Latest / No Shrinking Violets Podcast for Women / Internal vs External Locus of Control: Finding Your Emotional Balance

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Internal vs External Locus of Control: Finding Your Emotional Balance · No Shrinking Violets Podcast for Women

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: Hi, welcome to a mini episode of no Shrinking Violets.
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: I'm going to talk today about internal versus external locus of control.
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: So this has to do with really emotional regulation and what we allow to impact us emotionally and create stress, and from what I've seen in my work, this is like a lot of things.
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: A lot of it has to do with how we're wired and a lot of it has to do with what our experiences have been, especially growing up, through child and adolescence.
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: So an internal locus of control is when we have the sense that, no matter what happens around us, we are going to be okay.
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: So think about if you know you're on a boat and the water gets choppy.
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: You keep your own balance in that boat.
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: You find something to hold on to.
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: External locus of control is when something happens and it totally knocks us for a loop, and it could be a small thing.
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: It could be often something that we don't have any control over, and if you have somebody in your life that you may refer to as a drama queen or an overreactor, it's very likely that they have an external locus of control so that anything that happens creates a sense of instability.
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: They are very reactive to things that often they can't control.
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: It's a really difficult way to live because there isn't this sense of I'm going to be able to figure this out.
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: The first reaction is an emotional one and it can often be a quite dramatic reaction.
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: So, if you're thinking about this concept of internal locus of control, I have agency.
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: I am able to regulate my own response.
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: The external world is, you know, even if it's unpredictable, I'm going to be okay versus this external locus of control where I am very impacted by everything around me.
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: Like I said, you may know someone like this, but if this is how you feel, like you react, what do you do with that?
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: So I think the first thing is to be aware and recognize that your reaction is based on things that are happening around you which often we are not able to change, even in personal relationships, you know.
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: I think there are things you just have to accept.
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: There's always going to be things, even in really good marriages, where you're just going to disagree and you decide how important is this?
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: We're going to set it aside because we're individuals and this is something that's not hurting me.
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: It's not impacting my happiness to a degree that I should not be in the relationship, or it could just be things that are happening.
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: I'll give you an example, because I love food.
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: So there have been instances where I had in my mind I'm going to go to this place for lunch, or this is what I want to eat for dinner, and I will go there and it'll be closed.
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: And it's this sense of wait a minute, why didn't they post on Facebook that they were going to be closed?
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: Or why are their hours wrong, or what's happening and that.
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: Or if there's someone and I talked about this before because this is one of my things the left lane drivers.
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: It makes me crazy because they're not recognizing either.
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: Okay, they're either not recognizing the impact they're having on the 35 people behind them or they actually don't care.
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: And I think, for me, I'm going to own this.
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: There's often this I assign a meaning to something that if somebody acts a certain way, it's personal.
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: They know we're all back here wanting to pass them.
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: They don't care, which that's not true in most cases.
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: We're not that important.
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: So I think, if you are someone who tends to have an external locus of control, look at that a little bit and try to recognize.
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: Am I feeling like this is personal.
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: Do I think that someone's actions are about not respecting me?
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: Right?
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: That could be part of what causes the reaction.
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: We often react emotionally when we assign a meaning to something, and most things in the world are not personal.
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: They're personal only to the person doing the behavior.
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: And, yeah, it might be disrespectful, it may feel disrespectful.
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: It doesn't mean it was intentional.
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: And I'm going to tell you a secret Even if it was intentional, there's not going to tell you a secret.
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: Even if it was intentional, there's not a lot you can do about it.
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: So I know, now more than ever, because I have, you know, worked through this certification in functional nutrition a big part of that is not just what we eat, but recognizing what we're consuming in our environment.
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: Eat, but recognizing what we're consuming in our environment.
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: And stress is so much more damaging than we recognize because of the surge of cortisol and adrenaline and those kinds of things happening in our body.
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: So there's a lot at stake in trying to change how we react to what's happening around us, so starting to reframe something.
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: So if you are reactive, you find that when someone does something you blow up or your first thing is to become angry or upset.
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: The first thing is try to regulate your body, recognize what's happening, take some breaths, walk away, drop your shoulders, try to relax and then look at the frame on that.
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: If you can't do anything about it, then you set it aside and try to think about it's a challenge, not a threat.
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: So if someone's doing something or you feel disrespected or, instead of looking at that as a threat, they're doing something to me, look at it as a challenge.
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: How can I set this aside, do what is best for my body, for my peace of mind, and be able to kind of lean away from it and give it some space.
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: And the other thing that I would say is ask yourself what else might be true.
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: You know, let's think about that left lane driver.
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: Are they thinking about where they're headed?
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: Maybe they're headed somewhere that they are worried about or you know, it's always.
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: We can always find another reason for something and that can take away that feeling of the fact that it's personal.
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: So if you find that you are someone who is more external looks of control, try to reframe it as a challenge.
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: How can I get through this?
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: Regulate your body and then also look at situations from the past where you reacted strongly and it only made the situation worse.
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: You know, thinking about, I'm going to try to react with calmness, I'm going to try to lean away from this, I'm going to walk away from this, I'm going to distract myself with something else.
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: I'm going to go take a walk, whatever those things are.
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: Those things are and of course, there's always, you know, if you feel like this is really an issue or really an issue for someone else in your life.
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: There's therapy, there's coaching, there's a way to start to change this reaction, so that you can build a sense of agency, a sense of you know, I have control over how I react, and that's really the most power.
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: The most power in the world is having control over how you react to the things happening around you, because those are the things around you.
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: You're never going to change that.
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: So trying to build that internal locus of control is really a great strength.
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: If you have any comments about this, I would love for you to comment on the episode.
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: You can actually text me through the link in the show notes.
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: I can't answer you.
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: This is a one-way thing, but I can read your comment on the air.
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: And the other thing is I love doing my mini episodes.
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: So if there are any topics you would like me to talk about, I would love to hear from you.
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: So please, either comment or send me a text, or let me know if there's a topic that you would like to hear me talk about in a mini episode.
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: And until next time, go out into the world and be the amazing, resilient, vibrant Violet that you are.