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The Burden of the To-Do List: Why It’s So Hard to Be Present in Motherhood · Motherhood Uncut

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Motherhood Uncut podcast, where we talk honestly about the reality of motherhood.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Kate Kripke.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: This is a space for mothers to feel seen, heard, and understood, especially those navigating the intersection of raising young kids while also maintaining passions, purpose, and work outside of motherhood.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: And it's called Uncut because we do not hold back here.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: Through expert conversations, personal stories, practical tools, and honest reflection, we explore what it means to care for ourselves, stay connected to our kids, and remember that we can feel hard things and still be okay.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so glad you're here.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, there's always another email to answer, appointment to make, meal to figure out, load of laundry to fold, thing to order, person to respond to.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: Then they're sitting there with your child wanting to be present, and your brain is already three steps ahead.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: So you tell yourself to stop, be present, enjoy this.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: But what if the problem isn't that you need to try harder to be present?
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: What if the real problem is that your brain and your body have become so accustomed to getting things done that leaving something unfinished actually feels really, really uncomfortable?
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: Today we're gonna talk about the burden of the to-do list, why quote to unquote done may no longer be available to us here in Motherhood, and what it looks like to become someone who can be present even when there are so many things to do.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: The women I work with are deeply thoughtful, capable, ambitious mothers who care tremendously about their children and also about the work, passions, relationships, and purpose they hold outside of motherhood.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: But motherhood has a way of asking things of us that many of us were never prepared for.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: The uncertainty, the lack of control, the intensity of loving someone this much.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: And somewhere along the way, anxiety, guilt, overwhelm, and the constant need to figure things out can start pulling us away from the life that's actually happening right in front of us.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: The Calm Connection Experience is my 12-week program designed to help you change that.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: Together we work on building your capacity to stay present and connected, even when things feel uncertain, uncomfortable, or different from what you expected.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: So you can respond to your kids, to your life and to yourself in ways that actually reflect the woman and mother you want to be.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: If you're hearing this and thinking, I want that, then I'd love to talk with you.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: You can book a call with me using the link in the show notes.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: We will talk about what's feeling hard for you right now, what you want to be different, and whether the calm connection experience might be the right next step for you.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: Can you relate to that?
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: I know I can.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: So you're sitting on the floor with your kiddo and they're building something with Legos or showing you a picture or asking you to watch what they can do, and you're there technically, but your brain is somewhere else.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: I need to respond to the email.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: I forgot to order the birthday present.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: We're almost out of milk.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: I need to make the pediatrician appointment.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: Did I sign that school form?
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: What are we having for dinner?
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: Should I switch the laundry?
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever your version is.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: And then you notice that you haven't really been listening to your child.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: And now you feel guilty about that too.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: So you tell yourself, come on, be present.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: Be present.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: Put the phone away.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: Enjoy this.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: You might be thinking about something like they're only this age once.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: I should enjoy it while I'm with them.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: Which of course makes the whole thing worse because now you have your to-do list and you have the additional job of being better at being present.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think the answer is trying harder to be present, though.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: I think we need to understand why it can feel so incredibly difficult to stop doing it in the first place.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: Because for so many of the women I work with, getting things done is not just something they do.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's part of who they are.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: They're capable, they're reliable, they follow through, they anticipate what needs to happen and they solve problems and they do not drop balls.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: These are all incredible character traits and strengths, right?
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: They're qualities that have probably helped them, maybe you, build your career, your relationships, your family, and a life that you care so much about.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm not interested in telling ambitious women that the solution to motherhood is to be less ambitious.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think your drive is the problem here, but motherhood does something really interesting.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: It puts you inside a system in which quote unquote done is almost never available.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: So you finish the laundry and there's always more laundry.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: You finally figure out your baby's sleep and their sleep changes.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: You solve child care for Tuesday and now there's a problem for Thursday.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: You answer the school email and another email arrives.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: You clean the kitchen, someone needs a snack.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, there's always another thing.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where a form of intelligence that has probably served you really, really well can start to run into trouble.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: This is what I call strategic intelligence.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: Strategic intelligence is that part of us that plans and predicts and analyzes, organizes and solves and yes, executes, gets things done.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: It asks a really, really useful and important question.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: What needs to happen next?
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: And many of us have gotten really good at answering that question.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: But what happens when your brain doesn't know when to stop asking it?
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: Because if there's always something that needs to happen next, then there's never a natural stopping point.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: There's never a moment when your brain just announces, excellent, everything is handled.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: You may now go enjoy your child.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: That moment doesn't come.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: So if your ability to be present depends on reaching the end of your to-do list, first you're going to be waiting a very, very, very long time.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: I think there's another piece on this that we don't talk about enough, too.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: There's a feeling associated with things being unfinished.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, think about that for a second.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: You know there are six things you could be doing right now.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: What happens inside your body when you don't do them?
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: For a lot of us, there's tension, restlessness, like a little buzzy feeling.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: For me, it's that sense of urgency.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: And you might find yourself reaching for your phone without even consciously deciding to.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: There's something unresolved, something incomplete, and your nervous system doesn't particularly like it.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: So what do we do?
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: Well, we do something.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: We send the email, we order the thing, we check the calendar, we make the list, we straighten the kitchen, and then we get a little relief.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: Ah, that feeling.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: Ah, one less thing.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: And without realizing it, we can start building a pattern.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: So I feel the discomfort of something being unfinished, and then I do something, and then I feel better.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: So eventually, when the feeling of incompletion shows up, the body learns do something.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: Which means sometimes you aren't returning to your to-do list because the thing actually needs to happen right now.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: You're returning to it because doing the thing helps you get rid of the feeling you're having.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: And that is a very, very different problem.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: Because if that's what's happening, becoming more efficient won't solve it.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: There will always be another thing.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: What we actually need to build is our capacity to experience that feeling of incompletion without immediately needing to make it disappear.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: Can I feel unfinished and stay?
