Latest / Intentional Guy / The Version of Headship That's Destroying Your Marriage
Transcript
- Michael Chestnut: The word headship has been weaponized. Half the men I talked to use it like a rank, like something they earn the moment they put on a ring. And the women who have been hurt by it, and there are a lot of them, they hear that word and they immediately shut down. Both sides have a point. Both sides have been reading the same wrong passage. And if you are a husband who Who's been using headship to manage your wife instead of leader, or a husband who has been so afraid of getting it wrong that you've completely checked out? I want you to sit with me today, because I was both of those men, and it cost me more than I knew at the time. Welcome to the Intentional Guy. I'm your host, Michael Chestnut. Today we are going into Ephesians chapter 5, but not the verse you think. Everyone goes straight to verse 22. Wives, submit yourself to your husbands. That verse has been preached more times than I can count, but nobody preaches verse 25 with the same intensity. Husbands Love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her. Gave himself, not managed her, not led from a safe distance, gave himself. Christ's model of leadership and headship wasn't a boardroom. It was a cross. And most of us have been trying to run our marriage from the boardroom. Today I want to give you three shifts, three things I had to learn the hard way that changed how I lead my home, and I believe they can change yours. Key number one, headship is not rank. It is sacrifice. Let me start with what headship is not. It is not the authority to make final decisions while your wife manages everything else. It is not the right to shut down a conversation because you said so. It's not a trump card you play when you do not want to do the work of actually leading. Ephesians 5 twenty three says for the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church. His body is And is himself its savior. As Christ is the head of the church, how did Christ lead the church? He washed feet, he sat with the outcast, he walked to the cross when every instinct in the flesh said run. His authority came from the sacrifice, not the other way around. In my book, Expose, I wrote about the season when I believed I was leading my home, I was showing up. Paying the bills, going to church, but I was carrying a secret that was slowly hollowing out everything I was building on the outside. I had the title. I did not have the character. And here's what I need you to hear: a man who leads from rank instead of sacrifice, his wife knows. She may not say it directly, but she can feel the difference between a man who leads her. And a man who manages her. Rank says, I am in charge. Sacrifice says, I am all in. Your wife is not looking for a manager. She is looking for a man who will lay himself down. That is the headship of Ephesians 5. Key number two: the most dangerous version of headset, the most dangerous version of headship is silence. Here is the part nobody talks about. We spend so much energy on the man who uses headship as control that we completely ignore the man who is using it as an exit, the passive husband, the man who checks out. Let me take you back to Genesis 3, the fall. The serpent approached Eve. She takes the fruit. Now, here's the verse most men skip right over. Genesis 3, 6. She took of its fruit and ate. And she also gave some of her husband. Okay. She took of its fruit and ate. And she also gave some to her husband who was with her. And he ate. Who was with her? Adam was standing right there. He was not away on a business trip. He was not asleep in the other room. He was with her. And he said nothing. That silence is what allowed the enemy to walk into the most important relationship in human history. I have been that man. There were conversations I should have started that I did not. Decisions I should have owned that I handed back to my wife because I did not want the weight. Tension I should have walked into. That I walked around. I called it being supportive. God called it absent. The passive husband is not a humble husband. He has not handed his wife peace. He has handed her a burden she was never designed to carry alone and called it peace. Biblical headshire requires you to enter the hard conversation. To name what is happening in the room when everyone else is pretending it is not there, to say, I see this. I'm not going to let us walk into that. That is what it is meant to be with her, not just in the good moments, in the ones that cost you something. Key number three, you cannot lead where you have not gone. This is the one I want you to sit with the longest. How do I call my wife to surrender when I have not surrendered first? How do I ask her to trust my leadership when there are areas of my life she does not have full access to? How do I expect her to follow me somewhere I have not been willing to go? Ephesians 5:26 says, Christ gave himself for the church that he may sanctify her. Having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, he goes first, he cleans first, he sacrificed first, then she follows. I need to tell you something that happened this week. This is not from a book. This is not from a sermon I heard years ago. This week I had to sit down with my wife and tell her where I was at. Not the most comfortable version, not the cleaned up version, the real version. What was actually going on inside of me, the things she did not know. And here's what I wanted you to understand. The enemy was loud that whole week. He was in my ear telling me I was not worthy to Lead my family, that my past disqualified me. That a man with my history doesn't get to claim headship over anything. And I almost listen because that voice has a point. I am not perfect. I have never claimed to be. I am still learning these principles in real time. Some weeks I am the illustration of what not to do. But here is what I know now. That I did not know before I sat down with my wife. The enemy does not want you to go first. He never has. Because he knows what happens when you do. When I told her the truth, when I finally let her see exactly where I was standing, she did not pull back. She understood and she respected it. Not because I had it all together, because She finally had the full picture. She could see me clearly. And a wife who can see her husband clearly doesn't have to guess what's going on behind his eyes. That wife can follow. A husband who hides, even with good intention, even to protect her, he has not given her peace. He has given her a version of himself she cannot fully trust. I am not telling you to be perfect. I'm telling you to be present. I am still learning this, but I'm telling you, these principles are worth learning. The sacrifice comes before the authority. The vulnerability comes before the version goes first. The vulnerabil the vulnerability. The vulnerability comes before the version goes first. Here is your challenge this week. Three things. Key one. Write down one area of your marriage where you have been managing instead of leading, where you have used your position instead of your sacrifice. Name it on paper, not in your head, on paper. Key two. Find one conversation you have been avoiding with your wife, not to fix anything, just to enter it. This week, like I had to do this week, tell her where you are at, not the edited version, the real one. You might be surprised what happens when she finally understands what you have been carrying. And key three, when the enemy's voice starts telling you that your past disqualifies you, and he will Because that is his only move. I want you to answer him with this. Christ's headship was not built on perfection, it was built on sacrifice. And so is yours. Adam had access to everything in the garden. But when the moment required him to open his mouth, he stood there silent. And that silence changed everything. Your wife Does not need a perfect man. She needs a present one. A man who goes first, a man who stays, a man who walks in the door and says, I'm still learning, but I'm not hiding anymore. That is leadership. I am still learning it too. So until next time, just keep being intentional.