things are gonna be just awesome.
• 27:04
  Speaker 2: But then life hits and jobs and kids and the stresses of life, and that can have a profound impact on both those things.
• 27:13
  Speaker 1: Absolutely, and I believe that every spouse, almost every spouse, unless there's health issues, I believe that every single spouse gets married to have a passionate marriage.
• 27:28
  Speaker 1: I don't think anyone signs a marriage contract to be with one person forever thinking, oh, I just want another roommate, yeah, right, yeah, like a wife isn't like oh, sign me up for no emotional intimacy and no romance the rest of my life.
• 27:45
  Speaker 1: No, and no husband is like, oh, sign me up to never make love again Like that.
• 27:49
  Speaker 1: We all expect this when we get married.
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: We all expect this, which is why I'm always so confused, why so many marriages are struggling with the intimate part of it?
• 28:01
  Speaker 1: Because like what did you expect?
• 28:03
  Speaker 1: Like it's marriage right.
• 28:06
  Speaker 2: Yeah, this is a realistic expectation.
• 28:08
  Speaker 2: Yet so many marriages struggle with this, this single thing.
• 28:12
  Speaker 1: And that comes back to communication but also looking like what does real commitment mean?
• 28:19
  Speaker 1: Like what did you?
• 28:21
  Speaker 1: Did you expect this when we got married?
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: Because I sure did.
• 28:24
  Speaker 1: What has happened?
• 28:25
  Speaker 1: You know what is causing this to not I don't know, not be in need anymore.
• 28:29
  Speaker 1: I don't know.
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so tough.
• 28:33
  Speaker 2: I mean, if you're a couple of struggling with your intimacy and passion, you need to sit down and have these talks about your sex expectations and what's going on in and out of the bedroom.
• 28:46
  Speaker 2: You have to sit down and talk about these things, no matter how difficult this conversation could be.
• 28:53
  Speaker 2: You have to talk about those things.
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: Absolutely, and emotional intimacy equally important, if not more.
• 29:00
  Speaker 2: Absolutely.
• 29:01
  Speaker 1: Yep.
• 29:02
  Speaker 2: A realistic expectation is to never resort to verbal or physical abuse.
• 29:06
  Speaker 2: I that's unacceptable.
• 29:09
  Speaker 1: Absolutely.
• 29:10
  Speaker 2: To physically or verbally abuse your spouse or each other.
• 29:14
  Speaker 2: This should just never happen.
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: Never, and you shouldn't tolerate it ever.
• 29:20
  Speaker 2: And finally, the another one is show compassion to one another.
• 29:26
  Speaker 1: Compassion is a good word.
• 29:27
  Speaker 1: Compassion means caring, which we talk about all the time on social media, like literally the first step to an amazing marriage is caring.
• 29:34
  Speaker 2: Yep.
• 29:35
  Speaker 1: It's caring like compassion is caring, like generally caring about how your spouse feels, how their needs are met, if they're feeling loved in the way that they feel loved like caring is key to a healthy marriage.
• 29:50
  Speaker 1: We all wanted to be cared for.
• 29:52
  Speaker 1: That's why you got married.
• 29:53
  Speaker 1: We picked a best friend right that we wanted to be lovers with we didn't just pick another best friend in life, we picked a best friend that is our lover.
• 30:01
  Speaker 1: Big difference, right?
• 30:03
  Speaker 1: Exactly I agree 100%.
• 30:07
  Speaker 2: If you feel like there's some conflict or you know things just aren't where you want it to be in your relationship, I really think you should sit down and talk about the realistic and unrealistic expectations that maybe you're having in your marriage can almost guarantee that if there is conflict, there's probably an imbalance with this somewhere.
• 30:28
  Speaker 2: Absolutely Assuming unrealistic expectations or you know.
• 30:34
  Speaker 2: These are things you really need to sit down and talk to your spouse about and find a balance and determine what's realistic in your relationship and what things are unrealistic in your relationship.
• 30:45
  Speaker 1: That's a great conversation to have.
• 30:46
  Speaker 1: So, like an example would be sit down and talk about each of those things that we just talked about all all ten of those and say what did you expect when we got married?
• 30:59
  Speaker 1: Like, literally, when we got married, what did you expect would happen in our marriage and do you feel like those were healthy expectations?
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: And then talk about the list and if you both feel like, yeah, like I signed up for that too, yeah, I thought I thought it would be like that too, or whatever, and they're like where are we missing?
• 31:19
  Speaker 1: let's rate those areas right and see where our numbers line up, like we've said before, and find out where that disconnect is, because I think all of that list both people are gonna say I absolutely expected those things yeah right, because we all want respect, we all want trust, we want communication, we all wanted to be a partnership and have compassion, to be intimate, like, all those things like are absolutely needed and should be needed and expected in the healthy marriage.
• 31:49
  Speaker 1: I totally agree so, yeah, that's a great conversation to have, and I really think that if you need help diving into a lot of these topics like, where are we rating this?
• 31:59
  Speaker 1: Why are we missing this?
• 32:00
  Speaker 1: Where is that disconnector, that barrier that we talk about to intimacy, our, our sexual intimacy communication workbook, and then the emotional one too.
• 32:10
  Speaker 1: Even more important, both workbooks are like, step by step this is how I feel about this situation, this topic.
• 32:18
  Speaker 2: This is where we need to get help in, and it literally gives you, like step by step, questions to rate and ask each other in all the areas of intimacy and it really will make those difficult conversations much easier to talk about and help you figure out how do we start these conversations and have them not, you know, turn into an argument or something that's really uncomfortable.
• 32:41
  Speaker 2: So go check them out at shopultimateintimacycom, and we also have our intimacy and adventure retreat for March 21st through the 24th of 2024.
• 32:52
  Speaker 2: Go check it out and we'd love to see you there.
• 32:55
  Speaker 2: So until next time, we hope all of you find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.