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: Can I know that an email is unanswered and still sit right here?
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: Can dinner be undecided at four o'clock?
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: Can there be laundry upstairs?
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: Can someone be waiting for me to respond?
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: Can something important need my attention without getting my attention right now?
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: This is where relational intelligence comes in.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: Relational intelligence asks a different question than strategic intelligence.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of automatically asking what needs to happen next, it allows us to ask, what is happening right now?
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: What does this moment actually need for me?
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: Because some moments really do need solving.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: The pediatrician appointment does need to get made.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: Your work deadline is real.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: Your child does need clean clothes.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm not suggesting that we all throw away our calendars and stop paying the electric bill in the name of presents.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: What I'm asking is, does this existence, does the existence of something that needs to be done mean it needs to be done in this moment?
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: Those are two very different things.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where I want you to get curious about something even deeper.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: We all bring what I call organizing principles into motherhood.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: These are deeply learned expectations that we've developed through repeated experiences in our lives.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: They shape what we expect of ourselves, they shape what we notice and what things mean to us.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: So here's a question I want you to sit with for just a second.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: What would I need to believe was true in order to give myself permission to put my to-do list down?
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe an even more revealing question might be: what do I believe it says about me when something is left undone?
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm going to ask this question directly to you.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: What would you need to believe was true in order to give yourself permission to put your to-do list down?
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: What do you believe it says about you when something is left undone?
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: Because this is where things get really interesting.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe somewhere along the way you learned that responsible people are always on top of things.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: If I don't handle it, no one else will.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: And you're right.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not asking you to become someone who doesn't follow through.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I really do not want you to stop being someone who's driven or someone who cares less.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: I'm asking a very different question.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: Who do you need to become when done is no longer available to you?
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: I ask myself this question.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: Who do I, who do I need to become when done completion is no longer available to me?
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: Because motherhood requires an expansion of what it means to be capable.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: Before capable, before motherhood, capable might have meant I handle things, I stay ahead, I get it done.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: We can keep all that.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: You can keep all that, I can keep all that.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: But now we're adding something.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: Capable can also mean I can know something needs doing and consciously decide not to do it yet.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: I can experience urgency without assuming everything is urgent.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: I can tolerate the discomfort of incompletion.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: I can decide where my attention goes.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: I can stay right here in this moment, even while another part of my brain is reminding me about the next one.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: That's definitely not becoming less capable.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: That's becoming more flexible.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: I want to give you some really small thing to practice this week.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: The next time you're with your kiddo and your brain says, you should really go do that thing, don't argue with the thought.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: Don't tell yourself you shouldn't be thinking about your to-do list when you're playing with your kiddo.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: Please don't immediately get up and do the thing, though.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to just notice just for a moment, right?
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like there it is.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: There's the pull.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: And then get curious.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: What am I feeling in my body right now?
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: Is it urgency?
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: Is it tension?
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: Restlessness?
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: And then ask yourself, what story am I telling myself about what will happen if I don't do this right now?
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: What story?
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: What story am I telling myself?
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_00: Because usually what's happening in our brain is not necessarily a fact, it's more of a story, often based on all of those conditioned beliefs, all of those things that we bring with us into motherhood.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: And then finally ask yourself, what does this moment actually require?
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: It might require you to get up and go handle something.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: There will absolutely be moments when that's the answer.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: But sometimes the answer might be nothing.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing needs to happen right now.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: The laundry can stay upstairs, the email can remain unanswered, dinner can be undecided, and you can still sit here for five more minutes.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: Not because everything is done, but because you're learning that everything does not have to be done before you're allowed to be right here.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: I think that's one of the hardest adjustments motherhood asks of us, especially those of us who are really good at getting things done.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: There may never be a point where everything feels complete.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: So we have to stop making completion the price of admission for presence.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: Our children don't need a mother who has finished everything.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: And we don't have to finish our life before we're allowed to live inside of it.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: Presence requires a tolerance for incompletion.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: It requires us to be willing to feel emotional discomfort and not see that as a problem that we have to fix.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: And every time you feel that pull towards the next thing and discover that you can stay here for just a little longer, you're actually building that capacity.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: You're building that capacity to be present.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: You're giving up the parts of you that get things done.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: You're becoming someone who gets to choose when that part of you takes the lead.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: So you want to try that out for size?
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: I always love hearing from you.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: When I give you practices or ideas, I'm so curious to know how they land.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're listening to this and you have questions or you're listening to this and you're motivated to go try it, come find me.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: Come find me on Instagram at KateKripke.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: Come find me in my email, kate at KateKripke.com.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: Come find me.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: Let me know how these things land.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: All right, listeners.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_00: If you found this episode helpful in any way, or if there's someone in your life who you think might benefit from hearing it, I would be so grateful if you'd take just a moment to subscribe, rate, review, or share this episode with a friend.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, it does feel good to know this podcast is resonating with you, but honestly, the bigger reason I ask is because the more subscriptions and ratings and reviews the podcast receives, the more accessible it becomes to mothers who may really need this kind of support and conversation.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: And as we all know, motherhood was never meant to be done alone, but it really does take a village to raise a mom too.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: So thank you for helping us grow this community one conversation at a time.